Episodes
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Agreement #4: Always Do Your Best
“Under any circumstances, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next.”
The Fourth Agreement is the action of the first three, enabling them to become habits. It is the agreement that asks you to do just enough, but not too much. Perfection is not the goal .. Doing your best means falling down and getting back up.Ruiz says “If you try too hard to do more than your best, you will spend more energy than is needed, and in the end, your best will not be enough. When you overdo, you deplete your body and go against yourself, and it will take you longer to accomplish your goal. But if you do less than your best, you subject yourself to frustrations, self-judgment, guilt, and regrets.”
Surrender to what flows easily. If something feels heavy and overwhelming, it means I’m pushing against the Universe and trying to force it. And when I use force, nothing works.
When you try to get someone to love you, it depletes your energy… and it doesn’t work. When you people-please for acceptance, it robs you of yourself. Forced effort doesn't feel good. On the flip side, have you ever done something where you felt tired afterward, but also invigorated? This kind of effort comes from joy, and it’s never depleting.
Ruiz says, “When you are doing your best just for the pleasure of doing it, you are taking action because you enjoy the action. Action is about living fully.” Lead with your heart without an attachment to the outcome and opportunities will open up.
“If I create from the heart, nearly everything works; if from the head, almost nothing.”
–Marc Chagall
Doing Your Best in Co-Parenting Relationships
While each agreement is simple, executing them consistently is not easy, especially in our coparenting relationships. When you are emotionally triggered, taking something personally, it usually happens on autopilot. The point is not to avoid being triggered (which isn’t really possible), but rather to use those moments as an opportunity to feel your way through the negative beliefs that surface.
Doing MY and DOING YOUR Best
I’ve read “The Four Agreements” several times over the past six months and I get something from it each time. What I do know is whenever I force something or put forth effort that drains me, it doesn’t lead to what I want.
“If you’re doing your best, you will feel good about yourself even if you still make assumptions, still take things personally, and still are not impeccable with your word.”
Answer the below questions in your journal or the
What is something you constantly overdo or put extra effort towards that depletes you? It could be work, making dinner, cleaning, keeping in touch with people, caring for a parent, etc. .What is something you put effort into that you love?Every day from this day forward, write the below in your journal as a reminder of the agreements you have made with yourself:
Today I will do my best to speak my truth and be impeccable with my word.
Today I will do my best not to take things personally, remembering it’s about them, not me.
Today I will do my best not to assume I know what other people are thinking or feeling.
Today I will simply do my best… no more, no less… and it will come from my heart.
“If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it’s just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.”
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Agreement #3: Don’t Make Assumptions
“The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.”
— The Four Agreements, Chapter 4
The Third Agreement is similar to the Second Agreement: Don’t take anything personally. We assume our reality is the same as someone else’s reality, so we fit whatever they do or say into how we view the world. We create stories around our reality. As you all are aware, we cannot read another person’s mind and know what they’re thinking, but there are times we act like we can!Do you ever read into texts, or emails and think you have the other person “figured out”? You believe you know their reason, their intention, or their motivation, but that assumption is based on your reality and your beliefs. Theirs are probably different.
Remember the episode from last week… Your reality is simply that: YOUR reality. Their reality is THEIR reality.
Why do people assume? Here are a few reasons:
Assuming is safer than the truth, assuming allows you to live in a fantasy.Assuming is a big distractor from dealing with your own feelings.Assuming allows you to impose your reality on other people, expecting them to think and act the same way you do.Assumptions/Truth vs. Fantasy
If you don’t ask questions, you can continue on comfortably with the illusion that everything is just fine. It’s safer to assume your partner doesn’t want to commit (whether it’s marriage or otherwise) because he/she is not ready to settle down. You can literally assume the years away, afraid of confronting an inconvenient truth: maybe he/she doesn’t want to commit to you but because we are mirrors for each other, that leads to asking where you’re afraid to commit and why you attracted this person in the first place.
Ruiz writes, “We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”
Assumptions and our Feelings
Assumptions allow you to avoid your own deeper feelings, the ones tied to your negative beliefs around rejection, abandonment, not being good enough, etc. If you assume rather than asking questions, you avoid confronting those beliefs, enabling you to stay within your fantasy.
But is that living fully and authentically? No, because you are operating from a place of fear rather than love. Assumptions keep you stuck in fear.
If your fear of abandonment holds you back from being authentic within your relationship, you never face your fears. Ask yourself, At what cost? How many months/years are you willing to waste, making assumptions about your relationships, only to find out your assumption was wrong?
Assumptions and our Expectations and RealityWhen you assume, you attach your expectations to the outcome, often leading to disappointment. If you’re sad, you assume your partner or coparent can pick up on how you’re feeling and know exactly what to do (i.e. spend time, make dinner, buy chocolate or flowers, etc.). If he/she doesn’t do one of these things (your expectation), you’re hurt. You believe if someone loves you, they should automatically know how you feel and what you need. But remember–their reality is not the same as yours.
Ruiz says: “We assume that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works.” -
Episodes manquant?
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Agreement #2: Don’t Take Anything Personally
“Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about ‘me’.”
— The Four Agreements, Chapter 3
Yes, taking things personally is all about ourselves; our ego. We think the world revolves around us and everything people do is specifically targeted to us.How We Personalize
Ruiz believes that nothing other people say or do is because of us. It is because of themselves. How other people relate to us often depends on their mood, so if we base our self-image on how someone else treats us, we will most likely experience many difficulties. If we take things personally, we will be upset, insecure, and unhappy most of the time.
Personalizing Can and Will Destroy Relationships
This happens in relationships all the time. Let’s say you recently started dating someone who usually texts every day. One day, you get no text, so you automatically think you did something wrong. Did you say something to upset him/her? Did he/she meet someone else? You start to feel insecure and fill yourself with anxiety.
Ruiz explains, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their dream, in their minds; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we assume that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”
Why Do We Personalize
Personalizing keeps your focus outside of yourself, so it’s a great way of avoiding your feelings. It also works really well to confirm your own negative beliefs. You’re not doing any of this consciously; it is all on auto-pilot. The first step is to notice when it happens so you can catch yourself in the moment and shift your perspective.
Personalization Is Not About You
People are going to do and say whatever they want—you can’t control that. But you can control how you respond. According to Ruiz , “Whatever people do, feel, think or say, don’t take it personally… by taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.”
Journal Notes
First, write this down and stick it somewhere you’ll see it every day: Don’t take anything personally.
When someone says something that I take personally, this is what I hear: (examples: I’m not good enough, I’m not lovable, I’ll always be single, )
When these negative beliefs come up, I feel: (examples: lonely, ashamed, belittled, angry, embarrassed, etc)How I would feel if I chose NOT to take things personally: (examples: light, confident, secure, relaxed, at ease, unburdened, happy, etc.)Jot these down in your journal without commentary or judgment. Use simple bullet points, writing down what happened and how you personalized. For example:
I was giving a presentation and someone walked out (what happened) - She hated my presentation and thought I was boring (how you personalized)My wife/husband reorganized the dishwasher again - She doesn’t think I can do anything rightNow, go back through each scenario and list three possible reasons for the action. Using the first example above, you might write:
I was giving a presentation and someone walked out (what happened)
She hated my presentation and thought I was boring (how you personalized) Possible Reason #1 - She had to urgently use the bathroom Possible Reason #2 - She double-booked herself and had to run to another meetingRemember: your perception of reality is based on your beliefs, and theirs is based on their beliefs. Neither is right /wrong, they are just different.
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The First Agreement - Be Impeccable With Your Word
Why is your word so important? Because, according to Ruiz, it is your power to create. “What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are, will all be manifested through the word.”It’s all connected, and what you say matters. This includes what we say to ourselves as well as what we say to others. Our inner voice is often the most destructive because it draws from our negative core beliefs: I’m not good enough, smart enough, worthy of love, deserving of happiness, etc.
So what does it mean to be impeccable with your word? From its Latin roots, it means “without sin,” which Ruiz goes on to explain:
“A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself. Everything you feel or believe or say that goes against yourself is a sin. You go against yourself when you judge or blame yourself for anything. Being without sin is exactly the opposite. Being impeccable is not going against yourself. When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself.”
Going Against The First Agreement
We go against ourselves all the time without realizing it. We say we want one thing, but then we do exactly the opposite. Because our subconscious wants to keep us safe, it will default to what is known and familiar, even if it’s painful and not at all what we want. It’s because we created it with our own thoughts, words, and actions.
When you blame others, you are not impeccable with your word. Angry words directed at someone else (whether they hear them or not), are angry words you use against yourself. They are a reflection of how you feel inside. It comes from a place of believing you are owed by this person rather than looking at where you let yourself down.
My Version Of The First Agreement: Speak Your Truth in Love
Speak your truth, Speak your truth but do it with love. Instead of hiding who you are and how you feel, express it openly and honestly. This can be scary for many of us because we’re afraid of being judged and rejected. If we can get thru the fear and move past the fear we will find the KEY to emotional freedom,, self-acceptance and a living an authentic life is all within the first agreement.
The First Agreement and our Co-Parenting Relationships
Finding ways to encourage, honor and respect the other co-parent, is only part of the way I am impeccable with my words. Work hard on not gossiping about the other co-parent or engaging in negative talk that only hurts and doesn’t help. Whenever I’m emotionally triggered, I am always willing to take responsibility no matter what! No unnecessary drama, blame, or tirades.
Journal
What is something you are hiding, which you may have shame around? What are your fears around expressing it to another person?When was the last time you said you would do something, but didn’t go through with it? Examples might include making plans to get together with someone, sending a thank you note, calling a parent or friend, etc. How did/do you feel by going against what you said you would do? Benefits? Is it a pattern of letting yourself down? Is it an opportunity to punish yourself because that’s something you’re used to?
For the next week, pay attention to your words, both verbal and your internal dialogue. In your journal, jot them down. Write down when you were impeccable with your word and spoke your truth, and when you didn’t.I suggest making two columns: one for times you were impeccable with your word and one for the occasions you didn’t. If you can, write it down in the moment! If you have trouble remembering to check in with yourself, set a reminder once or twice a day.
Again, it’s all connected. Choose your words carefully. They are more powerful than you think.
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THE FOUR AGREEMENTS
By Don Miguel Ruiz
1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the
word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the
power your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a
projection of your own reality, their own dream. When you are
immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the
victim of needless suffering.
3. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and express what you really
want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid
misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just the one
agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be
different when healthy as opposed to sick. Under any
circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid selfjudgment,
self-abuse, and regret. -
1. Take a break/Don’t be afraid to feel it/Write it out - Things have a way of working themselves out and once we lean into “letting go” typically things will work out. If you can write out what you are feeling when the world that's crumbling around you, this excercise will help you refocus and you will have a clearer picture of what's going on. Once you do, you can reassess the situation and figure out the best course of action.
2. Get support - Don't hesitate in asking for help, this means having to put your ego aside. Whether if it's getting some outside therapy, asking advice, having a friend to vent to, or just being around someone who's upbeat. Having a strong and positive support system is one of the best ways to feel positive and happy again. Studies have shown that positivity is contagious. So, make sure that your support system is optimistic and positive because these attributes will lift your spirits. At the same time, your support system needs to also include people who are honest - even if they can be harsh sometime.
3. Attempt something new/declutter - Changing things up or declutter will spark motivation and move you out of your comfort zone. Science has actually proven that when we try something new it triggers certain parts of our brain and releases the motivation chemical dopamine.
4. Make your goals visible/visualize your best day - Make your goals visible so you visually see what you're working toward and figure out how you'll achieve it. Writing down your goals also help you focus, train your brain to be more proactive, and it gives you peace of mind.
5. Focus on small things first -When your world is falling apart it can be easy to find plenty of little things you can fix. For example, if you're not happy with your weight, make small changes in your lifestyle like taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
6. Speak and show positive affirmations - There may be no more of a powerful force than self-talk. If you keep reminding yourself how terrible everything thing is around do, do you really believe that you'll be motivated to do something about it? Regardless of the negativity going on around you, say out loud what you want to happen. Write down a daily affirmation and place it somewhere that you're going to see it, such as your bedroom or bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or computer monitor.7. Take action/Don't mope - find something simple and set a goal, take action and this motion forward energy will create more energy to take action. Don't mope an wallow in your own pity.
8. Take a 20 minute nap - set your alarm and take a reset nap.
9. Be with other humans - The pandemic has changed everything, but if you feel safe to do so, visit a friend or sit in an outside café and be around other people and get out of your head for a little while.
10. Water & Sleep - drink lots of water, use lemon, lime, cucumber slice or orange slices for variety and go to be early.
Things I Avoid When Everything is going wrong.
· Sad music or nostalgic music,
· Social Media - comparison is a joy killer
· Complicated '"family" relationships or Negative People
· Alcohol or Medicating yourself with a depressant.
Some of the best advice I ever received was to stop trying to “fix” things when everything and just surrender to life. Life has a way of working itself out when we learn to let go. Focus on gratitude and breathe.
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1. Body Acceptance and modeling positive body image.
Mothers have a huge impact on their daughters’ body image. Think about how they will mimic our behaviors, Don’t ask, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” or obsess food or appearance. Things to do:
Appreciate all that your body can do. Write down what you love about yourself Beauty is more than skin deep Look at yourself as a whole person Wear clothes that make feel comfortable and work with your body not against.2. Make your daughter media literate
Become a critical viewer of social and media messages. Pay attention to images, slogans, or attitudes that make you feel bad about yourself or your body.we spend more time than ever using media and everywhere we turn there are messages telling us how we should look that can make us feel less confident about our appearance. While we’re probably not going to use less media, we can protect our self-image and body confidence from media’s narrow body ideals that reinforce the appearance ideal.
3. Don’t raise her as a “people pleaser”
Encourage her to stand up for what she what needs and wants. Create opportunities for her to use her voice and to make choices. Ask her what she wants and then let her make a choice and then honor that choice. You as the parent should not be a people pleaser as children learn a lot from the same sex parent.
4. Start sports early
Research shows girls who play on teams have higher self-esteem. Studies have shown that girls that play sports have a much higher self-esteem than girls who do not.
5. Praise her for more than her appearance
Challenge yourself to match every compliment you give about your daughter’s appearance with at least two compliments about something non-appearance based, and do the same for other girls — your daughter’s friends, nieces, etc.”
7. Help her build skills that are independent of appearance
“Get her involved in activities that bring confidence, rather than focusing on looking good and acquiring things. “Sports, theater, music, art. Anything that can help girls express themselves through words or creativity or activity rather than through their appearance .
8. Praise efforts rather than performance
Focus less on the outcome and more on efforts and the development of new skills. Mastery is what builds confidence, and learning to rise above challenges builds resilience.
9. Don’t trash talk other women
Don’t let kids tease each other around food or looks.
10. Dads: Don’t treat your daughter like a damsel in distressFathers should not treat girls as though they are these fragile, helpless, little beings, When dads do this it teach their daughter your role is to look good so a man will sweep in and save you.. Instead, give her the opportunity and the tools—to change her own tire, to use her voice and speak up for herself, to play sports, to be able to brush herself off and get back up.
11. Listen and Pay Attention
Being a good listener means not offering judgments, criticisms or even advice. Simply hear what your child is saying and restate his or her comments to show that you're listening.
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1. Show Compassion to yourself first
Allow yourself to really feel what you are feeling. Be compassionate with yourself just as you would with a friend or your child. Ask for support if you need it.
2. Awareness of the pain of self-pity
Feeling sorry for yourself not only creates pain for you but it creates pain for others too. Not many people want to be around you if you are always down. Instead of seeing that as something else to feel hurt about, become aware of the pain you are creating for yourself.
No one can make you feel anything, only you control the way you feel.
3. NO VICTIM – refuse to be a victim
Victim mentality is typically the cause of self pitying behavior. It’s called the drama cycle and with this cycle we choose to blame someone or something else for the way we feel.
Decide that your relationships are too important and make a stand and refuse to be a victim.
4. Questions that keep you stuck
The question we as victims most often ask themselves is “Why?”
“Why is this happening to me?”
“Why did she do that?”
“Why did he say that to me?”
These are low quality questions and with these questions you will receive low quality answers. For example;
“Because you’re not good enough..”
“Because he doesn’t like you”
“Because she doesn’t truly value your friendship.”
Any question beginning with “Why” will keep you stuck in your current situation feeling like a victim. Decide to NEVER use the word “Why” from your vocabulary and replace it with words like “What”, “How” and “When”.
For example;
“What can I do to get a different outcome?”
“When will I contact her and explain how I feel?”
“How can I change the situation?”
As you change the quality of your questions, you will see empowered you will feel.
5. Perception and your responsibility
If we have consistently see things in a negative way, it’s likely we will continue to do so unless we bring awareness to the table.
Our perception creates our reality and by changing our viewpoint, we are able to change any experience. Take responsibility for the way you are viewing a situation and challenge yourself to see it in a different way.
6. Be courageous
It takes courage to hold up the mirror and look at our part in things, but this is the only way to make real change. This is because we only ever have complete control and influence over ourselves.
Holding up the mirror doesn’t mean beating yourself up for your mistakes. This is just another form of self pity. As you make these changes, you will notice your self-pity decrease and self-empowerment increase.
7. Acknowledging the positive things in your life.
The fastest way to turn this around is to make it a practice to regularly focus on the good. You may have heard this before and that’s because it’s true. Keep a gratitude journal.
8. Noticing others that have it worse.
With all the events and the pandemic happening in our world right now, it’s easy to find examples of others less fortunate. This is comparison used in a positive way.
Instead of feeling wrapped up in your own world, look for ways you can help others.
Contributing to others is one of the fastest ways to start feeling good and taking your attention away from yourself. This is good for you and good for others. And you will notice your self-confidence and empowerment soar.
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Learning to Rely on the "other" Co-Parent”, not an easy thing to do. It is a tough order to depend on the other co-parent especially if there have been trust issues in your past relationship with them.
Vincent de Paul is recorded as having asked: “What do you think is most often the cause of our failings in our resolutions? It’s that we depend too much on ourselves, we put trust in our good desires, we rely on our own strength, and that’s the reason we don’t get any good results from them.”Here are some tips to help you be more accepting of help from others.
Learn to be vulnerable.Explore your beliefs on receiving.Give others an opportunity to give.Pay it forward instead of returning it.Feel the love, be grateful and presentPractice accepting help from everyone, even strangers.1. Allowing yourself to be Vulnerable
To accept help, you have to let go of control and be vulnerable. For some, that may be the hardest hurdle to overcome but it is important in order to let others step in and help.
2. Examine your beliefs on receiving.
If you’re having difficulty others take control, examine some of the reasons this may be. Being vulnerable is not a weakness and neither is asking for help.
· What’s stopping me from accepting help?
· Do you feel that you don’t deserve to receive their compliment or love? Why do you feel that way?
3. Give others an opportunity to give.
Receiving is not only about you. It’s also about the giver. Imagine a well-intention, loving person giving you something and you reject their gifts. How would that make them feel? Unappreciated? Awkward? Embarrassed? Open yourself up and let others help and give you this most precious gift.
4. Pay it forward instead of returning it.
Sometimes when people aren’t comfortable with receiving, they would return the love, the compliment, or the gifts in another form immediately. For example, when someone gives them a gift, they feel obliged to find something to give back.
When it’s your time to receive, it’s important for you to embrace the moment. Don’t be in a hurry to give back to the other person. You are just deflecting their love back to them. It’s like: “I can’t receive your love. Here have it back.” Then what you give them, would not be authentic.
5. Feel the love, live in the moment and show gratitude.
To receive is such a beautiful experience. Start a journal of gratitude to write down how thankful you are to have someone in your life that cares for you and gives you support when you most need it. Unfortunately many in this world aren’t as fortunate.
6. Practice accepting help everywhere.
You don’t have to wait for someone to give you help to practice receiving. Whenever you need help, just ask for it. Don’t worry about being rejected. Give others an opportunity to help you. If they aren’t the one, move on to the next.
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We can sum this up in one word: easy. Co-parenting is not easy.
Parenting is already no cakewalk, and when you add in the stress of a raising a child together after a divorce or separation, it’s a situation that can be filled with tension and disagreements.Good communication is the key to a positive co-parenting experience. Putting the sole focus on your children rather than on yourself or your ex is the first step toward ensuring success. Co-parenting is not easy, but it’s worth the extra effort for the health and well-being of your children. Here are some other things that co-parenting is not:
Co-parenting is not about you.Nor is it about the other parent. Nor is it about why the relationship didn’t work out or whose fault it was. Co-parenting is about two people coming together to provide the warmth and attention for their children. Agree with your ex that disparaging one another in front of the kids or allowing the kids to speak disrespectfully about either parent is strictly forbidden. Never, ever force your children to choose sides when there is a disagreement.
Co-parenting is not unstableWork with your ex on a detailed plan for raising your kids that focuses on consistent rules, bedtimes, curfews, screen time, disciplinary practices, and expectations for performance at school, work, and in extracurricular activities. The more consistent the routine between homes the better. .
Co-parenting is not a competition.This is not your time to shine as the fun parent, nor as the best friend. It can be easy for guilt to get the better of you — and for your children to play on your emotions — causing you to overindulge their material wants or allow them to wiggle out of responsibilities like chores or schoolwork. It may feel good in the short term, but in the long run, it isn’t helping you or your children.
Co-parenting is not even-steven.What is best for your child may not always equate to a 50-50 split between parents. If one parent travels frequently, it might make more sense for the children to spend more time with the other parent. If your ex has always taken the kids to their sports practices, don’t nix it just because it is your weekend. Talk to your children. Consider their feelings and remember, this is not about you.
Co-parenting is not always comfortable.
A divorce or separation is a highly emotional and sensitive situation for everyone involved. There are bound to be hurt feelings, feeling of anger or even hostility toward your ex. Work out these feelings with a counselor or other professional, not during your dealings with your ex in matters related to the children.
Adopt a business-like tone in your communication. Make sure you communicate frequently and document all decisions you make together about the children. Share information related to the children. Is there a doctor’s appointment coming up? Don’t hoard information thinking it will make you the hero. It won’t. A superhero is identified by his or her superhuman powers, and in this case, it is going to be your power to stay in control of your emotions for the sake of your children and make decisions from a place of empathy, peace, and love.
Parents who are separated or divorced or were never together in the first place must communicate with each other regarding their children. Good communication is key to a positive co-parenting environment.
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Handling Summertime Squabbles
Establish a We (versus a Me) mentality. Build a team family mentality. You can have a family cheer and/or a special handshake. You don’t have to go that route, but do look for ways to build your own united front that supports and stands up for one another. Depending on their age, have your children create projects and goals they want to accomplish together: for example, they might hold a mini-garage sale or lemonade stand with proceeds to buy a new Lego set they both want.Create a sibling treasure jar. Put money or candy in the jar when you see either of them doing something nice for the other one or making a good choice not to tease back. Once the jar is filled, they can choose what they’d like to do together: go to an aquarium, the movies, or a family fun center, for example.Celebrate their relationship. Let them make or buy gifts for each other for birthdays and holidays. Encourage times where they just go do an activity together (without friends). Declare “Sibling Sundays,” when they get to watch a movie and eat popcorn together. Keep them on the same team when playing board games against parents.Arrange time for them to be apart from one another. Each child needs quality time alone with each parent. Have an outing together, go on a dinner date, arrange for separate play dates, and let each child go visit Grandma without the other sibling.Treat and love each child fairly and uniquely, not equally. We all have different needs. Different children require different kinds of attention at different times.Have community property and individual property. Generally speaking, most items should be community property—balls, puzzles, books, and games for example. Individual property is for “special” items. Perhaps it was a birthday gift or something they saved up for. Those items should be put somewhere special, with the rule that permission needs to be granted before they are used by the other sibling.
Build Team FamilyNeutral Language
7. Minimize comparisons. Whether comparisons are positive or negative, they have the same unintended effect on your children. Instead of: You can ride your bicycle without training wheels now, not like your sister who still rides her tricycle, try self-esteem-building statements like You look very proud of yourself that you’ve learned how to ride your bicylce without training wheels.
Mediator
8. Treat each child the same. Instead of trying to figure out who was the instigator (we don’t really know what happened), you can say something like, “Kids, do you need to go to take a break for a while or do you want to work on a solution now?”
Don’t play favorites. The child you are having trouble appreciating in the heat of the moment is exactly the child who also needs your love and attention. Be sensitive to this.It’s really not possible to eliminate all conflict. But it is possible to increase the bonds, trust, and warmth in your home. It’s also important to take time to teach our young children the conflict-resolution tools they can use with loved ones, friends, and coworkers in the future. What a child doesn’t receive or have, after all, he can seldom later give.
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How to Deal With Co-Parenting Issues
The Other Parent Dislikes You
It can be uncomfortable working with someone who doesn't like you, for the sake of your child, you and your partner in parenting must put your differences aside. Really work on not discussing the situations in front of the children and focus only on your child. Resist getting into disagreements and be firm and follow through with your requests.You Never Agree With Each Other
Most people who plan to have a child together do so because they have common values, beliefs, and interests. If you and your co-parent have been bumping heads on important decisions concerning your child, you may want to try these things to resolve the issue:
· Learn to compromise so you get what you want sometimes, and she gets what she wants other times.
· Set up a cooperative agreement by using a mediator, if needed.
· If possible, don't make decisions on the spot. In addition, if one parent won't agree and the other won't compromise, decide not to do it.
· If you can't agree on a situation that needs to be decided on, think only about the interest and well-being of the child. Disagreements between non-romantic parents are often the result of differences between the adults; the actual decision should be made with the child's best interests in mind.
Your Child Says Co-Parent Is Talking Badly About You
When children hear one parent talk badly about the other, they become worried and sad. These are negative feelings a child should not have, so it's best to stop the bad-mouthing immediately.
They Break Agreements Often
If you have a co-parenting plan or rules set in place for when your child is with his other parent and that parent doesn't follow them, the situation needs to be addressed.
They Neglect the ChildIf your parenting partner hasn't been around to see your child or has decided to stop being a parent, you can't force him to interact with your child. Instead, you need to meet with him to discuss what he would like his role to be as a joint parent.
They Ignore Your Calls and Texts
If your kids are young, your only line of communication with them is through their other parent during visits. If the kids have their own phones, it may be easier to keep in touch when they're not with you.
· Talk to your ex to determine their motivation and be honest with yourself about whether your calls and texts are too much.
· Respect the other person's time as you'd have them respect yours.
· Create a communication agreement with boundaries
· Give kids the chance to dictate how much communication
Social Media Sharing
When you're both using social media to share information about your lives, it can create jealousy or raise questions about parenting skills and practices.
Help for Common Co-Parenting Problems
In most cases, discussing the situation with the co-parent is the best route. In stressful or difficult situations, you may want to consider seeking the professional help of a counselor or mediator. Whether the two of you work things out on your own or with the help of a professional, having an open mind and being flexible will yield the best results when problem solving.
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1. Reassure, Legitimize and Validate your childrens feelings
“No matter their ages, explain (to your children) why you’re dating and that no one will ever replace the other parent,” says Dr. Terri Orbuch, professor at Oakland University, author and family therapist. “Tell them they are your first priority and you’ll always be there for them, no matter who you’re dating.” If kids are resistant or negative, don’t get defensive. Acknowledge feelings, and give extra hugs.
2. No revolving doors of men/women
In my 20's & 30's, I did not do such a great job of not introducing my oldest daughter to various men I was dating but I wished I had. It is best to wait until you have established a long time relationship with someone new before introducing your kids to him/her.
Surprisingly, younger kids are “more resilient,” says Dr. Orbuch. For stability and trust, don’t march a bunch of dates before your kids – and if you do, understand that tweens, teens and adolescents are likely to take break-ups harder than little ones.3. Understand that every kid is different
All children are different when it comes to meeting someone new and considering a childs temperament and developmental age are very important when introducing them to someone new. You should try and always us the concept of friends.
4. Keep it Fun & NeutralFirst, second, even third meetings of a “significant other” and your respective kids should occur in neutral, fun locations – Water Parks, Chuck E. Cheese, parks, Putt-putt golf or movies, any place that doesn't add pressure.
5. Reassess having a romantic sleepover
Depending on the age of the children you may want to really think about having a romantic sleepover.
Especially with teens, while they hear what you say, they are more likely to do what you do, says Dr. Orbuch. Both agree that the significant-other-sleepover is a values call – and both hesitate to give the green light from a clinical perspective before there’s a ring on your finger.
“Adolescents are watching and they’re going to model you. Kids do what parents do,” Dr. Orbuch says. Reserve sleepovers for nights when the kids stay with the other parent.
6. Discuss with your co-parent before introducing new "friend"
7. No step-discipline, please“In our houses, parents take the main role; steps (don’t) execute punishments,” says Buscemi, the Rochester Hills author of I Do, Part Two: How to Survive Divorce, Co-Parent Your Kids and Blend Your Families Without Losing Your Mind.
8. Encourage the other parent relationship
“Whether the divorce was good or bad, whether there’s still feelings of resentment or bitterness, be kind to each other,” says Buscemi. “Don’t throw a new love in your ex’s face. Keep respect for your kid in mind. Research shows that “it’s the exception that parents remarry,” says Dr. Orbuch. “The most difficult thing for kids to understand is they don’t have control over their parents’ relationship.”
9. Remarriage is a good thing
It’s another adult in the house, another person to love your children, an example of a healthy loving relationship. “If you’re happy and balanced, you’re going to be a better role model,” says Dr. Orbuch.
Even when it comes to the wedding, let kids have a voice. Choosing desserts or clothing or the order in which they’ll walk down the aisle (by age!) allows kids to take ownership of this new marriage and feel like they have a place in it.
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Choosing to Forgive your Ex
The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu. Archbishop Desmond Tutu writes:
"Without forgiveness, we remain tethered to the person who harmed us. We are bound with chains of bitterness, tied together, trapped. Until we can forgive the person who harmed us, that person will hold the keys to our happiness; that person will be our jailor. When we forgive the person who harmed us, we take back control of our own fate and our feelings. We become our own liberators. We don’t forgive to help the other person. We don’t forgive for others. We forgive for ourselves. Forgiveness, in other words, is the best form of self-interest. This is true both spiritually and scientifically."
Tutu says, “To forgive is also to release yourself from whatever trauma and hardship you have experienced and reclaim your life as your own.”
Eight Keys to Forgiveness (by Robert Enright)
This essay has been adapted from 8 Keys to Forgiveness (W. W. Norton & Company, 2015)Below is an outline of the basic steps involved in following a path of forgiveness, adapted from 8 Keys to Forgiveness.
1. Know what forgiveness is and why it matters
Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t “deserve” it. Forgiveness is a process with many steps.2. Become “forgivingly fit”
To practice forgiveness, it helps if you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning to be what I call “forgivingly fit.”3. Address your inner pain
It’s important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you.
4. Develop a forgiving mind through empathy
Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone , they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy.5. Find meaning in your suffering
When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself.6. When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths
Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry.7. Forgive yourself
Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness Soften your heart toward yourself.8. Develop a forgiving heart
When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. If you shed bitterness and put love in its place, and then repeat this with many, many other people, you become freed to love more widely and deeply. -
Creating Healthy Boundaries in Co-Parenting
What are boundaries?
Intellectual: Having respect for one another's thoughts and ideas.Emotional: Having respect for one another's feelings.Sexual: Having respect for the limitations and desires between sexual partners.Material: Having respect for one another's material possessions.Time: Having respect for one another's use of time
A quick summary of the boundaries described by Therapist Aid:How you determine your boundaries?
A detailed parenting plan Keep your communications only on the children Avoid posting issues on social mediaDon't put your children in the middle
When you feel disrespected, offended, or just plain uncomfortable with the other person's actions, it may be because they have crossed a boundary for you. No one can understand your boundaries unless you communicate them.Treat it like a business (boss). It helps many co-parents to think of the endeavor, like a business relationship.
Never discussing any co-parenting issues during pick-up and drop-off times.Let your co-parent know about school functions, extracurricular activities, and special events that involve your children.It is okay to have separate activities with your kids–different birthday parties or celebrations of holidays are fine and can help minimize potentially tense situations.
Other boundaries co-parents, like Michelle from Confessions of Parenting, find helpful for maintaining a successful co-parenting relationship include:Do I have the right to know what my child is doing while they are visiting their other parent? The reality is that your ex or co-parent isn’t required to tell you anything about what he or she and the children do unless the court order or visitation agreement specifically requires it.
Set Reasonable Co-Parenting Rules
First, try communicating with your ex about your concerns. You can’t always believe everything your children tell you. Send email/text (not in person, if things are too emotional)Setting Boundaries with a High Conflict Co-Parent
Ending a relationship with a partner who is prone to conflict can be challenging on many levels. If you have children, one of the most significant difficulties will be figuring out how to build a working relationship as co-parents.
Commit to the Parenting Plan
In a high conflict co-parenting situation, agreeing on a parenting plan will take a good deal of effort.
Consider Parallel Parenting
When your co-parent isn't willing to cooperate, and communication is difficult, parallel parenting may be an excellent approach to take. Parallel parenting is co-parenting but with added boundaries. One of these boundaries will be to disconnect from your co-parent on a certain level by not communicating directly with each other. In parallel parenting, you may find that you implement a rather specific parenting plan.Tools for Parallel Parenting Communication
Keep Your Personal Life Private
You must set some emotional boundaries to protect yourself from getting hurt. One way to keep your emotions in check when it comes to your co-parent is to keep your personal life to yourself.
Watch Out For Pitfalls
As you do what you can to set boundaries between your co-parent and your personal life, you should also do the same when it comes to the other parent and their life.
Talk to Someone
Getting through a divorce or separation with a high conflict partner isn't something you can easily do on your own. -
Parenting Your Adult Children
Your diaper-changing, school hustle & bustle and soccer driving days are over. Whether you feel relieved or conflicted about this change, it’s time to embrace your adult child’s independence and enjoy a new phase of parenthood; there are different ways for parenting adult children. Here are some ways to grow a healthy relationship with your adult children.
1. Respect your differences.
2. Share your insight and wisdom (no critizcing).
3. Set and keep boundaries with adult children.
4. Do things you love together.
5. Make room for their significant others.
6. Be more of a consultant, not a Manager
7. Allow space for your children to talk with you, be a sounding board.
8. Hold family meetings or "get togethers"
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In our ever changing lives, it is important that we practice grateful living. What does it mean to practice grateful living? Grateful living is active. It asks us to step into our lives and participate and to cultivate all the possibilities that live on the other side of our busyness. Sunday morning I woke up with feelings of gratitude. Which leads me to my subject for this week and what does it mean to practice grateful living.
Step one – Stop – by stopping and listening you cultivate a presence of being aware
Step Two – Look – Look for ways to be grateful
Step Three – Go – Going for what is possible
STEP ONE – Stop – by stopping and listening you cultivate a presence of being aware.Being Present opens us to vulnerability and with vulnerability comes messiness but magical, tumultuous, yet tender, and a serious sacredness to us. Being present allows our eyes and hearts to be open to life. Being fully present can make life’s experiences of belonging as well as isolation, beauty and heartbreak, it will usher us into an awareness of the preciousness of life and will lay a foundation for our capacity of gratefulness.
STEP TWO - Look - Look for ways to be grateful
Having perspective allows us to be fully present in our experience and lets us see something from a “birds eye” view. In having perspective we can have the direct experience and also be gaining insight about that experience as the exact same time. This is called “perspective-taking” which allows us to experience compassion, empathy and deep consideration for ourselves and others. This is a key building block for connection, intimatcy and grateful living.
An important reason to practice cultivating perspective is that it can help wake us up and keep us awake to the gifts in our lives without needing an actual "wake up call” experience. “It was a wake-up-call” happenings are often those wherein we lose – or almost lose something we deeply treasure but can take for granted: health, home, money, job, family, friends etc. We also know it best not to need them in order to be/stay awake to what we truly love. Better to remember to appreciate it all now.
Grateful living practice means practicing gratitude even when, redirecting our thoughts in when life experiences hit us. We can ask ourselves, what perspective would help me feel grateful now? Or What perspective will help me open a sense of opportunity for me?
STEP THREE – Go- going for what is possibleWhen we are present to life – with perspective – and aware of the opportunities around us, then we are called to act. Then it is time to go. Time to generate a new or renewed experience. Time to cultivate possibility. Time to make a change.
With perspective and possibility, our experiences of "not enough" can shift to "more than enough", and we realize that we do not need more, different, or better in order to lead our lives fully, gratefully, and generously. This shift makes more of life available to us. We become more aware of the vast resources and possibilities life is offering us in every moment. Seeing what is possible allows us to create and act in ways that reinforce having a world for which we, and others, can feel truly grateful. The magic is in the fact that the more that we act with intention, showing gratitude, the more grateful we all can become.
https://gratefulness.org/resource/grateful-living-gratitude-practice-ideas/ -
In this weeks episode we talk about the START method that the organization We Start Now has provided on their website www.westartnow.org and on their instagram @we.start.now. Below is their "Rules of Thumb" method and START method that have helped hundreds of families navigate social media standards and norms.
S - START WITH YOURSELFModel healthy tech use for your kids. When studies show the average person checks a smartphone 80 times per day, we need to think about what we are modeling for our kids. Of course, we will never be perfect...but an honest look at our own digital habits is a great first step toward building empathy, trust, and digital health as a family .
T - TURN IN ZONES
Create device free rhythms and spaces. Establish device-free zones throughout your daily routine—a time to recharge and reconnect with one another. A great place to start is mealtimes and bedtimes—keep phones out of sight when you are eating and have kids charge their devices outside of their bedrooms at night. The benefits are powerful, and can create lifelong habits that foster your child’s mental health and digital well-being.
A - ACCOUNTABILITY
Apply filters + settings + openness. While there is no filtering or parental control product that is 100% foolproof, our kids deserve the highest level filters we can provide. These are only safety nets; the first line of defense should be open relationships with trusted adults who can help children navigate the dangers they run into online. Accidents are bound to happen, and when they do, adults should be prepared to remain calm so kids know we are safe harbor.
R - RIDE. PRACTICE. DRIVE.
Use a driver’s ed approach to tech training. Before you hand your kids the keys to a car, you prepare them to navigate risky situations and road hazards. They spend many years shadowing you in the backseat, followed by driving with a learner’s permit—with you logging hours by their side to equip them with the needed skills. Just like a car, tech comes with great responsibility—and requires an intentional training process.
T - TIME WELL SPENT
Connect online & offline. Keep your eye on what matters most—the life right in front of you. Be intentional about deepening connections with people in your family and community—both online and offline. Show your kids how to be captivated by life—not screens. Teach them to ask this simple question: at the end of my life, what will I say was time well spent?
RESOURCES
They have a Social Media Playbook which is can be a starter for families struggling keep social media in the proper place with their children.Westartnow.org
2020 Annual Report on Children’s Digital Habits
https://qweb.cdn.prismic.io/qweb/e59c2e0f-ef4f-4598-b330-10c430e2ec71_Qustodio+2020+Annual+Report+on+Children%27s+Digital+Habits.pdf
The complete guide to Chromebook parental controls
https://protectyoungeyes.com/devices/chromebook-parental-controls/
Video Game Decision Tree
https://www.westartnow.org/videogames
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1). Share vacation plans as soon as possible – don’t wait until the last minute to discuss with your co-parent what your plans are for the summer. Summers aren’t always predictable especially if you have multiple kids and birthdays, sports schedules, reunions etc. These various schedules will require both parents participating. It is so important for us to work together and having conversations in advance or even setting up a dinner/lunch or coffee time to specifically discuss summer plans is so important to having a great summer.
2). Get your childrens input for their summer plans – children do better when they have a routine and structure. Make sure their needs and interested are being considered during vacation planning stages. If they are old enough, talk with them about they want to spend their time. You may find out the kids want to stay in town and play soccer instead of going out of town on vacation. Giving children a voice about what they do will relieve pressure of one parent having to explain to the other parent why their child does not want to do certain things this year on summer break. It is also important to make sure that the kids have time to be kids. Don’t have everything scheduled so much that there isn’t time for a KID to be just BE.
3). Have communication options available while you are out of town – If you are planning an out of town vacation this summer and your children will be away from their parent, it doesn’t mean that your child shouldn’t be able to speak to their other parent. Additionally don’t take it personal if your child misses the other parent. It is natural for your child to miss the other parent, so you shouldn’t feel hurt if they miss the other parent. Your understanding way can help ease the worries by planning fun activities but also planning plenty of time to talk to or FT the other parent.
4). Avoid “being in competition with the other co-parent – do not try and one-up your co-parent with who has the better vacation. This will only create angry and resentment between you and your co-parent and could create guilt with the child. Ultimately children just want to spend time with their parents and don’t really care about a fancy vacation. The best summer memories are not created by money or material objects but by quality time.
5). Be Flexible – Support your child’s relationship with the other co-parent. If you are traveling out of town, make sure the other co-parent has all contact and travel information. Make sure if you child is going away with the other co-parent, that they have doc info, sign any travel docs needed etc. If your co-parent doesn’t see your children regularly, make sure they know your children(s) capabilities regarding hiking, swimming, allergies etc. You ultimately want them to have a safe, happy and successful time together.
6). Make other plans/relax - for all my single moms you may not be able to afford a nice vacation, plan a trip to the zoo, art class, dance class, a day trip exploring local parks, a day for a water park, local public pool. Take a surprise day off work to plan a picnic. Create memories and don’t feel guilt about what you can do for your children. Relax and stop pressuring yourself to creat the perfect summer for your child. You are a parent, so plan a picnic outside, ice cream cones and fun running thru a sprinkler.
7). Think of yourself – If you are going to have long periods this summer without the children, plan some adult fun while your child is away. Explore new places, read some books, meet people and expand your own interest. Remember that your co-parent loves the children just like you do and will act in their best interest.
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With the upcoming mothers day and birth mother day, I was thinking of how complex motherhood can be and how for me personally my relationship with my mother is/was so complicated. It is no surprise that many of us have a complicated range of feelings – gratitude, sadness, grief, joy and anger.
As a mother you are either blamed, glamorized or judged critically by your children, family members or the outside world. This judgment leaves little room for the true complexity of our mother as well as ourselves as mothers.
The complexity of the mother/child relationship leaves many of us feeling shame or guilt for not meeting the ideals of mothers and motherhood.
Especially during this year we see all the social media and TV’s media messages regarding the perfect version of Mothers Day. The images show mothers and children and especially daughters as best friends, being close and celebrating togetherness. For many of us, this is not what we experience or did experience with our own mothers. These images can bring up a lot of feelings as we see the differences between what is portrayed on social media etc and what we have experienced or did experience in our childhood. It seems as though the cultural message is that “if you don’t have this type of relationship with your mother, there is something wrong with you”.
Mother is a verb, as stated by Gloria Steinem, "but when mother is a verb—as in to mother, to be mothered—then the best of human possibilities come into our imaginations.To mother is to care about the welfare of another person as much as one’s own.
To mother depends on empathy and thoughtfulness, noticing and caring.
To mother is the only paradigm in which the strong and the weak are perfectly matched in mutual interest.
Besides, one may be forced to be a mother, but one cannot be forced to mother"
To mother helps you change your internal definition of mother so that you stop looking for a perfect mother and so you will be begin to identify your mother as anyone who offers care.
You are mothering and being mothered if you are offered acceptance, sustenance, direction or instruction, and empowering. There is no perfect way but if you can provide these things than you are the essence of a mother.
- Montre plus
