エピソード
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What can we say?
The Roargasm crew gets together in person, at Roar Manor (also known as Wallbrook West) in South Haven, MI, only to watch as Marvel Supervillain Josh Allen had his way with our 18th-string D, doing pretty much whatever the fuck he wanted.
A 5-TD, 0-INT, nearly 500-yard game from Jared wasn't enough--the first time that's happened in the history of the damn league.
And just to rub it in, the football gods claimed several more of our defenders, plus MountGomery, who is out for the season.
So ... yeah. That sucks.
BUT ...
We are still roaring at 12-2, with a chance to secure home field advantage throughout the playoffs over the next three games.
And although Mount is out, we still have Sonic, who is built for this shit.
Anyhow, we kinda forgot how bad losing sucks. Dealing with it clearly affected our pod-ending roar, which took something like 7 takes to get right.
We were so distraught that we forgot to guess the lines and predict the score against the Care Bears next week.
So here's a guess: The Roar will take out their frustrations against the Care Bears, Sonic will induce massive roargasms, the Oline will serve up a heaping helping of pancake blocks, and the D--featuring several guys who have literally never played organized football--will hold their own. Lions 34 - Care Bears 17.
Roar!
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Banged up defense?
No problem.
Surging Pecklers squad out for revenge?
No biggee.
Going for it on 4th down when already in field goal range?
Of course. And of course we got it, bled the clock, and won the game leaving zero time for the fucking Pecklers to mount a comeback.
Lomas and Uncle Brother record Part 1 of the pod during halftime, when it seemed that the Roar was in total control.
Lomas and Deano record Part 2 on Friday, with full knowledge of all that transpired.
A huge Roar to the D for stifling the Pecklers in the first half and making Love run for his life. And no shame in the D wilting in the 2nd half against a legit good Pecklers team.
Another huge Roar to Jared for turning it on at the end and lead us to a come from behind victory.
And the biggest ROAR of all to DC, he of the massive balls of rust-proof titanium, for going for it on 4th down to ensure that the Pecks didn't get the ball back with time to tie the game.
That's what this team is all about--going full ROAR all the time, every time, taking chances, and being 12-1 for the first time in franchise history.
12-1, folks. 12 and fucking 1!
Next up, the Suckallo Billcocks, who are scary as hell. But so are we.
Huddle up, Roar Nation! Roar on 3.
See ya!
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We are thankful for:
--A rare Thanksgiving win
--The Care Bears sucking massive turkey balls at the end of the game
--The o-line and the Sonic/Knuckles ground attack, which remains unstoppable
--DC, BH, BJ and the entire coaching staff
--Penei for refusing to be tackled by the entire Care Bear's defense
--Billy Sims and his 45+ BBQ joint locations
--The Roar being 11-1 for the first time in Roar history
--The brave staff at Wallbrook who are dealing with an inmate revolt and ongoing hostage situation
--Fantetti, for being himself
--And for Roaraholics across this great land!
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In this episode:
--Lomas recounts wading into enemy territory, into the fetid bowls of the hellhole known as Lucas Oil Stadium, to support the Roar from way up in the fucking nosebleeds. Among hundreds, maybe thousands, of fellow Roaraholics!
--We spend a little time on what was, as Deano put it, a ho-hum 18-point road win. Nothing flashy. No trick plays or record-setting performances. Just the People Mover moving people and Sonic and Knuckles doing their shit and Jared playing a controlled, confident, if unspectacular game.
--We look ahead to Thanksgiving, a day on which the Lions have not won since 2016. That will change against the Care Bears, who look tougher than their record indicates but will get their asses beat nonetheless.
--We eagerly Roar to get to After the Roar, upon which ... well ... I honestly don't remember much. We entered realms unseen, where space and time dissolved and reformed in the shape of a roaring lion.
--Uncle Brother recounts an encounter with a naked man walking through a forest
--We conclude After the Roar in a state of total stupefaction, forever changed.
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In this episode ...
I mean, what's there left to say? The Roar did what they were supposed to do: beat the absolute shit out of one of the worst teams in the league.
Jared returned to his MVP-level ways, pitching a pretty much perfect game.
The People Mover moved people.
Knuckles and Sonic did their thing.
Sun God shined forth.
Jamo was Jamo.
Branch laid wood.
Za'Darius got .5 of a sack!
We most likely got Doug Pederson fired.
Good times!
Other stuff:
Deano records lying down in bed, making him look a little bit like the guy in "The Whale."
We spend a good chunk of the episode running down our list of silly, pejorative names for other teams, cracking ourselves up along the way.
We three-part roar with confidence like the grizzled vets we are.
And we'll see all you unrepentant roaraholics next week, when Lomas will be in person to witness the Roar embarrass the Dolts in their own dome.
Roar!
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And with two 50+ yard field goals, Master Jake Bates has kicked himself into the Lions Kicking Circle of Fame, joining Eddy Murray and Jason Hanson (and probably also Matt Tater) as part of the proud lineage of superlative roaring kickers.
Seriously, Master Bates was incredibly clutch, painting the upright on a 52-yard game-winning boot.
This was easily the Roar's toughest win.
Jared threw 5(!) picks, although only two were legit, and even those seemed like miscommunication instead of sucky throws.
The People Mover stopped moving.
CJ Stroud and co. put up 23 in the first half.
But our D roared back, shutting those fuckers out in the 2nd half. And The People Mover started moving, and Jared found a little rhythm.
And we fucking won, despite everything!
Next week we're at home for a Jagoffuars feast. We should demolish those losers.
Let's keep winning, baby! ROAR!
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On the road at Lambeau. In the pouring rain. Against a really good (or so we thought) Pecklers squad with a hotshot QB and sturdy Oline. Without our best defender for most of the game.
And guess what? It didn't fucking matter. The Roar did their thing, the Pecklers folded, and we're along atop the division at 7-1. ROAR!
In this diabolical episode, we celebrate what's become routine for the Lions: winning every which way, no matter the circumstances and no matter the opponent.
We Marvel at yet another spectacular Jared performance.
We honor the People Mover and the Gibbs-Montgomery onslaught.
We revel in Jordan Love fumbling approximately 532 snaps.
And, for some reason, we spend long chunks of the pod assuming the characters of New York Jewish mothers with raspy voices.
We make predictions for next week, once again on the road, against the Texans--a name so lame we haven't even really bothered to come up with a stupid nickname.
Be sure to listen to "After the Roar" for more nonsense.
ROAR!
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Cue the sitar music and backwards guitars solo.
This game was a weird, glorious, pyschedelic experience.
Jared had around 80 yard passing.
The Titans rolled up 416 yards of offense and ran 71 plays to the Roar's 47.
Final score? Lions 52, Titans 14 of course!
What the fuck?
We marvel at the statistical oddities of this strange game.
Jared continues to ball out, going 12/15 for 85 yards and 3 TDs, which seems impossible.
Gibbs does his best Sonic impression.
Kind David tosses a TD pass!
The D gave up big plays and lots of yards but still held the hapless Titans to 14 points.
Anyhow, it's on to Green Bay, for the biggest game of the season so far against the Peckers, who also won this week. We hate the Peckers and hate that they've enjoyed stellar QB play for the past 73 years and are good. We want to destroy them. And we shall.
ROAR!
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Man, are we in a good mood! The Roar roared a mighty roar and were simply the better team against the Viqueens. Who, to be fair, also played well. The Queens are good! But we're fucking better! For the first time ever in our roaraholic lifetimes, we can claim with absolute confidence that the Lions are better than most teams we play. Mindblowing.
We just can't say enough in this episode about how well the Roar are playing. Jared is on an absolute tear. It's a shock when he throws an incompletion. Gibbs was electric. Sun God was Sun God. And the D held their ground when it mattered most. Brian. Fucking. Branch. Right?
Bottom line, being able to march into that loud-ass dome and win against an undefeated squad with a really good defense and the best receiver in football is fucking awesome.
We roar on to next week against the Titans, who are so bad, we're not even really trying to come up with a cock-themed nickname.
Roar with pride, Roar Nation! Roar as One!
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Let's start with the bitter.
An otherwise smashing victory was marred by Hutch breaking his fucking leg while sacking Dak. That was horrible and a devastating loss. We wish him a speedy recovery and a full return to destroying opposing QBs.
Now for the sweet!
The Roar put on an offensive display for the ages, absolutely stomping the Cockboys on their own field. Where to begin? Perhaps with the double reverse flea flicker 50-yard TD to LaPorta? Or maybe you prefer Jared's bomb to a streaking Jamo for a spectacular TD. Then there was the called-back lateral to Penei for an almost TD. (Bullshit call, of course). And, as always, we were once again treated to a two-headed monster of a running attack that absolutely demoralized the Cockboys and left them with no hope.
This was Ben Johnson's game, a true masterpiece of smashmouth combined with trickeration. We loved all of it (minus the Hutch injury, obviously): every 7-yard run; every wide open completion; every shot of Mike McCarthy staring into the middle distance like Lion's coaches of yore.
Now it's on to meet the Viqueens and their really fucking good defense. In Brad and DC we trust. Roar.
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ROAR!
In this episode we celebrate the Lion's long-awaited offensive explosion.
We begin with a reading from a newly deciphered chapter of The Book of Jared.
We honor David Monty's incredible 40 yard scamper.
We marvel at Sun God's "Philly Special" TD toss to Jared.
We speak in awed terms of Jamo taking a simple crossing route pass and turning it into an epic TD.
And of course we fall to our knees in disbelief at Jared's perfect, 18/18 performance.
In short, we're pretty fucking psyched that the Roar marched forward down the field with ease and did so with such style and swagger.
But Deano, in particular, is kinda bothered by the fact that the Cocks also marched all around the field, meeting little resistance from our still-a-work-in-progress D.
But generally, we're happy to head into the bye week coming off a big win, and look forward to fucking up the Cowgirls/Cockboys in a couple of weeks.
Until then, Shanah Roarah to one and all.
Roar!
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The Roargasm crew breaks down the Lions impressive road win over the Fartinals.
First, Deano improvises a new tune, called "Lady Lomas," that has a lot of potential.
Back to the game ... The good:
The Lions win on the road against a squad that won big the week before.
The Roar defense was great overall.
The Lions offense finally clicked during the first half, looking like the high flying unit we've come to know and love.
The not so good:
--The offense bogged down in the 2nd half, although we suspect the run-heavy game plan had something to do with that
--Arnold continues to rack up PI penalties
--We have 9 damn penalties, which pretty much kept the Farts in the game
But it's a road win, so we'll gladly take it. On to next week, against the Seacocks, who've given us trouble in the past. Join us in hoping for a roaring victory against the 3-0 Cocks, who are probably not as good as their record suggests.
Roar.
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It truly sucks when your team loses a game they coulda/shoulda won, even though they kinda sucked mid-sized donkey balls, doesn't it?
The Roargasm crew is appropriately subdued after a disappointing loss at home to the Fucaneers, who were missing approximately 98% of their starters in the secondary.
We're mostly concerned that the offense hasn't really clicked yet. Has anyone seen Sam LaPorta? Jared, meanwhile, had to wash the taste of donkey balls from his mouth after the game. What's with the missed throws and horrible interceptions? Something's off. We shall consult the Book of Jared for wisdom and comfort.
But unlike in Lions seasons past, BDC (Before Dan Campbell), we're not panicking and declaring the season over. It's just one game, people.
A few bright spots:
Hutch went ballistic with 4.5 sacks. Dude was unstoppable.
Sun God bounced back with 10+ catches for 100+ yards.
Jamo had another pretty good game (although he disappeared for long stretches).
Jack Fox delivered a strike for a first down on a glorious fake punt!
DC gave another magnificent halftime interview, digging deep and owning his mistake at the end of the first half.
Speaking of which, that was a game-changing fuck up. DC is only human, folks. We still love the guy, of course.
Anyhow, on to Arizona next week, to face a Fartinals teams that blew out the Rams today. Oy. It's a good thing the Lions are built for this shit. 'Cause we're not sure we are.
Roar.
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Welp, game 1 is in the books, and thanks to the ghost of Bobby Layne it's a W for the Roar.
In this episode:
--We share our game watching experiences
--Uncle Brother shares a bed with a fellow roaraholic
--Deano, having survived the Ford Field frenzy, looks like crap and is barely conscious
--We marvel at how cool it is to have a smash mouth running attack, especially late in games
--We also marvel at Matty Staff, who looked better than ever and could not be stopped
--We wonder what the hell was going on with Sun God and Laporta, who did virtually nothing the entire game
--We applaud Jared's epic, 7-yard scamper for a crucial 1st down
--We love DC more than ever, after his impassioned halftime interview
--We are fucking pumped about the Jamo outburst!
--We're exhausted and wonder if we'll be able to hold up physically and mentally for the entire season.
--We end, as always, with a melodious 3-part harmonized Roar ... With Deano starting out in the deep end! Uncle Brother following with a note high enough in the register to force Lomas to go falsetto.
In short: It wasn't pretty, but it's a W, and we'll gladly take it.
Until next time,
Roar.
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Hola, Roar Nation!
The Roargasm is back, with a preseason episode that will blow your hair back and give you a roarection the size and duration of which will alarm you.
We review our responses to the annual preseason questionnaire (courtesy of Uncle Brother) to predict the Lion's fortunes.
And guess what?
We're (mostly) all in on the Lions going all the way! Seriously. We know, as lifelong Lions fans, that picking the Roar to win the Super Bowl seems insane. But that's where we are, bitches! It's SB or bust, baby!
We also debut two new songs: Deano's show-opening "Bite Them Caps" and Impossible Lomas' show-closing "Built for This Shit".
So join us, Roar Nation, on what is sure to be a wild ride!
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What's this? An offseason pod?
Hell yeah!
Deano, Uncle B, and Lomas are in peak offseason form for this low-energy episode. All we can really say is that Brad Holmes and DC have our unmitigated trust that they're making the right moves to shore up the D, stabilize the O line after the departure of Jonah Jackson, and generally keep things humming.
Query: Is next season Super Bowl or bust? Will anything less than a Bowl appearance equate to a failure? Seems unfathomable, right? Yet, here we are.
Another burning question: Is the new recording platform we're using roar-enabled? Listen to the end to find out!
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Where to begin?
With a newly revealed chapter of The Book of Jared, of course.
Lomas was AT THE GAME and lived to tell the tale.
Brad Johnson is coming back for another run at a chip!
Anyway, there are basically two ways to look at what happened: 1) The Lions had the game in hand and blew it, squandering a chance to go to the GODDAMN SUPER BOWL!; 2) The Lions are still a year or so away and needed to go through the agony of defeat to take the next step.
The Roargasm chooses route 2. Just like the Pistons in '87, the Roar will use the heartbreak of losing a game they should have won to fuel go into next season even hungrier, knowing they belong amongst the elite teams.
We shall most likely pod again before the beginning of next season. But until then, thank you for roaring with us throughout what's been a truly incredible and historic season. Study the Book of Jared, offer thanks to Ben Johnson, and keep ROARING!
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Ho hum. The Detroit Lions won another playoff game, at home against the Fuccaneers. No big deal, nothing to see here. EXCEPT THAT THE LIONS ARE PLAYING IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP!
We were the better team. We were at home. We were favored. And so of course we SHOULD have won. But damn, after 30 solid years of ineptitude and dashed dreams, it was hard to harbor too much hope.
And yet here we are. On to San Fran, a very scary and formidable team against whom we have absolutely nothing to lose. Anything is possible. Possible is anything. Let's go! ROAR!!!!!!
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It only took 30 years ... 3 solid decades of broken hopes and dreams ... multiple generations of roaraholics passing on the disease from father to son ... But, as God is our witness ...
THE DETROIT LIONS WON A GODDAMN PLAYOFF GAME!
Air-Low and Deano (all the way from the Holy Land!) phone in to help us process this historic moment. The game was about as good as it gets. Both teams balling out, doing their thing. Matty Staff was great, slinging no-look sidewinders all over the field. Jared was even better, remaining calm and collected throughout a really close game. Bottom line, Jared made the throws when it really mattered, leading the Lions to a fucking playoff victory.
We're in uncharted territory now, people. The last time the Lions ventured into the mystical land known as the Second Round, they got smoked. Let us beseech the football gods to grant the Roar good fortune against the Fucaneers. Roar.
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Yes, Lomas and Uncle Brother kept recording throughout the entire game. This one's for the truly hopeless roaraholics. Meaning anyone listening to this podcast. So, dive in, guys! See you on the other, glorious side!
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