Episodes
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Context alert!! This episode was originally recorded back in mid-June, during the height of the BLM protests. It's been held up in the works for various reasons, but we think it's pretty good and worth a listen. It involves diarrhea, so what's not to like!
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And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.
Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it! -
Episode 64 Part 2: Artesianal Quarantine Caramel
The Dads continue to discuss their quarantine survival tactics, from moving woodpiles to Todd’s craft caramel and mask making. 80’s corporal punishment comes up - remember the paddle? Dave goes to the dump - perhaps to dig up some ET cartridges. Delicious Southern Restoration rat wrap recipes are shared, and tv gets so great that good isn’t worth watching anymore!
Tune in now to the podcast where everyone generally knows some portion of your name!
We want to hear from you!!! Send us an e-mail at [email protected].
And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.
Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it! -
Episodes manquant?
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Episode 64 Part 1: People or No People
All it took for us to bring back the podcast was having absolutely nothing else to do!
Todd, Matt, AND Dave, AND special guest Joel all are all here, (You get Curly and Shemp!) and they’re trying to keep their broods occupied in the long quality time purgatory that is social distancing.
Matt and Viva have a new game fit for the apocalypse, Joel antagonizes the other dads with good weather reports and bad death tolls, Dave tries not screw up in front of his wife when he’s ALWAYS in front of his wife, and Todd contemplates tuckering Ellie out by forcing her to dig an in-ground trampoline. You know, family stuff.
We want to hear from you!!! Send us an e-mail at [email protected].
And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.
Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it! -
The Dads are back? The Dads are back!
And they brought along a special friend - Scott Durbin from Imagination Movers!
Todd and Matt talk about where they've been (Todd moving, Matt getting angry about airpods).
They're older (Todd needs to hold onto furniture to stand up, and Matt looks like a tired Dr. Strange) but they're here.
Todd has a teenage girl at home who is a sulking rage machine, and Matt has little kid who is very concerned about the health and welfare of former Beatles.
And Mover Scott shares details on the making of "10-4", the Movers tenth album, his recent health scare, and the Movers concert March 30th in Chicago!
Get the Movers new album on iTunes or wherever great music is sold, or through their web site,
Where you can also get tickets to the concert tickets!
Tickets also available at VittumTheatre.org. It's only a 300 seat house, with a nearly sold out performance at 1pm and a 4pm show going fast!
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected].
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
Episode 62: Hack My Thermostat
They Dads are back, farmer-tanned and ready for action.
Todd is getting good at small talk in his old age, but is it a sign of cognitive decline?
And Todd can’t convince his soulless wife to cry along with him to sappy Dad songs. Meanwhile, Matt debates bringing his daughter to a concert she’s gonna hate.
The Dads ponder how much they want to tie their homes to “The Internet of Things” – especially their fancy Japanese toilets. And Matt emcees some cooking demonstrations that get upstaged by a dinosaur and his hammy kid.
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
Why do Todd and Matt smell like lamb chops and adrenaline? A trip to a Brazilian steakhouse – full of traps to destroy your sausage party, like biscuits and cheese. GET THEE BEHIND ME, BISCUITS!
In a post-Easter, breakdown, Todd and Matt are skeptical of the recent poll of “top jelly bean flavors by state”.
Are frying pans supposed to suck?
And in “Holidont’s”, Todd has a rudderless Easter, and Matt overdoes it so hard the cops come. And so do ants.
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.
Coming to climb with us at Easter Time? Sign up at http://brooklynboulders.com/chicago/
Thanks for listening! -
“Pony Up Daddy” is the new Dad saddle that allows your child to humiliate you in comfort. Did we need this invention?
In “Health Beat”, Todd halves his Jube Gel intake and goes into weight loss freefall. But where to stop?
Speaking of which, Todd bought some dubiously named workout drinks that he probably doesn’t need, but it does taste like watermelon Slurpee.
And in “Scarred for Life”, Matt brings Viva to perform at Windy City LIVE! and has to balance between ruining showbiz for her forever and ruining her for real life forever.
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.
Coming to climb with us at Easter Time? Sign up at http://brooklynboulders.com/chicago/
Thanks for listening! -
The Dads clue into the next big teen sensation – sucking on Nintendo games! Watch out, jenkem and butt-chugging!
In “How the Better Half Live”, Matt tried to figure out his wife's rubric for watching TV: How can Westworld not be good enough if Teen Wolf is???
Oh, and Matt goes full Todd and buys a decibel meter so he can see if he's justified in being grumpy at his HVAC system. That's some real dadcore stuff!
And in “So, Now You're Old”, Todd can no longer put his children to bed nor enjoy TV by himself – because they can stay away longer than him. Paging Dr. Kevorkian!
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
The Dads great up for Paczki Day 2017 (this was recorded last week) – but will Todd put his weight loss over his heritage?! I mean, he already drinks tea instead of having dessert.
“Planes to Catch and Bills to Pay” is a big one today – as Todd goes to his LAST Daddy Daughter Dance. (sniff) And... it has a theme?
On Amazon, Todd buys his OWN video game controller his kid can't touch. Smart move or monstrously selfish parenting?
And in Health Beat – Matt tries self-tanner... what could possibly go wrong?
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
Todd and Matt reminisce about failed extreme football leagues past. Is there still a lingerie bowl?
Matt's got an addendum to “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven”, as Viva worries about the soul of her stuffed puppy. Does Cool Pope Francis have a loophole? Then we turn to “Scary Clowns and Filthy Elmos” as the Dads learn with horror that Viva has a secret imaginary friend that's a whole circle of hell down from her ghost friends Caleb! (CAAALEBB!!!)
Are you doing your Amazon shopping through our support page at paternitypodcast.com? Matt is, as he integrates his favorite action figures into his daughter's games of “Princesses in Lava Land”.
And finally, in the “Boop Bop Beat”, Todd succumbs to the siren's call of Twitter masochism, and “Trump Syndrome” turns him into a short tempered monster of a father, who conditions his kids to lie and hide things!!!
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
Criss-Cross Applesauce? Sitting like a W? A Paternity Test investigation into how kids sit today.
In “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven” - Viva's heaven is a lot like a production of “Starlight Express”, and Matt and Professor Foster go to war with the gods.
Matt buys some “Inside Out” toys, but Viva's feelings are too big to watch movies.
And in “So, Now You're Old” - Todd goes right over the hill and lands at a beef stand. Did he waste all his ionic supreme?
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
Happy New Year! Welcome to the start of another year of fake radio from Todd and Matt, the best friends you never met!
New Year, New You for babies, who should now be eating... peanuts?! And Todd is dosing his dog with a peanut dust that would never make it through TSA.
Speaking of Todd, he's back from a family vacation... is he the one who made the sign say,
“Hollyweed”?
Matt bought a very heavy vest – will it make him swole or just crippled?
Say, how do you teach a kid to blow their nose? And who mops up afterwards?
And Viva starts learning about religion... and creating her own! In queso troubles – should we all pray to “Cheesus”?
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.
Thanks for listening! -
The Dads talk about last minute shopping, where Todd grabs whatever fits his price point, and Matt grabs appetizer platters.
In Health Beat, Ellie starts getting sick just before the holiday trip, and the Jays start mainline uncut Colombian Caveman multivitamin. First you get the Barneys, then you get the vitamins, then you get fight the scurvy. Plus, a feverish Ellie gets in trouble, as does a pillow tossing Viva, and the Dads let guilt be their guide.
We hope you're using the Amazon portal! We know we are – even though it shows our family banner ads of what we got them.
Matt wants to talk stranger danger with Viva, but she doesn't want to hear about. Does the National Center for Don't Lose Your Kids really want your child to find an old Gypsy woman if they get lost in the store?
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
Thought the "wet red bread" Facebook recipe videos were gross? The Dads just found the cocktail version, "Tipsy Bartender". Anyone for a Pokeymans Mudslide?
Matt tries to watch some holiday TV but find "the Santa Paws" impossibly maudlin. At least he learned empathy for Christmas Frankensteins.
Play-Doh – perfect snowman ingredient or winter nightmare fuel? Please don't forget to do your holiday shopping through our Amazon portal at paternitypodcast.com!
Lazy gift givers, it is time to panic – Yankee Candle Recall!
Michael from New York calls in and goes green with an advanced bird flipping technique.
… And in the moment we all knew would come, Ellie gets "the talk" at school, and it was time for Todd to ask her what she knows about sperm and ayyyygs.
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
Can you handle your Marijuana Gummies? Illinois teens sure can't. Let's hope they never touch the brown acid Gobstoppers.
Ellie's history of being neglected for her brother's sporting events culminates in a bleacher birthday party, and adult coloring book, and a Jersey Mike's sub.
Laser Tag in an empty dorm – awesome or a great way to get shot by security?
The Dads explore the phenomenon of Facebook sped-up recipe videos and their shambling wet bread horrors. Open a tube of crescent rolls, grab a pail of ranch, and enjoy!
...and Matt realizes his Sr. Pre-K daughter is having her own life experiences – and he doesn't like it.
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
In this festive episode, Todd decorates for Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving at the same time – enjoy a cornucopia full of spooky peppermints! Meanwhile, Matt convinces some international students to put up his decorations to.. broaden their cultural horizons?
Todd's wife leaves town for a week, and the wheels come off his domestic life. Is there an app for this?
Speaking of Todd, he's considering becoming the Grabowski Gizmoduck on a mini-Segway. If not that, then he at least wants a Vespa to embarrass himself on.
And reality weighs heavily on Matt's house, as Viva starts to wonder what is real and what is showbiz. Cartoons? Mermaids? Shellfish? Is anything real at all?
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!
And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. -
It's out episode 50 Underwhelm-tacular!
We can't get the NES classic and we'd be happy to sit in a parking lot all night watching the Godfather trilogy and waiting for it.
Todd uncovers the cruel world of teenage Instagram curation and it is a harsh reality.
Hey, how many hipster and geek dad t-shirts are too many hipster and geek dad t-shirts?
Is there a Mad-Libs podcast? There is now.
And we talk about Matt's butt.
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! -
We're guessing you could use a laugh right now…
Todd and Matt talk to you from the "before" side of the election with tales from Halloween – how do Todd's aging kids manage their transition into obnoxious trick or treating teens? And just how many Halloweens does Principessa Viva get to have?!
Finally – Southsiders Todd and Matt break their silence over their shame and grief regarding the Cubs win. So. Much. Grief.
Are you using our Amazon portal? This show is supported by viewers like you! (Thank you.) Matt is trying to buy new Barbies to replace the jank ones viva has – but is he slut-shaming inanimate objects?
And in the paternity test kitchen – Todd, Matt, and special guest Alex Jay taste test some frozen food aisle abominations from the hoary depths of Walmart… The donut cheeseburger and the deep fried Twinkie! Are these culinary Chimeras palatable?
Email us your thoughts to [email protected] or call the paternity test hotline at 657-BAD-DADS! -
The Dads, along with Viva, parse the abusive language of “It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, and examine the less popular entries into the series, like “Life Aboard the Mayflower Was Hell, Charlie Brown”, and “The Carter Era Was a National Malaise, Charlie Brown”.
In “Scary Clowns”, the Dads announce the death of evangelical cartoonist Jack T. Chick, and do a dramatic re-enactment of the legendary “Dark Dungeons”. Plus, Alex's school issues a warning against would-be prairie clowns.
In “School Days with a Z”, the Dads discuss the history of disaster drills at schools, and Todd wonders if he should Tiger down on his son, who is disappointing his Dad by merely getting straight As.
Matt's browsing Amazon for a respectable doorstop – Todd suggest Matt lean towards Todd's favorite weight: complex maritime knots.
And finally, in “Holidon'ts”, Matt shares his first (disastrous) corn maze experience with Todd, a famous hater of corn mazes, because mankind is not the master of water, nor space, nor corn.
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! -
If the meat tower topples, everyone loses.
I hope you all realize that we were tracking Scary Clowns long before they were the new Shark Attacks. We have always been here for you, in our Clown Proof Bunker, waiting with open arms.
Todd has lost 20 pounds on the “Overpriced Herb Capsule and Starvation” diet!
Halloween means buying costume – buy yours on the Amazon portal and keep this show going!
Matt continues his adventures on campus by placing his mouth under the soft serve spigot for three weeks. This can't end well.
E-mail us your thoughts at [email protected] or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! - Montre plus
