Episodes
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
What Would You Do Differently?
This week’s episode comes with a little trigger warning, talking about themes of death so if that’s sensitive for you right now then come back to this when you feel ready.
It can be hard to talk about, and sometimes feel a bit morbid, to think about our own or loved ones' mortality but I feel like this is an important conversation to have, and a perspective to potentially live by that can actually lead to some really positive changes.
And I know that’s what you want for yourself, because you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.
As you’ll know by now I’m a big believer in sharing things that impact you and the way you think, in case it can have the same impact on someone else and might make a big difference to their day, week, month, life…you get the idea.
So let’s start with a little context for why I'm talking about this today.
Full credit goes to a friend of mine who I caught up with this last week. Someone who played an unexpectedly big role in my own healing this summer for which I'm hugely grateful for.
We were just catching up and talking about all the big things still going on in my personal life and big decisions I still have to make and he just said to me, ‘Can I give you some advice? Just be happy. Do what makes you happy. Tomorrow isn’t promised.’
Now, him saying tomorrow isn’t promised isn’t new, he already thinks that way.
But it hit particularly hard because his best friend had recently been killed suddenly in a road accident.
Sometimes things happen, to you or other people, that just put things into perspective. Context matters.
He also said that he’s not even thinking about the future right now and just living in the moment and taking every day as it comes, which is an easy thing to talk about, a lot of people do.
To the point the message gets lost I think. But again, I think it hits different within the context of the words and the situation they’re said in.
If you really lived like that, knowing that you might not get tomorrow and to totally be in the moment, even if it was just for a day, what would you do differently?
How might you think differently?
What would you just drop because you realise it’s just not important.
What would you let go?
What decisions would you make?
What would you make sure you did?
What would you want to experience?
Who would you reach out to?
What would you say?
How might you throw caution to the wind?
What would make you feel like you’re really living, not just existing?
Pay attention to your first answers to these questions, they’ll tell you a lot. Maybe pause, grab your journal and write them down.
How different might it feel to live by that?
Perspective really is a wonderful thing.
The other side to this conversation I think was also important.
How can you channel the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that come from something negative, into something positive?
I’ve talked a huge amount about this before, the idea that some of the worst things that happen to you can lead to positive things if you allow them to.
It doesn’t take away the pain but it channels it into something good. Something that you can be proud of.
I always find huge comfort in that way of thinking and I've not been proved wrong yet. Amazing things have always come out of my worst moments. Always.
He then told me that he’s been looking after his friend’s son and he’s going to be running a marathon with him to raise money for him to get a bench installed for his Dad so he has somewhere to go and talk to him.
I thought this was such a beautiful example of that.
So if you’re in the thick of it right now, like I know a lot of you are, 2023 has been an annus horribilis for so many people. If that’s you, or someone you love, what could you do that could channel that pain and energy into something positive?
Again, it’s not ignoring the pain, it’s not putting on a brave face or wishing the pain wasn’t there.
It’s alchemy. It’s turning something into something else. Taking lead and turning it to gold over time.
Also, it’s worth saying, be open to where and who your healing and your lessons might come from. It might surprise you.
The same friend also said to me pretty soon after we met that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You can’t predict which one that will be and one is not better than the other.
So, with all that said, what would you do differently if you knew today might be your last?
Stay open. Stay humble. Live more. Do what makes you happy. Focus on what really matters.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Adulting 101
I’m always talking about how the things I love to teach most I consider ‘humaning 101’.
But I want to talk about the elephant in the room that comes along with that.
And that is, ‘Adulting 101’.
Why?
Because in one week I had a total of 7 people say the same words to me. ‘I really thought I’d have my sh1t together by now’.
These people, some of my favourites, beating themselves up because for some reason they believe that by a certain age we’re supposed to have everything clicked into place and know what we’re doing.
And in all honesty, nothing could be further from the truth.
I saw a quote that I loved recently and I'm sorry I can’t give credit to the original creator because I can’t find it but it was ‘I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. Multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.’
Yes it made me lol but I actually think this can spark a really important conversation.
I’ve said it 1000 times that so much of ‘the work’ is simply learning how to deal with the inevitable stuff that life throws at you, and how reframing each of those things as growth opportunities can hugely help.
To live a happy and fulfilling life we MUST let go of the notion that that is what life is supposed to feel like all of the time.
It’s just not.
So much of the healing work is about breaking the patterns of historic triggers, recalibrating and rewiring neural pathways and your nervous system and constantly creating a new baseline of safety in your body and increasing your window of tolerance.
Literally increasing your capacity to cope with what life throws at you.
Life IS going to throw things at you.
You ARE going to be tested.
I believe that learning to not see challenges as big, bad, scary things but things that we breathe through and grow through.
I’m so grateful for the work I do and the knowledge I have around how to do this because it genuinely is easier than most people think, which is why I'm always hammering home to go back to basics and prioritise the basics.
I’m definitely not saying it’s always easy, especially at the beginning, but it is simple.
Learn to regulate your emotions and your nervous system and your life WILL get better, easier, happier, more calm.
That’s what I believe our priority is when we’re talking about ‘adulting’. It makes all the difference.
Think about the level of responsibilities that grow as we get older.
You might have kids, elderly parents, friends or family who are unwell or struggling, mortgages, our own health and wellbeing, job security…or lack thereof. The list really is endless.
And because life crises really don’t tend to follow a predictable or linear pattern it can sometimes feel like it’s one thing after another.
We also love to attach our age to this. Like I said, 7 different people uttered the words ‘I thought I’d have my sh1t together by now.’
That’s just a big fat lie. We think as kids that the adults in our lives have it all together. It’s interesting to consciously look back, or have the conversation with parents or grandparents and ask their perspective on where they were at your age. You might be very surprised at the answers you get.
This is one of the things I've actually loved as an adult. The dynamic can shift with your parents and you can have totally different conversations and ask the hard questions.
If you feel like you can, I wholeheartedly recommend doing it, it can be incredibly cathartic.
So, from my perspective, ticking the boxes you think you ‘should’ have ticked as an adult really means nothing.
I thought I had ALL the boxes ticked, I’m turning 40 next year and life turned completely on its head.
I did not think I would be nearly 40, nearly divorced, living with my parents and all the other things that have happened over the last 12-18 months.
It was not my plan.
I had everything I thought I ever wanted on paper.
But you know what…I couldn’t be prouder of myself.
Even though there’s a long way to go still and some pretty horrendous next level adulting coming my way over the next few months, I can genuinely say that I am the happiest, calmest, most peaceful, confident, solid version of myself.
I did that.
No one else.
And I did it through my own bravery and gumption to do the big, hard, scary things I needed to do to get there.
To stare uncertainty in the face and say ok, I’ve got this.
To put myself and my own wellbeing above anything else.
And I know there’s lots of you out there doing the same right now and might not be recognising that this is the adulting stuff that matters.
Removing yourself from situations that aren’t good for you and don’t make you feel loved and respected is a huge act of self care.
Making big decisions that might go against the grain or against what you had hoped for yourself and your life.
Staring fear in the face and doing it anyway.
Respecting yourself enough to say no, I deserve better, I’m worth more.
That’s huge.
Leaving the relationship, getting out of a toxic situation, changing careers, starting or quitting the business, leaving the situationship.
Yes it can feel like one thing after another.
But the thing you think you should have done or be ‘at this age’ is not the right version of adulting to focus on.
That’s not the important stuff at all.
Do you like yourself? Do you respect yourself? Are you proud of yourself?
If the answer is no to any of those things, are you working towards it?
That’s just as brave!
I promise you no one has their sh1t together.
No one.
Doesn’t matter how old you are, or what you know. No one has it all figured out.
But knowing you’re going to be ok in the process is what matters.
Consciously living according to your values and belief systems is winning at life!
Making hard decisions and doing the right thing by yourself and other people is winning at life.
Knowing that you’re going to mess things up and get things wrong but you’re still a good person is winning at life.
Don’t focus on the material or societal things you think you should have by now.
Don’t focus on the notion that life should be rosy all the time.
You’re probably doing way better than you think!
Fx
-
Episodes manquant?
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
How To Make Friends As An Adult
I wanted to follow on from last week's episode around how to navigate friendship break ups as an adult with how to make some new ones!
I know a lot of people struggle with this, for some reason it can just feel harder as an adult.
For all the introverts and enneagram 5’s out there going nooooooo I don’t want MORE people to deal with, sorry not sorry!
Humans are social creatures, we seek to belong somewhere. That can look totally different for different people. It could be that one person you know has your back, it could be sharing interests, family, community etc.
Our growth and development lies in our interaction with others.
A huge way we heal is relationally. We can co-regulate with other people. Our emotions are contagious.
Friendships form a hugely important factor in that.
There are countless studies on the positive effect of friendships on depression, our health and well-being.
Many people refer to their friends as ‘chosen family’.
But how do you do find them as an adult?
Some obvious ways to find some new friends is through work. Remote working has caused a fair few issues in this respect because it’s hugely difficult to form bonds with people if you’re on your own most of the time.
Companies have recognised this and are adapting with many moving to a hybrid model and essential days in the office.
But if you work for yourself it’s even more important to make sure you’re doing what you can to connect with like minded people. This is where networking events come into play.
It can be incredibly lonely running your own business so the first thing I did was make sure I was always meeting new people and I've made friends for life through it.
There’s something magical about just being around people who think in a similar way to you and want to achieve similar things that makes everything easier and faster.
You will not be surprised when I say that having a good level of self awareness is really going to help you with making new friends as an adult.
Having a clear understanding of your own boundaries, interests, priorities, values, what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what’s important to you etc. What would you love to learn or do more of?
This is all so important in being able to understand your own behaviour within a new friendship and also who might be good or…less good for you.
Embrace new hobbies and interests and don’t fear being really bad at new things…because let’s be honest, you probably will be! It’s really important to maintain a growth mindset when it comes to doing new things, you’re not supposed to be great at it straight away, you’re there to learn with other people in the same position. Allow yourself to see the humour in it, or surprise yourself if you’re a natural, win win!
One thing you definitely will need to do is put in the effort. It will not just come to you. So once you’ve done the self exploration I just mentioned, have a look locally for classes and events and GO! You will not be the only one on your own there and it’s always a nice talking point to find someone else in the same position.
Say yes more, when you have the capacity to. A lot of friendships form through friends of friends. What’s the worst case scenario, you say yes to something, go, don’t enjoy it and leave? The likelihood is that if someone is friends with your friends, you might have some things in common.
Perhaps you might want to consider volunteering for a cause that’s important to you.
Get yourself on neighbourhood apps like next door or make an effort to introduce yourself to your neighbours.
Bumble actually created a friendship version of its app called Bumble BFF. So if you’re not up for dating you can literally put yourself on there to find friends. There’s one for new mothers called Peanut too. There’s lots of them out there. You just need to decide you want to put yourself out there and do a little research.
The biggest thing that needs to be essential when finding new friends as an adult is to put yourself out there and be yourself. Yes this can feel easier said than done sometimes. It’s very high in my value system so I do find this easy. If anything I find it harder to be ‘less’ me. I don’t see any point being anything else or toning myself down because I know I'm not going to attract the right people into my life that way. Plus it’s exhausting.
Rejection can be painful but I really believe that being yourself 100% and someone not resonating with that, really isn’t personal most of the time.
What do I mean by that, because it sounds like it would be pretty personal right? I mean, if you are yourself and that doesn’t fit with someone else. It does NOT mean anything negative about you.
It simply means you’re not a match. Most people won’t be. You’re trying to match interests, values, beliefs, one of you might be a night owl, one might be an early bird. It’s about compatibility, not not being good enough, being different.
Of course opposites can attract and having fundamental differences doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t be friends. But what it also doesn’t mean is there is anything wrong with you, or them. You just simply might not align at this time in your life for what you’re looking for in someone to spend time with. That’s totally ok.
Childhood and teenage friendships can be brutal. I choose to believe that if you can learn to know your own worth, adult friendships really don’t have to be that way and can actually be the opposite.
I think adult friendships can bring joy, healing, growth and so much more.
You’ve just got to be brave and put yourself out there to find the right ones.
Approach it positively and with excitement about all the fun things or deep conversations you’ll be able to have.
There can be so many reasons we might be ‘in the market’ for new friends. It could be you’ve moved away, you’ve ‘broken up with’ a friend or friendship group because your values no longer align. You might have gone through a big life change like a relationship break up which inevitably means people take sides and you might have drawn the short straw.
Look forward to all the things that come with new friendships based on who you are at your core and where you’re at right now.
It’s a beautiful thing.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Navigating Friendship ‘Break-Ups’ as an adult
Friendship brak-ups are a natural part of life.
But no one really talks about the intense pain that they can cause.
Friendships come and go. One minute you think someone is your ‘ride-or-die’ and then something shifts.
At the end of the day, life happens. Sometimes life happens and it creates a seismic shift in who we are.
It’s natural.
But it doesn’t mean it isn’t painful. Sometimes even more painful than romantic break-ups, so it deserves a little attention because I know a lot of people are navigating these sorts of things at the moment.
I certainly have over the last year or so.
So, why do friendship break-ups happen?
Sometimes it might be a betrayal, a move away, a lifestyle change. Fundamentally it tends to come down to one thing.
Different core values.
Our core values shift and change throughout our lives as we go through experiences and learn lessons.
It’s not to say it’s for worse or for better but they definitely shift so it’s always a good idea to keep coming back to your analysis of them and being really clear.
The more clear you are on your core values, the easier you’ll find many situations to navigate because you’ll really understand why something feels off or awful. You’ll understand why you might value a brand new friendship more than someone who has been there your whole life.
As we age and grow these things change and we also get less ok with tolerating someone pushing our boundary or value buttons.
A lot of the time when we form friendships, particularly when we’re younger, it’s because people live near us and like doing the same things as us.
It might be a shared sense of humour, interests, a number of things.
When we get older it shifts to how we behave. What we value. Do we fundamentally behave in ways that we value, to ourselves and others?
When you want to change something about your life, it might be eating healthier or getting fitter, or starting a business or becoming a parent for example, the best thing you can do is to get around people who want the same things as you. Or already have the things you want. People who fundamentally share and understand where you’re at.
But how do you know if it’s time to let go?
The biggest way is to be really mindful and conscious of how you feel around this friend.
Do they add or subtract positive things in your life?
Do you feel judged or unimportant?
Name what you feel.
I think as you get older and your priorities shift you realise that you simply don’t want to be around people who don’t add value to your life.
You’re too busy for starters! It’s like taking a Marie Kondo attitude to the emotional side of your life. Does this person spark joy?
At the end of the day, if you value reliability, consistency, contact and you have a friend who delivers precisely the opposite of that then you’re signing yourself up for constantly feeling let down and hurt. It’s not that one or other of you is technically ‘in the wrong’ but you have a difference in your value system. No right or wrong, just a mismatch at this time in your life.
It’s worth noting that friendships that end for whatever reason, doesn’t always mean it’s forever. I’ve had plenty of friendships where we’ve drifted apart, sometimes more dramatically than others, and come back together a few years later when we were more aligned again in terms of our values.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Listen, listen, listen.
SO many things can be sorted and changed through these two things, and they’re probably the very things that get missed out the most. They’re vulnerable. You need to be brave and speak your truth but also be open to hearing things you don’t like to hear about yourself.
Particularly because we put so many stories and assumptions on other people’s behaviour. Sometimes things are going on for people that we just don’t know about. Sometimes people’s capacity is totally depleted due to what’s going on in their lives and we might have absolutely no idea.
Compassion and understanding first.
You don’t want to make a decision to end a friendship or distance yourself from one without being able to say you communicated everything you needed to and also heard their side and you did everything you could at this point.
If you feel you need some distance, that’s ok.
Remember that it’s normal to feel a profound sense of grief when a friendship ends. Allow it to be there. It makes sense!
Being able to take responsibility for your side of the fence is hugely healing and important, while it may not be fun. There can be important lessons hidden in there and it takes two to tango. It’s not about blame or fault but we will always have some sense of responsibility there that might be an opportunity to learn and heal.
There certainly was for me.
One of the best things to come from my turbulent year has been the reconnection I've created with a lot of friends.
I took responsibility for letting the friendship fade, reached out and I've got some incredible people back in my life now that has led to a huge amount of fun and gratitude and feeling supported. It really has been an amazing journey. It takes guts to reach out to someone and say ‘Hey, I'm so sorry it’s been a minute, It’s on me. I’d really love to see you and catch up if you’re game.’
The other thing I've done is made new friends. New friends are often more aligned to your values and they can come in all shapes and sizes.
With the amount my life is going to continue to keep changing over the next year I'm so excited to meet all the friends I haven’t met yet.
The same is waiting for you. There is always a new or rekindled friend right around the corner. It doesn’t stop friendship break-ups being incredibly hard and painful. It does mean you have an opportunity to keep growing and improving and being around people who make you feel amazing and vice versa.
We all deserve more of that.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
What Is SAD And How To Handle It
As we’re getting deep into cosy season now in the UK I wanted to talk about something that I personally think is really important to be aware of.
And that is SAD.
Seasonal Affective Disorder.
This is where when the cosy season and dark mornings and nights draw in, a lot of people can feel like they’re in a big old funk and have no idea why.
So what is SAD and how can we deal with it?
Please bear in mind I’m not talking here as a medical professional but from my own experience and understanding of what boosts mood. So as always please do your own research and talk to your GP if you have any worries or concerns.
Seasonal Affective Disorder, otherwise known as the ‘winter blues’ or SAD, is essentially a type of depression and low mood that is affected by the seasons and changes in daylight hours.
And, according to the NHS, over 2 million people suffer with it in the UK alone.
It can leave you feeling withdrawn and unmotivated. Like you don’t want to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone.
It can be harder to stick to your routines. You might feel you need to sleep more and crave and comfort eat those carbs more.
You might feel lethargic, general low energy, low sex drive, increased anxiety.
It often leads to us doing more of the very things that we know don’t make us feel good, and less of the things that do, so you can get into a little bit of a vicious cycle with it all.
Which is definitely not pleasant all round.
The reason I wanted to highlight it is because you might be sitting there wondering what the hell is wrong and why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and beating yourself up for it when you might not be able to put a finger on a reason.
And we don’t want that because it really doesn’t have to be that way.
My firm belief is that often an understanding of where these kinds of thoughts and feelings are coming from, and what’s really happening in your brain and body, can really dissipate the control and affect that they can have.
You know I'm all about that sweet sweet awareness! For good reason.
It’s not all doom and gloom, there are lots of things that you can do to ease it and take back some of the control for yourself.
You won’t be surprised but funnily enough, selfcare is even MORE important in these seasons if you’re struggling with SAD.
Consciously making sure you’re catching yourself in the moments where you’re about to do something that you KNOW makes you feel worse and consciously doing more of the things that make you feel good.
I think of it as bubble bath season. I know baths are absolutely cliche when it comes to talking about self care but they really are my ‘thing’. Put me in a bath or a hot tub and I am happy as Larry. Calm, zen, at peace, doing my breathing exercises. You will not see me for at least 2 hours and trust me when I say I’m going to be using all the fancy oils and products.
Exercise is always going to be a winner when it comes to low mood. Movement of any kind within your own capabilities is absolutely fine. We all have our own limits to work with. It’s about finding any possible ways around them that you can. If exercise isn’t possible for you for whatever reason it’s so worth talking to a professional about what might be possible for you.
Watching what you eat. It’s comfort food season and I'm definitely not a subscriber these days to any kind of deprivation and saying one thing is allowed and another isn’t or is ‘naughty’ or you ‘shouldn’t’ have something.
I subscribed to that school of thought for far too long and what I've found is shifting the focus to how you FEEL when you eat certain things really helps you make better choices.
For example, I'm not going to have a huge portion of cottage pie in the middle of the day when I know I have work to do and I'll likely have a glucose spike and feel lethargic and ten times worse.
I might, however, if i'm having a cosy night in front of the TV or a movie and i’m more than happy to be in a cosy little food coma afterwards.
It’s about choice and agency over your choices. If it’s going to make you feel worse and you know it, don’t tell yourself you ‘can’t’ have it, just choose to have it at a time that is better for you and more in keeping with how you want to feel.
Again, not a professional, this is just what has worked for me with a long history of eating and body issues.
I refuse to feel shame about what I eat these days, but I also refuse to make myself feel awful WITH what I eat.
Food has a HUGE impact on mood and we all know it so it’s worth paying attention to how certain foods make us feel.
Take a class or pick a new hobby.
There is this feeling you get when you’ve done something new, or created something you didn’t know you could. It’s such a pure feeling.
Get out there and do the things you love.
Know that you’re likely to totally suck at it at first, but that also doesn’t even matter, if you love it, do it.
Plus there’s the added benefits of meeting like minded people.
Which leads me nicely onto…Be social. Even if that’s just messaging or calling a friend from your sofa.
If that’s all you can muster it’s better than isolating. Isolation usually does nothing but make us feel worse and also pile on guilt for the fact we haven’t replied or reached out to people in a while.
This is something I do all the time. The moment I feel a desire to isolate myself, I reach out. It changes the game every time.
The next one is important, try to get as much natural light as possible. You can also get a SAD lamp which mimics sunlight while you’re inside.
The one I use is from Lumi and available on Amazon. I put it straight on first thing in the morning, I do my make up and get ready in front of it. It makes a huge difference for me.
Embrace the cosies as much as you can. Cosy socks, hot water bottles, blankets, cups of tea, soups. Whatever makes you feel like you’re having a warm hug and feel supported. Game changer.
And finally, if you’re really struggling do not be afraid to seek professional help.
Whether that’s a form of therapy, coaching, acupuncture or other body work modalities like Reiki or speaking to your GP.
The more I study the field of human behaviour the more I’m desperate for people to understand it makes no logical sense for there to be any shame in seeking help.
It’s a hugely empowering thing to do and in all honesty, I believe it’s essential for everybody. I promise you that the vast vast majority of the most successful people you see have multiple sources of help.
This is because they know needing a little support sometimes is incredibly human and the best way out of our own automatic responses is to have them reflected back by someone who can see what you can’t see. That’s how you become the very best version of yourself.
We’re not meant to sit there suffering thinking we’re the only ones to have these feelings. It’s so human and you are NOT alone by any stretch of the imagination. The more it’s out in the open the more we reduce shame and stigma.
So essentially the message here is be conscious, do what you can to look after yourself and not beat yourself up, try to limit doing the things that you already know make you feel worse. Like eating lots of junk that you’ll beat yourself up for and feel sluggish afterwards. Or not being active because it’s cold but you know sitting on the sofa all day is going to make you feel worse about yourself too. Limit that stuff!
So if you’re feeling it a bit at the moment, try doing any of these things and really try to consciously notice any differences in how you feel. Understand it’s likely not YOU. YOU are not always the problem!
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Say
What do you do when you just don’t know what to say?
Let’s be honest, there’s a huge amount going on in the world that is beyond hideous and a lot of people have no idea what to say.
The fear around getting it wrong and upsetting someone, or being called out, can be incredibly strong and uncomfortable.
This can happen in all areas of life, when something big happens, when someone gives you bad news, when someone tells you about a big health issue, a breakup, when someone is navigating any kind of loss, so many situations that can leave you speechless or on wobbly footing in terms of how to handle it or what to say.
So I thought it would be helpful to do a little dive into how to handle it.
First things first, and something that should be obvious but often isn’t.
It’s totally ok for you to literally say ‘I don’t know what to say, I'm lost for words.’
You don’t have to, and aren’t supposed to have the answers all the time.
You’re allowed to not!
So give yourself a break and allow yourself a little space to be vulnerable and honest. Most people appreciate and respect that.
Pay attention to what’s going on in your body.
It’s really common for people to feel anxiety in moments where they don’t know what to say.
If you notice that coming up for you this is a great moment for you to do a quick breathing exercise before you choose to respond if you have the option to do so, so if you’re replying over text for example.
You can use the 4-7-8-3 technique, in through the nose for 4, hold for 7, out through the mouth for 8 and repeat 3 times.
You can use heart math, around 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out, slower and deeper than you normally would.
If you don’t have a minute or two to do this there are plenty of techniques you can use in the moment. Simply take a deep breath and exhale slowly.
Then respond.
Deep belly breaths through your conversation will also be incredibly helpful.
This will help you be in the right part of your brain to be able to provide the best response.
The stress response will put you into a state of fight or flight and take away your rational thinking processes, which is not what you need.
Using your breath to get you back into a parasympathetic state will allow you to access your prefrontal cortex, which you need for rational, conscious thinking. It will also allow you to be more present.
It’s important to remember, sometimes no words are actually needed. You can simply give someone a hug!
You can even ask someone what they need or how they would like to be supported.
Sometimes people aren’t looking for words of advice or anything to make them feel better, sometimes that’s just not possible and we must recognise a need to jump into ‘fix it’ mode when sometimes there are impossible situations where nothing can be said in the moment to ease the pain or tension.
So simply saying something like, ‘I’m here for you, whatever you need’ or ‘What do you need right now?’
Even just doing things for someone who is struggling to ease the mental load. It can be tricky, or not appropriate, sometimes to ask someone what they need, sometimes they’re totally overwhelmed and they don’t have the words to say how you can help. Only you can judge the situation.
Sometimes jumping into action without words is what’s needed.
Making someone some meals so they don’t have to think about it. Tidying or cleaning the house for them. Running errands or picking up the kids.
Rallying round someone with no words is often incredibly powerful and can mean the world to someone in a crisis.
Ask yourself what YOU might want or need in a similar situation. What would you want to hear?
In terms of things that are going on in the world, if you’re running a business or have a presence online, please remember that you don’t have a responsibility to find words.
You’re probably not a political correspondent or sociologist or someone with full understanding of a situation.
It’s ok to say that. It’s ok to say you don’t understand the whole situation and you’re educating yourself and sharing a reliable resource if you want to. It’s ok to communicate how you feel or literally just say you don’t have the words.
You can simply validate someone’s feelings. You can say something along the lines of, ‘That must be so hard, I'm so sorry’. ‘I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this’. ‘I can’t even imagine what this must be like for you. I’m here for anything you need.’
The crux of it is to listen more than you speak. Ask questions and really hear the answer. Empathise and validate and be honest with your own thoughts and feelings.
Even though I literally have a degree in communication I've learned SO much about it in the last 12 months or so and it’s life changing.
Not everyone is going to be able to meet you where you’re at but if you can live with honesty and integrity and open communication you genuinely will change your life and avoid so many uncomfortable situations.
Focus on connection, try to stay out of your head and drop into your body and really just be there with someone or be there with your own thoughts and feelings and pay attention to what you notice.
There are so many situations where ‘I don’t know what to say’ is perfectly ok. It’s honest.
Let go of creating an ‘outcome’ for someone. You don’t need to. It’s such a natural thing for someone to want to change something for someone. It’s worth asking yourself, ‘Am I looking for this outcome for them, or for me?’ It can be confronting for sure but the answer often helps shift our approach in the moment.
If it’s appropriate you can signpost some resources for them. If you don’t feel equipped to talk about something or handle a situation or you feel out of your depth, do some research and find some relevant resources and send it across and say ‘I saw this and thought it might be helpful’. Or if it’s something that helped you or someone you love, ‘I wanted to send this in case it was helpful, it really helped me.’
So many people just want to feel seen and heard.
Remember, no one has all the answers. You don’t have to either.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
The Art Of Surrender
This is a little bit of a follow on from last week's episode about the identity death and rebirth process of change, so if you haven’t listened to that episode yet I suggest you start there.
When we’re talking about any kinds of changes and identity shifts in any way we need to learn to let things go.
We need to learn to be in those moments of uncertainty and essentially, surrender to the process.
So this is all about the art of surrender.
This is something it took me a while to truly learn.
I’m an enneagram 6 so naturally I'm quite the planner. I’ve always liked to look at all potential outcomes with a tendency to veer towards the worst case scenario.
So this is a valuable skill to learn because that’s no fun. It makes everything feel harder, like you’re swimming against the tide or pushing water uphill.
It’s recognising that trying to control everything is a protection mechanism. It FEELS safer BUT there’s a LOT more mental suffering involved than there needs to be.
It’s about literally stopping fighting with yourself and the process. Learning to handle all the things that can make it more difficult.
So we’re talking about releasing the need for control.It’s about allowing, not controlling or forcing. Even when you say those, which feels easier and more enjoyable?
How many times have you suffered in your own head about a potential or worst case scenario and the reality was far better. That has its merits at times for sure and is certainly where I've spent most of my life. BUT, what if you can have the same outcome WITHOUT the suffering in your own head first?
That would be better, right?
So it’s learning to trust that whatever the outcome you WILL be ok. This is something I really live by. I have ‘everything happens for a reason’ tattooed on me in latin. Many people cringe at that phrase, and I get it. For me it really is a life philosophy and my interpretation of it really is how I've learned to surrender.
It’s not my natural state of being by any stretch of the imagination. But my solid belief is that whatever happens to me (or FOR me, wink, wink, nudge, nudge) no matter how awful it feels at the time. I completely trust that something good will eventually come from it.
Even if it takes time.
I know in my bones that eventually I will be looking back and saying, that was awful, but if it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be who and where I am now.
It’s a solid belief system for me. I got there by looking at the evidence across my whole life. It’s ALWAYS been true. Even the darkest of things has had a positive outcome or lesson that I'm grateful for eventually.
When you have that, you don’t feel the need to control as much and do the all important process of not having an attachment to the outcome. It’s hugely freeing.
It’s another reason why I call it growing pains. It doesn’t stop it being painful at the time. All change is painful, like I said last week, we’re fighting against our unconscious programming and our nervous system’s idea of what’s SAFE. So it’s going to be uncomfortable.
There are a few other things you can do to lean into the art of surrender.
Firstly, you really have to know what it is you’re working towards or moving away from. Knowing what that looks like and at the same time being open to it being a bit different, better even. How many times have you heard someone say ‘it’s even better than I could have imagined’?
Be open to a few potential nice surprises along the way. ‘This or something better’ vibes! Stay open. Stay curious.
Deal in truth, not story.
Figure out what the story is lying underneath the truth. What are your biggest fears around you not controlling the outcome? What would you do if those things actually happened? Where could it lead? Question everything. Is it REALLY true? What else could be true?
Remember that momentum can be QUICK. Things can feel like you’re totally stuck and things are never going to change, then the next minute your entire life is different and everything has clicked into place. So try not to focus on the negatives of where you’re at right now, as long as you’re taking action you ARE moving forwards.
If you’re needing to let go of a part of yourself or something or someone in your life, recognise that it is NOT a failure. Things change. People change. Circumstances change. Let go of what you know in your heart isn’t good or right for you anymore. What’s more painful, the pain of staying where you are or the pain of letting go? Only you can decide.
Educate yourself and understand the inevitable parts of the process.
Keep reminding yourself of what you’re moving towards.
When you find yourself too much in your head, get into your body. Go for a walk, move in any way that feels good to you, breathe deep belly breaths, meditate. Don’t forget that the mind influences the body, but the body also influences the mind. I find it one of the quickest ways out of my head and back to regulation and it’s training you out of overthinking the more you do this.
Let’s be honest, where has trying to control everything got you so far. Where can you honestly say that approach has been the best and the way that you’d suffer the least?
How would it feel if you could let go of the reins a little bit?
Ease off the mental load.
Protect and prioritise your peace.
You’re not supposed to know all the answers, and no one ever will!
The art of surrender is not about not taking action. Far from it. It’s about taking action with deep trust that it’s all going to work out how it’s supposed to.
Think about how and where you could practice this during the rest of your week and see how it goes!
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
The Identity Death And Rebirth Process of Change
I want to have a chat with you today about the rollercoaster that is the identity death and rebirth that you experience during any big changes and transformation work.
It’s worth talking about for so many reasons, including that it hugely helps you understand certain thoughts and feelings that are highly likely to come up for you.
It also helps in understanding why it can sometimes feel so tough and even when we really want to change something and why we might procrastinate and avoid it and feel like we’re in a constant battle with ourselves.
We have to start by being honest that any big change is normally a total identity shift.
Sometimes referred to as an ‘ego death’.
The ego is literally the sense of self and what protects that sense of self.
It’s a huge part of the work of Joseph Campbell and the Hero’s journey.
It’s your very own little hero’s journey, and we all know how they tend to pan out.
Usually these ego deaths are absolutely for the better, but it involves you going against your current unconscious wiring and programming which funnily enough, registers as a life or death situation to your nervous system and your ego to get to the other side.
The rebirth or awakening if you will.
So whatever change you’re currently in, whether it’s a new career, a new business, navigating loss of any kind, weight changes, all the various phases of parenthood, anything. You’re going to bump up against a few things along the way.
Trust the process and trust that it’s leading you to where you’re meant to be and somewhere where you’re even more ‘you’.
It’s stripping back the layers of the onion to get back to who you really are at your core.
And it can sting!!
Please get all the support you need too, you don’t have to go it alone. That support might look like a friend, a coach, a mentor, therapist or body worker.
They will absolutely speed up the process and turbo charge your growth.
I’ve had so many identity deaths and rebirths in my life and I think it’s a nice exercise to recognise these and write them down as a reminder of how strong and capable you are.
A reminder of what you learned in the process.
A reminder that you’ve overcome every single one of your worst days.
Everything is temporary and evolves and that’s a GOOD thing but something that many of us fear immensely because it’s uncertain and unknown.
My previous identities feel so foreign and unrecognisable to me now, I don’t identify with them in the slightest but I have 100% love, gratitude and compassion for every single one of those parts and previous versions of me.
Your identity is wholly tied up in your unconscious programming, your upbringing, values and beliefs you hold about yourself and the world.
A lot of it is around the boxes you put yourself into.
The experiences you’ve had. The job you have. The level you’re at. The salary you earn. The place you live. The people in your life. The relationships you have.
Pay attention to when you make ‘I am’ statements and how you label yourself.
All of this combines to create our identity and who we believe we are.
Now, when we’re going through a death and rebirth of ourselves there are certain stages you might find yourself in, which even if they’re not so fun, you can recognise as progress in absolutely the right direction.
One thing that frequently comes up is questioning EVERYTHING about who you are and what you believe. ‘Who am I if i’m not this thing or if I don’t have this thing’.
Remembering that the old version of you might already be ‘dead’ and no longer around and a new version of you is coming, but you might be in the inbetween stage where you haven’t fully figured it all out yet.
It can often feel messy and confusing and that’s ok. It’s part of the process and needs to happen and is a really natural and often necessary part of our growth as a human.
You might feel a lot of confusion and a big state of feeling unsettled.
The way I've always described it to friends when it comes to myself is ‘discombobulated.’ You can’t quite put your finger on it but you definitely don’t feel yourself.
You might feel all the emotions under the sun, it can feel like a complete rollercoaster. Please try not to suppress this and let yourself feel what you feel and allow yourself some compassion because it can be, or at least feel like, deep grief that you’re feeling and it needs to be allowed to be there and processed.
The cocoon phase is a big part of it. This can feel particularly confusing if you identify as a social butterfly. You might want to be by yourself a lot. It’s a phase and not forever so listen to it rather than beating yourself up for it. You might feel a desire to isolate yourself from others during this phase. Which is ok, try to communicate it with people though because if you do, they feel informed and won’t make up stories about you not caring about them and then you can enjoy your cocoon guilt free so communication really does make this phase easier ironically.
You might find yourself relating less to your friendship circle. The fun part of this that I've found every time is the new friendships and relationships that develop. Society puts a lot of worth onto longevity but I actually find a lot of the time the people that you meet later in life, particularly after a few deaths and rebirths of self, are the ones that you REALLY resonate with and might be your ‘lifers’.
So it’s clear to see why we might resist it. It can be scary. But remember you still have choices and communication goes a long way.
Let things fall away that are meant to fall away. It doesn’t mean it will always be that way. I’ve had friends who fell away for certain phases of my life and came back and we’re closer now than before.
It’s an evolution.
It’s learning to feel safe to let go.
Know it’s the right thing for right now and trust that if that person or thing is meant to be in your life it will be.
The next phase will see you potentially feeling things like a sense of pride or gratitude. A sense of increased self worth and self compassion. You might find yourself smiling more, feeling more capable, stronger.
So if you’re in the midst of being a glorious little ‘changeling’ and experiencing your own death and rebirth of self and the ego then I see you, I feel you, good on you, you’re a rockstar, i’m proud of you and I hope you can’t wait to meet yourself, it’s going to be so worth it!
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
An Exercise For Shifting Your State
Today I have an exercise for you around shifting your state.
Why is shifting your state important?
Shifting your state is a super quick and efficient way to be able to feel more of how you want to feel and less of how you don’t.
Learning to shift your state can help you with anxiety, depression, being stuck in a freeze state, generally getting out of a funk…all sorts of things.
Please remember, as always, it’s important not to avoid or suppress feelings because it’s a sure fire way for them to stick around longer than you want them too.
But shift the focus a little away from avoidance to retraining. Learning this tool is a great way to start rewiring new neural pathways for feeling MORE of what you do want to feel.
A great example of this is a gratitude practice.
The more you consciously focus on the things you’re grateful for, the more of it you’ll start to find.
Gratitude is called an ‘intervention’ in positive psychology because it can shift your negative state to that of gratitude. Plus, the more you do it the more it’s wired in as an unconscious pattern.
It becomes a way of being.
So it’s kind of handy right!
So grab your journal for this one because we’re going to do a little exploration, but first, a little context.
So, I've explained this before but if you’re new here, you have 3 core state ‘categories’ Mental, emotional and physical’ (there are technically 4, the 4th is spiritual but that’s for another day because it takes a little more explaining) and then comes the magic part.
This is a super quick way to get out of most negative headspace. If you change one, you change them all.
Which is another key piece of information to help us leverage a little knowledge about how we tick to our advantage.
So, If you’re feeling emotionally low, beating yourself up or you’re in a negative thought loop, deep in procrastination mode, if you change your physical state (movement, posture etc) Or your mental state (consciously choosing another thought, etc) then automatically your emotional state will change which can be exactly what you need to get you moving again.
Changing your physical state is THE quickest and easiest way out of all of them.
One of the presuppositions of NLP to be aware of is ‘The mind and body are a linked system’ which illustrates this really well. (It also correlates with looking at the vagus nerve and the brain to body pathways)
So if you’re physically feeling a certain way it will affect your state of mind and vice versa. Posture is a really good way to show this.
When you’re feeling down and a bit low what does your posture do and how does it make you feel?
When you’re happy or having fun what does your posture do and how does it make you feel?
Noticing these simple physiological changes you can make are a nice little way to learn to ‘trick’ your mind into believing you feel a different way so it then follows suit.
So catch yourself in those moments where you’re not feeling at your best about to procrastinate or self sabotage in some way and make the decision to do something about it, KNOW you can change it if you want to and if you choose to.
The bottom line is the more self aware of all of these things you are, the better you can manage it and the quicker you’re able to take a step back from your emotions, observe them instead of being consumed by them and go HANG ON...and realise it may not be YOU!
So, we might not want to feel the same thing all the time.
Sometimes we might want to feel happy and energised.
Sometimes we want to feel calm and content.
So the first thing I'd love you to do is identify some of the ways you regularly like to feel.
For example, if you feel anxiety, what would you rather feel?
For me, Peace always comes high on the agenda.
For you it might be different. You might like to feel productive instead, especially if that's something your anxiety gets in the way of.
So the next part is to create awareness around what you normally do that helps you feel that way.
For me, if I'm wanting to create a sense of peace, calm and contentment I know exactly what to do. It will be either going to the gym and then the hot tub or it will be getting out in nature.
I know doing something active will always create that for me. There are SO many other reasons why getting active does that for me but you don’t need to know that for now, you just need to start noticing all the things where you feel that state you’d like to feel.
Once you have your awareness and your list. Start trying to catch yourself in a state you don’t want to be in and consciously do one of those things, and then I just invite you to notice the difference, and how quickly.
Eventually when you’re doing this exercise you’ll end up with a great awareness of how you’d rather feel AND the tangible things you know to do to create that for yourself.
I hope you find this helpful. It was a huge game changer for me and something I still use daily.
And remember, as with everything, the more you practice the more natural and automatic it becomes.
The more it’s wired into your system and the more ‘you’ it becomes.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Why we need to understand validation
A need for validation, and where we get it from, is something that can hugely trip us up on our quest for a happier, more fulfilled life.
According to the dictionary the definition of validation when it comes to psychology is ‘recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.’
So why is it hugely important to understand our own individual nuanced version of validation?
It’s inextricably tied into our view of ourselves. Our self esteem, our self worth.
And often all it takes is an awareness of it to understand that a lot of the ways we try to validate ourselves are ridiculous, and we’re missing some more ways that are far more important and create changes in other areas of our lives.
I often think back to why I started this podcast.
It became almost like my own little journal of self discovery and things I had learned through ‘doing the work’ myself and through years and years of study and training.
It made me a bit mad that nobody had told me this stuff before.
Until I realised, most people haven’t been told it themselves!
So I kind of went on a bit of a mission to help people understand themselves in all their glorious humanness.
It’s something that brings me immense joy to know.
It’s something that genuinely creates awe and wonder for me on a daily basis watching other people and witnessing my own thoughts and behaviours and changes and shifts I've been able to make in my own life and the lives of my clients.
It’s game changing stuff and far more simple than we make it.
I believe the world would be an unrecognisable place if people simply understood the way they worked as humans and had self awareness. If they understood on an intimate level what their own individual nuance was in their programming that made them think, feel and behave in the ways that they do.
Understanding validation and the ways in which we seek and try to create it for ourselves, and the ways we validate others, is a huge part of this.
We will all have had different experiences of the messaging that we’re given in society, through our culture, gender, when we grew up, income level, appearance and so much more around what makes you ‘valid and worthwhile’.
I just want to briefly remind you that you are ALWAYS valid and worthwhile no matter your background, upbringing or any of these things.
There’s only so much of this I can cover in one episode but I highly, highly suggest you grab your journal and dig into this.
When you start to unravel it all so much starts to change.
The way you see yourself, the way you see others, the way you start to see the world.
So what do you believe makes you valid and worthwhile?
Is it being in a relationship? Whether you’re married or have kids?
Is it your job title or income level?
Is it the number on the scales or the size of your clothes?
Is it being masculine or feminine?
Is it the friends you have and the circles you keep?
Is it your family?
Is it what you choose to eat?
Is it where you choose to go?
Is it true? Does it?
Does it make you a better or worse human?
Less worthy in any way at all?
Hopefully you’ll start to see what I'm getting at here.
Does any of it REALLY matter?
Does it really matter to YOU?
The trick is to start to seek INTERNAL validation.
The way you do that in my opinion is to start to analyse your thoughts and beliefs and really, truly figure out what YOU think and be open to that shifting.
Really understanding what you think is important and live by it as much as humanly possible.
You might have heard the saying before ‘your word is your bond’. I kind of like that in this instance.
If you consciously choose to live in the ways, and make choices according to what YOU believe makes someone a good person then your self esteem is going to skyrocket.
I’m not saying it will always be easy, particularly at first because you’re going against your protection mechanisms and ingrained neural pathways but I DO know that it’s 100% worth it any day of the week.
So what do YOU believe is the makeup of a good human being?
What qualities do they possess?
What does their life look like?
What are their thought processes?
What do they have? Would they be just as good of a valid and worthwhile human without it?
Look at what you want in your life and really dig into WHY you actually want it. Is it for external validation? Internal validation? You’re not really sure anymore?
What are you judging or not judging them for? (Easy place to start with this one is what do you already judge yourself and other people negatively for right now…what’s the opposite of that?)
This is such a simple but hugely valuable exercise to do.
Always flexing that self awareness muscle which gets you closer and closer every day to living the life you want to live and being the person you want to be.
But also, something worth mentioning that’s slightly different to what i’m talking about in this episode but still very important to mention when we’re talking about validation.
How are you validating or invalidating other people?
This is a huge part of healing too. Feeling understood and that you make sense and your feelings are valid.
There are so many ways that we do this to ourselves and others, toxic positivity is a great example of that.
Ways that we tell people they shouldn’t be, feel or think a certain way.(I’m obviously not talking about the extremes here, there are of course a lot of ways of being, thinking, feeling and doing that have no place in civilised society)I’m talking in general conversation. If someone’s opening up what do you say to them?
Do you tell them other people have it worse? Do you talk over them and go straight into fix mode and tell them what to do instead of just listening and letting them know it makes sense they’d feel that way?
As you go about your week I'd love for you to just notice with curiosity when you feel invalidated by someone or if you notice yourself doing it to someone else. Unfortunately it’s very very easily done and most of us do it often. It’s something we have to make a conscious effort to unlearn.
So, as a final reminder, you are a hugely valid, valuable and worthwhile human being. Wherever you’re at right now and however you may feel about yourself, your progress or where you’re telling yourself you should be.
I said to a new friend recently that I believe life is about constant growth and evolution for the better. Not from a place of not already being good enough but peeling back the layers of armour and protection that we’ve built around ourselves through our lifetimes to get back to being MORE of who you really are. Not someone different, who you’ve always been.
The reality is that often the opportunity to create that growth comes from some sort of pain or darkness, but it doesn’t have to.
We can choose to start looking for that incremental growth consciously whenever we choose to and feel ready to…and I think that’s kinda magical.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Proud Of You
In the most non patronising way possible, I want to get a message across today.
I’m proud of you.
I’m proud of me.
For so many things.
Sometimes you have to take stock of what we’re all working against to really acknowledge that we’re doing a great bloomin job…even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
There are so many phrases that teach us from little kids to be modest. To not shout about our achievements. It’s undesirable to think, let alone say, that we’re good.
Good people, good at our jobs, good looking, a catch, good at something.
We’re taught to play it down.
Don’t you dare think or believe you’re good enough for what you want. It’s unattractive.
Don’t be arrogant.
Don’t talk about the things you’re good at.
Don’t think you’re funny.
Essentially, don’t like yourself too much…or at all!
This is by proxy what we’re taught.
No wonder we have generations of people who can’t acknowledge their achievements or worth!
But this also serves to make damn sure we don’t notice the little things that we do that are amazing.
So we’re going to change that today because you deserve it.
I’m proud of you for getting up this morning.
I’m proud of you for making hard decisions.
I’m proud of you for every time you’ve pushed yourself beyond your comfort zone.
I’m proud of you for every time you’ve done something you know is good for you.
I’m proud of you for every time you haven’t but you’ve noticed you WANT to!
I’m proud of you for every hard thing you’ve done.
I’m proud of you for facing things you didn’t want to.
I’m proud of you for every time you’ve let yourself rest.
I’m proud of you for every day you’ve kept going.
I’m proud of you for trying!
Some days…that’s more than enough!
I added a little prompt into my daily journaling for the non dear diary type (as a recap, go back to episode one but every day it’s writing down 3 things you’re grateful for, 3 good things that happened that day, something you’re looking forward to tomorrow, I also added a challenge that you overcame or learned a lesson from, and nice things you did for other people - As a reminder what this is doing is training your neural pathways to see these things as a default every day. To see the positive every day. To see your progress every day. It’s magic.)
The prompt I’ve added is ‘what am I proud of today’. Hopefully you can see exactly why this would be so valuable.
When we think about increasing our self worth, which SO many of us want to, it’s actually a lot easier than you think.
It takes a little time, effort and energy to rewire those neural pathways but it’s beyond worth it.
It starts with learning for it to be safe to acknowledge our good points, the good things we’ve done and the ways we’re growing.
Learning that it is absolutely ok to acknowledge and celebrate yourself and your wins, no matter how big or small they are.
The last 12 months has been the biggest rollercoaster for me and I am SO beyond proud of myself.
I’ve made heart wrenching decisions. I’ve made decisions that are the right thing for the short term and the long term, even though they were all painful and I could have easily looked at myself as a failure in SO many different areas. I’ve done what’s right for me and prioritised my health, wellbeing and peace every day.
I can look back on this time in years to come with tremendous pride.
This attitude is beyond helpful in tough times, it’s something I've worked on and cultivated and allowed myself to learn over time.
I’ve had confronting things to unlearn.
It’s not been easy every step of the way but I can safely say I'm proud of myself and I really am my own best friend inside my own head.
The way I talk to myself in my own head now vs most of my life is unrecognisable and that’s all available to you.
It starts with allowing yourself to acknowledge your smallest of wins every single day.
Learning to see yourself in a new positive light, every day.
Learning that the smallest of steps are still steps in the right direction, and that if you take a step back, there will STILL be another step forward.
Learning to be KIND to yourself.
Learning to have compassion for yourself.
Learning to understand that YOUR opinion of you is the most important thing and something you have control over. What other people think of you is up to them.
Understanding that it’s all possible and that it’s possible for you!
I’m proud of you.
I’m proud of me.
You deserve to feel proud of yourself!
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Nobody Has It Together All The Time
Without exceptions, nobody has it together all the time.
So why do you think you have to?!
What does it even mean to you to have your stuff together?
That’s going to look different for everyone.
For me it’s about resilience. It’s not necessarily about having everything you ever wanted but it’s knowing you’re working towards it, even if there are a few bumps and bruises along the way.
What is it for you?
Grab your journal and really get into it and write down what ‘having your stuff together’ really means and looks like for you.
Feel free to pause, I'll wait.
Now look at what you’ve written.
Is it actually realistic?
Do you know anyone, personally, not on the interwebs, who meets the criteria?
I wonder, what would they say if you told them that’s how you see them?
These are the day to day assumptions that wreak havoc on our self esteem, self worth and mental health that NEED to be challenged and picked apart.
If we can remove the immense pressure we put on ourselves, how different would things look?
Do you think you might be more accepting?
More forgiving towards yourself?
Kinder?
I describe myself as someone who has their stuff together, even when they don’t have their stuff together.
What do I mean by that?
For me having your stuff together actually means knowing and recognising when you don’t! Then being able to do what you need to do to prioritise yourself and your own wellbeing. To do the things that you know are good for you and know that everything is going to work out just fine.
So really I see it as not having your stuff together at all ha! Quite freeing when you think about it.
Right now, on paper I do NOT have my stuff together.
Pretty much every key area of my life is in flux, or limbo as i’ve been saying.And i’ve been doing a tremendous amount of #adulting.
There are so many things I DON’T have control over right now because you can never have control over other people…no matter how much you might like to. Being accepting of that is a skill you can learn. Trust me on this ha!
The amount of huge things I've been through this year is bananas and unpredicted.
BUT, so many people have said to me things like, 'How do you have such a positive outlook on this?’ ‘How are you so calm, you seem in a really good place?’ and ‘You’re handling it really well!’
Because I am…most of the time. I’m very very honest that there are many MANY human moments along the way.
There have been days where things have seemed hopeless and even when I've said that, I knew I didn’t really mean it and I was just having a human moment…and they are allowed!
But there are days where all I see is possibility.
All I see is the opportunity and the growth and potential and I find that magical.
It tends to be out of the hardest things that come the best things and I hold on to that.
I’m very self aware and always approach things with curiosity over judgement. Sometimes other people have a harder time with my emotions than I do because they don’t know how to handle them.
But that doesn’t matter, I don’t judge them for that. But I also don’t take on that opinion just because it’s theirs.
I don’t push away my emotions because I know that’s the quickest way through them and to process them.
Most of society have been trained to shun their negative emotions and panic a little in the face of someone else’s. Big emotions can make other people uncomfortable and that’s ok.
But never, ever tell yourself that they shouldn’t be there because they are all clues and messages for something that needs to be dealt with head on, or it’s just going to stick around and get louder until you pay attention!
Gotta feel it to heal it!
It’s FAR too easy to look at the curated versions of people on the internet and make huge assumptions that they have it good all the time. They don’t.
They’re dealing with the same amount of humanity as you are! They are lying if they say otherwise.
It’s about how you look at and recover from these moments that is the difference that makes the difference and that’s what you’re looking for.
Not the absence of them. Or to have your stuff together all the time.
It doesn’t matter how much you know you will always have human moments, thoughts, beliefs, reactions.
We’ve just been programmed for far too long that these things are undesirable.
And it’s, as always, completely nuanced.
Because we all have different unconscious programming and experiences.
So how could people with all of that going on ever look at things in exactly the same way?
They don’t.
There’s always ALWAYS nuance to it.
This is where values, opinions, beliefs all come into play to make you the beautiful, perfectly imperfect, flawed and nuanced individual that you are.
And that should be celebrated.
All of this unconscious stuff that we add on top is what causes the issues and when you can look at that with honesty and curiosity about what’s there. What stories, beliefs, thoughts and attitudes are underneath the feelings that’s where you can create huge change.
So much of what we really want in life is about acceptance. We have to accept ourselves, in all our glorious humanity first.
Be kind to yourself today and see what happens!
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
The Power Of One Conversation
The power that just one conversation with the right person can have can be so underestimated and undervalued and under utilised.
So I wanted to talk about it today, consider us in a little (one sided) conversation right now.
There are far too many people bottling things up for fear of judgement from others, their own self judgement of what reaching out to someone ‘means’ (for example, you’re weak or can’t cope yourself)
And that behaviour usually makes perfect sense when you take a little look back over various dynamics when you were growing up.
It can be parents, siblings, teachers, peers.
We learn reasons that it’s not ‘safe’ to talk about our issues. It’s incredibly common.
It might be that you were always the one looking after people so you de-prioritised your own issues. It might be that you were taught you had to be the strong one for whatever reason. SO many things where it would make perfect sense why you’d learn to not share.
If you take a look back please, as always, remember to do it with compassion for yourself and not from a place of judgement, blame or shame. Curiosity is your friend here over judgement.
Now, for context, sharing my problems was something that always came very easily to me.
I’m an Enneagram 6 and I would always talk through any problems I had with other people because it helped me work it through in my mind and it always helped to say it out loud and hear other people’s perspectives.
This is why you always need to look at the nuance of any situation or behaviour because the same behaviour could be a result of totally different circumstances. We’re all individuals and we have to figure out OUR reasons for our programming. You don’t even have to KNOW the reasons to be able to identify the behaviour and change it. I just have found that to be the quickest route to self compassion and shifts in perspective for me, and my clients too.
It can also shift based on your experiences later in life too.
I was in a situation for a long time where I felt like I couldn’t share my problems or what was going on for me.
I couldn’t share what was going on for me for shame, embarrassment, fear of judgement, various stories around how I ‘should’ be able to handle it myself, all the things!
So I didn’t share, I kept it in.
Guess what.
It was the worst thing I could have done and I honestly feel like I lost myself in that way for a number of years.
I’d keep everything to myself and that stress and anxiety would build and build until the inevitable moments where you feel broken and like all hope is lost.
Not fun.
I’m sure lots of you can relate to this.
It’s easily done.
So for me it was a behaviour I unlearned due to circumstance and had to RE-learn.
I had to change my stories around it and I had to put myself out there to change the pattern and make sharing ‘safe’ again.
If it’s a brand new behaviour for you too it will absolutely feel tricky at first to put yourself out there and say, ‘Hey, can I talk to you, I have some stuff going on.’
The people on the other side create stories too.
So this really does work both ways.
You might think that your strong friend not reaching out means they’re totally fine when they might not be.
You might think the person NOT reaching out to you might be being selfish when actually they have their own stuff going on.
So don’t allow the story to take over, ask yourself what else could be going on.
We tend to protect ourselves and assume the worst, but more often than not there’s an explanation and being vulnerable yourself to say, ‘Hey,are you ok?’ instead of going straight to anger, hurt or cutting someone off.
There are also moments where we might isolate ourselves. Sometimes it can feel like you’re incredibly lonely, but you also don’t want to talk to or see anyone.
If I ever feel like this, like I did recently because there’s still quite the roller coaster going on in my world where it feels like limbo at every turn sometimes, I make a conscious effort to reach out to people who feel safe to me because I know how quickly something can turn around with one conversation.
So that’s what I did.
I reached out and said, ‘Hey, I’m struggling a bit at the moment, do you have any time to talk or meet up?’
The trick is to know who your ‘safe’ people are.
It’s easy to find excuses as to why you can’t. When you’re in self preservation mode you’ll always find a really good, rational reason.
That’s the trick sometimes…overriding what our unconscious patterns are telling us are good for us vs consciously knowing what’s best for us.
In the words of Brene Brown, there’s immense power in vulnerability.
You’re 100% allowed human moments!
But as with anything, you have to start small and allow the pattern of safety build up in your brain and nervous system.
That might be reaching out to one friend. It might be a counsellor or therapist, it might be a free service offered by charities like the Samaritans.
Allow yourself to build up the experiences where being honest and vulnerable with someone helps.
The worst thing we can do is allow it to sit there and grow when it doesn’t have to.
One conversation has the power to completely shift your mood, your emotions, your perspective.
One conversation can find you a solution when you couldn’t find one.
One conversation can make you feel validated.
One conversation can help you breathe a sigh of relief or have a much needed release.
One conversation can change everything in an instant.
One conversation can bring you an opportunity.
You just have to be brave and vulnerable and take that first step.
One conversation can create new possibilities that weren’t there before.
One conversation could get you everything you’ve ever wanted.
One conversation can ease your pain.
One conversation can show you all the stories you created to fill in the blanks in your head aren’t true.
One conversation can bring you closer to someone.
I’m sure listening to this you’re thinking of a tonne of conversations you’d like to have and for whatever reason may have stopped yourself.
Communication is everything. It really is the key to having what you want. Yes it won’t always go your way. Yes there might be a little heartbreak or disappointment to contend with from time to time.
But you will learn hugely valuable lessons along the way.
And be honest with yourself, what’s the alternative? What is not reaching out or being brave going to get you?
Probably not much better than more of the same right?
Honesty and communication is a winning combination and it really can just take one conversation to shift everything.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Are You Able To Spot The Metaphors Under Your Nose?
There are powerful metaphors everywhere.
Metaphors have the power to completely shift and change how we see a situation.
Let’s start by defining what a metaphor actually is.
The dictionary defines a metaphor as a way of describing someone or something by showing their similarity with something else.It’s making a point or explaining something by comparing two things that on the surface might not look the same.They can help us connect dots that we aren’t seeing by mapping one experience onto another.
So some common examples might be ‘Time flies when you’re having fun’ or ‘He’s as slow as a snail.’
Metaphors in stories are particularly powerful in helping us understand complex ideas or see how our experience could map across and help us see things in a different way from a more helpful perspective and break down old ways of thinking.
Metaphor is used in so many different healing modalities and therapies, particularly ones that work with language patterns such as hypnotherapy and NLP.
The bottom line is they can be incredibly powerful. And they are everywhere, if we look for them.
So what’s making me want to talk about metaphors today?
I had my own little live action symbolic metaphor moment that made me stop in my tracks, and lol a little bit.
And I wanted to share it with you because I think it can be applied to so many things and in all honesty, this little moment sparked joy for me.
I’m going to tell you about it and also see how many metaphors I can get into my story about my metaphor ha!
If you’ve been with me a while you know i’ve been going through some big, complicated life changes for the last year.
It’s been a rollercoaster.
I’ve been feeling recently like i’ve been a little bit stuck in groundhog day and the light at the end of the tunnel of my situation has been feeling further and further away with setback after setback.
I’m not complaining…it’s been awful but there’s a lot I'm grateful for and I feel like I'm so close to being able to share all my stories and lessons with you and I for one cannot wait for that day.
Anyhoo.
It’s safe to say I've been in the weeds and often feeling like I'm wading through treacle.
Every day I'd wake up and I'd open my curtains. Nothing new. Nothing really to notice.
I have a few plants on my windowsill.
I’m a serial plant killer so I only allow myself to have practically indestructible plants like succulents and I still manage to over or under water.
I’ve also had a white orchid for a number of years and in all honesty, it had seen better days.
The leaves were yellowing and dry and the once proud stem looked like hay with a dead and dried flower at the end.
I had been told more than once that it was dead and I needed to throw it out.
It didn’t look good.
The other day I opened my curtains as usual, nothing different.
And I notice there’s an entirely new stem, as long as the original one, with 7 buds on!
Every single day I had looked directly at it, this thing that looked pretty much dead and hadn’t even spotted the life and the growth that was right in front of my face and it was about to erupt into beautiful flowers.
How could I have not spotted an entire foot's worth of stem when I'm looking at it every single day?
And I realised, how often am I (or we) doing that?
Seeing something every day, thinking it’s dead or on its last legs but actually in the background it’s growing something new and beautiful?
I know I know, I’m feeling existential but it’s true.
How often do we just run on auto pilot and not notice something incredible right in front of our faces?
How often is something amazing happening and growing in the background when all we’re seeing is the doom and gloom or the pain of what isn’t going right for us.
So what can we take from this glorious little piece of symbolism that brightened my day and created an instant shift in what was going on for me.
Can you be patient?
Can you trust that there are positive and beautiful things happening alongside the pain b?
What growth are you not seeing?
What could be blooming where you’re not paying attention?
The funny thing was, and take from this what you will, literally the day after the discovery of me not spotting an entire foot of new growth and 7 budding flowers on my seemingly dead orchid that I look at every day, there was a huge breakthrough in my own life of something that had been growing very quietly and invisibly in the background of something where on the surface all looked lost.
Keep the faith.
Just keep swimming.
Look for those metaphors.
You got this!
Fx
There are powerful metaphors everywhere.
Metaphors have the power to completely shift and change how we see a situation.
Let’s start by defining what a metaphor actually is.
The dictionary defines a metaphor as a way of describing someone or something by showing their similarity with something else.It’s making a point or explaining something by comparing two things that on the surface might not look the same.They can help us connect dots that we aren’t seeing by mapping one experience onto another.
So some common examples might be ‘Time flies when you’re having fun’ or ‘He’s as slow as a snail.’
Metaphors in stories are particularly powerful in helping us understand complex ideas or see how our experience could map across and help us see things in a different way from a more helpful perspective and break down old ways of thinking.
Metaphor is used in so many different healing modalities and therapies, particularly ones that work with language patterns such as hypnotherapy and NLP.
The bottom line is they can be incredibly powerful. And they are everywhere, if we look for them.
So what’s making me want to talk about metaphors today?
I had my own little live action symbolic metaphor moment that made me stop in my tracks, and lol a little bit.
And I wanted to share it with you because I think it can be applied to so many things and in all honesty, this little moment sparked joy for me.
I’m going to tell you about it and also see how many metaphors I can get into my story about my metaphor ha!
If you’ve been with me a while you know i’ve been going through some big, complicated life changes for the last year.
It’s been a rollercoaster.
I’ve been feeling recently like i’ve been a little bit stuck in groundhog day and the light at the end of the tunnel of my situation has been feeling further and further away with setback after setback.
I’m not complaining…it’s been awful but there’s a lot I'm grateful for and I feel like I'm so close to being able to share all my stories and lessons with you and I for one cannot wait for that day.
Anyhoo.
It’s safe to say I've been in the weeds and often feeling like I'm wading through treacle.
Every day I'd wake up and I'd open my curtains. Nothing new. Nothing really to notice.
I have a few plants on my windowsill.
I’m a serial plant killer so I only allow myself to have practically indestructible plants like succulents and I still manage to over or under water.
I’ve also had a white orchid for a number of years and in all honesty, it had seen better days.
The leaves were yellowing and dry and the once proud stem looked like hay with a dead and dried flower at the end.
I had been told more than once that it was dead and I needed to throw it out.
It didn’t look good.
The other day I opened my curtains as usual, nothing different.
And I notice there’s an entirely new stem, as long as the original one, with 7 buds on!
Every single day I had looked directly at it, this thing that looked pretty much dead and hadn’t even spotted the life and the growth that was right in front of my face and it was about to erupt into beautiful flowers.
How could I have not spotted an entire foot's worth of stem when I'm looking at it every single day?
And I realised, how often am I (or we) doing that?
Seeing something every day, thinking it’s dead or on its last legs but actually in the background it’s growing something new and beautiful?
I know I know, I’m feeling existential but it’s true.
How often do we just run on auto pilot and not notice something incredible right in front of our faces?
How often is something amazing happening and growing in the background when all we’re seeing is the doom and gloom or the pain of what isn’t going right for us.
So what can we take from this glorious little piece of symbolism that brightened my day and created an instant shift in what was going on for me.
Can you be patient?
Can you trust that there are positive and beautiful things happening alongside the pain b?
What growth are you not seeing?
What could be blooming where you’re not paying attention?
The funny thing was, and take from this what you will, literally the day after the discovery of me not spotting an entire foot of new growth and 7 budding flowers on my seemingly dead orchid that I look at every day, there was a huge breakthrough in my own life of something that had been growing very quietly and invisibly in the background of something where on the surface all looked lost.
Keep the faith.
Just keep swimming.
Look for those metaphors.
You got this!
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
How To Handle Disappointment
Disappointment is something we have all and will all experience at various points in our lives.
Of course there’s a spectrum of disappointment that can go from not being able to find your favourite snack in the shop to hearing bad news of varying degrees, disappointment from other people, situations and even disappointment in yourself.
It can be that relationship you were hopeful about not working out.
It can be getting a no for something you really wanted.
I don’t need to explain disappointment to you at all. We’ve all been in the trenches.
But I’m still kind of going to anyway!
The dictionary defines disappointment as sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one's hopes or expectations.
I think we can all feel that one!
One of the things I have noticed throughout my years of learning about why we do the things that we do, why we react the way we react and feel the way we feel, how our brain and nervous system contributes to that and how we can learn to work WITH that information, is how much my ability to handle disappointment has changed.
I’m always talking about how feeling our feelings is so important and how what we’re aiming for when we ‘do the work’ on ourselves isn’t to ‘get rid’ of ‘negative’ emotions. Or to avoid them.
But almost learn to befriend them and see them in a different light.
To see negative emotions as part of the human existence that contributes to the sweet sweet polarity of experiencing all the positive emotions too.
To understand them more so we don’t fear them or judge ourselves for having feelings and emotions that make perfect sense!
Disappointment is one of those inevitable emotions.
Can you imagine a world when you were never disappointed…ever?
You might think it would be nice, maybe it would be, but personally it would take some magic out of life for me.
Let me explain why I think that way.
Sometimes you can think something is right for you, you want it, you don’t get it, it stings.
We’ve all been there.
However, these moments tend to be the ones that lead you to something even better. Or in a totally new direction that’s better for you. Or where you learn an incredibly valuable lesson.
It’s always been the case for me.
The last year for me has been full to the brim of disappointments for me.
AND it’s also been full of incredible experiences, deaths and rebirths of my ego aplenty, lots of twists, turns and redirects and as much as it might suck sometimes i’m totally trusting the direction and 100% know that there’s so much beauty, positivity, happiness, joy and all the other good stuff just on the other side.
When it comes to handling disappointment there’s two things to consider.
The short term. What do we actually do in the moment of disappointment?
And there’s the long term. This is what we can do to totally change and shift the way we see and respond to disappointment.
You’ll be unsurprised that it requires both cognitive and somatic angles.
So the thinking stuff and the working with the body stuff!
You’ll also be unsurprised that it involves self awareness and self reflection.
I won’t spend too much on the long term things that will help all your future disappointments because I bang this drum all the time.
You need to be focusing on the things that work with your nervous system to create more ‘flexibility’
If you’d like a deep dive into this please do listen to my interview with Stefan Chmelik, founder of the Sensate.
The more you work to create balance within your nervous system the less reactive you are and the quicker your recovery is…aka…more resilience!
Focusing on breathing techniques like Heartmath, using devices like the Sensate (there’s a discount code in the show notes)meditation, mindfulness, EFT, diet, exercise, sleep. All the key essentials.
So let’s talk short term, you’re in the thick of the disappointment.
First is to of course allow it to be there without judgement. It makes sense that the disappointment would be there. You get to feel it, often disappointment can come with grief too and it’s important that you allow yourself to feel what’s there. (Skip to the episode on feeling your feelings if you need help with understanding some of the tools that can help)
Whether that’s on your own if you feel you have the capacity, with a friend or loved one or a licensed professional. Surround yourself with good people.
You’ll find when you can do that, you’ll be able to take a step back and see the situation more clearly.
You can analyse how you were feeling about that thing happening or not happening in the first place. Did you have real clarity in your mind
Be kind and have self compassion.
It’s always worth checking your expectations vs reality. Was it a realistic outcome? Were you rigid in your thinking? By that I mean, this or NOTHING else thinking.
The next stage is, what do you want to do about it? What do you want your next step to be? Make sure you don’t stay ruminating on it for any longer than is necessary and you take action to move forwards. Whatever you decide for that to look like.
Can you go as far as allowing yourself to be excited about the redirect? If you have beliefs in any sort of ‘higher power’ getting involved, can you trust it?
What could you learn from it?
Is it the kind of disappointment where it would be incredibly helpful to talk to a professional about it?
Can you get yourself back in the game and be open to disappointment knowing that you’re going to be absolutely fine and any future redirects could lead to something positive?
That’s often the hardest thing with disappointment, how we’ll try and protect ourselves from it happening again.
Can you be brave and stay open?
Sometimes hard things happen, and that’s ok. I always love the phrase ‘it’ll be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end’ Kind of says it all really.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Navigating A Career Change When You’re ‘Older’
It can feel tricky when you’ve worked hard to forge a career, you’ve invested time and energy into it, you’ve climbed the ranks.
Then you realise you just really don’t want to do it any more.
Urgh.
Now what.
I do believe this very thing is what creates a lot of the solo business owners we have now.
This comes again from a listener question about navigating this specifically in your late thirties.
And here’s the kicker. If you’re in your late thirties it’s highly likely that what was instilled in you at school was that you decide what you’re going to do for your whole life aged 16-18.
You get the grades, perhaps the degree, you get the job and then you stay there and work your way up.
This is a broken model because the amount we change as humans throughout our lifetime is huge.
You cannot and should not be expected to stick in the same career for your whole life.
It doesn’t take into account any of the nuance of human existence.
Your priorities will change, your values will likely change, What’s most important to you will change, what you actually want to get out of and feel in a career, will change (whether that’s a job or a business, the same applies) YOU will change!
The issue is our beliefs and fears around that change. As usual so much of it comes down to our habitual thinking patterns and belief systems.
For example, if you believe it would be intolerable to have a lower salary or job title…you’ll find it harder.
If you feel that starting at the bottom comes with shame and a feeling of failure, you’ll struggle to do it.
But if you can shift the way you’re looking at it all, guess what happens? It changes what you see.
It’s also not inevitable that changing careers will always mean a step down or change in income. Transferable skills have a lot going for them!
The other issue is that the majority of women will only apply for a job if they tick 100% of the boxes of a job description, whereas Men will give it a go if they only tick a few.
It’s like any change really. What are you making it mean about you?
What can you not tolerate about it?
You may have another 35 years of working ahead of you. You have to be happy doing it, or it has to GIVE you something in return.
You can retrain if you want to.
You can go to or back to university if you want to. A gorgeous friend of mine, Chloe Burroughs, starter her new career and it’s teaching non-traditional students. She literally created a career change to help other, older students change theirs.
If that’s not proof it’s possible I don’t know what is.
Of course there are often other factors at play. If you’re in your late thirties, as my lovely question asker is, there are usually a lot more responsibilities.
There are potentially mortgages and bills.
BUT…i’m a big fan of asking ‘how can i?’. Thinking ok, this isn’t ideal but my happiness and wellbeing are important so what would need to happen and what could happen that means i’d have more flexibility in my finances to change careers.
Of course, this is only if you need that. It’s absolutely possible to do it without having to take a big dip.
Asking yourself and being really clear on what is an essential need vs a want.
Asking yourself and challenging yourself around what would really make you happy.
Asking yourself what assumptions you might be making is also helpful.
It’s a common belief that you need to start at the bottom. You might remember what it was like when you were first starting out. But it is NOT the same situation. Whether you’re learning and starting a new business or a new career you have SO many transferable skills under your belt, it’s totally different.
People in their thirties are actually what Gallup calls the job hopping generation.
Think about who you could talk to in your network who might be a way in.
Think about your passions.
Think about what you really want your ideal day to look like.
How do you want to feel in your career?
Speak to a careers advisor to see if there are careers based on your skills, experience and passions that you might not even know exist!
There are so many avenues to go down and it’s FAR more prevalent than you think.
The biggest thing I see getting in the way is the beliefs around it ‘meaning’ you’re a failure. Or the feeling that you will be judged as not as successful.
Fear of change and risk.
You need to recognise that it could be a complete identity shift in a lot of ways so you’re ego is going to flare up big time.
If you’re thinking you’re too old to change I urge you to seek the many, MANY stories of people who’ve totally started over and thrived in their thirties, forties, fifties and way beyond.
Life it too short to believe you have to stay in an unhappy situation. That leads to so many more problems in the long run. Not to mention the toll it takes on you mentally or physically.
Age ain’t nothin but a number baby! Don’t believe the hype from society. Keep making decisions for you simply as a human being who deserves to be happy and fulfilled.
It’s never too late to make a different choice.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
How Do You ‘Lean Into’ Your Emotions?
You’ve probably heard me talk about how leaning INTO rather than avoiding your emotions is incredibly beneficial and important.
But how do you actually do that?
What does it look like in practice?
This episode comes from a question from a lovely listener on exactly this so I thought I'd dig a little bit deeper with you today.
It’s important to understand that, as with most things, leaning into your emotions is a skill you can learn.
So the first thing to understand is our emotions aren’t really the issue at all.
The issue is our own judgement of our emotions.
Labelling some emotions as ‘good’ and some as ‘bad’ is one of the ways we do this.
The beliefs we have around what it means if we feel things like sadness, anxiety, depression and what we make it mean about us.
Because the reality is, the more you avoid and suppress them, the louder they get.
Perhaps you’ve experienced that before?
Much of this is a learned response from childhood. It might have been that people in a position of authority didn’t know how to handle your big emotions and you were made to suppress them, or even told off for having them, making them be seen as undesirable, inconvenient and leading to not being accepted.
Leaning into your emotions is the very thing that enables them to move through your body and be processed as they should be within a few minutes, rather than still ruminating on them hours, days, weeks or even years later.
So it’s a good skill to learn right?!
So what does it actually mean when we say to lean into your emotions?
Leaning into your emotions means not suppressing or avoiding.
It means really allowing yourself to feel what’s there, without judgement.
It means being able to take a step back, observe and allow.
It means bringing in self-compassion in moments of big emotion.
It means acknowledging that all emotions are part of the human experience.
It means being able to not be consumed by them and decode them as you feel them and allow them to be there.
This is when they move through the body.
An emotion itself only lasts approximately 90 seconds but it’s all the other ‘stuff’ we put on top of that physiological feeling.
If you can stop judging your emotions and making them good, bad, right or wrong and feeling like we should only feel certain emotions and not others…that’s when the magic happens and your emotions no longer control you.
BUT, we have to learn to feel safe expressing our emotions healthily. You might want to do this with a professional so you have a safe space and assistance.
You might feel comfortable doing this on your own or with a trusted friend. It really is up to you. Healing happens in relationship so I would always recommend working with someone else in the beginning.
You’ll find it soon becomes second nature and you’re able to feel far more neutral about what you might previously have perceived as ‘negative’.
It’s not about being consumed by your emotions, it’s letting them be there with curiosity.
Again, what does that mean?!
It means being able to observe what’s going on for you.
What’s going on in your thoughts and what’s going on in your body.
Can you name the emotion?
If so, how do you know that’s what it is? What are the characteristics?
Where do you feel it in your body?
How are you expressing it outwardly to others?
What do you notice about your behaviour and any urges that come up when you either have, or try to avoid and suppress emotions?
For many people it might look like numbing with social media scrolling, food, drink or shopping for example.
Noticing this is a big key to helping you stop avoiding them in the future.
If you can become consciously aware of your own patterns you are able to override them far more easily, meaning you can interrupt and CHANGE the pattern, recode and rewire your brain and nervous system.
Learning emotional regulation tools to help the process of an emotion moving through your body is incredibly helpful.
For me whenever I experience big emotions my personal favourite is a somatic tool, EFT, otherwise known as tapping.
Think of it like acupuncture without the needles where you’re tapping on some key meridian points on your face and body.
It allows the emotion to come up and be processed. It might take a few rounds but you should notice feeling calmer and more regulated.
Reframing negative emotions to be helpful is…well….helpful!
Acknowledging that they have a purpose and a reason for being there and that they make perfect sense can be a game changer.
For example, anxiety is a threat response. In some situations it’s a helpful alert system. Unfortunately for many of us it’s just got wildly out of control.
Sadness can be a cue to people around you for support.
All the usual suspects I talk about a lot are also incredibly helpful in getting you to lean into your emotions and creating that acceptance and allowing for curiosity over judgement.
Journaling, HeartMath or other kinds of breathwork, movement, mindfulness.
Many of these are in The Positive Pants Toolkit too.
So much of life is almost like learning to dance with your emotions.
Not seeing them as an enemy or yourself as a failure for having them.
It’s all part of the beautiful human existence and polarity.
It’s about gratitude.
It sounds so counterintuitive that allowing yourself to ACTUALLY feel your emotions is the very thing that causes more balance, peace, calm.
Talking from my own experience of learning this little dance it’s incredibly freeing.
Like I've said 1000 times before.
It doesn’t mean I don’t have emotions, it means I don’t judge them or myself and they move on so much more quickly and I can find my peace again.
Calm in the chaos.
You just might not have learned it yet, but once you see the shifts and changes happening it’ll become second nature to sit with those emotions and let them move through you.
I hope this helps!
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Things I’m Learning From A Social Media Hiatus
It may or may not have escaped your attention but if you’re on my email list you already know…I missed my first podcast episode since 2018. I totally lost my voice for a whole week…and it’s kind of an essential tool when it comes to recording audio.
But I’m back. Not 100% firing on all cylinders so please forgive me if there’s a cough that I don’t edit out.
But, it’s ended up being a happy turn of events because had I recorded this episode when I was meant to I wouldn’t have had the glorious opportunity to bring the new kid on the block into the mix…Meta’s new social platform, Threads!
The new kid on the block that it feels like EVERYONE is talking about!
And if you haven’t heard, it’s basically Meta’s new version of twitte so i’ll touch on that a little in a moment..
So… for the context of this episode, It may or may not have also escaped your attention but i’ve been on a bit of a social media hiatus for quite some time!
I’ve not really been online at all for a number of months. Either posting or scrolling.
There were various reasons why that started and in all honesty it wasn’t 100% intentional at first. I was just doing what I do and listening to what my mind and body needed in the midst of the chaos I have been managing personally.
In all honesty it’s been one of the best things I’ve done for myself and I want to talk about why i’ve done it and why I think it’s been so good.
If you’ve been listening for a while you’ll know that the last year has been quite the personal rollercoaster. Which annoyingly I still can’t really talk about yet but ohhh it’ll be worth it when I can. There have been SO many lessons learned and SO much growth.
However, it has meant that I have felt like I can’t really show up and be authentic on social media most of the time. If I can’t be totally authentic I honestly don’t see the point.
If i’m not having fun with it and being genuine I’d just rather not in all honesty. In spite of any ramifications in terms of audience and revenue and all that stuff.
I’m all for being a human being first!
I’m still showing up on my emails every single Wednesday and here every Monday…obviously you know that because you’re listening.
Because those two places feel good and authentic to me right now.
I’ve always done my best to make sure that anything I put out is authentic to me at that time and I don’t want to feel like i’m hiding things because at the end of the day this whole podcast is about being able to share lessons and knowledge around how to live better, think better and behave better as a human right?
There’s also some very ‘practical’ reasons, which will eventually all become clear, as to why I haven’t wanted to be online.
You have to think about what social media is training into your brain.
It’s training you to have a shorter and shorter attention span.
It’s getting you addicted to the little dopamine hits that come with likes and follows and a feeling of inclusion and belonging.
It’s also getting you addicted when that DOESN’T happen too.
It’s training you into distraction and procrastination.
It’s training you to not be present.
It’s training you to use significant amounts of your precious time doing essentially nothing and then feel like you don’t have any left.
It’s training you to not be out in nature, with people, reading books, to be removed from what’s going on where and when you actually are!
It’s training you to value the thoughts of people you’ve never met before over your own.
And I feel like I have all of this back, which is glorious.
I feel more balanced, calm, in control.
Now all this sounds super ominous and it is, IF you’re not consciously aware of how you choose to use and engage with it because lets be honest, for all it’s faults it can be fun.
Social media can connect you to people you wouldn’t have been able to be connected with previously.
As a child of the 80s and 90s I remember what it was like not having that. A time before mobile phones and the era of snail mail.
I remember what it meant if friends moved away or if you moved schools etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful I experienced it and grew up in that environment. I’m simply saying I CAN see the benefits in SPITE of the negatives.
With social media and the interwebs it means you can stay connected to people far away. You can connect to people with similar interests from across the globe. You can have long distance relationships etc etc.
So there ARE positives.
You have to be intentional when using and prioritising your energy and emotional resources.
It’s so important. You can very easily LOSE yourself to the dopamine hits on social media.
I’ve seen a lot of celebrities and influencers come out and talk about the negative effect that feeling like they have to be online ALL the time is having on them.
How other people’s opinions are affecting them negatively…because let’s be honest, social media really can be the cesspit of human behaviour at times.
So knowing how and when to protect yourself is essential.
You’re a human being, not a robot, and it’s SO important to be able to listen to your mind and body and do what’s right for you. Often that means a break.
I’ve seen lots of celebrities and influencers taking breaks and coming back when they feel better in themselves and i’m glad they’re modelling that. So i’d love for you to see that as evidence that the world doesn’t implode if you do what’s right for you.
Yes of course it likely means a drop in stats, maybe even income. But if you have your ducks in a row then weigh up what’s more worth itand/or important in the long term for you.
There’s no judgement to be made either way if you’re not judging yourself for it.
We only fear the judgements we’re already making ourselves, so get that in check and you’ll be able to make much clearer decisions.
This is, guess what…where self awareness comes into play! Shock horror.
If you know what your values and priorities REALLY are it makes it so much easier. This includes all the unconscious ‘stuff’ at play behind your decisions.
What feels authentic and GOOD to you?
How do you measure success?
How do you measure worth?
Where do you see your mental and physical health in your priorities?
If you need a break, take a break.
Figure out how you can make it happen.
Monitor the changes in you.
Go back if and when you feel like it.
Then we briefly need to have a little chat about Threads really don’t we.
The success of Threads so far shows that people are craving change.
It’s slightly unnerving how many people are talking about how it’s more fun over there and they feel like they can be themselves rather than a curated version of that.
It’s good that that feeling of safety is over there for now but I think that also tells you a heck of a lot about how much is being forced and fake over on other platforms, which is definitely food for thought!
So with Threads, don’t feel like you have to jump on the bandwagon or you’ll feel left behind.
Be aware of the addictive dopamine that will be coming out to play.
Notice how you feel when using or perusing.
Does it feel fun and expansive?
Does it feel authentic to you?
If you’re having fun, have fun.
If you’re not, leave.
So much of our happiness in this life comes from our own conscious awareness of ourselves. Our behaviour, thoughts and feelings.
The same is absolutely true of social media.
Don’t beat yourself up for giving yourself what you need and being honest about what you don’t.
For me it’s been one of the best things i’ve given myself permission to do.
It’s made a world of difference and increased certain thingsin my life like presence, authenticity, calm, time, peace and so much more at a time when all of those things were needed. It feels like the definition of staying in your own lane.
It might give you something different.
It’s all about intention.
I’ve absolutely zero interest in any falseness or fakery of any kind. It’s not something I like or am comfortable with in my world.
I’ve joined Threads to see if it will be a place with more authenticity and maybe i’ll find it fun and dip my toe back in the water. Who knows. That’s the beauty. You get to choose.
I’m loving knowing that i’m the one in control of my boundaries, time and energy and I get to choose to go back if and when feels right for me.
And in the meantime i’m going to enjoy the connection I feel here and over on my email list.
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Other People’s Behaviour Isn’t A Reflection On You
One of the things I get asked so often is about dealing with other people.
How can we change their behaviour or how their behaviour is making a person feel.
What we really need to control is our reaction to it.
And seek to understand it. Not condone it…understand it. Often that in itself takes out the sting.
While it’s true that other people’s behaviour is far more about them than it is you, there is one caveat I'd like to make.
It may be reflecting something back TO you, which is where the self awareness I’m always talking about comes into play.
And what other people’s behaviour may be reflecting back to you is something that needs healing within yourself.
It may be reflecting back your own feelings of worth and what you deserve.
Which isn’t fun!
BUT…when we catch it, that’s when we can do something with it.
The question then becomes, ‘what lesson do I need to learn from this interaction or what is being reflected here that is actually my own belief about myself.’
Big questions to ask but super important.
When you learn to ask these kinds of questions without judgement, blame or shame then that’s where the magic can start to happen.
There can be so many feelings associated when you ‘allow’ someone to treat you badly.
You might feel angry, hurt, betrayed, foolish, blame yourself…so…many…feelings.
But it happens to all of us at some point.
Whether it’s a client, a friend, a partner, whatever the context, we’ve all let people in who have turned out to be not exactly who they claimed to be at the start.
Or who have treated us in ways that resulted in us feeling less than or awful about ourselves.
And it can be incredibly painful.
Especially when we didn’t see it coming.
And in these situations it’s FAR too easy to blame yourself for that person's behaviour towards you.
‘Why didn’t I see it?’
‘What does it say about me that I didn’t see it?’
‘Maybe I deserved it.’
‘Was it all a complete lie?’
But that’s a double whammy right?!
You’ve been treated badly by someone else, and now you’re treating yourself badly!
No wonder you feel like you can’t catch a break.
It’s important to be open to learning new ways of doing things yourself. Unlearning YOUR old patterns and reactions.
This is something I'm doing myself in real time at the moment and it’s definitely challenging at times but also feels really good.
I’m pretty well wired to sit in discomfort these days and knowing that the good stuff is around the corner.
I know it’s good for me and I know it’s wiring new neural pathways that are probably far healthier.
Even though it might register as unsafe because it’s new and unfamiliar.
But I'm open to it and here for it!
When you allow new interactions to teach you something new you don’t ever go back to how you were. It’s new information that’s being encoded into your brain and nervous system.
I used to get so hurt and upset by other people’s behaviour towards me and really went heavy on the self blame and lack of self worth.
That’s very different now.
I know different now.
Even when someone REALLY lets you down it’s easier to handle.
Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, of course it does.
It doesn’t mean there’s no anger and frustration, of course there is.
But I also know it’s not about me.
And even when it might be annoying to do so…compassion for the other person can still be found if you want to find it.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Wounded people tend to be the ones to create wounds in others.
You cannot control the other person’s behaviour.
You cannot control the way someone decides to judge you or see you.
You cannot control the narrative they choose to create.
None of this is within your control.
It’s not a reflection on you if someone behaves badly towards you, it’s on them.
It’s not your ‘fault’ and you’re not to ‘blame’.
Ask yourself the necessary self awareness questions about what it may be highlighting for you to work on in terms of your own healing and how you see yourself.
Hold your head high in the situation.
The more you know yourself deeply, the easier this is.
When you know in your core you’re a good person. You know your worth. You know your values. You’ll find the less other people’s behaviour will affect you.
That’s what you have control over and that’s where you can create some real change.
If you’ve been in a situation where there has been any sort of abuse this may take a little longer and I highly recommend getting some professional support too but it’s so possible.
Hindsight is a marvellous thing, once you’re out of the situation. When you’re in it it can feel all consuming and confusing and overwhelming and it can be hard to see the woods for the trees.
But it’s absolutely possible to heal, take the lessons, be able to take any responsibility that’s yours to take (very important you understand responsibility is NOT blame!) understand yourself more deeply and not get yourself into a similar situation again.
It was never your fault, or a reflection on you.
Some people are deeply wounded themselves and those wounds can hurt others. It doesn’t matter the situation. This could be clients, colleagues, loved ones, partners, friends.
Some of the worst situations I've been in where people have treated me badly, although painful, have created who I am today.
I won’t tolerate behaviour today that I would have even a few months ago. I’m quicker to learn.
It doesn’t mean no one will ever hurt you again. That’s just part of a richly human life!
It doesn’t mean no one will ever lie to you about who they are and you won’t see it coming again.
It doesn’t mean you’re going to find it easy to trust people or let them in straight away.
It doesn’t mean any of that and that’s not what we’re aiming for.
What we’re aiming for is for you to KNOW it’s not about you.
To not take on other people’s bad behaviour or toxic ‘stuff’ as YOUR ‘stuff’.#
To know yourself on such a deep level that you have unshakable confidence on WHO you are…while also knowing you’re always improving, growing and learning and never a finished product. Your feelings might get hurt…but your self-worth stays totally intact.
To know that it’s not a BAD thing to want to see the best in people.
To be able to do the necessary self awareness and healing work when it comes up.
You might just come out the other side as the best version of yourself!
Fx
-
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at [email protected] with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
You Get To Be Picky!
You get to be picky about who and what you allow in your life.
True story.
One I had to learn for myself in many, many ways!
With friends, in relationships, situations I would constantly find myself repeating.
Urgh…we’ve all been there!
And the beauty is you’ll always be learning.
I’m constantly surprising myself on the daily with some of this stuff ha!
All those little ‘ooooh I wouldn’t have said or done THAT before’ moments that make the hard work worth it.
Of course sometimes there’s going to be less of a choice in what you can be picky about, that’s always going to be the case, but often there’s MORE of one that we’re not allowing ourselves to see.
So many of us were taught as kids to ‘do as we’re told’ and if we didn’t there would be negative consequences.
We might have been taught we have to be polite or else there’s negative consequences.
We might have been taught we have to spend time with people we don’t want to.
Play nice with people who don’t play nice with us.
Like people because we’ve been told we should or have to. Maybe because they’re in our family or family friends circle.
You might have literally just been taught it’s not good, or desirable to be ‘picky’ about anything! Think of phrases like ‘you get what you’re given’.
It’s important to caveat this, like I do everytime I talk about the things that we learn as kids, this along with many other things has always been considered totally ‘normal’ for want of a better word.
It can be very innocent and no harm intended and remember people are only ever doing their best based on the resources and awareness they have themselves. So we steer clear of blaming and shaming anyone else in our quest for what I call ‘the great unlearn’!
We have to unlearn a huge amount of what we were taught as kids because it’s not relevant, or helpful now as adults. And often completely untrue as adults.
And we do that piece by piece, not in one go.
This is where the self awareness work becomes so important, so we make sure we’re looking at it from the perspective of ‘ohhhh this is why I think or do that, that makes total sense’.
It becomes ‘yeay me and my brain and nervous system for protecting me!’
Instead of judging ourselves or anyone else.
And this little piece is one of those such things.
You get to be picky about who and what you allow into your space, into your energy to take your time.
You get to do that.
If you have a boss you don’t like or get on with, can you change teams or move companies?
You get to be picky about who is in your friendship circle.
You get to be picky about your relationships. On this one it’s worth noting there is far more to breaking ingrained patterns than simply cognitively knowing or telling yourself you get to choose. It definitely requires work. But that’s all part of the choice you’re making to not repeat the same patterns and to change the game in your own life.
You get to be picky about your environment.
You get to be picky about who you allow to take up space in your life.
You get to be picky about the clients you take on.
You get to be picky about whose company you keep.
It’s being able to say, ok, I don’t like this, what CAN I do about it?
I’m not saying the options are always ideal, or easy, and of course privilege is always going to help in all areas, but they are options and you’re capable of incredible things.
The problems come when we don’t think we have options. Because you’re not going to make peace with that. You’ll feel that sense of injustice. But once you see that you can make a decision, and it’s more within your control…it changes the game in terms of how you feel day to day.
I always think it’s a good idea to do little ‘audits’ of these things.
Who or what has a positive influence in your life.
Who or what has a negative influence in your life.
Who or what doesn’t bring nor take away.
Then get picky about how much time you spend in each!
On the tasks, in the places, with the people.
When you do the work around this and you grow in your own worth, values and boundaries, just watch how quickly the right people come into your life.
Watch how your relationships transform.
Watch how every area of your life improves.
You can’t do any of it without awareness of your own patterns.
If you don’t do it you’re just going to repeat the same patterns of familiarity, which for most of us, don’t tend to be good for us.
Seek support.
Seek the stories of other people going through similar things.
Seek the stories of triumph over adversity.
Seek the experiences that prove your current beliefs wrong and allow you to relax into yourself and rewire old traumas and patterns with the new information.
That’s the good stuff.
Fx
- Montre plus
