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Do opposites attract?
Are you really attracted to funny people or do you find attractive people funnier?
And which type of dating couple are you?
Researchers suggest that there are four types of dating couples and your type can influence whether the relationship lasts. Jess and Brandon explore these research topics in their last episode of 2023.
Check out AdamAndEve.com and use code DRJESS50 to save 50% off almost any one item with FREE shipping.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Episode 344
4 Types of Couples -- Which One Are You?
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
[00:00:15] Jess O'Reilly: Alright, alright. Are we ready to talk about four types of couples?
[00:00:17] Brandon Ware: I'm always ready to talk about four types of couples. Which four types of couples are we talking about?
[00:00:21] Jess O'Reilly: Four types of couples. Which one are you? It reminds me of like a quiz. What type of onion are you?
[00:00:26] Brandon Ware: I'm a white onion.
[00:00:28] Jess O'Reilly: You are a white onion.
[00:00:28] Brandon Ware: Because I can only name two types of onions.
[00:00:30] Jess O'Reilly: What's the other one?
[00:00:31] Brandon Ware: Red onions.
[00:00:32] Jess O'Reilly: What about Vidalia?
[00:00:33] Brandon Ware: I don't know what that is.
[00:00:34] Jess O'Reilly: Green.
[00:00:35] Brandon Ware: Sure. Green.
[00:00:35] Jess O'Reilly: Yes. Spanish.
[00:00:36] Brandon Ware: Okay. Listen, listen.
[00:00:38] Jess O'Reilly: Shallot.
[00:00:38] Brandon Ware: Onion connoisseur.
[00:00:41] Jess O'Reilly: I like an onion. So we'll be talking about four types of couples and some research. But before we do that, I wanted to very briefly dive into some other research and data that I've come across this week.
[00:00:51] Jess O'Reilly: And we have a little announcement at the end, I guess before we dive into it, I need to shout out adamandeve. com because they've got a big, big, big sale going on. And. You can save 50 percent off almost any single item plus free shipping and rush handling with code. Dr. Jess 50,
[00:01:08] Brandon Ware: Dr. Jess 50.
[00:01:09] Jess O'Reilly: Go buy something that vibrates something. Okay. Question for you.
[00:01:12] Brandon Ware: Yes.
[00:01:12] Jess O'Reilly: Are funny people more attractive to you?
[00:01:15] Brandon Ware: Funny people are more attractive.
[00:01:16] Jess O'Reilly: Like, are you attracted to funny people?
[00:01:18] Brandon Ware: Yes.
[00:01:19] Jess O'Reilly: Hang on. Am I funny?
[00:01:19] Brandon Ware: Hold on. Yes. You're very funny, but what, but what else is like, what's the and
[00:01:24] Jess O'Reilly: well, the question is, are you attracted to humor? Or do you find attractive people funnier?
[00:01:29] Jess O'Reilly: Okay. I'm going to just say this. So I noticed that every little joke, like every little snide remark, every little kind of anything I say, that's even a little bit funny, I noticed you really laugh at, and I'm like, this guy's my biggest fan, but
[00:01:41] Brandon Ware: I'm your biggest fan. For sure.
[00:01:42] Jess O'Reilly: Is it because I'm funny? Is it because you get my jokes or is it because you just like me?
[00:01:46] Brandon Ware: I think it's a combination of all those things. But I also think that I don't want somebody who's. -
Isle McElroy joins Jess and Brandon to talk about intimacy, vulnerability and sex -- on paper and in the flesh. An award-winning non-binary author based in New York, McElroy's latest novel People Collide is a gender-bending, body-switching story exploring marriage, identity, and sex, which delves into questions about the nature of true partnership. Isle shares personal insights on what makes for a good sex scene, how inadequacy plays out in relationships and what they've learned from rethinking sex and pleasure.
To learn more about Isle McElroy, check out their social media - Instagram and Twitter
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Episode 343
Sex, Gender & Intimacy: People Collide with Isle McElroy
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
[00:00:15] Brandon Ware: Hey, hey, today we're talking about sex, gender, and intimacy with Isle McElroy, an award winning non binary author based in New York, whose latest novel, People Collide, is a gender bending, body switching story about marriage, identity, and sex, which delves into questions about the nature of true partnership.
[00:00:31] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah, and this story isn't your traditional kind of body swap, you know, thinking Freaky Fridays. So the story is... Eli, when Eli, the main character, leaves the cramped Bulgarian apartment, he shares with his wife, Elizabeth, who's more organized, more successful than he is. He discovers that he now inhabits her body.
[00:00:48] Jess O'Reilly: So not only have he and his wife traded bodies, but Elizabeth living as Eli, has disappeared without a trace, and what follows is Eli's search across Europe, to America, to find his missing wife, and an exploration of gender and embodied experience. As Eli comes closer to finding Elizabeth while learning to exist in her body, he begins to wonder what effect this metamorphosis will have on their relationship, and how long he can maintain the illusion of of living as someone he isn't.
[00:01:17] Jess O'Reilly: And the questions, you know, are will their new marriage wither completely in each other's bodies, or is this transformation the very thing Eli and Elizabeth need for their marriage? to thrive. So I'm really looking forward to this conversation. I've been reading the book. I'm almost done. I thought I'd be done by today, but I have a lot of questions about some of the messaging and themes, and I think it's going to be a great conversation.
[00:01:37] Jess O'Reilly: Now, before we welcome our guest, I'll want to announce a partnership with fellow podcasters Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women. The podcast, season two, is out now and it's hosted by Nana Darkwa Sakiyama and Malaika Grant. The podcast explores African women's experiences of sex, sexuality, [00:02:00] and pleasure and they have a host of fabulous guests in their bedroom this season.
[00:02:05] Jess O'Reilly: They have top sexpert Ohlone from the UK, fabulous comedienne Yvonne Orji. Feminist powerhouse, Mona Altahawe, and many, many more. And they're asking all their guests, what's your sexy secret? What's your secret, babe?
[00:02:19] Brandon Ware: I can't tell you. It's a secret. That's why it's a secret.
[00:02:21] Jess O'Reilly: So predictable. Okay. That and so much more in the new season of the Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women podcast out now.
[00:02:30] Jess O'Reilly: Listen, -
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What are the signs of burnout, and how do they - show up in relationships?
How might the Conservation of Resources theory apply to personal relationships?
And how can we use the Conservation of Resource lens to manage burnout and improve relationships?
Jess & Brandon discuss these topics and more while exploring specific strategies for dealing with burnout in - the context of personal relationships. Check out the transcript below, and be sure to click here to learn more about the upcoming Temptation Cruise departing from Miami in February 2024.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Episode 342
Managing Burnout In Relationships: Conservation of Resource Theory
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
[00:00:15] Jess O'Reilly: Mr. Brandon Ware, how you feeling today?
[00:00:17] Brandon Ware: I'm good. I'm good. I'm a little bit tired. I'm good.
[00:00:19] Jess O'Reilly: A little bit worn out.
[00:00:20] Brandon Ware: Just, just a touch.
[00:00:21] Jess O'Reilly: This is what I'm hearing across the board.
[00:00:23] Brandon Ware: Yeah. I hear it from a lot of people these days.
[00:00:25] Jess O'Reilly: I didn't even prep you for it. I'm like, if I ask how you're doing, I know you're going to say you're a little worn out because it seems like everybody's feeling that way. You know, I'm hearing from friends who describe their state as frozen.
[00:00:36] Brandon Ware: I haven't heard frozen before.
[00:00:37] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah. Actually two different friends last week said that they feel frozen. Like they don't even feel like replying in our group texts. They don't even feel like talking about what's going on in the world because folks are feeling exhausted and sad. And I think there's a sense of. Hopelessness around some of the, the big issues and power and the way things are shifting and seeing how, you know, even economies are, are shifting so that it's making it harder for people to live.
[00:01:05] Brandon Ware: I thought you were going to make reference to, so the feeling numbness, but also the inability to move, is that what you're saying? So it's kind of twofold.
[00:01:12] Jess O'Reilly: Right. Cause we think about fight. Or flight, freeze is another response, fawn is another response, but we're not talking about that today. I want to talk about burnout.
[00:01:21] Jess O'Reilly: So I think most folks have heard me talk about the bulk of my work is this marriage as a business program, where I take business models and adapt them to relationships for business leaders. And that's my favorite part of my job. It's super fun. And it's really interesting because it's not like every model can just be.
[00:01:36] Jess O'Reilly: Shifted into another realm perfectly, but I think they can be adapted and no model is perfect. No theory is perfect, especially when you're looking at, you know, for example, organizational psychology. But I was thinking that it'd be interesting to apply this to burnout today because it seems to be the theme in all the private messages I'm reading and in my friend groups right now.
[00:01:51] Jess O'Reilly: And yeah, I was thinking about applying. some theories to burnout today with a lens of an organizational psychology theory, conservation of resources, which I know you're familiar [00:02:00] with. Yes, I am. Studying organizational psych. And I was thinking that we could talk briefly ... -
How do you keep things exciting amid a repetitive routine?
How can adults be more playful (because playfulness is associated with happier relationships & hotter sex)?
What simple changes can you implement to make your daily interactions more fun, passionate and erotic, even if you're super busy?
You’re not a light switch, so you likely can’t get turned on in the blink of an eye. This week, to celebrate our wedding anniversary, we share 20+ specific strategies and action items you can use to make your relationship more romantic, intimate and erotic.
If you’re looking to add a new toy to your collection or for something that will buzz and vibrate bringing new and intense pleasure, check out our friends at Lovehoney, We-Vibe and Womanizer. Use code DRJESS15 at checkout to save!
Big thanks to our sponsors AdamandEve.com — use code DRJESS50 to save 50% off almost any single item + get FREE gifts and free shipping. From dildos to butt plugs to lube and lingerie, they’ve got you covered.
Check out AdamAndEve.com and use code DRJESS50 to save 50% off almost any one item with FREE shipping.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Episode 341 - Eroticize Daily Interactions: 20 Actionable Tips For Busy Couples
Intro: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight.
Dr. Jess: Hey, we've got a replay of one of my favorite topics, one of my favorite episodes on eroticizing daily interactions from April 2021, so you might hear some references to a totally different time. It's a time warp.
Brandon: Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I am your co host, Brandon Ware, here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, hey. How are you?
Dr. Jess: I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. I'm interested in this conversation for the two of us as well.
We're going to be talking about how to make your daily interactions more erotic and What are you laughing at?
Brandon: I'm immediately thinking about eating a banana.
Dr. Jess: Oh my gosh, because in my presentations I always talk about how [00:01:00] to eroticize daily interactions because you're not a light switch. You can't go from talking about your taxes and your work and your kids and whether or not your dog had a bowel movement on its last walk to just flipping the switch and being, oh, hi.
Hey. Tear my clothes off, right? And my joke is when I say To eroticize your daily interactions. I don't mean make everything annoyingly erotic, right? I don't want to be eating a banana and have Brandon look over and be like, Oh yeah, you eat that banana. That's what I'm talking about. It's really more about playfulness and flirtation and I don't know, all these different ways to be erotic.
It doesn't have to be super sexual or graphic. So we're going to be getting into that. I mean, I guess before we do, I should ask you, Do you feel like our interactions are particularly erotic?
Brandon: I don't think that I'm an erotic person. I feel very self conscious whenever I'm [00:02:00] trying to do something that I think is erotic, whether I've seen it on, you know, TV, movie, somewhere, I feel like a goof doing it.
So when I see people who are genuinely erotic and they just exude the sex appeal, I'm, I'm like, good on you because when I try that, I feel like I look like a goof. I don't know. Or I sound like a girl. Hey,
Dr. Jess: yeah. No, but you are naturally charming. Like flirtation is sort of charming. -
Do you want to...
Bicker less and catch yourself before you start?
Stay calm and empathetic during conflict?
Feel more at ease and connected so - that you're less inclined to fight?
Tune in for a discussion - of why we bicker and 12 simple strategies to reduce conflict in relationships as Jess and Brandon weigh in on this listener question: "We love each other madly. He’s really the love of my life, and we don’t seem to have any big, deep issues because we’re really aligned - on values, family, spirituality, and the core issues. But we bicker a lot. I don’t like - the example we’re setting for our kids. How can we cut back on the daily bickering so our household is more at ease and we have more peace - because we both work from home."
Check out AdamAndEve.com and use code DRJESS50 to save 50% off almost any one item with FREE shipping.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Episode 340
How To Stop Bickering: 12 Strategies
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
[00:00:15] Jess O'Reilly: Let's bicker.
[00:00:16] Brandon Ware: Let's, what are we going to bicker over?
[00:00:18] Jess O'Reilly: You splashing all over the place in the bathroom. Like you're some sort of a hippo in the tub.
[00:00:22] Brandon Ware: Well, I can't help it because the sink is too small.
[00:00:25] Jess O'Reilly: Cause your head's big.
[00:00:26] Brandon Ware: I got a big face. Well, you know what? You make a mess sometimes.
[00:00:31] Jess O'Reilly: We absolutely suck. We suck at this. We're supposed to be talking about bickering today, but when you put us on the spot, listen, when we're in the middle of a bicker, we got it.
[00:00:39] Brandon Ware: Things are real.
[00:00:40] Jess O'Reilly: We've got it down, but to fake it seems really hard.
[00:00:43] Jess O'Reilly: Uh, we're going to talk about how to stop bickering and having little daily arguments today. We have a question from, uh, from a listener, and this is a question I kind of get over and over. And over again, because life can be stressful and life can be busy. And I think that's one of the big reasons we bicker.
[00:00:58] Jess O'Reilly: So before we dive into it, want to shout out our sponsors, Adam and Eve. com. They are offering 50 percent off almost any item plus free shipping, plus free handling, which is Brandon's favorite part with code Dr. Jess 50. So check out Adam and Eve. com. Bildos, vibrators, butt plugs, other fun things that you can use in your body.
[00:01:19] Jess O'Reilly: Adam and Eve. com code. Dr. Jess 50. All right, let's dive right into it.
[00:01:23] Brandon Ware: Let's, are we going to continue bickering or is, is this where it stops?
[00:01:26] Jess O'Reilly: No, we're going to start bickering.
[00:01:28] Brandon Ware: Let's do it. Yeah. Amazing.
[00:01:29] Jess O'Reilly: Okay. So we have this note, uh, there's a bit of a preamble, but the bulk of it is we love each other madly.
[00:01:35] Jess O'Reilly: He's really the love of my life. And we don't seem to have any big deep issues because we're totally aligned on values, family, spirituality, and all the core issues. But we bicker. A lot. I mean, nonstop. And I don't like the example we're setting for our kids. How can we cut back on the daily bickering so our household is more at ease and we have more peace because we both work from home? -
In this Q&A, Jess and Brandon weigh in on listener queries related to "work spouses", dealing with a partner who refuses to go to therapy and "love tattoos":"My husband has a coworker who introduced herself to me as his work wife. I didn’t even know how to respond. When I talked to him about it, he said she was just kidding around. I think it’s inappropriate. He says it’s no big deal. Who is right?""What do you do if your partner refuses; to go to therapy - but the relationship is on the rocks? Asking for a friend.""I just turned 18, and I’ve been dating a guy - who is a few years older than me. He comes from money, so he’s shown me a lot of things I’ve never seen before. It has only been a few months, and he wants me to get a matching tattoo. What should I do?"Check out AdamAndEve.com and use code DRJESS50 to save 50% off almost any one item with FREE shipping.And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!Rough Transcript:This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.Episode 339Candid Conversations: Managing the 'Work Spouse' and Therapy Avoidance[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.[00:00:15] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm your cohost, Brandon Ware here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, how are you doing?[00:00:22] Jess O'Reilly: I'm good. I can see that you're putting on a brave face. I am putting on a brave face.[00:00:26] Jess O'Reilly: You know how I know you're having a date.[00:00:29] Brandon Ware: How? What's my tell? What's my tell? Is it Terry's?[00:00:33] Jess O'Reilly: It's your, it's your left peck. It's my left peck. It's your left peck. It's that I saw the app from your ring on your phone and your stress was way up at the top.[00:00:42] Brandon Ware: So I have an Aura ring and it monitors all your vitals and they just released a stress feature.[00:00:48] Brandon Ware: I'm stressed out today.[00:00:49] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah, left peck going hard.[00:00:51] Brandon Ware: I feel like some people need to talk it out with somebody other than me.[00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: So I think so many of us run into this. I'm not going to obviously speak specifically about your situation. I know what's going on, but I think that sometimes you have people in your lives.[00:01:05] Jess O'Reilly: Whether they be friends, or clients, or co workers, or just people in your family, who, they have their own anxiety, and they try and attenuate that anxiety through you. And I don't mean they're dumping their problems on you, but they may be actually, in your case, they are actually saying, here are my problems, fix them, even though you can't.[00:01:25] Jess O'Reilly: But, They expect you to kind of jump and dance and twist and twirl around their anxiety as though their urgency is your emergency.[00:01:36] Brandon Ware: Ooh, that's a good one. I have heard that before, but their urgency is my emergency. Yes.[00:01:40] Jess O'Reilly: I think it's Luna who I first heard say that.[00:01:42] Brandon Ware: Was that Luna? Luna Matadas?[00:01:43] Jess O'Reilly: It rhymes, you know.[00:01:44] Brandon Ware: It rhymes. I love that. She's a rhymer. She's a plumber. Uh, I, I would agree with that wholeheartedly, and I think once you start paying attention to that, it's easier for me to realize that, Hey, listen, this isn't my problem. This is your problem. And I want to support you.
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How do you define cheating?
And how do you recover once trust has been broken?
How do you deal with sexual pressure from a partner?
Womanizer Premium Eco
Jess and Brandon weigh in on personal questions from listeners. They also share an offer from Womanizer in honour of Breast Cancer Awareness Month: if you're a survivor, request your Womanizer Premium Eco by emailing info at sexwithdrjess dot com.
If you have podcast questions, please submit them here. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Sex & Relationship Q&A: Cheating, Trust & Sexual Pressure
Episode 338
[00:00:00] Jess O'Reilly: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Hey, hey, we're back at it after a week off. Are you, are you feeling rested?
[00:00:19] Brandon Ware: I feel refreshed.
[00:00:20] Jess O'Reilly: You do?
[00:00:21] Brandon Ware: Not at all.
[00:00:22] Jess O'Reilly: In 400 or so episodes, or maybe we're not quite at 400. I think we've only missed two weeks.
[00:00:27] Brandon Ware: About three 50. And that's impressive that you've only missed. Two weeks.
[00:00:30] Jess O'Reilly: Is it? For me it is. For another person who's not as, uh, commitment phobic. Not that impressive, but apologies for missing last week. Not gonna get into it, but happy to, happy to be back chatting with you today, babe. Yeah, always happy to be here.
[00:00:43] Jess O'Reilly: We've got some questions from some listeners that, uh, I'm always kind of intrigued by and intrigued to hear what you have to say and what others think. So we do have a bit of an alternative sponsor for Breast Cancer Awareness Month as well. Uh, because cancer diagnosis and treatment have repeatedly been shown to adversely affect sexual function.
[00:01:03] Jess O'Reilly: We know that, for example, 83% of breast cancer survivors meet the clinical criteria for sexual dysfunction. We know that a very small percentage actually receive supports in this area. So our sponsored womanizer has. partnered with charity, the leading research hospital in Berlin for a breast cancer clinical study on sexuality and libido for breast cancer survivors.
[00:01:25] Jess O'Reilly: And they already have some preliminary data in this study showing that masturbating helps with libido loss and sexual self worth in breast cancer survivors who have undergone treatment. So I am looking forward to seeing some of those. Some of those formal results once published, and Erica Hart, who is a fellow sex educator, they're an activist, a breast cancer survivor themself, they advocate for an active pleasure approach to breast cancer survivors treatment.
[00:01:51] Jess O'Reilly: They are also on board as part of the project. And the reason we're bringing this up is that Womanizer, you know I'm a fan of this brand, a huge fan of their [00:02:00] technology, Womanizer is giving away. a whole lot of premium ecos. So those are their premium version of womanizers, but they're recyclable. So they're made from recyclable material.
[00:02:12] Jess O'Reilly: The product itself is recyclable. It uses less packaging, all that jazz. And so if you are a survivor and you're interested in a free womanizer premium eco, just let me know. So shoot an email over to our admin over here at sexwithdrjess, it's info at sexwithdrjess. com. Just let us know you'd like one and you need to send your name and shipping address and we'll have it shipped out to you.
[00:02:37] Jess O'Reilly: So if you're a breast canc... -
In Part II of our threesome discussion, we share questions and prompts to consider before you have a threesome — for individuals and couples. We also share some of our listeners’ insights on threesomes and discuss couples’ privilege.
Check out the questionnaires below, and be sure to check out AdamAndEve.com and use code DRJESS50 to save 50% off almost any item with FREE shipping + VIP rush processing.
Threesomes: Self-Questionnaire
Why do you want to have a threesome?
Where did the idea of a threesome come from?
How do you feel about this source?
What benefits do you expect to derive from a threesome?
What are the perceived risks/costs?
With whom would you like to have a threesome?
Do you know if they’re open to it?
How might your relationship with your threesome mates change post-threesome?
What excites you most about a threesome?
What motivates you?
What concerns you about a threesome?
Do you have any hesitations?
What emotional elements of a threesome have you considered?
How will you manage potentially challenging emotions should they arise?
Do you feel comfortable communicating your desires and boundaries?
What conditions increase your comfort level with open communication?
What does your ideal threesome entail?
Consider the setting, relationships, involved parties, sex acts, etc...
Threesomes: Managing Jealousy, Insecurity & Distress
Am I comfortable admitting to feelings of jealousy, insecurity and distress?
I tend to feel jealous/insecure/distressed when…
When I feel jealous/insecure/distressed, it shows up in my body as…(emotional presence)
When I feel jealous/insecure/distressed, I want to…
When I feel jealous/insecure/distressed, I can self-soothe by…
When I feel jealous/insecure/distressed, I’d like you to…
When I feel jealous/insecure/distressed, I don’t want you to…
You’ll know when I feel jealous/insecure/distressed when I…
Some other cues to look for include…
Threesomes: Couples’ Questionnaire
Whose idea was it? Do you feel any pressure?
Have you (in)directly pressured your partner?
Why do you/we want to have a threesome?
What do you/we hope to get out of the experience?
What are my/our concerns about the experience?
Have we talked about jealousy, insecurity and other potentially challenging emotions we might encounter?
What would it look like if it goes well?
What might it look like if something goes awry?
How will we communicate and respond?
What do we value in a third party?
What type of person do we want to connect with?
Do we want to involve a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend and/or a sex worker?
Have we considered our couples’ privilege and how we can ensure that all voices are heard and respected?
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Episode 337
How To Plan A Successful Threesome
[00:00:00] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. And I'm looking at Dr. Jess with a giant smile on her face.
[00:00:05] Jess O'Reilly: You like that? It's a Terry Crews smile.
[00:00:06] Brandon Ware: I do like that smile.
[00:00:08] Jess O'Reilly: Okay.
[00:00:08] Brandon Ware: Why are you so happy?
[00:00:09] Jess O'Reilly: Because you walk past my laptop just now and I shut it. So you wouldn't see what was on it.
[00:00:14] Brandon Ware: I, nothing shocks me.
[00:00:15] Brandon Ware: Nothing surprises me. -
Most people fantasize about threesomes, but not many people - actually dive in. In part I of our Threesomes podcast, we dive into the data and get some practical advice from Justin Lehmiller - who answers your questions including:
How common are threesomes?
What counts as a threesome?
How does a threesome affect relationships for couples?
Who is having threesomes?
How do people find threesomes (e.g. through apps like Feeld)?
What’s the appeal of threesomes?
Next week, we’ll dive into how to prep for a threesome with prompts, conversations and more!
Save with code PODCAST on the Mindful Sex Course on the Happier Couples website.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
All About Threesomes
Episode 336
[00:00:00] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, we are talking threesomes today and we are doing a throwback to a two part series with Dr. Justin Lehmiller on the doc today, because I received three questions about threesomes over the weekend and I think it's a sign. So here we go. Have a listen to this throwback with Dr. Justin Lehmiller.
[00:00:27] Jess O'Reilly: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
[00:00:38] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm your co host Brandon Ware here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess.
[00:00:45] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, we are talking threesomes today and it fits that today's episode is brought to you by FIELD. And FIELD is the first dating app for couples and singles. They're a pioneer in allowing couples to kind of explore dating together as a pair, and they're open to all genders, all sexual identities,
[00:01:13] Jess O'Reilly: all sexual orientations from basically for anyone who's interested in either ethical non monogamy or alternative relationship structures, or simply those who are curious and looking to kind of dip their toe into the pond. So do check them out. Field is spelt feel and a D so F E E L D and you can download the field app.
[00:01:25] Jess O'Reilly: It's free and you create a profile. And once you have liked someone and they've liked you back on the app. You become connections and you're able to chat. And if you want to, you can share photos and they also often offer an upgraded membership option with extra features. And yeah, so do check out FIELD.
[00:01:43] Jess O'Reilly: They're one of the largest online communities for fun stuff like this. And it's interesting. I actually came across FIELD in my research a few years ago. when I was prepping a training for therapists on threesomes and ethical non monogamy and they really are the [00:02:00] perfect partner for this podcast because we're talking about threesomes and of course there are people on field looking for threesomes and later we're going to be talking with their expert Dr.
[00:02:08] Jess O'Reilly: Justin Leigh. But before he joins us, I wanted to kind of dig into some of the data on threesomes. And later on, I also want to talk if we have time about how to prepare for a threesome, like in terms of communication and reflection and just topics to address before you start exploring. I don't know how much time we'll have.
[00:02:27] Jess O'Reilly: I might have to split it into a couple episodes, but we will get there. It's interesting because when you think about. Threesomes. Don't you think porn has kind of made threesomes seem like, like they're the norm. Everybody's doing them. Yeah, I mean when -
Curious about kink, spanking, ethical porn and how to have better sex?
The inimitable King Noire shares his perspective of pleasure, pansexuality, performance and much more in this candid conversation with Jess & Brandon.
King Noire is an accomplished and award-winning writer, porn performer, artist, Master Fetish Trainer, MC, and global activist using the proceeds of his album ‘Music Is My Weapon’ to build a school, freshwater well, and medical clinic in West Africa. He raises consciousness around kink safety for people of color, provides lectures on the decolonization of sexuality, and offers sex education to audiences ranging from college students to medical providers.
Check out King Noire's website here, and follow him on his social media accounts - Instagram and Twitter.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Pleasure, Spanking & Masculinity with King Noire
Episode 335
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
[00:00:15] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, we are here in Atlanta at sex down south with the King Noir. I have to read your bio before you come on. It's the boys. King Noir is an accomplished award winning writer, porn performer. Artist, master fetish trainer, MC, we're going to be playing his music, global activist who uses the proceeds of his album, Music is My Weapon, to build a school, a freshwater well, a medical clinic in West Africa.
[00:00:40] Jess O'Reilly: He raises consciousness around kink safety for people of color. He provides lectures on the decolonization of sexuality and offers sex education to audiences ranging from college students to medical providers to those of us in the field. You have a big following. Thank you so much for being here.
[00:00:56] King Noire: Thank you.
[00:00:56] King Noire: Thank you for having me. It's good to be back. All right.
[00:00:58] Jess O'Reilly: So you just, you won a big award, a big award in the industry. So Urban X Awards, Pansexual Performer of the Year.
[00:01:06] King Noire: Yep.
[00:01:06] Jess O'Reilly: What's that mean, Pansexual Performer?
[00:01:08] King Noire: Oh, shit. It's interesting because I think this might have been either one of the, either the first or one of the first years that they've actually had that as an award.
[00:01:16] Jess O'Reilly: Okay.
[00:01:17] King Noire: So I'm honored to win it either way. I think. Pansexual as I guess as a sexuality is kind of like you fuck who you're attracted to and you don't let Gender or orientation or anything like that get in the way of you fucking who you want to fuck. I like that That's that's how I define it and then I think for the award I think the reason that I was even nominated for that award is because I do a lot of work with trans performers as well as cisgender performers, so I was extremely honored to get it cuz We putting in work.
[00:01:49] King Noire: So I want, I want to be honored for that work and it feels good to be honored by, you know, Urban X's is big in the industry. So it's like people are seeing it. People are acknowledging it. And a [00:02:00] lot of times they think that, you know, black men can't do it. So that's like one of those things. That's just another arena that we're looking to.
[00:02:07] King Noire: Expand people's sexual pleasure and understanding.
[00:02:11] Jess O'Reilly: And pleasure is pleasure, isn't it?
[00:02:12] King Noire: Facts. -
How do you cultivate deeper connections through communication?
How can you summon compassion in the heat of conflict?
How do you define non-violent communication?
What is polyvagal theory?
Sander T. Jones joins Jess and Brandon to explore these questions and share additional concepts from their book, Cultivating Connection: A Practical Guide for Personal and Relationship Growth in ethical non-monogamy.Â
Sander is a licensed clinical social worker, certified hypnotherapist, and author in Atlanta, Georgia with over a decade of experience working with people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, people in the kink/BDSM/Leather communities, LGBTQ+ communities, and people doing voluntary sex work. As a relationship therapist they have taught hundreds of people the steps and principles for repairing relationship bonds and then deepening those bonds through collaborative communication, respecting the rights and autonomy of themselves and their partners, being aware of interpersonal power, and avoiding the abuse of that power when it arises in our relationships. You can contact Sander at SanderTJones.com and following on Facebook and Instagram.
Save with code PODCAST on the Mindful Sex Course on the Happier Couples website.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
A Guide to Compassionate Communication
Episode 334
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight
[00:00:15] Jess O'Reilly: here in Atlanta at sex down south. And the reason you know, we're at six down south is that I have no voice left.
[00:00:21] Brandon Ware: I was going to say, you got your sexy voice going on.
[00:00:23] Jess O'Reilly: Oh my dear God. And it's not from being in the dungeon.
[00:00:25] Jess O'Reilly: It's not from doing anything fun. I think it's just from dry air.
[00:00:28] Brandon Ware: You should have said it was something fun.
[00:00:29] Jess O'Reilly: I know. I know. I wish it was something more fun, but we are having a great time. And if you've ever listened before and heard me talk about Sex Town South, I think it's the most brilliant sex conference.
[00:00:39] Jess O'Reilly: It is my absolute favorite. Uh, I'm such a massive fan of Marla and Tia, the founders. Marla, of course, is the coauthor of our latest book. And, uh, among the brilliant minds who are presenting here in Atlanta, we have with us right now, Sander T. Jones, a licensed clinical social worker, certified hypnotherapist.
[00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: Ooh, I want to ask you about that. author. Uh, you're located in Atlanta. You have over a decade of experience and you've recently released Cultivating Connection, a practical guide for personal and relationship growth in ethical non monogamy. Thank you for chatting with us.
[00:01:08] Sander T. Jones: Thank you so much for having me.
[00:01:10] Sander T. Jones: It's really an honor to be on your show.
[00:01:11] Jess O'Reilly: Oh, well, we're, we're so appreciative. I'm excited to learn from you. I've looked over all of the wealth of info. in your latest book, Cultivating Connection. I think it's your first book, right? It is my first book. Yes. Congrats on that. Well, first and foremost, tell us about you.
[00:01:24] Jess O'Reilly: Tell us a little bit about your background, professional, personal, anything you feel like sharing.
[00:01:27] Sander T. Jones: Okay. Professional background. -
Couples in The Lifestyle (AKA Swingers) practice a form of ethical non-monogamy that usually involves sex play with other singles and/or couples.
In this quickie episode, Jess and Brandon discuss advice from three swinger couples who share their insights for happier relationships (and, by extension, hotter sex).
If you're here for the Womanizer X Lovehoney Advent Calendar, CLICK HERE, and be sure - to use code DRJESS to save.
If you have podcast questions, please submit them here. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
3 Sex & Relationship Lessons From "Lifestyle" Couples
Episode 333
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight.
[00:00:15] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Dr. Jess, how are you feeling today?
[00:00:19] Jess O'Reilly: I'm feeling all right. I'm feeling good. Talk to me. Why is that? We have just disembarked the Desire Cruise, and I don't know if this was maybe number six for us in terms of Desire Cruising, but we just came off a week in Greece with one stop in Turkey.
[00:00:33] Jess O'Reilly: It was a lot of fun, but it was pretty intense.
[00:00:34] Brandon Ware: Yeah, it was intense.
[00:00:36] Jess O'Reilly: Lots of socializing.
[00:00:38] Brandon Ware: Yeah, that's an understatement. I always like to party. Oh my gosh. I can't keep up. I don't know. I gotta, I gotta tell you, I don't know how they do it. They're up at like seven in the morning and they party hard until like three in the morning.
[00:00:49] Jess O'Reilly: Is that, is that their schedule? I don't know. I'm asleep long before
[00:00:52] Brandon Ware: that. I'm, I'm, I'm impressed.
[00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: But it's super friendly crowd. Oh yeah. Like it's so much fun while you're on, but then, you know, when you come off of something that's so highly social, at least me. Oh, I feel like a total drop. I just need to be quiet for a bit.
[00:01:07] Jess O'Reilly: Need some time to chill. Yes. Now we are also on route to Atlanta for Sex Town South via Toronto. Very excited for this. So this is definitely a quickie episode because we just don't have a lot of time. We're stopping in Toronto overnight. So that I can feed my dad and see my mom and my stepdad. Check on my plants.
[00:01:26] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah, drop off my cleats to my friend's house because I'm gonna, I need her to carry them to a tournament for me in Montreal. But what for? What are you playing? We're not talking about that right now. Okay, I play Ultimate and Brandon likes to make fun of it.
[00:01:39] Brandon Ware: Hope Adam's listening right now. Adam Maurer.
[00:01:41] Jess O'Reilly: Oh my gosh.
[00:01:42] Brandon Ware: I feel like we've bonded over this.
[00:01:43] Jess O'Reilly: Brandon calls it Frisbee. If I call it Frisbee, people who play Ultimate are going to get mad at me, but it's the least Ultimate. It's Ultimate. Anyhow, we have a short amount of time, so we are going to get in to three lessons that I learned from lifestyle couples on the cruise.[00:02:00]
[00:02:00] Jess O'Reilly: Three lessons from swingers, basically. These couples are swingers now. Definitely not all the couples on the cruise are swingers or lifestylers. I want to say it's about 50 50. Yeah, I would, I would say so. But everybody's pretty open minded. There's a lot of, you know, playfulness. A lot of flirtation. A lot of flirtation, but not, uh, I don't know. -
Happy couples from across the globe share their best advice for richer relationships. From the relational to the emotional to the sexual, the happiest couples - of all ages weigh in on what makes their relationships thrive.
This episode is brought to you by Desire Cruises - a unique experience for adventurous couples! Join us as we cruise to the Greek Isles in August and the South of France next Spring 2024.
If you have podcast questions, please submit them here. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Top Relationship Tips From Happier Couples: 8 Secrets To Success
Episode 332
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight.
[00:00:13] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. And today we are about to head out on the desire cruise.
[00:00:21] Jess O'Reilly: That's right. We're hitting the Greek isles. We're hitting Turkey. You're going to make a cruise sound.
[00:00:26] Brandon Ware: No, I'm, I'm so much more mature than that.
[00:00:28] Brandon Ware: Don't you know me better?
[00:00:29] Jess O'Reilly: I can see you. Yeah. Yeah. Why does your boat sound like a donkey?
[00:00:34] Brandon Ware: I don't know. It just does.
[00:00:35] Jess O'Reilly: If I heard that sound, I'm not getting on the boat.
[00:00:37] Brandon Ware: Yeah. Okay.
[00:00:37] Jess O'Reilly: So, pretty excited. This is, I don't know. Is this our sixth Desire Cruise?
[00:00:41] Brandon Ware: I believe that it is.
[00:00:42] Jess O'Reilly: We've been on pretty much all of them except the ones over New Year's because that's our week off.
[00:00:47] Jess O'Reilly: And every time we're on board, I'm collecting information. Not necessarily... data, but people's insights and experiences because it's just such a broad range of guests here. So there are around 700 people on board. There are 44 countries represented. I don't have the breakdown of this specific cruise, but from the last one, a few months ago, from that, I know that there were of the 700, around 300 Americans, 50 Canadians, 57 Mexicans.
[00:01:16] Jess O'Reilly: Handful from India, 16 Brazilians, another handful of Colombians, around a hundred from Europe. When I kind of look, okay, that's the UK. They've exited. I did.
[00:01:29] Brandon Ware: I also did the German though, or maybe it was Austrian.
[00:01:31] Jess O'Reilly: Actually UK is a big contingent. I don't know why I didn't write them down, but there's a good number from the UK.
[00:01:36] Jess O'Reilly: Folks from New Zealand, Singapore, South Africa, Taiwan, a nice contingent from. Central and South America. So I met Chileans, Costa Ricans, Ecuadorians, Venezuelans, a handful from Lebanon. I met a couple from Korea. And so, and there's, there's kind of a broad age range, right there. I think there might be a couple who are quite young in their twenties, but just like a handful of, let's be [00:02:00] honest, women.
[00:02:00] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah. I don't think there's any guys in their twenties, then a handful in their thirties, many in their forties. And then a bunch in their fifties and beyond. And so for me, there's just so much learning here because people hail from all over the world. They come on this cruise for so many different reasons.
[00:02:16] Jess O'Reilly: You know, I've spoken about this before that yes, it's clothing optional in certain areas. Yes, it's erotic themed. Yes, there are very interactive workshops and there's even a playroom shoul... -
Has your partner lied to you about their finances?
Have you ever hid spending (or debt) from a partner?
Do you and your partner disagree about money - saving, spending, sharing, etc?
Do you struggle to talk about money without fighting?
What constitutes 'cheating' or financial fidelity?
Jess and Brandon discuss their experience with financial infidelity and dive into why people lie about money. They also share prompts & language to help you navigate sensitive conversations related to financial values.
Be sure to check out Bloomi in a Target near you, or check out their website for your Bloomi needs.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Financial Infidelity & How To Talk About Money
Episode 331
[00:00:00] Jess O'Reilly: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
[00:00:13] Brandon Ware: Today, we're going to be talking about financial infidelity,
[00:00:19] Jess O'Reilly: talking about money, money, money, honey. Okay. Are we good at talking about money with each other?
[00:00:26] Brandon Ware: I think we're good about talking about some aspects of money.
[00:00:30] Jess O'Reilly: Okay, let's start with the good.
[00:00:31] Brandon Ware: I think we communicate a lot when it comes to certain investment opportunities. Oh, sure. Uh, things like that. Um, I think we're both generally on the same page in terms of how much money we have. So those are some good things. I don't know. What do you, what are your thoughts?
[00:00:45] Jess O'Reilly: You know, it's funny. As soon as you start talking about money, especially, You know, with others in the room with us, so to speak, it's, uh, I get uncomfortable. Like I feel uncomfortable.
[00:00:56] Brandon Ware: I grew up with the understanding that talking about money was something you did not do. And it's becoming much more open now where people talk about how much money they make at work and how much money, um, I guess they, they want to have in the future and how much they currently have.
[00:01:10] Brandon Ware: But I did not grow up like that. You do not talk about money.
[00:01:13] Jess O'Reilly: No, and we, we do need that transparency because one, you know, exercise of power from people who do have money, who control the resources involves convincing everyone that we shouldn't talk about it so we don't know about their billions and whatnot.
[00:01:27] Jess O'Reilly: But I have to admit that it's definitely not in my background to talk about it. I can talk about it in specifics when it's relevant to the conversation. Like anytime I've done business with family, we've been very open, very straightforward about the projects themselves. But not about specifics that are personal.
[00:01:45] Jess O'Reilly: So I feel a little bit nervous, but we're going to get into it. So, okay. You said we're good at talking about certain things. What do we struggle with? Do you think?
[00:01:53] Brandon Ware: Sometimes I think that there's a difference in terms of where we want to spend our money and how we want to spend our money. [00:02:00] Um, so that's the first thing.
[00:02:00] Jess O'Reilly: You mean I want to spend it?
[00:02:02] Brandon Ware: Yeah. I want to spend our money too. I don't want to hoard. I don't want to hoard my money. Okay. I do want to spend it. I want to enjoy it. I think because of my upbringing, because about, I think there's an element of shame, of guilt, -
Would you rather give up sex or social media? The results from a new Canadian study may surprise you!
Jess and Brandon explore new research findings and answer a listener question about bellybutton fetishes -- the what, why and how.
Find Bloomi in a Target near you, or check out their website for your Bloomi needs.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Sex Q&A, Alvinophilia & Sex vs. Social Media
Episode 330
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight today.
[00:00:15] Brandon Ware: We are going to be talking about social media. And sex. And you've got a question about belly button fetishes.
[00:00:24] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah, really beautiful one. Okay, have you been on social media today?
[00:00:28] Brandon Ware: Of course I have. Yes.
[00:00:29] Jess O'Reilly: How soon after you wake up are you on social?
[00:00:33] Brandon Ware: Within the hour.
[00:00:34] Jess O'Reilly: Okay, that's not that soon. Yes. As soon as I get my phone, I'm like, I'm super important. Gotta scroll instagram.
[00:00:41] Brandon Ware: I'm not interested in opening up right away because I know I also don't feel good when I'm on social sites. Uh, if I'm on. Instagram, like, why am I there?
[00:00:51] Brandon Ware: If I'm there to, you know, to have a laugh or something like that, it's great. But what, what am I, what's the real issue? Like, why am I here?
[00:00:58] Jess O'Reilly: I think you're there to, uh, look at dogs.
[00:01:00] Brandon Ware: Yes.
[00:01:00] Jess O'Reilly: Because your entire feed is dogs.
[00:01:02] Brandon Ware: If you look at my search feed, it's all dogs. And it's also people. Slipping and falling when they're surfing and like snowboarding and stuff like that.
[00:01:09] Jess O'Reilly: Shall we psychoanalyze that now?
[00:01:10] Brandon Ware: Yeah, really.
[00:01:11] Jess O'Reilly: Okay, so I bring, I bring up social media because this new Canadian study was published and in the study they looked at 750 participants between the ages of 16 and 30. So a little younger than us. Just a little. And they found that 8. 8% would rather give up sex than give up social media.
[00:01:29] Brandon Ware: Really?
[00:01:30] Jess O'Reilly: It's such, that's an easy one for me, sex or social media.
[00:01:32] Brandon Ware: You'd give it up.
[00:01:33] Jess O'Reilly: What?
[00:01:34] Brandon Ware: The sex.
[00:01:34] Jess O'Reilly: No, I wouldn't. You. Would you, would you give up sex or social media? No. Like, it's not even a thought for me.
[00:01:38] Brandon Ware: Not even a question. I'd, I'd give up social media in a heartbeat. I want to give up social media right now.
[00:01:43] Jess O'Reilly: I want to give up sex. No, just kidding. I got my fix. I'm good.
[00:01:47] Brandon Ware: Yeah.
[00:01:48] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah. No, I, I mean, I'm on social media all the time. I definitely use it for work, but I use it for, I don't even want to say pleasure. It's just a distraction. for me, for the most part. I do a lot of learning on there. Like I [00:02:00] will say, I'm, I sit in admiration of a lot of accounts and do a lot of learning, but it's mostly just kind of random scrolling, uh, doom scrolling, as they call it.
[00:02:08] Jess O'Reilly: So I would absolutely positively give up social media before sex, but. You know, I mean, still 8. 8% is a small minority, but a considerable minority. -
Looking for a quick exercise to offset the potentially harmful effects of conflict?
Jess & Brandon explore a 7-minute solution to support "cognitive reappraisal" as they share the details of their latest fight: the Popsicle incident.
In one study, three simple 7-minute writing interventions over the course of a year were shown to improve relationship quality in newlyweds and long-term couples alike. Have a listen to learn more and give it a try yourself to improve your relationship in just 21 minutes per year.
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
Jess & Brandon's Latest Argument. And A 7-Minute Solution
Episode 329
[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
[00:00:15] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Today we're going to be diving into an exercise that just brought to my attention and asked us or asked me to define or what would you say? Write out, explain our most recent argument.
[00:00:29] Jess O'Reilly: Yes, from a neutral perspective. So we're going to try an exercise that has been shown to lead to happier relationships, and it relates to conflict and how we view it. And so basically, Brendan and I wrote out Why are you laughing? How we view because honestly, I can't even finish a sentence because we had to describe our most recent conflict from a neutral perspective, and I think we sound ridiculous.
[00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: Like speed bags. It's about popsicles. I was going to say that. The conflict is about, it's about chill pops.
[00:01:00] Brandon Ware: My headline for the, for this was the popsicle fight.
[00:01:04] Jess O'Reilly: Oh my gosh.
[00:01:04] Brandon Ware: I'm like, oh man.
[00:01:06] Jess O'Reilly: Okay, let me give you a bit of background on this exercise. So, you know, it comes from this study where researchers from four different universities were working with 120 couples over the course of two years.
[00:01:14] Jess O'Reilly: So some of these couples were newlyweds and some had been married for years. And during the first year of the study, all participants, all couples were assigned to write about the most significant marital conflict they had experienced in the previous four months. So they did this three times a year, and they were also collecting info on, you know, their relationship overall.
[00:01:34] Jess O'Reilly: So intimacy, trust, passion, commitment, satisfaction, and love. So that's what they did in the first year. They, three times a year, they wrote about their most significant marital conflict. After year one, the whole group was divided in two. So one group, the control group, kept doing the same activity that they did in the first year, wrote about their most significant conflict.
[00:01:52] Jess O'Reilly: But the second group, did an additional writing activity that took around seven minutes on average. And so the quote,
[00:02:00] each partner wrote about the conflict from the perspective of an impartial observer who wants the best for both partners. So they did this three times a year and apparently it made a really significant difference.
[00:02:12] Jess O'Reilly: Just writing about the conflict from a neutral perspective, from the perspective of somebody who wants. both parties to come out on top as a team. And with just three seven minute writing exercises or interventions, they saw really interesting results. -
Do you struggle with rejection?
How does your response vary from the boardroom to the bedroom?
Do layers of your identity affect how you deal with rejection?
We surveyed our community regarding their experiences of rejection, and we shared their insights in this week’s episode. We think it’s a great one! Thank you to those who sent messages. We appreciate you.
Big thanks to our sponsors AdamandEve.com — use code DRJESS50 to save!
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
12 Strategies to Manage Rejection
Intro: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight.
Dr. Jess: Hey, hey, we are running a repeat podcast today on the topic of rejection because it's, it's a week of rejection emails. If you're going to rejection, that's my jam. I'm totally, let's go. Let's do this. It's your specialty? Receiving rejection or rejecting others? Both. Oh, really? Okay. Anyhow, we received so many questions about dealing with rejection this week.
Sometimes these things come in waves and themes. And questions about rejection in and out of the bedroom. And a while back, we covered this topic, so we're gonna do it again, and I'm gonna share that episode with you, which is perfect for me, because we are down at my family reunion. Over 60 of us, Chinese [00:01:00] Jamaicans, Changs.
Brandon: This is where the rejection came in. I tried so hard to talk to people, but they just kept rejecting and not listening to me.
Dr. Jess: Well, my family's on transmit, not receive. Yeah, for sure. We talk more than we listen. Anyhow, we're down here, lots of distractions, lots of food, so much chaos, so much love, and I'm happy to get to enjoy it.
So, without further ado, we'll throw it back to, I think March 2022. Here you go.
Brandon: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm your co host Brandon Ware here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess.
Dr. Jess: Well, hello. Hello. We're going to be talking about rejection because we started talking about rejection last week by accident, sort of, and I got a lot of feedback actually on that episode and people had a lot of questions and maybe felt we didn't go as much into depth as we could have and also people shared their insights.
So today we're going to talk about how to handle rejection and potentially boost confidence and I have insights from over a dozen people. who sent short messages, longer messages and all really helpful stuff, actually.
Brandon: I feel like I did go very deep, [00:02:00] personally.
Dr. Jess: Oh, it was to be clear, people weren't complaining, they just kind of wanted more of it.
Oh, okay.
Brandon: Well, I mean, rejection is something that everybody deals with, so let's
Dr. Jess: do it. Yeah, and last week, actually, we talked about the fact that you don't feel badly when I reject you sexually. It's when it's otherwise. Mm hmm, yes. Yeah, and that's really interesting because one of the first comments I received, and then I received a number along this theme, is around why women can say no to sex, but when a guy says no, it's absurd or crazy, and there were a bunch of other kind of descriptions there.
And it really does speak to these gender double standards that are rooted in, I think, social capital around, along gender lines, right? Men are supposed to always want sex, they're supposed to be good at sex, they're supposed to take it personally if a partner doesn't want them, -
Rejection is a life skill. This week, Jess and Brandon revisit a previous conversation about how to deal with someone who pulls away without explanation. They share their own experiences, and weigh in on how to manage the "in-between" when you're not together but haven't quite split up.
Big thanks to our sponsors AdamandEve.com — use code DRJESS to save!
And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!
Rough Transcript:
This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.
How to Manage Rejection Part 1
Episode 327
[00:00:00] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, we are running a repeat podcast today on the topic of rejection because it's, it's a week of rejection emails.
[00:00:10] Brandon Ware: If you're going to rejection, that's my jam. I'm totally like, let's go. Let's do this.
[00:00:14] Jess O'Reilly: It's your specialty, receiving rejection or rejecting others.
[00:00:17] Brandon Ware: Both.
[00:00:18] Jess O'Reilly: Oh, really? Okay. Uh, anyhow, we received so many questions about dealing with rejection this week.
[00:00:23] Jess O'Reilly: Sometimes these things come in waves and themes and questions about rejection in and out of the bedroom. And a while back, we covered this topic. So we're going to do it again. And I'm going to share that episode with you, which is perfect for me because we are down at my family reunion. Over 60 of us, Chinese Jamaicans, Changs.
[00:00:40] Brandon Ware: This is where the rejection came in. I tried so hard to talk to people, but they just kept rejecting and not listening to me.
[00:00:46] Jess O'Reilly: Well, my family's on transmit, not receive. We talk more than we listen. Anyhow, we're down here. Lots of distractions, lots of food, so much chaos. So much love and I'm happy to get to enjoy it.
[00:00:57] Jess O'Reilly: So without further ado, we'll throw it back to I think March 2022. Here you go.
[00:01:07] Jess O'Reilly: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.
[00:01:16] Brandon Ware: Welcome to sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm your cohost, Brandon Ware here with my lovely other Dr. Jess.
[00:01:25] Jess O'Reilly: Hello. I'm glad you've stopped making those ASMR sounds. I can do it again for everyone. It's really creepy, your tongue ASMR sounds.
[00:01:36] Jess O'Reilly: I like the sound. There you go. It's the look of your tongue coming out of your mouth I don't like. That's not the point. Ah, well tonight... We're having a quickie. It's the way I like it. I know. Cool brag. Cool, cool brag, bro. We're going to be talking about dating and what to do when someone pulls away. So not when they ghost you, but when they kind of back out out of nowhere.
[00:01:57] Jess O'Reilly: So I did this interview. And people had sent [00:02:00] in this hodgepodge of questions. Hodgepodge? You're 90. Smorgasbord of questions about what to do when a love interest pulls back out of nowhere. So they said, for example, you're hitting it off and then all of a sudden things change. Text messages are sparser.
[00:02:15] Jess O'Reilly: They used to text every day. They don't initiate contact like they used to, but they still respond to you or they're answering with like one word. Whereas they used to call and, you know, send essays, or they're saying that they're busy all of a sudden and don't have as much time, but then they come back and they're messaging you.
[00:02:31] Jess O'Reilly: So basically, they're not communicating that they want to end things, -
A pregnant listener wants to know how to deal with hurt feelings; after her partner; interrupted a conversation to check out another woman. Jess and Brandon share their thoughts on how to deal with sensitive issues like body insecurity, affirmations and feelings of un-attractiveness during pregnancy and throughout life's transitions.Save with code PODCAST on the Mindful Sex Course on the Happier Couples website.If you have podcast questions, please submit them here. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!Rough Transcript:This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.Attraction & Body Image: Communication for CouplesEpisode 326[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight.[00:00:14] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm your cohost Brandon here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess, and today we are talking about body insecurity and how we respond to our partners when they make requests.[00:00:27] Brandon Ware: I mean, it sounds like it would be very simple, but[00:00:30] Jess O'Reilly: there's always nuance, isn't there?[00:00:31] Brandon Ware: Always.[00:00:32] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah. So we received a question from a woman who says she's pregnant with her third child. She's been with her partner for many years, and here's what she says. I've been entrusting him with my physical insecurities during this pregnancy, and I find it hard.[00:00:47] Jess O'Reilly: to see my body change in this way. So we were at the pool the other day, with our kids, and we were having this face to face conversation with, when suddenly, kind of mid conversation, he checks out this other woman getting out of the pool, in a very obvious way, very much in front of my face, so I'm feeling very hurt from this incident, because I've been really open about how I'm feeling about myself, and his attraction towards me, and I don't really know how to address this.[00:01:12] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah, why don't you go?[00:01:14] Brandon Ware: You want me to start? I mean, okay, maybe he's a dick. Whoa. Maybe. Well, I mean, maybe it was also, he noticed something. I mean, I feel like in this circumstance, you got to pay attention to your partner and their request. They're saying, I need this from you. I feel this way. And I feel like perhaps this person didn't listen.[00:01:34] Brandon Ware: Isn't heeding their advice. Yeah. Heeding like, and responding to their request.[00:01:38] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah. I'm thinking about folks who are going to say like, Oh, well you're responsible for your feelings, but come on. That's not the whole picture. Right. Right. I think we also. I know we have to be considerate of other people's feelings like we're not responsible for our partner's feelings entirely that but that doesn't mean we can't hurt their feelings you know if you're mid sentence with me and you stop paying attention not just to check someone out but just period I'm gonna have some [00:02:00] feelings if you stand me up I'm gonna have some feelings if you greet me with a big smile I'm likewise gonna have some feelings in response to you right so we say oh people are responsible for their own feelings but we don't live in a in a vacuum so um You know, if I've already told you that I'm feeling out of touch, I'm feeling uncomfortable with my body, and you're ogling someone else in an obvious way, I'm probably going to have some feelings.[00:02:21] Jess O'Reilly: And it's not necessarily that your ogling is entirely responsible for them,
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Have you encountered scammers while dating online or in person? We received this query from a loyal listener:"I started dating after divorce (I was married way too young at 19 years old, I’m 28 now), and I’m devastated after being scammed. He took over 20K from me, which I know is not as bad as some of the stories in the media, but it’s a lot for me. The worst part is I really did love him, and now I’m nervous to even; date again. I live in a smaller town, so online is really my only option unless I want to date someone from my high school who has already dated half of my family. I’m exaggerating, but for real online dating is my only option. How do I make sure; this doesn’t happen again, and also; how do I deal with the embarrassment? I’ve had to move home with my parents (I’m lucky we get along so well), but I haven’t told anyone why."Romance scams are more common and sophisticated than you may think. According to the Federal Trade Commission in the USA, in 2022, nearly 70,000 people reported a romance scam with losses of $1.3 billion. And it's growing year over year.The Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre received 1,928 reports of romance scams totalling $64,604,718 in losses, compared to 1,546 reports and $28,989,750 in losses in 2020. An estimated 5% of victims report romance scams, so this number is much higher in reality.Jess and Brandon share their perspectives on how to date with confidence and protect yourself in the changing dating landscape.Save with code PODCAST on the Mindful Sex Course on the Happier Couples website.If you have podcast questions, please submit them here. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!Rough Transcript:This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.Romance Scams & How To Date SafelyEpisode 325[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.[00:00:14] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm Brandon, your cohost here with the lovely Dr. Jess.[00:00:19] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, I'm a new woman today.[00:00:22] Brandon Ware: Why is that?[00:00:22] Jess O'Reilly: Because I discovered the excitement of an electric bicycle.[00:00:27] Brandon Ware: It's, it's, it's a whole new world.[00:00:30] Jess O'Reilly: For the whole bike ride yesterday, I was like, this is a whole new world. Did you hear me screaming it?[00:00:35] Brandon Ware: Is it because you didn't actually ride the bike?[00:00:38] Jess O'Reilly: No, so I didn't know that these electric bikes, you just touch the pedal and then they move for you. So I'm not good on a bicycle. Yeah, we know that. Yeah, like I get on a bicycle for 10 minutes and I'm in pain and I know that I need to get like my pelvic floor fixed, but I've torn my hamstrings so many times that something about sitting on a bike doesn't work for me.[00:00:57] Jess O'Reilly: Like I usually rollerblade next to my friend Mel who cycles and I have to bust my ass on blades and I have no problem with that. But the. Bicycle hurts my butt.[00:01:05] Brandon Ware: Yeah, no, it's not. My sits bones hurt today.[00:01:08] Jess O'Reilly: Until yesterday, because it's still hurt to sit on it. But anyhow, you just touch the pedal and the bike moves for you.[00:01:15] Jess O'Reilly: And I'm probably 10 years behind everybody else, but I'm super excited about this because I don't know, it opened up a whole new city to us. We were able to go way across the city and here it's, you know, traffic's so bad that it's faster on a bicycle than getti...
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