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This week we are continuing with our discussions about sense of self, and focusing on how it impacts our marriages. It is really difficult, if not impossible, to have a strong, healthy, intimately connected marriage relationship if we don't have a strong sense of self. When we have an underdeveloped sense of self, we lessen our capacity to really love and accept the other person and we severly limit our ability to do the repair work that is inevitable and so important to our marriage, two things that are vital for deep, intimate connection. Let's dig a little deeper so we can clean some things up, shall we?
Thanks for listening! Want to learn more about this concept? Check out these podcasts:
29 Validation
34 Self-Compassion
46 Choosing to Love Yourself
78 Playing Small
104 Cultivating Self-Love
105 Self-Love In Our Past, Present, and Future
106 Fierce Self-Love
113 Self-Acceptance
114 Confidence
137 Not Enough? Not True
162 My 90-day Relationship
198 My Last 90 Day Relationship
215 Being Seen and Being Heard
247 The Value in Knowing Our Value
260 Your Lovability and Your Love Ability
293 Dating in Mid-life
294 The 90-day Relationship How To
304 Personalities, Preferences, and Perspectives
327 Learning to Love Your Human Self
331 Sense of Self
332 Sense of Self - It's All In Your Head
333 Sense of Self and Dating
Interesting in a free 90-minute coaching/consult with me? Access my calendar at: https://tanyahalecalendar.as.me/
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Continuing on with our sense of self series, today we are applying it to dating. When we have a strong sense of self, we approach dating with courage, confidence, and conviction. We aren't afraid of saying 'no' or being rejected. That's not to say we love it when it happens, but it doesn't rock our world because we understand that people's preferences don't mean anything about us. A strong sense of self approaches dating from an abundance mindset, while a reflective sense of self approaches it from a scarcity mindset. And a scarcity mindset will set us up for a struggling relationship, while an abundance mindset will more naturally steer clear of people who won't be a good fit, and we won't be willing to 'settle'. A strong sense of self is the key to having a fun and successful dating in mid-life experience.
Thanks for listening!
Interesting in a free 90-minute coaching/consult with me? Access my calendar at: https://tanyahalecalendar.as.me/
Want to learn more about this concept? Check out these podcasts:
29 Validation
34 Self-Compassion
46 Choosing to Love Yourself
78 Playing Small
104 Cultivating Self-Love
105 Self-Love In Our Past, Present, and Future
106 Fierce Self-Love
113 Self-Acceptance
114 Confidence
137 Not Enough? Not True
162 My 90-day Relationship
198 My Last 90 Day Relationship
215 Being Seen and Being Heard
247 The Value in Knowing Our Value
260 Your Lovability and Your Love Ability
293 Dating in Mid-life
294 The 90-day Relationship How To
304 Personalities, Preferences, and Perspectives
327 Learning to Love Your Human Self
331 Sense of Self
332 Sense of Self - It's All In Your Head
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This week we arae digging deeper into what our sense of self is and seeing how either a reflective sense of self or a solid sense of self show up in our lives. All of the work we do here on the podcast stems from a solid sense of self, so as we clean up our thoughts and get more clear on who we are, how we are, and why we are, we can be more empowered to create the life and the relationships we truly desire. Want to know how to strengthen your sense of self? We also talk here today about six things you can do to begin to move toward a more solid sense of self.
Thanks for listening! Want to learn more about this concept? Check out these podcasts:
11 I Am Enough
29 Validation
36 Belonging and Fitting In
46 Choosing to Love Yourself
86 Is Self-Care Being Selfish?
118 100% Responsibility
130 Exploring Our Darkness
179 Being Kind to Yourself
215 Being Seen and Being Heard
232 Feeling Empowered
247 The Value in Knowing Our Value
287 Equality in Your Relationships and Your Self-Worth
305 When We Don't Feel Good Enough
310 Understanding Our Adaptive Child - 'US' - by Terrence Real
327 Learning to Love Your Human Self
331 Sense of Self
Interesting in a free 90-minute coaching/consult with me? Access my calendar at: https://tanyahalecalendar.as.me/
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Our sense of self, how we see ourselves, how we understand ourselves, and how we accept ourselves is core to our capacity to show up in healthy ways in our lives. When we have a strong sense of self, all aspects of our lives run more smoothly, from our personal growth and happiness to our ability to have happier and more successful relationships. When we have an under-developed sense of self, all aspects of our lives will struggle. We will constantly be floundering in our personal lives, in our relationships, and in all of the other things we engage in. We will not have that underlying sense of calm and peace, the fulfillment and satisfaction with the paths we are on. In this episode, we are laying the foundation for understanding what our sense of self is and where it comes from, and in the next few episodes, we will explore more in-depth how to strengthen our sense of self.
Thanks for listening! Want to learn more about this concept? Check out these podcasts:
11 I Am Enough
29 Validation
36 Belonging and Fitting In
46 Choosing to Love Yourself
86 Is Self-Care Being Selfish?
118 100% Responsibility
130 Exploring Our Darkness
179 Being Kind to Yourself
215 Being Seen and Being Heard
232 Feeling Empowered
247 The Value in Knowing Our Value
287 Equality in Your Relationships and Your Self-Worth
305 When We Don't Feel Good Enough
310 Understanding Our Adaptive Child - 'US' - by Terrence Real
327 Learning to Love Your Human Self
Interesting in a free 90-minute coaching/consult with me? Access my calendar at: https://tanyahalecalendar.as.me/
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Many of us, when we get divorced, create a story about our ex that keeps us stuck. And even if you're not divorced, you may have a story about your current marriage or family that keeps you stuck. Stuck in victim mentality, where you feel disempowered and at the mercy of someone else to change before you can feel better. Very often, we can't change the circumstances of our lives, but we can change the perspective, the story we tell ourselves, about the circumstance, and that has the power to move us forward and get us unstuck. It's a concept that is powerful in any strained relationship in your life.
Thanks for listening! Want to learn more about this concept? Check out these podcasts:
31 Choosing Your Life 122 Your Story About You 123 Your Thoughts About You 291 Divorce and Self-Worth 250 Being a Victim 263 Greatest Hits - Being a Martyr 264 Greatest Hits - Still Being a Martyr 292 Healing and Moving Forward After Divorce 312 Divorce Is Not the End, Part 1 313 Divorce Is Not the End, Part 2Interesting in a free 90-minute coaching/consult with me? Access my calendar at: https://tanyahalecalendar.as.me/
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In his book, The New Rules of Marriage, Terrence Real talks about five losing strategies that we often use in our marriages. I think all of us are guilty of using these, but when we are aware of what they are, and are willing to see how we have and do use them in our relationships, we can start to clean up our thinking and our behaviors and really start to create relationships that are intimate and strong, and partnerships that are equal and engaging.
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Some decisions are harder than others. Everyone I have worked with or talked to who has gotten divorced says that their decision to do it was the hardest one of their life. Whether it's divorce, or another decision that is super difficult for you to make, understanding why it's difficult and how you can process all the pieces is a valuable part for helping you to make that final decision, whether it's to stay or to go.
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Why is it that we can be so hard on ourselves for being human? We were created, by God, to be a human, and yet we can have such a difficult time embracing our imperfect humanity. When we can instead embrace our humanity, love the learning journey, and praise the imperfect path, we will not only grow faster and with more comfort, but we will enjoy the life journey we are on.
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We all seem to have this innate drive and desire to be right. And yet, there's a pattern I often see that the more we are right in a relationship, the weaker the relationship is. This is because we often push our being right on others at the expense of them feeling safe. They feel judged, criticized, and maybe angry, but not safe. And creating safety in our relationships is a vital part of creating a healthy relationship.
Want to set up a free 90-min. consultation with me to get coached and find out if coaching is a good fit for you? Go to https://www.tanyahale.com/site/consultation and make that happen.
If you haven't signed up for my Weekend Win, a short weekend email with great coaching concepts, go to https://www.tanyahale.com/contact to start receiving those.
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Remember the analogy about filling our buckets? I don't love that one. And the reason I don't is because I feel it leaves us always in a scramble for keeping out buckets full since we're always emptying them out with acts of service. So, here's an idea for you. How about if we move into a space of overflow, where our service for others comes from our overflow rather than from our bucket? How do we get to this space of overflow? That's what we're going to talk about in today's podcast.
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It can be super easy to slide into a life that we're not passionate about. I've heard so many people say that their life isn't what they want, but it's okay. They have leearned to tolerate a life that feels far below what their spirit is aching for. And that's not okay. You have great things to do and amazing contributions to make in this world, and it won't happen when you are living a tolerable life. Moving out of this life requires courage and a boatload of work, but it is so worth it when you feel a deep fulfillment and a 'coming home' to who you are meant to be. So, how do we stop tolerating a life that we don't love? We start to recognize when and where we're tolerating and we courage up to creating movement. Let's do this!
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Often in middle age we get really comfortable, and in that comfort, we neglect that inner voice inside of us that says we still have great things to do, that there is still growth and understanding for us to move into. And yet, it can feel scary to listen to that voice and courage up and do something different. But until we do, we will never find the deep joy and satisfaction that life has to offer.
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One of the most important things we can do when we want to grow personally is to learn to be honest with ourselves. And when we rely upon the phrase, 'I don't know' when things come up for us, we are being dodgy. We are not being honest with ourselves because, we really do know. Sometimes it's just painful and a lot of work to look deep within ourselves to see what we need to see. And this resistance to self-awareness keeps us stuck. Let's explore why and how this works and how to move into the deeper work of figuring it out.
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Last week we revisited a concept called 'clean love', a space where we learn to love without expectations of others. A question I frequently get when discussing clean love is, 'But aren't there inherent expectations in relationships, such as a marriage?' The answer to that is absolutely. So, in this episode, we are going to be discussing how to have clean love and also have expectations in our relationships for the best possible outcomes.
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Today we are revisiting episode #92 Clean Love. This is one of my favorite concepts that I teach about, and for those of you who haven't gotten that far back in listening, here's your chance to catch up on this concept. Clean love is a space where we learn to love without expectation, without an agenda, something that many of us don't know how to do, and may not even be aware that we are loving with conditions. When we can learn to clean up our love, we show up better, and we have more clarity around our relationships and how and when boundaries can be important.
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Many of us were raised to believe that not rocking the boat was the best bet for happy relationships, and yet, from my experience, not rocking the boat created an unequal relationship that caused feelings of either resentment or contempt in my relationship, both of which were very destructive. Rocking the boat is not only necessary, but also an important part in any healthy relationship, and yet we also want to make sure we are sending gentle waves and not a huge tsunami. So how do we do that? Listen in and see!
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We hear a lot of talk about how hard it is to raise toddlers and teenagers, but not many of us were prepared for the challenges of having adult children. In this episode we are discussing five reasons it can be so challenging and how to work through them so you can be the kind of person you really want to be with your adult children.
#99 Parenting Adult Children #129 Parenting Discomfort #157 Friend-Zoning Your Adult Children #180 Better Relationships With Our Adult Children #182 How Our 'Wayward' Children Bless Our Lives #202 Pain, Peace, and Parenting Disengaged Adult Children #237 You'll Never Be Enough For Your Children
Want to check out some more podcasts about adult children?#314 When Boundaries Are Hard
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In recent years, fawning has been added to the survival responses of flight, flight, and freeze. While fight is a conflict strategy and flight and freeze are avoidant strategies, fawning is referred to as an appeasement strategy. When we fawn we seek to bring ourselves into alignment with the other person, who our brains perceive as a threat, by people-pleasing, saying yes when we want to say no, or doing what it takes to avoid conflict. Though fawning can work out well short-term by diffusing the situation, it makes it impossible for us to create healthy relationships. Understanding what fawning is, why we do it, and how to stop is an important conversation.
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Sometimes the decisions we need to make feel overwhelming and super scary. And because of that we hesitate and procrastinate, and we drag it out and cause ourselves extra hours, days, weeks, months, or even years of angst as we struggle to make the decision. How can we find the confidence to make decisions easier and faster? And how will we know if the decision we make is right? The answer to those question lies in our SELF confidence.
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People having a mid-life crisis is common enough that it is often the focus of movies and tv shows, memes and jokes. It is often portrayed as middle-aged people buying expensive cars or running off and having an affair. But a mid-life crisis does not need to be something that brings down the financial well-being or the family. If we understand it and approach it from the inside, rather than the outside, it can be an amazing turning point in our lives for tapping into our life's possibility, of creating a renewed zest and energy for life that feels amazing. In that context, I absolutely say 'Yes, please!' to a mid-life crisis.
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