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Hey there, It’s Kerri. I hope that you are well and doing the best you can during the holiday season.
I am going to take a break for the rest of this month from the podcast. I really feel the pull of focusing as much as I can on my family this holiday season, more so this year. There has been so much going on, lots good, some things have been a bit more challenging.
I’m like everyone else. I am so busy, rushing through my days in a blur, in spite of doing my best to stay present. However, my family needs as much of my attention as I can give them. My son is going through a huge transitional phase right now -very good, but very stressful. My husband is older, he’s 73 and not in the best of health right now. He’s also a quadruple heart bypass survivor, and while the surgery is not out of the ordinary, he doesn’t take the best care of himself, in spite of all of my efforts. He had the surgery about 9 years ago, so I am more keenly aware of time being precious.
This has been an amazing year for so many reasons and I am so very grateful for all that I have. I am also eternally grateful for all of you! Your support has made such a huge difference in my life, and saying thank you just doesn’t seem to cover it!
I am also going to take a look at the show’s content, and I have big plans for next year! I will be back with the first new show of 2024 on January 6th! If you have any comments, suggestions, or ideas, please let me know! . You can always find me and message me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com
In the meantime, you can always check out my YouTube channel for all of my past episodes and video exercises. Please also visit my website for lots of information and resources.
I hope this holiday season finds you taking extra good care of yourself, and as always, we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This episode 44 and I’m going to talk about why grief is so intense around the holiday season.
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
All right let’s dive in!
So grief. Grieving around the holidays can be so intense and hard. But it isn’t only missing those who are no longer with us. Grief takes so many forms, and we grieve losses of any kind. We can grieve the loss of a situation, maybe we lost a job or an opportunity we were hoping for. Perhaps we also then grieve the loss of financial stability. Maybe we are grieving the loss of a relationship, any relationship be it family, friends, coworkers, and others. We can also grieve the “idea” of relationships. If we grew up in toxic and dysfunctional families, we feel the loss of what we wanted, what “should” have been, rather than what we currently have.
I know that for me, missing what I wanted, my “ideal” family, especially at the holiday season was a tough one for me to grow through. Growing up, the fantasy world in my head was a much nicer place to live than the real world. In my imagination, everyone was well, happy, together in a way they really didn’t exist in truth. Everyone got along, no fighting, no drunkenness, no illness, no frequent moves. Things were happy, stable, people were stable. As I grew older, and had my own kids, I focused on them, making the holidays wonderful and magical for them. Doing all of the things I wished my parents had done with me but didn’t. However, I hadn’t ever really dealt with my own grief and trauma, I was just trying to outrun it as fast as I could. When my mom died in 1991, many of those things I’d been trying to outrun, finally caught up with me in a BIG way.
My relationship with her was so complicated, so enmeshed, I couldn’t see where I began and ended without her. With her gone, who was I really? That first holiday season brought on waves of grief, huge crashing waves that I thought would drown me. That was followed always by the constant grief of losing my little sister in December of 1977. Then piled on top of that, my dad’s hasty remarriage just a few months after my mom died and I was just completely adrift. I continued to focus on my kids during the holidays even though I was often tempted to just stop, freezing in place with my pain. Over the years, other losses piled up, lost jobs, lost homes, lost situations, and opportunities. Then my kids got older, grew up and moved on. Again I was completely lost -without them to care for on a daily basis, who was I? You sense the theme here right?
Due to everything I had been through, all of the trauma, dysfunction, loss, and lack of stability, I had never had the opportunity to find out just who Kerri really was! I had no idea what I liked, didn’t like, what I liked to do, nothing. I had always identified as a caretaker, I took care of my mom, raised my little sister, cared for my husband and my kids, but never really myself. I didn’t even know how to begin. It was a very, very long process, one I still work at every day. With lots of time, lots of therapy, lots of slow steps, not always forward, I slowly began to put my own pieces together for the first time. Realizing that I, on my own, was a being worthy and deserving of just as much love, care, and attention as anyone else, was a big moment! I had worth, just being me! What a concept! Then I had to learn how to care for myself, how to nourish and develop my senses, how to be present. I had to learn how to be me in a totally new way, not through anyone else, not by how much I cared for or did for anyone else, just me.
This was especially true during the holidays. I had to work through my grief, losses, and those old ideas of what I thought I was lacking. I began to think about what I did have, how many people I had that I loved and loved me. I had a lot to be grateful for and had to fight all those well-worn scarcity thoughts. Then I slowly began to piece together the parts of my childhood holiday memories that were good. How we used to gather with our family at the holidays and how good that felt. How hard my mom worked to make Christmas special and magical. Seeing the look of joy on my sister’s face as we raced to the living room knowing Santa had come. All of it. Does it still hurt at the holidays? Of course, but now I focus on the good, more so than the bad. I stay as present as I can and enjoy the moments of happiness, love, and belonging that I have created for myself and my family. We make wonderful new memories every year, and that helps tip the scales back into balance.
Is it easy? No, it takes a lot of work and intention to create anything new. Pushing back against those habitual things we know so well is a process, but it can and will get better. You have to want it, then find ways in which to stitch your own heart back together one small piece at a time. Healing can be messy and painful, but it is always worth it in the end. Focusing on what we DO have, rather than what we DON’T have truly helps more than you think. If you really desire change, start there, with gratitude practice daily. You can use an app, or journal, or your computer, whatever you find is most supportive for you. But every day is the key, don’t quit. If you need ideas on things to be grateful for and why you are grateful for them (Don’t forget that part, why you are grateful and how these things make you feel is an important step) Google ideas, there are a ton out there!
A simple exercise that might help you this holiday season is to write a letter to someone or something you miss. If you are missing someone this holiday, write them a letter. Even if they are gone, write out your feelings, write to them what you miss about them, or even what you don’t miss about them. If you need to get some anger or hurt out, do it. Then when you are finished, crumple up the letter, burn it (safely) tear it up, but get rid of it. Then your feelings are out of your head and onto physical paper, then as you destroy the letter, it’s gone. If there is a situation, or opportunity you are missing, do the same thing. Write out your feelings around it, then destroy it. It can be a very freeing thing to get it out of your mind, and maybe it will take more than once, but do it, start today!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58, my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This is episode 43 and I’m going to talk about ways that we can get through the rest of the holiday season with a little bit of our sanity intact!
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
All right let’s dive in!
In last week’s episode, we talked about creating your own personal “Holiday Rescue Plan” to set boundaries and say no to those toxic family gatherings. If you created one and put it into action, I’d love to hear about it!
But what do we do if we feel there isn’t any way to say no? How do we deal with all of that toxic behavior and atmosphere in a new way, one in which we can still set boundaries and retain some of our sanity? How can we avoid the triggers that these holiday gatherings seem to always bring?
Part of the problem is how “steeped” in tradition the holidays are. Even in toxic and dysfunctional families, there are rituals and things that for those of us with trauma, we can’t seem to shake. Often, no matter how hard we have tried to shake off our past, it still follows us into the holidays. It is a fact that traumatic holiday events and memories are a part of our past, and as we get closer to those holiday events, our nervous system begins to go right into panic mode! That impending sense of doom and feeling trapped is absolutely horrible. Not feeling like we have an option sends our over stimulated nervous system into those well-worn trauma responses. Particularly when we were abused in some way by a family member, holidays may have been times that we were forced to spend time with them. Even if we spoke up about the abuse, we may have been dismissed, not believed, told to “shut up” or “be quiet” about it and just “deal” with their abuser’s presence at holiday gatherings. Other survivors describe the holidays as feeling completely alienated or disconnected from their family and culture.
This is particularly true when our collective holiday culture tells us to feel “grateful” for what we have, and we don’t feel grateful for much. Then on top of that, we feel guilt and shame for how ungrateful we DO feel! We are reminded over and over again that we “should” be grateful.
Holidays can also bring about a thought process (often stoked by other family members and/or friends) that it’s our fault for how unloved and lonely we feel, that if we just “loosened up” a little, and forgave the abusive or toxic behavior, maybe we would get some of that love and belonging we so desperately crave.
So as trauma survivors, our well-worn Trauma Brain with all of those go to thoughts, behaviors, emotions, and reactions will unfortunately be up front and center for the holidays! It will be the loudest voice you hear. Our Trauma Brain will absolutely connect us back to all of those awful memories from our past. We get flashbacks and are triggered over and over again during the holidays. It makes it even worse when we have to go to homes we grew up in, in towns where so much of our trauma happened. As our inner critic tells us over and over that WE are at fault, we are responsible, we are the problem.
Toxic family members feel that during the holidays, they absolutely have the right (and the power) to manipulate, berate, and abuse anyone and everyone present. The more people involved, the better they “like” it. They want the attention to be on them, and what better way to get it than by hurting everyone? Or by singling out those family members they feel particularly drawn to hurt? No matter how far you’ve come in your trauma recovery, being thrust back into those old toxic and dysfunctional family patterns can make anyone feel crazy!
For example, when I was a kid, we didn’t really spend much time at the holidays with my dad’s parents, the Walkers. Even when we went back to Hutchinson for Christmas every year, we spent it with my Mom’s parents (which wasn’t healthy either). My Walker grandparents my dad’s parents were only a mile or 2 away, and we’d pop in for the obligatory visit, but didn’t stay long. It wasn’t my grandfather that was the problem, he was wonderful. It was my grandmother, Ruthie, that was the problem. She was the queen of passive-aggressive behavior. Or just outright cruelty. When my little sister Erin died suddenly in mid-December of 1977, needless to say, that Christmas was the most awful, horrible time. My Walker grandparents came when she died and stayed until Christmas. My grandmother actually looked at my mom and said, “You know if you hadn’t have smoked, Erin wouldn’t have died.” I mean WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT to someone who has just lost a child??? That’s a pretty extreme example but I’m sure many of you listening have your own awful memories of comments or things either said or implied that you can relate to.
The first big step in dealing with toxic family members during the holidays is realizing what you have control over, and what you don’t. No matter how much you wish you could change other’s behaviors, you can’t. It just isn’t possible. The only things that you have control over are what you do, say, and how you respond and react. That’s it, period. So with that first realization, you can think about other steps you can have in place to protect yourself as much as possible. Here are some ideas that could help you deal with things a little bit more easily.
· So for example, if cocktail hour before dinner is a nightmare, don’t show up until closer to dinnertime.
· Distraction is something new to try. Bring a game or a puzzle and suggest everyone try it. Distraction can be a great way to tone down the focus of family members a bit.
· Don’t get caught off guard. If you know that certain family members in certain situations will behave in a specific way, be prepared for it! Say cousin Susie gets passive-aggressive in the kitchen getting ready for the meal. Leave the room when this behavior sets up, or think of something neutral to say, or ignore it all together. Remember, the more attention you give toxic family members, the more they see that they’ve upset you, the more they like it! Strategize how to give these folks the least amount of attention and energy, don’t fall into those traps!
· Lots of self-care during the holidays is a must! Anything you can do extra to care for yourself is so important. Have a safe and trusted person that you can text and check in with during this time. Take a relaxing bath, try yoga or stretching. Any exercise is good for you. Read a great book, indulge in your favorite scents. Spend time doing what you like and want to do. Rest, rest, and more rest as well!
· Stay away from any topics that might bring up conflict or other toxic behaviors. Avoid politics, religion, and anything else that can trigger those automatic toxic tendencies!
· Try your best to contain your upset. This is a hard one, but the more toxic family members see how upset you are, the more they like it. It feeds into and fuels their behaviors. If you want to, you could take a notebook with you and jot down what things upset you. Then it’s on paper and not in your head. Or you could use an app in your phone to write out your feelings.
· Change up the logistics. If staying at your parents house is a nightmare, consider a hotel, bed and breakfast, an Airbnb, or Verbo spot. There are lots of deals around this time, and if you need an excuse, you could say you have to work some, or you have made some other plans that make staying somewhere else more practical. Also, arrange your own transportation. If your parents or family members picking you up from the airport is a horrible experience, consider renting a car or arranging some other mode of transportation for yourself. Treat yourself to an Uber or Lyft to and from if you are able to.
· Take time out for some “mindful” moments. When things get too chaotic or overwhelming, pick a place you know you can have some space, and a bit of peace for a few minutes. Even a bathroom can offer some space in a pinch for some relief. Excuse yourself, breathe, repeat something soothing to yourself.
· Check your perspective. Remember that if you do indeed need to be a part of any gatherings with toxic and dysfunctional family members, this is only a brief moment in time, it will pass. The more prepared you are for how you will handle and deal with things, the better. If you come away from it this holiday with a better experience from your perspective, the better you will feel afterwards!
I hope these suggestions are things you found helpful and are more tools we’re adding to that mindfulness toolbox we’ve been building together. Take your toolbox with you everywhere you go, not just the holidays, and use what you’ve learned when you need it! These are skills you’ve learned, your tools to use for anything that comes up!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58, my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra, EXTRA good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This is episode 42, and I’m going to talk about why the holidays can be less than happy and joyous for many of us.
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
All right let’s dive in!
The holidays mean so many different things to us all. They tend to be a reflection of our personal experiences, religions, memories, habits, and so on. We are bombarded today typically right after Halloween with all things Christmas (Thanksgiving gets touched on, then quickly bypassed) with ads showing smiling families, warm family gatherings, lots of food, pretty decorations. It can be overwhelming, but it’s driven by that all encompassing need for SALES! Consumerism is alive and well my friends!
The holiday season can be so hard just to get through if you had less than happy memories or experiences of it as a child. Toxic families often just continue on that destructive spiral, and it seems to get even more toxic around the holidays. It’s a time where many feel obligated to attend family gatherings even though they know that unhealthy, often completely toxic, and destructive behaviors will be a large part of the menu. So we go, gearing up for the battle we know is coming. We rehearse what to say and what NOT to say! We become a captive audience, targets unfortunately, and can be sitting ducks for all of the holiday nastiness.
My memories of the holidays are a complicated mixed bag of things. Now we were technically well off, we had nice houses, plenty of food, our physical needs were met. But all of the other needs? Not so much. My mom, even with how sick she always ways pulled out all of the stops for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She wasn’t a baker, but she was a damn good cook and we had lovely meals. Decorating for Christmas was her thing, and our homes and trees were always lovely. And Santa always brought tons of presents for me and my sister, everything we wanted. Except for me the elusive Christmas toy was the game Operation! I asked for it every year, never got it, but I got everything else! If you’ve ever watched “The Santa Clause” where characters Laura Miller and her husband Neil talk about not getting their most wished for gifts “Mystery Date” and an “Oscar Meyer Weenie Whistle” you’ll understand!
Up until I was 8 years old, no matter where we were living, we made the trek back to Hutchinson Kansas where my parents were both from, every Christmas to spend it at my maternal grandparents’ house. Christmas at the Fitzgerald house was pretty amazing. My Uncle’s Ed and Jack my mother’s brothers would all come with their families and so I got to hang out with all of my cousins! They had a big old house with what felt like 20 floors (I think it only had 2) and lots of weird little rooms that had connecting doors. I loved exploring! We had Christmas on Christmas Eve there. The tree was in the front living room, so on Christmas Eve my grandmother would close the big double doors to the room, and we all sat outside and waited. We could hear noise on the roof, jingle bells and the sound of things going on behind those doors. When they thought the time was right, they’d throw open those doors and magically, Santa had come! Those were good times. But even there, there were things going on that were too adult for me to understand. One Christmas I think I was 5, we were in the living room opening presents. I was kneeling on the floor in front of an armchair, opening a present on the seat in front of me. A family member went to step over my legs, and he suddenly fell over me landing on the floor shaking violently. His lit cigarette fell on me, burning a hole in my nightgown and on me. I was horrified that his tripping over my legs had somehow caused his fall and violent shaking. I didn’t learn until much later that he had been an alcoholic for years, and he had a seizure at just that moment. There were other things too, they remain fuzzy in the back of my mind, not clear enough to remember well, but impressions of other things going wrong. The holiday trips ended when I was 8, my grandmother passed away suddenly, and that started a cascade of other events, the sale of the grand old house, my grandfather bouncing around living with each of his three kids, another story for another time.
Christmas with my parents alone was not a good thing. While my mom worked to make things as wonderful as she could, my parents’ relationship was terrible. With my dad home from work for the holiday, all they did was fight and if they weren’t screaming at each other, it was passive-aggressive comments, little sniping dialogue back and forth. Then there was the drinking. My dad drank way too much every day and night he was home. It made him mean. My fondest wish each Christmas was that he wouldn’t get drunk and ruin things, but that wish never came true. It wasn’t until I was much, much older that I realized that my mom had her own drug and alcohol issues. Holiday dinners were agonizing, and often ended in tears, yelling, or my dad falling face down into his dinner plate. The stress and tension were almost like something physical, heavy, a huge weight always in the air.
My sister Erin was born when I was 8. She gave me someone to look after. I raised her, I felt protective of her so keeping her out of harm’s way was a focus for me. As I got a little older, and learned the truth about Santa, I was able to keep the magic alive with her, and through her. Her sudden death in December of 1977 destroyed the magic of Christmas for years for me.
The joy of the holidays returned for me when I became a mom. I channeled my mom for the holidays and re-creating the magic for my kids was what brought some of that happiness back for me. My husband and I back in Ohio would take the kids every year to a lovely rural Christmas tree farm, where we would trek through deep snow, choose the perfect tree, and cut it down ourselves. I baked cookies, we strung popcorn and cranberries for our tree, I added new elements to our own personal traditions.
Then my mom died in 1991, and my dad very quickly remarried. My husband, kids, and I tried to blend in with both his new wife and her family, but it just didn’t work. It was extraordinarily painful for me. Her daughter, her granddaughter, and her family members were included in everything. We were not and it just got to the point where I couldn’t do it, and I wouldn’t put my kids through it anymore. I was labeled ungrateful and was viewed as a “bad daughter.”
Now my kids are long grown, but I still pull out all of the stops for the holidays. It makes both me and my family feel special and keeps some of that magic alive. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but I had to create my own special traditions. I kept the good pieces of my experiences, then added in other elements of what I wanted as well.
The point of this is to say that it doesn’t matter if they are “family” or not. If spending the holidays with them brings you feelings of dread, fear, panic, and triggers you, you absolutely have the right to keep you, your partner, and your children safe from that. You can say no, and they absolutely WILL NOT like it, but preserving your own sanity, mental health, and wellbeing are number one! We get so tied up in feeling like no matter what, we have a duty as children, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, or uncles whatever the relationship is to attend holiday family get togethers, and the truth is, we don’t. We can stand up for ourselves, we can create our own new healthy traditions! We get to do that, really, and let me tell you, it saved me and my own family from constant hurt and pain. Just because people gave birth to you, or raised you, or are related to you does not give them the right to hurt you in any way, period! It sounds simple, and I know it’s not, but wouldn’t it be nice to spend a holiday being happy, at peace, not fighting battles, arguing, or feeling attacked, put down, or dismissed! You bet it would!
You can create a plan of action, now, today on what to say. You could even write a letter, mail it if you want to. A quick call, anything to let them know you are starting your own traditions, your own memories, creating your own peace. It feels too big and hard, with a heaping helping of guilt I’m sure. But once you get the words out no matter how you choose to deliver them, it’s done. It doesn’t mean you are wrong, ungrateful, mean, hateful, or disappointing as a person. They will try and pull out all of the stops, all of the drama to make you feel that way, because that is what has worked for them in the past. Whatever awful tactics they have used before to get you to do what they want, they will try, and THEN some.
This time however, you don’t buy into it, don’t fall into that toxic trap! You created a plan of action, put it into words and yes, it will feel uncomfortable, but you know in your heart of hearts it’s right for YOU! Then you can make the holiday season into whatever you want it to be! If a holiday meal is you in your jammies watching a favorite movie, then that’s what it’ll be! Whatever you do that is right for you and yours is exactly perfect. No guilt allowed!! Think of how freeing that is!
A quick exercise you can do for yourself is to write your “Holiday Toxic Family Escape Plan” out!
Think about:
1. Who you need to tell your plan to.
2. When you need to tell them.
3. How you will tell them.
4. Start with an “I” statement. This isn’t you placing the blame or pointing a finger at them, so they can’t get defensive. This is you stating a fact, and that’s it. For example, saying something like “I have decided that this holiday, I/we will be spending it at my/our home. Or “This year I have decided we will be spending the holiday with my/our (friends, etc.). You also don’t have to explain any more than that. You are an adult, and you have made a decision, period.
Then write it out. Make it as simple and straightforward as you can. Filling it up with a lot of excuses, and detailed explanations most likely won’t help them “hear” what it is you are saying. People who have toxic traits and tendencies will only hear what they want, and excessive explanations will only feed into that unfortunately. So you have a clear plan of action, you know how they will most likely respond, but this is a safety plan for the holidays for YOU! You can really do this, I have all the faith in the world in you, I believe in you!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and please also share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58, my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri. Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma. This is episode 41, and I’m going to take a little bit of time for a reflective moment or two with this one!
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
All right let’s dive in!
So reflections…..I turn 60 on Monday November 13th, and this has felt pretty “big” to me. Typically my birthdays haven’t been a big deal. I think turning 40 made me stop a bit. But the fact that I was turning 60 hit me about 5 months ago.
This past year has been absolutely amazing in so many ways. I mean in December of last year, I didn’t have an organization, a website, a podcast, nothing! I have learned so many new things this year, things I never thought I would be able to get this ol’ brain damaged lady to learn! But learn I did, step by step the way I always talk to you about!
The age thing for me has a few components, marked by some of the traumas in my life. For many years, my time was marked by certain things I needed to get past. For example, my little sister passed away suddenly at 6 years old. I was terrified (irrationally of course) that my children wouldn’t be “safe” until each of them reached 7 years old. Once they passed 6 safely, I was more reassured.
For me, getting through 52 was a moment. My mom died at 52, and even though she had major chronic and complex health issues, I was (irrationally again) afraid I wouldn’t make it past 52! I did of course!
I did an interview earlier this year with Carrie Bower on her series Visible Women which looks at women and aging, how they feel about it and what concerns them regarding it. I hadn’t thought much about it until then. But as I looked at my life and what I’d gone through, some pretty significant things came up.
First of all there was the childhood trauma piece. I have this video posted to my website and it’s Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris who is the Founder of the Center for Youth Wellness and is the current Surgeon General of California. Her Ted Talk entitled “How Childhood Trauma Affects Health Across A Lifetime” was eye opening for me. She talks about the Adverse Childhood Experiences Questionnaire or ACES and what that means. Out of 10 questions, every yes gets a point. 4 or more is considered high, my score is an 8. What struck me the most was the fact that those with a high ACES score could potentially have their life expectancy cut by 20 years! That was a bit sobering.
Then there are the effects I have due to my burst brain aneurysm and Traumatic Brain Injury. This brings up for me the possibility of Dementia, Alzheimer’s, and Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy or CTE. According to the Alzheimer’s Association, research has indicated that those with moderate to severe Traumatic Brain Injury have in increased risk of cognitive decline or dementia. The key studies showing an increased risk found that older adults with a history of moderate TBI had a 2.3 times greater risk of developing Alzheimer's than seniors with no history of head injury. Those with a history of severe TBI had a 4.5 times greater risk. Another sobering thought.
CTE is a progressive and fatal brain disease associated with repeated Traumatic Brain Injuries. The only way to diagnose it is to examine the brain after death. There currently is no diagnostic test available to find it in the living. This is another concern for me.
I worry more about what my children will have to deal with. After all, if I’m not aware what’s happening, I won’t know. But my children will. What will they have to deal with? What will they do with me? I laugh and tell my son who lives close to me here in Phoenix that he “gets” me when I’m older, but what kind of a burden will that be for him?
On the flip side of this coin is the fact that in spite of all I’ve been through, I’ve survived, I’m still here. Every day that I wake up, I practice my gratitude routine. I am extraordinarily grateful for every moment. When I’m struggling ( as we all do) I bring my thoughts around to that fact. I take my moments as gracefully as I can, and think about all I’ve done, and all I’ve learned. I am so very fortunate to be able to do what I’m doing, helping others, and learning how to spread my wings at 60! It really goes to show that it doesn’t matter how old you are as long as you never stop learning, growing, expanding your horizons. Don’t ever stop being open to new ideas and what life has to offer you.
I am also grateful to all of YOU! Those who listen to my show, follow me, support me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be where I am this moment without you!
Thanks for allowing me this time today and for listening and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and again share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, and Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58, my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com, and my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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In this episode, I talk with Sammie Bennett who is an author, writer, and creator and lives in Winter Garden, Florida with her two kids and husband. She loves chai lattes, PBS Masterpiece shows, and walks with her wild dog. She is also a survivor of childhood trauma and hopes her stories and poems speak to other survivors. Link to Sammie's beautiful book on Amazon!
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This episode begins a new chapter for me! October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and each weekly episode this month will be in both video and audio format. I felt that because the subject matter is so important and sensitive, I wanted it to feel like we were having a conversation with each other. So please hop on over to my YouTube channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma and watch the episodes, and please let me know what you think! Positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. Your comments will only help me to get better!
Disclaimer/Trigger Warning: I will be discussing some of my specific experiences with domestic violence or intimate partner violence and it can be triggering, so please listen or watch carefully and safely. I’m not telling you all of this to be purposefully triggering but I want those of you out there listening to understand just how twisted the branches of abuse can be. This also might reach people who don’t understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship. They don’t understand how a person can get into one, and they don’t understand why “you just don’t leave!” It is so complicated; it isn’t just a matter of “stay or go.”
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Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 34 and we’re going to talk about being either extroverted or introverted as survivors of trauma.
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
All right, let’s dive in!
This week, I thought I would bring up a topic actually suggested by my son! It’s an interesting aspect of human nature in general. What makes some people outgoing, driven, always upbeat and ready for the next thing? What makes other people shy, fearful, preferring their own company over the company of others? These differences happen naturally as people develop their own personalities, have their own experiences of themselves, others, and the world around them. But for those of us that have experienced trauma, it throws a whole new perspective into that mix!
We know that experiencing trauma at any age, but especially as children changes the way our brains wire themselves. When we have lots of things happen to us that affect us negatively and we are always on high alert for danger, our brains, bodies, and nervous systems react accordingly. We don’t have a sense of ourselves, who we really are as individuals. We may not have had the opportunity to develop likes, hobbies, or friendships. We may have missed out on having that loving, compassionate parent or caregiver sit with us when we are sad, angry, afraid, or confused. When we lack that kind of comfort and guidance, we don’t know what to do with how we feel. We don’t know how to sort out our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. We also aren’t taught how to create our own personal boundaries. We have no idea where we begin and end, and where others begin and end. So we grow up having to figure it out all on our own. Sometimes, this works out, but often it doesn’t.
We don’t know who to trust, we don’t know who we can count on to be there for us. We don’t know who is safe, and who isn’t. So many of the people who were supposed to love us, guide us, and keep us safe, didn’t. This builds up in us as a lack of self-confidence, we don’t trust in our own judgement, we don’t trust that we are going to make the “right” decisions or choices. So if we don’t trust ourselves, how can we trust anyone else?
This can lead to several different types of behaviors. For some, becoming the overachiever, the perfectionist, the workaholic, that “Type A” personality, always on, always going, always driven. For some, the caregiver becomes how we function, we take care of everyone else, except for ourselves. For others, we can become too trusting, with no personal boundaries. We overshare our stories and ourselves, even with complete strangers. We want so badly to be validated, heard, and understood, we tell everyone we meet our entire life story, it just comes pouring out!
For others, shutting down, staying isolated, being afraid of anything or anyone new, becomes how we operate. We stay stuck, unable to figure out why, why we can’t move forward, why we’re so damn scared of everything!
I feel like I have been on both ends of the spectrum, and many points in between! Because I had no idea who I was, I measured my own self-worth, my own value against how much I did for others, and how they responded. I have been that driven, “Type A” personality, at one point having 3 full time jobs (I still have no idea how I did that!)! It was like I was saying “See? See how hard I work?” Give me validation, give me compliments, give me something, ANYTHING!! Over the years, I adapted, changed myself to suit those around me. When it didn’t work, when things went wrong, who did I blame? ME of course! I wasn’t what others needed or wanted. Why wasn’t I good enough for “THEM?” Then I’ve been on the other side of the spectrum where I was completely frozen, paralyzed by fear. Afraid of people, situations, change, challenges, anything, and everything! If I had only just known how to be “myself” whoever that was, what might that have changed for me? It took me so long to figure just the basics of what made me..ME! I had to first let go of seeking outside validation from others as a way to measure my worth. That was really hard to let go of it was a lifetime of habit. I had to really think about what my core values and strengths were. Who was I? What did I believe in? What did I value in others? What kinds of behaviors did I like in other people? Did I have those qualities in myself? What did I like to do? What didn’t I like to do? What was really my favorite color. Was I kind? Was I trustworthy? Was I honest? ? I mean it got down to those basic things, things lots of people just intrinsically know about themselves, but I had to work it out. That’s how lost I was. I had to start building myself from the ground up. I took those core things I decided about myself and built up from there, and I’m still building! Do I have 100% complete faith and trust in myself, and my abilities? No, I don’t, but I’m getting there. I had to be my own comforter, guide, safe space, best friend, all of it.
When you think about it, it really isn’t a huge puzzle. We don’t know what we don’t know!! We operate with what we learned through our experiences. If you never had anyone to show you how to “be” in the world, and you had to just figure it out, you have done the best you could with the knowledge that you had! You have choices now; you can be whoever you want to be. Whether you are an introvert, or an extrovert depends on so much! There is also no “right” way to be. If you prefer to keep your circle small, and enjoy your own company best, that’s perfectly ok! If you really like people, and want more connection, great! You have to do what feels right for YOU, not do what others tell you or “think” you should do! They aren’t you they haven’t walked in your shoes. Others may mean well when they say things like “You should get out more” or on the flip side “Do you ever stay home?” but only you can decide what’s right for you. I am an introvert operating in an extroverted world! I am involved in meetings, trainings, speaking engagements, and lots of other things, but it takes so much energy. I like my alone time. I am lucky that for the time being I work from home, and I like it that way! I can work at my own pace, concentrate better, and get so much more done on my own. My personal circle of people (friends, aquaintences) is really small, and I’m okay with that too! You have to live your life according to your needs and wants!
If you want to change your approach, change it, but start small. If you need to slow things down, slow down (If you’re that driven type of person). If you’d like to get back out there in the world a bit, try joining a group either online or in person to start. You can find local groups that meet either way by searching on the web. Seek out supportive and like-minded folks, just remember your boundaries; set them and hold them firmly!
So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.
We are going to do a very short exercise today, something easy. A brief writing exercise to help you identify and set a goal for yourself in finding out whether or not you’d like to be a bit more introverted, or extroverted. If you’d like to try this with me, please get a notebook, a piece of paper, even a sticky note and a pen or pencil. You could even type it out in a word doc if you like. Whatever way you participate is fine, as long as it works for you, that’s what matters.
I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. Remind yourself that you are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.
Let’s start with our mindful belly breathing to get more centered. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.
· 1. First, I’d like you to think about who you are, as we’ve just talked about. Who is in your own personal “circle” of people ( friends, acquaintances, etc.). Write them down.
· 2. What are the qualities you like about the size of your “circle?” Is it comfortable? Is it easy or Is it busy and exciting? Write down what you like about your current circle of people in your life.
· 3. Next, write out what you don’t like about this circle of people. Is there anything that bothers you about it? Or is everything alright the way it is.
· 4. If you have identified anything that is bothering to you, or if you’d like to make a change, what might that be? What change would you like to make?
· 5. Finally, what is one thing you could do to make this change that you’d like to see? Something small, and easy to start with? When could you begin to make that change? Set a date and start it.
I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please like, subscribe, and share widely if you like what you see and hear!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and again share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri! I just wanted to hop on and just let you know that I’m taking a week off of podcast production. I have lots of exciting interviews coming up for guests on the show, I know you’ll like! So I’ll pick back up again with my next episode on September 24th.
I also wanted to thank you so much to all of you, for listening! Your support and sharing the show, videos, and my website has made such a difference! I’ve had people reach out to me from all walks of life, looking for services and support. I couldn’t do this without you!
For any new listeners, welcome! I hope you find the content helpful and can connect something from my experiences to some of your own.
I am so proud of you, for how you keep showing up every day, how you keep taking those tiny baby steps forward towards leaning, growth and healing. It can truly suck, and be really hard, but it’s necessary to go through it, to get to the other side. We have to show up for our own rescue, we have to save ourselves, it’s the only way.
I hope you have a week filled with peace, joy, good health, and lots of positive moments!
Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 33 and we’re going to talk about finding our “anchor points” and why this is so important for us as survivors of trauma.
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
All right, let’s dive in!
This week, I wanted to talk about being rooted in the present, in the moment, and how to develop a kind of “self-rescue” plan for those times when we feel lost, adrift, in the darkness of our own thoughts. This episode is especially dedicated to those who feel like they are at the breaking point.
As survivors of trauma, we have been through many awful, horrible things, things that should never have happened to us, things we didn’t ask for or want. Things no one should ever have to go through. These events have completely changed us in almost every way. It colors not only how we see ourselves, but the world around us. We try so very hard to control what happens in our lives as a result. When our traumas happened to us, we had no control. But often, the more we try to control things, the more out of control we feel. One reason is that we are trying to control things that are not within our power TO control. We can only control what WE do, say, and how we react, or respond, not other people, places, events. We try anyway and it can end up being this vicious cycle and as we get more and more desperate to hang on and control things, we spiral completely out of control with our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It’s kind of like trying to keep a hold of a tornado. Or, if you are like me, you can shut down completely becoming numb, frozen, unable to move, think, or react.
I have shut down to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed. I was so numb and desperate; I began to self-harm. I wanted to see if I could feel anything, anything at all. This also followed along with my lifelong pattern of taking things out on myself. I was punishing myself. This feels scary, but here we go with full honesty! A few years ago, it got so bad that I knew if I didn’t do something, a more drastic event would happen I might try to end my life. So, I reached out to my mental health team (They have worked with me for years and are a wonderful support system) and before I knew it, I was inpatient in a behavioral health facility. I was there for 11 days, and it was quite an experience. It wasn’t a fancy private hospital; it was a state-run facility. Did it help? In a way it did. I didn’t learn anything new, all of the classes and groups that you had to attend talked about trauma and mental health: Things I already knew. But it gave me a unique perspective on myself. Many of the people were young, had been there many times before, knew the system. Some had smuggled in drugs or could get them from sources they had on the outside, so there were lots of dealing and exchanges. There were those that had extreme outbursts and couldn’t control themselves. It was often pretty scary but at the same time, I saw myself in a lot of them. I began to think of my situation in a different way. I already had the tools and the knowledge to pull myself up out of the darkness, I just had to use them. I knew feeling like this was not what I wanted. I wanted to live, I wanted to feel, be a part of my own life again.
I began to really think about what I had, the people and things that I had in my life that needed me. My partner, my children, my family, my pets, my work. These became my “anchor points” my reasons for being in the world. My trauma history had not allowed me to develop a sense of myself, all on my own. I was always someone’s child, someone’s girlfriend, someone’s wife, mother, employee. So, If I needed to begin by knowing that if something happened to me it would affect those closest to me negatively, that was okay. It was a way to anchor myself to the world, to being. I slowly began crawling up out of that pit, learning more and more about just how deeply all of my traumatic experiences had impacted me, why I felt, behaved, and reacted the ways that I did. My therapist helped so much, but I also began researching and reading on my own. When I began deep-diving into Trauma-Informed Care, that completely changed everything for me. I began to understand myself in a completely new way. It was not my fault; I was not to blame. My constantly overactive and hypervigilant nervous system, brain, and body were reacting in a completely biologically correct way given my trauma and past learning history, environment, even genetics! Throw in the impacts I have due to my brain injury and the burst brain aneurysm I suffered, it’s no wonder I felt the way I did! I began to let go of the idea that everything was my fault, that I was irreparably broken. I began to forgive myself, give myself grace, compassion, all of the things I so desperately needed from myself. I was on the path to getting better, slowly, but I was walking the walk!
Those anchor points I identified for myself were the first steppingstones, the first foundational pieces in beginning my healing journey. They grounded me, they kept me here while I figured out the rest. When we are so deeply into our darkness, we lose sight of just how much we mean to others. We often don’t really understand just how much our presence, our being, brings to the world. We are important, we have an impact, we matter! Just a note about me: Am I completely better, healed, and whole? No, I’m not, and I admit that completely! I still have days where I struggle, but now I know how to recognize what is happening and take the steps I need to in order to care more gently for myself on those days. If I can, I start with sensory basics, soft clothes, soothing smells, things I can see, touch, smell, or hold to ground me. I allow myself to rest and I nourish my body with good simple food and lots of water.
I want you to think about what your anchor points are in your own life. In spite of how alone and isolated you feel, something, someone needs you here. We ALL need you! A person, a pet, a plant, a cause, it doesn’t matter who or what it might be. I truly believe we are all here for a reason, we just have to find it. We matter as human beings, all by ourselves. Not the way we think we have to measure up to others’ expectations: and most certainly not by comparing ourselves to anyone else! We all know those people who seem to have been through so much, and just seem to rise effortlessly above it all, and have it all together. Take my word for it, NO ONE has it all together! Everyone fights battles no one else can see, believe me! Think about this for a moment: who do you want to tell your story? YOU want to be the storyteller, the narrator of your own life and experiences. Someday it’ll be you that others look to for guidance, for help in how to heal. How cool would THAT be?? You will get there, just do the work, start small, one baby step forward at a time. Believe me, if I can do it, so can you, I promise! We’ll get there together!
So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.
We are going to build a grounding sensory toolkit together. A sensory toolkit is a small box or bag where you keep a few items that you can use to help you ground when you have difficult days. This has been so helpful for me! You can put into your toolkit whatever you want. You may want to have a big one to keep at home, and another that is portable that you can take with you out into the world.
Let’s start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.
Optimizing your toolkit:
You may find one or two senses to be more helpful than others. Most people already have developed sensory grounding resources without realizing that is what they were doing - for example, using soothing music. Think about some of the things that have helped you already and build on them. See if you can find strategies that help with ‘overactivated’ trigger states (anger, panic, anxiety) as well ones that help with ‘under activated” trigger states (numbness, depression, dissociation) (Boone et al, 2011).
A list of possible items to place in your toolkit:
Sight:
Images or photos of a few people, places or pets that evoke positive feelings or memories
Images or art with soothing colors
Notes with meaningful quotes or affirmations
A snow globe or glitter jar (instructions for making your own here!)
Flameless color changing candles
Sound:
Earbuds or noise cancelling headphones
A calming playlist, with music, meditations, stories, nature sounds, or ASMR.
A tiny music box.
Any small instrument such as chimes, a xylophone or a kalimba
Touch:
Soft, squeezable
Stuffed animals (Lots of people love Squishmallows !)
Body pillow
Weighted blanket
Craft feathers or pom-poms
Manipulatable:
A beaded necklace or bracelet
Fidget toys
Putty or plasticine (think Silly Putty, Play-Doh, modeling clay!)
Pipe cleaners
Temperature changing:
Hand warmers
Heating pad
Cooling lotion or salve with peppermint or menthol
Gel eye mask (kept it in the fridge)
Instant cold packs
Scent
Essential Oils
Calming and soothing scents: Lavender, vanilla, sandalwood, neroli.
Energizing scents: Citrus, eucalyptus, peppermint
Scented lotion
Bubble bath, bath bombs
Scratch-and-sniff stickers
Taste
Gum
Mints
Tea bags
Sour candies/lollipops, Flavored fizzy water
Other:
I love oriental designed items so in my toolkit I have an oriental fan that I can “flip” open and fan my face. I like the sound, and the movement. They are inexpensive, on Amazon they start at $6.00 on up.
Try an activity like building blocks! This is a sensory/motor exercise that can be soothing. Have a small set to include in your toolkit if it sounds like something you’d like.
A bubble wand! Blowing bubbles is a great sensory tool that also supports you to slow your breath. Try making lots of little bubbles or one big one. Watch them float and try to catch or pop a few in the air.
Use your imagination and include anything that appeals to you, maybe even sounds fun!
Using your Sensory Toolkit
You might like to simply have your toolkit handy and grab a few items that are calling to you in the moment.
Or you can use a variation of the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise: (script below)
Using non-judgmental awareness, orient each sense to items in your toolbox. You may want to name each item either out loud or in your head, and maybe note one descriptive attribute. For example, you might say “blue picture. Soft blanket. Minty lotion.” and so on.
Name 5 things that you can see.
Name 4 things you can touch.
Name 3 things you can hear.
Name 2 things you can smell
Name 1 thing you can taste
You can go as slow as you like, and try repeating it a few times, using different items.
I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please like, subscribe, and share widely if you like what you see and hear!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and again share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever is on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Kerri Walker, Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, on Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 32 and we’re going to talk about practicing gratitude, and how it can make significant changes in our lives!
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
Alright, let’s dive in!
I wanted to share with you the experience of practicing gratitude. It has really begun to change my life in so many ways. There is science behind the benefits of it, and there is a way to practice it so that it “sticks” in our traumatized brains!
The word gratitude comes from the Latin word gratia which, depending on how it’s used, means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness. Gratitude involves all of these things. Gratitude is being thankful and having an appreciation for what an individual has, receives, or experiences. We acknowledge the “goodness” in our lives. We can acknowledge and be grateful for ourselves too, what we’ve overcome, accomplished, and survived! This in turn can open us up to connecting outside of ourselves: connecting us to things bigger than ourselves, be it other people, nature, the environment, or even a “higher power.”
Positive psychology shows that practicing gratitude has a strong and consistent effect on being happier. Expressing gratitude helps us feel more positive emotions, we can remember and be grateful for our experiences. This can help us be healthier, get through challenges in a better way, and help build stronger relationships.
While for many, you can get a rush of joy or happiness after something really good happens, gratitude is acknowledging and being grateful for the small things, things that we often overlook. Things like the sun on our face, drinking a glass of water, a chat with a friend, the feel of your softest comfiest clothes on your skin, the smell of rain. Ther are so many small things that have an impact on us every day that we can be grateful for.
Now, I’m not saying this is easy! It isn’t! When we are stuck in that negative “doom loop” of thoughts that trauma constantly reinforces, it’s a hard habit to begin to break. Actually, even without trauma, everyone’s brain is initially primed this way! The human brain gives more “weight” to negative things. We tend to pay more attention to negative things, learn more from negative outcomes, and make decisions based on negative information and experiences rather than positive ones! The “bad things” that grab our attention and stick to our memories. Crazy, right? It can affect our motivation: We tend to think about what we might lose or have to give up in pursuing a goal, rather than what we will gain. Interestingly, research has shown that negative news is more likely to be seen as “truthful.” It garners more attention so it can “feel” more accurate. All of this is referred to as “negativity bias.” Researchers believe that this is likely due to evolution. Earlier in human history, paying attention to things that were negative, bad, and dangerous was literally a matter of life and death! Those people that paid attention to the negative things were less likely to take risks and therefore have a better chance at survival. This also means that these genes could be passed on to future generations! So, our brain is trying to do its job and keep us safe.
Research also suggests that this negativity bias starts when we are very small. While infants respond positively to their caretaker's facial expressions, tone of voice, etc., this changes at about a year old. Babies at this age begin to experience greater brain responses to negative things. So, negativity can be seen as genetic or hereditary and add traumas on top of that, it’s no wonder why we tend to see everything through a “glass half empty” viewpoint rather than the “glass half full!” So, for example you are so dreading going to work on Monday, that you don’t get to appreciate your weekend. Or you might be having a good day and one negative comment from another person “ruins” your whole day and you spend your time focused on that negative comment. As trauma survivors, many of us have that “all or nothing” thinking. So, it’s either all good or all bad, there is nothing in between. One small thing can derail us and keep us stuck. So how do we even begin to create gratitude practices when we are up against so much?
As always, we start small, one step at a time. When I first started my practice, every day mentally I would say inwardly “I’m grateful for my family, friends, and my pets.” There! I had practiced gratitude! Over time, I wondered why it didn’t help, why wasn’t it working? In researching a bit more, I found that there were ways to practice gratitude in a deeper way, to help connect it to my “soul” to make it stick! Gratitude is like a muscle that you can build, make stronger. We have to find ways to “flip the script” and change our automatic negative responses. Even negative things can have a positive element to them, we just have to look for it.
Say a friend cancels a planned outing you had with them at the last minute that you were really looking forward to. Your brain might jump to “they don’t really like me, or like spending time with me, they always do this” etc. Instead, you might acknowledge your disappointment but instead say to yourself “they must have needed to take some time for themselves, and I’m glad they feel that they are safe to do this with me.” “I’ll be there for them when they need me.” “We can always reschedule.” Say you get a flat tire. Instead of thinking of all of the negatives associated with it, you could be grateful that you have a job to help pay for the repairs or be grateful that you have friends or family that will come to help you or drive you home. If rain spoils your planned picnic, remember that there will always be sunny and fair days to do it again. Be glad for the life-giving rain. Have your picnic indoors instead!
When we focus on the positive rather than the negative, we get a release of “feel good” chemicals in our brains called serotonin and dopamine. These are associated with greater happiness and pleasure. Thinking this way also reduces our stress hormones which can lead to less anxiety and boost your mood! As this positive “domino effect” continues, it can reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic, etc. So, we might sleep better, focus a bit more, create self-esteem, and be more patient not only with others, but with ourselves. We find “glimmers” or threads of things throughout our daily lives we can be grateful for. It isn’t a magic wand, it won’t fix everything, but it is a positive first step in creating better things in our healing journey. So, we begin by being mindful, practicing being present in the now. Go back through your “mindfulness toolbox” and practice anything we’ve learned together or find something YOU have found that works for you in order to be more present. Then create a gratitude practice plan. My plan is that I practice my gratitude routine in the morning every day, while I’m having my coffee in bed. It sets the tone for my entire day! It does take some time, effort, and intention. Remember we are trying to change those well-worn pathways into new healthier ones. We learn, we acknowledge, we re-direct our thoughts, and we create change we need!
So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.
This is a writing exercise. We are going to create a gratitude plan. If you’d like to try this with me, please get a notebook, a piece of paper, even a sticky note and a pen or pencil. You could even type it out in a word doc if you like. Whatever way you participate is fine, as long as it works for you, that’s what matters.
I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. Remind yourself that you are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.
We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.
First, decide when you will practice your gratitude plan. It can be anytime you choose but consider starting out your mornings this way. It really can start your day off in a wonderful way.
Think of what “tools” you will need for your practice. Writing is really important and empowering. Get a notebook, or even if you’d like, a dedicated special journal to write in daily. Get a writing implement you like; I like to use gel pens. Whatever you use doesn’t have to be expensive or “flashy” it has to feel right for you. If you’d like to use an app, there are lots out there. However you do it, it needs to speak to you and your heart.
Place your notebook, or journal, and pen or pencil where it is easy to get to. I have mine right on my nightstand so I can get it and start writing in the morning when I am ready. If you are doing this on your computer, use whatever format is comfortable for you whether it’s word, acrobat, or any other tool.
Start out by identifying three things you are grateful for. Remember, this is going to reflect what YOU appreciate, no matter how small It might seem. If things don’t come to you right away, sit with it for a bit, and surrender to the moment. It will come. Whatever it is that you appreciate, write those out. You may have days where you write out what you are grateful for, and you won’t “feel” it but do it anyway. When that gratitude does come up, feel it in every fiber of your being. You could put your hand on your heart, feel that life, that feeling of thankfulness.
Bring gratitude mindfully into your day. Take time to stop a moment, breathe and think “I am grateful.” Take that moment to connect with gratitude, the fact that you ARE grateful and are working towards good and positive changes in your life, knowing that it will spill over into all parts of your life.
Below are lots of journaling prompts you can use daily. After identifying what we are grateful for, we can go deeper into what these things bring to us, what they mean to us, and how they make us feel. We can begin to be creative with our answers and descriptions. We can flex and strengthen that gratitude muscle.
Journal Prompts
The more we practice, the more we open up our minds and hearts to what we DO have rather than what we don’t. Even in the darkest of times, we can find something to “anchor” us, something we can be grateful for. I remember in my most desperate times, I can look back now and be grateful for my body, that it kept me alive, and going in spite of everything. I am grateful that even in those most awful moments, when I wanted to give up, that small quiet voice within me refused to quit. I still have to challenge my thinking every day, re-direct my thoughts. But it’s really working, slowly, one step at a time. If I can get better, so can you! We are doing this together, and we’ll get there I promise, just don’t stop. Even if all you write is “I am grateful, I am writing in my gratitude journal” 3 times, that’s okay.
I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I’ve put each exercise portion of my podcast episode to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and again share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 31 and we’re going to talk about why it’s never too late and what hope is and what role it plays in our lives.
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
Alright, let’s dive in!
I really wanted to talk about why it’s never too late, for ANYTHING! When we are really struggling in any area of our lives, we can feel hopeless, helpless, stuck. We can get trapped in our own thoughts, they can cycle through the same things over and over again. Lather, rinse, repeat! I used to have 4 things that bounced around in my head constantly relating back to my traumas: Fear, anger, rejection, failure. With these thoughts cycling in the background of my brain all of the time, it was natural that I acted or REACTED accordingly. My environment also reflected these things. I ended up in jobs that fostered an environment of secrecy, punishment, power control, mind games, they were totally toxic. My relationships were all over the place too. I felt like I was frantically dogpaddling as fast as I could just to keep my head above water, but I was still drowning. I just didn’t see it. That chaos in our minds can spill over into every area of our lives. I pivoted so many times trying to make things better for myself, but I was doing so within these chaotic environment. I tried to remake, redo, reinvent myself so that I would be a better employee, friend, whatever the situation. I was trying to make everyone else happy, everyone except myself! I was miserable and couldn’t understand what was wrong with ME? No matter how hard I tried, it just wasn’t working.
What I learned over my life was that it is never too late to change, to reinvent yourself, to start over. However, the key is that you have to do it for YOURSELF, not anyone else! That’s where the psychology of hope comes into play. Hope is a powerful thing. Hope is the reason we hang on to the “why.” The why is meaning, our purpose, our reason for existing. Just going through our days, especially tough ones, we are hopeful that tomorrow will be better. It can be, you can make it that way!
With all of our traumatic experiences, life has taught us many difficult lessons. We get to the point where we don’t expect any better, we don’t feel better no matter what we seem to do. We are tired of trying, of starting over. Hope is that little voice inside of us that keeps us putting one foot in front of the other. We keep going in spite of it all. When we want to quit, somehow we keep moving. It’s pretty amazing actually that we do go on, some people don’t. Some people do stop living, stop going on.
I believe that each one of us was put on this earth for a reason. Every one of us has a purpose, something we were born to do. It’s hard finding out what that is with so much chaos, and awfulness inside of our minds, however. Sometimes we really do have to hit rock bottom before we are forced to make a change. I have been at rock bottom so many times in my life. I think the most pivotal moment of rock bottom was being homeless and hungry, with no place to go. That feeling of having no way out, no way forward is absolutely gut wrenching. That time in my life set me on the path to where I am now. It has been a very long road, with lots of missteps, bad choices, more trauma, but I learned. I was so low, that I decided to take a chance on a completely new path starting with my taking a job at a small rural domestic violence shelter in Ohio where I’m from. I needed a job, any job, I applied for it and got it. This was the beginning of me finding my passion, my drive in helping others. That little voice of hope kept me going, kept me trying. That rock bottom also a year later catapulted me into a cross county move with my son Ryan and his friend Kevin. The boys wanted to go to a specific school in Phoenix. My son casually mentioned that I should come too! I was stopped completely for a moment, I froze, as I thought about it. I’m almost 50, could I do it could I make that drastic of a change? Then, on the heels of that thought was “why not?” What have I got to lose? It was like a lightening bolt hit me! So, we got rid of literally almost everything we owned. We saved up between us a decent amount of money, not a lot, but we thought it would at least get us there! We left in December, a week before Christmas. We had 2 cars, in my small car were my 2 large dogs and in the trunk some clothes and some family keepsakes. In the boy’s car they had some personal stuff along with a motorcycle in the trunk. That was it! It was 3 full days of driving; it was quite a trip! We made it to Phoenix, and I remember all of us standing outside of our hotel room just staring at a palm tree! We were amazed and felt like we’d arrived on a completely different planet. The very next day, we found a house to rent, and we moved in immediately! We spent the next 5 days with no electricity or water and the utility offices were closed because of the holiday. We celebrated Christmas by standing around a small candle Kevin had put on the seat of his motorcycle still stunned that we were actually there, we made it! We’re still here over 10 years later! We have all become fairly successful, but not without a lot of bumps along the way. Am I exactly where I want to be in life right now? Nope! Do I see more growth and change on the horizon? Yes!! At almost 60, I still have things I want to do, new things to get accomplished!
My message to you is that you don’t have to wait to hit rock bottom to make a change! Is it scary? Hell yes! Is the outcome uncertain? Absolutely! Is it worth it? Yes! I don’t suggest you do things the way we did, I think we got incredibly lucky. Or maybe it was designed perfectly, who knows? The biggest factor is having a desire to do things differently, to do things in a new way. We know that things aren’t working the way we want them to in our lives. We aren’t well, or happy, or fulfilled in what we are doing. We might daydream about what we really want, see ourselves in a dream life, an amazing career, living in a different place, doing amazing things! Who says that can’t be a reality for us? Who says that we can’t have all of those things? WE DO! We tell ourselves it’s ridiculous, it isn’t possible, stop hoping for the impossible. Listen closely to this because it’s really important: The only limits we have on our lives are the limits we set for ourselves in our minds! It’s true!
While trauma has affected us deeply, and terribly, in order to survive, we throw up barriers and walls. Those barriers we throw up as protection, as safeguards against hurt, pain, and disappointment we have created ourselves in our minds! Trauma has taught us to be scared, to feel powerless, to not take chances. We’ve been hurt and disappointed so often in our lives, we have mentally built a steel cage around ourselves. It’s padlocked tight, we’ve stayed in it and thrown away the key! It keeps everything that could possibly hurt us out, it’s true. But it also keeps us locked inside, trapped. We limit ourselves to what is immediately around us in that cage. We lock ourselves in with all of our pain and hurt because that’s what we know! We shut ourselves away from new possibilities, new opportunities, new experiences. We miss out on so much in life. Without that key, without the will to get ourselves out of that cage, we are trapped in a prison of our own creation. So, we might potentially be safe, but at what cost?
We need to really take a good honest and open look at ourselves and where we are. What are the limiting beliefs we have created around ourselves that are keeping us stuck? When we dream about what we really want, what do we see? Where are we and what are we doing? Is there one thing that keeps coming up to the front of your mind over and over again, something you really want? Your inner voice of hope is calling to you. You need to listen more closely to it, because it’s telling you it’s time to do things differently. It’s time to retrieve that key and step out of that cage you’ve built into something new, something you want, something that speaks to who you really are as a person. Not what others tell you to do or how to be. This is you and only you. You have the key; you just have to use it! Does it have to be a drastic life altering all at once change? No, it doesn’t! You can start small, like we always talk about, with those baby steps forward. Just the idea of change is scary for us, but we can plan a bit in order to make it less overwhelming and make it feel more real, more doable. It’s uncomfortable and steeping out of our comfort zone feels terrifying, I get it! I’m still scared so much too, but the more I learn, the more I try things, the more confidence I have in myself and what I can do. If we try something, and it doesn’t work, it’s a learning experience nothing more. It’s not a failure or that you lack any abilities, it just wasn’t the right thing for you, and that’s okay. We have to re-learn how to be curious, like when we were children. We are born curious about everything that’s the way a child learns. I am constantly wondering about things, so I am often looking things up, researching, and learning, and I love it! We can stop and say to ourselves “I’m curious about______” “I wonder about ______?” “What would happen if I tried ____?” “If I try something and it doesn’t work out, what’s the worst that could happen?” All of these questions can lead to a new understanding of what we want, what we’d like to learn about. We have choices, we really do. While we didn’t choose what happened to us, we can choose to move forward now. We can chose new ways to learn, grow, and heal. We’ll get there together, I promise! I’m learning right along with you!
So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.
This is a writing exercise. We are going to try and identify one small thing we can do to create change. If you’d like to try this with me, please get a notebook, a piece of paper, even a sticky note and a pen or pencil. You could even type it out in a word doc if you like. Whatever way you participate is fine, as long as it works for you, that’s what matters.
I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. Remind yourself that you are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.
We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.
We are going to explore ways to build hope in ourselves. We are going to be curious and ask ourselves some things that can help move us forward.
1. We talked about daydreaming, and how you see yourself in your “dream life.” When you see yourself in that best spot, that perfect space, what is it you are doing? If you had a magic wand and could magically transport yourself there, what is that perfect thing, place, or state of being you see for yourself? Write that out, what is it that you ultimately want for yourself?
2. Then, what would it take for you to get there? How would you get from “point A” to “point B?” The “how” of it isn’t important, rather, focus on the feelings. As you take steps towards this goal, how would that make you feel? Write out all of the feelings you can identify.
3. Next, think about a time from your past where you did something, and you were successful at it. Ask yourself these questions and write out your answers:
a. What did I accomplish?
b. Did I do my best?
c. What could I have done differently?
d. What did I learn?
e. How can I use this lesson as a way to grow?
4. Think about and create a “what-if” plan. We can plan for things like obstacles, and we can also plan for success. Both can be scary, but having steps in place to prepare can help us. Ask yourself:
a. What happens if this doesn’t work out the way I had envisioned it? What then?
b. What happens if this works out as close to or exactly as I had envisioned it? What then?
5. When you feel self-defeating, limiting, or negative self-talk come up (Your inner critic), how can you “flip the script” in your mind? For example, when you think of all of the things that could go wrong with your plan to create change, ask yourself instead, what could go right? What is one statement you could create for yourself, to replace a negative thought with a more positive one? Write that out, keep it handy so whenever that negative thought pops up, you have your plan your statement ready to challenge it!
As with all new things this takes work and practice, no magic wand unfortunately! But you can do this, you’ve got this! We will support each other every step of the way, cheering each other on!
I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and again share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 30 and we’re going to talk about what mindfulness really is, and why it’s so important!
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
Alright, let’s dive in!
Mindfulness is a term we hear everywhere. Mindfulness meditation, being “mindful,” practice mindfulness. Just what does being mindful mean anyway? What does that look like and feel like?
For a bit of background, mindfulness originated from ancient eastern, Buddhist, and Hinduist philosophy as far back as 2500 years ago! The term comes from the Buddhist concept of “Sati” which relates to the “moment to moment awareness of present events.” However, the more modern translation of “Sati” came in 1881 when Thomas Williams Rhys Davids, a Briton in Sri-Lanka, identified that mindfulness was the closest translation to the meaning of the concept of “Sati.” Although practiced widely in the East, it didn’t really become a “thing” here in the West until the 1970’s. Mindfulness first appeared in the United States because of Jon Kabat-Zinn, a professor of medication emeritus and creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center of Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Kabat-Zinn first learned about the philosophical tenets of Buddhism while studying at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. In 1979, Kabat-Zinn opened the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. There, he adapted Buddhist teachings and created a program called “Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction,” or MBSR. This program put MBSR into a scientific framework and diluted the connection between Buddhism and mindfulness. But it still wasn’t until 1990 that his publication of “Full Catastrophe Living” brought global attention to his work. Since then, awareness and practice of mindfulness continued to grow. That’s your history lesson for today!
Also, practicing mindfulness does not mean meditation! That’s one way to practice it, but by no means the only way! If you mediate and love it, that’s wonderful! For many of us with trauma histories, meditation can be extremely difficult. Trying to sit quietly with our thoughts in our head is typically something we avoid like the plague! We are already in our own heads enough, we sure as hell don’t want to go there on purpose!
For me, learning about mindfulness began in learning about Trauma-Informed Care. I talk about that principle in different ways in almost every podcast. It’s “What happened to you” as opposed to “what’s wrong with you?” It’s the whole brain-body connection in experiencing trauma, our environment, our past learning histories, genetics, everything that has shaped us into the being we are right now. We’ve learned that in experiencing trauma, it affects how our brain wires itself, how our nervous system is always “on” scanning for danger, even when there is no present danger. That constant flood of chemicals throughout our brains and bodies, getting us ready for “Fight, flight, or freeze” prepares us for danger. Even though we aren’t in danger in the moment, our brain tells us we are. That’s one reason why so many of us have different mental health issues including anxiety and panic! We always wonder why our anxiety and panic levels can just suddenly come up out of nowhere, often without reason! I’m home, sitting, relaxing, watching TV, suddenly a panic attack hits! Our brain is doing what it’s supposed to, trying to keep us safe, we just have to find ways to shut off that constant threat mode, and remind it that it’s okay, we aren’t in danger right now thank you very much!
Mindfulness is firstly awareness. It’s being aware: Aware of your surroundings, awareness of that moment, awareness of your breath, sounds, physical, mental, and emotional sensations. As survivors of trauma, our brains are almost always either in the past, or in the future. We can be flooded with memories of things, people, places, events, in which we were hurt. Sometimes they are just fragments of things, things we aren’t even really conscious of, but they’re there. Then we can be constantly worried about what’s going to happen next! Next could be the next minute, hour, day, week, month year, the rest of our lives, we worry about it all. So, we are either ahead or behind, but not really “here” in the now, in this moment. Our thoughts swirl around in our brains and that keeps us distracted, unfocused, not able to really to think clearly. We often try to distract ourselves by mindlessly scrolling through social media, YouTube, or online games. It’s avoidance, we are avoiding dealing with it all! I do it too and I think of gathering my thoughts like trying to “herd cats” very difficult….but not impossible! In my very earliest episodes, when describing what trauma does to our brains and bodies, especially when we experience them in childhood, but it can happen at any age, our brain reverts to survival mode only. It shuts down everything but our basic survival functions. So, our heart beats faster, our breath comes quicker, our blood pressure goes up, our muscles tense up, we are ready to respond to danger. Our brain shuts down the “thinking” part of the brain called the pre-frontal cortex that’s responsible for things like language, memory, impulse control, learning, logic, and reasoning. So, you really can only react to things, you can’t think things through, can’t question, can’t be logical. Mindfulness can begin by being aware that this is what is happening to us. Then we can plan to take some next steps in order to “flip the script” and become more aware of ourselves in the process.
To begin with, it’s okay to slow down or stop. It’s okay to pause, to take a break, to be still. It’s actually more than okay it’s very necessary! We can’t go full tilt boogie physically and/or mentally all of the time, at some point, the machinery will break down, then we are often sick, physically, or otherwise. We have to begin to realize that we are living beings that need care. We are physical beings, living organisms that need more than just the basics to get by. We need more than just air, water, and food. Our brains and bodies are designed to do, learn, adapt, grow, and thrive: we can do amazing things! We are not here to just “get by” or just “get through” our days. We need to feed ourselves with new things, new challenges, new opportunities to learn, and grow. We also thrive on connection to others; we really aren’t meant to
spend our days alone. However, our traumatic experiences have altered how we see not only ourselves, but how we see the world around us. We’ve been in survival mode so long; we don’t know any other way. Anything we DON’T know or anything new is scary, we’ve learned to be afraid of anything challenging because we don’t believe in our abilities to be able deal with things. So, we don’t try, don’t take a chance. Our world becomes smaller and smaller and that just feeds into our feelings that something is “wrong” with us, why aren’t we like other people? Why do we struggle so much? Why can’t we just “be happy?” on and on it goes…
Nothing changes overnight, boy I wish it did! We can’t change long-term, well-worn, habitual patterns overnight. Mindfulness begins with awareness, awareness of this moment. In this moment, if there is no real danger present, we are safe. We can practice breathing techniques, grounding exercises, and other mindful activities. For example, anything we do can be a mindfulness activity. Eating can be mindful. Many of us eat on the go, bolting down our food quickly, eating on “autopilot.” We often don’t make good food choices and can stress eat. That is totally me! I have bolted down my food for years. As a kid I didn’t want to have any part of my toxic family dinnertime! As I worked my first jobs, I was a waitress, shoving food in during a short break. Those habits kept on throughout my life. And stress eating? Hell yes! Food has always been my first line of comfort. So, to change this, think about planning a meal that’s good and nourishing for your mind and body. Prepare this meal with some excitement, thinking about how good this is for you. Plan to sit for this special meal you’ve created away from distractions. Turn off the TV, put away your phone. When you sit down for this special meal, you might think about appreciating this food and all of the things that made it possible. As you are eating, eat slowly, chew thoroughly. Think about how your food tastes to you, think about all of the healthy nutrients as warm light spreading throughout your brain and body, nourishing every part of your being. You can elevate the experience of food to a whole new positive level! Another simple mindful activity is washing your hands. When you wash your hands, as you rub the soap over them, through your fingers,, feel the temperature of the water, how does it feel? Feel the connection of your hands rubbing together, connect to that feeling. Do this for about a minute to really bring that awareness to your mind. Literally anything we do can be made into mindfulness moments. When we shift awareness from those autopilot behaviors into this moment, into the “now” we create new neural pathways in our brains. We can see so many things more clearly, we can learn how to regulate or calm ourselves in so many ways. We can take these moments and be grateful that we are building new habits, new ways to see ourselves. It really makes such a difference in our healing process; I’d say it’s the first and most important step we can take for ourselves!
As with everything else, it takes effort, practice, and intention. It’s a new goal we can set for ourselves, but we have to actually DO it, build it into our daily lives. I know that when we are struggling, everything feels like it takes too much energy, we just don’t have it. I feel that way so much! But we already know that the way things are going right now in our lives, aren’t working for us. We are looking to make changes or are at least thinking about it. So why not give something small, something doable, something simple a try? We have to start somewhere, sometime, someway, with something! So why not here, now, today, with one small thing you can try to being to practice mindfulness? It’s not going to hurt anything, it doesn’t have to cost anything, and it’s not that you have to change your entire life now, just
something small, simple, and relatively easy to do. We take those baby steps forward, one tiny step at a time to create a new habit. After you practice it over time, it becomes a normal part of your routine. Then you can add in something else, so on and so on. It’s a pain in the butt to begin with but it is so worth it!
So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.
This is a writing exercise. We are going to try and identify one small thing we can do and do it mindfully. If you’d like to try this with me, please get a notebook, a piece of paper, even a sticky note and a pen or pencil. You could even type it out in a word doc if you like. Whatever way you participate is fine, as long as it works for you, that’s what matters.
I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. Remind yourself that you are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.
We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.
Think about the different areas of your life. You could break these out in the following types for example:
Physical, mental, emotional, environmental, social, financial, spiritual, personal growth, education, career, relationships, creative life, community, there can be many kinds. It depends on you and what you think is important.
1. Write down what you feel the different areas in your life are. If you only want to write down one or two, that’s perfectly okay.
2. Next, look at the different areas that you’ve written down. As you read through them, think about the importance of each one as it relates to YOU and your life, and what’s important to you, not what you think others would WANT you to choose as important. Write down your top two or three areas. If you only wrote one down, and that feels the most important right now, that’s your list.
3. As you look at this shorter list, look at what you wrote out as your most important area, the one that matters to you most right now. What part does this area play in your life? Write that out, any ideas, thoughts, feelings, you have about what this area in your life involves.
4. Thinking a bit more about this, and what you’ve written, does this area of your life impact or involve another person? If so, write out who it is, and how they are impacted by this area of your life?
5. Next, what is one thing you would like to see change in this area of your life? What would you like to have happen differently?
6. If this change to this area of your life were to happen, what effect would it have on you personally? Would you be less stressed, less anxious, more settled? Would it even bring you a bit of happiness, some joy, more connection? Would you feel more positive, a bit healthier, like you had a bit of control over your life and its direction?
7. Next, what is one small thing you can do, that is within your control to do, to take some action in beginning to bring this change from your paper to reality? Something that isn’t overwhelming, a small first step.
8. Finally, how will you bring this small step into your daily life? What time of day will you do this? How will you hold yourself accountable for making sure you’ve done this daily? For example, you can set reminders in your calendar on your phone or computer, use a task list with reminders, or even choose a friend or family member to be your “accountability buddy.” Remember, this should not feel like a punishment, just be a way to have some checks and balances in place to ensure that you are successful. It helps us to have a framework that’s supportive while we are building new habits.
Whatever you choose to work on, small consistent efforts daily bring about long term and lasting change. You’ll have some days where it works, and others that it doesn’t and that’s okay. If you have an off day, just pick up the next day and get right back to it. Doing it consistently is the key, that’s how we learn, grow, and get healthier. If you need to change your approach, or times of day, or anything you need to in order to make it easier, do it, just don’t quit. Keep doing it. When we stop, we go back to being frozen, stuck, unable to move. We have to take action in order to make things better for ourselves, unfortunately, no one can do it for us. We have to actively participate in our OWN rescue. We’ll get there together, I promise!
I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 29 and we’re going to talk about avoidant behaviors and why we use them as a result of trauma.
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
Alright, let’s dive in!
To start off, everyone avoids things from time to time. No one likes to deal with negative things, events, people, difficulties, or consequences. Notice that I said from time to time! However, when we experience trauma and all of the pain that comes with it in all of its many different forms (physical, emotional, mental, financial, environmental, social, relational), it’s a tangle of awfulness! These are all things that we don’t want to feel or process. This is especially true if we have had many traumatic things happen to us. It’s overwhelming pain that we are exposed to over and over again. Who wants to feel that? So over time, we shove down and bury that pain. We hide it deep within ourselves, so we don’t have to deal with it. Avoidance is an emergency coping response we develop. When we feel helpless and vulnerable, avoidance gives us a sense of control. We also bury our trauma so we can “move on” and keep functioning. Along with this we may either consciously or unconsciously begin to avoid people, places, events, situations, and things that we associate with those traumas. For example, if you are bitten by a dog as a child, you may develop a fear of dogs. You then do everything you can to avoid being around or even seeing dogs. You could develop a hatred for dogs, even avoiding going to a friend’s house because they have a dog. It makes sense, you have a traumatic event, develop a fear, then do everything that is within your power to make sure you are never bitten again.
Often, however, what begins to happen is that we use avoidance as a coping skill. We avoid anything that might be scary, new, challenging, or unfamiliar. We put things off, we procrastinate. We are so used to burying things that aren’t comfortable for us, that we apply it to everything. One thing that many of us as trauma survivors have is “all or nothing” thinking. It’s either one way or the other, there is no middle ground. So, in using avoidant behavior, instead of avoiding just the situations that caused us trauma, we avoid everything! Our avoidant behaviors can cause us to feel disconnected not only from ourselves and our surroundings but reality as well. We may not even feel physical pain. This can lead to self-harming behaviors like “cutting.” In an effort to have some control, we might develop eating disorders. We also might develop OCD like behaviors, we can become overthinkers and over planners. We might use substances as a further way to avoid “feeling.” We also do anything and everything we can to “distract” ourselves and shift our focus. Do you ever grab your phone and start mindlessly scrolling? Or binge-watching shows or YouTube videos? Me too! We also avoid conflict in a big way! Anything that deals with disagreeing with another, standing up for ourselves, or being assertive feels “wrong” and scary, so we just don’t do it. If there is a possibility someone might get “mad” at us, or find fault with us, nope, we’re not going there! We then might begin avoiding anything that is distressful or that causes fear. Our world can become small, we might not feel safe in the world. So, we have very few relationships, we isolate. We miss out on so much of life, yet we wonder why we can’t just be “happy!”
I have always been the “queen” of avoidance! It has been my go-to coping skill throughout my life. Throughout all of the layers upon layers of traumatic events I experienced, I stuffed down my trauma, and thought I was fine, I thought I didn’t have any issues. I kept myself so busy, trying to be “perfect” at everything, as a wife, mother, an employee, I never realized I was trying to “outrun” my trauma! I didn’t have time to think about, feel, or deal with it. Over time, I began to shut down even more, shut off my feelings, and emotions. As I got older and my children grew up and moved out, my world became smaller and smaller. I became frozen, trapped, stuck in an awful cycle of avoidance. It impacted every aspect of my life, my physical and mental health, my relationships, my work, my environment. I felt completely helpless, guilty, ashamed of myself. It’s that self-destructive spiral that just goes on and on..
Avoidant behaviors can snowball and get worse over time. It can impact our ability to work, our finances, almost every aspect of our lives. We are trying so hard to control our lives to keep ourselves from pain, from being hurt again, that it becomes this huge wall, a barrier to the outside, to life. We create this illusion of safety for ourselves. Only the “known” is safe, everything else is a threat! But as we continue to avoid things that really need our attention, like our finances for example, this can lead to serious issues. If we spend money we don’t really have we can end up being overdrawn in our bank account. If we don’t pay our bills, they might compound fees and penalties, so we end up owing even more money. It’s a vicious cycle: Avoid, negative consequences, avoid, more negative consequences, on and on. These kinds of things also reinforce in a negative way how we “see” ourselves, how we feel about ourselves. We don’t feel capable, smart, self-confident, sure of ourselves. The deeper and deeper we get into our avoidant behaviors, the worse we feel. Each negative consequence makes us feel helpless, out of control, and brings us a feeling of “failure.”
At the core of all of it is fear, we are scared to death of being hurt again. We have been through so much; we don’t ever want to feel those things again. We are also terrified of making mistakes, of failure. We are so afraid of being afraid that we don’t even try. We feel stuck, frozen, unable to move. We feel helpless, powerless, out of control. Under all of that are the behaviors we developed in order to cope with our trauma. They were survival behaviors that served a purpose at that time, in those moments. But now they are holding us back, keeping us from everything that life has to offer us.
We need to remember that in this moment, we are safe. What is facing us now is NOT what we were facing in the past, back then. Our feelings and thoughts are just that, they are reactions that our mind has developed around things that have happened to us. The facts are that we did go through some awful, terrible, painful, life altering and traumatic things. We were hurt in so many ways. We found ways to survive it, get through it all, right up to this moment. Survivors of any trauma are a testament to the absolute strength and resiliency of the human spirit. When you even look at trauma through the lens of history through current events, human beings are capable of amazing things! We are beings who want to live, to succeed, to thrive. We want connection, community, a tribe of like-minded and supportive people. When we are born, we are a clean slate. We have no preconceived ideas, no biases, no prejudices, no guilt, no shame, no judgements. We are primed to learn, to grow, to be curious, full of infinite possibilities! The limits that come to us are created by so many things, but we can learn to remove those limits, tear down those walls that we’ve built. We can open ourselves to our own limitless expanse, re-prime that natural need to connect, to try, to thrive, not just survive!
Is it easy? Absolutely not. It takes work, patience, and lots of self-compassion and self-care. We know things aren’t working they way they are now in our lives, and we want to make a change. It takes stepping out of our comfort zone, taking a step towards the unknown, the unfamiliar. It’s uncomfortable as hell, and we’ll automatically throw up those old well-worn survival patterns of avoidance. But in learning about our avoidant behaviors, why we do it and what it really means, can help us to create a new plan, a new strategy. We can change the unhealthy into healthy, negative into a positive, limited to limitless, impossible to possible. We start small, one step at a time. You can’t change things overnight, it takes time. But we’ll get there, I promise, we’ll work together, I’m with you every step of the way!
So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.
This is a writing exercise. Before we begin, if you’d like to try this with me, please get a piece of paper, a notebook, even a sticky note and a pencil or pen. If you are like me, you could even type it out in a word document. Whatever way you participate is fine, as long as it works for you, that’s what matters.
I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. You are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.
We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.
1. I would like you to think about what might be weighing you down. What is it that is weighing on you the heaviest right now? When your mind goes to what is stressful for you, what is it that comes up first for you over and over? Write whatever that is down. It can be a word, a thought, anything.
2. Next, I invite you to think about this heavy thing, and write down what it is about this thing that is causing you stress? What effect is this “thing” having on you?
3. Next, think about what you have done or are currently doing to deal with this heavy thing. Identify what things you have done. If what you have been doing to deal with it is to avoid it, or put it off, then write that out.
4. Next, looking at what you have done or are currently doing to deal with this heavy thing, can you write out your thoughts as to whether these seem like healthy ways to deal with it, or do they seem unhealthy to you? Why do they seem healthy or unhealthy to you?
5. Next, looking at this heavy thing and your ideas around it, what are things that you can identify about it as being within your control? Remember, we only have control over ourselves, our actions, reactions, and responses we have no control over others.
6. Next write out what is not in your control in dealing with this heavy thing.
7. Next, go back to what you wrote out as to what is within your control with this situation. What is one small first step you can take, one action you can complete in order to deal with this?
8. After you take this first step you’ve identified in order to deal with this heavy thing, what is something good you can do for yourself as a reward? Something just for you, something healthy you could do? It could be something small, something positive, perhaps starting a step in a new healthier routine that is supportive for your health and wellbeing.
Something I’ve started for myself that has been immensely helpful is beginning my morning with a gratitude routine. I use an app, but you don’t have to. You can start by just thinking about or writing down 3 things you are grateful for in the morning. Keep a notebook or journal next to your bed, make it easy to do. Sometimes just those small changes can pave the way for bigger change. The app I use is called “Gratitude: Self-Care Journal” by Hapjoy Technologies. It gives you different prompts daily, has an affirmation section, daily Zen, and you can even create your own vision board with photos! It isn’t free, but there are a ton of highly rated free apps you can use. You could also use your own basic phone tools like google or Iphone tasks and reminders to create your own unique prompts. Be creative and put together something that speaks to you! You can even create your own college in your photos as a type of vision board! For example, you could put photos together for your “dream vacation” or “dream career!” Put together a college of family, friends, or pets! Another idea is a collage of sayings or quotes that speak to you!
I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 28 and we’re going to talk about what self-sabotage is and why we do it as trauma survivors.
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
Alright, let’s dive in!
Did you ever have a time in your life where things are going well, great even. You are doing well, feeling positive about how things are going. This could be in any area of your life, even your job. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, you begin to procrastinate, putting things off. You might start things but never finish them. At work, you may miss deadlines, or you might start coming in late. You may forget important things, tasks, meetings, projects, or presentations. This is eventually noticed by your boss, and can lead to negative consequences, even the loss of your job. In personal relationships, this might lead to estrangement or even the loss of those relationships. You might start conflict with others, or even self-medicate with substances.
Self- sabotage is the conscious or unconscious process of destroying or the undermining of things in our lives. It’s like throwing up “roadblocks” or creating things or situations that stop us or hold us back from succeeding. Most of the time, it happens without our thinking about it, it’s unconscious. We want to be successful, happy, and productive so why do things keep happening to stop us? Why do these negative things keep blocking us from being successful? It is actually a way we protect ourselves in life. When we’ve been through trauma, our brain is always on high alert. Everything feels like danger, a threat.
Self-sabotaging behaviors appear for many different reasons. As survivors of trauma, we hold a LOT of fear. We are afraid of stepping out of our comfort zone. We are afraid we’ll let others down, we are afraid of the unknown. We lack trust, we don’t trust others to support us. That lack of trust goes for how we feel about ourselves too. We don’t have trust in ourselves, in our capabilities. We lack self-esteem and self-confidence. We fear success! What happens if we succeed? Then we’ll really have to step up to the plate, be more visible, do more, be responsible for more! What if we can’t do it? Others may find out we’re a “fake” that we’re not up to the challenges. What if we fail? Fear of failure is the ultimate “fear” we have! If we fail, others will see that we aren’t really the person we’ve said we are.
Imposter syndrome is that feeling we have that we’re a fake or a fraud. Even though we’ve had successes in our lives in many areas and have shown that we are capable of extraordinary things, we don’t really deep down in our souls believe it. We feel that we put on this false self to others, we are high functioning, we can do anything. We can be perfectionists, we agonize, overanalyze, and are critical of every little thing we do. We can be filled with anxiety over every move we make. Every mistake, no matter how small, is a catastrophic event, it feels like the end of the world. We also take any form of re-direction or criticism very personally. We may feel like we’re being personally “attacked” rather than using it as an opportunity for growth and learning. We feel that we have to work the hardest, be the most dedicated employee, friend, partner. The harder we work, the more we do, the more others will “see” us, see our value and worth. We are looking to others for validation and confirmation rather than feeling it and looking to ourselves for that worth, that value.
With trauma, especially in childhood, we are not taught that we have worth, value, and purpose just as a being that exists in the world. We learn not to trust others, and we don’t trust ourselves, our thoughts, and how we view the world around us. We don’t trust our “gut instincts” we don’t see ourselves as having a direction or a purpose. Hell, we don’t even oftentimes know what we LIKE! What are your hobbies? I have no clue! We weren’t taught self-confidence, to love and care for ourselves. We grew up in survival mode, just trying to make it from one thing to the next. So now as adults trying to function as best we can in a world we don’t really know how to deal with, is it any wonder we throw up those “roadblocks” and self-sabotage? We are so scared of the unknown, what comes next. We are so scared we’ll fail; we won’t be good enough. These thoughts and feelings just reinforce what we feel about ourselves. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. We set ourselves up for failure. We don’t believe in ourselves, eventually we throw up those roadblocks, things fall apart, and negative consequences appear. See, we aren’t good enough, smart, enough, worthy enough. We don’t deserve success, happiness, healthy relationships, a rewarding career, whatever it might be.
This has happened to me so many times over my life, I’ve lost count. I could never understand my behavior. I worked extremely hard to be the “best” at everything I did. Especially at work, I pushed myself harder than anyone else. I felt like I “talked” a good game, I was great at self-promotion, I was up for any extra project, and task, I never said no. So, I would end up completely overloaded and overwhelmed. I would start things but not finish them or if I did, it was at the last minute. They were done hastily. Eventually, my boss would say something about my performance, and I would literally go into “freeze” mode! I shut down immediately and my survival brain kicked in, ready for that “end of the world” feeling., that ultimate feeling that I was a failure, a loser, an imposter. Now everyone would know I wasn’t who I pretended to be, who I said I was. I’ve lost jobs, opportunities, and relationships in my life because of these self-fueling behaviors.
It has taken me a lot of really hard work to get past all of those deep seeded feelings and behaviors. And some of those feelings still come up. It’s really hard to change those well-worn survival “auto-pilot” behaviors in our brains. But now I take a step or two back, think things through. I give myself a moment to assess the situation and look at it in the “now” as opposed to linking it to something that happened in the past. I try not to react emotionally or impulsively to things that might be said or pointed out in regard to my performance. I think of it now as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than something negative. Working on self-confidence and self-esteem is an ongoing process! Tackling new things has always been challenging for me, new and unfamiliar has always been scary. But I take things one small step at a time, realizing that I do have the capabilities and capacity to learn and even to be creative! I now understand what my strengths, core values, and beliefs are. This not only applies to myself, but in how I see and interpret the world around me. When my trauma brain tries to take the driver’s seat, I have to push it off to the side, and take control myself in the here and now.
In learning how to stop self-sabotaging or torpedoing things, we have to learn to recognize what we are doing. We have to take a look at things from a wider viewpoint. I call it the “30,000-foot view.” We get so caught up in the tiniest of things, we aren’t able to pick up our heads and see things for what they really are. Think of situations where you’ve put things off or waited until the last minute to do them. What is it about these situations that made you avoid them? There is a reason why, what is it? If it’s fear what specifically are you afraid of, what do you think will happen? We also have to remind ourselves that when things come up, we have to stay present, in that moment. This is not your past, this is not your trauma, this is something happening now. If we can identify our reactions, think about them, and reframe them, we can slowly begin to practice responding and reacting differently. If we are taking on too many things, it’s perfectly acceptable and okay to say NO! I know saying that little word feels scary, but it’s necessary. If we have too much going on to handle, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We can only juggle so many things at once! You can say no, and you can delegate things to others instead of doing everything by yourself!
We create new habits and patterns slowly, with practice. It starts with learning, knowledge, and the understanding of why we react and behave in the ways that we do. Our trauma histories have taught us things about ourselves that aren’t true. Once we have identified these things, we can arm ourselves with the real truth, with the facts that we are capable, worthy, strong, brave, smart, and that we have the tools we need in order to handle whatever comes our way. Look at what we’ve gone through, we’ve survived, we’re still here! Reminding ourselves of what we’ve accomplished, and how far we’ve really come is so important in healing. We can take that understanding and build on that through positive reinforcement, focusing on our successes rather than what we feel are failures. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE makes mistakes, no matter how successful, smart, competent, or capable they are. Everyone screws up, has fears, has doubts. We are human, we all have times where we don’t feel we measure up. We are perfectly “imperfect.” The difference is in how we respond to those times. Do we punish ourselves and those around us, or do we take it as a learning opportunity and use it to build on our strengths?
So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.
This is a writing exercise. We are going to identify some areas in our lives where we might have thrown up some of those “roadblocks” we talked about earlier. Then we’ll look at how we can reframe those thoughts and feelings. If you would like to take part, I would invite you to get a piece of paper, a notebook, or even a sticky note and a pen or pencil.
I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. You are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.
We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.
Let’s start by thinking about a time, place, situation, or event, in which you put off or avoided doing something. It might feel a bit scary to name it, but remember, you are safe in this moment, this is something that can’t really “hurt” you. It is a thing that took place, that is all.
1. Write down this time, place, situation, or event.
2. Next, write down how this made you feel. What feelings, emotions, responses, or reactions did you have? Be honest in your assessment and write down what you really felt, responded, or reacted.
3. If you avoided or put off handling the situation, why did you avoid or put it off? What was the reason?
4. Were there any negative consequences that came up as a result of avoiding or putting this off? If so, what happened? How did that make you feel?
5. If the root cause is fear, what is that specific fear? What is it that is scary for me about this? What is the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen? If this worst thing happens, can I handle it? Write all of this out, get that fear on paper.
6. What did your inner voice tell you about how you felt or responded?
7. In our minds when something happens, we all think to ourselves “I wish I had done _________ instead of __________.” What if you had done it this way? Was that a real option open to you?
8. When your old habits of putting things off or avoidance come up the next time, what is the first step you can take to challenge those behaviors? (You could stop, pause, think things through, ask questions, ask for help, delegate).
9. The next time your inner voice tells you negative things about yourself, how could you challenge those thoughts? You could think about all of the things you’ve done well, and accomplished, because you have, you have had successes, done things well!
10. The next time you feel afraid of something, what is one thing you can do to face it? What is one positive step you can take to deal with it?
Take a few slow deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, as many as you’d like. That was a lot, if you did the exercise or are planning to do it, I hope it was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 27 and we’re going to talk about absolutely letting go of those feelings of shame, blame and self-guilt we feel.
I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!
So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.
Also, I’m going to add a trigger warning here, I’m going to talk briefly about one of my experiences with death, so if this is an especially sensitive subject for you, stop the episode, do some breathing or any of the exercises we’ve learned together, or something you like to use, and come back when your ready.
Alright let’s dive in!
So previously we’ve talked about acceptance and letting go. For those of us with trauma histories, letting go of anything is really hard. We hang on to our well-worn survival patterns of thinking. For those of us who remember listening to vinyl records, I think of a record with a “skip” or scratch on it. Once the record player needle got to the scratch it would catch, bounce back, and keep playing over the skip or scratch until you went and lifted the needle past that part, to continue listening. Our brain with all of its complex systems of neural pathways is like that too. Over our lives in either experiencing, surviving, or witnessing trauma, our brains developed those deep survival mode pathways. Those kept us safe at the time we needed them but now our brains go to those pathways warning us of danger when no danger actually exists anymore. We are still always on high alert scanning for danger. We have to learn how to move the needle past those skips, those grooves, and reset the needle to a new groove!
This is especially true around our thoughts of shame, guilt, and self-blame. We survivors are riddled with it. We feel guilty for everything! For instance, how often do you say sorry, or apologize for things throughout your day? My friend and I catch ourselves saying sorry for every little thing! So, we stop ourselves, laughingly say “apology not accepted” and redirect our wording. When you think about it, the only time you should ever say your sorry is if you’ve really done something wrong, done something that has impacted another being or situation negatively. Then you can acknowledge the mistake, and sincerely apologize for it. You learn from it and then move on.
However, we drag feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame along with us through life. We feel sorry for everything, guilty for things we SHOULD have done, things we SHOULD have done differently. Blaming ourselves for so much, why did we let ourselves get into situations, why didn’t we DO something, why didn’t we react differently, why did we behave a certain way? Those woulda, shoulda, coulda’s will kill your soul! I had a therapist one time point out that “should” equals guilt. That always stuck with me!
We have that underlying feeling after experiencing traumas that we believe we could have done something differently at that time. Something to stop or change the outcome. We can replay events over and over in our minds often imagining the outcome we WISHED would have happened, as opposed to what really DID happen. I did that for most of my life, my thoughts circling around in a “doom loop” over and over. It felt impossible to stop and drove me crazy. I felt guilt over so much that happened to me. Guilt over my sister Erin and her death, guilt over my mom’s illnesses and her death, guilt over how I behaved as a child and a teenager, guilt over my rapes, guilt over how I became involved in an abusive relationship (Along with returning to it 4 times), guilt over how I was as a wife and mother, a daughter, a friend, an employee. Guilt over my mental health struggles, guilt over being hospitalized because of it, guilt over not being ENOUGH! Then comes the self-blame. I blamed myself for everything, everything I did or DIDN’T do, everything I wanted to be but WASN’T! I blamed myself for not being whatever I felt other people viewed as “normal!” I felt like I was one big giant mistake in life. I questioned everything I said, or did, my reactions, my responses. I often acted, said, or did things, before I thought them through and sometimes that made things worse! All of these feelings just made my life even more difficult. I already struggled (and still do!) so the layers and layers of guilt, shame, and self-blame just reinforced what I believed about myself. That I wasn’t smart enough, capable enough, not good enough for anything or anyone. I had built up this idea in my mind of who I should be and what I should be able to do, and I never “measured up” to this ideal “Kerri!” I failed, made mistakes and missteps, and with every one I said internally “see, there ya go, you can’t do it, you’re a failure.”
How was I ever going to get better with all of this stuff going on? I wasn’t, that was the problem! It wasn’t until I really began learning about trauma and Trauma-Informed Care that I began to really see and understand just how much I had been impacted and affected by what had happened to me. I began to slowly and truly understand that I was not to blame for things that were out of my control! What?? You mean I couldn’t control every little aspect of my life? This one thing set me on the path towards change.
When we experience, survive, or witness traumatic things, these are events that happen to us or to someone we love and care about. Especially when we have childhood trauma, we are at the mercy of our caregivers, our environments, our surroundings. We don’t get to have a say in who our parents or caregivers are, or where we live, or what our circumstances are. We are “cared” for or are taken care of by others. So, we got swept up in whatever that looked like for us. When I was a kid, I used to pray that it would turn out that I was adopted, that my parents weren’t really my parents! I wasn’t to blame for how they behaved, how they acted. They were the adults, I was the child, I had no control over things. I was never taught how to handle my feelings, emotions, or how to adapt to things. When I was terrified, I didn’t have a healthy adult to help me process things. So, I developed my own survival mode, my own ways to try and cope with the chaos and trauma, as all of us do when faced with similar situations. They most likely aren’t good, healthy ways to cope either!
Quick Trigger Warning, I’m going to talk about death here. When my sister died, she was 6 and I was 13, I had so much guilt over it. The night she got “sick” I held her in my arms as my parents drunkenly argued for 2 hours as to whether she needed to go to the hospital or not. She was in the early stages of dying, not knowing or seeing me, not responding, just reactively and weakly vomiting. I had never driven a car before, but I was trying desperately to figure out how I could get the car keys, get my sister in the car by myself, and figure out how to drive her to the hospital. I was going over in my mind watching my parents drive, which gear was what, gas and brake pedal, how to steer. As I was going to make my move, my parents finally decided she should go. I was relieved, at last they had made an adult decision. She lingered for 4 days in the hospital before she was taken off of life support. The last time I saw her, my parents didn’t tell me it would be the “last time.” I felt in my heart that somehow, someone would fix it, and that she would be okay. There was no discussion around what was really going on, or that my parents had to make the God-awful decision to take her off of life support. When they came home after that and said she was gone, I was stunned, numb, I didn’t get it. I felt like it had to be a mistake, she couldn’t be gone. Then the guilt hit: If I had only gotten up the courage to get her to the hospital sooner, she wouldn’t have died, it was MY fault. But it wasn’t my fault, or anyone else’s. There was nothing anyone could have done to prevent, change, or stop what had happened to her. Getting her to the hospital sooner wouldn’t have made any difference. So, I learned to move that guilt off of my plate.
As I grew to a teen, all of that anger, hurt, pain, and betrayal developed into self-harming behaviors. I hurt myself in every way I could. I shut down everything but my rage! What I was really deep down trying to do was to get my parents’ attention. I have likened it to setting myself on fire in front of them multiple times over begging them to put me out! They never did. So, my behavior became more and more outrageous, but all I was doing was hurting myself. The guilt I had over the rapes I endured, being so drunk and out of it that they happened. It never occurred to me before that those who were the perpetrators were the ones to blame, not me. No one ever has the right to hurt or take advantage of someone who is altered in any way. I had to realize that I didn’t have the tools I needed in order to handle things in other ways or to behave differently. I was reactive, and angry, I didn’t know any better. So that guilt and shame began to dissipate, and blame was assigned to the proper individuals.
As I grew, got married and had my children, my first priority was to NOT be the kind of parent that my parents were! I would be the best wife and mother ever! Well, that didn’t work out exactly as planned either. My intentions were good, but again, I was never taught what TO do, as opposed to what NOT to do. Again, I came to the realization that at the time, I didn’t know any better, and was still on that “crazy train” loop of self-dysfunction, I didn’t know how to get off of it.
What it all boils down to is that we all did the best we could at the time, whatever we went through, we survived in the best way we could with what we knew THEN. It might not have been good, healthy, or sane, but we survived it, we made it through in spite of everything! We lived when it might not look like we would, we survived all of the awful things that happened in spite of it all. We weren’t given the tools that we needed in order to do things differently, in order to behave or react differently at those times. That’s not on us, that’s on whoever cared for us. So now what?
One of my favorite quotes is something Maya Angelou said to Oprah Winfrey years ago. Oprah was telling her something she had done that she was ashamed of. Maya said to her, “You did then what you knew how to do and when you knew better, you did better." This has been quoted and misquoted over the years even by Oprah herself, but the power behind this phrase is the same, no matter the version. We did whatever we needed to or HAD to do at the time in order to survive. The basic tenant of Trauma-Informed Care is looking at what happened to you as opposed to what’s wrong with you! Whatever it was that we went through, survived, or saw affected us deeply, and awfully. It changed us, took us off track in life, put us on paths we would never have really chosen if we had known better. But as we are learning, we can now know better, we can think of things and do things differently now. We can make different choices, those that support us rather than hold us back. We can challenge our old ways of thinking about what we’ve experienced, and about ourselves. When that guilt, shame and self-blame comes rushing up to the surface in our minds, we can stop it, reframe it, and release it. We are now armed with the understanding that we did the best we could at the time! We have that knowledge and can begin to understand ourselves. Once we learn something, we can’t unlearn it, but we can change it, start a new belief system about ourselves. One that is based on self-compassion, forgiveness, and kindness towards ourselves. Will it be an easy or effortless thing to do? No, it won’t. It takes self-awareness, and the practice of challenging your own thinking. It’s learning something new, but if you work at it, reframing your thinking when thoughts like “I can’t do this” or “I’m not good enough” come up, think about all of the strengths you used to get to where you are right now, right up to this minute. You have gone through some pretty awful stuff, but you made it! You CAN do whatever it is you can do, whatever you need to, whatever you WANT to! You are more than enough! You have choices now, there is power in that! When you remind yourself that you can choose to react, respond, or reply to anything or anyone in your own way, in your own time, that can be liberating! For example, I have learned to “practice the pause” before I respond to someone. My brain will still want to fire off a thought or create an immediate reaction or response. I know now it’s okay for me to say, “Let me think about that, I’ll get back to you.” Or to think about how I want to word or compose an email or a text. It’s okay to take your time. Take whatever you need, it’s okay and acceptable to do just that. We are so used to rushing and responding right away, slow it down, slow your thinking down. Even if it feels like it, the world won’t end if you don’t immediately react or respond to something or someone. Even if they are right in front of you, you can get back to them, it’s okay, I promise! It’s new, but newness can be exciting, instead of scary. New stories to hear instead of the same old’ same old!
So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.
We are going to look at focusing on being present in this moment. We’ll add in our breathing and some movement. These together will help stimulate our Vagus nerve in order to help us feel calmer, feel more release, and relaxed.
This can be done seated, lying down, or standing up. Whatever is most comfortable and supportive for you.
We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.
I invite you to start with an intention. Think about what experiences, thoughts, feelings you have, whatever you might be feeling right now either from the past or present, how are these things shaping what you are sensing right now?
I might ask that you think of inviting in what is true for you now, these feelings, emotions, events, past or present in through a door, welcome them in, all are necessary, all are welcome.
Continue letting your breath flow slowly in and out.
Next, I invite you to bring your palms together, rub your palms gently back and forth together creating a little bit of warmth. You could also give your breath a sound or a sigh. As you exhale you could let our an “ahhhhhh” Do this for as long as you wish.
When you are ready, next, sweep the palms of your hands across your face. You could start with your fingertips touching your forehead, palms gently resting on your cheeks. Bring your fingers gently over the line of your eyebrows to your temples. You could even gently with your fingertips massage your temples, circling your fingertips one way or the other. Then do a few more sweeping movements of your fingers rubbing over your forehead, following the line of your brows to your temples.
Next, bring your fingertips of both hands starting at the bridge of the nose sweep them gently up over your cheekbones, do this a few times. This should feel good to you.
Next you could allow your fingertips to greet your jaw, running your fingers from the jawbone area up to the space in from of your ears, back and forth. How much pressure you apply is up to you, again it should feel good as you massage this area back and forth.
Next, you could gently massage your scalp area, it’s okay to mess up your hair. Wherever it feels good to you, massage those areas with your fingertips using whatever pressure feels good.
Next you might rotate your shoulders either backward or forward, whatever feels good.
Next, you could gently run your fingers down both sides of your neck. Start with your fingers on each side of your neck and gently run them down, to the base of your neck, pick up your fingers and run them back down. You could also bring your chin down as you do this, feeling a little tightening or contraction in your neck as you pull your chin down, then lift it up, feeling the expansion and release of your muscles. Continue letting your breath flow slowly in and out.
When you are ready, bring your awareness back to your breath, breathe slowly in and out using our mindful belly breathing as many times as you wish.
Next take a moment, think about how you are feeling now. Do you feel a bit calmer, more peaceful, more grounded, and relaxed?
I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.
Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!
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