Episodes
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We’re doing the London Podcast festival on September the 7th at Kings Place, Kings Cross! But Al never got round to mentioning it on Chart Music!
So – as a taster for those who have never experienced the thrill of people doing a podcast, but in front of other people – here’s the audio of our first ever gig, as Sarah Bee, David Stubbs and Taylor Parkes join Al Needham in a heroic attempt to squish a typical episode into 90 minutes.
Fortunately, the episode we covered – from the glory days of 1981 – has been truncated due to Spurs and Man City being unable to win the FA Cup the previous Saturday, meaning that it's only 19 minutes long as the replay is on after. Tommy Vance has been parachuted in from the Korean War, and he introduces a melange of late-period Eighventies curios. Thin Lizzy make their last-ever appearance. Sheena Easton's new bloke sounds like a right bell-end. Vaughn Toulouse recreates a porn DVD cover. Kim Carnes avoids a party of American Zoo Wankers. Tenpole Tudor actually play to some over-twelves for a change. And Adam Ant coats down some bloke in a coach for having a shit record collection.
Even though we're on the clock, there's still time for tangents, including a doomed stripping gig at a naval base in Portsmouth, the return of the Rock Expert, songs we lost our virginities to, Lewis Collins firing a shotgun in his own living room, and Basil Brush: Cock Nuisance. TUCK IN, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS...
Get your tickets for Chart Music Live, 7th Sept, 2pm, Kings Place, Kings Cross HERE
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Our mate Neil Kulkarni died in January. This episode is dedicated to him.
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Simon’s Quietus piece on Neil | Sofia’s Gofundme page
Special thanks to Lily Wilde for cover art.
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Episodes manquant?
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The latest episode of the podcast which asks; do we really have to hug? And rub-a-dub?
The Chart Music time sofa descends upon March of 1993, Pop-Crazed Youngsters – the Forgotten Nineties, if you will. A time where the only options available to The Kids were having their heads filled with rubbish by trampy Americans, or being exploited by Ian Beales in Hypercolor t-shirts who can’t play real music and want you to take loads of drugs. Your panel – ligging their way around London, ensconced in an Isleworth love nest and dealing with the misery of Gym Knickers, respectively – look back upon this strange perineum between Rave and Britpop, and have a tentative sniff at it
As for Our Favourite Thursday Evening Pop Treat, it’s currently weathering it’s 27th crisis under the stewardship of Stanley Appell, two years removed from its Year Zero clearout. The good news is he’s been given carte blanche to put on whoever he likes. The bad news is, he’s only a few months away from his 60th birthday, and there’s soon to be a new BBC1 controller in town who – according to rumour – is thinking about letting Janet Street Porter have a go.
Musicwise, it’s a reminder that everything is still up for grabs in the post-Neightnies musicsphere: Right Said Fred get the wind of BBC Star Power at their backs, which can be a bit uncomfortable when you’ve cut the arse out of your trousers. Lenny Kravitz is SuperMuso. After Some Rap, Brett Anderson gets dragged to the front of assembly to explain why he’s let the school down by singing too violently. Then it’s over to Hawaii to drop in on the Lower-Case Canadian, before she gets a shave off Cindy Crawford. Runrig make their TOTP debut, then Rage Against The Machine, fresh from getting Bruno Brookes suspended for a week, kick off the run of blipverts that passes for the Breakers section these days, which also takes in Bryan Ferry, The Jesus Lizard and Dead Madonna. Diana Ross and a Sexy Saxman appear on the set of a school play of Escape From New York, and we end with some sexy Belgian pinball action, all hosted by Mark Franklin, who was probably younger than you at the time, and still is.
Sarah Bee and Simon Price join Al Needham for a rummage under the sewn-on cushion on the Mastermind chair of 1993, veering off on such tangents as being mithered by members of Suede and Elastica at a student disco, why all snack wafers of the Eighties sound like Bryan Ferry LP titles, the Lesbian Elephant, Jonny Sex-Cat and the Accessible Gamesdog, Paintballing with Ride, and Al’s Secret Terror. SWEAR SWEAR, SWEAR-SWEAR SWEAR SWEAR, SWEAR-SWEAR SWEAR SWEAR, SWEAR-SWEAR THERE’S SOME SWEARING.
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Simon Price, Sarah Bee and Al Needham hit the final stretch of this episode of TOTP with the chance to hear 20 seconds of a Xmas Number One, Bryan Ferry going through the motions, some Americans who want to weld you into a chair and Dead Madonna, then Diana Ross gets all excited at the sight of an oiled-up saxman, and we continue our ongoing mission to praise the Belgians. REACH FOR THE SKIES, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS!
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Sarah Bee, Simon Price and Al Needham end up having a massively deep dive on Suede, before being whipped over to Hawaii to watch the Lower-Case Canadian sit on a box for a bit. Oh, and Runrig!
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Simon Price, Sarah Bee and Al Needham begin their slog through an early-Nineties episode of The Pops with an examination of the changes Stanley Appell wrought upon our fave Thursday Evening Pop Treat. Then we’re immediately assailed by the sight of someone grabbing one of Right Said Fred’s arse as they do a bit for Comic Relief, followed by SuperMuso and Some Rap. STICK IT OUT, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS!
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#73 (Pt 1): 4.3.93 – Frank Bald
Sarah Bee, Simon Price and Al Needham gird their loins for a plunge into a TOTP from the early Nineties, but before all that there’s a comprehensive leaf through that week’s NME. a heartrending discussion about the misery of gym knickers and hair loss, and a massive plug for our live show in Birmingham…
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The latest episode of the podcast which asks; so how do you set fire to a trophy?
Like a man in a cage, we find ourselves trapped in the mid-Eighties, imprisoned in a lurid enclosure of neon and rolled sleeves and appalling Number Ones, with Gary Davies – fresh from a birthday party in a garage in Cumbria and looking well Bisto – in the Mr McKay role. Oh, it’s a grim time to be young, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, when the only thing the youth can look forward to is a Giro, a chance to see the frontwoman of All Her Looks in concert and – if you’re really lucky – landing a plum YTS gig, like Paul Jordan has. He’s making his debut tonight, and we try to work out who he actually was.
Musicwise, hmm. Colonel Abrams pops up to deliver a telegram which reads HOUSE IS COMING STOP. Bruce Dickinson paints Paul D’Anno out of history. A pre-codpiece Cameo make their ‘first-ever television debut’ (thanks, Paul). Then the BBC runs an advert for a film made by someone from the Cradle Of Pop, followed by a double-whammy of Our Bands. The best duo in Pop history whose name begins with ‘Rene And’ pitch up and pretend to be Prince. The Top Ten gets fisted by Billy Idol. Red Box asks us if we’ve heard the good news about Jesus. A Success Coat containing Midge Ure receives its sympathy #1, and The Kids (and City Farm) have a sensible jig to Five Star.
Simon Price and Rock Expert David Stubbs join Al Needham for a good snuffle around the crotch of 1985, pausing along the way to shill their new books, followed by frank discussions about sexual awakenings under a massive poster of Pete Burns, the lamentable tale of Stubbs The Sap, the Great Top Valley Pupil Insurrection of 1985, Fetish Sporrans, being stared at by Morrissey at Chippenham Goldiggers, Quincy Punks, a comprehensive breakdown of the Chicken Dance, and a disgraceful run-in midway through the episode. SWEARING.
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Simon Price, Rock Expert David Stubbs and Al Needham hit the final stretch of this episode of TOTP, and pick through the ‘delights’ of the Top Ten. It’s a meaty fist in the air for Billy Idol, King of the Quincy Punks, before being subjected to a cult indoctrination video. We savour Midge Ure’s Sympathy Number One, and then it’s on to the dancefloor for some well-supervised fun with Five Star, before your Mam finds out who’s got Meeeshell in the club…
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Simon Price, Rock Expert David Stubbs and Al Needham plunge ever-onwards into a post-Live Aid episode of The Pops, and it turns out that 1985 is SKILL – well, it is when Cameo are slinking about on TOTP stage. Then we’re reminded of the dark times when John Parr pitches up to do a film advert. But then! It’s a double-barrelled blast of Our Bands, as the Smiths are forced to do a video, and Lol Tolhurst stinks out a wardrobe. And them some bloke starts going about thinking he’s Prince. GO FOR IT, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS!
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Simon Price, Rock Expert David Stubbs and Al Needham set about this episode of TOTP with the usual gleeful abandon, asking themselves; what did Paul Jordan actually do to get nobbed off from Radio 1 in less than a year? And why does Gary Davies look like he’s been thrown into a tub of Bisto? Colonel Abrams gets us housetrained, Iron Maiden have a good widdle in California, and we’re subjected to a break-in…
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Simon Price, Rock Expert David Stubbs and Al Needham prepare for a punishing slog through a post-Live Aid episode of The Pops – but first, a good hard shill of their new books, which are out NOW/SOON. We leaf through that week’s NME, discuss a Norwegian newspaper article from the year 2000, and, y’know, go on a bit about pop music. TUCK IN, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS!
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The latest episode of the podcast which asks; Whoops Scotties, Tasty Tarts Foster Grants or Allied For Carpets For You?
Oh yes – it’s back to the Eighventies we go, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, to a year where everyone was loaded into a cannon and fired into the dress-up box, or so we’re led to believe. One look at Peter Powell – who has turned up looking like he’s booked a week’s holiday on a canalboat through Hoseasons – will remind you it wasn’t quite like that.
It’s a boom time for TOTP, is early ’81: they’re pulling down Crossroads-level ratings week after week and they’ve got the Music TV field entirely to themselves, but – as this episode demonstrates – we’re not in the Yellow Hurll era just yet, and there’s a lot of dead wood to clear out. And, as the bill of fare tonight demonstrates, the Seventies are not done quite yet.
Musicwise, it’s a proper melange of young and old. Sharon Redd tries to be sexually overpowering in front of a grim tableau of gormless youths in visors doing the hand jive. The true icon of 1981 – The Man of Denim – spells out his five-year plan to tackle the social housing crisis in a special filmed broadcast. A punk lad gets dead excited at the sight of someone taking the stage in a PiL t-shirt, only to discover that it’s Dave ‘No, the other one’ Stewart.
The show takes a severe turn towards the elderly when The Who – fresh from their new LP being absolutely coated down in the music papers – followed by Legs & Co ‘neath a giant Scotch egg, and an encore performance of that paint pot on Phil Collins’ keyboard. But then! It’s the fresh, virile sound of Bucks Fizz in their first ever TOTP performance, followed by an actual video that looks like Proper 1981, by Strange The Clock. Duran Duran pop up for a repeat of their TOTP debut, and then, Oh God, it’s Toyah again, followed by Bryan Mirror and his new single, I Remember Johnny Lennon.
Neil Kulkarni and Taylor Parkes join Al Needham in order to throw some bricks and petrol bombs at 1981, pausing along the way to discuss Masonic tombolas, Grange Hill tube station, the career of The Who in egg form, the damage that the American Syd Little wrought upon the charts, and – unfortunately – Breakfast television-related masturbatory shame. SWEARING! AND A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!
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Neil Kulkarni, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham finally stumble upon the real 1981 – Strange The Clock, and the New Street Station Dolls – while Al deals with an industrial dispute over Toyah by locking Neil and Taylor out and getting some robots in. And we finally get to grips with the most malign influence upon the charts of 1981 – the Syd Little of America…
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Neil Kulkarni, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham plough on through this episode from the tail-end of the Eighventies, stopping for a deep, deep, deep dive on the post-Moon Who. Legs & Co say farewell to Pauline by sitting about under a giant Scotch egg, the Paint Pot comes back for an encore, and Bucks Fizz make their debut and do that thing with the Velcro…
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Neil Kulkarni, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham commence their odyssey into the March 19th 1981 episode, and are horrified to discover that the Top Of The Pops Orchestra are still knocking about, and The Kids – who are supposed to be dressed up as nouveaux dandies – are wearing visors and doing the Blockbusters hand-jive. After a visit from Comrade Shaky – the Everlasting Gobstopper of Chart Music – it’s a frigid blast of Dad-Synth. Oh dear…
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Neil Kulkarni, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham prepare the stage for a late-Eighventies episode of The Pops – but first, it’s a flick through that week’s NME, Rod Hull and Emu pay tribute to Rolls-Royce, Neil speaks of his brush with the local Masonic Lodge (and fails to win the Tombola), Al shares not one but two embarrassing stories about teenage lust gone awry, and a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT…
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The latest episode of the podcast which asks; has Rock Expert David Stubbs come from The Sky?
After all the lovely Pop trifle we’ve had in recent episodes, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, it’s time for some necessary roughage, as we take a tentative walk down Nineteen Eighty Six Street once more. And yes, it’s stillone of the most rammel years for 20th Century Pop, but somehow we managed to find one which doesn’t have the whiff of the dog's arse about it.
It’s only four months into ’86, but our Favourite Thursday Evening Pop Treat is having another of its regular crises, this time brought on by the after effects of Michael Grade taking over at BBC1 and pissing about with the scheduling, meaning that ten whole minutes have been lopped off, and the results are not pretty; everything has been crammed in like a Japanese tube train at knocking-off time, videos have been cut off at the knees, there’s a neon set better suited for a Miss Wet T-Shirt competition in Romeo & Juliet’s Doncaster and the chart rundown – the whole point of the show, mark you – has been utterly defiled.
Musicwise, it’s better than it has any right to be. Gary Davies – a man bursting with so much sexual potency in 1986 that the sex workers of Amsterdam are pitching themselves through windows to get at him – has been given the chance to run the show solo for the first time in years, but we don’t see that much of him, because there's no time. Big Country pitch up in Success Coats. Michael Hurll practically rips the wig off Falco’s head and wipes his arse with it. A-Ha continue their spell as the premier teeny band and get creative with a bit of masking tape. Suzanne Vega gets judged by a poster of a German sex-colossus. And then, oh God, it’s the longest examination of a single EVER on Chart Music. Janet Jackson stares her ponce of a boyfriend out. It’s Immaterial look absolutely knackered and wonder why their label didn’t make a video. George Michael drops the weirdest Number One of the decade, and Whitney Houston spoils everything with a huge dollop of mawk.
Sarah Bee and Neil Kulkarni join Al Needham to gingerly pick through the wreckage of 1986, veering off on such tangents as Nick Ross’ Drug Buffet, Neil’s Gin and Vomit Shame, being mistaken for Pete Docherty’s stalker, the best way to tell an interview subject that their new album stinks of unwashed cock, how the Ukraine War would have shagged up TOTP if it was still going, an appreciation of Euro-Ponces, how the BBC thought Bob Monkhouse, Barry Cryer and Nigel Havers could stop youths on dingy estates from taking heroin, and a huge Birmingham Piss Troll update. You know the swearing is going to be intense on this one…
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Neil Kulkarni, Sarah Bee and Al Needham finally claw their way up the final furlong on an episode of TOTP that’s been better than any episode set in 1986 has a right to be. Neil issues a come-and-get-me statement to Janet Jackson, It’s Immaterial look knackered and bemused on the big new set, George Michael delivers the weirdest Number One of the entire decade, and then the real ’86 presents itself as Whitney Houston fills the Harlem Apollo with a concentrated blast of mawk. ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS BE YOURSELF, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS…
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Sarah Bee, Neil Kulkarni and Al Needham plunge deeper into the 17.4.86 episode as we hit the Breakers section. Suzanne Vega slaps it about with assorted extras from Bonfire Of The Vanities, and then we get hit with REAL KIDS ISSUES as Grange Hill become child conscripts in the War On Drugs…
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