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In PBSE episode 254, Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission by a man who has been married for 45 years and for many of those years, the sexual relationship between he and his wife has been very broken. The reasons are multifaceted and very complex. These include—the horror of emotional and sexual abuse his wife endured during her growing up years; an extremely rigid and shame-based religious culture which they both grew up in and continue to participate in; his periodic use of pornography; his anger and emotional abuse towards his wife; and other factors. He desperately wants to repair the damage he has done and find a way to heal the emotional and physical relationship in his marriage. Mark & Steve not only address the issues that this listener submitted, but the most common issues couples face in connection with healing sexual wounds, creating sexual safety and building a truly healthy sexual relationship.
Her past abuse/betrayalTrauma and betrayal within the relationshipRigid religious backgroundShame surrounding sex; lack of open communicationMisinformation surrounding sexSexual secrecy
This PBSE listener and his partner's situation is very complicated, with a lot of moving parts:Although this situation does have some unique elements, it brings up a lot of common struggles for couples, both in and out of recovery:
The changing physical dynamics of sexual expression/reciprocation in an ongoing, long-term committed relationshipThe constantly evolving state of a relationship as a wholeThe need for ongoing, vulnerable discussion in a coupleship regarding the various elements to intimacy, including the physicalWe all have existing “sexual paradigms”—what sex or different sexual acts mean; how critical it is; how it impacts the rest of the relationship, etc. Are willing to step back to openly assess where these paradigms come from; challenge them; be flexible; etc?Really exploring a coupleship’s sexuality means backing up from preconceived “norms” around sex acts and forms of physical expression:
As a coupleship, you have the right/obligation to determine how and what you would like your physical and sexual relationship to look like, as well as what it means and represents. Mark gives the real-life example of an acquaintance whose wife had a stroke and was permanently paralyzed from the chest down—after tenderly caring for her for a decade, he said it was the most intimate, loving and connected 10 years of their marriage.YOU are the sole architects of your own relationship—you get to collaboratively build it into what YOU want!
For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Sex in Our Marriage has Always Been "Broken." How do we Repair and Heal it?"
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
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With Episode 253, we just crossed the “One Million Downloads” threshold! And we’re in 204 Countries/Territories worldwide! Thank you to all of our PBSE listeners across the planet! None of this is possible without YOU!
In this episode, we address a betrayed partner's questions about the role of pornography in a relationship. Here's what she submitted—
Hello, I know you talk about how porn isn’t healthy or true intimacy, but what happens when your partner says they use porn to better learn how to please their partner? I ask because I’m a part of a couple of support groups, and there are a good number of women who share that this is the approach of their porn-addicted partners. I know it’s an excuse, which if anything is an understatement. Is it to possibly do a podcast specifically on this? We all know porn is NOT how to learn how to please your partner, and ultimately it’s a cop out to continue in addiction. In other words, their porn brain justifies it. I do want to note thankfully this isn’t my husband’s mindset, and have to thank both of you for the podcasts you post. My husband has shared it has helped him not feel alone, or attacked, and has helped him stay in active recovery.Over the last couple of decades, we have run into this rationale too often! Where does this come from?
Our heavily “sexualized culture” is a “grand set-up” from our earliest youth!Sadly, too many of our teens look to porn as their primary “sex education”Teens and young adults feel “pressured” to “be in the know”There is the whole “addiction pandemic” at younger & younger ages—and then all of the “defense mechanisms” to protect that addictionWhat role do you want “sex” to play in your relationship???
What is “holistic intimacy”? How does “porn” get in the way of that “intimacy” and healthy sexual intimacy as a part of that “whole”?—Because this is all being “dictated” to you, you nearly completely miss the whole communication, exploration, and collaboration experience!!! In essence, it is NOT “sex your way,” it’s “sex their way”—from an “intention” that is entirely manipulative, usury and ENSLAVING! Porn as a “source” of so-called information and instruction is a WHOLLY distorted, fake, inaccurate, filled with lies & manipulation and BASED ON THE DEEPEST FORMS OF HUMAN EXPLOITATION & ABUSE KNOWN TO MANKIND!In other words, not only is it poisonous, it isn’t even accurate or “educational”! And has NOTHING to do with “true intimacy.”Porn has the potential to impact your capacity for feeling happiness in general!
A brief discussion about the hedonic set points & the rewiring of the Dopamine System:Recurrent, compulsive exposure to selective, isolated elements can begin to manipulate and change the way you feel pleasure, and how much of it you are able to feelOn a chemical level, it can become more difficult to experience pleasure, more difficult to overcome sadness, etc. Radically alters the focus of the coupleship, and imbalances the priorities that introduces instability, emotionally and otherwise.Take back ALL sexual aspects of your relationship! Do NOT allow it to be highjacked & manipulated by outside sources. Make it what the two of you want it to be; a healthy, connecting part of your overall WHOLE relationship intimacy!
For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "I Use Porn to Learn How to Please my Partner. That's Healthy . . . Right?" -
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In Episode 252, we talk about how our “Culture of Empowerment” at D2C came about; our PASSION for PARTNERS finding their EMPOWERMENT . . . (and addicts of course, but this episode is about partners)
The seeming BLARING CONTRADICTION of a betrayed partner “owning her side of the street”!—
Betrayed partners find themselves in a variety of situations—The addict partner is not engaged in recovery at allThe addict partner is kind of half-in-half outThe addict partner is working it hard and consistent, but the betrayed partner feels like she’s “lagging behind” (which is a “misnomer,” VERY common and a natural, normal part of healing and increasing safetyWhat does it mean to “LIVE IN EMPOWERMENT”?First, what does it NOT mean? It in NO way means that:The addict’s behaviors are in ANY way the fault of the betrayed partner—she did not cause this; she does not deserve it; she is NOT responsible to “fix it” and indeed CANNOTALL of the betrayed partner’s feelings are LEGITIMATE and MUST be heard, acknowledged, validated and addressed.The addict partner absolutely MUST face, own and actively pursue HIS SIDE OF THE STREET.What IS empowerment for a Betrayed Partner—Here is the definition we use in the “D2C Culture of Empowerment”—Here at D2C, our goal is to help you claim your right & power to create and collaborate in your own change, growth & serenity—to EMPOWER YOU! What are the essential elements for a Betrayed Partner to move into and consistently live in a place of empowerment?Have a healthy, safe, supportive space to express your FULL feelings WHATEVER they may be and WHY you are feeling them (“What is under this?”) NOTE: this support, at least for a good while, is nearly NEVER your addict partner!) Examples include—Support Group; Therapist; trusted/safe family member/friend; Dare to Connect . . . Response–ability & Account–abitilty: we cannot change what we cannot own. Recognizing “my next right thing” in ANY situation is critical to staying in a place of empowerment. Refusing to be pigeon-holed into a victim role means recognizing my options, whatever they may be, in ANY situation. There are ALWAYS choices, even if those choices are uncomfortable.Become VERY clear and specific about your Authentic Wants & Needs in your individual life and in the relationship. Learn the skills to express these in a healthy way.Surround your wants and needs with clear, specific BOUNDARIES and couple these with VERY clear, specific outcomes/consequences—NOT to control his side of the street, but to keep your authentic self, wants and needs protected.KEY—a betrayed partner living in empowerment does NOT in ANY way release the addict from ANY level of responsibility and accountability—in fact, it actually places those things MORE on his shoulders and STRICTLY on his side of the street.Also—what an addict chooses to do or not do, does NOT control whether or not the betrayed partner can or will live an EMPOWERED LIFE. What it DOES directly impact is whether or not the couple can COLLABORATE, be a team, have each other’s backs and BE COMPATIBLE.
For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "As a Betrayed Partner, How do I Live "Empowered" Regardless of what my Addict Partner Does or Does Not Do?"
Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
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In Episode 251, Mark & Steve respond to a submission by a betrayed partner who is a regular PBSE listener. She describes a long-term, ongoing situation with her partner who struggles with porn use. In the beginning of their relationship, they both agreed that his porn use would not be considered, "cheating." But then a number of years into their relationship, she happened across an online account of his and actually witnessed first-hand the porn he was viewing. It was so shocking to her that she approached him to let him know that she DOES consider his porn viewing cheating. He was surprisingly agreeable and cooperative. He got into recovery, did well for awhile, and then the whole cycle started again—her discovering his use; him lying, denying and gaslighting; then finally coming clean and getting back into recovery.
Then, he began "debating" whether or not he has an actual "porn addiction" and insists that in order for him to continue in recovery he MUST have a professional give him an absolute "diagnosis" of addiction or it really isn't a problem. Here's what she submitted about this—
I am so angry. Can’t he see that if he is unable to prevent himself from watching porn AT WORK that this is a problem??? His “slips” happen every few months or so, and I think this is why he believes that it’s not an addiction…. So my big question…. At what point do you consider porn use to be an addiction? To me it seems like it’s neither here nor there as it’s a behavior he has been unable to discontinue, no matter how infrequently it happens. I believe he needs support and tools to help navigate this habit, but it seems as though he believes not having a “diagnosis” means he doesn’t have a problem…In this episode, Mark & Steve get raw and real about how porn addiction is a topic that often elicits confusion and doubt, especially when someone isn’t formally diagnosed as an addict. They explore the nuances of defining addiction, the impact of pornography on relationships, and the importance of recognizing unhealthy behaviors—whether they fit into a diagnostic label or not. They dive into the complexity of dealing with a partner’s pornography use, and why waiting for a “diagnosis” is not the best approach for recovery or healing. Mark & Steve address crucial issues for the porn-using-partner; for the betrayed partner; and for the coupleship.
For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "Unless my Partner is “Diagnosed” as an “Addict,” his Porn Use is NOT a Problem . . . Right?"
Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
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This is PBSE's 250th Episode! Our deepest gratitude goes out to our global audience of listeners!!! YOU all make this possible! THANK YOU!
After reviewing the last several months of PBSE Episodes, we have tackled a LOT of HEAVY topics! For this 250th episode, we want to focus on all of the hopeful, optimistic, positive reasons WHY we all do the CRAZY hard work of betrayal trauma healing and addiction recovery. To illustrate just how "worth it" this can all be, here's a comment that one our of our Dare to Connect clients just submitted to us—
When I first started with D2C I had a year and half of sobriety from porn and masturbation addiction. My wife and I were still struggling with communication because of her trauma response and my lack of shame resilience. D2C sessions have helped us identify these issues which has helped us to start the true healing and recovery process. We are communicating and now collaborating with each other like we never have before. We are still learning new things a year in and plan to continue with D2C for a while longer. Thank you Mark and Steve for all the effort you put into your work.
You will notice in the title the words in all caps—”COLLABORATING in the HARD”
The greatest CONNECTION, INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIP RESILIENCY come from coming together as a “collaborative team” to face the STRUGGLES!Our experiences in our own relationships as well as what we have witnessed working with couples for more than 20 years—
Hard challenges and struggles can tear us apart OR unite us—How does the hard disconnect couples?Turning away instead of turning toward: fear, shame & pain leading to going it alone; trying to CONTROL outcomesWithout proper boundaries, the desire to emotionally caretake one another can blur the lines of accountability and diminish collaborationOne or both partners engaging in avoidance cycles can establish a pattern of seeking peace at the cost of growthHow can the hard unite couples— Acknowledging challenges, as well as their accompanying fears, hesitations, insecurities, and vulnerabilities sets the stage for truly intimate dialogue. Steve and Brittany: we may not last through Christmas…Mark & Ladawn: I don’t want to hurt her anymore; I’ll take care of this on my own; let’s not rock the boat on what are at least somewhat stable waters in how she sees me, where we are as a couple, why make this harder than it needs to be . . .Owning and “being real” about the obstacles ahead puts us in the driver’s seat as a coupleship: Once we know where we are really starting, we can begin to truly prepare for and actually set out on the required journey.
Developing coupleship “skills” in the HARD means REAL SKILLS! We are “welded” together–an atomic bomb can’t break us apart! I’ve got you; you’ve got me; we’ve got US!
We actually get to decide for the first time if we want to CHOOSE “all” of each other—and KEEP choosing each other.
For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to: "COLLABORATING as a Couple in the HARD Struggle of Recovery & Healing" -
In Episode 249, Mark & Steve respond in detail to a situation and quesiton submitted by the betrayed spouse of porn/sex addict. Here are her words—
My husband is very closed off with me. He doesn't tell me important things about his life, family, or what really happens in his 12-Step recovery meetings. It's like I have to know the answer and ask specific questions to get him to talk to me with any sort of detail. I know he used to do this to hide his pornography use and affairs. But even simple things, like going to a restaurant he kept hidden. Is this just a part of his personality? He's sober from porn now, but he still doesn't talk to me. It's like I only exist to him when he is at home. He was recently in a car accident and didn't tell me until he came home from the hospital. Is there any hope he will treat me like a true friend and partner, or has compartmentalization become so ingrained in him, this is just how it is?The song “Say Something” by “A Great Big World”—Say something, I'm giving up on you; I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you; Anywhere I would've followed you; Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Why can addicts be “closed off” to their partners?It can be “personality/style” from childhoodIt can be “learned” due to environment, trauma, etc. It can be a BIG part of the addiction cycle/system; shame cycle; fear cycle; etc. These are possible explanations, NOT seHow does this impact betrayed partners?While partners suffer horrible fallout from betrayal trauma, PTSD, etc., nearly all DO desperately want to connect & collaborateSilence, surface/shallow conversation, “compartmentalization” (as she calls it), hiding, lying, gaslighting, etc., “pile on” and create “Complex Trauma”What is the Addict Partner’s Response-ability in this situation?Pride, ego, shame, fear, discomfort, life-long habits, lack of skills, etc. will too easily keep the addict from making the REAL commitment to change.This is ALL about his individual preparation and “what he brings with him” to the coupleship interaction—PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!—Journaling, opening up to his outside support system, simple daily human interactions, conversations with his Higher PowerMaking deposits to the Relationship Trust Account is SUPER important–and keeping her actively “informed” about your recovery progress, recovery insights, deep thoughts, feelings, etc. Start with “structure” and “expectations”—Daily Couples Check-in; weekly Partnership Meeting; may need to start with written communication or adhere to a “script”--(which may be hard for the partner!)This is NOT easy, but the addict gets to decide IF he will do the consistent WORK to progressively develop and practice the skills—NO MORE EXCUSES!What is the betrayed partner’s “side of the street” in this situation?She has AUTHENTIC wants and needs in this relationship! She needs to take time to clearly identify and write down what these are, including her vision of how she desires this relationship to progress.She needs to create boundaries of safety around her wants and needs along with outcomes/consequencesIt is VERY important that she CLEARLY communicates her deep feelings—like the song we started with . . . Will we ever become true friends and partners???What does it mean to “be true friends & partners"? What is INTIMACY?What is CONNECTION?ARE WE COMPATIBLE???
For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: pbsepodcast.com -
In episode 248, Mark & Steve tackle an extremely intense and heart-breaking submission by a betrayed partner. Here's what she submitted—
There are serious, long-term and permanent medical implications at play with this example which we are not going to tackle here.IT IS CRITICAL that this couple, if they haven’t already, seek immediate medical testing and treatment, as well as education regarding the issues at play and their long-term implications. What this is like for betrayed partners?The compounding effects of ”Complex Trauma”—trickled disclosure, “bomb dropping”A “painful paradox”—facing the devastation & realities of disclosure and PAST/ONGOING trauma while at the same time—”We have built a great life over our 20+ years of marriage”What is authentic for her going forward—her wants and her needs; what is she willing to do and not do; VERY SPECIFIC BOUNDARIES around this! What is this like for the porn/sex addict?WHEN the addict is ALL in and doing the WORK, the CONSEQUENCES & OUTCOMES of his past choices do NOT magically go away! In some ways, this process actually INTENSIFIES! How does he PROACTIVELY meet his betrayed partner’s authentic wants & needs; provide as much safety as is possible; be TRANSPARENT about his work; his learning; his progress; PROACTIVE PLANS he puts together and presents–LEAD OUT!What is he willing or not willing to “sacrifice” for this to work going forward?When these two worlds COLLIDE—Addiction & Ongoing Trauma—how can a Couple navigate this?!Be mindful of the tendency to reactively make BIG decisions in the midst of intense emotion BEFORE the recovery & healing processes have had a truly fair chance to unfold, progress and bring about positive change. Create as safe a space as possible for OPEN, AUTHENTIC EXPRESSION & DIALOGUE—NOT avoiding, minimizing, care-taking, shutting down, etc., to escape sitting in and talking about the HARDAlthough CRAZY HARD in the midst of addiction & betrayal, TEMPORARILY pushing a “pause” button and “sitting in a state of grace” while the small, progressive steps in the process unfold. Then, having done “all” you feel you can, coming together to ask, “Are we compatible”? Can we “get” to compatibility? HOW?This will, due to the ongoing nature of the issues, NEED TO BE AN ONGOING DISCUSSION, with appropriate medical and mental health professionals involved.
I have listened to many of your podcast episodes. An area I wish you would do an episode on is how is a spouse to handle it when your porn addicted/SA husband comes home and discloses (not the first time in our marriage) that he has been acting out for several years and contracted an STD. How am I supposed to forgive and get past that? I can’t see ever having an intimate relationship with him. However, we have built a great life (other than his sexual addiction) over our 20+ year marriage. He shows remorse, is in therapy as am I. We have not had a Formal Therapeutic Disclosure yet but it’s coming. There are a lot of aspects I’m struggling with but would love an episode on navigating an incurable STD. Sincerely, Heartbroken Spouse.
Our hearts go out to this betrayed partner! In too many ways, the consequences and fallout are not only devastating upon disclosure, but also create an ongoing traumatic nightmare!For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/how-does-a-betrayed-partner-navigate-the-news-that-their-sex-addict-partner-has-contracted-an-incura
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In this episode, number 247, Mark & Steve discuss a situation and questions submitted by the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. She does a great job presenting a balanced description of their situation, while also being very direct, vulnerable and authentic. Her addict partner has struggled with porn addiction nearly his whole life and when all the "trickle truths" started coming out, it nearly finished off their marriage. But, they both got into therapy and did a lot of hard work individually and as a couple for over a year. She describes their marriage as "feeling a lot safer and stronger."
At the same time, there are still some significant struggles. Here's how she describes it—
The issue that continues to arise for me, is that my husband seems to “need” sex every 4 days, or he will feel that he is too distracted by women and his sexual desires which impacts his recovery. This also impacts my ability to feel that I am in full control of my own body as well as feeling wanted and chosen, as opposed to just being the object of a selfish need. I understand that men are biologically more inclined to feel sexual desire more often, but is he limiting himself in his healing journey by assuming that this need is normal and biological (his words). He does have some sort of goal to increase the amount of days by using self discipline, but it seems that he believes it’s a biological need for men and specifically for himself because he feels too much physical and mental discomfort when he pushes it off. He has not masturbated in around 8-10 months (other than 1-2 slips, and a recent relapse) but we have created a plan where he has the option of masturbating after 7 days of no sex if he feels he “needs” it. My question is—does this sound like something that is limiting the recovery process or is each person an individual case and this plan can be something that is helpful for him and helpful for me to feel full control of my own body, while he does his own recovery work?
Mark & Steve directly address this couple's situation and this betrayed partner's questions. They discuss the critical importance of the addict taking charge of the healthy wiring and management of his brain's "pleasure/reward system" and how this impacts his recovery. They address the "need" for sex vs. a healthy balance in a WHOLE relationship. They speak raw and real about "his side of the street" and what he is response-able and account-able for in this situation.
They also speak directly to what this betrayed partner needs for her own "body sovereignty" and for a path of true healing. In addition, they speak to what is needed to make consistent deposits to the relationship trust account and what true "holistic intimacy" looks like vs. a narrow focus on physical sex. Also discussed are healthy sexual boundaries and what it means for an addict in recovery to evolve, mature and transform.
For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
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In episode 246, we explore the concept of interdependence in the context of recovery from betrayal trauma and porn addiction. Interdependence, often mentioned but not always fully understood, is a critical aspect of healing and moving forward in a relationship after the discovery of a partner’s addiction. Many betrayed spouses struggle with defining what interdependence looks and feels like, particularly as they navigate the complexities of their partner's ongoing recovery and behavior. Today, we’ll dive into what interdependence truly means and how it manifests in real-world scenarios, especially for those who have been deeply impacted by their spouse’s actions.
Our discussion centers around the journey of a betrayed spouse who has been married for over two decades and is actively working on her own recovery after discovering her husband’s sexual addiction. She shares her experience of wrestling with the pain of watching her husband’s behavior, such as scanning or getting captivated by other women, and how it feels intensely personal, even though she intellectually knows it’s not about her. This inner conflict highlights the struggle many face in separating their spouse’s actions from their self-worth, and how exhausting it can be to maintain a healthy mindset amidst these triggers.
We’ll also examine how interdependence can evolve over time, contrasting the early stages of recovery with later phases where individuals may experience greater emotional resilience and independence. The question is raised about whether, over time, triggers like a partner’s inappropriate behavior still impact those who are further along in their recovery. This conversation is not just about reframing mindsets but also about understanding how personal growth and healing can empower individuals, regardless of the outcome of their marriage. Join us as we unpack these challenging dynamics and provide insight into what interdependence can look like in healthy, recovering relationships.
What IS “interdependence”/COLLABORATION? What does it “look like”?What does “independence/the Authentic Self” in recovery and healing look like for both partners?For the recovering porn addict—For the partner healing from betrayal trauma—What kinds of things can disrupt one’s independent recovery and healing paths?For the recovering porn addict—For the healing partner—How do “independent/authentic” partners progressively move into a place of “interdependence”?Each must have a clear understanding of what it means to “own my side of the street”—to step into my voice, my truth, my sovereignty and my EMPOWERMENT and be WORKING IT!Be VERY mindful of the EARLY signs you are leaving the realm of sovereign independence and entering back into sacrificing one’s Authentic Self and boundaries around that self.What are the PROGRESSIVE steps to traveling the path of interdependence and coupleship collaboration?First and foremost it’s all about “What you bring with you” to the coupleship interaction! Self-care; outside support system; shame resilience work . . . MUST agree to interrupt long-standing, emotionally intense/reactive relationships patterns! Establish CLEAR communication boundaries and TAKE A BREAK every time one or both go outside those boundaries (do NOT weaponize this!)Don’t allow “reactive situations” to always be where you try to “work on healthy communication/collaboration.” Intentionally plan and practice hard topics—Journaling & Higher Power; Outside Support Systems; Couples Daily Check-ins: weekly Partnership meetings.This is a process NOT a destination–be patient; give grace; don’t give up.Visit www.daretoconnectnow.com
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In Episode 245, Mark & Steve respond to an all–too–common, legitimate struggle faced by the betrayed partners of sex/porn addicts. Here's a submission from a partner—
A History of Lying and Betrayal trauma trigger MANY symptoms for a partner that are understandable, legitimate and CRAZY HARD!“Like he has lied to me about everything else so far” Hypervigilance, seeking for guarantees, feelings of competition/comparison, doubting her intuition/gut, exhausted by his gaslighting, etcShe has every right to be skeptical, guarded and suspicious. “How can I, as the spouse, learn to (I guess) just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships?”You shouldn’t. These concerns need to be TRANSPARENTLY EXPLORED, THOUGHT OUT, and SHARED with him.In whatever way/medium is safe for her. He needs to access resources and/or skills (as needed) to be able to HEAR, PROCESS, CONNECT WITH, and VALIDATE her concerns in a vulnerable way.Connecting with/utilizing a support group, therapist, sponsor, daily renewal partner, journaling, etcThis happens ideally not just in the moment (trigger management), but also is cultivated in advance (self-care routines)Situations like this point towards the “bigger issues” within the relationshipLack of trustLack of safety(potentially) lack of dialogueLack of collaborationFor the partner, FINDING YOUR AUTHENTIC VOICE is something to grow in terms of skillset and practice:Discovering the authentic selfSetting boundariesSetting and holding consequences to preserve safety and authenticityHow can you “know” what he’s doing or not doing?How to begin addressing this as a coupleship—Get comfortable with the uncomfortablePractice via daily check-in’sCouples therapyPrograms like D2C
My husband is starting a new position within his company where he will be working very closely with this woman. She is highly attractive, and the only female in the male dominated company they work in. He has admitted a few times that “_______” is beautiful, smart and is going to go far in the company. While I have never been concerned he’s going to cheat on me, with her or anyone else, I have a lot of mixed feelings about them working so close together. I’m scared that he is fantasizing about her, masturbating to her and lying to me about it. Like he has lied to me about everything else so far. I asked him bluntly and he laughed at me and told me that “he only has eyes for me—obviously, we’re married!” He has some pretty obvious “tells” when he is lying and I’m almost certain he is in this case. How can I, as the spouse, learn to (I guess) just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships?
For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
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In Episode 244, Mark & Steve address the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict who submitted the following to PBSE—
As a partner of an addict, what can I do to help my partner feel more supported during his recovery, so that he may feel more comfortable telling me the truth??? Time and time again, I have caught him in lies or omissions and it’s eating away at the trust in our relationship. Most recently, we engaged in physical intimacy and I could tell IMMEDIATELY that he had been looking at porn that day. I can’t explain it- I just knew. I felt used, like my body was simply a means to an end for him, like a masturbation device. So I asked my partner if he’d been hiding anything from me, and he came clean that he did in fact have some slips over the weekend. I have since made it clear, respectfully, that I do not wish to engage in intercourse while information about his sexual proclivities is being withheld from me. The main issue here is that during previous conversations, he has agreed to PROACTIVELY come to me when these slips happen so that I don’t have to play detective anymore… but he has never followed through with that agreement, and he continues to wait around until I ask the perfect question. After this incident, my partner told me that he doesn’t feel like he can come to me because I get really quiet when he talks about his slips and therefore I do not make him feel supported enough. If you have any suggestions or words of wisdom to share, I would greatly appreciate it so much.For Her:
Take the time to truly explore your feelings, wants, and needs, and then come up with boundaries and attached consequences for each.Vulnerably share these with your partner, in whatever way is safest.Ensure that you are practicing healthy communication skills:When feeling anger or anger-related feelings (which are absolutely legitimate), be sure to express this in a way that also communicates the vulnerable primary emotions under the anger.Avoid toxicity in your dialogue (name-calling, sarcasm, mind-reading, etc.) and stay true to what is "authentic" to you.As safety allows, be very proactive in your expression of needs, as well as your thoughts and feelings. Hold FIRM boundaries and their accompanying consequences/outcomes. Recognize that you can’t “make” anyone continue to feel or not feel anything. They choose which feelings to focus on and remain in.SURRENDER THE REST. IT'S ON HIM.For Him: An addict in sincere recovery will be making progressive efforts to:
Practice true account-abilityAt a BASELINE, this means telling the WHOLE truth at ALL costs!Doing the hard work to not just share lapses/relapses, but to discover:What led up to the lapse/relapseWhat broke down on his endWhat specific changes will he make in future encounters with triggersSit in “Uncomfortable Places”Why are you responding the way you do your partner's reactions?How are you response-able for your actions & your responses?In what ways are you growing in your capacity to practice uncomfortable ownership and account-ability?As Addicts, WE CAUSED THIS. We may not be responsible for all of the circumstances that got us here in totality, but we ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE responsible for how we handle, show up for, and address "today."For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/is-it-my-responsibility-to-make-my-porn-addicted-partner-feel-comfortable-so-he-will-consistently-te
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In Episode 243, Mark & Steve address a very important issue submitted to PBSE by a listener who is the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. This question especially resonated with Mark as he himself, along with a number of his children and many of his extended family, have suffered with the challenges of mental illness and related diagnosed issues like ADHD. Here's the submission by a PBSE listener—
First of all, we have tremendous empathy for those challenged by ADHD. This is NOT an episode about the intricacies of ADHD and how it relates to addiction and recovery. We covered this topic in a very basic sense in Episode 210. This episode is about what it means to be truly PROACTIVE and LEAD OUT in one’s own recovery. Mental Illness and Addiction: One of the great challenges in our field is an issue of “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Did mental illness, trauma, abuse and the like come first and lead to addiction or vice-versa? Mark can speak to this from personal experience . . . What was HORRENDOUSLY HARD for Mark was honestly and vulnerably facing what it means to “own MY side of the street/MY recovery.” What does it mean to “LEAD OUT” and be PROACTIVE? How do you balance this with realities, limited capacities, self-compassion, etc.?With mental illness, trauma, abuse and the like in the mix, there are more “moving parts” to recovery.What IS a reasonable expectation for an individual with both challenges—addiction and mental illness/trauma/abuse? What are the EDUCATION, RESOURCES & TOOLS in today’s world?Moving from “me” to “WE” and how to find the balance in the “addict’s side of the street” vs. the “partner’s side.” What does true “collaboration” look like as a coupleship?How does the betrayed partner of an addict balance her own self-care, betrayal trauma healing and boundaries in this whole process? How does she walk the delicate line of healthy support vs. enablement?
My husband and I have been friends for close to 20 years, in a relationship for 7 years, and married for 3. He has been addicted to pornography for most of his life, close to 40 years. I started to suspect something a couple weeks before we got married, and he finally confessed his addiction about 6 months later. We now both have CSATs that work together as a team and we have been seeing them for about 18 months. My husband has been doing fairly well, or so I thought, but I have just found out he has been in a relapse for a couple of months. I am of course hurt and angry that he would go back down this road after all the work, time, and money that has been invested in his recovery. He very much wants to get back on track, but feels that I need to take a much larger role in his recovery. I should mention that my husband is diagnosed with ADHD. For this reason alone, he feels he needs me to essentially manage his recovery. If he has homework, sit down and do it with him. Set up our weekly check ins and give him reminders about them. Follow up that he has made therapy appointments, continually check in with him that he is not using porn etc. I do not want to have to manage all this for him. He feels that If I truly care and support him, I will understand that because of his ADHD, this is what he needs in order to be successful. I do know that it is not the wife’s place to do this typically. Is there ever a time, for instance when ADHD is present, that this could be a healthy, successful approach to both partners' recovery. Thank you so much.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this
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In this PBSE episode (#242), Mark & Steve respond to an incredibly vulnerable, painful submission by a PBSE listener. Her submission starts out with—
I was happy to have found your podcast after my partner’s reluctant disclosure last month. After experiencing what can only be described as one of the most intensely painful experiences of my life, I navigated my way to one of your episodes about betrayal trauma and it immediately eased my mind and provided me a much-needed sense of validation. I really thought my full mind and body breakdown was an unwarranted overreaction. A little bit of context before I ask my question . . .
She then describes how she was married for 8 years to an extremely abusive man who was addicted to drugs, alcohol and pornography. She finally had to end that relationship to protect herself and her children from further abuse and ongoing danger. Afters a number of years, she was courageous enough to "try again" and shares that she has been in a new relationship for the past 4 years with someone who has helped her understand what love truly is for the first time. He has been steadfast, reliable, kind and patient. From the outset, she made her stand on porn clear—that it has no place in a healthy relationship. He said that he had used it prior to their relationship, but had no need for it anymore. Then comes the bombshell that rocked her world! Here's how she describes it—
After returning from a three-day work conference last month, I sensed that he was less than eager to reconnect with me. I just had this intuitive, crushing feeling, so I asked him point blank if he had used pornography while I was away. He confessed, but very minimally, and he may have said more but I broke. Absolutely broke. I was flooded with despair. Not even a month after our marriage, I was faced with the terrible realization that I had made another huge mistake. That this was a complete stranger who had lied by omission countless times, and that I was once again in the position of being the “not good enough” wife. Despite his good intent and compassion, I wrestle with these and many more tormenting thoughts daily. I feel like life has pretty much stayed the same for him, while my whole world has been ripped apart. My question is this - he said that he has never liked this “need” within him, and that I could never understand because I am not a man. If this “need” is in every man, is there even a point in any woman EVER expecting their partner to be 100% faithful to them, spiritually, mentally, and physically? If my husband, an upstanding, moral, and loving individual, could betray me in this way and then chalk it up to the “essence” of man, then it doesn’t leave me with much (in fact, ANY) hope that I will ever be worth fidelity from him or anyone else. I would truly rather be on my own than deal with the incessant and intrusive thought that he will be forever seeking sexual gratification outside of our union. Your words and wisdom would be truly appreciated. Sincerely, One jaded, exhausted, and heartbroken wife.
In this episode, Mark & Steve speak from the heart to this blindsided and deeply betrayed partner. They help her understand her completely legitimate trauma and the flood of emotions she is experiencing. They talk about "his side of the street" with regard to her addict partner and what he can do going forward IF this relationship is to be saved. They also offer some insights and guidance to this betrayed partner and speak specifically to HOW she can STEP INTO HER POWER moving forward!
For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/men-will-just-be-men-live-with-it-really -
In Episode 241, Mark & Steve respond to a porn/sex addict in recovery who is facing an extremely difficult situation with his betrayed partner. Here's what he submitted through the PBSE contact form—
Hey, my wife is one of the .01% of wives who expects me to be absolutely perfect. I don’t know what to do? I’ve been focusing on being serene. Learning from every mistake I make. I’m 16 ish months sober. And in full recovery. Each step of the way, I’m reminded how I’m a screw up. That the score will never be even because I betrayed her, I took away her dreams, and because I’m an addict, I will never be the man she wants. Ever. That she is staying with me solely because she doesn’t want to miss time with our young son. Who we both love. She says I trapped her and she can’t leave and that she plans to stay until our son turns 18. Then leave and find a better man and have a new family. That her life is on pause until then. That I deserve to burn in hell for what I’ve done. I validate her pain. I do make mistakes and objectify her every so often and imply that I do find her “sexy” and I recognize my reasons of how my head got there and I work on those defects. I’m able to work through my shame in these moments and stay present and hear her pain. I just am at a loss of how to support her further. I feel I’m at loss and I’m committed to her. She is my only option and I love her. I never want to go back to life without recovery. I love my life and love the healing I’ve accomplished. I just don’t know how to help support her to get here as well so she can enjoy life again.
In this episode, Mark & Steve address this difficult and delicate situation:
SO much empathy for the betrayed partner and for the addict in recovery! Where is the place of “empowerment” for both partners? Without this, they will just stay STUCK!There is NO timetable or checklist for a partner bearing the heavy burden of betrayal trauma! Where is she AUTHENTICALLY? Is it what he describes or something different?Is he TRULY practicing leading out; leaning in; being proactive; making amends; rebuilding trust, etc.?Is she tapping into her own support system; following a path of true healing, etc?This coupleship must seek for DIALOGUE and AUTHENTICITY! Each person in the relationship needs to do their individual work to truly determine what is ACTUALLY their authentic voice and what is coming from the "Unholy Triad"—Pride, Shame and Trauma—for the addict in recovery and for the partner in healing.After doing the ongoing work to determine TRUE AUTHENTICITY . . . THEN each can decide how to proceed forward—What is each individual’s VISION for the relationship? What is the willingness for and level of COMPATIBILITY?For the Partner:Are you open to change on his part? If not, why? What is preventing this? Is that resistance AUTHENTIC, or something else? If so, what would that need to look like for it to resonate with you? If it does, are you open to change or growth in the relationship?What would that need to look like? If he is unwilling or unable to authentically make those changes, what is your “next right thing”?For the Addict:Will this (your partner's vision) work for you? Is this compatible with the life (and vision) you are choosing to live? If not, what would need to change in order for it to be? If she is unwilling or unable to authentically make those changes, what is your "next right thing"
For a full transcript/article of this podcast, go to:
https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/how-can-i-support-my-partner-who-i-betrayed-so-she-can-enjoy-life-again -
In Episode 240, Mark and Steve address an important issue submitted by a male betrayed partner. Here's his submission—
How do male betrayed partners process betrayal trauma differently than women? What are the difficulties male partners have when trying to heal the relationship with their betrayer? Are there any differences in recovery and repair between male betrayed/female sex addict vs female betrayed/male sex addict? I have been attending 12 steps for codependents for sex addicts, and have only met one other man in my situation. Also, struggling to find any literature or resources on this topic.
Betrayal Trauma Defined: the emotional, financial and relational “bottom falling out”
A traumatic paradigm shift from "what was" to "what is"Healing takes on many components:Reframing or repairing individual worth and valueReframing or repairing attachment to the partnerHealing trauma and attachment issuesRebuilding the capacity for trust in self and in othersReframing and increased investment in self-careNavigating shame issuesHandling triggersFor both men and women, these are unavoidable facts and factors that must be addressed, regardless of sex.Many of the differences between the healing tracks for men and women lies in the cultural differences present, which stem from:
Family of OriginGender Roles varying from culture to cultureReligious/Spiritual Framework issuesExisting, in-place support systemsSocietal norms for processing and expressing:GriefThe need for helpAcceptance of support from othersSocietal guidelines surrounding attachment
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
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This episode, # 239, is in response to a very common and very painful, frustrating and limiting situation submitted by the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict—
My husband is currently in recovery, and I am unfortunately still in the depths of betrayal trauma. Unfortunately in the early discovery days (there have been 3 major ones over 20 years) I dug for the most amount of detail surrounding my husband’s outlets possible. At the time I did not know how damaging this would be for us both. I didn’t know gathering the details would cause further trauma to me. I found out that my husband has an ideal body type he has fixated on from early teenage years. It’s very specific and nothing like my body. Rationally I know that his porn of choice and women of choice have anything to do with me. I try my best to not see my difference in appearance to these fantasy women as shortcomings. HOWEVER, one of the biggest challenges we face in our relationship is that we have a mutual friend in our life, that is the wife of my husband’s best friend, who happens to match my husband's ideal fantasy body type. Every time we are around them I am hyper vigilant, watching his every move. I can’t relax and I don’t think he can either. It’s not fun for me to be around them anymore. I hate to even write this because they’re amazing people, the wife and I get along so well. Neither of them have done anything wrong towards me. We find ourselves in group settings often with them and the rest of our friends as well. So we never have a time where we hang out with friends without them there. I hate that I have feelings before the gathering hoping they’ll decide to stay home. I feel like a terrible person. I’ve also been so triggered that others have taken notice, and I have to brush it off and say things like I’m not feeling well. I feel like I cannot be authentic at all and I feel like I keep repeating d-day over and over again every time we are together. How can I be around this person, and separate what’s happened between my husband and I? Is it even possible? The wedge between my husband and I grows each time we hang out with them. I want to have fun with my husband again, I want to laugh with our friends, I don’t want to watch my husband, I want to enjoy life because our friends are such a huge part of it, but I don’t know how.
First, let’s talk about “complex trauma/betrayal”—the unfairness of it; how it spills over into and impacts SO many aspects of a partner’s life; how the survival brain tries to cope . . . hyper-vigilance; personalization, etc—ALL legit!What can a betrayed partner in this very REAL situation, DO? Where is the EMPOWERMENT and PROACTIVITY?First, your feelings ARE legitimate! You’re in a relationship that you were led to believe would be faithful, loyal and exclusive. Through discovery/disclosure, you discovered that your porn/fantasy-addicted partner has a “favorite/preferred/ideal/” body type that does NOT match yours! Of course you REACT! Process & journal these feelings out; express them to your support system and when safe to do so, transparently express them to your addict partner—may need to be in writing first; then when safe, face-to-face—get it all out on the table.This is where you get to assess your willingness/abilities to come together as a TEAM to COLLABORATE! This takes INDIVIDUAL WORK FIRST—Addict: shame resilience/defensiveness/reactivity work; leading out, leaning in, empathy, etc; Betrayed Partner: sovereign, independent healing work. Be mindful of the “fallacy of fairness.” As a “team” NOTHING IS OFF THE TABLE! What will truly meet individual and coupleship authentic wants and needs going forward?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
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Episode 238 comes in response to a request from a long-time PBSE listener. Here's her submission—
Can you talk about the "3 second rule" and why it’s not an ok rule?! Many people talk about it and/or say they’ve read, heard, or had addicts, partners, therapists, suggest this rule. I love the way you’ve described what crap that is because an addict's mind doesn’t need 3 seconds to go to addiction thoughts. I can’t recall if you’ve ever talked about it on PBSE. I think maybe, but on D2C, I’ve heard you talk much more specifically about how that’s a crap idea. Thanks guys! I think it could help so many people to know that it’s not a good rule or way to avoid scanning and objectifying. And that using tools like mindfulness… and having a plan before going out and for each and every action through the day is a better way.
First, what is the “3-Second Rule”?Why did it become a “thing” over the years? How is this “quick-fix/treating-the-symptom” vs. “real recovery and change”?The “3-second rule” would be considered a very basic recovery conceptBased around trying to curb urges around scanning, objectifying, or other voyeuristic behaviors. The notion behind it may be “good” in some ways, but has shown to become problematic for addicts in recovery:A lot can happen in 3 seconds! Can/has been interpreted as “giving permission” to look, so long as it's for a short time.It focuses way too much on the “don’ts” and not enough on the “do’s."It doesn’t bring about lasting change—focuses only on symptom managementWhat to do instead?"Check your intention at the door"—What am I here for? How am I "purpose-driven"?Plan in advance—what will I do WHEN, not if, triggers come up for me?Create easy access to "centering" resources - phone calls, reach-out texts, virtual meetings, etc. Tools—surrender, empathy, practicing holistic connection—humanizing.Practicing being FULLY PRESENT in a situation
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
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In this Episode 237, Mark and Steve get passionate in responding to the heart-felt submission by a PBSE listener. Here's what she shared—
In My partners and I are now 12 months into our journey and I have been doing really well for the most part. I had been feeling like I was really getting on top of my betrayal and processing everything that happened. I felt as though my partner was also doing well, we had been communicating well and he had stopped masturbating and looking at porn and speaking to other women. It felt like my partner and I were really coming back to a place where I could trust him again. That was, up until yesterday..... We had our second polygraph test to verify the last 12 months and he failed. He sat in the room with the therapist and I and said over and over again that he had nothing to hide and that the test was wrong. Eventually he let the lies come out. Non disclosures, contacting an ex partner on one occasion, looking up ex partners online. I won't go into every detail and I will admit that compared to the initial betrayal these things are small in comparison, but why do they feel so BIG to me? I feel like the wound I had been so close to healing has been ripped wide open again and all the pain from the initial betrayal is as raw as it was in the beginning. I know that these things are 'slips' and not a full relapse but it hurts the same as if it was. To make it worse my partner has now decided that he doesn't trust our current therapist and is seeking another therapist who doesn't specialize in addiction of any kind. I feel lost, scared and completely shattered. I feel like I'm back to square one. How do I come back from this? How do I get past the lies?
The crazy hard side of “complex trauma”There is a reality that “recovery is a trajectory” but how in the world does a betrayed partner deal with that?! And how does that not become an excuse for the addict?WHY does an addict in recovery choose to behave this way? What is the “lying” REALLY about?We’ve been talking about this in D2C—Personal Boundaries and consequences/outcomes that the addict PLACES ON HIMSELF based on HIS OWN WANTS, NEEDS AND ESPECIALLY THE VISION OF HIS AUTHENTIC, HIGHER SELF!As long as the addict chooses to stay in a defensive/reactive place, he will keep falling back into old habits like lying. Yes, real recovery is NOT an event–it is a “trajectory” BUT—His addict brain will latch onto this and use it as an excuse to “stay put”What does “trajectory” mean? What are the crucial steps/tools to use when a slip or relapse takes place???Feeling like you’re at “square one” is SO understandable, but NOT accurate!“How do I come back from this” is replaced with “How do I move forward?”Again, from D2C—What do “boundaries with consequences/outcomes” look like?Cleary identify your individual wants and needs (authentic self) and clearly voice them to your addict partnerClearly identify and voice the boundaries that protect your authentic self, wants and needsMatch up to your wants, needs and boundaries consequences/outcomes designed to GET YOU BACK TO YOUR AUTHENTICITYHopefully the addict in recovery is doing the very same process on HIS SIDEThen and ONLY then, can you come together as a couple to collaborate on your “joint vision.”
First, our hearts go out to all of the Betrayed Partners listening—just when you dare to hope again; just when you start to risk vulnerability; just when some deposits have been made to the trust account—BAM! The scabs get ripped off–all the TRAUMA RETURNS!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
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Episode 234 comes in response to TWO situations/questions sent to PBSE by porn/sex addicts in recovery. Here’s a brief overview of each—
The first has been addicted to porn since he was 14 and is now well into his adult years. He was in a relationship for 3 years before disclosing his addiction. In his own words he says—Since then I have lied about recovery; was in active addiction while supposedly practicing recovery; gaslit, verbally and psychologically abused my partner for years. I lied in my disclosure and also failed a polygraph test. I triangulated her with therapists and friends.
As would be obvious, all of this has severely impacted his partner. Here’s what he shares about that—My partner has suffered greatly from everything I have done. She is extremely depressed and doesn't know how to feel better. We spend a lot of time talking about all the issues, and even more so when I continue my bad behaviors. She feels hopeless, that I don't love her, and that I don't desire her. She believes that I will never be able to love her like she deserves. I love her—but I have failed multiple times to show that I desire her and want her. Demonstrating the opposite.
This addict appears to have finally become serious about recovery—he attends 12-Step meetings, has a Sponsor, has worked with a CSAT therapist, and has become completely honest. He is “sober” from porn, BUT, he still feels himself holding back, returning to old behaviors, not being “emotionally sober,” present and transparent, etc. He asks PBSE, “What do I really want? Am I lying to myself about this whole recovery thing? Do I just not care and I’m just being a whiny child?!”
The second submission comes from a porn/sex addict who has been in serious recovery for the last 7 ½ years. He attends multiple 12-Step meetings each week, works with a CSAT, has a solid outside support system that he connects with daily, BUT here’s his frustration—
Yet I still act out every 2-3 months on average* and I am NOT okay with this. While better than before (2-3 times/week), it is so frustrating to have all this experience and wisdom, yet to not be able to surrender a craving. Every relapse feels like a different reason (shame, fear, overwork, resentment, pain, exhaustion, rest, fun) and I need a PhD in psychology to find the heart issues before they become porn issues. My sweet, strong, forgiving wife says she is still with me, though divorce is now on the table. I fear the day she wakes up and feels ridiculous that she's still in this relationship.
In this episode, Mark and Steve get raw and real about what a porn/sex addict needs to do to GET REAL, LASTING SEXUAL & EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY AND RECOVERY!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
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In this episode, # 236, the betrayed partner of a porn addict writes a very raw and vulnerable message to PBSE with some deeply poignant, hard-hitting questions. Here's what we received from her—
Hey Mark and Steve, my partner was 4 years porn-free and then relapsed, using porn intermittently for about 8 months before I caught him. He says he's serious now and willing to make an effort. Your podcast has been very helpful for both of us in the weeks since the discovery.
My question is this: why is the knowledge of the abuse in the porn industry not enough to make men quit? I appreciate all the content in the podcast about why quitting porn is essential for a healthy relationship, but I haven't heard you yet discuss why porn is so bad outside of the user's relationship.
My problem with porn is that is made through the abuse, rape, and coercion of the women involved. I wonder how anyone can get off to it and still retain their humanity, to be frank. It's like using porn requires a person to turn off all empathy and objectify the women they're viewing. It requires ignoring the fact that in 99% of cases, she doesn't want to be there and is enduring it for a paycheck she can only hope she actually receives. Given the abundance of porn star testimonials exposing the abuse of the industry, why is that not enough? Why does it have to hurt men personally (through loss of relationships, ED, etc.) before they care about the women it hurts?
While this is a very deep and complex topic, Mark & Steve provide at least an overview and introduction to some of the reasons "why."
First of all, there are NO legitimate rationalizations, justifications, minimizations or excuses for the choices and behaviors of a porn/sex addict—only explanations. And these have definite limits in their healthy usefulness.What is ADDICTION? In 12-Step it is referred to as a “form of insanity.” Here’s what AI had to say—Addiction can be seen as a form of insanity because people with addictions do the same thing repeatedly, even when it has negative consequences, and expect different results. Substance Abuse vs. “Process Addictions”—BOTH trigger the body into releasing its own “endogenous feel-good chemicals." Under the influence of alcohol, drugs, porn, and other "addiction outlets," what is “real” and “not real” in the “narrow Funnel” becomes impossible for the Limbic System of addict brain to discern. But WHY go there at all?! For myriad reasons (shame, fear, abuse, trauma, insecurity, taking the easy way/avoiding the hard, survival . . . the individual discovers his “go-to-place"—his instant escape, avoidance, pleasure-hit, etc and once that “link” is made, WATCH OUT!!! We talk about being “BLHASTed” triggering the addict to move into the addiction Funnel. BE VERY WARY OF THAT FUNNEL BECAUSE ONCE INSIDE, YOU GIVE UP YOUR FREEDOM TO CHOOSE! This leads to “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome”—Mr. Hyde throws everyone and everything Dr. Jekyll cares about under the bus. It’s “limbic vs. Logic;” Authentic, True Self vs. The Imposter. An otherwise caring, compassionate, decent man who sees "whole people," becomes a cold, calculating man who sees only “pieces and parts" of others, like he's looking through a drinking straw. With all of this, WHERE IS THE HOPE? It's as simple as "Steps 1, 2 & 3." It's about getting UNDER THE SYMPTOMS AND TRIGGERS; addressing the BLHASTed feelings FAR IN ADVANCE! You absolutely CAN step progressively into your TRUE, AUTHENTIC SELF; RESTORE YOUR HUMANITY, COMPASSION, SEEING WHOLE PEOPLE, ETC.! Partners—our hearts go out to you–the horrific betrayal is NOT your fault; you don’t deserve it in any way and you can’t MAKE
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