Episodes
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These two funny little bozos are turning the tables this week, as they read out submissions from the esteemed conglomerate of brain surgeons which comprises The Picture’s regular readership. In short, a bunch of peanut headed birdbrains have submitted dumb jokes and we’re reading them into microphones for your entertainment. Get involved in some incredulously verbose horseshit.
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The Poms are off the chain, and cutting loose in Chelsea with some ravenous rooting revelry! Doubtlessly high on dangerous drugs, The Picture’s roaming reporter has ventured into a sordid hotbed of debauchery to bring the beloved readers tales of people rooting goblins on the floor. Bjork is crowbarred in there somewhere. Then, we hear about Melbourne’s 1996 Sexpo show, which is chock-full of rude showbags and cutting edge vibrator technology, as well as Max Cream and his ugly, fleshy pole. If you understood any of that, you’re as unhinged as we are. Have it.
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Episodes manquant?
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It’s time to rip into another one of The Picture’s famous Gripping Yarns! This week we hear about some poor sod who has an unpleasant trouser-based surprise at the end of a tockley tantalizing interaction with his gorgeous neighbour. Absolute garbage, didn’t happen, not a word of truth in it. Then, we round it out with some sheila talking about sending her husband’s knob to the mental asylum with arousal. Good fun as always.
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We’re back with another edition of Sez You, one of the many reader-submitted portions of The Picture magazine! We hear a desperate cry for pantyhose-related content from a man with a niche taste in fetishes, followed shortly by a plea from another reader to have his pornographic magazine collection taken away from him. After a bit of faffing around with our phones trying to call a mobile number listed in the magazine, we then read one of the most fucked poems we’ve ever come across. Beware the long arm of the law.
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These two little fellas are back again, and despite a rocky start and somewhat of a breakdown on one of their parts, it’s another horny week here at Smutclub HQ! First off, we read about some bloke who is producing anatomically correct mannequins with assumedly nefarious motivations. After we’re done with that pillar of society, we learn about some absolute bozo from the Top End who has won a date with one of the sheila journos at The Picture. There’s a series of photos with her norks out while he gets increasingly drunk. We round it out with a beautiful bit of poetry. Lovely stuff.
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Derryn Hamster has struck again, with a wonderfully informative article about American folk and some absolutely coo-coo bananas behaviour with their pets. We’re talking frogs getting sent to the gym, some bloke who uses his lizard collection to pull roots, and a couple of cowboys who let their horse ride in the back of a Cadillac. Absolute garbage, none of it is true, but boy is it fascinating reading this tripe.
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It’s the dawn of a new magazine, a new shining light burgeoning with tockleys, spoonta and mootage. We’re joined by comedian Cameron Duggan to flick through this second-hand stick mag, where randy readers are writing in questions to resident advice columnist, Adriann. We stumble upon infected belly-button piercings, crudely worded sexually propositions, and creative labial adjustment methods, all in the name of a damn good time. Horrific scenes here at Smutclub HQ.
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We’re rounding out another magazine this week with an audience favourite, the delectably crass Home Girls section. We’re joined by comedian and artist, Emma Holland, to peruse a handful of poorly taken photos submitted by discerning sheila readers of The Picture, accompanied by clunky bios revealing sad facts about them. Some like tigers, some are pregnant with their third child at age 21, and some just straight up need the cash. No one is on the dole, thankfully, and they’ll be the first to admit that. Chonka chonka.
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Another week, another pairing of black-and-white tabloid articles about irrelevant garbage. Clogging up this ancient skin magazine once again are a couple of articles about some old bastard who collects vacuum cleaners, and another nut in the outskirts of Brisbane who is about to have his pet kangaroos repossessed. What place do these articles have inside pornographic literature? We’re not quite sure, but we’re nearly at the end of this edition, so let’s just keep our heads down and bang on through. Party on.
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The lads are back, and they’ve acquired a little friend to help flick through tacky tabloid tales littered with bawdy wordplay once again! We start off with an expose into some road safety innovations coming out of futuristic South Australia, as we learn about how police are using high-tech spikes to stop hoons. Absolutely genius stuff. Then, we flick through some reader-submitted questions in Ask Sunny (note: NOT Sonya, completely different person), all pretty tame content in there, such as some awful body shaming, unfair Mediterranean stereotypes, and a good bit of wife-swapping to boot. Fun times.
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We’re back for another episode, albeit a little late, but nevertheless we are powering through and bringing you more hot garbage tabloid content from the literary gem of the early 90’s, The Picture magazine! This week we learn of a relatively true recount of a noise complaint made between a Melbourne brothel and a neighboring dance studio, complete with pictures of the children who take lessons there. In a Smutclub 1990 first, we manage to track down one of the people from today’s article, going as far as getting her voicemail! How exciting indeed.
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This week’s episode we unpack another gripping yarn, courtesy of The Picture magazine, where we tell the tale of the disgruntled and enraged taxi driver, Max, and his unsettling and bothersome passenger. We try our hand at some amateur voice acting, and we find a slur printed in the opening sentence of the article. Shortly after, we move onto another edition of Home Blokes, where we discuss three unfortunate men and their unfortunate little tockleys. Wonderful stuff.
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Chonka chonka chonka, the chonk-train has left the station! We’re back with another chonk-filled episode, as we unpack two of The Picture’s trademark tabloid articles. First, we learn about a no-hope punk band from the UK, by the name of Wat Tyler, who went dakless in an effort to parody Madonna’s nudey book. Then, we learn about some Italian bloke who’s carrying on the Kama Sutra’s legacy by printing sex positions onto chocolate, which is apparently the only way forward for books. We attempt to solve world hunger at some point also. Enjoy.
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This week the boys are unpacking another infamous Sez You section from The Picture magazine, chock full of reader submitted content. We’ve got a real mixed bag, ranging from a grandiloquently worded critical essay from a faux intellectual reader, right down to shit tattoos and pictures of genitalia. We’re onto our precious few remaining articles in this magazine, before we get to crack the seal on a freshly acquired smutrag. How exciting.
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After a lengthy hiatus, the boys have finally made it back down the garden path and into the warm welcoming enclosure of our father’s shed, to perseverate once more on the indecency, obscenity, and ribaldry of The Picture magazine. In this first episode back, we learn about hero biker Randy ‘Animal’ Nelson, a reformed criminal who has now turned to a life of charity. Despite having hung up the sawn-off shotgun in lieu of a more benevolent candor, we learn that Animal still has a penchant for the occasional dirty work - particularly once a month. What began as a fairly tame article has really taken a disgusting turn. Good to be back.
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Another week of reader-submitted content from the subscribers of The Picture magazine. This time, readers are penning their questions, quandaries, and quagmires to resident nympho and columnist Sonia. We’re joined by returning guest, comedian Marcel Blanche-de Wilt, lending his vocals to the voice of Sonia, as she solves a very concerning sexual issue surrounding the use of a blowtorch and a seltzer tablet. Truly one of the most fucked things we’ve experienced thus far in the podcast, followed up by a bedroom proposition from a rather well-built regional town minor. Unhinged lunacy of the highest order.
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This week the boys crack into the archives of Japanese mythology, which has somehow found its way into the middle of an Australian softcore pornographic magazine. Joined by comedian Jack Druce, we discuss the myth of Amaterasu, albeit greatly butchered by a severe use of creative license down at The Picture HQ. We dance around a couple of outdated slurs and grey areas, all pretty business as usual when you are reading the crookest magazine ever published. Enjoy x
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The boys are back, sans guest this week, finally recording from our secret headquarters in Brisbane, away from the prying eyes of our parents. This week we learn of a semi-legal risque operation called Book-N-Act, operating out of the river city itself, that caters to the grey area of making physical contact with erotic dancers. More disgusting behaviour from Queensland, and a real grubby relic of yesteryear. Please enjoy with caution x
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We’re joined in the shed this week by local shed enthusiast, garage advocate, and proud owner of every Makita product ever produced, Kel Balnaves! We have another edition of My Funniest Fuck to unpack, featuring glow in the dark paint, rooting on an airplane, and both doggy AND normal style sex. Final week at Adelaide Fringe for the boys, and this episode is a real crook one as always, thank you for joining x
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It’s time to combine two of our favourite pastimes, nudity and basic mechanical repair, as we crack into one of the most poorly written and frustratingly uninformative pieces of writing in existence. This week’s article is the biggest pile of shit, but we do find a couple of diamonds in the rough. We’re joined with Melbourne comedian, Frankie McNair, recording from the Adelaide Fringe where we have all lost our minds and parted with significant amounts of cash. Please enjoy x
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