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In this episode ...
I mean, what's there left to say? The Roar did what they were supposed to do: beat the absolute shit out of one of the worst teams in the league.
Jared returned to his MVP-level ways, pitching a pretty much perfect game.
The People Mover moved people.
Knuckles and Sonic did their thing.
Sun God shined forth.
Jamo was Jamo.
Branch laid wood.
Za'Darius got .5 of a sack!
We most likely got Doug Pederson fired.
Good times!
Other stuff:
Deano records lying down in bed, making him look a little bit like the guy in "The Whale."
We spend a good chunk of the episode running down our list of silly, pejorative names for other teams, cracking ourselves up along the way.
We three-part roar with confidence like the grizzled vets we are.
And we'll see all you unrepentant roaraholics next week, when Lomas will be in person to witness the Roar embarrass the Dolts in their own dome.
Roar!
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And with two 50+ yard field goals, Master Jake Bates has kicked himself into the Lions Kicking Circle of Fame, joining Eddy Murray and Jason Hanson (and probably also Matt Tater) as part of the proud lineage of superlative roaring kickers.
Seriously, Master Bates was incredibly clutch, painting the upright on a 52-yard game-winning boot.
This was easily the Roar's toughest win.
Jared threw 5(!) picks, although only two were legit, and even those seemed like miscommunication instead of sucky throws.
The People Mover stopped moving.
CJ Stroud and co. put up 23 in the first half.
But our D roared back, shutting those fuckers out in the 2nd half. And The People Mover started moving, and Jared found a little rhythm.
And we fucking won, despite everything!
Next week we're at home for a Jagoffuars feast. We should demolish those losers.
Let's keep winning, baby! ROAR!
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On the road at Lambeau. In the pouring rain. Against a really good (or so we thought) Pecklers squad with a hotshot QB and sturdy Oline. Without our best defender for most of the game.
And guess what? It didn't fucking matter. The Roar did their thing, the Pecklers folded, and we're along atop the division at 7-1. ROAR!
In this diabolical episode, we celebrate what's become routine for the Lions: winning every which way, no matter the circumstances and no matter the opponent.
We Marvel at yet another spectacular Jared performance.
We honor the People Mover and the Gibbs-Montgomery onslaught.
We revel in Jordan Love fumbling approximately 532 snaps.
And, for some reason, we spend long chunks of the pod assuming the characters of New York Jewish mothers with raspy voices.
We make predictions for next week, once again on the road, against the Texans--a name so lame we haven't even really bothered to come up with a stupid nickname.
Be sure to listen to "After the Roar" for more nonsense.
ROAR!
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Cue the sitar music and backwards guitars solo.
This game was a weird, glorious, pyschedelic experience.
Jared had around 80 yard passing.
The Titans rolled up 416 yards of offense and ran 71 plays to the Roar's 47.
Final score? Lions 52, Titans 14 of course!
What the fuck?
We marvel at the statistical oddities of this strange game.
Jared continues to ball out, going 12/15 for 85 yards and 3 TDs, which seems impossible.
Gibbs does his best Sonic impression.
Kind David tosses a TD pass!
The D gave up big plays and lots of yards but still held the hapless Titans to 14 points.
Anyhow, it's on to Green Bay, for the biggest game of the season so far against the Peckers, who also won this week. We hate the Peckers and hate that they've enjoyed stellar QB play for the past 73 years and are good. We want to destroy them. And we shall.
ROAR!
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Man, are we in a good mood! The Roar roared a mighty roar and were simply the better team against the Viqueens. Who, to be fair, also played well. The Queens are good! But we're fucking better! For the first time ever in our roaraholic lifetimes, we can claim with absolute confidence that the Lions are better than most teams we play. Mindblowing.
We just can't say enough in this episode about how well the Roar are playing. Jared is on an absolute tear. It's a shock when he throws an incompletion. Gibbs was electric. Sun God was Sun God. And the D held their ground when it mattered most. Brian. Fucking. Branch. Right?
Bottom line, being able to march into that loud-ass dome and win against an undefeated squad with a really good defense and the best receiver in football is fucking awesome.
We roar on to next week against the Titans, who are so bad, we're not even really trying to come up with a cock-themed nickname.
Roar with pride, Roar Nation! Roar as One!
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Let's start with the bitter.
An otherwise smashing victory was marred by Hutch breaking his fucking leg while sacking Dak. That was horrible and a devastating loss. We wish him a speedy recovery and a full return to destroying opposing QBs.
Now for the sweet!
The Roar put on an offensive display for the ages, absolutely stomping the Cockboys on their own field. Where to begin? Perhaps with the double reverse flea flicker 50-yard TD to LaPorta? Or maybe you prefer Jared's bomb to a streaking Jamo for a spectacular TD. Then there was the called-back lateral to Penei for an almost TD. (Bullshit call, of course). And, as always, we were once again treated to a two-headed monster of a running attack that absolutely demoralized the Cockboys and left them with no hope.
This was Ben Johnson's game, a true masterpiece of smashmouth combined with trickeration. We loved all of it (minus the Hutch injury, obviously): every 7-yard run; every wide open completion; every shot of Mike McCarthy staring into the middle distance like Lion's coaches of yore.
Now it's on to meet the Viqueens and their really fucking good defense. In Brad and DC we trust. Roar.
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ROAR!
In this episode we celebrate the Lion's long-awaited offensive explosion.
We begin with a reading from a newly deciphered chapter of The Book of Jared.
We honor David Monty's incredible 40 yard scamper.
We marvel at Sun God's "Philly Special" TD toss to Jared.
We speak in awed terms of Jamo taking a simple crossing route pass and turning it into an epic TD.
And of course we fall to our knees in disbelief at Jared's perfect, 18/18 performance.
In short, we're pretty fucking psyched that the Roar marched forward down the field with ease and did so with such style and swagger.
But Deano, in particular, is kinda bothered by the fact that the Cocks also marched all around the field, meeting little resistance from our still-a-work-in-progress D.
But generally, we're happy to head into the bye week coming off a big win, and look forward to fucking up the Cowgirls/Cockboys in a couple of weeks.
Until then, Shanah Roarah to one and all.
Roar!
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The Roargasm crew breaks down the Lions impressive road win over the Fartinals.
First, Deano improvises a new tune, called "Lady Lomas," that has a lot of potential.
Back to the game ... The good:
The Lions win on the road against a squad that won big the week before.
The Roar defense was great overall.
The Lions offense finally clicked during the first half, looking like the high flying unit we've come to know and love.
The not so good:
--The offense bogged down in the 2nd half, although we suspect the run-heavy game plan had something to do with that
--Arnold continues to rack up PI penalties
--We have 9 damn penalties, which pretty much kept the Farts in the game
But it's a road win, so we'll gladly take it. On to next week, against the Seacocks, who've given us trouble in the past. Join us in hoping for a roaring victory against the 3-0 Cocks, who are probably not as good as their record suggests.
Roar.
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It truly sucks when your team loses a game they coulda/shoulda won, even though they kinda sucked mid-sized donkey balls, doesn't it?
The Roargasm crew is appropriately subdued after a disappointing loss at home to the Fucaneers, who were missing approximately 98% of their starters in the secondary.
We're mostly concerned that the offense hasn't really clicked yet. Has anyone seen Sam LaPorta? Jared, meanwhile, had to wash the taste of donkey balls from his mouth after the game. What's with the missed throws and horrible interceptions? Something's off. We shall consult the Book of Jared for wisdom and comfort.
But unlike in Lions seasons past, BDC (Before Dan Campbell), we're not panicking and declaring the season over. It's just one game, people.
A few bright spots:
Hutch went ballistic with 4.5 sacks. Dude was unstoppable.
Sun God bounced back with 10+ catches for 100+ yards.
Jamo had another pretty good game (although he disappeared for long stretches).
Jack Fox delivered a strike for a first down on a glorious fake punt!
DC gave another magnificent halftime interview, digging deep and owning his mistake at the end of the first half.
Speaking of which, that was a game-changing fuck up. DC is only human, folks. We still love the guy, of course.
Anyhow, on to Arizona next week, to face a Fartinals teams that blew out the Rams today. Oy. It's a good thing the Lions are built for this shit. 'Cause we're not sure we are.
Roar.
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Welp, game 1 is in the books, and thanks to the ghost of Bobby Layne it's a W for the Roar.
In this episode:
--We share our game watching experiences
--Uncle Brother shares a bed with a fellow roaraholic
--Deano, having survived the Ford Field frenzy, looks like crap and is barely conscious
--We marvel at how cool it is to have a smash mouth running attack, especially late in games
--We also marvel at Matty Staff, who looked better than ever and could not be stopped
--We wonder what the hell was going on with Sun God and Laporta, who did virtually nothing the entire game
--We applaud Jared's epic, 7-yard scamper for a crucial 1st down
--We love DC more than ever, after his impassioned halftime interview
--We are fucking pumped about the Jamo outburst!
--We're exhausted and wonder if we'll be able to hold up physically and mentally for the entire season.
--We end, as always, with a melodious 3-part harmonized Roar ... With Deano starting out in the deep end! Uncle Brother following with a note high enough in the register to force Lomas to go falsetto.
In short: It wasn't pretty, but it's a W, and we'll gladly take it.
Until next time,
Roar.
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Hola, Roar Nation!
The Roargasm is back, with a preseason episode that will blow your hair back and give you a roarection the size and duration of which will alarm you.
We review our responses to the annual preseason questionnaire (courtesy of Uncle Brother) to predict the Lion's fortunes.
And guess what?
We're (mostly) all in on the Lions going all the way! Seriously. We know, as lifelong Lions fans, that picking the Roar to win the Super Bowl seems insane. But that's where we are, bitches! It's SB or bust, baby!
We also debut two new songs: Deano's show-opening "Bite Them Caps" and Impossible Lomas' show-closing "Built for This Shit".
So join us, Roar Nation, on what is sure to be a wild ride!
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What's this? An offseason pod?
Hell yeah!
Deano, Uncle B, and Lomas are in peak offseason form for this low-energy episode. All we can really say is that Brad Holmes and DC have our unmitigated trust that they're making the right moves to shore up the D, stabilize the O line after the departure of Jonah Jackson, and generally keep things humming.
Query: Is next season Super Bowl or bust? Will anything less than a Bowl appearance equate to a failure? Seems unfathomable, right? Yet, here we are.
Another burning question: Is the new recording platform we're using roar-enabled? Listen to the end to find out!
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Where to begin?
With a newly revealed chapter of The Book of Jared, of course.
Lomas was AT THE GAME and lived to tell the tale.
Brad Johnson is coming back for another run at a chip!
Anyway, there are basically two ways to look at what happened: 1) The Lions had the game in hand and blew it, squandering a chance to go to the GODDAMN SUPER BOWL!; 2) The Lions are still a year or so away and needed to go through the agony of defeat to take the next step.
The Roargasm chooses route 2. Just like the Pistons in '87, the Roar will use the heartbreak of losing a game they should have won to fuel go into next season even hungrier, knowing they belong amongst the elite teams.
We shall most likely pod again before the beginning of next season. But until then, thank you for roaring with us throughout what's been a truly incredible and historic season. Study the Book of Jared, offer thanks to Ben Johnson, and keep ROARING!
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Ho hum. The Detroit Lions won another playoff game, at home against the Fuccaneers. No big deal, nothing to see here. EXCEPT THAT THE LIONS ARE PLAYING IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP!
We were the better team. We were at home. We were favored. And so of course we SHOULD have won. But damn, after 30 solid years of ineptitude and dashed dreams, it was hard to harbor too much hope.
And yet here we are. On to San Fran, a very scary and formidable team against whom we have absolutely nothing to lose. Anything is possible. Possible is anything. Let's go! ROAR!!!!!!
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It only took 30 years ... 3 solid decades of broken hopes and dreams ... multiple generations of roaraholics passing on the disease from father to son ... But, as God is our witness ...
THE DETROIT LIONS WON A GODDAMN PLAYOFF GAME!
Air-Low and Deano (all the way from the Holy Land!) phone in to help us process this historic moment. The game was about as good as it gets. Both teams balling out, doing their thing. Matty Staff was great, slinging no-look sidewinders all over the field. Jared was even better, remaining calm and collected throughout a really close game. Bottom line, Jared made the throws when it really mattered, leading the Lions to a fucking playoff victory.
We're in uncharted territory now, people. The last time the Lions ventured into the mystical land known as the Second Round, they got smoked. Let us beseech the football gods to grant the Roar good fortune against the Fucaneers. Roar.
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Yes, Lomas and Uncle Brother kept recording throughout the entire game. This one's for the truly hopeless roaraholics. Meaning anyone listening to this podcast. So, dive in, guys! See you on the other, glorious side!
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Uncle Brother and Lomas make the pilgrimage to South Haven to witness the most important Lions game in 30 years. We do all we can to keep our shit together as game time approaches.
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Recorded on a tropical Island, this infamous lost episode is finally unearthed and published!
To recap, Lomas and Deano were in the British Virgin Islands for a Wallbrook-mandated Roar detox program. Which did not work, since we watched the Roar once again get jobbed in Dallas by the Cockboys and the worst reffing crew in the NFL.
While Deano was away snorkeling, Lomas recorded from the beach with Uncle Brother, in the cold, windy (possibly also snowy) Chicagoland area. The idea was to record with Deano later, which never happened.
Anyhow, we bemoan the Roar winning, then losing on a clearly fucked up call by the refs. We decide that, in the world of RAA and The Roargasm, the Lions won in Dallas. That's our story, and we're sticking with it.
Inspired by the island setting, Lomas and UB invent the best TV show ever: Lions Fantasy Island. In each episode, roaraholics visit the island, met by a silver-haired Gary Danielson and a little person with the head of Wanye Fontes, to live out their Lions fantasies. But be careful what you wish for, as even the most hoped for Roar fantasy can--and will--have twists and turns you didn't see coming!
Anyhow, if you're listening to this episode after the pre-playoff episode, might wanna stop and listen to that episode first, Actually, do what you want. You're a grown man (we have only male listeners, I'm nearly certain).
Roar.
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That's right! Lambs! That's what we think of the pretty boys from LA coming into OUR HOUSE in the D!
Lomas has returned from the tropics, but Deano has once again set off, this time to Israel, to score some contraband Ejaculions. So, it's just Lomas and Uncle Brother this time. Until, that is, the bold entrance of none other than Air-Low! Like a wrestler storming the ring back in the days of Hillbilly Jim and The Iron Sheik!
We somehow simultaneously look back to the win against the Cockrings AND ahead to the epic matchup against Matty Staff and the Lambs. Uncle Brother and Air Low tag team up to convince Lomas that the Roar are the better team and should win ... and Lomas submits! (Lomas, who, by the way, totally nailed the 12-5 regular season prediction.)
Lomas and UB will convene in person in South Haven to watch the game, hoping that the scenic shores of Lake Michigan will help us somehow keep our shit together and our roaraholacism somewhat in check. Spoiler alert: It won't.
So, let us ROAR together into the playoffs, and pray that the playoff gods grant Sam LaPorta a speedy recovery!
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Welp, it only took 30 years, but the Roar are once again Kings in the North! Long live the King!
The Roargasm crew celebrates the Roar marching into Minnesota and taking down the Cockrings. Yes, our donkey ball sucking D gave up big yards to their 12th string QB, but we also picked him off 4 times. That dude is an all-time chucker, as likely to throw a Kenny Wobbler as he is to thread a 30-yard strike for a TD.
The offense, meanwhile, after a couple of shaky possessions, got going and did what they had to do against a very good defense. As benefiting a QB with a sacred book detailing his exploits, Jared was on fire, slicing and dicing and getting shit done. Gibbs and Monty continue to operate as a two-headed problem for opposing defenses.
Anyhow, Roar Nation, all that really matters is that the Lions are division kings with a home playoff game in the bag. But can we win said playoff game? What if it's against Matty Staff and the Rams (still working on a cock-related moniker)? We'll deal with that insanity if/when need be.
Until then, let us ROAR as one and celebrate this accomplishement!
ROAR!!!!!!
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