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In the final episode of the Tough Twenties series, Gretchen (age 30), Owen (age 20), and I have a conversation about building identity capital in your twenties and how various experiences, whether professional or personal, shape our stories and can influence future opportunities.
Owen shares his experience as a beach lifeguard, which, although unrelated to his planned career path, provided him with valuable life skills and discipline. Gretchen, nearing the end of her doctoral program, discusses how her camp counseling experience has been instrumental in her teaching career and her current research.
We also touch on the impact technology and social media are having on our lives. Both Owen and Gretchen share steps they've taken to manage their screen time, recognizing the importance of being present in the moment and the potential negative effects of excessive phone use. They share strategies such as deleting apps, setting screen time limits, and creating phone-free times during the day.
The conversation highlights the importance of being mindful of our social media usage and the displacement effect it can have on our lives. The time we spend on screens is time we're not spending doing other important things - like building closer relationships and learning new skills. We also discuss the potential future of parenting in relation to technology and the importance of modeling healthy habits for the next generation.
During this series, we've reflected on the challenges and rewards of the twenties and have emphasized the importance of embracing this decade as an important developmental time of growth and learning.
I hope this series has provided encouragement and guidance for young adults navigating their own winding paths.
Do you enjoy Sunshine Parenting? Please take a moment to give my podcast a rating and review on iTunes.
Listen to more episodes from the Tough Twenties series.
Thank you for being part of the Sunshine Parenting community!
Audrey "Sunshine" Monke
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In the Tough Twenties series, I’m interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you’re an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you’re parenting a young adult, I know you’ll be encouraged by this series.
Meg Jay, PhD
In this episode, I chat with Meg Jay, PHD, a developmental clinical psychologist who specializes in twentysomethings. She is the author of The Twentysomething Treatment: A Revolutionary Remedy for an Uncertain Age, Supernormal: The Secret World of the Family Hero and the cult classic The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now. Her books have been translated into more than a dozen languages and her work has appeared in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review and on NPR, BBC and—maybe most important for her audience—TikTok.
We discuss the positive impact The Defining Decade has had on thousands of young adults as well as a few topics covered in the book, including building "identity capital."
Get in touch
Submit an anonymous question or comment for the series
Resources
Download my “Ready for Adulthood Checklist”
The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter — And How to Make the Most of Them Now
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In the Tough Twenties series, I'm interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you're an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you're parenting a young adult, I know you'll be encouraged by this series.
In this episode, I chat with summer camp directors Andy and Alison Moeshberger. Each year they interview, hire, and train two hundred young adult counselors, so they have a lot of great insights on the skills and traits that lead to success at work for young adults.
We discuss:
The benefits of working at a summer camp, such as gaining responsibility, decision-making skills, and leadership opportunities. They also discuss the accelerated learning opportunities, the rapid feedback system, and the development of relationship skills due to the face-to-face communication and round-the-clock community and communication.
The importance of being coachable, be receptive to feedback and view feedback as an opportunity for improvement rather than a personal attack.
How the best employees are flexible, open minded, and willing to work through the discomfort of challenges and learning new skills.
The mindset shift that young adults need to make when transitioning from a school environment to a professional setting. They note that in school, competition and high grades are often emphasized, whereas in the working world, soft skills and relational skills are most valued.
Overall, they emphasize the benefits of working at a summer camp, such as the accelerated learning opportunities, rapid feedback system, and development of soft skills.
Get in touch
Submit an anonymous question or comment for the series
Resources
Download my "Ready for Adulthood Checklist"
Mentioned on the Podcast
The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter -- And How to Make the Most of Them Now
3 Reasons to Choose a Job at Camp Instead of a Summer Internship
Why Being a Camp Counselor is the Best Summer Job
The Greatest Internship: 6 Critical Skills Counselors Develop at Camp
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In this episode, I share about some myths that can hold you back from living your best life. It's easy to get caught up in the pressure to conform and meet expectations of others. We can find ourselves striving for success based on societal standards or seeking validation from those around us. To live our best lives, it's essential to explore our unique strengths and follow our own path.
During this episode I share about five myths many adults base their lives on, truths that counter those myths, and what you can do now to start living your best life. It took me a long time to learn these lessons, and I really wish someone would have talked with me about them when I was launching into adulthood.
Myths that Might Be Holding You Back
Everyone (or certain people) need to approve of our job/career for it to be “successful.”
Truth: Some of the older adults that you think of as being successful are not happy with their lives and regret not pursuing something they were really interested in but didn’t have the same level of prestige/income associated with it.
What to do: Chase your strengths/interests. Spend time learning about yourself and talk through ideas with a friend or trusted mentor.
Some tools you might use:
Enneagram
VIA Strengths
Four Tendencies
Gallup StrengthsWe have to make really big changes in order to reach our goals.
Truth: The tiny, consistent habits are the way most people eventually reach their goals. This is true for both vocational goals and physical goals.
“Cramming on something for a couple of hours once in a while as just a slow, steady progression, a little at a time.
TINY HABITS, BJ Fog
ON WRITING, Stephen King
What to do: Break down an impossible-seeming goal and break it down into the tiniest step possible.
Ex: Read one page of a book about a topic you want to learn more about.
I need to start really big and do something huge for my first career-type job.
“I want to write a book.”
“I want to start a non-profit organization.”
What to do: Figure out what’s the first, very small step towards XYZ (starting a non-profit in a particular area).
Example first step: Do a Google search of the non-profit food providers in your area.
Example next step: Volunteer a few hours at one of the food providers.
Get an accountability partner!
Brainstorm together
Is this step small enough?
Circle back in a week and report on your first step, discuss your next step.
Once I _________, then I’ll be happy.
Truths:
We actually miss a lot of the great moments in life when we’re spending all of our thoughts on this thing out there in the future.It does feel good to accomplish things, but sometimes we feel bad after we reach the goal.
“You’re gonna miss this” song (Trace Adkins)
What to do: Figure out your current “Once I…” statement that you’re believing in too much. What’s something you can replace that with? Like, what is it about your life right now that you’re really enjoying? What are you grateful for in this season?
I’ll get to ______ later, when I have more time.
Truth:
Regardless of life stage, your time will get filled by things you can’t control but there’s always some discretionary time. Sometimes we’re not aware of it, because we default to spending time doing things that don’t lead to better well-being.What to do: Recognize that you have the same amount of time as everyone else. Figure out what you want to prioritize and schedule it in.
Cal Newport Deep Life Podcast - Zero Sum Time Budgeting.
One more idea: You can make time more meaningful and things more memorable by putting a little more effort into it.
Laura Vanderkam’s “Effortful Fun”
Power of Moments, Chip Heath & Dan Heath
In conclusion, discovering our unique strengths and path is essential for living a fulfilling and thriving life. It requires us to challenge the myth that we need others' approval or validation for our choices. Instead, we must invest time and effort in self-discovery, exploring our interests, and understanding our strengths. By embracing our uniqueness and following our own path, we can find true happiness and fulfillment. Remember, success is not measured by societal standards but by the alignment between our passions, strengths, and purpose.
Get in touch
Submit an anonymous question for the series
Resources
Download my "Ready for Adulthood Checklist"
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In the Tough Twenties series, I'm interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you're an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you're parenting a young adult, I know you'll be encouraged by this series.
In this episode I'm chatting with my son, Owen, who has just entered into his twenties. We discuss building connections and relationships in young adulthood and how unplugging from technology can help foster those connections. Owen shares his experiences as a sophomore at San Diego State University.
Highlights
Unplug to Connect: Owen suggests that taking breaks from technology and unplugging can be beneficial for establishing and nurturing connections. Unplugging also allows for reflection, goal-setting, and engaging in activities that can lead to shared experiences and stronger connections.
Focus on developing "weak ties" socially, as well (see Meg Jay quote below).
Develop some daily habits including activities like exercising and reading. For reading, you might consider some focused reading on a topic you want to learn more about. You can become an "expert" by reading five books written by five experts in the field.
Take advantage of brain plasticity and learn new skills you're interested in, like learning to play guitar in Owen's case.
Get in touch
Submit an anonymous question for the series
Links & Resources
Download my "Ready for Adulthood Checklist"
Sharing Topic: Highs, Lows, & Buffaloes
"As a result, brain regions that support executive, social, and emotional functions appear to be particularly malleable and responsive to the environment during early adolescence, as plasticity occurs later in development."
Read more about brain plasticity during adolescence in Neuroscience News.“Information and opportunity spread farther and faster through weak ties than through close friends because weak ties have fewer overlapping contacts. Weak ties are like bridges you cannot see all the way across, so there is no telling where they might lead.”
The Defining Decade, Meg JayFree Guy Movie – Mentioned when Sunshine couldn't come up with the appropriate acronym NPC (non-player character), or what some students seem to act like as they walk across campus with headphones on, heads down, and not interacting with other humans.
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In the Tough Twenties series, I'm interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you're an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you're parenting a young adult, I know you'll be encouraged by this series.
In this episode my daughter Charlotte, age 25, and I talk about one area that can be challenging during the transition to adulthood - taking care of health. This episode was motivated by the following listener question:
How do I manage the transition from college to the "real world"?
If you have a question or topic you'd like us to cover on the Tough Twenties series, please submit it here.
"We all are allotted 24 hours in the day, and we're choosing how we spend every one of those hours...What are you doing in some of those hours that you could cut down on slightly?"
Foundational Habit #1: Sleep
-Charlotte"Going to bed early is sleeping in for adults."
Laura Vanderkam, Why You Need a Bedtime (Harvard Business Review)"For adults, getting less than seven hours of sleep a night on a regular basis has been linked with poor health, including weight gain, having a body mass index of 30 or higher, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, and depression."
How many hours of sleep are enough for good health? Mayo Clinic"Experts recommend that adults sleep between 7 and 9 hours a night. Adults who sleep less than 7 hours a night may have more health issues than those who sleep 7 or more hours a night."
Foundational Habit #2: Nutrition
How Much Sleep is Enough? National Institute of HealthEat your breakfast!
Managing blood sugar
Foundational Habit #3: Exercise"Find an exercise routine that you enjoy and that's fun for you."
Charlotte"Call a friend while you're on a walk."
Charlotte"Find something to get your body moving, and if you can be outside and get some fresh air and vitamin D while you're doing that, it's even better."
Foundational Habit #4: Manage Alcohol & Drug Use
Charlotte"It's important to evaluate what your relationship with alcohol is."
-CharlotteAlcohol and Young Adults Ages 18 to 25, National Institute of Health
Related Posts & Episodes:Ep. 180: [Tough Twenties] Charlotte, Age 25
Conversations Before College: Honest Talk about Alcohol
[ENCORE] Ep. 124: Promoting Mental Health with Dr. Jess Shatkin
Ep. 56: Off the Clock with Laura Vanderkam
Links:@charchareats (Charlotte's Holistic Health & Wellness Instagram)
Download "Ready for Adulthood Checklist"
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Navigating dating and romantic relationships - and figuring out how to decide who to commit to and marry- is one of the biggest decisions of the twenties. In this episode, I'm chatting with my daughter Gretchen, age 29, about her romantic relationships in her twenties, what she's learned from her own experiences and her observations and discussion with other young adults, and from the book, The Defining Decade (Meg Jay, PhD).
Get in touch:Submit an anonymous question for the series
Download my "Ready for Adulthood Checklist"
Previous Tough Twenties EpisodesEp. 180: [Tough Twenties] Charlotte, Age 25
Ep. 181: [Tough Twenties] Ready for Adulthood
Links:Choose Wisely: 8 Questions to Ponder Before you say "I Do" (post I read from in this episode)
“Think hard about who you marry. It’s the most important decision you will ever make."
David Brooks, Commencement Speech"My strong advice is to obsess less about your career and to think a lot more about marriage. Please respect the truism that if you have a great career and a crappy marriage you will be unhappy, but if you have a great marriage and a crappy career you will be happy."
David Brooks, To Be Happy, Marriage Matters More than CareerThe Defining Decade, Meg Jay, PhD
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The Tough Twenties series continues with a discussion of skills to work on to be ready for adulthood, a mindset shift for parents and young adults, and how to foster connection and friendships rather than competition.
Resource:In this episode, I share about my "Ready for Adulthood Checklist"
Listener Question:This week I give my response to this listener question, which was submitted on my survey:
"How to see school/work/social gatherings as a common ground of building friendship rather than a competition of who is better (performance, looks, etc.)"
Get in touch:Submit an anonymous topic request or question for the series
Download my "Ready for Adulthood Checklist"
Send me an email
Related:Happy Campers Book
Ep. 127: The New Adolescence with Christine Carter, Ph.D.
[ENCORE] Ep. 159: The Social Dilemma
Why Summer Camp May be the Secret to a Longer Life
Ep. 171: Julie Lythcott-Haims talks about YOUR TURN: How to be an Adult
Ep. 170: Adulting with Emma Liberman
Self-Reflection Ideas:More of, Less of, Same of (MO, LO, SO)
[Encore] Ep. 119: Year-End Reflection Activities
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It is not an easy time to be a young adult. In this new series on Sunshine Parenting, I'll interview young adults, answer questions submitted by listeners, and share resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you're an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you're parenting a young adult, I know you'll be encouraged by this series.
In this first episode of the Tough Twenties series, I'm chatting with my daughter Charlotte, age 25. We talk about Charlotte's early twenties and the pivots she's made so far as she navigated a college transfer, a challenging backpacking trip across Costa Rica, and graduating during COVID. We talk about what Charlotte's discovered about herself and her career goals.
Get in touch:
Submit a question you'd like covered in the series
Free Download: "Ready for Adulthood Checklist"
Related:Ep. 171: Julie Lythcott-Haims talks about YOUR TURN: How to be an Adult
Ep. 170: Adulting with Emma Liberman
[ENCORE] Ep. 85: Grit is Grown Outside the Comfort Zone (PEGtalk)
Links:The Defining Decade, Dr. Meg Jay
Using Lifestyle-Centric Career Planning To Pursue A Life You Love (YouTube Video by Cal Newport)
Why Women Don’t Apply for Jobs Unless They’re 100% Qualified (Harvard Business Review)
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HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible!
Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources.
Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
In Episode 179, I chat with Phyllis Fagell about her amazing book, MIDDLE SCHOOL SUPERPOWERS: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times.
ABOUT THE BOOK
When things don’t go right for a tween, it often feels HUGE: failing a test, being left out of a group chat, struggling with body image or identity, getting cut from a team. Middle school is often one of the rockiest times in a child’s life, even without today’s added challenges: a pandemic, the fear of school violence, divisive politics, and the scourge of social media. It’s filled with physical changes, social pressures, transitions in family, friend, and school dynamics, and countless new experiences that can be overwhelming and scary. In MIDDLE SCHOOL SUPERPOWERS: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times (Hachette Go, August 1), Phyllis Fagell—a school counselor, Washington Post education column contributor, and the author of the definitive guide to this age group, Middle School Matters—offers a practical, evidence-based, and compassionate guide for parents and educators to help today’s tweens navigate these always-formative years. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Phyllis L. Fagell is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a certified professional school counselor, a frequent contributor to The Washington Post and other national publications, and author of Middle School Matters and Middle School Superpowers. She is a school counselor at Sheridan School in Washington, D.C. and provides therapy to children, teens, and families at The Chrysalis Group Inc. in Bethesda, Maryland. Phyllis also speaks and consults on issues relating to parenting, counseling, and education. -
HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible!
Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources.
Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
In Episode 178, my daughter Gretchen and I share a few tips for connecting more deeply with friends, co-workers, family, and people we just met.
Have a bold, specific purpose for every gatheringIn Priya Parker's The Art of Gathering (which I recently listened to on a two-day binge), Parker talks about the importance of being really clear on why we're gathering - whether it's a work meeting, a birthday celebration, or a walk with a friend or two - and to have a specific, bold purpose for every gathering we host.
"Celebrating a birthday" or "Having a weekly check-in meeting" are not bold purposes, but are what Parker calls "categories." She makes a compelling argument that as hosts we often spend so much time and energy on food, decor, and logistics but we neglect determining why we are gathering. And that purpose or why is what makes the event memorable.
Here are some examples I've come up with with for events with more specific purposes:
Having dinner together to celebrate the past year and share our best tip for the next one.
Sharing our projects for the next week and setting up accountability and encouragement partners.
Telling stories about ourselves that others don't know so that we can get to know each other better.
Celebrating a birthday by bringing (and reading aloud) notes of what we appreciate about the person.Parker notes that it's important to tell guests the specific purpose before the gathering, so as not to put anyone on the spot. A simple inclusion on the invitation will suffice.
How are you really doing?In this episode of Greg McKeown's podcast, he talks about simple tweaks on the normal "How are you?" question that help get us beyond the usual, "fine," or "great!" He suggests instead using either,
How are you really doing?
or a three-part series:
Ask (or provide) Great Questions
How are you doing on the surface?
How are you doing in the middle?
How are you doing deep down?One of the most important skills for making and keeping friends is asking questions. I've written and talked extensively on the topic (see links below).
In my book Happy Campers I provide a resource list of questions that are great to use with groups of kids (including in your own family). These are questions we provide to our camp counselors as we train them to connect with their campers and help campers connect with one another. You can read more in Connection Through Questions & access the free PDF here.
Even with people we are close to, there are still things we don't know about them. Consider using good questions - and great listening - to grow deeper connections.
Audrey & Gretchen's other chatsThe Magic Relationship Ratio
Ep. 161: An Inside Look at Sunshine's Parenting
Ep. 135: Advice & Ideas from Teachers During COVID-19
LinksLoneliness in America
The Pandemic of Loneliness
The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker
The Greg McKeown Podcast Ep. 157: See Through People's Masks
Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown
Ep. 40: Frientimacy with Shasta Nelson
Camp Secret #1: Connection Comes First (Free audio chapter from Happy Campers)
Connection Through Questions (PDF resource from Happy Campers)
36 Questions to Get Closer to Someone You Love
Making Memories at Mealtime (Goodwin University)
Mealtime Conversation Cards (Goodwin University)
50 Family Dinner Conversation Starters (Six Sisters Stuff)
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Show Notes
Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
This episode is a live recording of my chat with Sara Kuljis about some of our favorite year-end reflection activities. Joining Sara and me for this episode is Kate Rader, one of the participants from our Raise Thriving Kids Workshop. Kate is a stay-at-home mom to 3 adventure-seeking and fun-loving kiddos, Lauren and Caroline, identical twins who are 13 and Jack, age 10, wife to her college sweetheart Jeff and curious lover of books, podcasts, and conversations about intentional parenting and living.
Here's what Kate had to say about our workshop:
"It was just so wonderful to be in a room with people who care enough to be intentional about the choices they're making for their families and what they want for their families because it's a work in progress--and we're all working together."
Big IdeasIn addition to parenting books, podcasts, and coaching, workshops are a great resource for parents. Just as most people need continual training and education in their careers, parents can also take the time to learn and connect with others in order to feel invigorated. It is helpful to share what is working and to discuss best practices for strengthening family bonds. We talk a lot about the importance of self-care and modeling a balanced life for our kids.
Today we discuss the ideas I shared in my recent post, 5 Simple Year-End Reflections:
Create a Reverse Bucket List.Look back over your life and make a list of the cool things you've already done.
100 Family Memories
Brainstorm and make a list of what happened in your family this year.
Pick a Quote of the YearFind a quote that resonates with you, or something motivational, looking back or looking ahead, a quote you want to live by.
Select One Word that you want to guide you in the new year
Be authentic and make it a word that is uniquely yours.
Remember your Favorite Books or resources from the past yearTake time to let the new things that you have learned (in books, podcasts, workshops) to percolate and apply the concepts or practices to your life.
Pick one or two of these ideas that resonate with you. You can do an activity on your own or engage the whole family. Make the delivery of the idea fun and light. Allow people to be silly. Getting the family together over the holidays, expressing gratitude, and setting intentions together are my favorite ways to bring in the new year.
QuotesSara: "Sometimes parenting intentionally feels counter-cultural. When we're swimming upstream, to have fishies to swim with is so confidence building. It's reassuring, it's empowering. I've loved all the parents we have gotten to work with through this project because it has fueled me."
Kate: "The regular accountability is equally as important to me as the one-day workshop. Whether it's via podcasts, recorded conversations, or live conversations, getting together at Starbucks, or whatever it might be, that's really beneficial in maintaining the kind of wonderful feelings that we got coming out of the workshop."
Kate: "If we're going to develop a true family culture, we need to be intentional about spending time together as a family. And that time is harder and harder to come by."
Kate: "Just being together, away, experiencing some new adventures has been a neat way for us to firm up our family culture and values and make memories together. That's been a key take away for me."
Kate: "It's not about those grand gestures. It's about the thoughtful, meaningful moments where people take the time to appreciate their relationships."
Audrey: "Even if you're not a person who gives affirmations, I really don't think there's a person in this world who wouldn't mind getting a nice note saying something that someone likes about them."
Audrey: "Sometimes parents start thinking that their relationship with their child is supposed to be like a normal, reciprocal relationship. Expecting that you pour into this child and they're going to pour back to you, is not how parenting works. However, I'm seeing that once they're adults you may get more of the reciprocity than when they were kids. I get very filled up now by my adult children when they give me affirmations or send me a nice message--it's really great."
Audrey: "You keep encouraging, even if you don't think it means something because I think it really is landing somewhere."
Audrey: "Another activity could be taking a year's worth of fun texts, cards, and nice messages and putting them somewhere like in a scrapbook just as a great boost."
Sara: "I love the idea of sitting down with the whole family and saying, 'let's look way back' because there is a chance that something that I didn't consider very bucket-y might have been really significant to my kids. I think it will remind us that it has been a rich life of experiences."
Audrey: "I would challenge you to focus on yourself for your own reverse bucket list. Sometimes it's good to just think about for your own self-awareness and self-worth and knowing that you're enough just the way you are. I would suggest that the bucket list idea is more of a personal thing because it is recognizing the goals you've already achieved and the cool things that you've done, whereas the 100 Family Memories would be the things you're grateful for."
Audrey: "The goal is to try to remember (as many as) 100 things so you get down to some of the minutiae and those are some of the funny, random, individual things that happened. It's been a really fun practice."
Kate: "I think when you allow each family member to share their treasured memories from the year, it gives us insight into their personalities and their level of value and priorities, as well."
Audrey: "I like spending time at the end of the year, really thinking through what my one word is, thinking about what was good this year and what is it that I want to take into the new year and feel more of, or do more of--I love the process."
Audrey: "Determine the kind of person you want to be in the next year. Identify the characteristics of that best self. When you're being your best self, what does that look like? It has guided me a lot because once I pick a word, I then seek out resources and ideas to help me live that word better."
Kate: "It's a neat way to put the focus on how you're going to spend your time, your energy, your reading, and research--all that good stuff. When it is meaningful, it really does carry you through the year and it gives purpose to how you're spending your time."
Audrey: "It really hit me that my best contribution to my family, to the world, comes when I focus and take the time to do some research, reading, writing, thoughtful time, which is not a normal part of life anymore. You have to actually build in focus."
Audrey: "There are so many new ideas and things you can do, but to really move the needle, all you need to do is just one. I am challenging myself this year to slow down on the consumption of new information and instead get out the books I've read, look at my highlights and just recap."
Related Posts & Podcasts5 Simple Year-End Reflection Activities
Learning to Enjoy the Little Things
100 Family Memories
#oneword
My One Word for 2019: Focus
15 Books for a Happier, More Purposeful Life
Stop & Celebrate
Ep. 68 12 Parenting Tips for Happier, More Connected Families
Ep. 105 Live Above the Noise with Rob Reiher
ResourcesPresent Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living by Shauna Niequist
How to Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims
One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp
Finding Fred Podcast
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Enjoy the little things because one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things.
In Episode 63, I’m chatting with my friend Sara Kuljis of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. We talk about family gratitude practices and lessons from camp for having more grateful families. At Thanksgiving, it's easy to remember to be grateful, but the habit of gratitude -- practiced at camp, at home, and in the world -- helps us to be happier all year long.
BIG IDEAS Gratitude is a muscle. We can build it with practice. Research has shown that those who express gratitude daily have a more optimistic view of life and a healthier well-being. Developing relationships with the people around us makes it easier to share authentic gratitude. Model respect by thanking others, especially those who serve us. Use their first names when possible. Make eye contact Ways to show gratitude at camp or at home : Flower Sunday -- the practice of handing a daisy while sharing an affirmation or gratitude with another person. You give your flower away and receive a flower from someone who acknowledges an action or quality they appreciate. Using a token such as a flower makes a difference. WOW Bulletin Board -- staff and campers send and receive notes to build each other up and express thanks. Thankful Thursday -- a note, text message or phone call to someone expressing thanks can become a helpful habit. 3 Good Things -- share three good things that happened at the end of each day. Commit to sharing them with friend or family member via text. It helps with accountability and makes it easier to remember. Go around the dinner table and share with your family or friends. Write them down in a journal before bed, or share three things you are thankful for first thing in the morning. This habit can not only strengthen your gratitude muscle but also deepen your relationships and improve your outlook on life. Gratitude Jar -- keep slips of paper for family write down things they are grateful for and collect the scraps in a jar. Share the memories collected over the year at New Year's Eve or at Thanksgiving or anytime. Attach the messages to a bulletin board or even to the Christmas Tree! Warm Fuzzies -- Take a sheet of paper for each person, write their name on it and pass it around. Have everyone write down what they appreciate about that person. Be specific. It is nice to recognize precise actions or character strengths we appreciate in others. Go around the table at mealtime and share 3 good things, something you are grateful for (besides friends and family) or something you are grateful for about yourself Ask children to think of ways they would like to show gratitude for others. Children have really good ideas themselves. QUOTESAudrey: "We cannot raise grateful kids if we are not promoting our own gratitude."
Audrey: "It's important to remember that it's not just about completing a task, like sending a text or writing in your journal. It's about taking the moment to feel thankful. We need to take the task out of it and feel the gratitude."
Sara: "At the end of the day being grateful makes me kinder and softer to those around me."
Sara: "There's a lot of not-feeling-good-enough in the world. I enjoy helping people identify their natural talents and the natural goodness that is built in them and being intentional about building those into strengths for making a positive impact in the world."
More Gratitude Resources and IdeasMy Pinterest "Gratitude Board"
5 Ways to Avert Thanksgiving Disappointment
Raising Grateful, Not Entitled Kids
A Grateful Family is a Happy Family
Gratitude Revisited
Feeling Thankful
3 Reasons to Give Your Kid a WOW Today
Grateful Campers are Happy Campers
Learning to Enjoy the Little Things
Teaching Kids Gratitude Rather than Entitlement: Berkeley News/Christine Carter
Giving Thanks can Make you Happy, Harvard HealthThe Science of Gratitude: More Benefits Than Expected; 26 Studies and Counting, Happier Human.com
7 Scientifically Proven Benefits Of Gratitude That Will Motivate You To Give Thanks Year-Round, Forbes
30 Days of Gratitude, Writeshop.com
Kind over Matter
Why Gratitude is Important
Like listening to Audrey and Sara?
Here are more of our episodes:Ep. 57: The Importance of Adult Friendships
Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths
Ep. 23: Peaceful Mornings
Ep. 15: Traits of Parents Who are Great to Work With
Ep. 7: Family Pace & Space
Ep. 3: Raising Resilient, Independent Kids
Want to Watch this Episode on Video? Our Favorite Books About Gratitude -
Visit Sunshine Parenting for additional resources mentioned in this episode.
Check out Audrey's book, Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults
Sarah R. Moore is the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. She’s a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama. She's a lifelong learner with training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, and improv comedy. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting, she helps bring JOY, EASE, and CONNECTION back to families around the globe. Her heart's desire is to bring greater peace and healing to the world through loving and respectful parenting. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, & Twitter.
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Sunshine Parenting host Audrey "Sunshine" Monke & pediatrician (and camp doctor) Dr. Heather Silverberg talk about how COVID is impacting kids this summer at camp.
Want encouragement & simple strategies for raising thriving future adults? Check out Audrey's book, HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.
Happy Campers on Audible.
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HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible!
Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources.
Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
In Episode 37, Sara Kuljis (of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp), and I share tips and ideas for parents sending kids to overnight camp for the first time.
Camp Preparation Topics We Cover Forms:What parents need to do now, including reading through camp information and filling out all your camp forms thoroughly and completely.
Medications:
Why camp staff needs the forms well in advance of your child's arrival.
Importance of letting camp directors know any special circumstances that might impact your child's stay.Why it's never a good idea to make any changes in prescription medication right before camp.
Encouraging Your Child to Reach Out to Camp Staff:
Importance of sending all medications in their original prescription containers.
Thoughts on whether to continue vitamins.Talking about and role-playing with your child how they can talk with trusted adults (counselors, directors) at camp.
Packing for Camp:Importance of camper being involved in the packing process so they know where everything is!
Sending Letters:
Packing as a life skill and a way to build responsibility.
Make sure you know what items are not allowed at camp (so that those don't go to camp).
How to pack (rolling outfits, using ziplock bags, and other methods).
Not to bring expensive clothing items or ones that require special laundering.
Bringing a comfort item, photo album, journal, and/or books.Send a letter ahead of time so your camper has one at first mail call!
Planning for Downtime before and after Camp:
Let friends and relatives know your camper's address at camp and any mail policiesAllow some margins in your family's schedule so your child can be well-rested before camp.
Familiarize Yourself with your Camp's Online Services:Find out where to get news, photos, texts, etc.
The Gift of Letting Your Child go to Summer Camp:
Opt-in to anything that isn't going to automatically come to you!Why letting your child go to camp is a great way to set your child up for future independent experiences.
RelatedEp. 39: How to Handle Your Camper's Homesickness
Ep. 10: Homesick and Happy with Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Countdown to Camp
5 Essential Summer Camp Packing Tips
5 Fun Ideas for Letters to Campers
Messages for an Anxious Camper
How Camp Helps Parents Raise Adults
Label Daddy
More information about Audrey’s book is here: Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.
In Happy Campers, Audrey shares what she’s learned from three decades of creating a culture where kids become happier while gaining important social and emotional skills. The book is based on her thousands of interactions with campers, camp counselors, and parents, her academic research in positive psychology, and interviews with camp directors from across the country.
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Join Debbie's TILT Parenting book club (Spring, 2022).
In this episode, I'm talking with Debbie Reber, creator of TiLT Parenting, the host of the TiLT Parenting Podcast, and the author of Differently Wired: Raising and Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. While this book was written mainly for parents that need extra support, I think it will resonate with all parents of all kids.
Big Ideas Every child deserves to be understood and accepted for who they are. We are all wired differently. Some differences are more visible than others. Each kid needs different tools to thrive in life and we can help them figure out what they need for their individual journey. When parents and children communicate their needs and explain their differences to others, people are more understanding and accepting. 3 Key Take-Aways: Find a community and resources Find the right kind of support (parent coach, couples counselor, online communities) Embrace and accept kids' strengths; teach them to articulate their needs. Gifted kids also have special needs that can be addressed and supported in schools and at home. As a parent, set aside what you think your child's (social, academic, physical) life should look like, and respect your child's own timeline. QuotesAudrey: "Sometimes people are just kind of under the radar. Maybe they aren't diagnosed with something, but their parents just sort of know that they don't move through life the same way that other people do."
Debbie: "Many of the kids in my community may not have a formal diagnosis but a lot of them are extra sensitive, have heightened anxiety and are more tuned in and the world is an intense place for them."
Debbie: "I wanted to cast a wide net and include any sort of narrow atypicality because there are so many of us. But when we stay in our little buckets, we don't get to tap into the collective and recognize the power in our numbers and why things really do need to change."
Audrey: "Sometimes our biggest challenges become our biggest gifts."
Audrey: "You did this journey together with your son, learning how to help him navigate the world and then how to help you navigate the world as a parent. You figured out how to embrace your son and all of his strengths and his uniqueness and help him become his best self. And you helped him be able to articulate to the world who he is and what he needs."
Audrey: "I've always loved delving into all the personality type inventories that just help us learn how the way we see the world or react to things is different from other people and being a little more empathetic and understanding of that as opposed to thinking it's wrong."
Debbie: "We're really looking at this person as an individual human on their own incredible journey. I think it can be really hard when we're just kind of on this treadmill of life, doing what everybody else is doing. Take a conscious step back and say, 'wait a minute--who is this kid and what do they need to do to really thrive?'"
Debbie: "It's not easy to take that pause and to really shift your focus."
Audrey: "Even for people with different interests, the concept that there is one path is so flawed. Kids who aren't academically inclined or school isn't their thing are left feeling like they don't fit in. Often, it beats them down to the point where they don't have the opportunity to explore their interests."
Audrey: "The impact of not letting kids be who they really are and exploring that is coming out in the rise of mental health disorders, substance abuse, and suicide among adolescents and young adults. All of these things can be traced back to the same idea that if you don't fit into some prescribed thing, the world is hard."
Audrey: "We all have a lot of parental shame, insecurity, guilt, worry and often loneliness when we are kind of embarrassed by our kids' behavior or confused or just don't get it."
Debbie: "There's a lot of judging in parenting. It's pervasive and it's really harmful. It hurts us and when people are judging it is triggering their own insecurities. I think it's so important to find safe spaces to connect and to share."
Debbie: "It's important to get clear and remember what the core goal is and that is to support these kids in becoming who they are."
Debbie: "One of the ways we can bolster our foundation is to surround ourselves with people who fully support our family. When we do this, we relax, our kids relax, and we all get to go about our business from a place of confidence. Community changes everything. It lifts us up. It deepens our well of resources. It fuels our bravery. It allows us to be our authentic selves. It reminds me that we and our children are not alone. It's time we ditched the doubters, skeptics, and those will never get it and instead surround ourselves with our people." (Differently Wired, pg. 217)
Debbie: "Part of the process is for us to speak openly, without fear or shame or worry. That's part of the accepting process of knowing that there is no one way to be normal."
Debbie: "I imagine we are going to create a more accepting society if we stop shaming certain behaviors, ostracizing people, or making them feel like they're aberrations when really it's just a different way of being."
Debbie: "One of the biggest gifts we can give a kid is the opportunity to truly know themselves and understand how their brain works and what's going on and then how to advocate for themselves, how to speak up."
Debbie: "When people understand, it changes everything. People are afraid of what they don't understand. In a society that puts so much weight on conforming and fitting in, when we don't understand something, we tend to make up stories about it or push it aside."
Audrey: "For more typically-wired kids, it teaches them super important character traits like kindness, empathy, and compassion."
Debbie: "As parents, we can really spin out and get concerned if what we're seeing in our own family isn't matching our idea of what this should look like. Every child is on their own timeline. Everyone is growing in strengths and may have some lagging skills but they even out eventually. If we can keep our eye on the goal to raise a responsible human being who knows themselves, who understands what they need and has the tools to reach their potential, that's what we're going for."
ResourcesThe Miracle Morning
Learn more about Debbie Reber and TiLT Parenting:
TiLT Parenting on Facebook TiLT Together Facebook Group TiLT Instagramhttp://www.twitter.com/tiltparenting
Related Posts/PodcastsIf you liked this episode, listen to Ep. 104: Know and Love Yourself AND Your Kids
4 Ways to Focus on our Kids' Strengths
Ep. 71: Growing Your Child’s “Bushy Broccoli Brain”
Ep. 30: How to Raise a Durable Human with JJ Madden
10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
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Check out Audrey's book, HAPPY CAMPERS, for insights and ideas for raising thriving future adults. Now available in audio, digital, and print formats. Visit Maureen Healy's website, Growing Happy Kids, for more about Maureen's work and books.
Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes.
In this episode, Maureen Healy, Ph.D., and I talk about her new book, The Happiness Workbook for Kids, which is her brand new, kid-friendly workbook with ideas based on her many years of experience helping children improve their happiness and well-being. We previously discussed The Emotionally Healthy Child, which we discussed back in Ep. 80: The Emotionally Healthy Child with Maureen Healy.
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for Show Notes & Links.
ENCORE NOTES: This incredible book came out just prior to the start of the pandemic. I was privileged to read an early copy and hear Christine speak about it in February, 2020. If you have (or will eventually have) an adolescent, I highly recommend this book. Things have changed since we were their age, and Christine offers her trademark, research-backed wisdom in this must-read.
In this podcast episode, I'm joined by my friend Christine Carter, a sociologist working out of UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and author of some of my favorite parenting books. We are talking about her newest book, The New Adolescence, Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distractions.
Big Ideas As your kids enter adolescence, parents should change their mindset from being their manager to being their coach. As they get older, kids need to be their own manager and take care of more things independently. Kids need less practical support and more emotional support. As their "life coach" you can help them to clarify what outcomes they want and be there for them, without being over-involved. 3 Core Skills Kid Need for the Digital Age: Focus Connection Rest Parents should try to model a life full of focus, connection and rest. The New Adolescence offers tips and talking points on some difficult topics such as sex, drinking alcohol, drugs, and money, and ways to discuss them with your child. The earlier kids start drinking alcohol, and the more they drinking in high school, the more likely it is that they will develop a substance abuse disorder. It is important to note that marijuana today has higher THC and less CBD than in years past and pot use in adolescence has proven to hinder brain development. Real-life social connections are a good antidote for depression, stress, and anxiety. QuotesChristine: "As parents, we haven't adapted to the massive changes (in our culture) and we're not continuing to adapt as things continue to change."
Christine: "If we're used to doing everything for our kids and we find meaning and a sense of purpose in being somebody's chief of staff or manager, then it's hard. It's a loss of a role."
Christine: "Kids need coaches to ask them to clarify what it is they want, what outcomes they are after and to help them to get those outcomes. You can be as emotionally supportive as you want but not over-involved."
Audrey: "Our kids will have setbacks and make mistakes and sometimes get themselves into bad circumstances. These things are going to happen."
Christine: "We can only do our best. I understand why parents are not engaging in some of these harder issues because it's hard to even understand what's going on."
Audrey: "Your book is a great guidebook and it's a great start for people who are struggling. There's this balance that sometimes parents have a hard time finding, between letting your child grow up, gain more responsibility, more independence, trusting them, and changing your relationship."
Audrey: "I think it's very simple to think about changing from being a manager to a coach. You're there for advice. You want them to come to you when they're struggling with something or need some help, but you are not going to, for instance, make their dentist appointment anymore. You share with them the phone number and make sure they know how often they need to go and that kind of thing."
Christine: "We are living through an age of great distraction. At the same time, we're seeing a real change in the type of work these kids are going to be asked to do. Most of them will be paid to think...and focus."
Christine: "They're not developing focus as a skill because they're multitasking all the time. They're constantly interrupted. They never learned to value focus or have the experience of doing deep work."
Christine: "Focus is the superpower of the 21st century. That is the most important thing that they need for their success and happiness. We know that the sort of deep gratification and fulfillment comes from being able to persist in your long term goals. And that takes focus."
Christine: "Building mastery takes focus. The things that are really gratifying to us, take focus. That's different from focusing for hours-on-end on a video game."
Christine: "Connection is the most important predictor of happiness that we have. It's the most consistent finding we have in a hundred or so years of research. Our overall wellbeing is predicted consistently by both the breadth and depth of our real-life social connections."
Christine: "This is a generation that is less connected, ironically, than previous generations. They spend less time with their friends."
Christine: "The human nervous system evolved to be connected in person. We get a lot out of touch, even micro touches, like a pat on the shoulder, and eye contact. Our nervous system doesn't feel alone when it can make eye contact with somebody else."
Christine: "When your nervous system feels like it's alone, as it does when you're alone in your room, but connecting with people over text or social media, it starts to feel stressed."
Audrey: "If parents only do one thing, it's fostering the relationship with their kids and helping their kids foster those close face-to-face relationships."
Christine: "When you look at the tsunami of mental illness that is coming toward us in terms of super high anxiety, depression, suicidality, it's explainable alone from a data standpoint--just by sleep depravation. When you control for sleep, all the problems start to go away."
Christine: "Kids are the most under-slept teenagers we've ever seen. It's really affecting their mental health. They're under the impression that they need to stay up late, that it's more important to study than to sleep, that they're too busy to take breaks."
Christine: "Our culture believes in busy-ness like it's a sign of your value, your productivity, your importance. And of course, none of that's true. It's completely limiting belief. But this is how we operate and our kids have picked up on this. They don't rest and it impairs their brain development."
Audrey: "I'm better at what I do when I take breaks, if I get a good nights' sleep, if I have plenty of time to read, time with my friends, I'm better at everything else. Those rest breaks make me better."
Audrey: "It's not that the screens are bad, there are lots of fun things that happen and connection, it's what it has replaced when kids are on them all the time."
Christine: "If you have a kid who's struggling, they're not alone. You're not alone. It's really hard for all of us and there are a lot of resources out there."
Christine: "We just have to engage. We just have to do our best. Once you have some more tools, you'll be able to do better. You'll see the quality of your relationship with your kids will change."
About Christine[caption id="attachment_7187" align="alignright" width="243"] Photo Credit: Blake Farrington[/caption]
Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a sociologist and the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (2017) and Raising Happiness (2011). A senior fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, Carter draws on the latest scientific research in psychology, sociology, and neuroscience — and uses her own often hilarious real-world experiences — to give parenting, productivity and happiness advice. She lives with her husband, four teenagers, and dog Buster in Marin County, California.
ResourcesChristine's free downloads are available on her website.
Follow Christine of Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, or LinkedIn
Her books: Raising Happiness, The Sweet Spot, The New Adolescence
Coaching resources
Christine Carter's Blog
Greater Good Magazine
RelatedEp. 1: Raising Happiness with Christine Carter
Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, Christine Carter, Ph.D.
Ep. 41: Getting Comfortable with our Kids’ (and our own) Discomfort with Christine Carter
The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work, Christine Carter
Ep. 123: Connection Comes First
Ep. 93: Teaching Healthy Relationship Skills to Improve Lives
Ep. 92: Creating Strong Relationships with Teens
Connection Through Questions
Ep. 2: 10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
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Audio excerpt from Audrey Monke's book, HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.
Available at Audible.
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