Episodes
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After 27 weeks, 3 additional kilos and no ageing, Dion is back in the Patchwork Studio! He tells us some brothy stories of his culinary experiences and recalls an awkwardly silent breakfast experience at a hostel. We then discuss what factors make for a positive hostel experience - is atmosphere or cleanliness more important? Does that answer change if some of the other guests absolutely stink? Christian gets frustrated at the volume of zippers and we try to invent a better closing mechanism for luggage. We then wonder, why do we find nature beautiful?
Christian then asks Dion and Josh whether we are obliged to mow our neighbours' nature strips? Is it an act of aggression to only mow up to the boundary of your property? Is it strange to buy gifts for your neighbours when you move into a new property? Dion proposes a borderless society where we can freely wander into each other's homes and Josh recalls an angry anti whipper snipping neighbour.
Finally, we practice being assertive.
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After countless people telling him to get one, Christian has finally purchased an air fryer and won't shut up about it! But what really is an air fryer? Is it just small oven? Is small oven better cook reddit? As the discussion develops, both Christian and Josh lose the ability to form full sentences but manage to discuss the research and development behind air fryer pre configured modes.
For your main course, how much do you give a coworker departing a workplace? Josh poses this question to Christian after being faced with a similar conundrum at work. Would it change your mind if the recipient didn't know how much money you were giving? Do you even need to give them a gift? And while we're at it, when signing a farewell card, do you read what other people have written? Would you let AI write the message for you? Josh and Christian then cover off the minutiae of signing a farewell card from length and angle to location.
Finally, we debate whether to write a message above and below the template text on the right hand side of a birthday card.
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Episodes manquant?
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After another lengthy break, Josh and Christian are back in the WTP studio and the first thing they can think to talk about is how podcast consumption aint what it used to be. It's all content, content, content these days! Maybe if we posted a little more regularly, we would actually have some content to turn into clips.
Christian kicks off the 'content' by recalling a recent interaction with a colleague/friend of Josh's who claimed that she was 'good at napping'. Christian was stunned. Isn't napping something that needs to happen organically and without planning? Is there a way to hack the system and seamlessly insert a nap into your day? Josh has a few strategies to help Christian nap better including arm placement and a reason to wake up. The conversation works it's way to Christian and Josh laying out the blueprints for a new room designed entirely for to streamline your pre-bed routine and, victims of volcanoes.
Christian then asks Josh for advice on how to handle the situation when you've sent a voice note to a friend and they chose to call you instead of listening to it. Josh declares the voice note required listening! As the victim of this egregious act, can you choose to avoid repeating yourself and tell them to listen to the voice note? Could we turn voice notes into clippable CONTENT? Finally, do you fake enthusiasm in your messages?
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We have wiped away the emotional cobwebs of the Depression Sessions and are ready for a little more unstructured fun. Christian picks up on Josh's brute force attempt to bring colour to the podcast before we both become self-conscious of our most overused phrases. We quickly move onto discussing workplace attire and some of the characters in our workplaces. Is there anything wrong with wearing an oodie to work? Is wearing a suit antiquated?
Christian reflects on the clever parenting technique his Mum employed to make him do a law degree while Josh reckons with how casually he has adjusted to an increase in spending to match his salary. We then grapple with the unfortunate reality that some people make more money than others despite their jobs having very little utility to the world.
We then change topic to a conversation about changing topics. Josh tells Christian about an attempted hard steer topic change at a recent party. Did he need a proper segue between topics or can Josh just launch into what he wanted to talk about? Christian reveals that he's always got a conversation "up the barrel" before he and Josh talk about whether they struggle to deal with silences in conversations.
Josh then tells Christian about a new friend who carries a Rubik's Cube and we discuss people who become incredibly good at one thing. Finally, we agree that the best way to waste time is playing silly games with friends.
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On a cold Monday night in August 2024, tired from just existing, Josh and Christian decided to record Patch 133, "The Depression Sessions" aka Frankly Mr Chatly. For any first time listeners, this is not the Patch for you.
Christian and Josh reflect on winter and the sadness of realising that you're already half way through the year. Christian and Josh then exchange some stories from a night out the week before; Christian looks like a little boy, Josh accidentally made a back zipper on his costume's pants.
After a rubbish day, how do you self soothe? Do you get cosy like Josh? Do you need to numb your brain like Christian? Christian and Josh discuss ASMR, weighted blankets and keeping your mind distracted.
Christian then asks Josh whether there's a healthy level of overthinking? How do you handle overthinking? Are you a good communicator? We then throw down some real introspection about our capacity to communicate with those around us. We also ask, what are your tools for falling asleep?
Finally, we get really depressed over the bottomless pit of online content.
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Christian and Josh are joined in the Patchwork studio by the handsome and hilarious Nelson Allingham, host of the Read It On Reddit podcast. Christian welcomes Nelson by confessing that he often passively listens to his podcast while completing chores before tragically revealing that he prematurely retired one of his jumpers from rotation by wearing it to bed. Nelson sympathises and offers a compromise of sleeping with no clothes but believes one of the tell tale signs of a sleep top, is the neckline. Josh reflects on waking himself up while sleep talking; Nelson sleep barks.
Christian then opens up to Josh and Nelson about having a fridge full of half filled jars of different sauces, pastes and whatnots. How do you prevent this from happening? Should you use the entire contents of the jar every time a new one is opened, like Nelson and Josh? Or do you wait for the mercy of mould before you throw the jar out? Josh gives us the lowdown on the sharehouse experience while Christian sings the praises of baby food. We then discuss whether particular foods have greater rights over freezer space than others? Bread or salmon? Finally, Nelson offers up a fresh take on how to save space in the fridge - the King's Cup.
After a particularly bad experience, Nelson asks Christian and Josh for help identifying the circumstances in which you can ignore a friend of a friend you see walking down the street. Does it matter whether you're having a bad day? Do you need to at least head nod? What if you can't think of anything to chat to them about? What if you don't want to get locked into a long chat? After walking us through his bad experience of being ignored, Nelson finally reveals that the 'friend of a friend' is in fact one of our own.
With very special guests "Mad Lifts" and "Copy Cat" (Frank Walker from National Tiles).
You can hear more of Nelson by listening to his podcast, Read It on Reddit.
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While they were busy lining up the next Patchwork guest host, Christian and Josh decided to kill two birds with one stone and turned their long overdue catch up with Dion into content for the podcast.
Through the miracle of "internet", Dion joins Christian and Josh in the studio to talk through some highlights from his trip including visiting an active volcano, repelling black bears with a bell, buffet breakfasts, why Josh loves processes, making nitpicky friends while overseas, the etiquette of bowing, Japanese electronic stores, Samsung Bidets, and Dion nailing his social media presence.
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Christian and Josh are joined by the supremely talented comedian Nat Harris for Patch 131! Nat is about to perform a replay of her Melbourne International Comedy Festival show "Lathered" at Comedy Republic on Tuesday July 16. Purchase tickets through the Comedy Republic website!
We kick off the episode by fighting about who has a better 'natural' reading voice before Nat reveals that she bleeds from the eyes and gums due to a stigmatism. Hot start alert!
Christian expresses his dislike for people who engage in loud activities on the other end of the phone, Nat opens up about her tendency to speak to herself and Josh takes aim at people who type while they're talking to you.
Josh then considers whether his home teaspoon policy (leaving it turned upside down on the edge of the sink) can translate into the office. Will his colleagues scratch their neck with his spoon? Nat struggles with using a single teaspoon across different substances and Christian breaks down over an oily teaspoon in soapy water and suggests Josh invent a half spoon half pen. We also ask what you do after spilling a few drops of coffee or tea on the floor?
Nat closes out the Patch by telling us about a very important recent purchase of hers, fabric softener. Christian remembers sniffing a great smelling teacher, we agree that Napisan is a trusted brand, Josh spruiks Hegs Pegs and Nat asks whether we put folded clothes away immediately.
With very special guests "Previously on Lathered with Pussy Willow" and "Nursery Rhymes".
You can hear more Nat every weekday morning in Melbourne by tuning into Breakfasters on Triple R or listening online via https://www.rrr.org.au/
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Michael "Cambo" Campbell of Cancelled Movie Report and Read It On Reddit joins Josh and Christian and is immediately attached for his nickname and the silent "p" in his surname. Don't we treat our guests well!
Christian kicks off proceedings by asking Cambo and Josh what they would do if someone asked to grant them access to a building that required fob access. Would you let them in and then assume they were up to no good? Or do you, like Cambo, "run a loose fob ship"? Should you track their movement and alert front desk of an intruder? Finally, we marvel at the next generation tech available today at Woolworths!
Josh tells us about a time he followed up on an offer for tickets to see Dune 2 but was met with silence. What obligation do we have to honour the offers we have made to people? Is there a statute of limitations on offers? Does it matter if the offer is vague? Can you be upfront with the person who originally offered you the favour? Cambo tells us about his "full house" of family and friends that work a trade while Christian laments the prevalence of "empty offers" in today's society.
Finally, Cambo takes us through a recent 'near miss' with Rob Schneider and then asks how best to react when a person you're gossiping about is, to your surprise, within earshot of the conversation. Do you confront them? Is there a way to know how much they heard? Christian discloses that he's constantly checking his phone whenever engaging in gossip, Josh dwells on the PTSD of forgetting a close friend's name and Cambo lets us in on his secret system for remembering a distant family member's name.
With very special guests Never Scene It and Time To Think.
You can hear more Cambo via his incredible podcasts, Cancelled Movie Report and Read It on Reddit. Find them on all podcast apps!
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While Dion is away, the cats will play! And these cats have decided to invite veteran of the comedy scene and Patchwork's first ever repeat guest co-host, Laura Dunemann, onto the podcast!
We kick off Patch 129 by making Christian feel more self conscious about his most recent Uniqlo purchase, an Arctic white turtleneck jumper. He's a Christmas rom-com cameo, he's exploring the Polar ice-caps and he's a villainous tech billionaire.
Laura, married and mother of 1, discloses that when her husband is travelling for work and she is interacting with other parents solo, she can't help but feel as though she is being perceived as a flirt. How do you flirt? Is it always flirty when you're interacting with a parent of the opposite sex? Josh and Laura give us a great example of 'awkward flirting on a podcast'. Christian realises his flirting is simply the way he wants to be flirted with and Josh likes to flirt with his eyes. What's the difference between flirting and cracking on? Do you label your significant other as your partner? Girlfriend/boyfriend? De facto?
Christian asks Josh and Laura what their approach is to taking a day off work. Are you like Christian and overthink your excuse to the point of needing to lie or are you more like Laura and remain vague and upfront? Do you actually need to give an excuse? Josh reflects on the moment of clarity that comes with deciding to take a day off and Laura spruiks asking from the night before and we bow down to the ultimate sick day excuse, children. Speaking of children, what was the best excuse for taking a day off in primary school? Did we have much more than tummy pains? For Josh, it was a weird masochistic urge to break his arm.
Josh asks Christian and Laura when it's acceptable to send a "I had a great night" message to a friend you've just caught up with. Is it more appropriate for a group chat or a 1 on 1? Do you need to respond to that message? Laura puts her foot down and sends Christian and Josh back to the stone age by illustrating how primitive their behaviour is. Is there a distinction between being excited or surprised by friendship? Does the frequency with which you see that person impact the follow up message? When do you cross the line from genuine connection to stinking of desperation? We then close off the chat by auditing our phone contacts.
With very special guest Copy Cat (Barenaked Ladies, "It's Been").
Also, it's Groundhog Day and this time, Dion is going away! We're going to miss him SO MUCH but Season 9 of Patchwork will continue with Josh and Christian and special guests. Have the best trip Dion, we'll see you on the other side!
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Surprise, main feed Patchworkers! Get a taste of what the Patreon subscribers are receiving every fortnight with this weeks Bonus Patch. Join for as little as $2 a month to support the show and guarantee yourself some Patchwork every week. Jump onto patreon.com/welcometopatchwork
In this Bonus Patch, Josh kicks off by asking Dion and Christian what's going on their feet first thing in the morning. Are you wearing shoes? Just socks? Barefeet? Does the weather impact your decision?
Josh talks us through his decision to 'save up' his explorer socks, Christian takes issue with Josh's new heated blanket strategy and Dion asks what item of clothing makes you feel the least like you're at work.
We also discuss animal wools and Christian isn't happy!
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This Patch starts with Josh expressing concern over his own reaction to a message chain in the Patchwork thread. Christian and Dion can't hold back their pride for a Josh looking to grow and learn. We scratch the surface of Josh's brain and try to understand whether it's to react with frustration to a text message that is checking up on you. Is it harder than ever to interact with friends via messaging? Why do we read so much into EVERYTHING?!
Dion then beautifully pronounces charcuterie before telling Christian and Josh about an unfunny work colleague that he couldn't find the energy to fake laugh with. Do you go out of your way to support someone who has made a bad joke? How do you do that? Christian reflects on the feeling of validation that comes with a true back and forth but then recalls the feeling of disappointment that comes with a "yeah yeah yeah" response. Josh talks about the half-laugh walk off and Christian explores the classic next door neighbour walking away response by telling us about his chatter-box landlord. For the second week in a row, fluff strikes the Patchwork studio and Dion searches for a new word or phrase that instantly wraps up a conversation. We then discuss the elderly and their capacity to sit with their thoughts and stare - are we jealous or do we think they're nuts? Should their be something that is occupying them?
Christian hosted dinner and drinks and the final guest stayed for an extra hour after the other guests had left. Have they overstayed their welcome? Do different guests have maximum time allowances? How long should a pop in last? Does the nature of the event impact how long you should be hanging around? If you go to someone's place to watch a movie, do you leave immediately after? Do you have duties to say hello to everyone in the house if you're popping in?
With very special guest Soundcheck (Billionaires) and Really Good.
Also, it's Groundhog Day and this time, Dion is going away! We're going to miss him SO MUCH but Season 9 of Patchwork will continue with Josh and Christian and special guests. Have the best trip Dion, we'll see you on the other side!
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Christian is sick! He's sick and selfish. He begins the Patch by telling Josh and Dion about the poor decision he made to ride public transport while sick and the consequent pressure of having to 'cover up' his illness. After some light berating, we get to the heart of the matter, which is more annoying, a sniff? Or a cough? And what makes it annoying? The frequency? The sound? And do we dare discuss sneezing? We then reminisce on being judged if you ever blew your nose loudly as a child.
Josh recalls needing to send some event details on to his partner and asks Dion and Christian whether they are "screenshotters" or "copy pasters" when it comes to forwarding on event details? Josh treats the original message as a first draft, Christian choses to summarise in his own words, Dion crops and highlights. Out of nowhere, Dion decides he is finally picking a bone with Josh over how he shares the edited Patchwork episodes to him and Christian. We also discuss the stigma around leaving group chats.
To wrap the episode up, Josh asks whether he it is acceptable for him to serve guests lower quality beverages than what he has served himself?
With very special guest Oh Wow! and a new game, MetaFORE!
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Christian found a fantastic parking spot opposite the church at his nephew’s christening but isn’t sure whether the spot should be reserved for immediate family. Dion quickly finds a parallel to another moment Christian found a premium parking spot on the day of his auction. Does the finders keepers rule apply to parking spots? Or should you be considerate of those who may need to spot more than you?
We then ponder, why do humans refrain from stealing those enormous mounds of gravel and mulch dumped in driveways? Dion reveals that he may be a mulch thief while Josh can’t help but equate driveway mounds with takeaway fish and chips. Can you take clippings of a neighbours rosemary bush? Do you feel safe leaving items outside your home unattended? Why aren’t we more concerned about mail theft? Is it because of all the dead snails in everyone’s mailbox? Should we have more faith in our community?
Finally, Josh reflects on a recent temporary toilet experience and asks Dion and Christian what their ultimate setup would be. Dion reveals that after walking into a temporary toilet, he goes in for a big little sniff while Christian fawns over a tap that provides constant flow via a foot pump mechanism. We also discuss, when do you feel rushed in the toilet and Patchwork’s first ever trigger warning.
With very special guest Really Good and a naughty old man Dion goes to the library
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Christian has finally found the elderly neighbours he’s been looking for and, typically, they came in the form of a bowl of tomatoes. Dion questions the neighbours' motives and warns Christian by recounting the parable of his neighbour in sheep’s clothing. We then chat about rubbish collection and Josh laments finding a mystery coffee cup at the bottom of your freshly emptied bin.
Are you confident when cutting food in half? Are you worried about the dreaded ‘bigger half’? Does a muffin deserve better than Dion ripping it in half like a maddened primate? Josh falls on his sword and will always let his partner take the half they want while Christian proclaims that we’ve given individuals too much power to control the size of their slices. Dion wants to know, how an orange should be cut and we discuss the fundamentals of sharing.
Dion then asks us to ponder the age old question, what is a businessman? We dissect the words ‘cofounder’ and ‘entrepreneur’ and make fun of Josh for his pronunciation of the words. Stocks, briefcase, suit, computer - are these businessman? If the briefcase is flat, where does the lunch go? And why do people still wear a suit to work?
With very special guests "Scrolling Through Time" and "Patchword Of The Day"
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Ohhhhh wow! We're back from 7 months off and we're out of practice. We kick off by recalling a micro highlight from our trips abroad: Christian visited a Christian themed amusement park, Dion visited a capybara themed amusement park for ducks and Josh watched a man interact with natural history.
Christian starts the episode proper by lamenting his ability to casually organise an event. Are you someone who can casually put together an event and be fine not knowing who is coming and when? If an invite says, "get there anytime from 4pm", what arrival time would be considered late? Should you ask your 'core group' to arrive earliest? We then celebrate 'Regrets Only' invites.
Josh then asks Christian and Dion for the techniques they employ to subtly glance at someone else. Dion admits that he struggles to find people using clock face directions - "your 5 o'clock" while Christian worries about a quick turn around resulting in a punch in the face. We then plan out the best ways to guide another person as they attempt a subtle glance and how to avoid being caught. As per Welcome to Patchwork, we then quickly touch on our greatest insecurities... no problem.
Finally, Dion discloses the average number of photos taken per day on his trip and we go on to discuss the utility of holiday photography. Do we actually need to take photos on our trips given ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE AND SAID AND THERE IS NO POINT EXISTING ANYMORE? Also... how good is a candid shot?
We also play Sound Check and Time to Think.
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Dearest Patchworkers, we're taking a bit of a break. Christian is doing some extended travel so there won't be regular releases for pretty much the rest of the year.
We can't thank you enough for your support over the last 6 years. Looking forward to being back in your favourite podcatcher sometime again in the future. But for the moment, it's goodbye. Big hugs and three loud kisses oxxx
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Christian receives a mysterious hand gesture from a concerned citizen but manages to decipher it.
We also ponder the age old question - what's the difference between 'tips' and 'advice'? Christian's psych definitely got it wrong when asked about travel tips. This conversation devolves into Christian and Dion bullying Josh for having the audacity to talk to his friends about things that he is passionate about.
Dion tells us his strategies for picking an aisle when he needs to traverse through the chemist. We also discuss what we love to browse in the pharmacy while waiting for our script.
With very special guests "Scrolling Through Time" and "Sound Check"
This will be the last full episode of Welcome to Patchwork for quite some time. We've got a little clip for you coming next week, with details. It's been real.
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Christian questions whether Josh can sell his abandoned basketball for profit. He's simply a man looking for answers.
Josh's comedy group Game Boys won a freakin Green Room Award! So we discuss what genuine surprises we still have in life and if it's rude to send messages and be on social media during a speech.
Finally Christian tells the longwided story of an old man bumping him on the train. Do we give elderly people too much of a pass these days? Both Josh and Dion also have some tales of people being unaware of others personal space.
We also play Copy Cat and Time to Think.
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Christian and Josh open this episode with a rather frank discussion about the many hairstyles of the artist P!NK. We explore the unspoken bravery of dying her hair blonde and her notoriety in Australia. Christian then finds a subtle way to tell Josh he's balding and shouldn't colour his hair.
Josh then tells us about his new job delivering groceries and the torture of having to relearn how to drive a manual (Emmanuel). Do you judge people who struggle to park? Are you an anxious driver? Is Josh learning to self soothe?
Christian recalls an embarrassing moment at work where he forgot a colleagues name. Do you get anxious when you need to introduce two people? How do you handle embarrassing public situations? Do you make a big deal about it or do you ignore it entirely? Dion then engages in a little wasp chat.
Finally, Dion asks Josh and Christian whether they have specific ways to wash certain dishes and it leads on to a constructive chat around the virtual Patchwork kitchen sink.
We also play Horrorscopes and Never Scene It
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- Montre plus
