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Are you tired of finding yourself in toxic relationships, Dear Listener? Wondering how to break the cycle and find someone who truly complements you? Then this episode is tailor-made for you! Join us as we introduce a practical 5-step process that you can use to finally find healthy, lasting love.
We begin with an overview of the four keys to avoiding toxic relationships, then delve into the crucial practice of mindfully assessing compatibility. Learn how to conduct compatibility experiments that quickly clarify your relationship's health. Jessica and Josh share personal anecdotes and practical tips to illustrate how fear-based dating practices lead to high-conflict relationships and what you can do instead.
By the end of this episode, you'll be equipped with a five-step process that is invaluable in avoiding toxic relationships and mindfully evaluating your potential partners. From clarifying your relationship vision to assessing the data collected from compatibility experiments, you’ll gain the tools to create a loving, secure partnership.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
01:45 - How do I stop getting into toxic relationships?
05:58 - Mindfully assessing compatibility
13:19 - Fear-based dating vs. mindfully assessing compatibility
24:26 - The five steps to mindfully assessing compatibility
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People by Lindsay C. Gibson
Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner
What to Look for in Partner free guide
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.
Ep. 12 - Dating While Healing From Trauma
Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts
Big Talk and Heart-Opening Questions: Conversation Tips for Shy Introverts Who Can’t Seem to Find an LTR
Have a question or comment? Email us at [email protected]. We love hearing from you!
If you’d like to work with one of the talented clinicians on our team, go to relationshipcenter.com/apply-now to apply for a free 30-minute consultation.
To get a monthly email with our best content, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter.
If something in this episode touched you, will you share it with a friend? That helps us reach more sweet humans like you.
Lastly, we’d love it if you would...
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Are you wondering, "Do I have to tell my date that I'm queer or trans?" or "Should I tell my partner if I'm questioning my gender or sexuality?" In this episode, we dive into the fluidity of gender and sexuality in relationships with our special guest, Nicole Penrod (she/they). Nicole, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, dating coach, and couples counselor on our team at the Relationship Center, shares their expertise in navigating these deeply personal topics.
We begin by addressing the crucial question of when and how to disclose your queer or trans identity in dating scenarios. Nicole provides thoughtful insights into the factors to consider, emphasizing personal safety and authenticity. Whether you are settled in your identity or using dating as a space to explore, this episode offers guidance on approaching disclosure in a way that feels right for you.
Moving into established relationships, we discuss the importance of sharing shifts in your gender or sexual identity with your partner. Nicole highlights the necessity of open communication and the potential pros and cons of hiding such significant aspects of yourself. We explore strategies for discussing these changes, maintaining trust, and fostering an environment of mutual support and understanding in an intimate relationship.
Nicole also covers practical ways to explore your sexuality or gender within a relationship. From engaging with community resources and media to journaling exercises and considering ethical non-monogamy, they offer a variety of tools to help you navigate your journey.
By the end of this episode, you'll understand how to handle sensitive discussions when your gender or sexuality is in flux. Nicole offers invaluable insights to help you develop the confidence to embrace your true self in your relationships.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
02:54 - Do I have to tell my date that I'm queer or trans?
26:34 - Should I tell my partner if I'm trans or queer?
43:21 - How do I explore my sexuality or gender in a relationship?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Gender Reveal podcast
Gender Stories podcast
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
Alok
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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Are you and your partner fighting too much, Dear Listener? Chances are you’re not taking advantage of our #1 communication tool for contentious couples – I-Statements!
This episode delves into the power of using I-Statements (aka I-Messages) when communicating with your partner. We explore how I-Statements improve relationships by fostering open dialogue and compassion, while You-statements often lead to defensiveness and misunderstandings.
After reviewing the benefits of I-Statements, we share examples for couples that clearly show how to frame your communication around feelings and needs. By reviewing I-Statement vs You-Statement examples, you’ll learn how I-Statements encourage calm and empathetic communication.
Next, we give you the nitty gritty on how to use I-Statements in relationships. We break down granular differences between I-Statements and You-Statements, such as specificity versus generalization, taking responsibility versus blaming, and focusing on feelings versus thoughts. I-Statements promote understanding and collaboration in relationships, allowing room for multiple perspectives and validating both partners' experiences. But that’s only if you use them correctly, so listen closely for the rules of I-Statements!
By the end of this episode, you'll walk away with practical insights and strategies that you can immediately apply to your relationship. This powerful communication tool will help you create a safer and more supportive space for dialogue, enabling you and your partner to enjoy more love and connection.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
02:42 - What are "I-Statements"?
05:49 - How can "I-Statements" improve communication?
12:15 - How do you properly formulate an "I-Statement"? And what’s the difference between “I-Statements” and “You-Statements?”
33:41 - What if I-Statements feel unnatural or forced?
38:16 - Are there times I-Statements aren't useful?
42:23 - What if my partner doesn't want to use I-Statements?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
I-Statements: A Therapist's #1 Communication Skill for Couples Who Fight Too Much
Feelings Chart
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
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Dear Listener, are you a sensitive, anxious man who struggles to feel confident while dating? You're not alone! In this episode, host and dating coach Josh Van Vliet shares his personal experience looking for love as a highly sensitive and, at times, insecure man.
Spoiler alert: Josh is now happily married to his co-host, Jessica!
Jessica plumbs Josh’s dating experiences to answer the question, How do you date successfully when you're a deeply feeling, anxious man?
Josh gets real about his experiences and struggles as a sensitive introvert who doesn’t fit society’s picture of a confident, James-Bond-like man. He shares stories and strategies, including how proudly owning his temperament helped him find love.
Jessica and Josh also delve into dating while anxiously attached and how being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) affects relationships. They challenge the stigma and stereotypes and offer a fresh perspective on how sensitivity and anxiety can actually be superpowers in the dating world.
This episode is a treasure trove of personal anecdotes, expert insights, and practical tips for men who feel they're too sensitive for the dating scene.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
03:52 - What is anxious attachment and high sensitivity?
09:56 - What did your dating and relationship journey look like?
11:30 - How did your anxiety, attachment styles, and sensitivity show up in your dating experience?
15:22 - How did you work with your anxiety in dating?
37:04 - Asking someone out as an anxious, highly sensitive man
52:50 - How did you keep returning to dating?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Dr. Elaine Aaron’s website, including self assessment for high sensitivity
Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts
Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready. ― Nayyirah Waheed
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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Jealous much, Dear Listener? Fret not! In today’s conversation with Julie Barr, MFT, we explore jealousy: what it is, whether it’s healthy, and what to do about it in intimate relationships.
You may wonder, What is the true root of jealousy? Julie investigates whether jealousy is a fleeting feeling or an ingrained trait and how it differs from envy. We discuss whether jealousy is a natural, inevitable emotion or a trauma response. To round out our exploration of jealousy’s causes, we explore its link to attachment styles, particularly anxious attachment.
Next, Julie shares practical tips for addressing jealousy in romantic relationships, whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous partnership. We delve into compersion, a concept from ethical non-monogamy that can benefit people of all relationship structures. Along the way, we take some fun tangents into boundaries vs. control (hello, Jonah Hill!), how metamours are like axe throwing, and what to do if your partner wants to spend time with an ex.
Our guest, Julie Barr, MFT, is a skilled therapist, dating coach, and couples counselor with over 30+ years of experience. She specializes in working with queer, kinky, and non-monogamous individuals, couples, and polycules. Learn more about Julie and schedule a free consultation at relationshipcenter.com/about-julie-barr.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
02:34 - What is jealousy?
20:23 - Can jealousy be healthy in a relationship?
39:20 - What is compersion?
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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Dear Listener, do negative thoughts about your body or your partner’s body stop you from building a satisfying love life?
If so, you won’t want to miss our conversation with special guest Jessi Kneeland, a renowned body image coach, author of Body Neutral: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Body Image Issues, and host of the podcast This Is (Not) About Your Body.
This illuminating discussion explores how rigid beauty standards sabotage romantic relationships.
First, we tackle the common phenomenon of avoiding dating entirely due to negative body image and how body neutrality can help.
Next, Jessi provides thoughtful insights on a taboo topic – physical dealbreakers in dating. They discuss ways to suss out true dealbreakers versus those rooted in rigid beauty standards and psychological defenses. We discuss how prioritizing certain physical traits can significantly narrow one's dating pool, the implications of such choices, and what to do about it.
Lastly, Jessi offers advice for couples in which one partner reports reduced attraction in response to their partner’s appearance changing, e.g., after gaining weight or aging. Jessi offers a surprising take on how to unpack these complex emotional terrains so that couples can maintain attraction over the long haul.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
02:42 - What is body neutrality and why is it important?
06:49 - How do you date with body image issues?
23:06 - “I feel badly about this, but I’m just not attracted to people who…”
41:05 - What would you say to couples where one partner “loses attraction” because their partner’s body has changed?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Connect with Jessi Kneeland
https://www.jessikneeland.com/
Instagram: @jessikneeland
Tiktok: @jessikneeland
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/JessiKneeland
Jessi’s podcast: This is (Not) About Your Body
Body Neutral: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Body Image Issues by Jessi Kneeland
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
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Dear Listener, are you navigating a breakup in the New Year? You’re not alone -- the holidays are hard on relationships. Some researchers and experts have even deemed December 11th “Breakup Day” because it sees the most relationship endings.
That’s why we’re kicking the year off with "Breakups: Navigating Endings Gracefully & Healing." Psychotherapist and breakup guru Laia Pedreño Mateu offers compassionate insights about how to break up kindly and heal from heartbreak.
In this heart-to-heart conversation, we delve into how to part ways with sensitivity and respect, addressing the daunting question: How do you break up with someone thoughtfully? Laia shares her expert advice on handling the immediate aftermath and the natural feelings of abandonment that may follow. We explore practical steps and mindset shifts crucial for healing and moving forward from a breakup.
Discover how to respond well when someone breaks up with you, turning a period of pain into one of growth and self-discovery. We wrap up with empowering strategies to rebuild your sense of self and emerge from a breakup stronger and more resilient.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
02:53 - How do you break up with someone?
24:04 - How do you respond well when someone breaks up with you?
34:33 - How do you heal from a breakup?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
About Laia: https://relationshipcenter.com/about-laia-pedreno-mateu
Ep. 7 - Stay or go? How to know whether to break up or commit to your relationship
I-Statements blog post
How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch
How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury
Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas
Mend app
Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts
What to Look for in Partner free guide
Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready. ― Nayyirah Waheed
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
Looking for some help finding your person?...
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Hey there, Dear Listener! Ready for the third and final chapter in our online dating series? This episode is brimming with all you need to know about filters, messaging, flirtation, and online dating etiquette.
Wondering what filters to set on your dating app? Josh does a deep dive into how you can use filters to get higher-quality matches, including pointers on how to set filters for age and distance. We also touch on whether paying for online dating premium features, such as the ability to set filters, is worthwhile.
If you’re uncertain who to swipe right on, Jessica offers five great strategies. Next, Josh reviews what to do once you’ve matched with someone – message! We talk about crafting a compelling first message that gives you the best chance of getting off the app and onto a date, including practical tips for flirting and getting past small talk.
We answer common questions about online dating timing, such as how long to message before requesting a date and timeframes for responding to messages. Plus, we’re chatting about juggling convos – how many people should you talk to at once on a dating app?
Lastly, Jessica reviews the essentials of online dating etiquette, such as how to gently let someone down, the best ways to cancel a date, and how many messages to send if you don’t get a response from a match.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
01:28 - What filters should I set on my online dating apps?
07:40 - Is it worth paying for dating apps?
10:03 - What strategy should I use to swipe?
15:08 - What do you say when sending a message in online dating?
24:00 - How long should I message before meeting with someone in person?
26:17 - What is a reasonable response time for messaging on a dating app?
30:01 - How do people flirt on dating apps?
36:29 - What is proper etiquette for online dating?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner
What to Look for in Partner free guide
Ep. 3 - How to flirt like a feminist
Dateable podcast
Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy by Ken Page
How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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We answer a listener's question: Does age matter in a relationship?
If you’ve ever wondered, How much of an age gap is OK?, tune in to hear:
Age Gap Realities: We review the research, unpacking trends in happiness and commitment in age-discrepant relationships. Listen to hear science’s mixed answer to the question, Can couples with large age gaps last? Beyond Years: We explore how age-gap couples relationships can thrive by focusing on shared values, speaking honestly about their goals, and planning for inevitable life stage differences.Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner
What to Look for in Partner free guide
May-December paradoxes: An exploration of age-gap relationships in Western society.
Globally, women are younger than their male partners, more likely to age alone
The marital satisfaction of differently aged couples
A Review of the Factors Associated with Marital Satisfaction
‘A Diamond is Forever’ and Other Fairy Tales: The Relationship between Wedding Expenses and Marriage Duration
Got a burning dating or relationship question for us? Call 415-573-0164 to leave us a voicemail! Alternatively, you can record an audio note on your phone and text it to that number, or email us at [email protected]. We may answer your question on an upcoming episode of the pod!
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Dear Listener, if you’re ready to take the plunge into online dating, chances are you’re wondering, What should I write in my dating profile? And what is a good online dating photo?
We get into the nitty-gritty of perfecting your online dating profile and photos in this episode, which is the second of our three-part online dating series!
With lots of specific examples sprinkled throughout, we cover:
Profiles that Pop: Jessica reviews the three things you should include in your dating profile, plus pro tips on how to write effectively so you stand out from the crowd.Photo Perfection (and Pitfalls): Josh gives a rundown of what makes a good online dating photo, how to take good pictures (with or without a professional photographer!), and pic pitfalls, including what you should definitely not do in a dating profile picture.Honesty Policy: Jessica delves into how honest you should be on dating apps about dealbreakers, flaws, and other sensitive disclosures such as STI status, mental health struggles, neurodivergence, and limited relationship experience.Audio or Video?: Should you use audio or video prompts in your online dating profile? Let's explore how these can help you stand out from the crowd and build a deep relationship quickly – but only if it’s done well!The first episode of this series looked at whether online dating is worthwhile, which apps to choose, how to stay safe when online dating, how to improve matches, and how much time to spend on dating apps. You can find that episode here: Ep. 14 - Online Dating 101: Choosing the Right Apps and Boosting Matches
And stay tuned for the third and final installment of this series, which will dig into online dating messaging, swiping, filters, and etiquette!
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
01:35 - What should I write in my dating profile?
38:41 - What pictures should I use on my dating profile?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner
What to Look for in Partner free guide
Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy by Ken Page
Match’s Singles in America study
The dos and don'ts of Hinge audio notes
How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury
How to Take Quality Online Dating Profile Pictures
Attachment as a predictor of attraction to humor styles
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to
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Dear Listener, are you diving into the online dating world and wondering, What are the odds of dating apps working?
According to a 2019 Pew Research study:
23% of US singles find themselves a date online.A promising 10% report that they found a long-term partner online.In addition, a 2017 Stanford University survey found that 39% of heterosexual singles met via online dating, up from just 2% in 1995!
Is it worth it to date online? It really depends, so listen now to hear our nuanced breakdown of the pros and cons.
Let’s assume you’re ready to plunge into online dating and wonder, Which apps should I be on? We explore your options, including:
Swipe-based apps like Tinder and Hinge.Algorithm-based sites such as Match.com and eHarmonyWe give you the low-down on why you might opt for one type of app over the other, which are the most popular, and whether niche dating apps are worthwhile.
Jes addresses a common question for our dear male listeners: Are there any dating apps that work for guys? Spoiler: The answer is more about how you engage on the app than on the app’s demographics.
We address how many dating apps you should use at a time and how much time to spend on dating apps.
Are you already on the apps and not getting matches? We offer high-level tips on how to get more and better matches. We’ll dive into more depth on profile, picture, swiping, and messaging tips in the next episode of this series.
Lastly, we address a concern that we often hear from older singles – how to stay safe and avoid getting scammed or catfished when online dating.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
01:30 - What are the odd of dating apps actually working?
05:55 - Is it worth it to date online?
12:51 - Which apps should I be on?
19:04 - How many dating apps should I use at a time?
21:59 - Are there any dating apps that actually work for guys?
23:34 - Why am I not getting matches and how do I get better matches?
32:16 - What can I do to avoid getting duped/catfished/scammed in online dating?
38:34 - How much time should you spend on online dating?
45:32 - Summary
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Pew Research - From Looking for Love to Swiping the Field: Online Dating in the U.S.
Disintermediating your friends: How Online Dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting
Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner
What to Look for in Partner free guide
Ep. 5 - How to avoid online dating burnout
Love our show? We love you, too! Stay in touch between episodes by signing up for our newsletter at relationshipcenter.com/newsletter
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Dating and rarely finding that elusive spark? This episode is for you!
We begin by exploring the mystifying concept of a "spark." What does it mean to feel a "spark," Dear Listener, and is it a prerequisite in the early stages of dating?
Next, we discuss whether it’s okay not to feel an instant connection and whether attraction and a spark are synonymous. Is it possible to be attracted to someone yet not feel that instantaneous spark?
As we venture further, we dive deep into all the reasons you might wonder, "Why am I not feeling a spark with anyone?" From the Sex & the City Fallacy to asexuality, avoidant attachment, and unrealistic standards, we touch on seven common spark stoppers.
You’ll walk away with compassionate pointers about navigating times when the spark seems to be missing more often than not.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
01:29 - What is a spark?
10:31 - 1. The “Sex and the City” fallacy
18:19 - 2. Asexuality
23:32 - 3. Dating Anxiety
29:30 - 4. Unrealistic standards
35:51 - 5. Avoidant attachment
42:10 - 6. An ineffective dating strategy
50:31 - 7. The context is a turn-off
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network
Exposure Therapy: An Evidence-Based Treatment For Social Anxiety And Dating Anxiety
Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner
What to Look for in Partner free guide
Diane Poole Heller’s attachment styles assessment
Ep. 9 - Surprising Truths about Attachment Styles
Ep. 10 - How to develop secure attachment
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Love our show? We love you, too! Stay in touch between episodes by signing up for our newsletter at relationshipcenter.com/newsletter
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Dear Listener, if you’ve ever felt blindsided by your strong reactions to dating or confused by how the singles in the dating pool behave, this episode is for you!
We delve into the hidden impact of trauma on relationships. And if you’re thinking, "Trauma? Not me!" you might be surprised to learn that some experts estimate that 70% of adults experience a significant trauma in their lifetime.
During this episode, we break down some common misconceptions about trauma and give specific examples of how unresolved trauma impacts dating and relationships.
Opening your heart again after a trauma can be scary and overwhelming; we offer concrete guidance about reentering the dating world, one brave baby step at a time.
Last, we offer practical advice about how to date well while healing from trauma, including the common pitfalls to avoid.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
04:42 - Trauma may not be what you think it is
09:52 - How does trauma affect dating?
25:26 - How do I start dating after trauma?
35:00 - Common mistakes when dating after trauma
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Quiz: Is Unresolved Trauma Stopping You From Finding Love?
Common Dating Struggles that Trauma Survivors Experience
Ep. 1 - You aren’t crazy, dating is hard (especially for anxious folx)
Exposure Therapy: An Evidence-Based Treatment For Social Anxiety And Dating Anxiety
Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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If you struggle to feel at ease in your relationships, you may be struggling with an insecure attachment style. In the second of this two-part series, we continue exploring how to improve your relationships by developing a more secure attachment style. We discuss actionable tools for shifting from an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style to a secure style.
If you haven’t yet, make sure to listen to Part 1 of this series first. That’ll make this episode make a lot more sense 🙂.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
01:25 - Develop secure functioning skills
13:33 - Develop a coherent self-narrative
18:40 - Befriend your nervous system
20:53 - Practice mindfulness
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Ep. 10 - How to develop secure attachment - Part 1
Befriending Your Nervous System by Deb Dana
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
Headspace
The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion
Thich Nhat Hanh
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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If you struggle to feel at ease in your relationships, you may be struggling with an insecure attachment style. In the first of this 2-part series, we explore the ins and outs of improving your relationships by developing a more secure attachment style. We discuss how long it takes for an insecurely attached person to become more secure and offer actionable tools for healing an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized style.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
01:49 - What is secure attachment and why is it important?
07:56 - Can an insecurely attached person become securely attached?
11:36 - How do I go from an anxious/avoidant/insecure style to a secure style?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Ep. 9: 7 surprising truths about attachment theory
Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles Test
Wired for Love: A book by Stan Tatkin that explores how attachment theory can inform and improve romantic relationships.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love: a book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller on adult attachment styles and how they impact relationships.
Platonic by Marisa Franco
Secure attachment playlist
Positive Words from Mom
To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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"What's your attachment style?" has become a common first date or dinner party question. And for good reason — we can build better relationships when we understand our own tendencies in relationships.
But did you know that there are a number of attachment theory myths circulating that might be holding you back from finding love and companionship?
Today we explore which attachment styles are healthy, whether it's possible to have more than one style, whether/how you can change your style, and how understanding attachment theory isn't a panacea for all relationship issues.
P.S. Make sure to listen all the way through to hear Josh and Jessica awkwardly singing about attachment.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
02:54 - Myth #1: Your attachment styles developed as a result of early childhood experiences.
05:14 - Myth #2: Your attachment style is fixed.
09:28 - Myth #3: Insecure attachment is unhealthy or bad.
14:49 - Myth #4: You're just one style.
29:15 - Myth #5: If you’re insecurely attached, you can’t build secure relationships (unless you find securely attached people).
33:44 - Myth #6: In order to build a secure relationship, you have to develop secure attachment first.
36:22 - Myth #7: Attachment theory explains everything.
39:34 - Bonus Myth and final thoughts
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles Test
Wired for Love: A book by Stan Tatkin that explores how attachment theory can inform and improve romantic relationships.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love: a book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller on adult attachment styles and how they impact relationships.
Beyond the Valentine Chocolates and Roses: Creating a Long-Lasting Relationship
The Ten Commandments for a Secure-Functioning Relationship
Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!
We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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You asked, we answered! This episode features your burning questions about how to build harmonious long-term relationships. We start out with tips for developing secure attachment, including ways to soothe yourself and a partner during an anxious attachment flare. We also explore ways to get unstuck when one partner’s core wounds get triggered regularly, including fair fighting rules and communication tools that foster a peaceful relationship.
Want to win a virtual tea date with Josh and Jessica? Screenshot your Apple podcast review and send it to us at [email protected] by May 9th, 2023. We’ll choose one winner at random for an hour-long virtual chat where you can pick our brains, ask us questions, or just hang out.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
01:52 - How to support yourself and people you are dating with anxious attachment
28:38 - Core wounds in relationships
42:15 - Fair fighting tools for harmonious, mutually supportive relationships
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Mindful Self-Compassion
Inner Bonding
Getting the Love you Want, by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
Possible Fair Fighting Rules to consider for your relationship
I-Statements blog post
Couples Dialogue, a communication tool for better understanding and empathizing with your partner, from Imago Works
4 Horsemen Antidotes, strategies for addressing negative communication patterns in relationships, from the Gottman Institute
Ep. 5 - How to avoid online dating burnout
Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!
We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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Are you at a crossroads in your relationship? If you’re questioning whether it’s time to breakup with or further commit to your partner, today’s episode is for you. We review the signs that a relationship is healthy (or not!), including how much conflict is too much. We also discuss how and when to bring up concerns to your partner along with actionable tools you can use to clarify whether it’s time to stay or go.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
03:44 - What are the signs that a relationship is healthy or unhealthy?
10:47 - How much conflict is too much in a relationship?
22:37 - At what point do I bring up concerns I have in a relationship? How should I bring them up?
31:36 - What are some approaches that can help me decide whether to break up or commit to my relationship?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
If you’re in imminent physical, emotional, or sexual danger in your relationship, get out safely. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7.
Warmlines - free peer-run listening line staffed by people in mental health recovery themselves
One Love Foundation has excellent resources for determining whether a relationship is healthy or not (see their list of 10 Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships) and for safely planning a breakup.
Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships by Sheva Rajaee
Episode: What to look for in a long term partner
The Gottman Institute
Stan Tatkin's books
How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury
Deeper Dating, by Ken Page
Antidotes to The Four Horseman
Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!
We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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We’re comin’ atcha today with a Love Note, a mini-episode where we tackle one quick question. Today’s topic: my date didn’t ask me any questions on the first date. Should I go on a second date? The answer may surprise you…
We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]
Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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Ever wondered why online dating is so exhausting? If dating apps are making you depressed, join us for today’s episode. You’ll learn why nearly 80% of people report feeling emotionally fatigued when dating online and gain actionable strategies for how to avoid online dating burnout. We’ll also share key mindsets that will enable you to weather the ups and downs of dating so that you can find lasting love.
Our guest today is Laia Pedreño Mateu, dating coach, psychotherapist, and resident Shame Slayer at the Relationship Center. In addition to helping trauma survivors and highly sensitive people overcome anxiety, Laia’s obsessed with science fiction, group therapy, and singing 80s tunes to her golden doodle, Lucy.
Key Takeaways
00:00 - Intro
03:00 - What is dating burnout?
06:17 - Why is online dating so exhausting?
16:50 - What do we do about it?
30:34 - Why is mindset important in online dating?
39:50 - What mindsets help prevent dating burnout?
Resources and links
For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast
Emotional Fatigue and Burnout in Online Dating – Data Study
‘A Decade of Fruitless Searching’: The Toll of Dating App Burnout - NY Times
Platonic by Marisa Franco
The Acceptance Prophecy: How You Control Who Likes You
Do You Believe in Relationship Magic? by David J Bredehoft Ph.D.
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA
Thinking in Bets: Making Smarter Decisions When You Don't Have All the Facts by Annie Duke
Ep. 2 - What to look for in a long-term partner
Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts
Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!
We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]
Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com
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