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Hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin explore ways families can remember their late loved ones in this final episode.
The first year after losing a loved one is particularly difficult. Events and special dates like birthdays, wedding anniversaries, Mother’s and Father’s Day, and Christmas are often somber and emotionally charged affairs. Many families struggle when thinking about doing something to celebrate their late loved one’s memory.
The following years aren’t guaranteed to be any easier, Odette reminds listeners. Don’t expect to have it all together completely by the seventh or eighth year - you might think you’re managing and then all of a sudden you might struggle again around that time. Always remember to be mindful of yourself and those around you, she adds.
Many families tend to switch up their tradition around occasions like Christmas, sometimes going away on vacation instead of staying home. It’s really about doing what works best for your family, whether that’s breaking tradition or dedicating some time to remember who you lost.
Key Takeaways
The first year after losing a loved one is particularly difficult when it comes to anniversaries and occasions.Don’t assume others aren’t struggling just because it’s not the first year after loss.Do what works best for your family.Resources
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Hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin discuss how parents can support themselves after losing their child in the penultimate episode of Season 1.
Odette shares well-intended conversations that had the opposite effect on her after losing Harry. She didn’t appreciate it when people would try to comfort her by saying they understood what she was going through, because they didn’t: only someone who has lost a child of their own would understand the unique pain of burying your child. And when people would compliment her strength, saying they wouldn’t be able to hold on like she was doing, it made her feel like she couldn’t be vulnerable in front of them.
What did help her, though, were the people reaching out wanting to talk about Harry and remember him, dropping a simple text on the anniversary of his death. Those things made a world of a difference to Odette and her family.
Odette advises listeners who knew a child that passed to write down memories of them in a card and send them to the bereaved family. Your memory of their loved one will be invaluable to them.
Key Takeaways
Rather than saying you understand a parent’s loss, comfort them by offering to help them with whatever you can.Families appreciate when people reach out and remember their late loved ones.Sharing a special memory you have of a late child with their family is something they will cherish.Resources
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Co-Host Sophia Giblin shares her experience losing a parent as a teenager, and having to cope as the eldest sibling of four.
Sophia’s mum was diagnosed with cancer in the year of her GCSEs. Their family had reason to hope she would get better with chemo, but she kept getting sicker and sicker. Seeing her health deteriorate with the treatment was already traumatic enough, but Sophia was abruptly forced to come to terms with losing her mother when her father sat her and her siblings down to explain that their mother wouldn’t survive. Not even a full week later, their mum died.
Navigating life with that grief in her heart was difficult. Sophia didn’t feel safe with her feelings, and was reluctant to talk about her pain in fear that it would trigger others’ pain as well. She repressed them and tried to numb them, and, if she found someone she thought was safe enough to talk to, she would test the waters to see just how safe.
Odette and Sophia remind listeners about the importance of creating spaces of safety for children to be able to share how they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, their fears, desires, and concerns.
Key Takeaways:
Sophia had no time at all to come to terms with losing her mum.Sometimes, people repress their feelings and don’t talk about them with others because they don’t feel safe with them.It’s important that adults create spaces of safety for children to share what’s on their minds.Resources
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In this episode, hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin talk about how schools can impact a child’s grief journey.
All schools should have a bereavement policy, Odette and Sophia recommend, that covers all the information the school should know, what they need to do, and how to respond to an incident within their school community. Office staff should be briefed on how to respond to a parent or guardian informing the school about the death of a student’s family member.
You don’t have to be a member of staff to put things in motion - if you believe there’s something you can do, you can call your local school and make suggestions - you can even connect with organisations like Harry’s Rainbow. What’s important is nurturing an environment of empathy, so that students can be met with kindness and understanding when they’re bereaved.
Communication is necessary when supporting a bereaved student. Parents and teachers can’t contact each other all the time, but even having just one key staff member they can talk to, goes a long way.
Key Takeaways:
Office staff should be briefed on how to respond to a parent or guardian informing the school about the death of a student’s family member.It’s important to nurture an environment and culture of empathy at school.There should be at least one key staff member parents and students can confer with.Resources
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For the Love of Grief is the podcast that talks about parenting after loss. Grief isn’t something that goes away - it will always live with us. In this episode, hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin explore the role of community in the grief journey.
Most communities are eager to help members who are grieving the loss of a loved one, but sometimes they don’t know how to help. Some people may even avoid the bereaved persons because they don’t know what to say, so they say nothing at all. Rather than doing this, it’s better to actually tell them you don’t know what to say - something as simple as “I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you” can go a long way.
To better prepare yourself, think about what you can offer before starting the conversation. Is it something practical? Is it emotional support? Do you know of an organisation that can help the family?
Part of what makes reaching out so difficult is society’s aversion to talking about death and dying, despite it being a natural part of life. We also respond to news of other people’s loved ones dying in ways similar to our first experience, Sophia suspects. We struggle to respond to others because we have nothing to model our responses after.
Key Takeaways:
Rather than saying nothing at all when you don’t know what to say, you can literally just say you don’t know what to say.To better prepare yourself, think about what you can offer a bereaved person in your community before you start the conversation.We often struggle to offer support to bereaved persons because people once struggled to offer support to us.Resources
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In this episode, hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin discuss how parents can meet the needs of bereaved children.
Having boundaries around their physical needs - such as getting a good night’s rest - is important for your child’s development. Parents need to be brave and determined to uphold those boundaries even through grief - particularly around sleep and nutrition.
As far as mental wellbeing goes, modelling healthy expressions of your feelings is a good way to support and encourage your children. If they see you repressing your emotions and not talking about them, they may adopt that same approach. That might not feel very good for them - they may want to talk about it, but you’re not giving them the opportunity to do so.
We often feel that, as adults, we have to be in charge all the time, but sometimes it’s better to let children take the lead, and simply create the boundaries in which they play. That’s how we teach them - if they did everything by explicit instruction, they’ll learn how to follow directions rather than how to think for themselves.
Key Takeaways:
Parents need to be brave and determined to maintain boundaries with children even through grief.Rather than repressing your emotions as a parent, you should communicate your feelings - remember that your child is watching what you do to know what they should do.Sometimes we should let kids take the lead, and simply create the boundaries in which they play.Resources
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In this episode, hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin review the topic of resources and signposting.
We’re usually never proactive about death and dying, so when we lose a loved one, it’s usually unanticipated and we’re not prepared to deal with it. The first things we usually think about are: What do I do? How do I make sure we’re all going to be okay?
Resources and signposting are simple, but very effective and helpful tools that answer these questions. Some of these resources include memory boxes, which act as a tool for a child to hold special trinkets, mementos, photos, and anything relating to a loved one. It’s really lovely if the whole family has one to honour their dearly departed, Odette believes, but it’s important that a child has their own box.
Parents can also use books to gently explain death to their children. Books play a significant role in a child’s understanding of the world around them, and have an impact on the way they view things. One of Odette’s recommendations is Water Bugs and Dragonflies, a book for young children which delicately describes death, using metaphor.
Key Takeaways:
The death of a loved one can leave you feeling like you’re grasping at straws, but there are resources you can use to help yourself and those around you.Memory boxes are tools that hold special trinkets, mementos, photos, and anything relating to a loved one for children.Parents can use books to gently explain death to their children.Resources
Harry’s RainbowOdette Mould on LinkedInSophia Giblin on LinkedIn Donate to Harry's Rainbow Resources on Harry's Rainbow websiteBooks and Apps
Badgers Parting GiftsWater Bugs and DragonfliesWhat Happened to Daddy's BodyMuddles, Puddles and SunshineMichael Rosen Sad BookFar Down Deep BookThe Little Flower BulbApart of Me AppSmiles and Tears App on AppstoreTreasure Time -
In this episode, hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin discuss the importance of including children in decision-making throughout their grief journey, starting as early as the funeral or ritual of saying goodbye.
Losing a loved one is hard enough as an adult, but it’s especially hard for children, who don’t have a solid grasp of the concepts of death and grief. They are entering a new world where they have to live without someone precious to them and all the complicated emotions it brings. Including them in the decision-making process gives them a sense of control - which is something that they typically want, but find difficult to express.
One thing we need to understand is the way children grieve - it’s difficult for them to be experiencing those complex feelings all the time, so they will jump in and out of them by proceeding with business as usual. Whether it’s going back to school or extra-curricular activities, they hold onto normalcy as tightly as they can, because normalcy is where they have control.
When involving children in decision-making, you must consider the fact that too many choices could overwhelm them, especially if they are open-ended. It’s safe to give them two choices if they’re very young, and three or more if they’re older.
Key Takeaways:
Just like adults, children also want to feel a sense of control when grieving.Letting your child go back to school after losing a loved one may actually help them - it gives them a sense of normalcy and control.Too many choices can overwhelm children - stick to two if they’re very young, and three or more if they’re older.Resources
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In this episode, hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin talk about funerals, or end of life ceremonies, and the complex emotions they bring up. They shed light on how to explain funerals to children, how to prepare them to attend, and whether they should even be there.
Determining whether to bring your child to the funeral of a loved one is a difficult decision to make as a parent. There are many concerns to consider - they are likely going to see many grown ups in distress, which no parent wants their child to see, and parents also fear that they may not be mentally present to support their kids. However, Odette believes it is an important opportunity for children to say goodbye to someone who was precious to them.
It’s imperative that parents and guardians explain funerals and their implications to children if they are permitted to attend. Children’s imaginations run wild, and if they're not given matter-of-fact details on what has happened, their minds will fill in the gaps - especially if they have questions that go unanswered.
As you’re inviting others to a funeral, consider these factors: Who can help you? Who can you rely on? Who can support both you and your children through the event?
Key Takeaways:
A funeral can be an important opportunity for children to say their goodbyes to someone who was precious to them.Parents and guardians should sit down and explain funerals and their implications to children - don’t assume they know what’s going on.When inviting people to a funeral as a bereaved parent, you should consider who can support both you and your children through the event.Resources
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In this episode, hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin explore ways parents can practice self-care while supporting grieving children.
There is a societal stigma around doing things for yourself - it’s considered selfish. Parents especially feel the weight of this stigma, because their natural instinct is to put their children first. Another reason people often overlook themselves, especially during times of crisis and grief, is because acknowledging pain can be scary. They avoid it because it can feel overwhelming, and they fear that they won’t be able to recover from it.
Self-care isn’t all about treating yourself to chocolates, bubble baths, and wine. As a grieving parent, it involves recognising your needs and acting on them. Parents are built to nurture their children, and in the depths of despair, it’s easy to neglect yourself. Finding a way to support yourself and reaching out for help when you need it are ways you can practice self-care. It’s like an oxygen mask, Odette and Sophia share: you have to put on yours first before you can help anyone else.
Grief may seem like an unconquerable mountain looming in front of you, but the only way to climb that mountain is one tiny step at a time. You can’t overcome it even if you take big strides in a quick space of time. Self-care is one of those tiny steps that carry you through.
Key Takeaways:
Doing things for yourself is not selfish - you also deserve nice things!Self-care involves recognising your needs and acting on them.Grief cannot be overcome by taking big strides quickly - you have to take it one tiny step at a time.Resources
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For the Love of Grief is the podcast that talks about parenting after loss. Grief isn’t something that goes away - it will always live with us. We must find a way to accommodate it as part of our lives, and hosts Odette Mould and Sophia Giblin are dedicated to supporting listeners on their journey. In this pilot episode, Odette shares her story, and how losing her son led to her founding Harry’s Rainbow in his honour.
Odette lost her son Harry when he was just five years old. It started as a cough and some chest pain, which was discovered to be asthma. They started treating his asthma, and once they got on top of it with his salbutamol pump in September 2008, he didn’t suffer any bad episodes. The following March, however, brought the return of Harry’s cough. It was worse this time, and the pump didn’t seem to be doing much. One night, after his condition kept deteriorating, they took him to A&E, where he was put on a nebulizer and admitted overnight. The doctors assured Odette that he’d be fine once they got control of his breathing. He was expected to recover the next day and be taken home.
But it didn’t happen like that. Everything occurred so abruptly that Odette was left reeling when Harry died, and she felt her future was mapped out in pain and grief. She didn’t want that for Jessica, Harry’s twin sister, who suddenly lost her other half. Determined to not let pain and grief be Jessica’s life story, she scoured high and low for someone or something that could help her daughter through this difficult experience.
After the first year of grieving Harry, Odette founded a charity to help bereaved children through their grief journey. She turned her pain into purpose and channelled her experience into something that benefited other people. “Some of that was selfish,” she tells Sophia, “it was me supporting me, it was creating something to help me feel… I don't know, but just to do something.” Harry’s Rainbow is celebrating its 10th year anniversary this year.
Key takeaways:
Grief won’t go away, so we must find a way to accommodate it as part of our lives.Counselling is not a cure-all pill for grief.Creating something good from something tragic helps us move forward in some way.Resources
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Odette Mould MBE on LinkedIn
Sophia Giblin on LinkedIn -
For The Love of Grief is the podcast where we talk openly about the often taboo and hidden subject of life after the death of a loved one.
Death touches all of our lives at some point, and the aim of this show is to give parents and care givers a resource to help them support their children, to help them to make sense of their world when someone close to them has died.
This podcast is hosted by Odette Mould MBE. As a parent supporting a bereaved child, Odette understands the overwhelm and confusion that death brings into the family, it’s just not something we consider when we choose to become a parent, yet it is part of life!
Founding her own children’s charity Harry’s Rainbow has given Odette vast experience in this field. With this podcast, she aim to help parents, and the wider community to feel empowered to make the best decisions for their children, with their children and she’s joined by fellow expert Sophia Giblin, Founder of Clear Sky Children’s Charity and Patron of Harry’s Rainbow.We both have first hand experiences of the death of a loved one within the immediate family and setting up children’s charities to help others. In this podcast we will share our stories of grief and what we’ve found to be helpful in our decades of experience in working with children and families.
Together we will be discussing what really works when supporting a child when they’re grieving and answering those difficult questions like ‘should I let my child go to the funeral or celebration of life ceremony?’ ‘How do I explain death to my child?’ And ‘how can I look after my own mental health when I’m also grieving?’
We plan to share lots of tips for how to navigate the unknown path ahead. You’re not alone. We’ve got you.
If you have any questions you’d like us to address in this podcast please email us [email protected]
The podcast will be released every week on a Tuesday. To make sure you don’t miss an episode, make sure to go to your podcast app and click subscribe so our weekly episodes will arrive in your phone like magic.
If you enjoy this podcast we’d love it if you could head over to iTunes to leave us a 5* rating and a review as this helps us get this podcast in front of more people who need this resource.
Thanks for listening.
