Episodit
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A TV writers room can be a cranky, hostile place. Rob Long and his colleagues spend their days arguing over which story beats to keep, whose joke is funnier, and what to order for lunch. But is it better when that chaos happens with people you’ve worked with before or strangers? An academic study gave Rob the answer.
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The next few weeks are going to be tough, a little bit like being force-fed goat cheese if you are Rob Long. So in this current toxic political environment, or really in any uncomfortable situation forced upon you, Rob has some simple advice. Use the word ‘huh’ — the one magic word that saves you from further confrontation.
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Puuttuva jakso?
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The Ankler recently launched The Ladder, a hub for early career entertainment professionals, which has Rob Long wondering one thing: What are these people thinking? Gone are the days where a 24-year-old like Rob could come to L.A. and months later be staffed on a show like Cheers, or make a lot of money specializing in just story beats or jokes. Today, you have to be a “multi-hyphenate,” or, to put it in Rob’s old Hollywood lingo, a “sweat act” — able to do a little bit of everything.
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A normal person, when a friend tells them about their broke dad with cancer, think this is a sad story; this poor guy; how can I help? Not Rob Long. He latches on to the part of the story about the dad having to move in with his New-Age vegan daughter to be closer to the hospital, and begins to wonder could this be a pitch?
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We perform plastic surgery on a lot of things in Hollywood — even history. Say you’ve got an amazing true story about the highest-ranking woman in the mafia, as Rob Long once did, but you don’t know how many people she killed. Why not make it lots of them? Now it’s not quite true, it’s “based on true events,” but good enough. As Rob can attest, there’s not a story in the world — true or not — that couldn’t use a little Botox.
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Like many writers, Rob Long enjoys opining on writing more than actual writing. There’s no greater procrastination than, say, teaching a class on “maintaining focus.” Meanwhile, there are other writers at their computers, getting ideas out the door that are getting pitched first. Which may be when it’s time for procrastinators to turn to the best TV writing hack of all time: Sell the house.
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Indiana Smith didn’t sound quite right to Spielberg and Lucas, so they changed it to Indiana Jones — and the rest is history. You never know what’s going to work and what’s going to fail. Or why. That’s part of what makes notes, a pillar of Rob Long’s existence, so tricky. Because sometimes you should play ball with what a network wants. But other times you might need to pull a Sinatra: “My Way.”
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It’s not easy being blunt in Hollywood, with a lot of time spent dancing around the truth. Is a network or studio actually interested in the pitch? How much money are they willing to pay? That’s why it’s worth remembering the fan letter an actress friend of Rob Long’s received, where the sender was less invested in her career than making sure she answered his more prurient podiatry queries. After all, someone has to ask for what you want, get to the point and keep everyone focused on the important things, which is how Rob finds himself praising, yes, his agent.
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When a fading comedian says they want new material, that's not what they want. What they want is “new old material,” meaning fresh jokes that sound like the ones they’ve already told. Hollywood today finds itself in the same predicament: needing new shows that feel like the old ones. Because, as Rob Long points out, the comforting and the familiar are what audiences crave — like Italian food — and can fix an industry today broken right down the middle.
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Rob Long has tried everything: Meditation, free writing, morning pages — all in an effort to be more present, to get out of reading trade headlines and reflexively wondering, But how does this benefit me? In an industry pathologically insular and insecure, it’s hard to imagine the world outside. Now with Hollywood in desperate need of a shakeup, Rob’s going first: He reveals the surprise masters degree he’s now pursuing and you won’t believe it. Just don’t say he left showbiz.
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Writing is a tough, lonely profession. One of its worse qualities: the payment structure, broken up into a zillion little pieces, withheld in full until the bitter end and altogether utterly unpredictable. The whole charade can make someone like Rob Long, understandably, crazy. That’s why, when a production company asks for a tax ID number, or a residual check comes in at $12, not $11, it’s hard not to get a little emotional.
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When tourists trek to Hollywood for their summer vacations, they want a look at the glamour they see onscreen. Instead they get Hollywood Boulevard, and filthy Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck in a fist-fight. Yet when the tourists disappear and the season turns, so do Rob Long’s emotions: Into fears about age, the business passing him by, why he never had another career. But then, as reliable as Labor Day on the calendar, he puts the costume back on again.
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Ever tell the stranger sitting next to you on a flight what you do for a living? If you work in entertainment, your seatmate likely will first say, “Have I seen anything you worked on?” and then, “You know what you should do a show about?” And forget about answering the question about how your job exactly works. Because the rules of TV writing and the business have all the inconclusiveness and ambiguity of an annoying French sitcom.
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Why is it that the sweaty, doughy production assistants of decades past become the power brokers and “maximized” types of today? It’s the same reason the prolific, focused writers — regardless of quality — are able to get things made: They’re the ones actually sweating.
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When he heard news of Bob Newhart’s death, Rob Long reached into an old shoebox to find a picture of himself with the comedy legend. Like many who had such a memento, his first thought was, “Get that image on Instagram pronto.” But he held off. Why? Because if he learned one thing from the man known for comedic timing, it’s that sometimes less is more. Sometimes it’s better to take a pause, clear your throat and just say . . . Bob Newhart was the best.
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During Rob Long’s first job at Paramount, he would see a dusty, silver DeLorean on level two every day in the parking structure as he rolled in late for his gig on a hit show. Despite all the 1986 flash it signaled, its license plate gave the game away: That person had been on a popular show and now wasn’t. Everyone in Hollywood thinks they’ll always be parking on five, a place where you set your own hours and are flush with cash, but could end up, say, like Candle Media, back on two. So, Rob advises, maybe hang on to that Subaru.
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Grudges and feuds make Hollywood go ‘round. But sometimes, they are so longstanding that, as Rob Long learned, the aggrieved sometimes forget why they’re even mad. Which is why Rob is an advocate for, if not forgiveness, at least forgetfulness. Because without it, we wouldn’t be repeating the constant storytelling themes of friendship, money and family. And people would know that Succession was really just Dynasty.
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In this age of contraction, Hollywood is full of unemployed showrunners grinding out half fleshed-out pilot ideas. But a great sense of story isn’t the only attribute needed to be a showrunner. It also requires decisiveness, self-awareness and preparedness. And that last trait applies to more than just running a show. Just ask the medical professionals that put together Rob Long’s “home collection kit.”
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As a child, Rob watched old sitcoms like Gilligan’s Island and Bewitched while pretending to do homework. He likes to say that his slacking off prepared him for the writing career he has now. Sure, he learned sitcom structure, but more important, by neglecting his schoolwork, he became less of a thinker. And in show business, thinkers just mess things up.
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When Rob Long sold his house in Venice Beach for his move to New York, the question from neighbors was universal: “When did you buy your house?” In other words, it wasn’t about where he was going, but how much money he was making. Selling high, of course, requires also believing things will get worse. Not hard in showbiz these days. Which explains why Rob recently found himself on the subway into the city from JFK.
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