Episodes
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As its the scary season we thought we would bring you a terrifying moment from our childhoods in the shape of the 1992 absolute masterpiece Ghostwatch with Parkie and Lister and Greeny and the other bloke.
Broadcast as a live ghost hunt on actual Halloween night, this is tale of duplicity, horror and wanking in the high backed chair at a reasonably price hotel chain.
Happy Halloween yeah
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Welcome stranger!
This week as part of our "people with stuff on their head failing basic tasks" series we bring you a classic episode of the fondly remembered and rightly so kids show Knightmare. A simple premise of youths guiding their behelmeted friend through a sort of non union D&D dungeon to win a prize or most likely die by falling off a ledge.
Its honestly brilliant.
You can hear all about Barry The Brave, confusing cubes, HobGoblin facts! and the only protestant march in the seven kingdoms!
All of this is on youtube and we cannot recommend it enough.
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Episodes manquant?
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Shut up Cyber Phil!
This week we take you back to 1993 then Virtual Reality was the future and you could legitimately make a gameshow based on that alone. We are of course talking about Cyberzone the short lived but fondly remembered Craig Charles technology based "Adventure" game where the rules don't matter and the points matter even less.
You will hear all about fringed jackets, pointless Wii games, correct helicopter uses and the worst prize we have ever seen.
The episode we reviewed is up on youtube if you want to watch beforehand but honestly, its better if you dont.
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This week we take you all the way back to 2003 with an episode of the fantastic and weirdly forgotten Time Commanders. Its sort of a bit like Risk but with way more shouting and abject failure.
You will hear all about Milton Keynes infrastructure, polo shirt envy, dead 50s rock stars, being unable to see the wood for the trees, Archers, The Archers and Jeffery Archer and some actual historical knowledge from James.
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Still ploughing our way through the reality TV world and this week its a "fan" request, as we take you through a classic week of the daytime B&B squabble fest Four in a Bed. Imagine Come Dine with Me but its people that own weird hotels and want to be YOUR friend.
You'll hear all about egg contraptions, the worst game to play with strangers, the cost of 1 fly, creepy ringmasters and how much technology is too much technology?
If you have any suggestions for shows you want us to cover let us know by all the usual methods. Or just yell them at us in the street like everyone else does yeah?
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Continuing on with our reality TV theme were doing for some reason we bring you this week Season 43 Episode 8 of the long running cookery bastard show Come Dine with me where 5 random people have to host consecutive dinner parties in the hope of winning a grand. A simple enough premise but its always an entertaining watch due to the misguided dreams of the contestents.
This episode is all about Claire who serves everything on a plank, has only a wok to cook in and makes possibly the worst chips we have ever seen.
There are clips of the show on YouTube and it is on the 4 app if you live in the UK.
Prawns
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Something a little different as a temporary filler until we are all back together as we take you through a classic episode of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA as its something Joe and Mark love greatly and its something we have wanted to try for a bit now.
You'll hear all about floor food, Marks virginity and the best off brand Ghostbusters theme you never heard.
The whole episode is available on here https://youtu.be/pHchw-J91qE?si=6CPmyBycfIGG1JZK
and if this is something that you like we can do more of them. We probably will anyways
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James & Joe are back after a prolonged Genie related incident to take you through a proper Hallmark for the first time in a long time, the 2024 classic Paging Mr Darcy.
The story of a dull woman, a dull man and the most annoying sister in the world. You'll hear all about catering biffers, James experimental one man show and the formation of Mansfield Chunk
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This week we are joined by the fantastically talented Mr Pat Veil to go through the 2008 classic Punisher: Warzone or The Most Violent Marvel Film to Date as it should be known.
You will hear all about bullet sprinklers, Dennis Nedry facts, tales of Pats dashed boyhood dreams and Plantys one impression he can do.
Its a little more relaxed in the edit this week simply because talking to Pat is lovely experience and he definitely classes up the joint.
Go follow his social media but most importantly listen to his music, he's really really good.
https://linktr.ee/patveil
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Joe has been abandoned but thankfully the lovely Jay has stepped in to take him through another Hulk Hogan film, this time the 2009 classic Little Hercules in 3D although it wasn't in 3D. Starring Terrible Terry, The Big Show Tall Paul and the little buff boy you all remember from them memes a few years back. Its a simple tale of Hercules, Socrates and somehow Draculas wife going to Burbank to win a decathlon or something.
You will hear all about toilet phones, the worst teacher yet, hoarding children and the best special effect we have ever seen.
You can find Jay over on The Untitled Wrestling Podcast or if you don't like wrestling he also does One Nation Under Ted: A Ted Lasso Podcast that is.... well you can work it out i'm sure.
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Planty is back and we go all moody as we take you through the 2006 sort of goth classic The Covenant starring a load of high cheekboned lads of indeterminate faces in a film that's a bit like The Craft if you remove everything that is good and replace it with old tiramisu.
You'll find out about imaginary spiders, the coolest mum in the world, CROTCH ROCKETS, the best chores for a growing boy and if the mayor finally got the upgrade.
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As people are away on holiday, getting married or have been drafted into the French Foreign Legion we decided to do a little mini series of peoples favourite bad movies and what better way to kick off then with the daddy of them all, Jean-Claude Van Dammes video game masterpiece Streetfighter.
Were joined by the John from Dammit Vacant and the lovely Ethan Edwards as we find out how much JCVD got paid, the dangers of actual knives, evil Youtube, correct stealth visor usage, the Bison Price Index and what happened to Kylie in her 3 lost days!
THIS CONCLAVE IS OVER!
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Welcome to a very very special episode of Hallmark of Greatness where we celebrate the upcoming wedding of James and Katie by watching the 2017 Masterpeice "Cronus" live and in my front room. The audio may be bad but the joy is real as we take you through the story of a man who loses his mind or does he?
Joined by terrible audio guy Brother James we take you through the delights of white vinegar, abandoned airfields and the delights of GRANERY BAPS.
If for some reason you want to watch along heres a link. you maniac
https://youtu.be/bDnx2cBrSq4?si=alNC6Xz4kgfs6ouw
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We got confused over the bank holiday weekend but we are back bringing you a slice of fried 80's gold with Star Slammer. The story of a woman sent to a spaceship prison for putting a mans hand in jam after he exploded a wizard and pinned it on her. There is all the usual nonsense you have come to expect as well as Non-Union Sandpeople, the worst canteen in the world, crotch truncheons ahoy and an ending nobody really understood.
Get it in thine ears
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Come join us in our St Patricks day special as we lead you by the hand through 2024s Irish Wish starring The Lohan and Jane Seymour.
The simple tale of an unrequited love, a lakeside menace and one cool knee to the groin.
We are joined by Monorants again who tell us everything we need to know about Irish fast travel , the saints that made us and mono pooing near a cliff.
Sláinte
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Its another sequel but its not intentional, the follow up to Bronx Warrior leads us down a filthy path of bad genocides, really familiar actors and obscene motorbike abuse.
Come listen to the tail of Trash, that Joey Ramone looking guy as he fights the man, himself, his parents and several planks of wood.
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Back on the sweet sweet Hallmark trail, this week we bring you the 2020 classic Nature of Love, the simple tale of a daft lass and rugged man. Plus so many Simpsons jokes its not even cool anymore.
You will hear all about Kiss Chase the Camp Butler, A.I. bear attacks, horrible big salads, Welsh rapping and Mr Stevens the lake pike.
This weeks synopsis machine is sponsored by Cheese.
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We got a twofer in this episode with our first ever sequel and first ever returning guests, the lovely folks from Monorants as we take you through the Kevin Sorbo vehicle Tales of the Ancient Kingdom which is a sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer.
You will find out about overuse of flashbacks, cardboard cities, forbidden sexual practices, cloak pass the parcel, christmas decorations and rug based pratfalls.
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The gangs all back together for our first Hallmark film of the year, the 2015 classic "Hello, It's Me".
The simple story of a woman who's husband is lost at sea and still gets great cellphone reception. Also features annoying kids, the worst superhero ever and that fella that looks like a melted Steth Mcfarlane.
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As a little break before we plough back into the fetid quagmire of our usual subject matter, we decided as per the tradition to have a small break and play James' Quiz of the Year which relies on us being able to remember things about the films we have reviewed this year.
It goes about as well as you would expect really (that is, James tries his best and everyone else just mucks about like daft kids)
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