Episodit
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We have talked about the importance of healing from abuse and why healing matters not only for us the survivors of abuse, but to our relationships
But we haven't really talked about what it means to be healed
How do we define healing and being healed?
After reading about Internal Family Systems (IFS) Kevin recognized that this is a subject that we haven't gone into detail about and how meaningful a subject it is
So in this episode we discuss What is important to Heal and what does healing mean for a survivor of abuse
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We're very excited about interviewing Johnny because it gave us both such hope
The reason that his interview gave us hope is that he is young (20 years old) and he is already working on his healing from the abuse that he experienced
This is such a positive sign that things are starting to change as far as there is more resources available now for survivors and these resources are easier to find
Johnny found our podcast and after listening to some episodes he felt that he wanted to share his story hoping that his story would help other survivors find their voice and have the courage to share their own stories
He also wants to be available to other survivors if they need someone to talk to and we are including his Instagram handle for anyone who would like to reach him
Johnny Braun (@itsjohnnybraun) âą Instagram photos and videos
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Puuttuva jakso?
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I(t's easy to feel like an "other" when you are a survivor of abuse
To feel different but not in a good way
What does it take to embrace the good in being different?
What are our traits that set us apart in a way that others notice
How do we turn those traits into our superpower
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Since this is the time of year when there is so much youth sports happening we decided to re broadcast our episode about abuse and misconduct in youth sports
In this episode we interview Kevin's wife Charnell about the research that she has been doing about the issues of sexual abuse in youth sports
Her research has led her to the Dordulian Law Group who specialize in sex abuse and other offenses and to "SafeSport" which is an "independent nonprofit committed to building a sport community where participants can work and learn together free of emotional, physical and sexual abuse misconduct"
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It's almost that time of year again so what better time to revisit our episode about the holidays
For survivors of abuse navigating the holidays can be difficult especially if the perpetrator is a relative
So it can be helpful to plan ahead for ways of dealing with the issues that can come up when we are preparing for holiday gatherings
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Cynicism is toxic in our lives and it spreads through our relationships
As survivors of abuse it is hard to trust others when we have been taught they want to hurt us
It can be easy to hold on to that cynical point of view of others because we think that we are just being protective
It is possible to unlearn our cynicism which will enable us to have healthier relationships and heal
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So often as survivors of abuse we cope with triggers and depression and anxiety with methods that are unhealthy for ourselves and for those that we care about
Sometimes we aren't even aware of the ways that we are coping
They might not even seem to be that unhealthy to anyone else
But if our coping mechanisms are controlling us than we are just using them as a crutch that prevents us from actually progressing
But there are ways of finding other ways of coping that are healthy and help us in our journey to healing
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So many times we hear that therapy is so important
But for most of us who have never experienced therapy it can be a really scary thing to try
The only time we experience therapy is what we see on TV or movies
So we don't know what to expect
But it's so important to get good counseling to help you get through the experience of being a survivor
How do we know what is good therapy going to be like
It is important to know that everyone is different so therapy is going to be a different experience for you
So how do you know if you are doing it right
You try it with an open mind and the courage to be vulnerable
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The pain that comes from being abused doesn't just go away
But what happens to it?
Our pain as survivors evolves as we explore it and learn where it comes from
Expressing our pain helps us to learn how to accept it and handle it in ways that we can grow from
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Luke first came on our podcast over three years ago on episode 24
Since then he has been on our podcast several more times and on many other podcasts
So we wanted to catch up with Luke and find out how things have been going and what has changed for him now since he first came on
And also why he thinks it was so important for him to share his story with us the first time and why he still finds it so important to keep sharing
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One of the hardest things for survivors to realize is how the affects of the abuse on us is affecting those around us
The issues that we have because of what happened to us can affect all of our relationships
But we feel that we are the only one that is suffering
So if we don't want to get help because we don't think we need to than we are are ignoring the problems we could be having with our relationships
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Our mental maps are the shortcuts that our brains use when it is in the default mode
Unfortunately for survivors of abuse our maps can be faulty and even unhealthy for us
The good news is that we can change our mental maps for the better
By becoming aware of the mental maps we have when we go into default mode we can intentionally work on changing the unhealthy ones and learn healthy new ones
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How do you know if it was really abuse?
Maybe you feel that it wasn't that bad, especially compared to what someone else went through
Or you wonder if it was abuse if if you were stimulated and you got excited
Or you feel like it was your fault that you should have known better
Maybe you were told that it was your fault and you believed them
The fact is that as a child you cannot give consent to any kind of sexual activity, you don't have the understanding to give that consent
So any sexual act that you experienced as a child is considered non consensual and therefore abuse
It doesn't matter if it only happened once, or you feel that you found it exciting or stimulating
All abuse is wrong and it was not your fault
What matters is how it affected you when it happened and how it is affecting you now
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Finding hope can be challenging for abuse survivors who are often suffering from a sense of hopelessness
Hope is a feeling that can be learned because it comes from the way that we think about ourselves and our accomplishments
When we learn that the feeling of hope comes from how we think about ourselves and that we control those thoughts then we can find that hope is possible for survivors
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Going through the process of healing from sexual abuse can be so difficult
There are times it can be an emotional roller coaster of sadness and anger which can be very tiring
Sometimes it can be helpful to have a outlet where you can find comfort and safety
There are also times when it can help to find an outlet that connects you to your emotions in a safe place
This can be many different things from music to art to dance to journal writing, whatever helps you connect to your emotions
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As an abuse survivor there are many decisions that we have to make that most people aren't faced with
Do we tell our story, who do we tell and when
Part of what can make our decisions so hard is our own expectations about what will happen
Until we actually take the steps to tell our story and get the help that we deserve our expectations about what is going to happen when we tell our story can be so overwhelming it can make it hard to do it
Having some control over our expectations can help us to take the steps that we need in order to find the healing that we deserve
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In episode 121 Laurie challenged Kevin to do an experiment
Kevin accepted the challenge and was excited to see the results
Because this challenge turned out to be so exciting for Kevin we decided to send this challenge out to you, our listeners
So in this episode we are talking about what the challenge was and explaining why it is such a helpful exercise for you as a survivor of abuse to do
We hope that you too will find this challenge exciting and helpful and we can't wait to hear your results!
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We revisit this important panel discussion on shame, both healthy shame and toxic shame
With our former guests Tracy Stephanie and Ashleigh and Kevin's wife Charnell
We discuss how shame affects our lives as survivors of abuse and how there can be healthy shame and toxic shame
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One of the hardest questions survivors ask is if there is a God why does He let abuse happen?
Was it a part of his plan? Or was I being punished for something?
None of us truly know Gods plan but if we are given free will than the only one to blame for our abuse would be the perpetrator.
We are never at fault for the abuse that happened to us and blaming anyone besides the perpetrator does not help our healing.
â No Longer Ashamedâ
â No Longer Ashamed FBâ
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How we define ourselves and how others would define us can be very different.
Where our identity comes from matters on how we present our-self.
But we might not be aware of how others perceive us because of the way we learned to define ourselves that we are not aware of.
Alot of what we can learn about our own values can come from what we consider important in others , how we view what we feel is an important characteristic in others shows us what we consider important.
â No Longer Ashamedâ
â No Longer Ashamed FBâ
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