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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:
How do I tread the line between being a trigger for my husband and still being sexy and flirty? I used to love wearing lingerie type nightgowns and throughout the day send messages to my husband about plans for our sexy time. But now Iām scared that if I send him a text like this, it will make him have sexual thoughts and he will have urges to act out.When people act out sexually, what are they looking for? (Bondage, role playingā¦ how exotic are we talking?) What does the average couple feel comfortable with sexually?My body desires sex each month after my period. The rest of the month is a huge struggle with mental roadblocks, no physical desire, not feeling safe to engage, or a wall over my heart. I have been struggling to figure out if itās hormones, betrayal trauma related, or a mixture of both. Why does this happen and how can I move toward having more sexual freedom?Find this and all episodes on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@_UnfilteredPodcast/videos
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:
I'm the addict spouse, and I've had a porn addiction since I was 11 years old (I'm 26 now). I've struggled with sexual addiction well before my wife and I met. I'm in recovery and making progress, but itās still a very present struggle. How do I lead in my marriage when I feel like I'm not good enough in this area? Or perhaps from my wife's perspective, how can a wife follow a husband who struggles with addiction when it feels like she's the one who's more mature?What are some good indications of faked recovery for the betrayer? What are some examples of white knuckling? Are acting in behaviors abusive too? What are some examples of acting in behaviors?My husband failed his polygraph and insists he isn't hiding anything. Now what?Find this and all episodes on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@_UnfilteredPodcast/videos
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
In this episode, we answer these questions:
Iām 62 years old and found out about my husbands porn addiction over 6 years ago. He had disclosed to me that he had been masturbating and using porn since he was 12 years old. It was devastating. Weāve sought help in many areas: from our church, groups, and counseling. The problem: my husband has never been able to achieve sobriety, ever. He has never stopped using porn and masturbating. I donāt know what should happen now, if anything? I feel exhausted, trapped, and beat down from this life.Betrayal has been a part of our relationship since before we were married, and only when it happened this third time (that Iām aware of), I realized this man has not changed and is not working on changing. When I challenged him on this he dug his heels in even harder and became cruel with me like I had never seen before. Weāre separated and Iām planning to file for divorce. But something is holding me back. I know women who are choosing to stay in situations similar to mine. I have peace with God in my heart about my decision to go. I feel there are biblical grounds for divorce in my case, but Iām just scared to officially pull the trigger.We had set a boundary against porn before our marriage. Since finding out about his secret porn use, why should I stay and give him another chance when he already broke that boundary?Resources:PD Podcast Episode About Divorce
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:
How do I start a discussion with my husband? He's now bringing up that he thinks I was unfaithful to him 10 years ago. He is currently texting with a girl that he used to text with in a sexual context 4 months ago. He says it's no longer sexual, just small talk and he's shown me some of the messages.I felt neglected when he was deep in his addiction, and I had a one-night stand. How do we restore our relationship?After years in recovery, my husband is still triggered by some of my behaviors that remind him of when I was having an affair. He did trauma therapy for years and has a lot of tools he uses to work through triggers, but sometimes gets stuck. How can I help him when Iām the source of his triggers?Resources:3 Circles Tool (Relapse Prevention Tool)
Unraveled
Betrayal & Beyond
7 Pillars
Compassionate Warrior
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:
Do I have to have sex whenever he wants it to keep him from temptation?My husband is working on his recovery, but he says he needs me to be more supportive. Iām crushed and angry. How can I tell him I am unable to cheer him on right now?Is it true that men only feel intimacy through sex?Resources:Find All Our Episodes On YouTube
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Free eBook: 7 Keys To Understanding Betrayal Trauma
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:
What is the difference between being controlling and setting boundaries?We are 6 years into recovery from my infidelity. My husband still associates my drinking with me being unfaithful. We've had to work through his controlling tendencies and unintentional manipulation in our recovery process. He is definitely more important than alcohol, but if I say Iām not going to drink, I feel like itās giving into his controlling tendencies and I want to have the freedom to make that decision on my own. Is it really even about the alcohol?When we got married, my husband had a sex addiction that I didnāt know about. He used me for years for his pleasure. Coercing me to get what he wanted. Eventually he divorced me so he was āfreeā to act out sexually any way he wanted. In recent years heās been in recovery and we remarried, with no guarantee that I will ever be able to be sexual with him. How do we navigate sex after addiction, divorce, and remarriage?Resources:Find All Our Episodes On YouTube
Join A Group
All Of Our Books
Free Counseling Consultation
Free eBook: 7 Keys To Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Free eBook: 5 Steps to Freedom From Porn
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:
Over 30 years ago, an elderly woman met with one of our pastors to tell him that the Lord had told her that oral sex is a sin. He took it to heart, and preached a whole sermon about its evils. Is oral sex a sin?If both husband and wife agree, is masturbation okay?Is there a sexual act in the marriage bed that's wrong? I've heard on another podcast that anything having to do with a woman's butt shouldn't be done.Resources:Find All Our Episodes On YouTube
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Free eBook: 7 Keys To Understanding Betrayal Trauma
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
In this episode, we answer these questions:
Why does my spouse's porn use and inappropriate sexual behavior feel so personal (even though itās not)? Understanding this has been one of the hardest parts of my journey.My husband has, what I'll call, a porn addiction induced inability to orgasm. What I would like to know, is this fixable? He is in a Pure Desire group right now and just started Seven Pillars. If it is fixable, what do we need to do? How do we fix it?My husband recently told me he's not physically attracted to me anymore, even though he loves me dearly, and I have no idea how to process or move forward from this. I just had our second baby and was already feeling insecure about the way my body has changed. He's about 6 years into his recovery from a porn addiction. He's a wonderful and caring husband in most other areas. I don't know how to be around him, much less have sex with him! I can't just relax in my own skin in my own home with the person who's supposed to be my safest place.Resources:Full Episode on Youtube
IITAP Counseling
FREE PD Counseling Consultation
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
In this episode, we answer these questions:
Iām close to completing the Betrayal & Beyond group but it doesnāt seem like our group will continue to interact much after the group ends. I am only 6 months into this journey and still feel like I need the support of a group (especially since no one in my real life knows about this issue). If the recovery process is 3-5 years, what do yāall recommend for continued connection after Betrayal & Beyond? Are there effective ways to try to get our current group to keep connecting? How can I keep building the support I need in my recovery (beyond individual therapy which I do already)?My husband and I interact with other couples who've been through Betrayal & Beyond, Conquer Series, Seven Pillars, marriage counseling, etc. What can I say to the betrayed wives who don't want to let go of the anger, or they don't want to forgive their husband? Most husbands are actively trying to stay sober, but the wives feel like they are entitled to stay bitter. My healing journey is a success, because my husband's recovery is a success. My husband says his recovery is a success because my healing is a success. How do I share this with wives with sensitivity, but not come off as holier than thou?How do I help the women in my group who are already divorced? Do you have much in the way of resources for them?Resources:Full Episode On Youtube
Help Them Heal Book
Unraveled
Divorce Care
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
In this episode, we answer these questions:
I feel rage every time I have sex with my husband. I am angry about how he took advantage of me all these years by having sex with himself and stealing my sex. I do NOT want him to feel any pleasure because he has already stolen enough pleasure for a lifetime through abusive behaviors. How can I possibly move forward in this relationship? And Iām a woman who likes sex.I am severely unattracted to my husband. He has acted out for our entire marriage, lying about it and pretending to be someone different. He walks around fantasizing that some woman will save him because he is so insecure. I am attracted to men with emotional and spiritual maturity, and a strength that comes from their inner being. Now I just see him as a nerdy teenage boy and I donāt know how to move past this. What should I do?Since my husband stepped into recovery, he is entirely different sexually. He used to never arrive during intercourse and now he climaxes so abruptly. This makes me angry. I confronted him numerous times during our marriage about his sexual issues in bed and he always lied and gaslit me about it. Now, our sexual relationship is totally different and Iām angry about it. How am I supposed to forgive 14 years of his lying, manipulating, and behaving like a child?Resources:Full Episode On Youtube
Shelia Wray Gregoire Courses
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
On this episode, we answer the following questions:
I'm in a Betrayal & Beyond group and it's been great for healing BUT my question is, where do I fit in as the girlfriend? How do I approach a Safety Action Plan when I'm not a spouse and don't really know about relapses or anything in that space?We just had our 31st anniversaryāsecond one since disclosure. It was rather miserable for me and I felt myself pulling away and closing down, preventing connection. I canāt reflect and enjoy the memory of our day without feeling like all the memories are tainted and full of lies. Do you have any strategies to have these dates, anniversaries, birthdays, Valentineās Day, ect., come without all the pain and negative emotions associated with them?Can a marriage be healed and restored if both spouses are not doing a Pure Desire group? My husband is doing SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and Iām in a Betrayal & Beyond group. It would be nice to be doing something that has similar language and would help him understand my betrayal trauma better. Do I need to let it go and realize we will be working on our recovery/healing with different resources?Resources:Full Episode On Youtube
All Pure Desire Tools
Help Her Heal
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
On this episode, we answer the following questions:
My husband has cancer and is unable to have an erection without viagra. He's offered to help me achieve orgasm in other ways, but this feels selfish. What do I do?How do you deal with your sex drive after your spouse dies? You ladies talked about prior marriages but does it work the same way with the death of a spouse?How can you make talking about sex with your spouse more comfortable? Right now it just seems very awkward and uncomfortable bringing it up, so neither of us really talk about our needs.ResourcesFull Episode On Youtube
Sheila Wray Gregoire's Courses
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Email us your questions! - [email protected] Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:
In porn/sex addiction recovery resources, most of them seem to recommend a celibacy period of at least 90 days. My husband, who is a recovering porn addict, uses 1 Corinthians 7:5 to say that is unbiblical, saying that if we "deprive each other" then we will be more likely to fall into temptation. If the celibacy period is truly something that is worth doing to speed up recovery, how do I combat that argument about him saying it is unbiblical?What about if my husband relapses during those 90 days? What if we give in and have sex during those 90 days? For both of those prior questions, does this mean that the 90 days should start over?What changes happen in the brain due to an abstinence period? Will those changes only happen if someone chooses to do an abstinence period?Resources:Full Episode On Youtube
Cleaning Up The Mental Mess
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
On this episode, we answer the following questions:
What do I do if my boundaries are not honored and my spouse continues to gaslight me and make me feel like the mean one?What is the best way to come up with boundaries and what are some good boundaries?We have been doing "recovery" for 6 years now. My husband cannot go more than 6 months white knuckling sobriety before diving back into addictionāthen lying and telling me heās sober. Iāve tried setting boundaries and consequences, but nothing sticks. I need help.Resources:Watch Full Episode On Youtube
Recovery Action Plan Podcast Episode
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
On this episode, we answer the following questions:
How do I stop thinking about the prostitutes my husband was with when he and I have sex? How do I get my head sorted out?Do you ever get to the point where your spouse's past with a prostitute doesn't bother you or will you always experience triggers?What happens when a partnerās porn and sex addiction ends up rearing its ugly head in the marital bedroom?Resources:The Resolution For Women
Free Counseling Consultation
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
On this episode, we answer the following questions:
My husband is in a Pure Desire group but does the bare minimum. He says heās sober and offended that I donāt trust him. He says he will always resent me for asking for a polygraph. Should my husbandās attitude toward me change with recovery?Is it an unrealistic expectation that my husband wouldn't fantasize about other women?Will my husband always be a sex addict and want his addiction more than me?Listen Now!
Find this and all episodes on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@_UnfilteredPodcast/videos
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
On this episode, we answer the following questions:
How do I process my own betrayal from his porn addiction and abusing my daughters and their friends?How do I reconcile with my daughter, who was sexually abused by her dad, whom I'm still married to?We have not resumed anything sexual, hardly even touching, as we work with a coach on building intimacy emotionally and spiritually in our relationship. I realized recently that I feel like it will be betraying my daughters to enter a sexual relationship with my husband again. Is it possible to recover and heal from all of this?Resources:Full Episode on Youtube
Betrayal & Beyond
Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships
Authentically You
Free Counseling Consultation
Seven Pillars
Find this and all episodes on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@_UnfilteredPodcast/videos
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
On this episode, we answer the following questions:
Iām in a Betrayal & Beyond group and my husband is in a Seven Pillars group. We are working through this painful process. Iām curious about what specifically men are seeking out that they are not being provided with by their partners? Are we talking about specific acts, positions, role playing? I would love to understand what makes pornography better than me. Part of my addicted spouseās acting out is using me for sex. When it appears heās doing work, and sex is back in the picture, he goes to cruise control and stops doing his recovery work. Then I feel unsafe and uncared for and used, and he gets upset, and the cycle starts all over again. What would you advise?Although my husband is not engaging in porn or masturbation, he does engage in āflashesā and fantasy while having sex with me. He says this is not breaking his sobriety, and according to our counselor it is. I feel violated, used, and betrayed. Can you help me understand more about the issues of āflashesā and fantasy?Resources:Full Episode On Youtube
Betrayal & Beyond
Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships
Authentically You
Seven Pillars
Find this and all episodes on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@_UnfilteredPodcast/videos
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
On this episode, we answer the following questions:
When my husband's secret affair life was exposed, I felt like I had to have sex all of the time to keep him from cheating. Now, he doesn't know how to have sex (or true intimacy) because sex was always "done to him." How do we work through all of this?How do I deal with my husband not being sexually interested in me?My husband is doing well with his recovery, but I can't get past feeling violated and having attacks on my mind during sex. What should I do?Resources:Pure Desire Podcast For Sex During Recovery
Peace Beyond The Tears
Full Episode On Youtube
Betrayal & Beyond
Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships
Authentically You
Seven Pillars
Find this and all episodes on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@_UnfilteredPodcast/videos
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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.
On this episode, we answer the following questions:
I'm the only one in my group whose husband is not working on recovery or counseling of any kind. How do I navigate this, not manipulate or give ultimatums, and keep myself safe as I engage in this healing process alone?For me to feel safe and start rebuilding trust, Iāve asked to see my husbandās emails, but he refuses. He wonāt join a menās recovery group. I donāt know how to deal with this. Am I being unreasonable? I keep thinking something else is coming.After years of deception, affairs, porn use, and who knows what, I finally had my breaking point. He was willing to walk away rather than work through it. He could never tell me why. I struggle every day with the why'sā¦ And I struggle in support groups because so many are still together, working through it together. Is there such a thing as unresolved betrayal trauma? How do I heal without all the answers?Resources:Full Episode On Youtube
Betrayal & Beyond
Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships
Authentically You
Seven Pillars
Find this and all episodes on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@_UnfilteredPodcast/videos
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