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Talking about things that might occur helps us make decisions in advance. Hopefully, when the time comes to make a similar decision, we will have thought it through and will choose wisely.
Preventing a problem is usually easier, and more desirable, than trying to solve the problem.
There are several ways we can help prevent problems:
Use a kind tone of voice when speaking.Communicate our feelings and let people know how they can help us.Avoid sarcastic humor and eliminate criticism.Try to sense how a family member is feeling and carefully speak or act in a way that will help him.Keep an open mind and consider the ideas and suggestions of others. Don’t be defensive. Give one another high, positive expectations for behavior.Think through and discuss possible problem situations before they happen.Mentioned on the Show:
Solutions For Families
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We display our values everyday by the way we speak and act. The decisions we make, the way we use our time, and how we spend our money all reveal our values.
The rules we have in our families are a result of our values--the things we think are really important. It’s vital that everyone knows the difference between what’s really important and what doesn’t matter too much.
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In life there are rules--at home, at school and in the community. It’s important to have rules in a family for order and peace to exist. When all family members help make the rules, children take the responsibility of helping to set their own limits. Families should gather together and decide on family rules. Then the rules need to be obeyed by all family members.
When children help create family rules and consequences, when they disobey, they are disobeying rules which they once agreed upon. When it becomes necessary for parents to enforce rules and consequences, it is best to be kind and firm at the same time. Gentle words and loving actions show kindness.
With everyone helping, create some family rules. Then decide on consequences for obedience or disobedience to the rules.
∙ Have one person write down all ideas suggested.
∙ Everyone should have a chance to share their ideas about what would be good rules for your family.
∙ Remember to keep your rules few and simple.
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Children learn this best in families when they have many opportunities to make decisions and when parents explain the reasons for their decisions. Young people who haven’t made decisions about who they are and what they want to do in life are the most vulnerable to peer pressure. Inexperienced decision-makers are more likely to rely on others to make their decisions and define their values for them.
The Decision-Making Process
Identify the problem.List all possible solutions.Think about each alternative--applying your knowledge, values, resources, and the ease or difficulty of the solution. Discuss the issue with those who care about your welfare and happiness. For some this will include God.Choose the best solution.Mentioned on the Show:
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The choices we make as to how we deal with our problems largely determine our happiness or unhappiness. No matter how devastating our circumstances, we can still choose how we think and how we perceive life. Included in the lesson on responsibility is Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote, “No one can offend me without my permission.” We can choose how we react to our circumstances, our environment, and the people around us. Choice is powerful and truly a gift. Even as I write that statement I fully understand that many, many choices in our lives are beyond our control. However, the choice of attitude is always ours.
6 Ideas for dealing with problems:
Focus on the positiveStay flexible. Maintain open channels of communication Pull together as familyDraw on spiritual resources. Seek help outside the family.Mentioned on the Show:
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One of the most important things we can learn in this life is to take responsibility for our own thoughts, words and actions. An American president’s wife, Eleanor Roosevelt, spoke about this when she said, “No one can offend me without my permission.” We can choose what we think and how we act.
When we’re responsible, we no longer blame others, the weather or our memory.
Ask:
1. What would you do if you broke something in our home?
2. What if you had a family job to do, and your friend asked you to go swimming?
3. What if your teacher gave you a math assignment that you didn’t understand, and it was to be finished the next day. What would you do?
4. What if you were tending a neighbor’s child who was in the bathtub when the phone rang?
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Mentioned on the Show:
Solutions for Families
Connect with Paula:
Facebook: @paula.fellingham
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Website: paulafellingham.com
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Sometimes we expect others to know exactly what we want, or need, even when we say little or nothing at all. Perhaps unkind remarks by others keep us from being open and honest--we’re afraid of being hurt or embarrassed. It’s very important that family members say only kind, supportive things when someone is sharing their feelings. We should never laugh, or criticize in any way.
When we can say what we really think to supportive family members, good things usually happen:
∙ We know our family cares about us.
∙ We believe our opinions and concerns are important.
∙ Problems are prevented because they are discussed in advance.
∙ Problems are solved more easily because several people help find solutions.
∙ Our family is closer and stronger because we help one another.
Mentioned on the Show:
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Listening is more than just hearing words. It is trying to understand a person’s message and their feelings. When we listen, it shows that we care. Careful listening also increases our empathy for people’s feelings.
When we listen we should:
1. Show we’re listening.
2. Be interested in what the person is saying and concentrate on their words.
3. Never interrupt.
4. Watch the speaker’s body language.
5. Actively listen.
As we listen with open hearts and minds to the messages we hear, we will learn much, and discover how we can best contribute to the happiness of others.
Mentioned on the Show:
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Communication can be negative (unkind) or positive (kind). When we speak unkindly to one another it destroys the loving atmosphere we want in our home, and it makes family members feel unhappy and unloved. On the other hand, when we speak in a positive and kind way to one another, our family is happier.
It is so important to speak positively, because people usually become what they are told they are.
Try each day to turn negative comments into positive ones. Remember that any habit is hard to break. Be kind to yourselves and have patience with one another as you try to improve. As you help one another speak more positively, it will be easier to improve.
5 benefits of positive speaking:
You have the opportunity to express yourself. If you speak in a positive way, people will listen to you more readily. That gives you opportunities to influence people for good.It helps build a positive self-image. It builds trust in a relationship. It encourages cooperation. It promotes honest, open communication.Mentioned on the Show:
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If we can put into practice what we’ve learned about speaking with kindness, and combine it with sharing our hearts openly, and listening with the intent to understand and help, we are on the road to being able to communicate deeply and effectively. Strong relationships are build not on “surface talk,” during which people only discuss the weather or other non-threatening subjects. Usually relationships which stand the test of trials and time are those whose participants are willing to communicate the thoughts and honest feelings of their hearts. By doing so, they risk ridicule and rejection. Nonetheless, these people accept that risk because they cannot be satisfied with anything less than sincere, honest, meaningful relationships.
Four parts of good communication:
1. Listening.
2. Rephrasing.
3. Probing.
4. Positive Speaking.
Relationships are built one interaction at a time. Each interaction moves the relationship in positive or a negative ways. We usually can’t change relationships over night, but making improvements in our communication skills will always move them in positive directions.
Mentioned on the Show:
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Good communication is understanding and being understood. In our family we should be able to talk to one another easily. We should know that we can share our feelings in confidence, know that we won’t be laughed at, and feel understood.
When we make a real effort to understand before we try to be understood, usually our efforts will be appreciated, our communication will improve, and our relationships will become stronger and more loving.
Activity
This activity teaches how to help people understand us when we communicate. The method is called “I messages.” This is how it works:
1. Start with the word “I.”
2. Add what you’re thinking, feeling or needing. .....need some help getting these dishes done.....
3. Explain WHY.
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Service is kindness in action. Service is giving to others; lifting loads and brightening lives. Having an attitude of service means looking for ways to help rather than waiting to be asked. The needs of others are important to those who unselfishly serve. They help people because they care about them, not because they expect a reward. Those who serve others will also benefit--they’ll enjoy good feelings of self-worth and an increased capacity to love.
As a family, participate in one of the acts of service below, or think of your own:
∙ Plant a tree.
∙ Clean/rake/snow-shovel a neighbor’s yard.
∙ Be friendlier at school.
∙ Help an elderly person with housework or yard work.
∙ Tend children for a young mother without pay.
∙ Read to a child.
∙ Pick up trash along the highway.
∙ Do volunteer work in the community.
∙ Take a meal to a needy family.
∙ Contribute to church and community projects.
Mentioned on the Show:
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Mentioned on the Show:
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A family tradition is an activity that a family does regularly. Often traditions are so simple that families don’t even consciously recognize them as traditions.
Healthy relationships are built on time spent together. Family traditions create opportunities for us to be with one another. As we join together and participate in a tradition, we share our lives in special ways that are unique to our family. Usually, the more we share our lives, the more we care for one another.
A family is like a chain and family members are like the links in the chain. Experiences shared together strengthen and bind the links together. The stronger the links, the more powerfully family members are bound to one another.
7 ideas for a family tradition.
∙ Each week or month, declare a “Be-Kind-To-(name)-Week.”
∙ On birthdays, go around the table and take turns telling the birthday person one reason why you love or appreciate them. Or share a happy memory you have with the birthday person.
∙ Create a “Memory Wall” in your home. This could consist of important events in the family, from school plays to family trips, represented with pictures, programs and souvenirs.
∙ When the family all gathers together, play games and enjoy treats.
∙ Display children’s artwork for a few days, then place it in a special box, decorated by the child.
∙ If both parents work, make sure children don’t come home to an empty house. Leave a little treat and an envelope for each child containing instructions on what to do during the afternoon.
∙ Send family members love notes in lunch sacks, desks, on mirrors, etc.
Mentioned on the Show:
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Defining our goals will help point us in the direction we want to go. The great basketball player Michael Jordan said, “I visualized where I wanted to be, what kind of player I wanted to become. I knew exactly where I wanted to go, and I focused on getting there.”
Helmut Schmidt remarked, “The tragedy in life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. It isn’t a calamity to die with dreams unfulfilled, but it is a calamity to not dream. It is not a disgrace not to reach the stars, but it is a disgrace to have no stars to reach for. Not failure, but low aim is the mistake.”
Activity
We’re now going to have each family member choose three goals--one in each of three areas: physical, mental, and social. Then we’ll each list one way to reach our goals.
There are many things that compete for the time and attention of families. People are constantly making decisions about what things should have priority in their lives. Are your family’s highest priorities in life the things you believe to be the most important?
Despite what you say, what you do shows how you really feel. What you spend your time doing will show what you really want for your family.
Mentioned on the Show:
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Quality time means that when we are with one another we are 100% “there,” focused on family members’ needs and happiness. Quantity time means that we are with our families as often as we can be. This is a challenge sometimes, but when family relationships are truly our highest priority, time needs to be given to those relationships. There is no substitute for unhurried time with our loved ones.
Strong families enjoy being together, and they make the effort to plan activities to be with one another. Family time doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. The simplest activities often become the most memorable. Family time can be as simple as sharing a family joke or enjoying a favorite tradition, such as Saturday morning pancakes or a family walk on Sunday afternoons.
Ask the following questions:
Are we spending our time as we wish?How would we like to spend our time?What is preventing us from spending our time as we want?What can we change so that we can spend our time as we would like to?Mentioned on the Show:
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During our lifetime we make many commitments. We commit to being educated and to attend school. We commit our loyalty to friends. We commit to bank loan officers, employers and politicians. However, of all the commitments we make in life, commitment to our family is the most important.
What does being committed to our family mean? I believe it means that we give our hearts and our time to our family, no matter what the consequences may be. We commit to do whatever is necessary to ensure family happiness. There are countless ways to show our commitment to our family.
3 Things We Can Do to Demonstrate Commitment:
1. Let family members know without a doubt that we love them.
2. Let our family know that we will be there for them.
3. Always be honest.
Perhaps the greatest value of commitment is that it serves as an expression of love. Love is a concept that the experts have trouble defining. But strong families know what love means. It means commitment.
Mentioned on the Show:
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Mentioned on the Show:
Free Parenting Webinar
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Connect with Paula:
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Website: paulafellingham.com
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None of us really outgrow our need for affection. The outward signs may not be as clear as with small babies, but many people “fail to thrive” because of lack of affection. We all have a need to receive affection if we are to become the best that we can be. We also need to give affection freely so others know we care.
People express affection in different ways. Some are more comfortable than others giving and receiving affection. For some it is very natural to give kisses, hugs or pats on the back. For others this can seem awkward. Some people find it easy to speak warmly and affectionately. For others, doing something for someone is their way of showing affection. It should also be remembered that children have different personalities and sometimes prefer different expressions of affection.
You can determine appropriate ways to show affection to each family member by asking the following questions:
∙ When you are feeling upset, what can someone do to show they care about you?
∙ If you had just received an award, how could someone show they are happy for you?
∙ When you want to show someone you care, would you be more likely to do something special for them, praise them, or give them a hug?
Mentioned on the Show:
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