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In this episode, Merissa talks about her new book, “Forget Prayers, Bring Cake: A Single Woman’s Guide to Grieving”, and about her experience of her father’s death.
Merissa’s book is part memoir and part a roadmap to navigating grief. A theme in her writing, and in our conversation, is innovating when rituals and practices no longer work for us. Merissa has a way of investigating the relationship between feelings and actions/rituals that I found interesting and helpful. This reflective practice can help us understand what to do with religious rituals when they cease to feel purposeful or connective.
I’m also thinking about how we might use this practice for personal long-held beliefs, specifically about end of life things. I hope this can be an opportunity and invitation to check-in, to really pay attention to what feelings bubble up, and to consider the possibility of rewriting the script.
I hope you enjoy listening to Merissa’s stories and reflections.
About Merissa Nathan Gerson:
Merissa is a writer, speaker, and spiritual consultant. Her work focuses on grief and grieving, inherited trauma, sex and intimacy, and how these themes relate to religion, disability, and identity.
She was the intergenerational trauma consultant to Amazon's hit show Transparent and has writing featured in The New York Times, Playboy Magazine, The Atlantic, Elle.com, Tablet Magazine, Lilith Magazine, and beyond. After releasing a 2018 ELI Talk on consent and Talmud, she founded www.KenMeansYes.org to address the need for consent education in Jewish spaces.
Merissa lives, writes and works in New Orleans, Louisiana. She teaches Alternative Journalism at Tulane University.
Hebrew and Jewish References Explained:
Aninut: The period of time from when one learns about the death of a loved one until burial. Learn more about aninut and being an onen here.
Kaddish: Aramaic for “sanctification”, it is the name of a type of prayer. There are a few types of kaddish including the Mourner’s Kaddish traditionally recited daily for a year by someone mourning the death of a loved one.
Minyan: A Hebrew word for the quorum of ten Jewish adults required for certain religious obligations including specific prayers like the mourner kaddish.
Rosh Hashanah: The Jewish New Year.
Shiva: Hebrew for “seven” and it is the week-long ritual period of mourning after a burial.
Yahrtzeit: Yiddish for “anniversary of a death”.
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In this episode, Stephanie talks about her work at Plaza Jewish Community Chapel - a non-profit funeral chapel in New York City -and shares the experiences that led her to this world and continue to drive her today.
I connected with Stephanie after reading an article she authored: It’s Time to Elevate End-of-Life Conversations to Build Jewish Community. I was already curious to learn about how a non-profit funeral chapel operates, and learning about the advocacy work made it even more exciting to connect. Stephanie was enthusiastic and patiently answered all my questions. Even though Stephanie’s day-to-day work focuses on the living rather than the deceased, end of life plays a central role in all that she does. After we talked, I found myself reflecting on the role of living in talking about and promoting end of life conversations - both as a responsibility and as a potential blessing for the ones we love.
When we reconnected to record the podcast, I was easily able to capture Stephanie’s enthusiasm and warmth, and I’m thrilled to share her work and story with you.
About Stephanie Garry:
Stephanie is the Executive Vice President of Communal Partnerships at Plaza Jewish Community Chapel. Originally from the Midwest, Stephanie has always been involved in the Jewish Community, even during the 25 years she was an actor, appearing in over 1500 commercials. Stephanie is a member of Congregation Rodeph Sholom where she is a member of the caring committee and a member of Temple Shaaray Tefila in New York City. She is a board member of Jewish Womens Foundation of New York and The Hadassah Foundation. Stephanie is also an associate member of the National Association of Temple Administrators and is a long-standing member of the lay advisory board of The New York Board of Rabbis.
Hebrew and Jewish References Explained:
Chevrah Kadisha: Aramaic in origin is the term for Jewish burial societies, also translated as “holy friends” or “sacred society”
Kosher: According to the requirements of Jewish law
Shmirah/Shomer: From the Hebrew word “to watch” or “guard”. There is a custom of watch the body of a deceased person from the time of death until burial- this is one of the roles for members of the chevrah kadisha
Tahara: The ritual of washing, cleansing, and dressing a body for burial. This is a role of the chevra kadisha
Yahrtzeit: Yiddish for “anniversary of a death”. There is a ritual to mark the anniversary by lighting a memorial candle.
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In this episode, Arielle shares how she came to be an End of Life Consultant, talks about her work through a Jewish lens, and explores how end of life conversations don’t usually include young people and why we need to change that.
Arielle and I met a few years ago when we bonded over our love for Jewish ritual. When I began the Be.Side Project several friends reached out and asked “have you talked to Arielle yet?!”. We happily reconnected over our shared understanding that talking about death should be both accessible and intergenerational. I hope you enjoy hearing Arielle’s passion and wisdom as she shares her story and vision for how we could be approaching the end of life.
About Arielle Friedtanzer:
Arielle Friedtanzer received an individualized Master’s degree at NYU in May 2018, concentrating in Judaic Studies, Bioethics, and Social Work, and has completed 800 clinical hours with the goal of becoming an interfaith chaplain. She traveled the country with her husband for almost 20 months before taking a pause due to COVID-19 travel restrictions, at which point she turned the in-person workshops and presentations she had been doing on the road to help communities engage in conversations about advanced care planning, death, and grief into virtual events, including her weekly Facebook Live series, Millennials and Mortality Mondays. She now lives in Los Angeles and works as a Client Care Lead for Lighten, helping families plan virtual and in-person memorials and celebrations of life.
Hebrew and Jewish References Explained:
Shiva: Hebrew for “seven” and it is the week-long ritual period of mourning after a burial.
Misheberakh: The Jewish prayer for the sick
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In this episode, Emiliya shares about her experiences of grief and loss and how she connects those pieces of herself to Judaism and her work in the scientific study and application of Positive Psychology.
Before talking with Emiliya, I knew little about Positive Psychology. It was fascinating to learn more and also where it intersects with Judaism. It turns out the two are a well-made match in ways that Judaism both celebrates life and honors death.
About Emiliya Zhivotovskaya:
Emiliya is the CEO and founder of The Flourishing Center, a New York City based Benefit Corporation (B-Corp) that is dedicated to increasing the flourishing of individuals, organizations, and communities world wide. She is the creator of the acclaimed Certification in Applied Positive Psychology (CAPP) program offered in 11 cities across the U.S., Canada and online worldwide which has trained over 700 practitioners to date.
Hebrew and Jewish References Explained:
Bar/Bat/B’nai Mitzvah: A coming of age ceremony and celebration when a child reaches 12 or 13 to mark their entrance into a new phase of Jewish life, one where they can participate in more mitzvah’s, commandments.
Mezuzah: Mezuzah means doorpost and it’s a scroll of parchment with the Hebrew prayer Shema written on it, rolled into a decorative case, and affixed to the doorposts of living spaces.
Shiva: Hebrew for “seven” and it is the week-long ritual period of mourning after a burial.
Shloshim: Hebrew for "thirty”, it is the first thirty days after a loved one has died, a designated period of mourning in which there are specific rituals and customs.
Torah: The Hebrew Bible, the first five books of Moses.
Positive Judaism: Learn more about where Positive Psychology and Judaism meet
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In this episode, Holly Blue Hawkins shares about her role in end of life care and advocacy and about the way she came to her work and Judaism.
Heading into the conversation, I expected we would focus on the present day, but it was in the journey that I found myself wanting to stay and listen. It's a reminder that how we get to places is as important as the places themselves.
About Holly Blue Hawkins:
Holly Blue Hawkins is a Natural Deathcare advocate, educator, community organizer, cemeterian, author and poet. As a Gamliel Institute graduate and faculty, member of the Green Burial Council Speakers Bureau, Rosha Chevra Kadisha, past member of the Board of Trustees of the Funeral Consumers Alliance of California, and independent consultant with over 35 years of experience, Holly Blue provides education and training in a wide range of end-of-life subjects in both Jewish and secular settings. She has visited countless natural burial sites from England to Hawai’i and is a regular presenter at Limmud UK in a variety of end-of-life topics. She has trained home funeral guides, consulted with cemetery management and mortuary care center personnel, and taught community college extension courses in all aspects of estate planning and the need for environmentally sustainable and culturally-sensitive practices and facilities.
Hebrew and Jewish References Explained:
Am Yisrael: Hebrew for “the people of Israel” or “the nation of Israel”
Chevra Kadisha: Aramaic in origin is the term for Jewish burial societies, also translated as “holy friends” or “sacred society”
Omer: A period of 49 days between the Jewish holidays of Passover and Shavuot. There is a practice to count each of the days
Shmirah/Shomer: From the Hebrew word “to watch” or “guard”. There is a custom of watch the body of a deceased person from the time of death until burial- this is one of the roles for members of the chevra kadisha
Tahara: The ritual of washing, cleansing, and dressing a body for burial. This is a role of the chevra kadisha
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In this episode Rabbi Jessica Minnen teaches me about the story of Onan and we explore how this text about a guy who pulled out during sex may or may not have led to the word "onen” which is the word for someone in deep grief immediately following the death of a loved one, before the burial.
About Rabbi Jessica Minnen:
Rabbi Jessica Minnen is an educator, writer, and Clubhouse enthusiast. Part of the founding team of OneTable, she now serves as the organization's Rabbi in Residence. Originally from Paducah, Kentucky, she is an alumna of Washington University in St. Louis, the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies, Paideia: The European Institute for Jewish Studies in Sweden, Baltimore Hebrew University, and the Jewish Theological Seminary. Jess lives in Denver, Colorado with one little kid and one little pup.
Hebrew and Jewish References Explained:
Onen: Someone who is in a deep state of grief immediately following the death of a loved one but before a burial. After a burial the mourner becomes an "aveil" or "aveilah"
Halacha: The collective body of Jewish religious laws derived from the written and Oral Torah
Karet: A biblical term for someone who has been "cut off" from the community as punishment
Mikvah: A pool of natural waters for Jewish ritual immersion
Niddah: Laws surrounding purity and particularly referencing a menstruating person
Torah: The Hebrew Bible, the first five books of Moses
Yom Kippur: The Day of Atonement, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar
Tikva Frymer-Kensky: Was a professor and scholar of biblical studies, Jewish studies, and women and religion
Sefaria: an online open source free content digital library of Jewish texts
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Sometimes pieces of conversation have to get cut and sometimes those pieces are too good to let drift away. Here’s one more of Al sharing about death in their family and processing grief on grief’s schedule.
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Al Rosenberg is a great many things including a strategist, a writer, an artist, and a fantastic storyteller. They're also living with an autoimmune disease that forces them to face their mortality all the time.
This episode covers topics from the drama of certain Jewish ritual, what you probably shouldn't say to someone who is dying, to moments of joy and blessing.
About Al Rosenberg:
Al Rosenberg (they/them) is the Chief Strategy Officer at OneTable, a writer, a community lover, and a Jewish non-profit professional. They spend most of their time thinking about Shabbat dinner and reading a book a week. They live in Skokie with their perfect partner and their three terribly behaved cats.
Hebrew and Jewish References Explained:
Achrayut: from the Hebrew word for "other" it refers to responsibility and having a responsibility to one another.
Mourner's Kaddish: Kaddish is Aramaic for “sanctification”, it is the name of a type of prayer. There are a few types of kaddish including the Mourner’s Kaddish traditionally recited daily for a year by someone mourning the death of a loved one.
Rosh Chodesh: From Hebrew, it literally translates to the "head of the month", it is the name for the first day of a new month on the Jewish calendar.
Shiva: Hebrew for “seven” and is the week-long ritual period of mourning after a burial.
Washing the body/Tahara: From the Hebrew for "pure", the washing of the body is a Jewish purification ritual before burial.
Yom Kippur: One of the High Holy Days, also known as the Day of Atonement, it is a day filled with many rituals including fasting, wearing white (to symbolize death), and as Al references, wailing.
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In this episode, Rabbi Lisa Goldstein joins me to talk about Honi Hame’agel, Honi the Circlemaker.
About Rabbi Lisa Goldstein:
Lisa is a rabbi, teacher and facilitator with almost 25 years of executive experience. For many years she was the director of Hillel of San Diego, creating vibrant, welcoming communities for all kinds of college students. And recently, was the Executive Director of the Institute for Jewish Spirituality, a global leader of Jewish mindfulness and spiritual practices. She has taught Jewish mindfulness meditation, prayer, and spiritual practice in various contexts for 20 years.
Hebrew and Jewish references explained:
Talmud: A Hebrew word that comes from the root to “study” or “learn”, it is the central Rabbinic text for Jewish law
Psalms: A collection of sacred poetry that are often turned to in times of need or distress. The two that we talk about are Psalm 126 and Psalm 90
Birkat Hamazon: Hebrew for blessing (or grace) after the meal
Shtetl: Yiddish for “little town”
Torah: The first five books of the Hebrew bible/scriptures
Honi Hame’agel: Read the whole Honi story on Sefaria.org
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Analucía is a Peruvian-Chilean-American who openly and intentionally shares about death and dying, reflecting on how the concept was introduced when she was a child and sharing the experience of confronting it as a young adult when her mother died. Analucía is also a world traveler, an active member and contributor to the Jewish community, and the Founder and Executive Director of Jewtina y Co.
Hebrew and Jewish references explained:
Kaddish: Aramaic for "sanctification", it is the name of a type of prayer. There are a few types of kaddish and here Analucía is referencing the Mourner's Kaddish traditionally recited daily for a year by someone mourning the death of a loved one.
Shiva: Hebrew for “seven” and is the week-long ritual period of mourning after a burial.
Shloshim: Hebrew for "thirty', it is the first thirty days after a loved one has died, a designated period of mourning in which there are specific rituals and customs.
Moishe House: A global organization where young adults in their 20's create vibrant Jewish community. Click here to learn more about the retreats Analucía references.
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Welcome to the Be.Side Project, an exploration of where the end of life and Judaism intersect.
In this episode I speak with Dan Fendel a death doula, a spiritual care volunteer, and an active member of the Jewish community teaching about jewish end of life practices and making conversations about dying approachable.
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Dan Fendel is the co-founder of the Chevrah Kadisha at Temple Sinai, he has been a Spiritual Care Volunteer at Kaiser Hospital in Oakland since 2014, and is a leader of the Melaveh project.
Dan is also a Board member for Kavod v’Nichum, a North American organization providing resources, education, and training along the Jewish end-of-life continuum, and a faculty member and Acting Dean of Kavod v’Nichum’s online educational program, the Gamliel Institute. He has also co-authored several books.
Resources:
The Melaveh Project and the article I stumbled into about the project
Kavod V’Nichum
We Remember Them by Sylvan Kamens and Rabbi Jack Riemer
The poem Dan referencesChesed Shel Emet: The Truest Act of Kindness, Exploring the Meaning of Taharah by Rabbi Stuart Kelman and Dan Fendel
Hebrew and Jewish references explained:
Bikur Cholim: Hebrew for “visiting the sick”
Nechama: Hebrew for comfort, a nechama group might be a group of people providing comfort to community members
Chevra Kadisha: Aramaic in origin is the term for Jewish burial societies, also translated as “holy friends” or “sacred society”
Melaveh: Hebrew for “one who accompanies”
Shiva minyan: Shiva is hebrew for “seven” and is the week-long period of mourning after a burial. A minyan is the term for a group of 10 Jewish adults who gather to pray. As certain prayers can only be said in a quorum of 10, the minyan is brought to the mourners.
Elohai neshama shenatati bi tahorah hi: From the morning prayers. It translates to “My God, the soul you have given me is pure”. You can read where it comes from in the context of the text here and also there’s a beautiful reflection on the text from My Jewish Learning.
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Kicking off this podcast with an intro and some musing on how I came to find myself exploring where Judaism meets death + dying.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit besideproject.substack.com -
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit besideproject.substack.com
