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In this episode of “Coping”, Kevin and Kathy discuss various spiritual pathways and practices for nurturing one's soul and faith. We discuss Gary Thomas's book 'Sacred Pathways' which outlines nine different pathways: naturalists, sensates, traditionalists, aesthetics, intellectuals, caregivers, enthusiasts, contemplatives, and activists. Also provided is an overview of each pathway and our personal experiences and suggesting practical ways to engage with each one.
It is important to find practices that resonate with one's unique spiritual needs and Be Well Resources encourages listeners to explore the pathways further through the book and accompanying resources.
Spiritual pathways quiz: https://groupleaders.org/curriculum-feed/spiritual-pathways-activity#personal-assessment
Be Well Resources Pathways Guide: https://www.canva.com/design/DAFys-kZ0Dc/qRxkNIbbJIvU3V0xs1fJaw/edit?utm_content=DAFys-kZ0Dc&utm_campaign=designshare&utm_medium=link2&utm_source=sharebutton
Gary Thomas, “Sacred Pathways” book: https://www.amazon.com/shop/actorkevin/list/33DKQI838HB65?linkCode=spc&tag=kevindeegan-20&domainId=influencer&asc_contentid=amzn1.ideas.33DKQI838HB65
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Kevin Deegan reads a meditation titled 'Blessing in the Chaos' by Jan Richardson. It is a calming and introspective piece that encourages the reader to find stillness and peace amidst the chaos and distractions of life.
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This episode of the "Coping" podcast covers a discussion on the importance of soul care and the common excuses people make for not prioritizing it. Hosts Kathy and Kevin acknowledge that while the excuses like lack of time, discomfort with being alone, fear of silence, and inability to stop are valid, they provide practical tips and assignments to overcome these barriers. The key takeaway is that even small pockets of intentional time for soul-nourishing activities can have significant benefits for overall well-being.
Highlights
Introduction and Excuses for Lack of Soul Care
The video introduces the topic of soul care and acknowledges the valid reasons or 'excused absences' that prevent people from practicing it, such as lack of time, discomfort with being alone, fear of silence, and inability to stop or disconnect from devices and constant busyness.
Excuse 1: Lack of Time
The speakers discuss the common excuse of not having enough time for soul care due to work and other responsibilities. They suggest that even small pockets of 10 minutes can be carved out for soul-nourishing activities, such as during school pickups or commutes.
Excuse 2: Discomfort with Being Alone
The speakers address the excuse of not liking to be alone, which is often confused with loneliness. They encourage scheduling a 'soul date' with oneself to engage in enjoyable activities alone, as this can lead to feeling more refreshed and present.
Excuse 3: Fear of Silence
The speakers discuss the fear of silence as an excuse for avoiding soul care. They suggest taking a walk or drive without any noise or distractions, focusing only on natural sounds, as a way to practice entering silence and improve listening skills.
Excuse 4: Inability to Stop
The final excuse addressed is the difficulty in stopping and disconnecting from constant busyness and technology. The speakers recommend a 'phone fast' for one hour a day, handing the phone to a loved one, to create space for being present and engaged in soul-nourishing activities.
Closing Thoughts and Meditation
The video concludes by emphasizing the importance of making time for soul care, even if it's just small pockets of time, and the benefits it can bring to overall well-being. A meditation from Jan Richardson is shared, encouraging listeners to find stillness and peace amidst the chaos.
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Listen as Kathy reads a poetic reflection called, "On Time" by Ruth Haley Barton, on the importance of slowing down and savoring life's moments. Consider this in your own practice of self care, or if you don't yet have your own, please feel free to use this as a starting point.
Kathy: I just invite you now to think about the words of this poem and check in with your soul. It is called "On Time" and it's by Ruth Haley Barton:
There have to be times in your life when you move slow. Times when you walk rather than run, settling into each step. There have to be times when you stop and gaze admiredly at loved ones, marveling that they have been given to you for this life. Times when hugs linger and kisses are real. When food and drink are savored with gratitude and humility, rather than gulp down on your way to something else.
There have to be times when you read for the sheer pleasure of it, marveling at the beauty of words and endless creativity in putting them together. Times when you settle into the comforts of home and become human once again. There have to be times when you light a candle and find the tender place inside you that loves or sorrows or sings and you pray from that place. Times when you let yourself feel, when you allow the tears to come, rather than blinking them back because you don't have time to cry.
There have to be times to sink into the soft body of yourself and love what you love simply because love itself is a grace. Times when you sit with gratitude for the good gifts of your life that get lost and forgotten in the rush of things. Times to celebrate and play, to roll down hills, to splash in water or make leaf piles, to spread paint on paper or walls or each other. There have to be times to sit and wait for the fullness of God that replenishes body, mind and soul. If you can even stand to be so full, there has to be time for the fullness of time or time is meaningless.
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Summary
Kevin and Kathy discuss the concept of 'soul care' and practices to nurture one's soul. Their discussion explores the importance of solitude, silence, and stillness as means to connect with one's inner self and find peace amidst the distractions and noise of daily life. Interspersed are helpful personal anecdotes, practical tips, and a poem that encourages slowing down and appreciating the present moment.
Kevin
Hi everyone, welcome back to another episode of Coping. We took off a few weeks ago, giving you all a vacation and we also took a vacation ourselves.
Kathy
Yes, and we thought it was a great time to begin a new series we're calling Summer Soul Care. I wonder, Kevin, what comes to your mind when you think about soul care?
Kevin
Well, I work in a hospital, and our department is called the spiritual care department. So I actually spend a lot of time thinking about spiritual care, soul care, and how to do that effectively, especially for those who are sick and in the hospital setting. So the first thing that comes to mind for me is something that's active, to make sure that when you care for either your own soul or somebody else's soul, it's an action that you do, a practice that you take, something that you offer that's tangible.
Kathy
Hmm. Yeah, that's a good and easy, practical way to think about it. And especially as we're thinking about our souls, we can link it to something that we'll be doing. So let's get started.
Kathy
So one of our favorite podcasters and authors, her name is Ruth Haley Barton. She writes this quote, I really love this thought provoking quote. She says, "losing your soul is sort of like losing a credit card. You think it's in your wallet or purse, so you don't give it much thought until one day you reach for it and you can't find it.
Kathy
The minute you realize it's gone, you start scrambling to find it, trying to remember when you lost it or last used it or at least had it in your possession. No matter what is going on in your life, you have to stop and look for it because otherwise there could be major damage done.
Kathy
Some of us know that we are losing bits and pieces of our souls every day and we are scared to death that we might be very close to going over an edge." So as a chaplain, how have you experienced this with those you serve?
Kevin
Yeah, this is something I help patients wrestle with on a daily basis. The reality is most people don't give a lot of thought to their spiritual life, to their souls. It's only when we are sick, when we are ill and in pain, that we look for strength and often look inward for that strength to be able to push through and to cope with whatever we're going through.
Kevin
And so what happens, like that analogy that's so vivid and so true about the credit card, if you haven't been investing into that fund, you don't have the funds to tap into on that card and that soul, then you find yourself not being able to use it when you need it most.
Kevin
And, you know, my belief is that we never lose our soul, we never go to a point where we don't have it. But if we're not investing in it, then it's certainly not going to be valuable to us when we perhaps need it most. And so when we encounter somebody who has deficient funds on their card or in their spiritual life, it's a chaplain's job to come alongside them and to help them tap into their strengths in their life, to help them connect to their faith practices, their rituals, the things that give their life meaning so that they could begin to cope with their illness and then find a pathway to healing that encompasses not just their physical body, but their emotional, spiritual mental selves as well.
Kathy
Yes, that sounds very practical and helpful. And like you said, it often doesn't happen until the body begins shutting down. A part of ourselves is not working, that we then begin to think about that.
Kevin
For sure that's exactly it. Whenever one part of ourselves feels deficient we tap into the other parts of ourselves to find what we're missing. I wonder for you as a coach where do you see this in the lives of your students?
Kathy
Well, I think they're like most people not thinking about their souls, like they don't have time to or they don't know what that looks like or what that means. And so if there's no awareness about soul care and practices, then you can't move forward. You can't, like you said, you won't have anything to show in those times where you need it the most. And so today we want to discuss the first three S's of soul care in hopes of beginning this discussion.
Kathy
So the first S is solitude. And we're going to define solitude as uninterrupted alone time in a distraction free environment. Uninterrupted alone time in a distraction free environment. It's kind of a joke where we think, what? Which environment is distraction-free these days? But what are your thoughts on solitude and how do you think that we can find this in the busyness of our world?
Kevin
Yeah, what you pointed out in that definition is what stood out to me is the distraction free environment. I can't think of an environment that is distraction free. Likewise, we fill our lives with a lot of positive distractions as well, friends, family, hobbies, things that we like to do.
Kevin
But solitude is that practice that we are intentionally letting go of those things that keep us busy, that keep us distracted from what's actually going on inside. And it becomes the way that we cope with our pain and our lives being the way that they are so hectic and crazy is by continually moving from one thing to the next to keep our mind busy so it's not flooded with those deeper, harder feelings that are conjuring inside. And so it's definitely a hard one. But something that comes to mind is the need to sacrifice something to find that solitude often will require saying no to things or to people and creating that intentional space for that solitude.
Kathy
And in our community, what we talk about that might be helpful is to actually schedule in times of solitude. One homework assignment – and our listeners can do this – this week is to schedule a soul date for themselves where they can enter into the solitude. I would say that doesn't have to be long. It can be 20 minutes. It doesn't have to be, oh, I don't have an entire day. It can be a short period of time. It could be 20 minutes. And the best thing about entering into solitude, the best benefit we have from solitude is that it allows us after we've been in solitude to be more present.
Kevin
And that leads us well into our next S of soul care, is silence. And so we define silence as abstaining from speaking, reading and noise in order to be quiet. Gosh, I'm thinking about how noisy my work is, how noisy the world is, the freeways are, the news is, my phone can be, gosh, Kathy, how do we find silence in this day and age?
Kathy
Another good question, the first thing I would say is I think everyone needs to stop and think about how they feel about silence. Does it make you nervous if things are too quiet? Are we okay with there being no noise or background music or background TV? We turn on all of these things to avoid the silence, so I think it's important to have a little conversation with ourselves to determine how we feel about the silence, and if we're giving ourselves permission to enter the silence, then silence practices will be beneficial to us.
Kevin
That's so true. And I think just from personal experience, learning to be comfortable with silence. For most people, I think they're adverse to being in silence because the silence isn't silent. When you're starting off trying to be silent, that's where all the noise comes up with your thoughts, your feelings, all of those fears and concerns, the worries, the to-do list, everything starts to rush in when you create that space and that silence. And so if you find yourself struggling to find that silence, even when you're being intentional about it, my encouragement is to keep trying.
Kevin
Keep creating that space for silence. You can keep a pad of paper next to you so that if thoughts and things that you need to remember flood in in those moments of silence, write them down and then move back to your silent place again. It's so important that we continue to practice silence, knowing that it's a hard thing to do and continue to go back to it again and again because after we move through all of that noise that floods in when we are silent, on the other side of that is that peaceful silence that I think that we're all craving.
Kathy
100% true. And yeah, the notebook is a really good idea. And then if you like to be active when you're trying to enter the silence, this is one that I do often is you can go on a walk without any music. But what you can do is listen to the sounds that you hear on your walk. You can start counting them. You can start cataloging them. Really what you are doing is you are entering silence, even though it sounds like you're not because you're hearing noises, but you're allowing the natural sounds to enter in instead of what we typically have are the distracted noises of the world entering in.
Kathy
So if you're going on this walk, it's a very good way. Maybe it's like a bridge to entering silent places. This is like a really good way to do it as well. And the main benefit from entering into silence when you do these practices is that then we're actually attuning our ears to listen.
Kevin
And attuning our ears to listen to self, all of those things that we push down and we're moving away from, those difficult feelings and thoughts. But when we learn to listen to self, we then are better able to listen to others and what their experiences are and be present to them in their pain and their story. And that leads us into our last S for this episode. And our third S is stillness. How are we defining stillness?
Kathy
Stillness is defined as "to stop, cease, desist, and disconnect from the outside world".
Kevin
Man, these are getting harder and harder, aren't they? They seem to also be building on one another. How do we get to this third S of stillness?
Kathy
Well, there's I think something that's been the theme of our discussion today is that there needs to be a lot of intentionality around this practice. So believe it or not, you may or may not know about this feature on your phone. It's called Do Not Disturb. And guess what? We can turn it on. And one practice that you can do is to turn it on on your phone for an hour a day. Put on Do Not Disturb on your phone and allow the stillness to come in as you disconnect.
Kathy
It doesn't mean that you're just going to be still during that time, but you're disconnecting from that usual hustle, bustle, chaos, noise. You could do something else in the stillness. It's not that you have to sit still. Notice that's not what we said. But the major benefit from entering into stillness is that we can become better engaged after being still.
Kathy
So out of these three, solitude, silence, or stillness, which one do you think is easiest for you?
Kevin
Gosh. I've had a lot of practice with silence, learning to be silent, and to tune into that silence. So I think that that's probably the one that's easiest for me. It's the hardest to find, but when it's there, I feel very comfortable with it, if that makes sense. What about for you?
Kathy
Uh, the easiest, and again, these aren't easy, but they come more naturally if you keep practicing, um, I would say is solitude because I really now look forward to times when nobody is at home, like, um, I think it was an hour today of no one being here so that I can enter into the solitude.
Kevin
Right. And which one's difficult for you?
Kathy
I think stillness is still hard for me. I'm the one telling you to put on do not disturb. The reason is, is I am such a breaking news type of person that, and especially these days, we've had a lot of breaking news that has been very important to our world that I don't want to miss out. It's the FOMO, that's terrible. But like, you're gonna miss out on hearing something or a text message or someone was trying to call you, but in the days when we didn't have technology, we all just waited.
Kathy
I lived during that time period. It was totally fine that we didn't find out for three hours about the breaking news or whatever it was, nothing happened. And it was actually all better because then we were all more, we weren't on this 24 hours a day, seven days a week, nonstop, chaotic, stressful rollercoaster of what we all are living on right now.
Kevin
And so to end our podcast today, we'd like to invite everybody to take a moment to do their own soul check-in. And so I'm going to hand it over to Kathy, who will lead us through that.
Kathy
Yes, I just invite you now to think about the words of this poem and check in with your soul. It is called "On Time" and it's by Ruth Haley Barton.
There have to be times in your life when you move slow. Times when you walk rather than run, settling into each step. There have to be times when you stop and gaze admiredly at loved ones, marveling that they have been given to you for this life.
Times when hugs linger and kisses are real. When food and drink are savored with gratitude and humility, rather than gulp down on your way to something else. There have to be times when you read for the sheer pleasure of it, marveling at the beauty of words and endless creativity in putting them together.
Times when you settle into the comforts of home and become human once again. There have to be times when you light a candle and find the tender place inside you that loves or sorrows or sings and you pray from that place.
Times when you let yourself feel, when you allow the tears to come rather than blinking them back because you don't have time to cry. There have to be times to sink into the soft body of yourself and love what you love simply because love itself is a grace.
Times when you sit with gratitude for the good gifts of your life that get lost and forgotten in the rush of things. Times to celebrate and play, to roll down hills, to splash in water or make leaf piles, to spread paint on paper or walls or each other.
There have to be times to sit and wait for the fullness of God that replenishes body, mind and soul. If you can even stand to be so full, there has to be time for the fullness of time or time is meaningless.
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Summary
In this short episode, Kevin guides you through a relaxing journey to an imaginary beach. Engage your senses by imagining the warm sand, blue sky, gentle waves, and refreshing ocean breeze. Immerse yourself as you create a place of tranquility that you can return to anytime you need.
Kevin
Now that the summer season is upon us, we could all use a vacation. Join me now in a meditation vacation. Before we begin, find a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down. I invite you to close your eyes and take a deep breath in through your nose, feeling your lungs completely.
Hold it for a moment and then slowly exhale through your mouth. Let's repeat this a few times. Breathe in through your nose, hold it, exhale through your mouth. Breathing in, hold, exhale. Continue breathing now in a comfortable rhythm. And let's go to the oceanside.
Imagine yourself standing at the shore of a beautiful beach. Feel the warmth of the golden sand beneath your feet. Notice how the grains of sand move gently between your toes and around your heels. The sand is warm, comforting, and grounding. As you stand here, take in your surroundings.
The sky above is a brilliant shade of blue, with gentle white clouds drifting by. The sun is shining brightly on your skin. Its warmth envelops your body, making you feel at ease. Take a moment to listen to the rhythmic sounds of the waves as they gently lap against the shore.
The ocean stretches out before you as a deep blue and turquoise. The sound of the waves are soothing; a natural symphony that calms your mind. Feel that gentle breeze blowing in from the ocean, carrying with it the faint scent of salt and sea.
This breeze cools your skin, bringing refreshment as it rustles the leaves of nearby palm trees. Now, begin to walk slowly along the shoreline. With each step, feel the cool, damp sand beneath your feet.
As you walk, notice how every so often a gentle wave makes its way to the shore, washing your feet up to your ankles. The water is pleasant and cool, a perfect contrast to the warmth of the sun and sand.
As you walk, turn your gaze to the horizon, where the sea meets the sky. Notice the subtle changes in color, the way the blues blend into a beautiful gradient green. A few seagulls soar overhead, their calls echoing softly in the distance, enhancing the peaceful soundscape.
Now, arrive to a spot where you feel comfortable to sit down. Feel the sand mold to your body, supporting you as you relax. Take a deep breath in and exhale. Let go of any remaining tension in your body.
Allow yourself to fully embrace this moment of tranquility. Imagine yourself lying back on the sand, looking up at the sky. Watch as the clouds drift by, slowly changing shapes and sizes. Feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, and let it soothe any lingering stress or worry.
Stay here for a while. Let the sights, sounds, and sensations fill you with a sense of calm and relaxation.
Know that you can return to this place anytime you need to find peace. When you're ready, slowly bring your awareness back to your physical surroundings. Start by moving your fingers and toes and gently stretch your body.
And let's take one last deep breath in and as you exhale, open your eyes. Notice the physical space around you and what's changed inside of you. I hope you're feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. May you carry this sense of calm wherever you go.
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Summary
This episode of “Coping” discusses the concept of a 'courage quotient' and presents seven acts of courage that individuals can rate themselves on, from 1 (weakest) to 7 (strongest). These acts include having a vision and dreams, seeing reality, confronting issues, accepting criticism, taking risks, being vulnerable, and following through on actions. Take time now to see where you stand, reflect on your strengths and areas for improvement regarding these acts of courage.
Kathy
When we talk about each act, I want you to think about on a scale of one to seven, one being the weakest, seven being the strongest, you're going to rate yourself to find your courage quotient.
Kevin
Number one: Do you have vision, goals and dreams? Then you may have the first act of courage. The courage to dream and to express it.
Kathy
So go ahead and rate yourself on the courage to dream.
Kevin
Number two: Do you have the ability to see truth and not have blinders on? Then you may have the second act of courage -- the courage to see reality.
Kathy
Rate yourself from one to seven on the ability to see truth.
Kevin
Number three: Do you have the ability to speak up? Speak truth to power and confront? Perhaps you have the third act of courage -- the courage to confront.
Kathy
What's your score on the courage to confront? Write it down.
Kevin
Number four: Maybe you are able to take critique and constructive criticism well. Then, you may have the fourth act of courage -- the courage to be confronted.
Kathy
Rate yourself on how well you can be confronted.
Kevin
Number five: are you able to step into the unknown and take risks? Then maybe you're able to exercise the fifth act of courage, the courage to learn and grow.
Kathy
How do you score on stepping into the unknown and taking risks?
Kevin
Number six. Perhaps you have the ability to be vulnerable with others, tell the truth of your story, and also ask for help. This exercise is the sixth act of courage, the courage to be vulnerable.
Kathy
Rate your vulnerability score now.
Kevin
And number seven. Maybe you have practiced the ability to step up and follow through. Then you are exercising the seventh act of courage, the courage to act.
Kathy
Rate your score for the seventh act of courage, the courage to act.
So good job everyone. What's your overall courage quotient? As you score yourself, which act of courage came easiest for you? And which one do you need some work on this week? Thanks so much for joining us for another episode of "Coping", and whatever you may be coping with, blessings to you.
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Summary
This episode of “Coping” discusses the concept of courage and introduces seven daily acts of courage as outlined by Robert Staub in his TED Talk. Kevin and Kathy engage in a thoughtful dialogue exploring each of the seven acts and share personal experiences and insights on how these acts manifest in their lives as well as the importance of practicing courage daily. At the end, you’ll be given the opportunity to rate yourself on each act of courage to determine your overall 'courage quotient'.
Kevin
Oh, hi, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of “Coping”.
Kathy
Yes, welcome back, everyone. Today, we want to continue our discussion on courage that we started our last podcast. And I have a question for you, Kevin: would you consider yourself a courageous person?
Kevin
Well, based on our last podcast episode conversation, I've been rethinking my definition of courage, the models and myths that I've developed over the years. I would say that I am a risk taker. I like to take risks, I like that feeling of taking a leap of faith, and then that leap being met with some success or improvement. So I don't know if I would say I'm courageous, but I definitely am open to taking calculated risks. And what about you? Do you consider yourself to be a courageous person?
Kathy
I think the same applies to if I consider myself to be a creative person. The answer is traditionally no. But I think that if I look into my life, I see lots of acts of courage and risk-taking. So others would say that about me. So I think this discussion today is really going to widen and round out our view of what courage looks like. So let's get started.
Kathy
So as you all know, in a recent spring retreat, I shared about this topic of courage. And I also introduced executive leadership coach speaker Robert Staub, who did a 2016 TED Talk called Daily Acts of Courage. And there he talks about how we can practice small acts every day to strengthen the courage of our hearts. It's such an interesting concept. And there are actually seven everyday acts of courage we can all engage in every single day to build up our courage.
Kathy
So the first act of courage is the courage to dream and express it. Do you have visions, goals, and dreams, Kevin? How's that for you?
Kevin
Yes, ever since a young age, I was a dreamer, had big plans for my life, envisioned my goals and went after them. I would say I erred on the side of dreaming and didn't always have a plan to accomplish those dreams and goals. In our relationship, I'm definitely the dreamer, but you're the person that helps make those dreams and goals become a reality. So that's why I think we partner well together. What about you? How do you express your dreaming and goal setting in your life, knowing that you're a very practical person?
Kathy
So I would say, and I often say to students, it's okay not to be a dreamer, not to have a dream, but what happens though is that we do have to have a plan for our lives moving forward. And if you look into my life, you see lots of dreaming, lots of ideas being carried out. There's two sources. We have to tap into the sources of where our dreaming can come from. For me, it has been my faith, where I actively am listening. That would be the number one source. And the second place is for the needs of those people I serve, I'm always dreaming for them. And that is how the dream comes true for me. I personally still to this day don't have any dreams, but if I dream for those that I'm helping and serving, there's lots. And I can then take steps toward that, courageous steps towards that. So it's very untraditional.
Kevin
Yeah, and I think that that leads us to the second act of courage, which is the courage to see current reality. This is something that I see you do particularly well, especially for the students that you work with. Do you have the ability to see the truth and not have blinders on? How do you have that unique and innate ability to see current reality? How do you do that?
Kathy
This is a really hard one, especially in light of how difficult our experiences are, the world around us, the reality, the harsh reality that we all are living in right now. I think first of all is that the ability to see reality is to admit truth to yourself, to be open to truth. I think it's a gift. I think discernment is a gift that we are given. So I've had that from a young age, the gift to see things as they are. But that doesn't mean that I wanted to always step into that. There was a period of time in my life where I shut my eyes to the harsh reality and I lived in a fantasy world and a dream-like state of like, oh, everyone's helpful, everyone's nice, everyone has my best interest at heart.
Kathy
I don't believe that any longer, sadly. But I know that now we live in a broken world, but we're here to help redeem the broken places. So that helps me to embrace the truth of things because only when we can see broken things as they are can we actually move in to try and come alongside to help fix, support, et cetera.
Kevin
Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Kathy
And what about you? Do you feel like you have the ability to see truth without the blinders on?
Kevin
I've had to learn how to do this. I think the practice of seeing current reality and accepting it and not getting lost in the dream world like you said, is a practice I've developed in my work as a chaplain with other people, especially those who are sick and in pain in the hospital, getting new diagnoses. There's a sacredness and the ability to be present to somebody in their story and in their pain and not try to silver line their difficult and challenging experience. And so to support somebody who is struggling is the ability to see them and their pain and not trying to fix it. So I've, I've practiced that quite a lot in my work and gotten pretty good at it. Even though it doesn't come as naturally to me.
Kathy
Yes. To sit in the present reality with them, which is very bleak at times.
Kevin
Right. Right.
Kathy
And you know, that leads us to the third act of courage, the courage to confront. You know, truth has a lot to do with courage. So first we're talking about the truth of acknowledging reality. And then the second part is the courage to confront. And this one, as we know, is especially difficult. One I've had to work on over the years to be able to not only see the truth, but then confront it when necessary. I would say that I'm okay at doing it. I just know it's part of leadership now. And it's just one of those things, skills that you can have. It doesn't ever make it any easier, I would say, but I do have that skill now in my tool bag, but it's still really hard. How about you?
Kevin
Yeah, I think that when I think about confrontation it makes me a little bit nervous. I don't like hurting other people's feelings. I care way too much about what people think about me, how they perceive me, and I want everybody to like me. And so confrontation is a hard practice when you care a lot about those things and for me a little bit too much about those things. But I've learned in my life that the most meaningful relationships, the most meaningful experiences, are the ones where I'm willing to speak the truth, to tell the truth to somebody, to endure confrontation, and to face things head-on. And so I don't like to be the one to initiate the confrontation, but if somebody has something they want to tell me about that I've done, something that I did or said and wasn't aware of, I want somebody to point it out to me because I don't want to be, you know, hurting other people's feelings or to be doing something that I haven't given a lot of thought to so, yeah, confrontation is hard, but I've I've learned that there can be some good that comes from healthy confrontation.
Kathy
Yes, that's actually the fourth act of courage that you're talking about. So the third one is the courage to confront and the fourth is the courage to be confronted.
Kevin
Yeah, I think I find this one to be much easier for me. What about for you? How do you feel about confronting and being confronted?
Kathy
Yeah, so again, I think both these areas have had to work on a lot as a two on the Enneagram -- helper -- I didn't like other people's perception of me and that was very hard. I was very sensitive as a young child to criticism, to people saying things. As I grew older I began to understand the value of standing up for truth. I am an advocate. So being able to confront others, but then also having to be confronted. It works both sides of the coin -- If we can confront we have to be able to be confronted. So it's hard But I would say again, it's something that I'm used to doing fairly often. I had someone do it this week about an experience that they had in one of our programs and they're like, "Oh, sorry to tell you this" and I was like, "No tell me. I really do want to hear because I desperately want to improve and for us to get better."
Kevin
Yeah, and that leaves us perfectly into our fifth act of courage and that's the courage to learn and to grow. And so like you just said, we're open to confrontation because you and I both share a value of always learning and always growing, being open to new ways of seeing things, new perspectives. We want to know those hard truths so that we can improve all of the ways of being in the world. Have you always been the kind of person courageous enough to always want to learn and grow?
Kathy
No, I'm not a risky person. I don't like change. I don't like risks. I don't like things changing, no. And I think that's surprising for people who see the outer view of me, because they're like, "You're always changing. You're always pivoting." And I'm like, yes, but I had to, again, step into that. And for me, it is faith. That's the core of it, that if I feel like it's a faith move, then I can step into learning and growing, because I know that my faith is empowering me and those around me.
Kevin
Yeah. It's so interesting to hear you say that you're not the kind of person that likes change and risk. I know that to be true about you, but I also see it as somebody that does want to always learn and always wants to grow and is always taking in new information, new perspectives and so I wonder if you could say a little bit more about how you wrestle with that tension in your own life.
Kathy
Yeah, I was gonna say that just like we talked in our last podcast about fear and courage existing in the same moment -- Is this the same, right? It's okay to not like risks. It's okay to not like change but know that all of the change and the growth and dreaming is necessary to move us forward to higher versions of ourselves, our callings our service and so if you're not wanting to do that. That's okay. I don't think I want to do it either. I would rather just stay home all day and watch my favorite Netflix shows and not take risks and not move forward. Yeah, like we all -- I want everyone to understand. like even people like us that you all see that are doing that, I personally, it's not my favorite. But again, it's about in the end you have to determine what kind of life do you want for yourself? If it's a life of stagnation or a life of growth and a life of growth involves work, investment, constant sowing and discipline. So whatever life you want, you know, if you want to live a courageous life, you have to put the work into it. So that's just the bottom line. You don't have to like it. I don't necessarily like it all the time, but I know that it's necessary. That's where the tension exists.
Kevin
So what's number six? What's the sixth act of courage?
Kathy
So you already mentioned this one, but this is one that's I think is really interesting. Staub says that the sixth act of courage -- courage is the ability to be vulnerable with others and living the truth of your story and also asking for help, being able to ask for help. You shared a little bit earlier about the vulnerable piece. What about you?
Kevin
Yeah, I love the correlation between living your truth but also asking for help. I have learned over the years that vulnerability comes naturally to those who have had a lot of hardship and challenges in their life. And so that pain is very present to me in all of my experiences, even when I'm having my most joyous moments, that sadness is lingering right there. When I'm sitting with people in their pain, I'm feeling my own resonance with that pain that they've had because of my own history of pain and loss. And so I think vulnerability is that ability to tap into my own experiences of pain and express some compassion for people who are experiencing that themselves. But true vulnerability is not suspended on its own.
Kevin
And so true vulnerability is coupled with good systems of support. When I'm just vulnerable, I'm just feeling pain and feeling the person's pain that I'm with. But the ability to show up courageously and to be vulnerable with somebody is recognizing that, yes, I do have my pain, but I'm also walking down a pathway of healing. And because I know that healing from that pain is possible, I can convey that to the person that I'm with. So vulnerability is not just a feeling. The courage of vulnerability is asking for help and having systems of support in place to support my pain so that I can support others who are in pain as well.
Kathy
It's interesting that you're talking about vulnerability isn't a feeling, it's an action because that leads us to the seventh act of courage, which is the courage to act. In the end, courage is not a word, it's not a feeling, it's not a label, it's an action. So if you have practiced the ability to step up and follow through in your life, then this is what he says: the seventh act of courage is the courage to act.
Kevin
And I love how each of the acts of courage build on one another and lead to action themselves. When we think about courageous people and how they're brave enough to make change in their lives, to take those leaps of faith, we can see it's not just one isolated decision, it's a series of decisions, a series of acts, if you will, that lead to even more action in their life.
Kathy
Yes, I love that he's built this bridge of courage for us in these seven acts, and they're so practical. I just have loved learning about this. And to sum up basically what we've done today, one of the quotes he says, he teaches, "small daily acts of courage can develop the cardiovascular system of your soul". Small daily acts of courage can develop the cardiovascular system of your soul. So I wonder today, how is your soul doing with regards to courage? We thought we would help you figure out your courage quotient today.
Kathy
We're going to review the seven acts. And what I would like you to do now, if you'd like to join us, you would grab a piece of paper. I'll let you do that. While you're grabbing your piece of paper, you want to number from one to seven. The one to seven is going to represent the seven daily acts of courage that we just talked about. So you're numbering your paper one to seven and then here's what we're going to do. When we talk about each act, I want you to think about on a scale of one to seven, one being the weakest, seven being the strongest, you're going to rate yourself to find your courage quotient.
Kevin
Number one, do you have vision, goals, and dreams? Then you may have the first act of courage, the courage to dream and to express it.
Kathy
So go ahead and rate yourself on the courage to dream.
Kevin
Number two, do you have the ability to see truth and not have blinders on? Then you may have the second act of courage, the courage to see reality.
Kathy
Rate yourself from one to seven on the ability to see truth.
Kevin
Number three, do you have the ability to speak up, speak truth to power and confront? Perhaps you have the third act of courage, the courage to confront.
Kathy
What's your score on the courage to confront? Write it down.
Kevin
Number four, maybe you are able to take critique and constructive criticism well. Then you may have the fourth act of courage, the courage to be confronted.
Kathy
Rate yourself on how well you can be confronted.
Kevin
Number five, are you able to step into the unknown and take risks? Then maybe you're able to exercise the fifth act of courage, the courage to learn and grow.
Kathy
How do you score on stepping into the unknown and taking risks?
Kevin
Number six, perhaps you have the ability to be vulnerable with others, tell the truth of your story, and also ask for help. This exercise is the sixth act of courage, the courage to be vulnerable.
Kathy
Rate your vulnerability score now.
Kevin
And number seven, maybe you have practiced the ability to step up and follow through. Then you are exercising the seventh act of courage, the courage to act.
Kathy
Rate your score for the seventh act of courage, the courage to act. So good job, everyone. What's your overall courage quotient? As you score yourself, which act of courage came easiest for you? And which one do you need some work on this week? Thanks so much for joining us for another episode of "Coping" and whatever you may be coping with, blessings to you.
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Felice St John leads you through a guided meditation focused on breath awareness, releasing negative thoughts or emotions, visualizing positive intentions, and allowing healing energy to flow through the body. The meditation aims to promote a deep sense of peace, relaxation, and connection with a higher power or life force. It encourages participants to let go of what no longer serves them and create space for new, positive experiences and desires. Enjoy! From Be Well to you.
Felice St. John
Sitting comfortably or lying down with your eyes closed, let's begin by becoming aware of the breath. Breathing in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth. Just taking your time to connect with your breath and be with yourself throughout this meditation.
Feel the breath as it enters with a cool feeling and then warming as it gently travels down into the lungs. Fill the lungs with a deep inhale, bringing in energy, vitality, connecting you back to source energy, the life force, God, the universe.
As you exhale, feel the body releasing toxins and stress and any negativity that has accumulated in your body. Stay with this breath, focusing on the feeling of deep peace, deep inhalations and exhalations at your own pace.
Keep with your breath as we continue. What are you holding on to that you need to let go of and release? Conjure an image for that. See it clearly and then let it go. Maybe it's a specific image or a color or a feeling.
Maybe you want to gently take that image from your mind's eye and crumple it up and toss it away to the side. Or maybe it's an image in a cloud and you want to give a big, deep exhalation and let that image just blow away.
Feel the energy of release in your body and how that creates new space for a new image of where you are heading. See that image brightly and vividly in your mind. Become aware of the warmth and tingling of every cell in your body as you focus deeply on that new image, that new color.
Feel it in your body. Look at that image in your mind's eye, focusing on it. Feel the energy that is in the extended environment in every part of nature and in every living thing that is working for you and for what you are creating space for.
Bring all those energies together and feel them as one. Visualize all of that thriving energy shining brightly as the sun. Bring the shining glow of bright energy over the crown of your head. Let it hover there for a moment and then feel it starting to travel down into your body from the top of your head, slowly going down into your face and neck, traveling down into the shoulders, all the way down into your arms and down into your fingers.
Feel that healing energy and light going down from your chest all the way down your back, your abdomen into your hips. And feel it continue traveling down your legs all the way down to your toes. Your whole body is now filled with divine healing light and energy, thriving energy.
Allow that healing energy to completely fill any physical area that needs healing energy anywhere in your body. Feel it warming, healing and expanding through that area with a bright glow. Allow the healing light to bring peace and healing to any emotional issues or traumas.
Let it fill the gaps where the old image took up space. Bring your awareness to any intentions or desires that you may have, to your new image, holding the thoughts of those intentions or desires as you allow the healing energy to bring your deepest desires to life and your intentions into reality.
Feel your connection to divine energy and light and know that all is one. Stay with this deep, relaxing, peaceful feeling of bliss. Inhaling and exhaling slowly. Knowing that you are at peace and that you can tap into this peace anytime you need to, it is accessible to you.
Take a few more deep breaths and when you're ready, you may slowly open your eyes. And feel this deep sense of peace that you carry with you.
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Kathy and Kevin discuss the topic of courage and explore its true meaning beyond the common misconceptions. Reframing the perception of courage as not just physical bravery but as the ability to stay true to one's desires and walk one's own path despite fears or external pressures is important on your path to becoming healthy.
Kathy
Welcome back everyone for another episode of “Coping”.
Kevin
That's right. So today we're going to talk about a new topic, something that we just explored in a recent spring retreat that you led.
Kathy
Yes, our spring retreat was titled, Take Courage.
Kevin
That's right. So I wonder, what comes to mind when we think of courage? What does that word mean?
Kathy
That's a great question. What do you think?
Kevin
Well, when I think of courage, I think about somebody who faces their fears. I also think about gladiators in ancient Rome, folks who were fighting for survival and showing brute force and physical strength, sort of like the idea that comes to mind for me.
Kathy
Yeah, there's so much to explore with this topic of courage. Let's get started.
Kathy
So, as we mentioned, our topic today is courage. A recent retreat was Take Courage. And when I did some research exploring the root of the word courage, I found something really interesting. So, the Latin word from courage comes from the word 'core'. And the earliest forms of the word, you know, courage had a different definition than it does today. Courage actually meant to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart.
Kevin
Oh, fascinating. I did not know that. So I guess that begs the question, how is courage related to telling one's story or, as the quote says, to speak one's mind and telling their heart? How are those things related to telling your story?
Kathy
Sure. So what I think is that the true definition of courage has to do with the ability of us being vulnerable and authentic in the telling of our stories.
Kevin
Say more about what it means to speak your heart.
Kathy
So I would say that when we speak our hearts, we're listening to what the truths are that we hold dear. But what often happens is the noise of our world clouds that out, other people's expectations, us wanting to people please, us not wanting to let others down. We don't get to live our truth because of all of the noise and the anxiety surrounding what other people want for us. But when we get to the core of what we actually desire and care about is being able to speak our truths.
Kevin
Hmm. What I hear you saying is that speaking your heart is getting honest with yourself about what your desires are, your hopes, your dreams are, as opposed to all the expectations, all of the outward distractions and things that pull us one way or the other, but to stay true to our path where we want to go, where we feel like we're being led.
Kathy
Absolutely. Has that been a struggle for you?
Kevin
I've definitely struggled with that I am the type of person that people pleases and lives a life seeking out external affirmation and wanting to please others around me and seeking that validation from others but in the in the times where I feel most discontent it's the times that I'm seeking the most external validation and approval from others and in the times where I've been most satisfied or have been most confident or have made the hardest decisions in my life and the best ones are the times that I decided to stay true to my heart to speak my truth and to walk that path.
Kathy
Mm-hmm, and that is the essence of courage is what you're describing
Kevin
I have a feeling there's some myths around courage. Can you tell us a little bit about some of the misconceptions and the myths surrounding the idea of courage?
Kathy
Sure, so the first myth that we often hear is, "I don't feel courageous."
Kevin
Right.
Kathy
And I can think back to times in my own life when I did courageous acts and in the midst of it, wasn't feeling particularly courageous or brave or strong, but I was still moving forward into those actions which others would describe as courageous. I wonder, I know that you have had many courageous acts in your life. Were you feeling courage in those moments and spaces?
Kevin
Hmm, In the times where I was appearing in the world as most courageous were the times that I felt like I had no other option, that I had to do the brave thing because it was the only thing I was faced with an impossible circumstance and was left with no other choice but to be courageous, that I had to face some of the challenges in my life and take them head on. I don't know if it was courage in my traditional understanding of courage of being brave and facing my fears as much as it was looking internally to my heart and coming to terms with what I wanted for my life and seeking that. So I think the definition that you described today, I would say yeah, I was courageous, although I didn't feel courageous.
Kathy
And you're explaining really well the truth that can debunk this myth that you don't feel courageous is that courage is an action, not a feeling. And one of my favorite quotes about this comes from Sir Winston Churchill who said, "Fear is a reaction, courage is a decision."
Kevin
Hmm, that resonates with the times in my life where I needed courage the most. There was less about me feeling it was the right thing to do or feeling brave or feeling strong or courageous It was more about I just I have to I have to move forward and I don't feel confident in this decision, but I'm gonna move this way in faith and just trust that I'm doing the best that I can with what I have right now and then looking back seeing how courageous some of those actions were even though the feeling wasn't there. It's almost as if to say I didn't have the feeling but once I took the action the feeling followed.
Kathy
Yes, so you've unlocked one of the keys to courage is at that moment of decision between fear and courage, you acknowledged the fear, but you set it aside because in your heart of hearts, you wanted to choose the courageous thing.
Kevin
Yeah, and I think that that leads us to another myth about courage, and that courage is the absence of fear. I think that fear and courage actually can coexist within us. We are complex beings. We're not feeling just one distinct feeling at a time. It's often layers and layers of feelings. And this reminds me of the quote from one of our favorite authors, Brene Brown, who says it best. She says, "courage and fear are not mutually exclusive. Most of us feel brave and afraid at the exact same time." This has been so true in my life. What about for you?
Kathy
I love this quote. It's so freeing for all of us because that means that I don't have to not be afraid to be courageous. I just need to acknowledge the fear, set that aside and take the step of faith. So when you described in your life feeling like you had another choice. Well, you did have a choice: you had a choice to stay in fear but instead you took the step and that just shows that fear and courage are in the same spaces and we think we don't have a choice, but we always do.
Kevin
I would even go further and say that it wasn't even a matter of setting the fear aside or choosing courage over fear, some of the cliches in our society around being brave. I think it was more about choosing action in the face of fear, that I wasn't going to let the fear paralyze me and hold me back, that in the face of fear, and because of fear, I was going to move forward and find a way to a greater sense of peace, that doing nothing was part of what was contributing to my fear and being paralyzed. And I would much rather be moving forward in pain and struggle than to be locked in fear, which is, for me, just as painful as the thing that I don't want to do.
Kathy
Yeah, it's a great way to explain it and I think speaking of fear and paralysis of fear another myth that we often hear is, "well, I don't like taking risks". So, if you don't like taking risks, how does courage play into that? I myself don't like taking risks.
Kevin
Yeah, no, I know that you are risk-averse, you're very practical and wanting to slow down, be methodical. It's what makes us great partners because I am the opposite. I'm ready to take a risk that's going to help us to level up and to better our circumstances. But based on what we're talking about today, risk taking as it relates to courage is more about getting honest with those fears inside of us and the things that are holding us back.
Kathy
Yes, I think that that allows courage to become more accessible for us when we frame it in that way. And so the last myth that we want to address today is the "I don't know how to be courageous". In other words, I don't know what everyday courage looks like. What do you say to that?
Kevin
Yeah, I think just based on our conversation today, it's time that we reframe our understanding of courage and the images of people that we have being courageous. I have a feeling my definition of courage in the gladiator in the coliseum is not the best picture of what real courage looks like and has looked like in my life.
Kevin
And so if I have that image of courage, I have a feeling that many people have these gladiator images of courage, and we need to have a different understanding of what courage looks like. And so if we get honest with ourselves and what's happening internally inside of us, and that's courageous, maybe we just look to the mentors in our life, the friends in our life who have made hard decisions, who have overcome their own insecurities and have walked their own path.
Kathy
Yeah, I think that's an excellent point. We began our Spring retreat with talking about the models of courage and thinking about your family of origin, what did you see, what did courage look like for you growing up?
Kathy
I think it's a really important piece to living a courageous life every day. And another answer to the question of "I don't know what courage looks like every day" is this quote from Maya Angelou that she says, "you develop courage by doing courageous things, small things, but things that cost you some exertion." So the good news is that courage can be practiced. And it's just one small step at a time. And I think that can bring us all hope today.
Kevin
And so today we'll end our episode with a peaceful meditation by one of our newest Be Well coaches, Felice St. John. And so wherever you are today, we say blessings to you.
Felice St. John
Sitting comfortably or lying down with your eyes closed, let's begin by becoming aware of the breath. Breathing in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth. Just taking your time to connect with your breath and be with yourself throughout this meditation.
Feel the breath as it enters with a cool feeling and then warming as it gently travels down into the lungs. Fill the lungs with a deep inhale, bringing in energy, vitality, connecting you back to source energy, the life force, God, the universe.
As you exhale, feel the body releasing toxins and stress and any negativity that has accumulated in your body. Stay with this breath, focusing on the feeling of deep peace, deep inhalations and exhalations at your own pace.
Keep with your breath as we continue. What are you holding on to that you need to let go of and release? Conjure an image for that. See it clearly and then let it go. Maybe it's a specific image or a color or a feeling.
Maybe you want to gently take that image from your mind's eye and crumple it up and toss it away to the side. Or maybe it's an image in a cloud and you want to give a big deep exhalation and let that image just blow away.
Feel the energy of release in your body and how that creates new space for a new image of where you are heading. See that image brightly and vividly in your mind. Become aware of the warmth and tingling of every cell in your body as you focus deeply on that new image, that new color.
Feel it in your body. Look at that image in your mind's eye, focusing on it. Feel the energy that is in the extended environment in every part of nature and in every living thing that is working for you and for what you are creating space for.
Bring all those energies together and feel them as one. Visualize all of that thriving energy shining brightly as the sun. Bring the shining glow of bright energy over the crown of your head. Let it hover there for a moment and then feel it starting to travel down into your body from the top of your head.
Slowly going down into your face and neck, traveling down into the shoulders all the way down into your arms and down into your fingers. Feel that healing energy and light going down from your chest all the way down your back, your abdomen into your hips.
Feel it continue traveling down your legs all the way down to your toes. Your whole body is now filled with divine healing light and energy, thriving energy. Allow that healing energy to completely fill any physical area that needs healing energy anywhere in your body.
Feel it warming, healing and expanding through that area with a bright glow. Allow the healing light to bring peace and healing to any emotional issues or traumas. Let it fill the gaps where the old image took up space.
Bring your awareness to any intentions or desires that you may have to your new image. Holding the thoughts of those intentions or desires as you allow the healing energy to bring your deepest desires to life and your intentions into reality.
Feel your connection to divine energy and light and know that all is one. Stay with this deep, relaxing, peaceful feeling of bliss. Inhaling and exhaling slowly. Knowing that you are at peace and that you can tap into this peace anytime you need to, it is accessible to you.
Take a few more deep breaths and when you are ready, you may slowly open your eyes and feel this deep sense of peace that you carry with you.
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Summary
Kathy interviews Leslie on writing her memoir. She discusses her journey from journaling privately to publishing a book sharing her story and healing process. Listen to how the power of writing can transform your life.
Kathy: So welcome, Leslie. My first question is, what prompted you to write your memoir, your own story?
Leslie: Well, I love to write. I just, growing up, I didn't know what, exactly. I started when I was younger, like just writing in my journal, because I did not know how to express myself, so the only way I could do it is through journaling. And then I discovered later on that I just love writing. I wanted to write a devotional because I felt like devotions are so pretty. And so, you know, just something that takes, that I could write about God and not about me. But then once I started writing, the only thing I could write is my story and then God began to work there.
Kathy: Well, you mentioned one obstacle already of wanting to write your own story. What other obstacles did you face in this project?
Leslie: For sure, fear of a lot of things. But one thing that, because I started writing a few years ago, but I got stuck and the fear of being vulnerable. I felt that it was too much or too "out there". And I just was thinking of what if people say this or like just focusing on that and I didn't know how to be vulnerable.
Kathy: And then how did you overcome that? Because I'll just get stuck there, right? We're like, oh, nobody cares about this or people are going to judge me or I'm telling too, it's TMI.
Kathy: Yes.
Leslie: I remember one day in particular that I was just wanting to write. And then, so I got it again and now I just kept writing. And at that very moment, God began to heal some of the things that I wasn't writing and I realized that I was being healed while I was writing. And I wanted to experience that and help someone else experience it. I knew that the smallest thing people can relate to. So I felt like if I just write this and one person can relate, then it'll be worth it, you know? I'll write about my life and about healing, but the healing part of writing this book was another level.
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Kathy and Kevin discuss overcoming common blocks people face in sharing their personal stories and why every human story matters. They address common myths that our stories are boring or unimportant, fears of revisiting the past or reactions from others, and the healing power of vulnerability in finding connection and give listeners advice about why each story matters and how to start small by sharing with trusted individuals to begin integrating past and present into an evolving narrative arc.
Author Leslie Carcamo discusses the transformative power of writing her memoir, “Walking in Healing”.
Kevin: Hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping".
Kathy: Yes, welcome everyone. Today we want to finish up our story theme as we dive into asking the question, "Does your story matter?"
Kevin: "Does our story matter?" That's a great question. Let's get started.
Kathy: So In our Story Journey this year we are learning about our story myths, origin stories and now writing our stories. So as every author knows, you know, we have to wrestle with what we call writer's block. And whether you're writing your story or telling your life story, there are these blocks that arise. So we know that there are around three reasons why we experience blocks and sharing our own stories, but really at the core is this question we're diving in today: Does my story matter?
Kevin: Yeah, it's a really great question. In my work as a chaplain spending time with patients in a hospital setting, most of the work that I do centers around meaning-making which happens through conversation and delving into patient stories, their experience both before being diagnosed and now with a new onset illness or medical crisis that's going on in their life and Sometimes patients will conclude sharing their story by saying something like, "Well I know that others have it way worse than I do" or they'll say something like, "Well, I don't want to bore you with my story." So it's interesting. There are these blocks in sharing our own story and that question arising, "does my story matter and what is it mean in comparison to other people's stories who perhaps have it worse than I do or have different experiences than I do? What value does my story have? And why should I share my story with other people?"
Kathy: Yes, I've heard all of those. And I've experienced that as well. I know that when I was younger, I would say, like, high school and college years, I thought my life story was super boring. I didn't have any drama or crisis, you know, I was basically the good girl. So I thought that was very uninteresting and nobody would care to hear that story. Yeah, I just thought, "who wants to hear my story? My story doesn't really matter."
Kevin: Right. And of course, I know most of your story you describe yourself as the good girl growing up but then life happened. Do you mind sharing a little bit more about how your life and story unfolded?
Kathy: Yes, so some of our listeners already know that in my late 30s that we experienced a family crisis and I think of course it wasn't boring any longer I couldn't say that but I was I'll admit that I was ashamed to tell my story for probably about 10 years because there was a lot of judgment from different places about my situation and my choices and I would say maybe within the last seven years -- which is very recent -- I have embraced my story and integrated into the person that you know me to be now.
Kevin: Mm-hmm. Yeah that integration piece is such an important part of processing our stories making sense of the things that have happened to us and then finding a pathway forward right? It's a journey, as you said. Yeah so I know that you are in the middle of a Journey with a group of students who are exploring their stories writing their stories tell us a little bit about what you're learning in that group and some of the lessons that we can learn about the types of story blocks that we all can experience.
Kathy: Yes it's an amazing Journey and it hasn't been easy just like our lives right? The book we have chosen is Leslie Leyland Fields' "Your Story Matters" and in that, because she's an author and writer herself and a writing coach, she talks about the obstacles like the writing blocks to sharing your story and the first one she talks about is the one I mentioned earlier about me that I experienced and it's the one that says "my life is uninteresting". My story doesn't matter because my life is uninteresting. And while that might be factually true, let's say you are, in your estimation, leading a boring or uninteresting life, one thing to remember is that all of our stories are human stories. So that means that someone out there can always benefit from your story.
Kevin:
And say a little bit more about that. Why is it that somebody else can benefit from that?
Kathy: So in our class, for example, we had a writing prompt called, "How I Got to School Every Day". And when I proposed this, they were like, that's a one word answer, Kathy: , how I got to school every day. I was like, "okay, well tell the stories surrounding how you got to school when you were younger." Oh my goodness, it opened up so much rich storytelling. and connecting where people would say, "oh, I took the bus too, but my bus ride was different" or "I walked to school too". We all connected around how we got to school. It was amazing.
Kevin: Yeah, so what you're saying basically is that because our stories are human, it creates a opportunity for connection because we're all human and sharing our story creates that human connection. That's awesome. I know you've shared with me about some of these other blocks and that second block that we can experience in sharing our own story is the fear of the past. So basically this is the fear where somebody could say something like, "I don't want my past to define me. I'm moving forward. I wanna focus on the future. And I don't know how to reconcile my past with my present and where I'm headed with my future." This is one that I've definitely wrestled with in my life.
Having come through a lot of hardship and overcome a lot in my life. A lot of people that I encounter in my life now can't make sense of my past and where I've come from and the story that somebody like me failed my senior year of high school and was a terrible student. So I've had to do a lot of work in my life to reconcile where I've come from to where I am today and make sense of what I've overcome to be able to articulate that to others and sharing my story, but then also for myself that it feels like two different lives that I've lived.
Kathy: And how would you say that what were some of the things you did to overcome the fear that your past could define you or that people would not understand? They couldn't reconcile the two.
Kevin: I think I had to get honest with myself about what the purpose of telling my story was. I think for a while, I would share my past struggles as a way to get sympathy and empathy, as a way to help bring some soothing to the pain that I had. And then as I got older, I think I started to share parts of my story so that people would be impressed with me. And I think I'm still working on that now as I continue to get older and evolve and recognize that as I share my story, perhaps the most powerful thing I can do in sharing my story is share it so there's that connection that we just talked about earlier, so that parts of my story can encourage and empower somebody who may have some similar experience that I do. So the story is mine, but it's no longer about me.
Kathy: That's excellent advice, and thanks for sharing that. It reminds me of something that Leslie Fields says is that we can never be the hero or heroine of our own stories. And I thought that was very interesting. And what she means by that is that our stories are meant to serve the world. If our motive or our time is spent trying to win people of our story or to show all the things that we've overcome instead of figuring out what are the truths and lessons that we can pass on to others as a result, then we then take ourselves out of the main character role and that's when we actually find connection.
Kevin: Yeah, exactly.
Kathy: And so that brings us to our third block, which is very related to the last one, is "I'm afraid of telling the truth". Now that's not, you might be afraid of telling the truth, but regarding your story, it could be that you don't want to share your story because you're afraid of what friends or family members are going to say. You wanna stay in relationships. You don't want to disconnect as a result of sharing your story. And this is a very valid block. And the way that you can work through this, if this is yours, is to find a trusted person or group to share your true story. And if you are wanting to write like a memoir, you can always change names or change the events a bit or even ask their permission if that's an option for you. But regardless of how and when you share it, it is the act of sharing your truth that is most important. What do you think about that?
Kevin: Yeah, I think that that's such good advice. And perhaps the only thing to add here is to start small with sharing your story. Start with telling that one trusted friend. Start with telling your therapist, whatever therapeutic relationship you find yourself in. Go find a therapist if you don't have one. And then maybe you're in a small group and you wanna share that with a group of trusted peers. And then you go from there. So it's so important that you're telling your story somewhere that you can be seen and heard somewhere and see where that story and that journey of telling your story takes you.
Kathy: For sure. One of our favorite life coach, spiritual coaches, Iyanla Vanzant says, “when you share your story, you heal yourself and you heal others.”
Kevin: Yeah, that's so good.
Kathy: And that is the crux of why your story matters.
Kevin: Yeah, yeah. And so to sum up our episode today, your story does matter. It's important that you share your story. If you find yourself running into some blocks, it may be one of these three: that your story feels uninteresting, that you don't really want to revisit the past because you're focusing on the future, or that you're worried about telling your truth because of how it may impact your relationships around you. I just want to encourage you, if you're facing any of these three blocks, that your story does matter. There is somebody that could benefit from hearing what you've been through and how you've overcome, and so share your story with somebody that you trust and see where that journey of telling your story might take you.
Kathy: Yes, for sure. To end our podcast today, we're going to hear a story from one of our Be Well community members, Leslie Carcamo. I am interviewing her on her new memoir, "Walking in Healing". Leslie's book is available on Amazon.
Kevin: Yes, let's listen now. As we end, whatever it is you may be coping with, blessings to you.
Kathy: Welcome, Leslie. My first question is, what prompted you to write your memoir, your own story?
Leslie: Well, I love to write. I just, growing up, I didn't know what exactly. I started when I was younger, like just writing in my journal because I did not know how to express myself. So the only way I could do it is through journaling. And then I discovered later on that I just love writing. I wanted to write a devotional because I felt like devotionals are so pretty. And so, you know, just something that I could write about God and not about me. But then once I started writing, the only thing I could write is my story and then God began to work there, so.
Kathy: Okay, well you mentioned one obstacle already of wanting to write your own story. What other obstacles did you face in this project?
Leslie: For sure, fear of a lot of things, but one thing that, because I started writing a few years ago, but I got stuck in the fear of being vulnerable. I felt that it was too much or too out there, and I just was thinking of "what if people say this" or like just focusing on that and I just didn't know how to be vulnerable.
Kathy: And then how did you overcome that? It gets stuck there, right? We're like, oh, nobody cares about this or people are going to judge me or I'm telling too much. It's TMI.
Leslie: I remember one day in particular that I was just wanting to write and then so I got it again and now I just kept writing and at that very moment God began to heal some of the things that I was writing and I realized that I was being healed while I was writing and I wanted to experience that and help someone else experience that. I knew that the smallest thing people can relate to so I felt like if I just write this and one person can relate then it'll be worth it. You know I'll write about my life and about healing but the healing part of writing this book was another level.
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Listen as Kevin leads you through a traditional Irish blessing to encourage you on your path of self-discovery.
Kevin:
May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. The rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.May God be with you and bless you. May you see your children's children. May you be poor and misfortune, rich in blessings. May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward. May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back. May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home. And may the land of a friend always be near. May green be the grass you walk on. May blue be the skies above you. May pure be the joys that surround you.
May true be the hearts that love you. Amen.
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Join us today on “Coping” where Kathy and Kevin discuss the value of exploring personal and family origin stories. Learn how understanding where we come from fosters connection, perspective and empowerment to overcome current challenges and practical ways you can discover your origin story to help you adjust the path you may be on now as an adult.
Kevin
Well, hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". We're excited to continue our conversation from our last episode.
Kathy
Yes, welcome everyone. Last podcast, if you remember, we began to discuss this interesting topic of story and the story myths that hold us back. And in this episode, we want to continue discussing the idea of how our past stories shape our current stories.
Kevin
That's exactly right. Our past reveals where we came from. In movies and comics, this idea is what's called an origin story. And some of the best movies are the movies that delve into those origin stories. What makes the character today who they were and that's where they came from. And so what's so fascinating is watching these backstories can actually provide us with insight into how the hero of the story or the narrator of the story acquires their superpowers, how they face loss and overcame that. And when they were dealt hardship, how they came out on the other side. And what caused them to become who they are today, flaws and all.
Kathy
Yeah, that's all so fascinating. I personally love all things history, past origin. So let's get started.
Kathy
Well, like I mentioned before, I have a fascination and love for things of the past and history. I loved history when I was a student in high school and college, almost considered majoring in it. I'm obsessed, sad to say, with ancestry.com and going through, clicking on those of you who know ancestry .com, you click on these leaves that are of the tree. You just keep clicking and clicking and I don't really allow myself to go on anymore because I'll just spend hours delving into the history. And a few years ago, we took a trip to New York City.
Kevin
Yeah, and I know that you love my family history because they came through Ellis Island. So there's a lot of documentation about their travels, clicking on those leaves and then being there, standing in Ellis Island, looking at the records where my great, great grandfather on my father's side traveled from Ireland and then signed his name in the book, for the records coming over to America. And then on my mom's side, my great, great grandfather also came over from Italy. And so, just to go from a website where you're searching and, you know, creating links for my family tree and then to stand there and to see the signature written and to see the pictures of the ships that they traveled on and to create literally stand exactly where they would have stood in line.
Kevin
There's something really powerful about that and how it becomes so real and so vivid. And for me personally, to connect my story back generations, fills me with a lot of meaning and connects me to my past in a way that I just didn't know existed.
Kathy
It's really quite powerful stuff. Yeah. We remember, those of you who have been to Ellis Island, there's a ferry that takes you and to think that we were seeing the Statue of Liberty just like they would have, was a very moving experience for both of us. And yeah, it just, it's about the power of connecting to your past.
Kevin
That's right. And I have a, you know, interesting family, immigration story of my grandparents coming from Italy and then also from Ireland. But you also have a really fascinating immigration story. Can you speak a little bit about that?
Kathy
Yeah. So my family did not come through Ellis Island. My parents immigrated to Florida in 1971 and that's how we came to America. They came by way of plane to this country. My dad had a new job at a brand new university and I was 18 months. So I am actually an immigrant as well. I was not born in this country and I became a citizen when I was 18. Why do you think, exploring the past is so important?
Kevin
Well, you are the history buff and I am the story buff, if you will. I think there's a few different things that make looking at our past and knowing our origin story so important. And the first thing is connection. Understanding our stories did not begin with us makes us feel less alone and helps connect us to the bigger story that's unfolding. And that's exactly what happened for me. I recognize that a lot of the struggles and hardships that I face in my life are generational. And I had a renewed sense of hope that if my ancestors were able to overcome the transition from what they knew to a new world and were able to build a better life to put me in the position that I am, surely I can overcome and deal with transition and hardship much like they did, that it's somehow in my blood, that it's in my lineage, that if they did it then I can do it too.
Kevin
And that story made me feel far less alone and really proud of what they did for me and that what I can then do in their honor in my story as it unfolds.
Kathy
Absolutely. The power of connecting to the past, that connection that you mentioned, is so crucial. We're all right now feeling like we're so disconnected and this is a very tangible way to try to find some connection in our lives. Currently we are in a story class journey with Be Well and we're reading Leslie Leyland Fields, "Your Story Matters". She has a very powerful quote about the past. She says, "the past is not done. It lives on in us no matter how cleverly we disguise ourselves, no matter how fast we try to run from it. When we don't turn and look behind us, we lose our way, even our very selves."
Kathy
And so I think the second thing that exploring our past does for us is it gives us perspective. So as you talked about connection, I'm sure part of that was also perspective. I mean looking into the story of my family gave me a lot of perspective. It's almost like looking into an old mirror. We see ourselves in an old mirror, but we also can see those who came before us and their experiences give us a new lens from which to look at our lives. How does it give us a new lens?
Kevin
Say more about that new lens.
Kathy
So for example, if I look through the lens of my life right now through the lens of my parents, again, it's a story of overcoming. It's a story of a new life, a new hope, a new future for the next generation. It's exactly what we hope for our children that my parents hope for us. And so this perspective is now connected to the story, the greater story of my family. And when I looked behind me, immediately I could see a lot of links that could frame my current perspective now. It helps diminish the feeling of being all alone and disconnected and it can provide, this new perspective can provide a lot of strength as well I would say.
Kevin
Yeah, and that leads us into the third thing that we gain when we take time to look at our past, and that's empowerment. Empowerment is all about getting us re-engaged with how our story unfolded and how it's still unfolding. And so what that did for me really is helped me to recognize that although in my past things happened to me when they were out of my control when I was young, as an adult, I can take my story, all that has happened, and be an active participant in writing my story going forward. And so there's a sense of empowerment that if this is what has happened behind me and I look at my life that's still ahead of me, if I want my life to be different, I can make those changes. And that's really empowering to recognize that the story is not over. What has been written is not gone. And if it's not gone, if it's still with me, I can continue to write a new story for myself going forward and reframe what has happened and how I got to where I am today based on where I end up.
Kevin
And that's what the origin story is all about. No matter where you came from in the hardship that you've endured, those things can propel you into the kind of future you want to have and give it that much more meaning.
Kathy
Yes, absolutely. It just is unlocking a lot of things for us when we go back into the past. And we want to be mindful that we understand that delving to things of the past can be hard. It can be painful. It can bring up a lot of trauma. As we embark on this journey to write our stories in our journey class, we have encountered that this past week when we began to map our stories. So mapping is this process of basically putting down all the highlights and the events and the key memories and it was hard. It was challenging. Our group was saying that they wanted to give up at some point and said they wanted to shut those doors. They didn't want to delve, go there, basically.
Kevin
Right. It's hard to look back. The origin stories are often filled with darkness. And like I said before, there's a sense of disempowerment that happened to you when you were too young to recognize that it didn't have to be that way.
Kathy
Right.
Kevin
And too young to have any sort of power to affect change. Often when you are delving into your origin stories, that kind of work is best done with, and within a therapeutic relationship that you're sitting with somebody who has the training to do some meaning-making, some conversational processing with you so that you can make sense of your past and you can delve through it in a healthy and safe environment and to gain the type of perspective, connection and empowerment that we're talking about.
Kathy
Yeah, absolutely. It is work that, what we wanna say is this isn't work that can be done alone. In our community, we are doing it together and we were able to reconvene and decide that we're gonna continue to move forward in finding a way to our past. We're gonna unlock those doors again, but we're just gonna find a different pathway there this next week. And what we have found so far is we have found these three keys that we just talked about, connection, perspective, and empowerment.
Kathy
And as I mentioned, from Leslie's book, "Your Story Matters", she has this quote which I think really sums up why, again, this is so important. It's a great summary for our discussion today. She says, "writing the stories from our past enables us to live them again, but this time we live them wiser and better."
Kevin
So good. And so we have these three keys, these three things that we gain when we look at our story and we know that we can live our stories again wiser going forward, but how would you suggest our listeners do that in their own origin stories? Where's the starting point for that? How do you begin that work?
Kathy
Yeah, this is a great question. This is a practical step that you can take if you're listening today. One would be if you do have any living relatives that have some stories that they can share with you about the history of your family. If you don't have any living relatives, you can go on to ancestry .com. This is not a commercial for them, but we wish they would reach out. But if you go there and you know some dates and names, and if your family has been here a couple generations in America, that would be the other thing I would say, at least two generations here in this country, you could just log on. And in the free version, you can find out a lot of discoveries. Everything from marriage certificates to census reports, ships registries; that's what Kevin found at Ellis Island. They're all online.
Kathy
It's so fascinating. So those are the two things that I would say is, reach out to a relative who can share stories, or you can also go online and look through that.
Kevin
Yeah, I think the other way that I mentioned before is, if you start diving into your story and you recognize that there's more darkness than you may be able to face on your own, turn to a therapeutic relationship, initiate a therapeutic relationship if you don't have one, or bring some of those stories to your therapist to help have a trusted person walk you through some of those difficult stories. I would also say, too, take your relatives' stories with a grain of salt. If you come from a family like mine, where there's divorce and division within the family, there's different versions of the same story that are being told. And so it's hard to know what is the truth. And the reality is that whatever story is being told by that person, that's their truth.
Kathy
Their perspective.
Kevin
And the work I've done with my therapist is to take parts of those stories to form my own. And know that the greater truth is that all of those things are part of who made me who I am and to work through each of those things individually, but then to make sense of them for how I want my story to unfold going forward.
Kathy
And I would say a final way for those of you who want to dive into your stories, in addition to what we said is a couple of episodes back when we were going through grief, we talked about this process of listing. And we are using it in our current class as mapping. So basically what you do is you take some sticky notes and a poster board and you are going to map out the different time periods of your life. It's a brainstorming exercise where you're able to list memories, events, highlights.
Kathy
We will be able to give you a link to a resource called Life Events that might be able to jog your memory. We'll attach that to this episode notes. And I just, I'm excited for you to dive into this because we just see the value of it so much.
Kevin
Yeah, so just to recap, we want to encourage all of you to take some time to delve into your origin story. What makes you who you are? Where have you come from? All of those things will inform where you are going next. We hope that as you delve into those stories you'll find some connection, you'll find some perspective, and gain some empowerment in that.
Kevin
And so to conclude our podcast today, I'd like to offer a traditional Irish blessing for the journey that you still have ahead.
“May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. The rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
May God be with you and bless you. May you see your children's children. May you be poor and misfortune, rich in blessings. May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward. May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back. May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home. And may the land of a friend always be near. May green be the grass you walk on. May blue be the skies above you. May pure be the joys that surround you.
May true be the hearts that love you. Amen.”
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Listen as Kevin Deegan leads you in a blessing by Jan Richardson. May it bring you comfort and solace on your path to wellness:
Kevin:
You might think this blessing lives in the story that you can see, that it is curled up in a comfortable spot on the surface of the telling. But this blessing lives in the story beneath the story. It lives in the story, inside the story, in the spaces between, in the edges, the margins, the mysterious gaps, the enticing and fertile emptiness.
This blessing makes its home within the layers. This blessing is doorway and portal, passage and path. It is more ancient than imagining and makes itself ever new. This blessing is where the story begins.
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Summary
In this episode of "Coping", Kevin and Kathy discuss personal stories and describe how to transform limiting self-perceptions. They analyze common story myths that reinforce feelings of inadequacy, loneliness or invisibility, and discuss remedies like sharing authentic experiences in trusted communities. While childhood stories can instill negative mindsets, reclaiming one's narrative by embracing the fullness of their story arc can foster growth and connection.
Kevin
Well hello everyone, Happy New Year and welcome back to a new episode of “Coping”.
Kathy
Yes, Happy New Year everyone. We're so excited to begin a new series this episode and it's movie award season in our household so what does that mean Kevin?
Kevin
Yeah it's movie award season in everybody's household but our household is special in that I am a Screen Actors Guild member which means that every year around this time we get a bunch of screeners. I used to get them in the mail as hard copies and now everything's digital so I get an awards pin and I get to sign in and watch all the movies that are nominated and it's a fun time of year because we watch more movies than we do the whole rest of the year combined and then I get to vote so it's been a really fun award season a lot of good movies this year.
Kathy
Yes! Speaking of stories, in today's episode we're exploring the power of story and I'm excited to dive into this issue. Let's get started.
Kathy
So I know both you and I love a good story. Why do you think that is?
Kevin
I think that our stories offer a window into our experience, into our lives, truths about who we are where we've come from and it connects us to one another because, although we may not have come from the same background, the same experience, there's this common or shared humanity that each of us has that connects us on a deeper level and our pursuit for meaning and for connection.
Kathy
Yes absolutely. I think that the power of story has the ability to change the way that we perceive ourselves, others, and to bring us together in a world that right now seems so divided.
Kevin
That's right. You know, both you and I are in the business of story catching. As a hospital chaplain, I spend my days listening to people's stories and their experiences with new diagnosis and illness and recovery. I spend a lot of the time listening and hearing their story, affirming them. You do the same work as a life and vocation coach. A lot of your time is spent listening and capturing people's stories. Although we do give counsel and we do give guidance and reframing to people's stories, a large majority of the time spent is listening and hearing people's stories.
Kathy
Yeah, 100%. I love Harry Johnson's quote. He says, "we are all story. We are the stories we are told and we are the stories we tell ourselves." So I wonder, how are you the story you were told?
Kevin
Gosh that is complicated, right? There's parts of my story that were told about me that I have spent a lifetime and a lot of therapy trying to overcome. Stories of being dumb, being not good enough. Stories of struggle and generational bondage, but then there's also parts of my story of being a leader, being a spiritual guide, being a compassionate human, being a support person and I think both of those stories are true, but it's complicated and easy to get stuck in the hard parts of my story and the tension of my story. But yeah, it's it's definitely complicated, and a story that continues to unfold to this day as I continue in therapy. What about you? How are you the story that was told about you?
Kathy
Sure, so I shared this at our retreat on Sunday as we're going to explore this in our podcast today, one of the stories that I was told was that I could never measure up; I was not good enough, especially academically, and always trying to perform, please in my family of origin, and even now feeling that I don't live up to those expectations, but there was a marked period in my life where I decided to let go of that. It's still, like you said, an ongoing struggle to not live into the story we're told, but there was a time in my life where I decided, made a decision that I was not that story that I was told, but that I would be working against the story that I was told into a truer story.
Kevin
Can you unpack that a little bit? Like first, like how did you become aware of that story that was holding you back, that was keeping you stuck as we've talked about before?
Kathy
Sure.
Kevin
And what is the process of getting unstuck?
Kathy
Well, it was clear to me early on, this was like in college, there's an incident. I knew that I had a problem. achieved the highest levels that I could academically, and I would bring the results back to my family, and they were negatively received or not received in the way that I wanted them to be. It kept happening again and again. And even though I was more than content and satisfied with my progress, they were not. And that's where there was, if you want to call-- it's a dissonance, right? So there are two competing stories and they kept conflicting with each other.
Kathy
And I had to decide which story I wanted to tell. So I began to realize, even in this story that I was told that there are three main story myths: limiting stories, stories that keep us stuck throughout our lives. And that, typically, most everyone can identify with one or more of these.
Kathy
The first step in broadening your story or the story you were told is to identify what story myth resonates with you.
Kevin
What are those three story myths? Tell me a little bit about those.
Kathy
Sure. So the first one is, "I am not good enough". And you and I have already talked about that story myth and how it resonates within our lives. The child that somehow cannot please their parents in whatever way, looking for attention, wanting to be a star student. Not that there's anything wrong with all of the things that we're talking about, but when that becomes your perpetuating motive in your life, you're not living into your true story. You are still trying to be good enough. So the first story myth is, "I am not good enough".
Kevin
And how do we overcome it? Overcome if that is our story that is holding us back. How do we overcome that feeling? Because I know there's been times in my life where that was the story that was told about me, but I believed it. And the evidence that I had in my life was that what I was doing wasn't good enough. I wasn't living to my fullest potential. So, like thinking back to my 18, 19 year-old self, what could I say to him to help him in that story that he was stuck in, that I was stuck in and believed about myself because it was largely true.
Kathy
Well, this is where the power of story does come in. Number one would be to acknowledge maybe the places where you aren't good enough and begin to step out of the thick story into a broader story that is more a story of growth and change. So for me, for example, if I continued to believe the myth that I just wasn't good enough academically, that mindset would not help me to achieve. Instead, I had to begin to consider the possibility that maybe I was good enough and that that could potentially spark more growth and more abilities for me to step into the power and strengths that I actually had in my life. Instead of being stuck in, "Oh, that's Kathy, she just can't make the grades."
Kevin
Yeah, the way that I think about it is sometimes the way that we tell our story is that it's set, that there's a finality to it, right? That this is who I am and I'm not going to change. I'm not capable of change. What you're saying is the power of story is considering the possibility that, although it may be true that I'm not enough or my grades are not what I want them to be or my life is not what I want it to be, considering the possibility that maybe the story isn't set, maybe it isn't finished, maybe it isn't the final chapter, that maybe it's true that it's not enough and I want something to be different. And so I'm living into a new story out of that truth of I don't feel enough, but I'm going to seek out ways to have that story unfold in a new way going forward. That's so good. I think that makes so much sense that would be super intuitive for my young self that there was a lot that was pointing to the fact that I wasn't good enough and I wouldn't really amount to anything. I don't really know how things turned around for me, but looking back, I didn't want that to be my story.
Kathy
So you began to surround yourself with people who would write a new story for you. That's what happened in your life. I was there. You were around people like me who said, "no, your story isn't the, 'I didn't graduate from high school kid'. Your story is the story of someone who has a dream to go to Los Angeles and dream bigger than you can ever imagine for yourself and for your life."
Kevin
But part of it, I don't know if this is another, if this is related to another story myth, but I also believe that I was the only one that was struggling in this way that everybody else around me had their life together. I was the only one that was struggling. And what I learned is that those people around me that had their lives on a different path had come through a lot of trials and challenges and had overcome those. And because I learned that that was possible, I believed a new story for myself.
Kathy
And so you're touching on the second limiting story myth and that is "I am alone".
Kevin
Oh wow.
Kathy
"I am the only one going through this. No one understands." And here's the thing. It's true that nobody has gone through exactly what you're going through, when you're going through it, how you're going through it. But it's not true when we take on a mindfulness perspective about our story that says, "Okay, I am broke. I don't have any money. I don't know, I'm gonna lose my house." That there are others going through that right now, even as you say these words, right? And the antidote to this is the power of story because then you connect. Feeling alone is disconnecting. Sharing your story is connecting.
Kevin
How do you encourage somebody who's stuck in the "I am alone" story? It seems as though with this myth, there can be like a catch-22 scenario where they're alone and they don't have anybody to share their story with. And if sharing their story is gonna make them feel less alone, how do they break out of that? How does one who is actually alone and feels alone start using the power of their story to be less alone?
Kathy
Sure, and we don't wanna minimize the loneliness. The surgeon general has said that we're in an epidemic of loneliness. He's declared it a national emergency. So we're not minimizing anyone's loneliness or feelings of alone today. We wanna tell you that it is real. And so as he said, and as we say it, Be Well, "the antidote to loneliness is to reach out", is to find community, is to join a class, to go to your faith center community, to join one of our groups. We have a story class starting Wednesday mornings and it's virtual so you can join from wherever you are to reach out, to dispel the idea that you are alone, you are feeling alone. And so of course that is your truth, but to dispel that is by reaching out and connecting.
Kevin
Yeah, and one of the things I've learned from you and your work with students over the years is that oftentimes the student will start with you in private coaching and then you'll funnel them into a group setting and that is where they start to see some major breakthroughs in their life and start to overcome some of the obstacles in their life. Why is that? Why is it that somebody who is alone feels that their life starts to change when they're in a group setting as opposed to getting that help from a coach individually?
Kathy
Because we were created for community and relationships. So the mere fact of being related and connected in community is tapping into the true story of ourselves, that the Creator created us to be in relationship, is a relational God and desires us to be in relation and when we're not, we are literally cutting off of ourselves to how we were created.
Kevin
Mm-hmm, and that's how we get stuck in our story. Our story stops unfolding because we're not in community, part of what we were created for, yeah. And you said that there's three main myths. What's that? What's that third myth?
Kathy
Sure, so to review, "I am not enough" was the first one, the second one "is I am alone", and the third myth is "I am invisible". So this one is if you grew up as an invisible child in your family, you may struggle as an adult with a need to be seen. You know, it's the "pick me, pick me" sort of like, "oh I am not chosen." It is sometimes related to issues with belonging and fitting in. These folks grow up as sometimes literally talking louder than most people in the world to be heard and seen. It's very interesting.
Kevin
Wow, and what is the remedy? How do folks who feel invisible and are stuck in the story that I'm invisible -- how do they overcome that?
Kathy
So the folks that are invisible oftentimes have trouble leaning into their authentic story because they're denying their origin stories. Ironically, they wanted to be seen and then because they weren't, they deny the origin story. So one of the antidotes is a telling of their authentic story, like all the good, the bad and the ugly and sharing that authentically with the world, and with that then comes like we've said before that then they're heard and seen through the telling of their authentic story. They connect with someone who says, "wow, that happened to me too. Thank you so much for sharing that. I had no idea." And then they're no longer completely invisible, at least for that moment in time and space when they're being acknowledged for the very thing that they were denying.
Kevin
Yeah, I can imagine the folks who are set in the story "I'm invisible" only wanting to share the positive aspects of their story because they're wanting people to see them in a positive light. Perhaps there's this underlying belief that the reason why I'm invisible is because there's nothing valuable about me and so let me highlight the good things and leave behind the things that are causing me to be invisible. And what you're saying is that the exact opposite is true.
Kathy
But the broken pieces are the ones, yeah, the broken pieces are actually the connecting pieces, the missing pieces of the puzzle to help us feel more empowered, more seen, more heard, more connected.
Kevin
Yeah, that's really good.
Kathy
And one caveat I would say to everyone out there as you're exploring your origin story and your story misses, be sure to share your story with a trusted person. Sometimes you perpetuate this whole myth when I know someone who is an invisible person and they go back to their family of origin that continually perpetuates the idea they're invisible and they share the story and they're like, "So Kathy, they just shot me down" and I was like, "Okay, because you need to go to a safe and trusted person to share the story."
Kathy
So just one caveat there, don't go back to the same places where those reinforced stories were and thinking that, "oh, I'm gonna share my authentic story and now it's gonna work." Anything to say about that, Kevin?
Kevin
Yeah, no, I'm thinking is that we often go back to the origin of where we adopted that limiting aspect of our story to try to remedy them and thinking that if they can, if they're the ones that gave me this limiting story, they're the ones that reinforced that I'm alone, I'm invisible, I'm not enough. If I can go back and convince them that I am enough, that I'm not invisible, that perhaps that will make me feel better. And what I'm hearing you say is that, going back there is what reinforces the hurt and reinforces the false beliefs about ourselves and reinforces these myths that we believe that keep us stuck and set in our stories.
Kevin
And so instead we need to find safe people, new people perhaps who can see us, hear us affirm our story and set us on a new path of telling a new story and believing a new story about ourselves.
Kathy
Right, we wanna add characters to our story and we want the cheerleaders, we want the teammates, we want all of those people cheering us on as we write the new chapters or our story. Typically we can't go back to characters that have been left behind in the script. There's new characters that are being written in to tell a new story.
Kathy
So today we've learned the power of sharing, telling and embracing our stories to release or begin to begin a new story from our story myths. And if you love this topic, please consider joining our small group journey Reclaim that is starting Wednesdays from wherever you are. We're actually gonna be telling and writing our stories, which is a very powerful and healing in a community, a safe community. So check out our website for information to join that and thanks for joining us today.
Kevin
And so to end our episode today, I'd like to conclude with a story blessing by Jan Richardson.
"You might think this blessing is a blessing that lives in the story that you can see. That it is curled up in a comfortable spot on the surface of the telling. But this blessing lives in the story beneath the story. It lives in the story, inside the story. In the spaces between. In the edges. The margins. The mysterious gaps. The enticing and fertile emptiness. This blessing makes its home within the layers. This blessing is doorway and portal. Passage and path. It is more ancient than imagining. It makes itself ever new. This blessing is where the story begins."
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As we celebrate with Christmas lights, we should be intentional about shining our own lights spiritually. We are called to illuminate the world and bring light where it is needed through our faith and actions. Let Chaplain Kevin Deegan lead you in prayer asking God for help in shining His light and bringing it where needed most during this season.
Kevin: During the holidays, Christmas lights decorate our homes inside and out. We wrap our Christmas trees with lights and hang lights from the roof. These lights switch on at night so that they shine brightly and beautifully in the darkness.
The prophet Isaiah spoke about light saying, People walking in darkness have seen a great light. On those living in the land of deep darkness, a light has dawned. Our small strung together Christmas lights not only display the beauty of Christmas, but also, as Isaiah teaches us, help dispel the darkness.
As we celebrate with lights this season, let us intentionally shine our lights to illuminate the world around us. How has God's light dawned in your life? Where is He calling you to shine your light today?
Let's pray: God, you are the light of the world. We hear your call to be light in the world. Help us to shine brightly this season, and give us the power to bring light where it is needed most. We pray these things in your name. Amen.
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In this episode of “Coping”, Kathy and Kevin discuss the symbolism of lights during the holiday season, highlighting familial traditions around decorative lights and the spiritual meaning of light in the Bible. Light represents hope during dark times, and as people who are called to shine their light into the world, we can think about what type of light we are, and the need to plug into spiritual sources to refill our light when it dims. The conversation covers how illness, trauma, grief, exhaustion, and lack of boundaries can dim our light. Practices like reading, walking, and unplugging can refill us.
Reflect this week on your current light using a 1-10 scale - how bright are you shining? Identify factors that may be dimming your light right now. Commit to one new practice this season to plug into spiritual sources and refill your light. Reach out to friends or helpers if your light feels dim and you need support. Intentionally shine your light this holiday season to bring hope to those in darkness.
Kathy: Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". Today's episode. We have a special advent holiday.
Kevin: That's right today We're gonna talk a little bit about the theme of lights and what that means for this holiday season.
Kathy: Okay, let's get started.
Kevin: So it's that time of year; we start driving around the neighborhood at night and we see lights and people's lawns on their trees outside. We can see through their window, the Christmas tree is decorated. Even in our own home our Christmas tree is up and the lights come on automatically on a timer. It's such a beautiful time of year with all these Christmas lights. What was your tradition growing up? How did you guys decorate your house inside and out?
Kathy: Oh, that's a really good question. So we grew up in South Florida so it was not cold and so there wasn't like snow and that whole part of the winter celebrations.
Kevin: Right you almost have to decorate a little bit more just to bring in the Christmas season because you don't have the natural changing of the weather there.
Kathy: Sure, so a lot of people in South Florida do lots of lights because we don't have those extra winter effects. So Yeah, we would put out the lights and then one of our favorite family traditions was to drive around and look at all the lights. When we were young our parents to drive us in the car around and look at all of the neighborhood or other little neighborhood pockets where people put on big light displays.
Kevin: Yeah, so my brother and I, when we were older, took the initiative to decorate the house ourselves and so we would pull out those dusty boxes filled with old Christmas lights. And this was back in the day where you would test one light at a time when the strand was not working and we would try to find that broken light or the one that had you know blown and we would then use a little plastic pack with like three extra ones and then refill it in.
Kathy: The fuses.
Kevin: So we would be hours and hours just trying to get the lights to work and then we had the bright idea of, "man we've done all this work and it looks beautiful this year. Let's leave it up the whole year and see if we can just you know not have to go through--"
Kathy: Oh you were one of those families.
Kevin: We tried until just a few weeks later the lawn guys came and cut into the bushes and destroyed all the lights. I think that was the last year that we ever did Christmas lights. Yeah, well this episode it's our holiday episode so we're going to talk a little bit about lights this season and what the symbolism of lights are for us as we celebrate this holiday season.
Kathy: So tell us a little bit about why lights are so important spiritually and the symbolism of that.
Kevin: Yeah, that's such a good question. So I think from Judeo-Christian perspective, light is such an important theme in the Old Testament and the New Testament. Some of the very first of verses in Genesis talk about God's command, "let there be light." And then we see this certainly extended into the New Testament where light starts to become a symbol of people who are set apart in the world, but also an example of our call to shine our light.
I'm thinking about John 1 1:7, where it says, "but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another." And I think it's just such an important reminder that when there's so much darkness in the world, so much darkness around us and our personal lives, that we be a light, a light for other people when they're in their darkness. And when we shine a light, it's a symbol of hope, especially in challenging times in the world.
Kathy: Yeah, it seems like every Christmas, things are getting darker and darker, not just outside, but in the forces that are working against the light. And we come to Advent and to this Christmas wondering, "is the light actually going to overcome the darkness? And what are ways we can be spreading more light since it's just so needed?"
Kevin: Right. One of the teachings that we've done a few times with our community is to describe the kind of light that we are when we think about all the different kinds of light sources in the world. Would you mind just sharing a little bit about how you would describe yourself as a light? What kind of light do you see yourself as in the world?
Kathy: Yeah, this is such an introspective, but very powerful and fun activity to think about all the different light sources around us from the lamps to the light bulbs to the matches to the campfires, to the lightning bugs. Yeah, there's just so many, and we take it for granted, I think that's something else you could say. Our power was out recently for 12 hours, and it was very, it was a wake up call to how much we rely on the light.
Kevin: So much so we bought a backup battery just to make sure that we had a source to keep our light shining when we need it.
Kathy: Yeah, absolutely. So when I think about the light source that relates to me, I think about lighthouses. I love the lighthouses, we visited some of them, but the idea that your light can emit far away to guide ships in, I think is one of the calls for me, and being a stable source of light people can come back to resonates with me. How about you?
Kevin: Yeah, I see you definitely emit that kind of light in your work as a life and vocation coach, certainly within our family, just a very stable presence of light. That's definitely how I envision you and your light. I think for me, probably opposite to you, my light changes over time and in different seasons and depending on what's going on. And so there's times where I feel like I'm a bonfire, where my light is ablaze. Other times it feels really, really dim, almost like a nightlight. And so I think the best example of my source of light is more like a dimmer switch. There's times where I find myself shining really bright and that kind of bright light is needed if I'm teaching or speaking or leading some type of group and shining up bright light is important. And then having the ability to dim way down if I'm entering into a patient room in the hospital, sitting with somebody who's just gotten a new diagnosis and being present to them in their pain and their story.
Kevin: And so I've developed over time this ability to toggle my light switch up and down, depending on the scenario, depending on the encounter that I'm having with somebody. So I think the best representative of my kind of light is perhaps like a dimmer switch.
Kathy: That's really good. And you have to obviously be aware then about how your light source is emitting and when you need to turn it down. I grew up without dimmer switches. I didn't even know what that was, but it's such a powerful regulatory mechanism that we have now and for you to use that as a light. For you, I think that's really interesting, but it's very appropriate for the work you do. So you mentioned that sometimes your light is dim. I think that brings up a very good topic about what makes our lights dim. You're talking about the self-regulation of dimming, but a lot of times our lights are hidden, turned down, covered completely. What do you find often dims the light in others?
Kevin: Yeah, that's such a great question. I think, as you're saying, the most important thing to do is to first be aware that your light is dim.
Kathy: Awareness.
Kevin: Yeah, awareness, yeah, exactly. I know in the work that I do, some of the obstacles or some of the ways that our lights are impacted is illness, trauma, pain, lack of support, those types of things can certainly impact somebody's level of light. I think for me personally the ways that my light dims the most is when I feel like I'm perhaps expending more energy or expending sending out more light into the world that I'm you know filling myself up with so I'm burning out quite literally emotionally, spiritually burning out and my light source is getting dim because it's you know the energy levels are pretty low. What about for you? What are some of the things that you feel like are dimming your light that that lighthouse that you are?
Kathy: I think it's exactly the same right as helpers, we don't we're getting tired of turning our lights. We have been turning on our lights probably on maximum, full force since COVID because there's been so many needs for helpers, loss of jobs and illness and the level of crisis we've talked about through our season is very great in the world, so helpers are very tired. For me, it's exhaustion, a lack of rest and just feeling like I can't turn my light on anymore. I'm just too tired to. I can keep plugging back into sources, but it's just like not enough to light. The amount of power it takes, I think, for helpers and leaders, it's a lot.
Kevin: Yeah, I'm even thinking about my source of light a dimmer switch often a dimmer switch is coupled with an outlet and so not only am I emitting light but I'm also an outlet for others to plug into and that can be exhausting I have to have double, triple, quadruple the amount of energy being poured in to me so that I can not only shine my light, but be a source of light for others. You think about a lighthouse -- I'm sure there's several outlets and other sources of energy for folks to plug into let alone helping them, guiding them to shore after a journey at sea, if you will.
Kathy: Yeah, and I would say also that for those in our community, you mentioned illness, trauma, grief as dimming. I would also say related to that, you know, the lack of boundaries, what we're talking about, and the inability to pause, to rest, to reflect. And then not taking enough time to plug into the sources that fill us up in proportion to how much, like you said, the energy is going out.
Kevin: Right. Tell me a little bit more about how you plug into sources of energy to keep your light bright. What does that look like for you and what advice do you have for other people that are assessing that their light is pretty dim at this time of year?
Kathy: So one of the practices that we talk about and then I practice personally, I know you do too, is that we engage in what we call ING activities that are filling up and making us literally light up. For me, it's reading. I'm so proud to say I finished two books this week that I had started months ago, cooking, walking every day, napping. For some people, it's serving. For some people, it's cleaning. That's something that gets them filled up. There's endless possibilities.
Kevin: Yeah, this teaching that we talk about a lot is making sure that your practices include that ING. What's the participle, what kind of word is that as an ING? I always forget.
Kathy: That's a gerund.
Kevin: A gerund. That's right.
Kathy: Of course.
Kevin: The English teacher in you is coming out, yeah. So basically ensuring that the practice that we have is something that we do and gives us not just something to strive for, but something to actually do practically. And so I have these ongoing practices, journaling, praying, fellowshiping, playing. I like to play video games as a complete breakaway, watching movies, that type of thing. But I think certainly this time of year, what I need more than just my ongoing practices of self-care and rest are practices, like my annual practices that disrupt the routines that I have, and so making sure that I'm taking time to reflect on the whole year. You and I have talked before on this podcast about our year in review workshop, but also when we talk about our favorite things from this past year, we have a journal that we do with that.
Kevin: I also try to take some time away from work to completely unplug and to free up some mental space. So ongoing practices are super important, all those gerund words, the ING words. And then try to think at this time of year, ways to disrupt my normal patterns and routines so that I can do a real good assessment about where I'm at, how I'm doing, what I'm needing as I look back to start to envision what might be upcoming in this next year.
Kathy: Yeah, so I think this is all very helpful, especially at this time of the year as we talk about lights and how we can dispel the darkness. The number one theme I think that we've emphasized today is to be sure that you're plugging into a greater source of light.
Kevin: That's right. We have all these practices that we can do, activities that we can do, but the reality is that we may be a source of light, but we're not the main source. We have to plug into a source of energy bigger than ourselves so that that energy source can be filling us up as we're shining our light and being an outlet for other people's light to have energy as well.
Kathy: And so to recap, step one, take a moment to think about the awareness of your light. How is it shining right now on a scale of one to ten? How bright is it? Step two, what is dimming your light? What is causing you to be not shining as brightly as the world needs you to be shining right now? And step three, plug into the source of a greater light source than yourself. We cannot get light from ourselves.
Kevin: What are those sources of light that we can plug into when you think about a bigger source of light? What does that look like?
Kathy: I think the bigger sources of life for most people are spiritual practices. For some others, it's faith, their deep faith, and all of the practices related to hearing from God and getting truth and light into their hearts and minds instead of believing lies and darkness. For others, it may be community and hearing how they're valued and seen from a group of people. So I would just challenge you out there. If you don't have any of those, please reach out to us at Be Well Resources. We want you to be shining your light brightly. the season and throughout the year.
Kevin: And so with that, what I would like to do to close our time together today is to play one of the earliest episodes from season one of "Coping". It's a reflection on light and the type of light that we can shine amidst the darkness this holiday season. And so with that, whatever it is that you may be coping with, we want to extend this holiday season blessings to you.
Holiday Lights Reflection
Kevin: During the holidays, Christmas lights decorate our homes inside and out. We wrap our Christmas trees with lights and hang lights from the roof. These lights switch on at night so that they shine brightly and beautifully in the darkness.
The prophet Isaiah spoke about light saying, People walking in darkness have seen a great light. On those living in the land of deep darkness. A light has dawned. Our small strung together Christmas lights not only display the beauty of Christmas, but also, as Isaiah teaches us, help dispel the darkness.
As we celebrate with lights this season, let us intentionally shine our lights to illuminate the world around us. How has God's light dawned in your life? Where is he calling you to shine your light today?
Let's pray. God, you are the light of the world. We hear your call to be light in the world. Help us to shine brightly this season, and give us the power to bring light where it is needed most. We pray these things in your name. Amen.
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Listen as Kevin leads you through a simple, fill-in-the-blank meditation focused on gratitude and appreciation. Reflect on and write down two attributes of God you appreciate, one thing you are celebrating today, and three things you are most grateful for today before thanking God for all of the things you are grateful for.
Kevin: We're going to start with me asking just a few questions that I'd like you to reflect on. If you want to write your answers down, that'd be great, but if not, you can just call them to mind as well.
So the first question is, what are two attributes of God you appreciate most today?
The next question is, what's one thing you're celebrating today?
And finally, name three things you're most grateful for today. So, this meditation is a fill in the blank blessing. As I read this blessing, reflect on these things that you are grateful for. And when I pause, fill in your own words to complete the blessing. Let's pray.
God, thank you for being _______. Today, I will choose to celebrate ______ because I see this as a gift from you. Today I will take time to reflect on _______ because I'd like to remember.
I thank you for all the blessings in my life, but today I'm most grateful for these three. The first is __________. The second is ___________ and finally _________, and so I conclude by simply saying, “thank you.”
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The first episode of the 4th season of "Coping" discusses practices for celebrating Thanksgiving and carrying gratitude through the entire year. Kathy and Kevin love Thanksgiving for the food, family gatherings, and chance to reflect on blessings because reflection can bring about new direction and understanding. Practices like daily celebration and reflection can build gratitude. Learn how you can turn your Thanksgiving into Thanks-living and join us on December 7th, 2023 for our "Review Your Year" workshop.
Kevin: Well, hi everyone. Welcome back to a new season of coping.
Kathy: Yes, today we're pausing our series on rest to have a special Thanksgiving podcast.
Kevin: Yes, we hope that you all are enjoying your Thanksgiving week. If that's when you're listening to this episode. We wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving.
Kathy: What's your favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Kevin: Good question. Okay, so this is going to surprise you a little bit. My favorite part about Thanksgiving is how much food is made and that it gets spread out over many more meals after the holiday itself. Which -- you know me really well --it's strange because I don't actually like leftovers other times of the year. It's really only Thanksgiving that I enjoy having the same food multiple days after the big feast.
Kathy: And I'm the opposite. I love leftovers and I love spreading out all my meals. So I'm excited to talk about Thanksgiving, leftovers, pumpkin pie, I'm getting hungry already.
Kevin: Yes.
Kathy: Let's get started.
Kevin: So this week we celebrate Thanksgiving and I know it's one of your favorite holidays. Why do you love Thanksgiving so much? Tell me about it.
Kathy: Yes, I think I love Thanksgiving. Of course, it's always about the food on the foodie. But I think the deeper celebrations of gathering around tables, it is a holiday celebrated by most everyone. I like the inclusive nature of the holiday. And I love the focus on gratitude, celebration, Thanksgiving, and the gifts of this year.
Kevin: I know also that your birthday, especially this year, falls really close to Thanksgiving. And so in our household, it's a really fun time of year where we get to do a lot of celebrations for you and then lead us right into Thanksgiving holiday meal and time with family.
Kathy: And so let's revisit this concept of the leftovers that we discussed earlier. Talk to me a bit about that. What is this Thanksgiving leftover theory that you have?
Kevin: You know, when I think about Thanksgiving and gathering with friends and family, and food being the centerpiece of that, the thing that gathers us together. And I love that idea that we have one big elaborate feast with friends and family for fellowship, but what we take with us is not just the food and a carryout, to-go bag, but we take with us those memories that shared time together, and then it rolls itself into the rest of the weekend, into the rest of the end of the year. And it's just a, I think, a great opportunity for us to remember that giving thanks doesn't have to be just one time a year, that we should have a practice of giving thanks.
Kathy: Yeah, I really love this. One of my favorite authors Ann Voskamp says that, "our goal is to turn our thanksgiving into thanks-living." And we have done one of our previous podcasts on this, and we had a guest, Anleisha, who told us her story about that. But I think today's podcast, we wanna give some practices that will help turn this Thanksgiving into Thanks-living.
Kathy: The first is celebration. How do you use celebration as a spiritual practice?
Kevin: Yeah, oh, absolutely. Celebration is a big one. So let's start with the definition. Oxford Dictionary tells us that celebration is the action of marking one's pleasure at important events or occasions by engaging in enjoyable and typically social activities. And so we all do this in really natural ways, right? We have our birthdays and anniversaries and, you know, the holidays, it's on our minds, it's on our calendars. We gather and we celebrate these things. I think perhaps this year, more than most, the practice of celebrating in the midst of so much chaos in the world, so much upheaval in our personal lives, celebration may not feel like a natural thing.
It may not be our natural inclination this year. And so what I want to call to mind is another type of celebration, another type of Thanksgiving in the midst of so much chaos. And I'm reminded of a quote from a dear friend of mine, Father Mark, who always likes to say, "it's always important to balance the bitter with the sweet." And what he means by that is to remember the sweetness of life when life feels especially bitter. And the best way to do that is with a piece of cake, a piece of pie, a little bit of ice cream or some candy, something just to savor and to enjoy in the midst of very unenjoyable times in our lives.
And so I think maybe this Thanksgiving is where we take time to balance all the bitter in the world with a little bit of sweetness. And that's the food that's on the table, the friends that sit around the table with us and the fellowship that we get to share.
Kathy: Yeah, that's such a wonderful practice, an idea. Speaking from my recent celebration experience of this past week, which was my birthday, it was a great pause in the midst of a very chaotic and difficult month, I would say, to focus on joy and gratitude. And it was uplifting. It didn't seem natural. It didn't seem like, "oh, let's stop and celebrate." But we did anyway. And we were all better as a result. I love Adele Calhoun in her book, Spiritual Disciplines Handbook.
She speaks of celebration as one of those disciplines. And she says, “when we're able to set our hearts on this joy, it reminds us that we can choose how we respond to any particular moment.” When we can set our hearts on joy, that will remind us that we can choose how we can respond to any particular moment.
Kevin: That's right. If we can choose to celebrate in the midst of chaos, that also teaches us how to respond in times of crisis. So we have this practice of celebration, and we know the importance of celebrating daily and weekly and monthly as we just talked about. What is another practice that we can do to extend thanksgiving to every day of the year?
Kathy: Sure. The next one we want to discuss is the practice of reflection. So we just talked about celebration. And that is a pause. Reflection is also a pause, but it's the intentional practice of pausing to remember. We are doing the looking back in order to figure out how to move forward. And this could take the form of written, where we're doing like journaling, that sort of thing, or it can be oral where people are, even like if you think about reflection happens in memorial services, where we're doing a reflection back --
Kevin: Telling stories.
Kathy: Telling stories. Correct. You and I do a year-end review with our family, where we actually look back.
Kevin: Yeah. So we've developed this booklet, it's called Year in Review, that we do every year and as the kids have gotten older we've included them in this and it's kind of a fun ritual that we do in our family. But basically there's these questions that we look back on the year and talk about and write the answers down and some of the questions that come to mind are like your biggest accomplishment this last year, best new purchase --
Kathy: Favorite movie, best vacation --
Kevin: Best new hotel, best new restaurant, things like that.
Kathy: Hardest challenge.
Kevin: Yeah, there's a lot of really good questions to reflect on and to remember and I'm always surprised at the end of the year, the amount of things that we did. The year goes by so fast and I think I have developed a practice of forgetting in order to cope with all of the challenges in life. But when we choose to reflect and then remember the good things in the midst of all the hard things that have happened, it's always such a meaningful practice. And I always feel like the year feels a little bit more meaningful because we take that time together as a family.
Kathy: Yeah, I love what you said about the forgetting part, right? So much is happening. We need the pause. And that reminds me of Emily Freeman's quote, where she says, "the problem isn't that we aren't learning. The problem is that we forget." So I think what happens is we're just going 24-7. And we're consuming a lot and we're never pausing to digest it and then also figure out what we have learned.
Kevin: Right.
Kathy: So if we don't take these pauses for reflection, we're not making the most of the opportunities that come our way when we can't reflect back on that. They just are just sort of like passing us by. So let's just say that we go through the whole we go through a year, years, not journaling or making note of or highlighting things. Then we turn around and years have passed and we're like, what did we even do? And what are we doing it for?
Kevin: I know for me, especially in my line of work, I go from one crisis to the next. And the next thing you know, you look up and it's like the end of the year or like the middle of the year. And I'm like, wait, how did that happen? And what I hear you saying is that reflection helps get the control back of the time that feels like it slips away so quickly. But more than that, it's an opportunity to learn and to grow from all of our experiences so that we're living life, not just trying to cope and survive and deal with all the problems that come our way. We can actually take some of the control back, some of the slow the time down. just a little bit through taking that time to reflect.
Kathy: It lifts us out of reflection, will lift us out of survival into significance.
Kevin: Yeah, that's really good. So how do we do that though? Like life is chaotic, there are hard things. What does that look like to take time to reflect?
Kathy: Yeah, so we can do a daily reflection practice, the practice of the examin, some of you may be familiar with, and that is a daily practice of looking back on your day. You're asking the questions, basically what happened in my day today? And where was I present? Where was I not? Oh, what happened at that moment? It's such a good reflection practice to do that daily. And then you can also go on to do this, of course, weekly and monthly. And it is just about stopping, pausing, recognizing the gifts of these days.
Kevin: Yeah, so in chaplaincy we have this philosophy "Action Reflection Action", meaning with everything that you do, especially when you're first learning like clinical pastoral education, that everything that you do, you take time to reflect, to learn from and to improve the practice. But it's certainly a philosophy that extends beyond a residency into a full-time chaplain role, that you're taking time to reflect, to make meaning, and to improve your practices going forward. And I think for me, reflection is simply looking in the mirror. And instead of just seeing yourself in that reflection, you get to see your soul. And so reflection can be something that we do looking backwards, because a mirror only reflects backwards, it doesn't reflect forwards. But when we look backwards, that's the way that we're able to make sense of where we've come from, so we have a better idea of where we want to go.
Kathy: Excellent. So, to sum it all up, we have some celebration and reflection practices that we're all going to begin to utilize. We hope that this has given you some small steps toward having thanks -living this year, instead of just Thanksgiving. And speaking of reflection, we have our annual Review Your Year workshop coming up on December 7th. Everyone is invited to this. It is a time of celebration and reflection, where we get to look back on this year, all that it brought to us. We talk about our word that we had, and we're also setting an intention. So if you are interested in that, please sign up on our website at BeWellResourcesLA.com, and we'd love to have you. To close our time today, Kevin:, would you lead us in a Thanksgiving meditation?
Kevin: Yeah, I'd be happy to do that.
Meditation: We're going to start with me asking just a few questions that I'd like you to reflect on. If you want to write your answers down, that'd be great, but if not, you can just call them to mind as well. So the first question is, what are two attributes of God you appreciate most today?
The next question is, what's one thing you're celebrating today? The next question, what's one thing you're reflecting on today? And finally, name three things you're most grateful for today. So this meditation is a fill in the blank blessing.
As I read this blessing, reflect on these things that you're grateful for. And when I pause, fill in your own words to complete the blessing. Let's pray. God, thank you for being _________. Today, I will choose to celebrate __________.
Because I see this as a gift from you. Today, I will take time to reflect on __________. Because I'd like to remember __________. I thank you for all the blessings in my life, but today, I'm most grateful for these three.
The first is _________. The second is _________. And finally _________. And so I conclude by simply saying, "thank you."
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