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Subscribe to my Substack, Notes to Self
I've recently launched on Substack, and today's episode is a read-out of a recent article I wrote there titled The One Thing You Should Never Do in Relationships.
If you enjoy this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could head on over to Substack and subscribe to my page there for more long-form articles about attachment, love and relationships: https://stephanierigg.substack.com/
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"How do I stop obsessively ruminating about the person who rejected me?" is one of the most frequently asked questions I receive — and in today's episode, we're talking all about why it's so easy to fall into the trap of fixating on someone who didn't choose you.
Whether it's the situationship that never became anything more, the person who ghosted you or left you without warning, or something in between, the experience of obsessing over someone is familiar to many of us. But as we'll talk about, it's often less about them, and more about what we make it mean about ourselves.
Links
Subscribe to my Substack: https://stephanierigg.substack.com/
Free break-up training: http://stephanierigg.com/hl-webinar-opt-in
Free training for anxious attachment: http://stephanierigg.com/haa-webinar-opt-in
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In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering a listener's question about feeling like she's fallen behind in life after going through a break-up in her mid-30s, particularly as most of her friends are partnered and having kids. I talk about the very real experience of the "biological clock" factor, and how to acknowledge the disappointments and unexpected turns while also embracing the season you're in.
Links
Subscribe to my Substack: https://stephanierigg.substack.com/
Free resources for anxious attachment: stephanierigg.com/free-resources
Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stephanie__rigg
Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmxC4jls4uolRKhFWV_RIoA/
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Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
How do our attachment patterns influence our relationship to — and experience of — sex and intimacy? That's what we're exploring in today's podcast deep dive.
We'll cover how each attachment style relates to sex, common sensitivities and pain points, and what the sexual relationship looks like over the life cycle of the relationship. We'll also touch on common sexual struggles in anxious-avoidant dynamics specifically.
Links
Free training on anxious attachmentFree resources for attachment healing -
Subscribe to my YouTube channel
Is it possible to become anxiously attached as a result of dating someone with avoidant patterns? That's the listener question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode. We'll talk about how our patterns can arise in response to someone else's, while also acknowledging fundamental differences in how people with secure vs. insecure attachment styles tend to respond to dysfunctional behaviour.
Links
Free training for anxious attachment Follow me on InstagramTake my attachment styles quiz -
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
Does your partner get defensive easily, even when you feel like you weren't being attacking or critical? If so, today's episode is for you. Being on the receiving end of someone's chronic defensiveness can be extremely frustrating and disheartening, and it can feel like a real block to connection.
But the way we typically respond — by making someone wrong for their defensiveness — can entrench the very pattern we're hoping to shift.
Links
Free workshop on anxious-avoidant relationship dynamicsUnderstanding Your Avoidant Partner courseSecure Together couples course -
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
How do you navigate a situation where your partner isn't respecting the boundaries that you've set? That's the listener question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode.
Boundaries can be fraught for those of us with insecure attachment patterns, and it's easy to swing between demands and capitulation — neither of which are particularly helpful. We'll talk about how to reorient to what is within your control rather than making repeated pleas of someone else to change their behaviour to accommodate you, which is a recipe for frustration and resentment.
Links
Free anxious attachment healing workshopFree resources for attachment healingTake my attachment quiz -
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
Today's episode is a follow-up from last week's deep dive into fearful avoidant attachment. This week, we're looking at the fearful avoidant in relationships — how these patterns play out, how that changes over the lifecycle of a relationship, and how it can differ based on the other person's attachment style.
Links
Understanding Your Avoidant Partner CourseFree resources for attachment healingTake my attachment style quiz -
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
In today's Ask Steph episode, we're talking about how to balance accepting your partner for who they are, while also encouraging them to grow. This is a delicate dance for many of us, and can reveal our own patterns of wanting to fix and save people. We'll talk about where the healthy middle lies between acceptance and change, and how you can create a relational environment that supports growth.
Links
Free resources for attachment healingTake my attachment styles quiz -
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
In today's episode, we're diving deep into the fearful avoidant (or disorganised) attachment style. We're talking about where it originates, and what some of the core belief systems are that drive fearful avoidant patterns.
Make sure you're following or subscribed to the show to catch Part 2 next week, where we explore how the fearful avoidant attachment style shows up in relationships.
Links
Check out my free attachment healing resourcesTake my attachment quiz -
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
What's the difference between reasonable, healthy privacy and unhealthy secret-keeping? That's the question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode. We're diving into the difference between privacy and secrecy, as well as on how this interfaces with the anxious need for information and the avoidant need for autonomy.
Resources
Free resources for anxious attachment
Take my attachment quiz
Follow me on Instagram
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Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
In today's episode, we're diving deep into perfectionism — and how it can sneak into our relationship dynamics in unhelpful ways. We'll talk about how perfectionism shows up for anxiously attached people, how that differs from folks with avoidant patterns, and what it looks like to release the grip of perfectionism and find greater compassion and acceptance — for ourselves, our partners, and our relationships.
Links
Free resources for anxious attachment
Follow me on Instagram
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How do you find self-compassion when everything is falling to pieces? That's the listener question I'm answering in today's Ask Steph episode. We'll talk about why self-compassion can be so hard to access when we're in a challenging season, the mistaken belief that self-compassion removes accountability, and how we can start to cultivate more kindness and self-validation when we need it most.
Resources
Free resources for healing anxious attachment
Subscribe to my YouTube channel
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In this episode, I’m sharing how I personally approach nervous system regulation in a way that feels simple, realistic, and actually sustainable, rather than overwhelming myself with endless tools and protocols. We talk about focusing on the foundations — like sleep, nourishment, movement, and creating a supportive home environment — while also being mindful of what we don’t do, like overscheduling or saying yes from pressure.
Subscribe to my YouTube channel
Free resources for anxious attachment
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Understanding Your Avoidant Partner: New Course
Many people find themselves trying to decode confusing or inconsistent behaviour, wondering whether it reflects avoidant attachment or a lack of interest — but in early dating, a lack of clarity is often the clearest signal in itself. The more meaningful question is why we stay engaged in dynamics that leave us feeling uncertain, rather than stepping back and asking whether this meets our needs.
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel
Explore my free resources
Follow me on Instagram
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In today’s episode, I’m walking you through how to navigate the first 30 days after a breakup in a way that is supportive, grounded, and deeply healing.
This initial period can feel overwhelming — full of grief, anxiety, confusion, and emotional swings. And while it’s natural to be in survival mode, there are small but powerful ways you can support yourself through this time rather than getting swept up in the chaos.
I share a practical roadmap for what to focus on (and what to avoid), so you can move through this chapter with more intention, self-respect, and care.
We cover:
Why the early days after a breakup can feel so destabilisingThe two common nervous system responses: anxiety and shutdownHow to create a supportive, calming environment for yourselfThe importance of maintaining basic self-care and routinesWhy boundaries (especially no contact) are so importantThe impact of screen time, social media, and ruminationHow to approach this period with intention rather than survival modeBeginning the process of reconnecting with yourself✨ Free break-up training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up
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In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re talking about how to cope when your ex seems to have moved on soon after your break-up — and is now in a new relationship that appears to be working.
This can be an incredibly painful experience, especially if you’re still grieving the relationship. It often brings up comparison, self-doubt, and questions like “Was I the problem?”
In this episode, I unpack why this situation feels so triggering, what’s actually going on beneath the surface, and how to shift out of rumination and back into your own power.
We cover:
Why seeing your ex move on can feel like “salt in the wound”The different ways anxious and avoidant people process breakupsWhy your ex’s behaviour isn’t a reflection of your worthThe illusion of their new relationship “working”How new relationship energy can mask underlying patternsThe impact of comparison, rumination, and self-doubtWhy focusing on your ex keeps you stuckHow to set boundaries and reclaim your energyResources
For free resources on break-ups and anxious attachment, click here.Check out my break-up course Higher Love here -
In today’s episode, we’re unpacking one of the most common (and confusing) questions for people with anxious attachment: is it me, or is there something genuinely not right in this relationship?
When you’re used to second-guessing yourself, it can be incredibly hard to know whether your fears and insecurities are coming from your own patterns—or from dynamics that would leave anyone feeling unsafe or unsettled.
In this episode, I explore why this question is so difficult to answer, the role of self-doubt and emotional invalidation, and how to find a more grounded, balanced perspective. I also share some clear examples of behaviours that are likely to create insecurity in any relationship, regardless of your attachment style.
We cover:
Why “is it me or them?” is such a common source of ruminationThe role of self-doubt and self-invalidation in anxious attachmentThe middle ground between dismissing your feelings and being led by themWhy relationship dynamics are almost always co-createdExamples of behaviours that are objectively difficult to build a secure relationship aroundHow inconsistency and unpredictability activate anxious attachment patternsThe importance of zooming out and looking at the big pictureWhen anxiety is a signal of deeper relational misalignmentResources
Free training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment & Feel Secure in Life and Love -
In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re exploring a common question: is it ever a good idea to be friends with an ex?
While staying connected can sometimes feel comforting after a breakup, it’s not always supportive of healing or moving forward.
In this episode, I share some key considerations to help you assess whether a friendship is a good idea, or whether it might be keeping you stuck in old patterns, attachment, or hope.
We discuss:
Why the desire to stay friends after a breakup is so commonWhen friendship with an ex can work—and when it’s likely to be harmfulSigns you might still be emotionally attached or holding onto hopeThe role of boundaries, space, and healing after a breakupHow to assess whether a friendship is aligned with your long-term wellbeing👉🏼 Register for my free breakup training here
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In today’s episode, I’m unpacking why I don’t give the common advice for anxiously attached people to simply avoid avoidant partners.
While it might seem like a straightforward way to protect yourself from painful relationship dynamics, this approach is often overly simplistic — and can actually reinforce the very patterns you’re trying to move away from.
We explore the nuance that often gets lost in attachment conversations, including why not all avoidant individuals are the same, and how reducing people to labels can limit your capacity to form meaningful, healthy connections.
I also share a more grounded and empowering approach to dating — one that centres discernment, self-trust, and clarity around what you truly want and need in a relationship.
Explore my website + free resources here.
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