Episodit
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Do you ever get scared?
Children do. They get scared all the time. It’s part of their development, which comes as a hallmark of developing brain and their ever-expanding cognition. Though all the learning that our children do is exciting, the fear of the many unknown things around them is no fun. How do we help them?
Fear is a tough emotion to process. It’s not something you want to do alone, especially as a child. At the same time, fear is something you would only talk about with someone you can trust. But, even more importantly, it needs to be someone who can understand.
And that’s why this question. Children wonder, if we get scared too.
Do you ever get scared?
What should you say?
Would it be helpful to tell them that we are not afraid?
Would this help them see that there is nothing to worry about?
What would give our children confidence?
What tools work? -
What to do if you tend to get so frustrated with your child that you lose your cool? Do you need a solution for those moments when you are just ready to explode? In this episode, find out:
why it often feels that anger is too difficult to control what to focus on instead of wishing to stop being angry how to slow down time & ourselves enough space to respond rather than react how to stretch your continuum of feelings to see more opportunities for a re-setIt is important to notice strong emotions as they gradually arise inside us and before they get so big they spill outside. This is usually where things have gone too far. But do not worry, there is a way to use past experiences as an opportunity to practice. We can retrace our steps and learn a new way of handling anger and other challenging emotions.
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Staying consistent in parenting is not easy, especially when the child’s behavior seems erratic and unpredictable. And yet, the only way to settling testing behaviors is the consistency of our response.
To stay consistent we need to remember why there is a specific expectation and what values will be broken if we do not follow through with our intention. If we break our own word, it is hard to convince the child we are worth listening to.
Although staying consistent may be hard, spotting inconsistent parenting practices is relatively easy. In this episode we are talking about three types of scenarios that inconsistent parenting fits into and how to act instead.
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One of the biggest traps of parenting is the double standard parenting. We do not do this intentionally. And yet, we do fall into this trap more often than we would love to admit, perhaps.
When we give in and do not hold consistent expectations, we create a double standard. Knowing why that happens and what implications double-standard parenting has on child development as a whole, can help us be more mindful of this trap and be proactive in how we interact with our children.
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What do future-ready children look like? And if the future is so unpredictable, how can we prepare our children for it?
Yes, thinking about the great unknown can cause a lot of anxiety. But here is the good news:
Not only is there a set of skills and abilities that will matter down the road no matter what the future looks like, but these are also the things we can do today.
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It is not easy to parent a child, and it is certainly not easy to do in this century. With so many changes in how we live today, the pace of these changes, and not knowing what we need to prepare our children for, it can be quite anxiety provoking.
One of the ways we deal with that anxiety is we begin to cling onto what we think we can control -- our children. But what happens when we try to control our children from the place of our own fear is that we become rigid and narrow minded. That kind of mindset eventually leads to biased thinking & missed opportunities.
Instead of focusing on what we cannot predict, let us turn to the qualities and skills that will always be relevant for as long as there will be human beings around. What can we teach our children today that they can benefit from today and in the future? -
All children have challenging behavior.
This is normal.
Until it gets to be too much.
It is one thing when our children have an occasional tantrum or get stuck with the limits we set for them. This is OK because reacting emotionally is the way children navigate their environment. But when yelling, arguments, tears, and tantrums occur on a daily basis, it rises to a different level of concern.
How do you begin to tackle a persistent problem behavior?
You may have tried setting limits, expanding consequences, and maybe even got frustrated enough to go the punishment route… What do you do if the behavior persist? The answer is in the deeper unmet needs that hide beneath the surface of the child’s behavior.
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What to do when children misbehave?
Do we need to address that behavior?
How do we respond?
Do we even need to respond?
Yes, we do need to respond. It is our responsibility to teach children what can and cannot be done, what is acceptable and what is not. This is the way we teach boundaries and help our children understand how to function among other people, but also what is good for their own development.
But what is the best way to teach that? Do punishments work? How are punishment different from consequences?
When we implement consequences, we can see much better results and improvement in child behavior, but we do need to keep in mind the following:
Is the consequence appropriate? Is the consequence hurting our relationship? Is it teaching the right skills and lessons? -
Getting kids to listen and follow our directions is the most common challenge parents face. Ideally, we think about setting limits with children before we run into conflicts. It is so much easier to be proactive. But even if we are finding ourselves stuck, there is a way out. The secret is in the relationship and the approach we take to setting limits.
Before we go ahead and set limits for the child, we need to ask ourselves how well is the child following the limits that are already in place. The answer to this question will depend on three important things:
How reasonable these limits are The quality of our emotional connection with the child How consistent are the limitsInstead of trying to force our children into compliance with our expectations, let’s try a more effective way of communicating our limits to them. In this episode we explore the diplomatic approach that is based on the following five principles:
1. Limits are a natural part of life 2. Need for information 3. Quality over quantity 4. Shared control 5. Positive Language -
Why is it important that our children become emotionally competent? Emotions help us understand what we need and what we don’t want. When we understand our emotions, we acquire powerful tools. If we also see how important it is for our children to begin to understand their own emotions, it becomes a priority for us as parents to make sure our children acquire emotional competence.
Learn in this episode:
where and with whom the child can acquire emotional competence the time it takes to become emotionally competent skills we need as parents to raise emotionally competent children what gets in the way of building emotional competence why we cannot delegate emotional development of the child to someone else
Find other details and show notes at www.minimumviableparenting.com
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Do you know that the best way to support the child is to listen to them? And do you know how to listen?
What is the goal of true listening and how do we listen with intention?
In this episode, we are exploring why listening to children is not only developmentally important, but how it is also the best tool we can have as parents to working through and solving many challenging situations.
Learn three steps to real listening and how to turn this art into practice.
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What do you do when you catch your child lying? Have you been perplexed as to why this happens and what to do with this behavior?
To tackle this challenge, we need to understand where the child is at developmentally and be able to tell the difference between intentional deception and other forms of non-truth and storytelling. We also need to embrace the fact that lies, when they happen, do tell us a lot about the child's hidden needs and can show us the way to approach the situation.
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How to raise children who win? So many parents wonder, how to make sure our children succeed? The simple answer is to raise children who are not afraid to fail. Children who know how to face failure, have the kind of skills that all true winners need.
Children who win, are the children who try, again and again. They look for opportunities to give it a shot, and then another shot. Children with a winner’s attitude know that they may lose and they still go for it, because going for it increases their chances at getting better and getting to their goal eventually.
In order to raise a child who accomplishes what they set out to do, we need to guide them through emotions that come with failure, which will build on their capacity for emotional control, which will then build their tolerance for failure. This tolerance shapes them into resilient children who persevere through challenges and disappointments, because ultimately they see themselves as the key drivers of getting to their goals.
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Our most important role in the child's life is to help the development of identity and the sense of Self. We do that in many ways and by using numerous tools, but it all starts with unconditional regards and acceptance.
The sense of acceptance works like a compass, with its purpose being to guide the child towards those who care deeply, who will protect, and will not reject the child on any level. At a very basic level, before any of this can be articulated in a more mature experience of emotions and the social context in which they may appear, the need for acceptance tells the child to stick around those who will make sure you not only survive, but blossom.
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Setting limits is often the most challenging task when it comes to parenting and it does mean exercising control over the situation and making decisions as a parent. While we all understand that setting limits is critical, many of us struggle with it. And one of the reasons why, is because parental control is a touchy subject.
In this episode, we talk about setting limits and, more specifically, I frame this conversation around the parents’ right and responsibility to exercise control. So if setting limits is a necessity and parental control is not only a right, but a responsibility, why is it so hard to have the confidence to do that as a parent? So the question is really not whether parental control is needed or whether the parent has to have the power of decision, but what kind of control and how to implement it. This is the art of the parenting practice that takes into consideration the power to help the child and prepare them for the future.
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We’ve all done it. At one time or another, we have compared our children to someone else’s. How many times have we said, “Look at so-and-so, why can’t you be like them?” Certainly never said with a malicious intent, comparing children does lead to poor self-esteem. But why is it such a bad thing?
Sometimes we use this trick as a means of getting the child to listen to us or to motivate them, but it is a costly strategy.Comparison sets children up for competitions they are not ready for. Comparing children creates winners and losers, when there can be none. Both sides of this competition cary unhealthy perceptions of their abilities and skills, and live the consequences of these early and illogical wins and losses that come when we compare one child to another. Ultimately, comparing children to one another hurts both sides and impacts their self-esteem.
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As gadgets become part of our children's lives, we get to hear many opinions on what is appropriate use and how much screen time is OK.
Where do you get your advice from? How much do you trust the media? How many of your decisions you question based on what you read or hear? How to know what source is reputable and how to judge for yourself?
In this episode, I share the guidelines I recommend and follow in my personal life and professional practice. I also offer 6 tools of critical inquiry you can apply to evaluate what you read and make informed decisions.
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Limits that we set for our children will be more effective when they are set in a generally positive home atmosphere. The kind of atmosphere that conveys respect towards the child and acknowledgement of them as an individual.
The way we interact with our children in general, outside of times when we need to set limits, influences our relationship with them. And this relationship will not only support our efforts when we do need to set limits around what is allowed, but also -- and more importantly -- help the child develop a healthy and balanced sense of self-esteem.
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Do you protect your own boundaries? If yes, then you know the value of teaching the same skills and awareness to your children. For these essential life lessons, it is never too late to start but the earlier we start the better off our children are.
Where would you even begin?
How to teach boundaries to children?
Isn’t it such an abstract concept?
In today’s episode, not only are we talking about modeling the right boundaries, but also about explicitly bringing the child’s attention to it with clear and direct language. You will also learn what do boundaries have to do with parent burnout, and how good boundaries can help us be proactive in building a sustainable and viable parenting life. -
Knowing how important it is to maintain our well-being as parents, what would you do to prevent parent burnout? You could probably quit your job if it were driving you crazy, but you can’t quit your children, no matter how much they exhaust you. Typical suggestions given to people that experience job stress (take a vacation, set boundaries on your time, switch teams, etc.) do not quite work for parents. While setting boundaries is definitely a must, it can only can be done to a certain extent because you cannot close the door on your children and “go home” -- they are your home.
Even though some of these things are not really possible for parents, there are practical suggestions that you can benefit from right away, as long as you implement them consistently. Also, let’s keep in mind that often times it is a matter of degree rather than kind, when it comes to strategies. For example, even though you cannot take a leave of absence from your parenting job, like you potentially could from a job that burns you out, you can and need to take time away from your children on a regular basis, you just need to figure out for how long and how often would be possible.
In this episode, we go over 8 STEPS that can get you started now on the path to either preventing parent burnout from happening, or recovering from it if you are heading there.
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