Episodes
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In this episode of "How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man," The Matts dive into the essential topic of building a supportive and healthy community. Join us as we explore the steps to finding and creating a network of friends and allies who uplift and inspire you. We discuss why having a strong, supportive community is crucial for personal growth, mental health, and maintaining healthy relationships.
Discover practical tips on where to meet like-minded individuals, how to nurture meaningful connections, and the importance of mutual support in thriving as your authentic self. Whether you’re looking to expand your social circle or strengthen existing bonds, this episode will provide valuable insights to help you create the community you deserve.
Tune in to learn how a supportive community can enhance your journey to find (& keep) a gay man.
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In this enlightening episode, The Matts delve into the research of Dr. Roger K. Allen, PhD, to explore four toxic relationship patterns commonly observed in gay male relationships. Dr. Allen, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, has dedicated his career to understanding the dynamics that can both strengthen and undermine romantic partnerships.
We will discuss:
1. escalation
2. invalidation
3. pursuing/withdrawing
4. negative interpretations
...while unpacking the harmful effects of these unhealthy and destructive patterns. We’ll provide practical tips and actionable advice based on Dr. Allen's research and our own, helping listeners identify and address these toxic patterns in their own relationships.
By understanding and mitigating these dynamics, gay male couples can build stronger, more resilient partnerships.
Tune in to gain valuable insights and take the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Follow Us: Stay updated with our latest episodes and relationship tips by following us on instagram @howtofindandkeepagayman
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Episodes manquant?
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In this reflective episode, we delve into the poignant concept of "bridge relationships" — those transformative bonds that may not last forever, but crucially pave the way to lasting connections. We explore how dwelling on past bitterness can obstruct our personal growth and hinder the invaluable lessons these relationships will teach us.
We also discuss the power of embracing gratitude towards our former partners, shedding light on how such a perspective can elevate a deeper understanding of ourselves and lead to profound self-revelation. We'll examine how assigning blame can be counterproductive, while acknowledging the role they've played in our journeys will usher us into new levels of maturity and readiness for our forever relationships.
Gain insights on moving forward with an open heart, while preparing yourself for the love that's meant to stay. This transformative discussion just change how you view your past and future relationships.
Part-two of our series highlighting Matt Heincker's new queer podcast, "Through the Long Night."
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In this powerful episode of How to Find (& Keep) A Gay Man, The Matts delve into the heart-wrenching journey of Matt Heincker’s battle with overwhelming despair and suicidal thoughts as a closeted gay man in college.
As he stands on the precipice of darkness, contemplating the end, Heincker finds himself grappling with his identity and the fear of rejection from those he holds dear. Yet, amidst the turmoil, he discovers a glimmer of hope – a love that transcends human understanding, a love that refuses to let him go.
Join us as we explore the transformative power of loving ourselves, the resilience of the human spirit, and the unwavering presence of a higher power guiding us through the darkest of nights.
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WE ARE BACK!!!! And we’re thrilled to announce the return of "How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man" for its much-anticipated SEASON 2.
Join hosts, Matt Bays and Matt Heincker, as they bringfresh perspectives and enlightening experiences to the table.
Matt Bays recounts his global adventures alongside hishusband, distilling the essence of what makes a thriving partnership in the LGBTQ+ community. He brings back invaluable insights into the art of what itmeans to be a good partner.
Meanwhile, Matt Heincker has been diligently cultivating hisown audio venture, "Through the Long Night: A Man’s Journey Out of Darkness and into the Technicolored Light of Love and Peace,” which we tease in this episode...with the promise of MORE TO COME in the next several weeks. This is Heincker’s personal story as a closeted queer boy raised in a restrictive religious culture, and promises to be a stirring exploration of personal growth and emotional resilience.
We also delve into the power of curiosity and how it servesas the lifeblood of a dynamic and robust relationship.
Stay tuned as we navigate these conversations with heart,humor, and authenticity.
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In this thought-provoking episode, we delve into the intricate dance of maintaining autonomy while fostering deep connections in our gay relationships. Join us as we unravel the complexities of balancing independence and togetherness, exploring how codependence and attachment styles impact our romantic journeys.
The Matts share insights on striking the right harmony between personal growth and shared experiences. Through candid discussions, they uncover practical strategies for nurturing a healthy partnership while respecting individual identities.
From examining the role of communication in setting boundaries to understanding the impact of various attachment styles, this episode serves as a valuable guide for gay men seeking to find (& keep) their gay man. Whether you're navigating the early stages of love or looking to reignite the spark in a long-term commitment, you'll gain a deeper understanding of how to forge a lasting connection while embracing the beauty of self-discovery.
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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In the episode The Aging Queen, Matt & Matt delve into the poignant topic of aging anxiety within the gay community. They candidly explore the fears, challenges, and emotional dynamics that arise as gay men confront the prospect of growing older.
Listeners will hear personal stories as The Matts recount their experiences grappling with societal pressures, beauty standards, and the fear of losing their identity as they age.
This episode ultimately aims to provide comfort, insight, and a sense of community for those navigating the complex emotions surrounding aging within the gay community. You’ll leave with a deeper understanding of WHY gay men are obsessed with youth and beauty, and also with practical strategies for cultivating self-acceptance and resilience.
Mental health struggles are also discussed.
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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On parts 1 & 2, the Matts debunked biblical scriptures about “the sin” 🙄 of homosexuality and also shared their personal stories on how the church kept them stuck, living as heterosexuals while they were closeted, super gay homosexuals. 🥳
Now, in this final installment of “The Lord is My Shepherd and She Knows I’m Gay,” they talk about viable options for moving forward spiritually. What does reconstructing your faith look like? Or are you looking to be religiously unaffiliated and do life without religion?
With over NINETY YEARS of religious teaching between them (no lie), these two queerbies have successfully navigated and overcome the f*cked up fundamental waters of religion. And with their experience, has come wisdom and compassion for the many who are still struggling to find their way.
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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On part 2 of “The Lord is My Shepherd, and She Knows I’m Gay,” the Matts talk about the impact of being raised in a non-affirming christian environment by sharing their personal stories.
They discuss their conservative church upbringing, the pursuit of “healing” their sexual orientation as young gay men, the negative impact of conservative christian therapy, suicidal ideation, and how they finally made peace with themselves by making the decision to live as their most authentic gay selves.
Surprisingly, they also speak with gratitude of the parts of their church experience that impacted them for the good.
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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Combined, the Matts have over 90 years of church experiences insisting that who they are (gay) is wrong. But they have moved into full acceptance of themselves.
In this first installment of a three-part series, The Lord is My Shepherd, and She Knows I’m Gay, Matt and Matt take on the one issue that has plagued queer people since gay dinosaurs roamed the gay earth…
RELGION.
They tell us what the bible really has to say about homosexuality, discuss how religious shame has kept gay men stuck for eons, and show us how to finally move past it. Also, they go after the religious right’s conservative take on the LGBTQ+ community, and (while using the bible itself) show us how and why they adopted such a narrow way of thinking.
You’ve heard the “clobber passages” of what God allegedly thinks of gays and what their punishment for being gay will one day be. Now it’s time to hear the truth they don’t want you to know.
And it is beyond time to find the spiritual confidence to say without hesitation: “The Lord is My Shepherd, and She Knows I’m Gay.”
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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Welcome to our LAST EPISODE OF PRIDE, BITCHEROONIES! We are talking about CHOSEN FAMILY.
Do you have one? Why do you NEED one? How do you BUILD one?
Many of us lost our family or friends when we came out. And even for those of us who didn’t, we may not be able to fully be ourselves around family—to talk about our BIG GAY LIVES because there is level of discomfort surrounding the issue.
Enters chosen family.
The Matts discuss what this looks like personally, for each of them. They also discuss the homophobia and rejection many of us still face, which has led us down a path of looking for safe people to share our lives with…our triumphs and failures, our joys and dark nights of the soul.
And prayer time this week…it is powerful! It's an opportunity to make peace with ourselves and quite possibly with those who continue to live apart from us because of who we love.
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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It’s STILL Pride, bitches! And in this episode, the Matts tackle the complicated subject of TOXIC MASCULINITY.
What is it? How have we been impacted by it? What does it mean to be a “real man” and what does authenticity have to do with it?
And the BIG question: How are we STILL changing ourselves or our behavior (trying to be more or less masculine than we actually are) to be accepted by those who, once upon a time, told us we weren’t real men?
Matt H will tell you how his perception of his ideal gay man has changed. And Matt B treads on thin ice while trying like hell not to be offensive as he describeswhat he believes is a form of toxic femininity in gay men.
Looking for links to the content mentioned in this episode? Check the links below!
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
LINKS TO CONTENT FROM THIS EPISODE:
Let There Be (She) Music Video, Matt’s new drag queen anthem with Blair St. Clair of RuPaul’s Drag Race: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPMpEeVIe0
Interview with Fox News about Let There Be (She): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZTHQe7kedw
Podcast appearance on Dumb, Gay Politics, with Brandy Howard and Julie Goldman
Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dumb-gay-politics/id1181557793?i=1000617801060
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0MJUFldqTubiOvm7b8s4tS?si=6686209ff6dd449f
Let There Be (She) song recording: https://open.spotify.com/track/0P4E1zT6grYIsajzdU4hEO?si=9eed571b2a634b20
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It’s PRIDE, bitches! For the month of June, How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man has changed its name to How to Find (& Keep) Our Gay PRIDE. Each week we’ll be focusing on an aspect of PRIDE that has impacted our lives.
In this episode, we’re serving a little PRIDE history, being proud of who you are no matter who you love, and fighting homophobia. (The category is…knife fight eleganza!) Also… WHAT IS YOUR GAY SUPERPOWER?
And finally, we will tell you EXACTLY why you should attend your local PRIDE celebration.
Don’t miss prayer time at the end of the episode, where Matt B reads a very vulnerable excerpt from his memoir: Leather & Lace (A Gay Man, Lost Love, and a Road Trip with His Dead Sister.)
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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A survey on love and forgiveness reported that each year in the United States there are over 300 million Google searches on the topic of forgiveness, while 62% of Americans strongly agree that they need more forgiveness in their personal lives.
Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community has brought challenges that have opened the door for resentment and bitterness in our lives. In former relationships and in our families of origin we’ve found ourselves hanging on to animosity, and many of us have been unable to move forward.
In episode 20, “The Power of Forgiveness,” the Matts share personal stories about their deepest wounds and perpetrators, and the power they’ve taken back as they’ve learned how to forgive. They look at the impact of unforgiveness in our relationships, in finding (& keeping) a gay man, and in our emotional and physical health. With wisdom and from experience, they discuss what it takes to let go and move on, while asking the simple question; “Are you willing to do the work?”
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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When your partner speaks to you or asks something of you, what percentage of the time would you say you are attentive? Or do you respond at all? Surprisingly, how often we honor these “bids for attention” (or don’t) reveals if our relationship will be satisfying, chronically unhappy, or if it will last.
In episode 19, The Matts discuss the Gottman Theory called, “Bids for Attention.” A bid for attention is a request from your partner for any type of positive connection; a simple request for help, the sharing of a funny meme, asking how your day was, etc.
This Gottman study determines that in order to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, we must understand how our partner is seeking to gain our attention, affection, and/or acceptance, and learn how to better fulfill these bids for emotional connection.
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In The Art of Intimacy we explore the four pathways to intimacy. And we ask the question, “How do we experience mutual vulnerability, closeness without barriers, and deep abiding trust? Do you see the most real, authentic, and vulnerable places in your partner, boyfriend, or husband?
Many of our relationships do not go beyond the surface deeply enough to find true intimacy. We all have natural barriers to building and growing intimacy. But as gay men, specifically, the message of toxic masculinity is, “Do not show weakness or vulnerability,” which has led to most of our community being emotionally unavailable.
Why is this? How do we fix it? And what would it look like to have a deeply connected and intimate relationship?
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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Has your relationship become routine, monotonous, boring? Believe it or not, boredom is the silent killer of romantic relationships. So, what do we do when the relationship stops giving us life? How do we keep things mucho caliente?
In “Keeping it Spicy,” the Matts talk about what to do when the sex tapers off, the connection diminishes, and the future with our man only creates a sense of anxiety. They also discuss the three things which are paramount to staying connected.
Prepare to see their rowdy side, because when it comes to keeping it spicy, these boys put their back into it…especially in the bedroom. This episode serves the kind of All-You-Need-To-Do realness that will keep your relationship spicy with your man, so you don’t find yourself in a much less spicy relationship with Netflix.
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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Welcome to Part 2 of “Body-Ody-Ody: BFF or Frenemy? Self-Love or Self-Loathe?” Body image is an issue within the gay community…period. It can be a huge barrier in your personal growth, development, and in your capacity to find and keep your gay man. In episode 16, the Matts discuss the 3 toxic things imbedded in the gay culture construct: objectification, comparison, and ageism. Also discussed are the "why” behind our struggle with body image (and the science to back it up,) how social media has compounded this issue for us, what The Matts refer to as “The Comparison Project,” acceptance of the old adage “life isn’t fair,” and the 7 ways for gay men (specifically) to have a better body image.
We go deep on this one. DO NOT MISS THIS EPISODE.
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube, or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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Episode 15 is part one of a two-part series called, “Body-Ody-Ody.” Part one, “Learning to Love Our Bodies as They Are” will lay the groundwork for a two-part discussion about body image within the gay community. Our guest, Nando Rodriguez, is a Breakthrough Coach in New York City working with entrepreneurs and helping them reduce their imposter syndrome and crush self-sabotage. He shares his personal story of emerging from the 2020 pandemic with an extra 85 lbs. in tow and how he was able to “love himself in the gap.” Nando presents an empowering paradigm called Internal Family Systems (IFS) which allows us to heal our protective and wounded inner parts. Also, find out how having a CPR team (Cheerleader, Pusher, & Realist) will bring the kind of positive community into your life that every gay man needs.
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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On episode 14 of the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man podcast, join us for, “The Power of Therapy: How Doing the Work Can Change Your Life.” If you’ve been listening, no doubt you’ve heard the Matts casually throw around the phrase, “Get a damn therapist.” In this episode you’ll find out why. This discussion takes an in depth look at why therapy can be a gay man’s salvation, as well as how both of these men were forever changed by making it a top priority in their lives. Not only will they share practical insights, (how to find a therapist, funding your therapy, and why finding a therapist that’s a “good fit” is essential) but they’ll also share, through tears, deeply personal stories of what their lives were like before therapy, what happened in their therapist’s office, and how their lives have dramatically changed as a direct result of doing the work.
Is it time to do the work? This beautifully vulnerable episode could be a good jumping off point.
For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK
To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube
Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
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