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We have reached the end of the Book of Genesis,
so it's time for Husband and Wife to play another round of a game called You're Always Wrong.
You may be shocked to learn that we've found a few contradictions in the Bible. No wonder it's so easy to cherry-pick quotes to back up any claim!
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Husband and Wife cover a brief summary of the Book of Genesis and perform fairly well on a quiz. Then learn that Nimrod was very likely Gilgamesh, and that he was pretty much a douchebag. Husband falls asleep.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 48:
Jacob Blesses Ephraim and Manasseh;
Chapter 49:Jacob's Prophecy Concerning His Sons / The Death and Burial of Jacob; and
Chapter 50:The Death of Joseph.
Them dudes died, but not before Jacob called out his sons' bad behavior. "Y'all suck!" he shouted before taking his last breath. Congrats! You've completed the Book of Genesis!
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapters 46 and 47:
Jacob and His Family in Egypt.
There's like this famine and basically they squeeze the people of Egypt for all they're worth and basically it's pretty mf grotesque. We hate it. Slavery ensues.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 44:
The Missing Cup / Judah Pleads for Benjamin; and chapter 45: Joseph Makes Himself Known to His Brethren.
We apologize for all the ridiculous background noise. There is coughing, motorcycles revving, and reading flubs. Also, Joseph comes clean but he's so boring about it.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 42:
Joseph's Brethren Come to Egypt for Grain; and chapter 43: Joseph's Brethren Return with Benjamin.
Joseph f*cks with his brothers a bit and yeah, the schadenfreude is real.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 40:
Joseph Interprets the Prisoners' Dreams; and chapter 41: Joseph Interprets Pharaoh's Dream / Joseph Made Ruler over Egypt.
The baker bites the dust. Something about fat cows and grains that swallow. Famine ensues but Egypt learns to budget so whatever.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 38:
Judah and Tamar; and chapter 39: Joseph and Potiphar's Wife.
Now we know why people think the pull-out method is an *effective form of birth control (*NOTE: IT'S NOT). Er bites the dust. Apparently it's evil to not impregnate your brother's wife. Joseph almost gets raped.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 36:
The Descendants of Esau; and chapter 37: Joseph Sold into Egypt.
Some boring begatting followed by a story we wish Donny Osmond was here to sing. No raping or incest this time!
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 34:
The Defilement of Dinah Avenged; and chapter 35: God Blesses Jacob at Beth-el / The Death of Rachel / The Sons of Jacob / The Death of Isaac.
"Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah; someone's in the kitchen I know"🎶 Wife loses her sh*t and rants about rapey men who can't control themselves. The Avenging was definitely appropriate for those monkeys.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 32:
Jacob Prepared to Meet Esau / Jacob Wrestles at Peniel; and chapter 33: Jacob and Esau Reconciled.
That wrestler came out of nowhere! Don't eat the hip bone! And was Esau subtweeting Jacob, or what? Also - can't believe we didn't make a joke about Peniel / Penile. What a wasted opportunity.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 30:
The Children Born to Jacob (cont.) / The Trickery of Laban and Jacob; and chapter 31: Jacob Flees from Laban.
We learn there are multiple gods and we encounter a legit mic drop. Laban gets what's coming to him. But not really because they all walk away friendly-like after yet another convenant.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 28:
Jacob Flees from Esau (cont.) / God Appears to Jacob at Beth-el; and chapter 29: Jacob Serves Laban for Rachel and Leah / Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel / The Children Born to Jacob.
Another zoom call! Stairway to Heaven! Laban is a d*ck. Jacob should've taken Rachel and peaced out.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 26: Isaac at Gerar; and chapter 27: Jacob Obtains Isaac's Blessing / Jacob Flees from Esau.
A well is named Care-a-Lot. We conclude that all the men are rapey, lying, thieves, and all the women are gossiping snitches. We also question whether people of that time period possessed magic to dole out curses and blessings willy-nilly.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 24:
A Wife Obtained for Isaac; and chapter 25: Abraham's Descendants through Keturah / The Death and Burial of Abraham / The Descendants of Ishmael / The Birth of Esau and Jacob / Esau Sells His Birthright.
Could Esau beat Nimrod in a fight? Do we even really care? This was kind of a boring section. But we had fun with it nonetheless!
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 22:
Abraham Commanded to Offer Isaac; and chapter 23: Abraham Buys a Burial Ground for Sarah.
We question whether God has ever read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People because his leadership skills are lacking, and we wonder if Nimrod will ever make another appearance. We also decide God can go F himself if he ever asks us to kill our kids. Oh and Spoiler Alert, Sarah is dead now.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 20:
Abraham and Abimelech; and chapter 21: The Birth of Isaac / Hagar and Ishmael Sent Away / The Covenant Between Abraham and Abimelech.
We ponder who would be a better hunter: Nimrod or Ishmael? More incest is brought to light. God, being a dick, punishes, like, everyone. As usual.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 18:
The Birth of Isaac Promised / Abraham Intercedes for Sodom; and chapter 19: The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
We are knuckle-deep in rape, incest, and salt. Does too much masturbation actually blind you because of all Lot's crazy parties?
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 16: Hagar and Ishmael; and chapter 17:
Circumcision the Sign of the Covenant.
We question whether God has a , whether or not it's circumcised, and who performed such action. Everybody line up 'cause it's dick-choppin' time! WHERE'S STEVE? All this accompanied by the sweet background sound of a running computer that Husband can't tame.
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Husband and Wife cover Genesis chapter 14:
Abram rescues Lot / Melchizedek Blesses Abram; and Genesis chapter 15: A Son Promised to Abram.
He cut the animals in HALF!? Grody! And God's still a big dick. A children's Bible is like KidsBop for #WAP.
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