Episodes
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In this special live Q&A episode, Melissa, Drew, and Julie reflect on their transformative journey through 20 sessions of couples therapy. Hear why Melissa and Drew chose to take part in this experience, their initial anxieties, and what they gained along the way. They share insights into their progress, areas they’re still working on, and moments that didn’t make it onto the podcast.
Julie also dives deeper into the principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), explaining why her approach avoids conflict during sessions and fosters healing and connection instead. With thoughtful audience questions from the community, this episode offers a behind-the-scenes look at the breakthroughs, struggles, and lessons learned.
Join us in celebrating Melissa and Drew’s vulnerability and growth, and stay tuned for Season 2, launching this January.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. Visit Julie's website The Secure Relationship for all information on upcoming workshops and access to resources. Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Julie works with Drew and Melissa in their final therapy session, focusing on Drew's shame and self-acceptance. The session aims to help Drew accept himself even when his anxieties lead to imperfect behavior. Julie explains that self-acceptance—recognizing one's worth despite mistakes—is crucial for breaking the cycle of shame, which can trigger avoidant behavior and emotional withdrawal from Melissa.
Julie starts by helping Drew see the positive intentions behind his need for order, acknowledging that his perfectionism is not all negative. By celebrating this strength, Julie helps Drew open up to confronting the underlying shame. This work is particularly crucial in breaking the couple's negative cycles and building more secure attachment. When Drew can accept himself, even in moments of imperfection, it allows for better emotional connection and co-regulation between him and Melissa, which is the ultimate goal of their 20-session journey.
The session also explores how both Drew and Melissa can reassure each other during moments of imperfection, emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance for their emotional growth as a couple and their progress toward a more secure, co-regulated relationship.
Melissa and Drew will join us for a live Q&A session on Monday, December 2, at 2 PM Pacific (5 PM Eastern). Don’t miss this opportunity to learn directly from their experience. Tune in next week to hear their reflections and advice!
Register here: The Secure Love Podcast Q&A With Melissa and Drew
As we look forward to Season 2 with Bethany and Brian in January, take a moment to support this podcast by leaving a five-star review on Apple or Spotify. Together, we can spread these tools and help more couples thrive.
Thank you for listening and for joining us on this transformative journey with Melissa and Drew.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. Visit Julie's website The Secure Relationship for all information on upcoming workshops and access to resources. Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
Episodes manquant?
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This week on the Secure Love Podcast the focus continues on Melissa’s experience as the anxious partner and her journey toward self-acceptance. The episode explores Melissa’s struggle to believe she can be loved—even with her fears and imperfections. Guided by Julie, Melissa begins to understand that true love, both from herself and from Drew, must include even the most anxious parts of who she is.
Julie delves into the connection between Melissa’s childhood attachment wounds and her past relationship patterns, which have fueled her fears and perfectionism. As Melissa works on self-regulation and self-compassion, she starts to let go of the exhausting pursuit of perfection, moving closer to fully embracing her authentic self.
While Melissa’s personal growth takes center stage, Julie also supports Drew in providing reassurance that speaks to Melissa’s core fears. Together, they learn how to balance emotional self-reliance with mutual support, showing that security in a relationship is built on both individual growth and shared effort.
Through their openness and vulnerability, Melissa and Drew demonstrate the transformative power of self-acceptance and secure attachment, showing that even anxious parts of ourselves can be embraced within a loving partnership.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno focuses on Melissa’s anxious attachment style, exploring her emotional regulation challenges and the roots of her people-pleasing tendencies. Julie addresses Melissa’s need to create ideal family experiences, illustrated by her high expectations for a recent Halloween outing. Drew’s contrasting laid-back parenting style sparked conflict, revealing Melissa's struggle when he doesn’t match her enthusiasm.
Julie encourages Melissa to reflect on how her anxiety may contribute to Drew’s disengagement, pushing her to recognize and take ownership of her role in their relationship dynamics. Julie challenges Melissa to develop self-soothing skills, instead of relying solely on Drew for emotional validation, and to create space for Drew’s parenting differences. By encouraging Melissa to manage her expectations and anxieties, Julie aims to help her break negative patterns and foster greater self-confidence and emotional independence.
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In this revealing episode of the Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno explores the intricate balance of emotional engagement and self-regulation in relationships through the lens of real-life couple Melissa and Drew. This session represents a significant breakthrough for the couple, as the conflict surrounding their differing emotional responses has been at the center of their negative cycle.
The episode revolves around a recent incident involving their son, who exhibited a behavioral tic during dinner. This situation prompted contrasting reactions: Melissa sought immediate emotional validation and support from Drew, while Drew took a more measured approach, suggesting they observe the situation before reacting. Julie points out many anxious partners, like Melissa's deep need for emotional reassurance sometimes leads to a hyper focus on their own feelings—making the situation feel all about "me, me, me." In doing so, she struggles to recognize Drew’s emotional needs and the potential benefits of temporarily leaning out from emotional reactions.
Through this dialogue, Melissa and Drew learn that navigating their differences requires compromise and empathy. By acknowledging and valuing each other’s approaches to handling emotional situations, they take meaningful steps toward a more balanced relationship dynamic. This breakthrough reinforces the idea that both emotional engagement and the ability to lean out are essential for fostering understanding and connection in their partnership.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie Menanno explores the complex communication patterns between Melissa, the anxious partner, and her husband Drew. Melissa’s deep-rooted anxieties about Drew’s desire to be social resurface, causing her to feel as though he’s choosing connections outside of their family over her and the kids. Julie guides Melissa through understanding how past moments, such as when Drew was emotionally unavailable during difficult times, have shaped her current fears and triggered a recurring negative cycle whenever Drew appears distant or seeks social time apart.
As Melissa unpacks her need for Drew’s reassurance, Julie helps her identify what she truly wants to hear from him to feel secure. Through this process, Melissa realizes that in these moments, she craves Drew’s affirmation that he’s present and committed to their relationship, even when things are hard. Julie emphasizes the importance of clearly communicating these needs, allowing Drew to offer the reassurance that Melissa seeks, rather than sending mixed messages that lead to misunderstanding.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, couples therapist Julie Menanno focuses on Drew, the avoidant partner in his relationship with Melissa, as they continue working through disconnection issues in their marriage. The episode highlights a recurring tension between Drew’s desire to spend time with friends and Melissa’s longing for him to connect with her and their children first. As the primary caretaker, Melissa finds it difficult to step away from her responsibilities and struggles with accepting different parenting styles within the relationship. This tension often leads to frustration and resentment on her part.
Drew, on the other hand, feels guilty for wanting to be social, as he sees no harm in spending time with friends. In this session, Julie shifts the focus to Drew’s experience, helping him tap into the frustration and unexpressed anger he feels in these moments of disconnection. While Melissa often voices her resentment, Drew has rarely named his own anger, struggling to express it because he associates anger with being out of control and saying things he doesn’t mean.
Julie guides Drew to see that his anger in this situation is valid and that there is room for his own healthy anger their marriage. By acknowledging and expressing it constructively, Drew can better address the disconnect between himself and Melissa.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno continues working with Melissa and Drew, building on their previous session. The couple reflects on a recent incident during their vacation where Melissa’s bid for connection at dinner went unanswered, triggering a familiar negative cycle and leading to her protest behavior.
This episode focuses on Drew’s perspective. He shares how the disconnect at dinner, combined with Melissa's protest, led him into his own negative cycle of frustration and fear of prolonged disconnection. Drew describes the emotional and physical toll of the situation, referring to a "knot in his stomach" and the overall feeling of "agony" from not being able to articulate himself well in the moment.
Julie helps them navigate these feelings, encouraging Drew to lean into vulnerability and sit with the discomfort. She explains that the knot in his stomach holds wisdom, guiding him on how to move through difficult moments and reconnect with Melissa.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie explores the challenges Melissa and Drew face during their anniversary trip. Despite overall enjoyment, the couple encounters difficulties in connecting, highlighting the complexities of transitioning from daily responsibilities to relaxation. Melissa struggles to unwind and feels disconnected from Drew, who seems more at ease. As listeners, we might consider: How do we handle the shift from our usual routines to moments of leisure with our partners? Do we find ourselves, like Melissa, struggling to relax, or like Drew, easily disconnecting from daily stressors?
The episode delves into the concept of dropped bids for connection, examining how small moments of disconnection can escalate into larger issues. Melissa's attempts to engage Drew are met with resistance, leading to feelings of rejection and ultimately, protest. This pattern raises important questions for reflection: How do we respond to our partner's bids for connection? Are we aware of the signals we're sending when we decline these bids? And when our attempts at connection are unsuccessful, do we, like Melissa, resort to protest as a last resort to be seen and heard? Julie emphasizes that while protest isn't ideal, it often serves as the only effective method for some partners to gain engagement, highlighting the need for clearer communication and more authentic responses in relationships
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode, host Julie Menanno delves into the evolving dynamics of Melissa and Drew's marriage as they navigate the life-altering effects of parenthood. After 12 therapy sessions, the couple has made strides in breaking free from negative communication patterns, but challenges still arise around their differing needs for social time.
Melissa, a stay-at-home mom, opens up about the insecurities and frustrations that come with her role, feeling like her personal sacrifices go unnoticed as she devotes herself to their family. When Drew mentions his desire to hang out with friends and potentially take trips—like one to Vegas—Melissa feels overwhelmed and unappreciated, her insecurities amplified by the freedom Drew seems to have.
Julie helps the couple explore how the unspoken pressures of motherhood can shift relationship dynamics and create emotional disconnects. Through constructive dialogue, both partners learn to validate each other's needs while addressing the vulnerabilities that have shaped their current struggles. The episode encourages listeners to reflect on how societal expectations around motherhood can influence marital dynamics—and why open, empathetic communication is key to bridging those gaps.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, Drew confronts his deep-seated feelings of shame, tracing their roots back to childhood experiences, including a pivotal moment at a baseball game when his father left him. This incident instilled a belief of inadequacy that resurfaces in his present-day struggles, particularly regarding anxiety about new work conditions. Drew expresses fears of needing to "reprove" himself, which amplifies his feelings of failure and shame.
Under Julie's guidance, Drew begins to articulate these emotions and recognizes the importance of being vulnerable with Melissa, despite his tendency to avoid such discussions. This session marks a significant milestone in their therapy journey, as Julie notes that it may be the last deep dive into Drew's shame, indicating his progress in being fully present with his struggles. The couple's evolving dynamic highlights the shift from avoidance to emotional connection, setting the stage for a more secure relationship.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. Sign up now for Julie's upcoming Couples Workshop this Saturday, September 28th: Healing Together Workshop For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, host and couples therapist Julie Menanno focuses on Melissa, the anxious partner in her relationship with Drew. Melissa feels an overwhelming sense of "getting it wrong" in her interactions with him. As Melissa navigates these vulnerable feelings, Julie guides her out of intellectualizing emotions and into truly experiencing them. Through the session, Julie points out how Melissa's tendency to process feelings in her head can act as a defense mechanism against deeper pain, stemming from a fear of rejection and loneliness.
As Melissa opens up, Julie reassures Drew's presence, ensuring he is a co-regulating force for Melissa's emotions. She emphasizes how Drew, though supportive, needs to work on acknowledging Melissa's feelings without jumping into his own discomfort or trying to fix them immediately. For those listening, Julie encourages self-validation by staying with difficult emotions, rather than rushing to intellectualize or dismiss them. The key takeaway: in relationships, partners should make space for each other's feelings before attempting to address or resolve them. This process not only deepens emotional intimacy but also helps build secure attachment over time.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode, Drew and Melissa share the challenges they faced during a 10-hour road trip to a family beach vacation with their three kids. Surrounded by 30 family members, they found themselves under constant scrutiny. While trying to ensure their kids had a good time, they also struggled with unsolicited comments that made them question their parenting skills. Melissa felt the sting of disconnection when Drew chose to escape the stressful situation by spending time with less challenging family members. This left her feeling unsupported, leading her to question her worth and effectiveness as a parent. The couple grappled with why they cared so much about the opinions of others and how they could have better navigated the situation.
Julie offers insightful feedback, emphasizing that their struggle in this case isn't about their parenting but rather how they respond to challenges together. She highlights the importance of coming together as a team, even briefly, to get on the same page in difficult moments. The episode underscores the value of choosing connection over avoidance and the power of being present with your partner, especially when facing external pressures.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this episode, Drew, the avoidant partner in his relationship with Melissa, begins to confront his deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and shame. Drew's inner critic, which has driven him to seek perfection and self-improvement, also caused emotional pain and isolation. As he starts to unravel these complex feelings, he struggles to articulate them but makes significant progress in acknowledging their impact on his life and relationship.
Julie’s guidance helps Drew understand that these negative beliefs don’t define him and encourages him to be vulnerable, even if it’s not perfectly expressed. This shift is crucial for Drew, who has often avoided confronting these emotions. Melissa’s empathetic response underscores the importance of mutual support and understanding in a relationship. Their interaction highlights a move from old patterns of avoidance and self-criticism to a more connected and secure relationship.
Have you ever faced challenges with vulnerability in your relationship, especially as an avoidant partner? How might addressing these deep-seated feelings impact your connection with others? This episode offers insights into transforming avoidance into meaningful emotional engagement.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this week’s episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Melissa and Drew face the ongoing challenge of truly understanding each other’s emotional states. Although the couple has acknowledged they've made tremendous progress, they still have their moments of disconnect. While Drew claims he’s happy, Melissa senses something off in his body language and expressions, stirring doubts rooted in past misunderstandings.
Ever felt like you and your partner were just not on the same page despite reassurances? Melissa’s struggle with trusting Drew’s assurances highlights a deep-seated fear of disconnect that many couples may find familiar.
The scene unfolds on a typical evening: Drew is ready to relax, scrolling through scores on his phone, while Melissa seeks a meaningful check-in. This disconnect spirals into a minor flare-up, resolved on the surface but leaving underlying issues untouched. Melissa fears pushing Drew away by expressing her needs, while Drew feels inadequate, unable to validate her and constantly fearing the loss of his bond with Melissa despite his efforts. Although uncommunicated, they both share the same fear of losing each other.
Julie steps in to help them articulate and validate their needs. But can they bridge the gap between fear and reassurance in their relationship?
How do you handle emotional discrepancies with your partner? Join Melissa and Drew as they navigate the complexities of connection and fear, seeking a path to deeper understanding and validation.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this week's episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Melissa and Drew recount a transformative moment from their Fourth of July weekend. Picture this: amidst the typical holiday stress, a disagreement escalates in front of their kids. Instead of spiraling further, they pause and ask each other, "Hey, can we try this again?" It's a simple question, but one that marks a significant milestone in their journey.
This episode not only celebrates Melissa and Drew's progress but also takes a deeper dive into Drew's role as the avoidant partner. Why focus on Drew? Because avoidant partners often struggle longer with processing and communicating their emotions. Julie probes with questions like, "How long have you walked around trying to get everything right?" and "How are you supposed to help Melissa with her anxiety when you’ve never had help with yours?"
Drew shares a powerful realization: "I’ve never had help in that arena…" This acknowledgment opens up discussions about the challenges of growing up with parents who, despite their best efforts, weren't always emotionally available. Drew traces the roots of his anxiety back to having to regulate his emotions alone from a young age.
Julie guides Drew through understanding the pain beneath the pressure he feels, introducing him to a new kind of difficulty: touching the pain underneath all that pressure. For Melissa, understanding the reasons behind Drew’s avoidant nature brings a huge sense of relief and a pathway to true co-regulation.
As they navigate these revelations, how does it change their dynamics? Could understanding and addressing these deep-seated issues be the key to breaking their negative cycles for good? How do you handle the uncovering of deep-seated personal struggles in your relationships?
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
This week's episode of The Secure Love Podcast opens with Drew reflecting on the early years of their marriage. His reflection leads to a heartfelt apology to Melissa for not showing up the way she needed, eliciting both an emotional reaction and a tremendous sense of relief for her. This moment of understanding and Drew's willingness to own his part in their past disconnect highlights his growth, yet Julie points out that this is still within the bounds of their 'negative cycle'. Drew's efforts, though well-intentioned, stem from a partial grasp of the underlying issues, including his unprocessed grief, fears about loss, and struggles with vulnerability.
Julie guides the couple through understanding how Drew's past experiences of loss and his inability to seek help have shaped his responses to Melissa's needs. In this episode, we also hear from Julie's longtime colleague, George Faller, who provides insight into what Drew has been experiencing. Although Drew apologized to Melissa for not being emotionally available in those early years, George highlights that Drew hasn't had much experience sharing his emotions, which also means he doesn't have much experience having his own emotions validated.
Make no doubt about it, Drew's apology and acknowledgment is huge for their relationship. However, as the avoidant partner, what will it take for Drew to truly connect with his deepest fears and embrace vulnerability.
As the episode unfolds, Julie challenges Drew to genuinely connect with his deeper fears and insecurities. This pivot in therapy aims to equip Drew with the tools to support Melissa more effectively, acknowledging that truly supportive relationships require both partners to engage deeply with their own vulnerabilities.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In today's episode of the Secure Love Podcast, we dive into Part 1 of a compelling two-part series exploring deep-rooted challenges in Melissa and Drew's relationship. Reflecting on last week's chaos when Drew returned to a patio strewn with toys, Melissa revisits her feelings of frustration. She was ready to support Drew, but his withdrawn demeanor left her feeling helpless and disconnected.
This moment of disconnect isn't isolated—it harks back to a critical time in their relationship when their son was hospitalized in the ICU, a situation fraught with stress and uncertainty. During this intense period, Drew had just started a new job, adding another layer of strain. Melissa feels they've never fully recovered from this emotional distance that began then.
In this episode, Julie works with Melissa to identify and dissect these cycles of disconnect and triggering events that trace back to their past. It's a deep dive into the origins of their attachment clashes, revealing how past traumas continue to influence their present interactions.
Next week, in Part 2, we'll be joined by guest therapist George Faller, one of Julie's long-standing colleagues, who will provide further analysis from Drew's perspective.
Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle with your partner that seems to echo past conflicts? How do you navigate the complex interplay of past and present in your relationships? Join us as we explore these questions, offering insights and reflections that might just resonate with your own experiences. Tune in to unravel the roots of Melissa and Drew's challenges and find keys to fostering a deeper connection.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
In this week's episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Melissa and Drew dive into a common household challenge that many parents face: the chaos that greets them at the end of a long workday. Drew comes home from a demanding day at work, only to find his kids throwing toys across the patio and being a bit more rowdy than he anticipated. In these situations, Drew wishes he could ease into his evening, but is frustrated by the commotion, leading him to irritation and a tendency to shut down.
Melissa shares her side, explaining how in tune she is with her emotions and how challenging it is when she can't understand what's going on with Drew. Despite being empathetic to his long day, she also feels like, "well I’ve had a long day too.”
Julie guides them to understand that both their feelings are valid, but timing and mutual support are key. They discuss the importance of holding space for each other, even when both are hurting. It’s about finding a balance and sometimes literally just going one person at a time and working together as a team through the everyday chaos.
How do you handle these stressful moments in your relationship? Do you find it challenging to support each other when both of you are exhausted?
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. Visit Julie's website The Secure Relationship for all information on upcoming workshops and access to resources. Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime -
This week on the Secure Love Podcast, Melissa and Drew share their breakthroughs and real-life applications of their therapy work with Julie Menanno. They've been learning to identify and break their negative cycles, but as always, the journey is full of ups and downs.
Imagine this: one of their twin boys slams his brother's hand in the door, leading to a frantic trip to the hospital. While Drew is at a work event, Melissa is left to handle the chaos alone. When she reaches out to Drew for help, they find themselves in a classic anxious-avoidant clash.
Melissa, feeling the urgency of the moment, needs immediate emotional validation. For her, addressing the issue right away is crucial, as waiting can make her feel like her emotions are being dismissed. On the other hand, Drew prefers to process things and discuss them later when emotions have cooled down. Can you see how this disconnect creates tension?
In these situations, Melissa often feels like a failure as a mom and wife. She battles dark thoughts, wondering if Drew and the kids might be better off without her. It's a heartbreaking struggle many can relate to.
Join us as we explore how Melissa and Drew navigate these intense moments, using the tools they've learned in therapy. How do they manage to connect despite their differing styles? And what can we learn from their journey to help in our own relationships? This episode is a powerful reminder that progress is possible, even when the road is tough.
Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. Visit Julie's website The Secure Relationship for all information on upcoming workshops and access to resources. Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime - Montre plus
