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Emily and Dan discuss tech boundaries, modeling good device behavior, internet safety for kids, and more in this season’s final episode.
Social media, cell phones, and all things electronic couldn’t be more important to pivotal children and teens. In this final episode of the season, Emily and Dan unpack today’s issues around tech and kids.
Most parents give their children iPads to entertain or educate them while they are busy, but at what point does the device become the babysitter or crutch and your child addicted to the screen? Emily and Dan’s children currently have flip phones, not iPhones, and iPads and they go into why.
As parents, we also need to look at our own tech boundaries to see how we are modeling our electronic relationships. Most people aren’t honest with themselves about screen usage and Emily and Dan offer suggestions for modeling good device behavior with your kids.
Internet safety for kids on social media and apps has never been more important. Emily and Dan discuss a controversial answer to this problem, that kids do not deserve the right to privacy, where they each land on the issue, and how exchanging privacy builds trust. They then discuss how to establish ways for kids to practice privacy.
Ultimately being clear, setting expectations and guidelines around the devices is the best way to create tech boundaries. Dan wraps up by offering great mindset shifts around how we approach phones, both in terms of their immense power and possibilities and the destruction they can cause.
Episode Outline:
(03:18) Modern kid phone problems
(08:27) What gets measured gets managed
(18:15) Internet safety and the right to privacy
(22:09) Installing tech boundaries, expectations, and guidelines
(28:05) Is it the parents or the tech company’s job to keep kids safe?
(39:18) Building skills to interact digitally
(40:54) Pros and cons of the current generation’s technology
(46:10) Do this before giving a kid a device
(51:00) First season wrap up
Connect with Dan and Emily:
Great Job! Website
Great Job! Twitter
Great Job! Facebook
Great Job! LinkedIn
About Dan and Emily:
We’re Dan and Emily Mall, the parents behind Great Job! We’ve known each other since 5th grade, been together for over twenty years, and have spent the last 12 years raising our two daughters, Sidda and Charlie. We started this space after we noticed a lot of our friends and teachers (and our kids’ friends’ parents) coming to us for advice or to compliment the way our kids sometimes show up in the world. We wanted a way to share our stories of what’s worked and hasn’t for parents and caregivers, who, like us, struggle with raising amazing humans.
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In this episode, Emily and Dan break down goal-setting and habit-building for families. For many parents, the beginning of the new school year can feel more monumental than the new year, so they recommend focusing on intentional goals and habit-building over resolutions.
Emily and Dan emphasize that successful habits are rooted in identifying a clear destination. Drawing from his experience assisting corporate teams, Dan shares three goal-setting strategies that can be seamlessly adapted to family dynamics. Other business tools, like the 10-year strategy, can also be used to craft a visionary roadmap for your family's future.
Identifying that goal in the first place may feel difficult, however. Knowing if you tend towards being a visionary or implementer can be helpful. Emily and Dan offer examples of each and then give practical suggestions to help each type improve their ability to identify goals.
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Episode Outline:
(03:16) Favoring habits and goal setting over New Year’s resolutions
(05:40) Emily and Dan’s habits
(09:14) Better boundaries around technology and scheduling
(16:13) Destination planning + goal setting
(24:42) Visionaries and implementers
Resources Referenced:
When by Daniel Pink
Greenlight family banking app
The Vision Driven Leader by Michael Hyatt
Traction by Gino Wickman
Connect with Dan and Emily:
Great Job! Website
Great Job! Twitter
Great Job! Facebook
Great Job! LinkedIn
About Dan and Emily:
We’re Dan and Emily Mall, the parents behind Great Job! We’ve known each other since 5th grade, been together for over twenty years, and have spent the last 12 years raising our two daughters, Sidda and Charlie. We started this space after we noticed a lot of our friends and teachers (and our kids’ friends’ parents) coming to us for advice or to compliment the way our kids sometimes show up in the world. We wanted a way to share our stories of what’s worked and hasn’t for parents and caregivers, who, like us, struggle with raising amazing humans.
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Emily and Dan dig into how parents can co-create healthy boundaries with and for their children so that kids learn to take responsibility for their lives and choices.
In the previous episode, Boundaries, Part 1, Emily and Dan defined boundaries, how to have them, and what they can look like. In this episode they hone in on boundaries with kids.
Boundaries are so important in all people because they instill behaviors of self control, responsibility, freedom, and love. Without good boundaries rooted in childhood, issues with impulse control, addiction, and irresponsibility have been shown to arise later in life.
Boundaries are a learned skill, and a child’s first experience of them is within family. Emily and Dan remind us that children essentially don’t know what they’re doing, which is why they have parents to love them, provide structure, and guide them to maturity.
How a child handles their own boundaries directly reflects a parent’s relationship to their own boundaries. Dan shares four ways that people learn boundaries: modeling, coaching, directing, and mentoring. Emily then layers on top the ten core tenants of Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Robert Townsend.
Stay in the loop and sign up for the Great Job! newsletter.
Episode Outline:
(00:45) Boundaries are a learned skill
(04:22) Caretakers help the external become internal
(06:56) Boundaries for the the pivotal years
(09:26) Dan’s 4 ways people learn boundaries
(16:46) The power and normalization of cursing
(26:55) Responsibility, power, and respect
(30:26) Motivation, commitment and accountability for the pivotal ages
(34:53) Evaluation, productivity, envy, activity, and exposure
Resources Referenced:
Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Robert Townsend
Dr. Becky’s Instagram
Good Inside with Dr. Becky podcast
Connect with Dan and Emily:
Great Job! Website
Great Job! Twitter
Great Job! Facebook
Great Job! LinkedIn
About Dan and Emily:
We’re Dan and Emily Mall, the parents behind Great Job! We’ve known each other since 5th grade, been together for over twenty years, and have spent the last 12 years raising our two daughters, Sidda and Charlie. We started this space after we noticed a lot of our friends and teachers (and our kids’ friends’ parents) coming to us for advice or to compliment the way our kids sometimes show up in the world. We wanted a way to share our stories of what’s worked and hasn’t for parents and caregivers, who, like us, struggle with raising amazing humans.
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In this episode Emily and Dan define boundaries, break down the four types of boundaries, and offer examples from their lives of boundaries in practice.
Boundaries are so critical to Emily and Dan, they’re what inspired The Great Job! Podcast in the first place!
Emily and Dan define boundaries as where a person begins and ends. Boundaries are often misunderstood because they are such an abstract concept. They offer several examples of boundaries in action so we can learn to identify them more readily.
Emily and Dan each suggest several boundary-related books that they read to understand the concepts and then detail what Nina Brown describes as the four types of boundaries: soft boundaries, or enmeshment, rigid boundaries, squishy boundaries, and flexible boundaries.
As people, we move through each of the four types all the time as we navigate life. Each type of boundary also has the possibility to be enforced to an extreme, either too much or too little.
Maintaining a boundary is the hardest, and most meaningful, part of the process. Emily shares a recent story of upholding a boundary with her mother-in-law and how she is so glad she did because expressing our boundaries is the quickest way to banish resentment and bitterness in relationships.
Stay in the loop and sign up for the Great Job! newsletter.
Episode Outline:
(00:18) Boundaries are where you begin and end as a person
(06:36) Soft boundaries
(13:23) Rigid boundaries
(15:31) No is a complete sentence
(19:02) A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else
(21:01) Holding the boundary is the hardest part
(28:18) Spongy vs flexible boundaries
(31:11) What boundaries are not
(33:33) Boundaries and kids
Resources Referenced:
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Robert Townsend
Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Robert Townsend
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Nedra Glover Tawwab Instagram
Coping with Infurating, Mean, Critical People by Nina Brown
Connect with Dan and Emily:
Great Job! Website
Great Job! Twitter
Great Job! Facebook
Great Job! LinkedIn
About Dan and Emily:
We’re Dan and Emily Mall, the parents behind Great Job! We’ve known each other since 5th grade, been together for over twenty years, and have spent the last 12 years raising our two daughters, Sidda and Charlie. We started this space after we noticed a lot of our friends and teachers (and our kids’ friends’ parents) coming to us for advice or to compliment the way our kids sometimes show up in the world. We wanted a way to share our stories of...
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In this episode Emily and Dan share their love and hate for traditions. Just as every family’s value system will be different, their views on traditions will be too.
Emily and Dan share a religious upbringing that greatly shaped what traditions, especially holiday traditions, mean to them. They share a desire to question each year how they would like to celebrate, or not, a tradition, as well as also carrying through certain aspects of one.
For kids, traditions bring stability, helping a child build self esteem and confidence, making them feel safe and secure. They reduce the cognitive load, especially for parents, to know what they should be doing. They can also feel boring, repetitive, and meaningless. As much as traditions are inclusive they can also be exclusive and carry unnecessary pressure to behave a certain way.
This year Emily and Dan are bringing the question of what to do for the holiday season for the entire family to decide at their MFP, the Monthly Family Party. An MFP is one of the Mall family’s favorite traditions. They are a place to talk about what’s coming up, what’s working or not working, to get on the same page, and most importantly to ensure they are all living their best lives together.
The holidays are a time where many family values are engaged at once, and for the Malls that includes their ‘whoever wants it more does the work’ philosophy, gender norms, being different, and respecting other people’s boundaries.
Stay in the loop and sign up for the Great Job! newsletter.
Episode Outline:
(01:11) 3 things Emily can’t stand about traditions
(03:12) Traditions can be good for kids and reduce cognitive overload
(06:52) The influence of a religious upbringing on experiencing tradition
(11:27) Monthly Family Parties (formerly known as meetings)
(16:05) Being nontraditional is a tradition!
(24:50) Expectations meet Christmas presents
(30:22) ‘Whoever wants it more does the work’ returns
(33:09) Traditions are a spectrum
Connect with Dan and Emily:
Great Job! Website
Great Job! Twitter
Great Job! Facebook
Great Job! LinkedIn
About Dan and Emily:
We’re Dan and Emily Mall, the parents behind Great Job! We’ve known each other since 5th grade, been together for over twenty years, and have spent the last 12 years raising our two daughters, Sidda and Charlie. We started this space after we noticed a lot of our friends and teachers (and our kids’ friends’ parents) coming to us for advice or to compliment the way our kids sometimes show up in the world. We wanted a way to share our stories of what’s worked and hasn’t for parents and caregivers, who, like us, struggle with raising amazing humans.
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A strong value system supports a family in making aligned decisions as individuals and as a unit. Everyone knows about the Golden Rule, but what other values are there? Emily and Dan deep dive into all things value-related.
Having and stating family values creates a context so that it is easier for everyone to know their role, how to make decisions, and to understand where they fit into the family system. Values are a belief that makes you act a certain way. If we figure out how we want to behave in general, that understanding can be applied to specific situations.
Emily and Dan offer examples of values in action and the processes of identifying them. As differentiators, value systems will vary by family and that is something to be celebrated!
Before the episode they each wrote down what they believe to be their family’s values. They gained so much insight by comparing their lists. Sometimes putting a name to what we think is implicit is really helpful for getting on the same page.
Starting from scratch can feel overwhelming to identify family values. Sometimes naming the values as they emerge organically from one’s actions is a solid place to start, identifying the behavior as experienced real time. One benchmark for knowing when to have your family’s values identified could be by the time your child starts asking why, around 3 or 4 years old, and absolutely by the time they are in their pivotals.
Stay in the loop and sign up for the Great Job! newsletter.
Episode Outline:
(00:20) The importance of having and defining family values
(04:37) Are values rule-based?
(09:37) Prioritizing self care, trying new things, and making mistakes
(13:05) Own your own feelings
(14:54) Advice, encouragement, and boundaries
(17:53) Value zones: boundaries, integrity, responsibility, feelings
(23:12) The when, where, how, why of creating family values
(29:44) How to start defining your family’s values
(31:12) Creating a physical value list for the kids
Connect with Dan and Emily:
Great Job! Website
Great Job! Twitter
Great Job! Facebook
Great Job! LinkedIn
About Dan and Emily:
We’re Dan and Emily Mall, the parents behind Great Job! We’ve known each other since 5th grade, been together for over twenty years, and have spent the last 12 years raising our two daughters, Sidda and Charlie. We started this space after we noticed a lot of our friends and teachers (and our kids’ friends’ parents) coming to us for advice or to compliment the way our kids sometimes show up in the world. We wanted a way to share our stories of what’s worked and hasn’t for parents and caregivers, who, like us, struggle with raising amazing humans.
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For Emily and Dan, one of their core family values supporting their parenting style is being different. Embodying their uniqueness as it serves their family context best helps their children understand why they may make different choices from their friend’s parents and why that is OK.
Emily sums up her research about the four core parenting styles. Dan points out the challenges of identifying the parenting styles you’re perpetuating from your childhood just because it feels familiar. He also highlights the need to recognize your ideal parenting style versus your actual parenting style. Identifying and understanding your own parent’s parenting style can also help to identify your own.
1. Authoritarian: because-I-said-so style parenting, decision-making logic not shared from parent to child, relates to tiger parenting
2. Authoritative: balance between structure and independence, related to lighthouse parenting
3. Permissive: parents act more as a peer to the child, relates to free range and hands-off parenting styles
4. Uninvolved parenting: limited interaction between parent and child
The duo have learned a lot about these styles from parenting books and especially one of their favorite shows, Supernanny, and conclude the survey by trying to identify their own style.
Stay in the loop and sign up for the Great Job! newsletter.
Episode Outline:
(00:28) Being different as a family value
(04:50) The Halloween tweet that divided the internet
(10:26) Authoritarian style parenting
(13:54) Authoritative style parenting
(15:46) Permissive style parenting
(21:18) Learning conflict resolution from Supernanny
(25:14) Emily and Dan identify their parenting style
Connect with Dan and Emily:
Great Job! Website
Great Job! Twitter
Great Job! Facebook
Great Job! LinkedIn
About Dan and Emily:
We’re Dan and Emily Mall, the parents behind Great Job! We’ve known each other since 5th grade, been together for over twenty years, and have spent the last 12 years raising our two daughters, Sidda and Charlie. We started this space after we noticed a lot of our friends and teachers (and our kids’ friends’ parents) coming to us for advice or to compliment the way our kids sometimes show up in the world. We wanted a way to share our stories of what’s worked and hasn’t for parents and caregivers, who, like us, struggle with raising amazing humans.
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In this episode, Emily and Dan tackle the siren song of balance.
Balance can be a fleeting, slippery ideal to strive for. Just as you realize you’ve struck something of a balance, in a relationship or with work, it’s slipped away.
Emily and Dan share their varying definitions of balance and how those definitions ebb and flow within their own personal lives, as their children grow up, and as their goals evolve. The whole of their individual preferences as well as the needs of the family unit together build a more realistic picture of balance than a static concept.
Recognizing the impermanence of balance and its wide definition releases the pressure to achieve some utopian balance, a pressure we never mean to put on ourselves but are all guilty of falling into.
Emily shares that as an introvert, she finds a lot of balance in presence, but sometimes that presence has a more introverted nature to it. Learning to be more vulnerable in sharing her true needs and boundaries has deepened her connection with their children and helps her needs to be met.
They conclude that a healthy marker of balance for their family is enoughness, or in other words, when each family member receives enough time, space, togetherness, etc. to satisfy their individual and collective needs.
Stay in the loop and sign up for the Great Job! newsletter.
Episode Outline:
(00:41) Balance is a feeling
(03:57) Working towards being better over being perfect
(09:37) Balance is seasonal
(14:54) Transitional balance during the pivotal ages
(16:35) Balance is presence
(20:33) Vulnerability brings connection, especially for introverts
(24:02) Balance is enoughness
Connect with Dan and Emily:
Great Job! Website
Great Job! Twitter
Great Job! Facebook
Great Job! LinkedIn
About Dan and Emily:
We’re Dan and Emily Mall, the parents behind Great Job! We’ve known each other since 5th grade, been together for over twenty years, and have spent the last 12 years raising our two daughters, Sidda and Charlie. We started this space after we noticed a lot of our friends and teachers (and our kids’ friends’ parents) coming to us for advice or to compliment the way our kids sometimes show up in the world. We wanted a way to share our stories of what’s worked and hasn’t for parents and caregivers, who, like us, struggle with raising amazing humans.
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Welcome to the inaugural episode of The Great Job! Podcast hosted by Emily and Dan Mall. The couple sees parenting as a (great!) job with no rule book. Much like in their marriage, the duo are learning everyday, every step of the way by making very intentional choices.
Their two children have entered what they call the pivotal age, commonly known as the tween years. Not only is this stretch of time transitional for their children in many ways, but also for themselves as parents. Emily and Dan discuss having to confront your own childhood stuff while parenting in real time, and how to handle modern technology issues, like cell phone boundaries, as parents without any generational precedent.
Emily and Dan then introduce the five key areas of parenting that The Great Job! Podcast will be exploring this season and why each is so important to consider.
1. Family values: how can we figure out what we hold really important in order to simplify decision making?
2. Boundaries: what even are they? And what do they look like in real life?
3. Teaching life skills: should my child be able to do x,y,z by a certain age?
4. Emotions: because so many feelings come up when parenting and as a child, how do we regulate our ability to express emotions?
5. Mental health: how do we work through the hard stuff?
Expect at least two sides to every issue! Emily and Dan love to have a healthy debate and encourage the same from their kids. They wrap up the episode by sharing what it's been like to work together on this podcast project, and how it differs from other projects they have collaborated on in the past. They may have been pals since elementary school but new experiences bring out new sides of each other to learn about and appreciate.
Stay in the loop and sign up for the Great Job! newsletter.
Episode Outline:
(00:07) Raising kids comes with no handbook
(04:30) The pivotal years mark transitions for kids and parents
(13:01) Introducing the five parenting topic areas of the podcast
(18:59) Working together professionally for the first time
(24:01) The beauty of healthy disagreement
(25:22) Whoever wants it more does the work
Connect with Dan and Emily:
Great Job! Website
Great Job! Twitter
Great Job! Facebook
Great Job! LinkedIn
About Dan and Emily:
We’re Dan and Emily Mall, the parents behind Great Job! We’ve known each other since 5th grade, been together for over twenty years, and have spent the last 12 years raising our two daughters, Sidda and Charlie. We started this space after we noticed a lot of our friends and teachers (and our kids’ friends’ parents) coming to us for advice or to compliment the way our kids sometimes show up in the world. We wanted a way to share our stories of what’s worked and hasn’t for parents and caregivers, who, like us, struggle with raising amazing humans.
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Welcome to the Great Job! Podcast, the show that reminds you that as a parent or caretaker, you're doing just that – a great job. In each episode, you'll hear stories, practices, and strategies related to topics like building boundaries, understanding different parenting styles, approaching difficult conversations with your kids, and so much more.
Your hosts, Emily and Dan Mall have been together for over twenty years and have spent the last twelve raising their two daughters. They believe everyone deserves a non-judgmental space to show up as themselves, share, make mistakes, and grow, and they're here to help you set up the best future possible for your kids and family.
Join them for weekly episodes curated for intentionally raising amazing humans.
Keep up to date with Emily and Dan, the podcast, and more at greatjob.kids.
