Episodit
-
"It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces." -Ella Harper
Mutually desired relationships are likely going to include some heartbreak. I've had my heart broken. I'm certain I've broken a heart, too. Not like you're thinking - I'm hardly a heartbreaker! But I do have the ability, like all of us, to hurt or injure somebody I care about.
Sometimes the heartbreak is because of loss. Like when I lost Rocky and Rosie to old age. These two White West Highland Terriers were fixtures in our lives for the better part of 16 years. Rocky passed first. I was heartbroken. Rosie passed and I was wrecked. They didn't do that to me. Losing them did.
Husbands can break their wives' hearts. Wives can break their husbands' hearts.
Friends can break each others' hearts.
Partners and co-workers can, too.
Let's discuss this topic just a bit. Mostly, we'll get our toes wet and contemplate how to improve avoiding hurting those we care about most.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me -
H is for home. Since last year, for the first time in our lives, we have split our time between two homes, both starting with "H." Hurst, Texas, and Hot Springs Village, Arkansas. But last night we spent a night in another "H" home - Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas.
Yes, we had a good reason. When you're having knee surgery and your bedroom is upstairs...you improvise. That meant finding a local hotel for at least one night to avoid the staircase. Enter Holiday Inn Express at 820 Thousand Oaks Drive, Hurst, Texas - mere miles away.
It all began when I was told I'd be on crutches at least for the first day following having my knee scoped. I hopped on one of those online find-a-hotel websites. How often do you search for a hotel in the city where you live? Me? Never. I was looking for location, reviews, and pricing. There were several hotels in the area where I was looking. All of them were close to the highway, which would be necessary because I had work the next day and wanted to be able to jump on the highway quickly. My wife chauffering me.
I read a few reviews and settled on the Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas. My surgery was in another DFW suburb, Southlake. But I wanted to be back in the Hurst area #TexasHome. Besides, it was mere seconds from the highway I needed for the following morning. The accommodations were ideal: king bed, mini frig, microwave, desk, sofa and coffee table, walk in shower (one of those kind without any door), and breakfast starting at 6:30 am. I booked it for one night, paying a few bucks extra for the right to cancel it and get a full refund - just in case my surgeon had to change my schedule (he didn't).
Check in was 4 pm. Ok, no problem maybe I can check in early if necessary.
I get all those usual pre-surgery calls you get. You answer a million questions and they confirm a schedule. Then days later they may change the schedule, pushing the surgery up or back. Mine was pushed up slightly. "Check in by 7:15 am," they said. Okay. I'm thinking check-in at the hotel is 4 pm. That's gonna be a problem because I'm likely going to be awake and checked out of the surgical center by 11 am. So I call the hotel directly.
Let me introduce you to Susan Watts-Martinez, General Manager of the Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas. She answered the phone patiently listening to my dilemma. She looked up my reservation, noticing I booked it through an online website. She confirmed I had booked a king room. "I'm happy to pay a little extra to check in early," I said. "No problem, I can take care of you, Mr. Cantrell," she assured me.
This was a couple of weeks in advance of my surgery so she made notes in their system that I'd need a room ready to go before noon. Yes, I told her I was coming there following surgery in Southlake. "We'll take good care of you," said Susan. "Just call us that morning. I'll be here by 7:30 am. That way we'll make sure your room is ready." I thanked her and thought no more about it.
Until we checked in.
As I crutched my way into the lobby Susan came outside and said, "Randy?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Enjoy your stay and we hope you have a speedy recovery," she said.
I thanked her and went inside making my way to the first room on the first floor, just past the front desk and workout room. Convenient and a short amble down the hall.
We enter the room and straight away I notice on the coffee table a bundle of homemade chocolate chip cookies and two bottles of water with the above note sitting nearby.
Handwritten Note From Holiday Inn Express, Hurst, Texas
"Look at this, "I said to my wife. We remarked how nice that was, then I noticed a large white gift bag with a black ribbon tying the handles together.
"What's this?" I asked.
I opened it and found a new 50" x 70" gray chenille throw.
50" x 70" gray chenille throw
I immediately unpacked it and laid down on the bed on top of the covers noting how hard it would be to maneuver under t... -
Puuttuva jakso?
-
Let's define "partner" broadly. It could be a spouse, a business associate, a legal partnership, an informal collaboration, a co-worker, or something else. In short, it's a joint venture of some sort. You get to define it the way that best suits you.
My first partnerships were likely being a sibling to my sister who is 6 years older. We may have been too far apart in age to be a real partnership, but aren't all kids with brothers and sisters partners in some sense? I watch my grandkids and it seems not much has changed. As children, we had to learn to get along, work together, protect, and support each other. Okay, maybe there were some fights along the way, too.
Once I got into school I'd often be teamed up with other students for projects. Mostly, I remember doing bulletin boards or something creative. The teacher would assign one or more people to me to produce something. It was my first real experience with frustration in a creative endeavor. I've thought about it often - how early on I should have known I needed to be more discriminating in the ideal partner. Or to consider whether or not I even need or want one.
Through the years one phrase has captured my biggest challenge: being like-minded.
That doesn't mean seeing everything identically. Nor does it mean coming to the same conclusion. I've wrestled with this notion all my life, attempting to distill the meaning of "being like-minded." Maybe there's a better way to figure it out, but my approach was to identify the source of my frustrations. What is driving me crazy and why? It always comes down to, "Is it me, or is it them?" That leads to wrestling with whether or not it's going to require compromise to lower quality. To lower the expectation. To accept good enough. To avoid reaching for something better.
By the time I reached junior high, I knew I was cursed. There would never be a way out. So I started looking for some way forward. It didn't often happen so I learned to pursue things by myself if the thing was important to me. Think school projects.
I had close friends. I had many more friendly acquaintances. I enjoyed being amongst friends. Humor and sarcasm were constant common denominators. But when it came to getting things accomplished, I was sober-minded. Serious. Maybe to a fault. A few people who didn't know me misinterrupted my introversion and seriousness for conceit. But that was never the issue because I never esteemed myself better than anybody else, albeit I did frequently think, "I wouldn't do that" when watching somebody make a foolish choice. I was compliant listening to teachers and parents. Mostly doing what I was told, behaving and always mindful of the situation. I was a noticer which made it easier to avoid problems, easier to read people, but impossible to avoid noticing. As a result, my inner signal-to-noise ratio has never been great. When you notice everything you learn to discriminate between the two, but it's important to distinguish between what you think you're noticing and true evidence. As a young adult, I began to seriously learn what I termed evidence-based intuition. Gut feel is terrific when you notice everything, but it's not error-free, even if it is mostly accurate. Pile on some questions that force you to consider what you know to be true, and the accuracy gets closer to perfect. I've now practiced that for over 40 years and I'm still working on it.
The context matters lest you think I'm just a wild contrarian. I'm not. But I'm driven by accomplishment, not ambition. They can look similar, but the difference is selfishness. Credit. Glory. Honor. I don't much care about any of those. I care about the final product. I care about the conquest. Today, I often use the metaphor of "taking the hill." I'm driven to take the hill in the best method possible. The challenge, struggle and adversity provide the juice. Otherwise, everybody would be taking the hill. But not everybody does. And that excites me. -
It starts with an innocuous request, but you notice it's not a request as much as information --- or a subtle command. The person on the other end of the phone is telling you what they're going to do. The problem is that it involves having you do something for them. Something you never agreed to, and something that is an imposition. Worse yet, it's not a close family member. We're mostly ready, willing, and sometimes able to serve our immediate family members with requests that seem otherwise loaded with gall. ;)
Not so this time. This is a friend. I use that term very loosely. The friend is just calling to inform you of what you'll be doing for them because they need it and expect it. No questions are asked. No consent is offered on your part because it's just not necessary. This "friend" has called with 100% expectation that you'll meet their need.
There's not the obligatory, "Would you...?" or "Could you...?" They don't even ask how you're doing, or if you're up to your ears in your issues. The tone in their voice tells you that they know you have nothing going on nearly as important as what they've got going on.
Or, it's the person who invariably calls you with instant ramblings of something only within seconds (or a few minutes at most) of telling you they need to go because they've: a) got another incoming call, b) got another call they need to make or c) got something pressing they must do. Translation: I called you because it was important for me to tell you this thing (which is NEVER important at all, or even substantial)...but now that I've told you, I have no further need for you.
In recent months several close friends lament how often they get such calls. I listen intently to these stories, growing increasingly shocked at the audacity people display toward "friends." Each time I've repeated one story that happened to me over 20 years ago when a "toxic" friend asked me to do something professionally for him. I was home nursing fever and nausea at the time, but I got out of bed, dressed up, and attended a business meeting to help him out. I'll spare you the details except to tell you it was the last time I ever did anything for him. Instead, a few months later I made up my mind to rid myself of as many of the toxic people in my life as possible. He was first on the list.
All take, no give - that's the best phrase I know of to describe toxic people who are always imposing on you without any regard for what may be happening in your life. And while I'm happily telling you that you should learn to say, "NO!" to them so you can say "Yes!" to better people - that's not the point of today's show. But it could be. People matter. Good people matter to help us. Bad people matter because they damage us. That makes it urgent for us to figure out when to say no so we can say yes.
But I'm thinking more about creative endeavors. Particularly, podcasts and content (whether it's writing, audio or video). I'm thinking of the YES that first requires a NO. Mostly, I'm thinking about my consumption and creation. On one hand, I'm the audience. On another, I'm the creator. So what's the difference? And how does saying NO so we can say YES play into it all?
Let's try to figure it out.
I'm asking for a favor that I hope is NOT an imposition. Email me your feedback about this podcast to [email protected]
I want to make Leaning Toward Wisdom more impactful - more meaningful - for YOU. I don't quite know how to best do that, but I have a high degree of willingness.
Mostly, I want to say NO to whatever devalues this podcast for you so I can say YES to whatever might make Leaning Toward Wisdom serve you better!
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me -
Well, it's not true that how you do anything is how you do everything, but still I'm rather fond of the concept because it works. For instance, do you step over things that need to be picked up? I don't mean snotty tissues or other debris that might be a campground for all kinds of filth. Say you're out walking on a trail and you see a discarded soda can. Do you pick it up or leave it? Some would pick it up and others wouldn't. There's also a 3rd group - those who don't see it. Or don't care.
People who notice seem to always notice.
People who pick up things seem always to pick up things.
People who don't pick up something seem never to pick up things.
I've found this to be mostly --- true.
I pick things up. But not every time. Some nasty-looking tissue is likely going to remain as I walk past it. The place matters, too. If I'm on a busy sidewalk I won't pick up a gum wrapper, much less a snotty tissue. In that context, I'm not likely going to stop to pick up anything other than something valuable or something a person may have dropped. Still, how you do anything tends to be how you do everything. But that's not as powerful a phrase.
Social media (mostly) has taught me I have a horrible deficiency. Okay, it's taught me I have many horrible deficiencies with this one included - I don't foster controversy. I'm not polarizing. Absolutes are powerful because they're polarizing and that gets attention. I don't clamor for or yearn for attention. Yes, I want the attention of some to listen to this podcast - and the other podcasts I produce. Yes, I want people to read, or at least scroll through, things I write. Yes, I want people to gain something from the sermons I preach and all the other content I produce - which means first, they have to pay some attention. For me, the context is always the message though. The thought. The question. Provoking thought in hopes our thoughts will drive us to change, grow, and improve. For the past few decades, I've been fixated on improving my ability to figure things out and finding ways to help others do the same.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me -
Bariatric surgeries have increased over 500% since 1998.
Bariatric surgeries have exploded (that might not be the proper verb) in recent years. Part of the reason is the improved technologies to make it "minimally invasive," but I think it's primarily because people want a fast, easy fix. And now add a new found popularity of drugs like Ozempic ® making weight-loss even easier.
Everybody wants fast and easy. Nobody prefers slow and hard. But there are some things where slow and hard provide a value not found in fast and easy.
After a round of NFL playoffs games as the 2023/2024 season was winding down I heard a coach say something I've heard before, but something I hadn't heard in awhile. He remarked that great football teams do the hard things really well. For months I've thought about it even though I instantly knew he was right. There's beauty and wisdom in the struggle. Never mind that we don't always enjoy it. It benefits us.
There's that old tale of a man watching a caterpillar struggle to escape its cocoon. Figuring he'd make it easier for the butterfly to emerge he got a pair of scissors and snipped parts of the cocoon. Minutes later some creature not even resembling a butterfly escaped the cocoon. Turns out by making it easy he had ruined any chance for the caterpillar to enter a phase of being a butterfly. The struggle required to wriggle out of the cocoon forced life into the wings. No struggle, no wings. No wings, no butterfly life.
It's a good reminder of the value of our own struggles. Even if, in the moment, we can't quite see the future benefit.
In Thy Paths
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me -
More specifically maybe...false assumptions about my (our) retirement...
That you must have at least a million dollars to retire.
That you really need three million dollars to retire with security.
That you should delay collecting Social Security until at least 65, and preferably until 70.
That you should travel.
That you should do all the things you've always wanted to do, but never got around to.
That you'll struggle with a sense of purpose.
That you may struggle with boredom if you're not careful.
That it will cost you much more than you figured.
That it's important to have (and pursue) a bucket list.
That you'll have much more leisure time.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me -
Happy Father's Day 2024!
My dad enjoying the sunshine
The what was crystal clear.
The how was no where in sight.
Casey Neistat is the OG of YouTube, vlogging and social media creation. He's associated with New York, but it wasn't always so. Casey set his sights on NYC knowing he wanted to make it there. Without any idea or plan on how to do it. But he'd grown up hanging on by a thread so he was comfortable.
Casey had two qualities that drove him, gratitude and optimism. A little boy with absentee parents. No restraints. No security. Hanging on by a thread.
One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
The desperation and despair drove him. Created him. Forged him.
Watching Casey for years and knowing his story got me thinking about mastering the hang. The hanging by a thread. Handling risk and failure. Hanging on. Even by a thread because even a thread provides suspension above failure. And despair. In the thread we find hope. Enough hope to continue.
Patience vs. impatience.
A willingness to hang on by that thread for however long it'll take.
Casey describes his early life as a life without any plan B. He was working 60 hours a week making $7.25 an hour working in a restaurant kitchen. What was he going to do? Move back to southeastern Connecticut where he'd grown up in despair? Optimism drove him to declare - both to himself and others - "I'll figure it out."
Said Casey: "I was running from a pack of wolves. I knew if I slowed down or stopped, I'd be eaten."
Thinking of Casey's story and how he described the early part of his journey to find success, I began thinking for the umpteenth time about how life circumstances impact us. It's remarkable how for some it becomes crippling baggage providing a million excuses. For others, like Casey, it's the catalyst that drives them to rise above all the tragedy and despair. That old meme remains true. Hot water makes the egg hard, but it softens the potato. I suppose it's the hot water that shows us what we truly are, but I'm still puzzled about the choices we make - and I do believe we choose what we become, unlike the egg or potato.
When working with a group in my coaching practice I often deploy a number of strategies to create closer bonds. Trust, vulnerability, safety - these are all critical when we're trying to develop high-performing teams (or groups). Seeing each other as something other than a position or title serves all of us well. At work we rarely are able to show our full humanity, which is a shame because that's where our deepest connections are made.
It's interesting to watch it happen. A group of people enter a room. They know each other. They have some context for one another. But many of them don't really know each other very well. Over an hour, or two, they begin to see other differently. They understand the past pain, suffering and struggle. We can all relate. Our story specifics may differ, but at a macro level - we're mostly similar.
It's apparent that we all had many opportunities to decide, will we be an egg or a potato? Will the circumstances of our life - especially the ones we had little control over - harden us or soften us? And will that hardness manifest itself in a resolve to rise above it or will it be a hardness that drives us deeper into excuse-making, and blaming? Will it soften us in ways that cripple us and rob us of the confidence and resolve needed to succeed? Or will it soften us so we can be more compassionate and grow into better humans?
Choice. Making up our mind.
Will we hang by the thread with optimism? "Hey, look...I'm still hanging on!" versus "Oh, man. I'm just a thread away from falling."
Hanging on by a thread is still hanging on. Just like "by the skin of your teeth" is still getting by.
Sure, the margin is thin but it's a bit binary - you're either hanging on or not. Whether it's by a thread or a strand of threads.
It's congruent with the theme of last week's episod... -
Kenneth Aronoff is a drummer for John Mellencamp. He's also part of a documentary, The Untold Stories Of Your Favorite Musicians. He talks about the early days with Mellencamp when he was asked to come up with a drum solo of sorts for a new song, Jack & Diane.
When I first heard him say it my mind went into a few different directions.
One, being good under pressure. Not everybody is. How can we improve that skill?
Two, being good on your feet. That is, being able to figure it out in real-time, with the clock ticking. Again, how can we hon that ability?
Three, knowing you're at a pivot point that could (no guarantees) change everything. How can we recognize the importance of this moment?
Aronoff had enough of all three to handle this moment.
“It's kind of funny...the moments on which life hinges. I think growing up you always imagine your life--your success--depends on your family and how much money they have, where you go to college, what sort of job you can pin down, starting salary...But it doesn't, you know. You wouldn't believe this, but life hinges on a couple of seconds you never see coming. And what you decide in those few seconds determines everything from then on... And you have no idea what you'll do until you're there...”
― Marisha Pessl, Special Topics in Calamity Physics (a novel)
Pessl is a novelist who has crafted some great lines. Truthful lines. This is one of favorites. Life often hinges on a couple of seconds we never see coming. More accurately, it hinges on what we do in that moment. In those seconds. And while you have no idea until you're there, all the things we've done up that moment prepare us.
I will prepare and some day my chance will come. - Abraham Lincoln
That line speaks to our ability and our optimism. The belief that we'll put in the necessary work and in time, we'll get an opportunity.
I often wonder if we knew in advance of that moment, would it help us or hurt us? Might we live in constant fear and anxiety if we knew? It may be a blessing that when those moments arrive, we had little or no warning.
In the last episode I talked about how special forces train so when the battle erupts, they react wisely (and well) automatically. So much so, they describe their reactions under fire as "it just happens." That's the value of preparation. It's the value of focus, intensity and dedication to constant improvement.
It's also the quest to learn what we don't yet know. Ignorance isn't bliss. It can be disastrous when we act based on it. Many dramatic stories prove the point. Mostly, tragedies prove it. Hamlet. Romeo & Juliet. Stories where people lacked knowledge, but took actions based on it. Stories where they had 25 to save themselves, or somebody else...but they got it wrong.
Tragedy has visited each of us, partly because of actions taken based on our ignorance. We thought something, but without full knowledge, or understanding, we got it wrong. The result was tragic. Maybe not life and death tragic, but some version of tragic none the less.
25 feet to get it right. Or to get it wrong.
I began to consider the journey to those 25 feet, wondering how important those feet are. And how we might influence them.
Reminiscing of my 25-foot-moments I tried to remember what led me there. What happened and how did I get it wrong? Did I get it wrong? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me -
On Chris Williamson's Modern Wisdom YouTube show with Tim Kennedy, a Special Forces master sergeant and author, Kennedy was recounting the extensive training of special forces. In the fog of war there is no time to think when bullets start flying. It's all reaction. He details the many micro movements of firing a weapon during a fire fight, emptying the weapon and reloading - all within seconds. It's not a strategic - "I now need to do this" - kind of thing. It's something you've practiced tens of thousands of times. So much that when the moment comes, it just happens.
It just happens.
He said you practice it so much, that when the moment comes, it just happens!
But first, it's a slow, arduous journey of working hard.
Everything is hard, until it's easy. Everything is slow, until it's fast.
This is why most things remain hard to many people. They don't put in the work.
It's why we remain broke, fat and miserable, too. And why too many of us lack faith, gratitude and compassion.
Because it's hard work. It's not couch potato work!
Some weeks ago I mentioned to Lisa Norris, my co-host on the Grow Great podcast (a podcast about city government leadership) that every high-performer I've ever known pursues the hard stuff. They're not complacent. They're all strategic in learning more, growing and adding to their arsenal. I remarked,
"Everything is hard, until it's easy and high-performer are always chasing the hard stuff."
Practice doesn't make perfect, but perfect practice does. That's what we've heard for decades. It's absurd though because it presupposes that our work ought to be perfect in practice (when it doesn't matter as much). However, if the saying speaks to the process of practice being perfect (our willingness to put in the work by doing what we must in order to improve), then it's not absurd at all.
When I heard Tim Kennedy's response I went back to notes I'd been making to myself about preparation (practice). I'm a lifelong fan of preparation. This - and all my podcasts - depict my fandom. I use a broadcast workflow because I'd rather prepare in advance of recording instead of just winging it, then fixing it all in editing after-the-fact. Besides, preparation is where I've found my confidence can be greatly enhanced. And I hate not feeling confident.
What is confidence? Where does it come from? Where do we have it?
Long ago I concluded that my confidence isn't singular. There are a few different types of confidence in my life.
First, there's confidence in God. I'll call it a spiritual confidence. It's based on belief, faith and conviction. It's not an internal faith in myself, but rather it's my inner confidence in something and someone else - something much higher and more powerful than myself. My spiritual confidence is based only on the Bible because it's the only standard I have to inform me about God. Any other confidence based on feelings or intuitions or urges would come from me, not the Bible. That makes them susceptible to being mere delusions so I won't base my spiritual confidence on such things.
Second, there's confidence in others. This is an external confidence based on my belief and trust in others. It may be based on past history or expected future. I'm confident that our family will help influence my five grandchildren to be successful adults, able to navigate their lives well. Ages 16 to 8, it's yet to be proven, but I have confidence in our family and in these children. Maybe it's an optimism based on the work we're putting in to help train them all. But it's not entirely based on the adults in the family. None of these 5 children have shown an unwillingness to be compliant to learn and improve.
My confidence in others is based on past behaviors and on my expectations of their capabilities. It's not an absolute though because I'm not in control of what they do. I'm not confident they'll please me because that's not my expectation. -
Note: The picture in the featured image is my 100-year-old dad holding my 92-year-old mother's hand as she lay dying. She passed from this life on April 4, 2024. They were married for 73 years, a testimony to the power of companionship.
Companion / Companionship
a person or animal with whom one spends a lot of time
a feeling of fellowship or friendship
Do you want to be alone with yourself?
And if not, then why do you think anybody else would ever want to be around you?
What is it about you that might be off-putting? Or unsafe?
Let's begin with a word, EFFORT. It's the thing we can all control. It's the igniter in the combustion chamber of success. Whether it's relationships - companionship, or some other pursuit - if we put in enough effort, we can always ensure our growth. Hard work may not result in an absolute win, but it will result in personal growth. The kind of growth that can impact every aspect of our life.
“Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” ― Helen Keller
In recent weeks I've talked a lot about my challenges with having too many spinning plates. This goes directly to EFFORT, which means we need to discuss another word, CAPACITY. There is a limit to our effort because our time is limited. And our ability is limited, too.
Time is easy to measure. It's definite.
Ability may be impossible to measure. I suspect we're all severely limited by our mind thinking "this is all I've got," when in reality, we can do more. Evidence of such things is the Navy Seal training and many other physical/mental challenges that people regularly conquer. The person who wants to run their first marathon may quit thinking it's too hard. But those who go on to run their first learn they're more able than they thought. Those who quit are convinced it just wasn't something within their reach. Like Henry Ford famously said...
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't --- you're right.”
What if we believed - truly believed - we were more able?
I have asked hundreds of executives, business owners, and other leaders a simple question: "Would you say that most of your dreams have come true?"
100% of them answer, "Yes."
That doesn't mean every dream was achieved. Or that they've got no more dreams left to chase. It just means they achieved most of the things they set out to achieve.
After they've weighed in, I'll then say, "Makes you wonder what kind of potential we're leaving on the floor, huh?"
What if we dreamed bigger? What if we chased something seemingly impossible for us? Our lives seem to be proving to us that we might be able to achieve most things we pursue. Why shouldn't we reach for more? And why shouldn't we help others reach for more?
Time is easier. Daily we say YES and NO. Daily we may say yes to things we'd rather say no to. We may also say no to things we'd really like to say yes to. All these decisions impact our time. They determine our calendar. And our calendar - those things we answer wrongly - determines our resentment and bitterness.
Suppose I say yes to an invitation I'd rather say no to. Maybe I'm cowardly in the moment. Maybe I'm too worried about hurt feelings. Not my own, but the person inviting me. Maybe social pressures are in play. But for some reason, I give the wrong answer and now this dreaded event is on my calendar.
Who is served by my wrong answer?
Not me.
Not my inviter.
Nobody else in my sphere. Because I'm going to dread it and it'll certainly impact my demeanor and behavior.
That doesn't mean I have to behave hatefully. I can certainly make the decision that's ideal in a polite way. I can be gracious and thank the person for inviting me, -
In 1982 I stood in front of a group of employees of the retail company I was running to tell them, "Who would have thought we'd reach a time when saying "please" and "thank you," "sir" and "ma'am" would be a competitive edge?" That was then. This is now.
Superior customer service is rare. That means the opportunities are extraordinary! Seize the day.
Abel seized the day. Here's his story, as posted on my Facebook profile.
Abel with Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine, Texas
Schlotzsky's Grand Prairie, Texas Is Today's Customer Service HORROR Story (Small Hill Drive location)
Rhonda placed an order via the app (something she's done with great frequency). Location: Grapevine, Texas. Problem: during checkout, the app encountered a problem with her saved credit card requiring that it be re-entered. Done. Order placed.
Problem #2: during that payment problem evidently the order location changed from Grapevine to Grand Prairie. She didn't notice that until we were in the drive-through of the Grapevine location. She explained the problem and they politely said, "No problem. Just call them to get a refund and we'll make the sandwiches here." So we pulled into a parking spot to call Grand Prairie.
She explained the problem and as they seemed to be helping her the connection went dead. I suspect they hung up on her (she was on the speakerphone). She dialed back. Explained it again, but this time it was a different person. "No, we've already made the sandwiches. No refund!" (Do this in the voice/tone of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld and you'll be dangerously close to the sound of this man on the phone). She asked for the manager. "I am the manager."
I took the phone to ply my powers of persuasion but without success. The Sandwich Nazi wasn't going to bend an inch. This $22 transaction was more meaningful than a long-time customer.
I entered the Grapevine store to see what I could do. A pleasant gentleman behind the counter was taking orders. I was 3rd in line. Immediately I thought, "This store isn't run by the same folks that operate Grand Prairie."
Turns out, I was right.
As I explained our quandary, the gentleman said, "Oh yeah, you were just in the drive-through." I told him Grand Prairie refused to issue a refund. He was shocked. I asked what I could do. He asked me what we ordered and I told him. He punched it into his computer and said, "I got you." No, no, no - that wasn't the solution I was looking for and I insisted on paying. "No," he insisted, "I got you."
I thanked him and told him I was going to share this story. I gave him my business card, took a quick selfie as he handed me the order, gave him a bro hug, and thanked him asking, "What's your name?" I'm pretty sure he said, "Able." If not, I apologize. It was busy and I didn't want to detain him.
Schlotzsky's in Grand Prairie - Small Hill Drive - boos and hisses to your ownership and management for pathetic customer services
Schlotzsky's in Grapevine - kudos and salutes to your ownership and management for stepping up to do the right thing. A special shout-out to the gentleman in the picture. He understands how to be excellent!
NOTE: Abel is his name! Hours later and I'm still very impressed with this man. Visit Abel and his staff at the Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine, Texas and tell them you saw this post.
Pursue excellence. Chase consistency in that excellence.
Do it in your professional life. Do it in your personal life.
There are opportunities everywhere!
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me -
Sloping seems more gentle than stumbling. And graceful. But when it comes to growing older it can be inaccurate. We don't slope toward a face plant. We stumble. We fall. Face-first into the ground.
"Everywhere I look I see opportunities," I said. The conversation was about how we see the world and our place. Me? I have lived life trying to take various hills. Then quickly seeking out a new hill to take. Sometimes the hill is simply making it better. Always making it better - or trying to - is the curse of my mind.
As I approach the beginning of my 67th year on the earth I know the end began on day one. Growing up, children only think about the present or the future. Age urges us to focus on the future and we increasingly lose track of the present. Today wasn't great, but tomorrow will be better. Until we realize our past is larger than our prospective future, which prompts us to remember. Old people don't tend to talk about the future, but they rehearse - often with boring repetition - the past.
In the future, I'm liable to be guilty of the same behavior even though I hate it. I hope to avoid doing it.
The end has begun. The end of many things has begun, sparking the beginning of others.
Experience, not age, has taught me how little I know. And how far I have to go to reach my ideal outcome. Mostly, that ideal outcome is me. Not in some self-centered way, but in the sense that all I will ever contribute to the world is myself. Being my best self. Nothing else matters.
My impact - whatever it may be - is all any of us have to offer. It's not a minimal thing either. It's massive. More so for some than others because our talents, drives, ambitions, and opportunities aren't equal. There's also luck. Mark Cuban remarked that luck was the difference between him being a millionaire and a billionaire. So it goes.
I feel like I've grown. Evidence shows it's somewhat true.
Never mind that some likely view me in light of the worst chapters - or sentences - I've written. Everybody can make up their mind about me, or anybody else. And they do.
My days are spent focused on other people's lives. Largely on their professional challenges and opportunities. Sometimes the focus is solely on their personal lives because what ails them is deeply personal. Challenges come from all angles. Oportunities, too.
The drive to make a difference is always the hill I'm trying to take. The methodology is asking questions.
I figure things out by asking questions. Asking questions provides answers. Questioning answers clarifies existing answers. The focus isn't on me, so the questions are aimed at helping others figure it out. After all, it's not mine to figure out. It's a deep version of the old TV show, "This Is Your Life." It's not my life. I have my stuff to figure out. It's only about me so I can better understand, ask better questions, and improve at helping others figure things out.
Relationships.
Careers.
Faith.
Financial circumstances.
Habits.
Beliefs.
Choices.
Behaviors.
Skills.
Abilities.
Perspectives.
Hobbies.
Preferences.
Everything is subject to change.
Everything decays. Decay starts at the beginning and continues until the end.
But Eternity changes everything because according to God's Word, Heaven has no decay. Hell doesn't either. Bliss or torture without interruption.
That's not how life on earth works. Bliss, happiness, joy, peace - they're all interrupted by decay. Each has enemies that disturb or destroy.
Our lives are subject to change because other people have choices that can interrupt our choices and preferences. Some years ago I had different goals and dreams than I had just a handful of years ago. The changes in my goals were driven by the choices others made, which compelled me to change my mind as I tried to figure out my best path forward. It happens. To all of us.
Those folks who enjoy blaming God for all the mishaps or misfortune in the... -
February 1974, Baton Rouge. Near the entrance to Louisiana State University. A record store, my favorite hang out. Leisure Landing.
I enter the store and a record is playing. It's alt-country. Weird. Because the guy's name is Ian Matthews. Ian isn't a southern United States name.
I grab the album cover and begin to read the back. Two players who I already admire are on this record. Jeff "Skunk" Baxter of Steely Dan fame and David Lindley of Jackson Browne fame. I love both of these guys. I'm enjoying this record. Ian is an Englishman playing alternative country, folksy tunes.
Some days you eat the bear...
Some days the bear eats you.
I've never heard this artist before.
I've never heard this phrase before either.
But I'm street smart and quickly discern it means, "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose."
That's today's show. A new episode from inside The Yellow Studio 4.0.
Enjoy!
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me -
"The only way to learn how many plates you can spin is to break some plates. The question of capacity guarantees failure." - T.S. Elliot
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot (no relation to T.S. that I'm aware of)
I'm not a plate-spinner.
I am able to multi-task, but it's not actually multi-tasking at all. It's really intense focus on a single thing with enough speed to get a number of things accomplished over a short period. That makes it look like multi-tasking.
Themes of the week have been:
Self-control or self-regulation - manifested in the struggles people have with porn addiction, marital infidelity, alcohol, work, parenting, unruly children, loneliness and more
Capacity and resources - what's our limit?
Congruency - frustration in hearing people (often bosses) say one thing, but do something completely different
Failing to figure out how or where we fit - not understanding why or how we're making a difference / wondering if we are
I've got too much going on - too many irons in the fire. I'm working on it and I'll share more.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal
I plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you'd like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use [email protected]).
Thank you! -
Galatians 6:7-9 "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth unto his own flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth unto the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not be weary in well-doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."
Show High-Lights
Anybody can do easy. It requires resolve and grit to do difficult things. It requires skill, talent and solid determination to learn to do hard things well.
We're the constraint.
The value is in battling ourselves, not others.
Feelings don't equal evidence. Figuring out what's real and what isn't is hard work worth doing well.
Don't discount your will power. Don't over-estimate it either. It's a major component of the work, but it's not the only component.
Who you surround yourself with matters. The environment we put ourselves in has a major impact in our ability (and agility) to navigate figuring out how to do the hard things well. We're all influenced by our surroundings. Guard your environment.
Beliefs become reality. But delusions - which seem real - are still delusions. That's why evidence based living is still the path forward to mastering hard things.
Consider what's possible even if you initially think it's not. Learn what you don't yet know. Figure it out. Just make sure you're not restricting yourself with false notions. Don't feel sorry for yourself or feel like others can do it, but you can't.
Ponder your ideal outcomes. Imagine what might be available - and possible. Often, there's sufficient evidence for what probable, while we refuse to think it's even possible. It stops us dead in our tracks when we could be many miles further up the road to greater success!
Compounding is powerful. Doing a little bit consistently over time likely beats trying to sprint until we're winded.
Learning to do hard things well takes time and repeated efforts that become ingrained. Doing hard things well is habitual. Otherwise, it's inconsistent. Anybody can be a minor league player. Only those who perform well every single time can be major leaguers.
Laziness and procrastination are easy. That's where the masses live. Don't be fooled into thinking you can behave just like them and achieve something greater than average. Or worse.
Berating yourself is worthless. Accurate self-examination is priceless. See yourself for what you truly are and fix what ails you. Lean into your strengths. Shore up weaknesses so they don't derail you. Devote yourself to making yourself better in every way. Accept nothing less. Remember, you'll either make a way, or you'll make an excuse.
Learning means making mistakes, but it means making mistakes where you're still doing your best - and making mistakes you know you can recover from. When you get it wrong - and you will - determine that you'll make it right. Only fools repeat their mistakes. Learn from yours and get better. Always be getting better!
Working is hard. Retirement is hard. Health is hard. Sickness is hard. Being in a great relationship is hard. Being lonely is hard. Whatever you choose to name, on either end of the spectrum - it's hard. Every day we get to decide which hard we'll pursue. But there's a major difference in the positive things that are hard. They require more effort on the front end. A higher investment upfront. By doing that, we may be able to forego a tougher consequence.
Self-discipline is the key. Let's be clear about the definition of discipline. Discipline is the quality of being able to behave and work in a controlled way which involves obeying particular rules or standards. Self-discipline is our ability to control ourselves.
Execution matters! If we're going to learn to get good at doing hard things well, we have to find the way to do them well more often than not. Ideally, to do them well all the time, every time. -
About 15 years into my podcasting journey I recorded an episode entitled, A Virtual Tour Of My Podcasting Studio. I published it 9 years ago today, January 25, 2015. In 2019 I published an update, Welcome Inside The Yellow Studio (This Is How I Podcast Now). Since then I've tried to keep a page on my personal website updated - Inside The Yellow Studio.
The technology has changed monumentally since I began almost 24 years ago. Things have gotten so much easier - and so much more refined. As much as I enjoyed those early years when all of us were figuring it out, today is better. Today's show is less about the operational part of podcasting though and it's more about the metaphor of The Yellow Studio - creating, publishing and sharing. It's about the broadcasting of stories, ideas, observations and insights. It's about a journey into creativity. Well, it's about a journey deeper into creativity. I won't bore you with the earliest memories of the journey which began in childhood engaged in all sort of acts of imagination.
As much as I love to learn, which requires mounds of consuming (reading, listening, observing), I'm more in love with creativity, crafting something from mostly nothing. Starting with a spark. Sometimes small. Sometimes not. A burning ember sometimes. A bolt of lightning at other times.
Creativity takes practice. As in, you have to do it. Also, as in you have to do it repeatedly to improve.
Bouts of creativity against not being creative at all have prevailed my entire life. As a little boy playing with an impressive Matchbox car collection to laying in the yard looking up through the pines at the clouds wondering what to do next. Enthusiastic hours spent building a fort in the woods or a treehouse in the backyard coupled with lethargic hours spent telling ourselves we had nothing to do. Boredom always best fought off by engaging the gears of our imagination so we could create hours of delight often doing something we'd not done before. Or doing things we'd done a million times before. And ready to do it again one more time because we loved it so.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal
I plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you'd like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use [email protected]).
Thank you! -
Shameless
An adjective meaning insensible to disgrace
Retirement
A noun meaning a withdrawal from one's position or occupation or from active working life or the age at which one normally retires
The United States adopted an initial retirement age of 65 with the Social Security Act of 1935. By the mid-20th century, almost all countries had adopted a retirement age of between 60-65. About 40% of Americans receive Social Security retirement benefits as their exclusive income. The average benefit is just over $1700 monthly.
Financial advice is varied, but advisors widely suggest no more than 70% of your retirement income should come from Social Security. If you were to collect the average amount - $1700 - then you'd have a monthly income of about $2400 if that math worked in your life. That's $28,800 a year, hardly a comfortable living for most people.
However, as of this year (2023), the average check to 65-year-olds is about $2500 a month. Apply that 70% suggestion, then your total monthly income could rise to $3600, or $43,200 a year. That's $14,400 more than $28,800.
Lots of people are doing the math urging folks to collect Social Security as soon as possible - age 62. For some, that may make sense. For others, it may not. I'm not an accountant or financial advisor. I'm just a guy sitting inside The Yellow Studio making observations about all this now that I'm 66-1/2, full retirement age.
Full Retirement Age
Full retirement age (FRA) is the age you must reach to receive full retirement benefits from Social Security. Your FRA varies depending on the year you were born. The FRA in the United States is 66 years and two months for those born in 1955, increasing gradually to 67 for those born in 1960 or later. Since my wife and I were born in 1957, 66-1/2 is our FRA. I achieved that in November and Rhonda hit it here in December.
Life is more than numbers, but the numbers matter. What about things other than numbers?
Routine and habits tend to overpower older lives. Neuroscience informs us that we're all subject to habituation.
Habituation
Habituation is a decrease in response to a stimulus after repeated presentations. The American Psychological Association says it involves "growing accustomed to a situation or stimulus," thereby diminishing its effectiveness.
We commonly call it being stuck. Getting in a rut.
What produces satisfaction or happiness?
Meaning is number one. Control is number two.
We need meaning in our lives. Some way where we measure our worth or value in the world.
We also need a degree of control over our own lives. Freedom is choice - the ability to make a choice is largely how we execute control.
As we grow older both of these can be challenges. No surprise because both are challenges no matter our age.
We've all experienced moments where we hit a high in meaning and control. Like that first big raise we got, it didn't seem to last. Things seem to settle into some sort of a norm sooner than later.
The hedonic treadmill is the idea that an individual's level of happiness, after rising or falling in response to positive or negative life events, ultimately tends to move back toward where it was prior to these experiences. It's like that proverbial set point for our weight. Changing that thermostat is hard. Doable, but hard.
This is where habituation is a double-edged sword. It helps us progress and move forward even though it may rob us of some joy. And without habituation, we're incapable of moving. Imagine having to make every little decision afresh every day. How exhausting would that be? So we need habits to a point. We just need to be mindful of our need for - the benefits of - change! New things. New experiences. New learning. Growth.
Scary can be good. Sure, it can be bad, too. But just because it's scary doesn't mean it's one or the other. It means scary is uncomfortable because it's outside our habits. -
Sorry. My usual show notes don't exist. And I was too lazy this time of year to write them. But I do have a couple of calls to action.
One, join us over in the Facebook group if you care. I'd love to have you in the group.
Two, support my efforts to lean hard into video in 2024. My goal is to crowd-fund $1000. I'm about 50% there so it's coming along. But you can help me out if you'd like (see below).
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal
I plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you'd like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use [email protected]).
Thank you! -
I appreciate you all very much. Thank you.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal
I plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use [email protected]).
Thank you! - Näytä enemmän
