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This episode is all tools for stepping back from the process of negative rumination and choosing a different path: awareness, neutrality and openness. A lot of what we live through is created in our mind, and thoughts catalyze more similar thoughts. When it comes to negative rumination, a lot of these thought sequences are based in old, strong emotional imprints from long ago that are triggered in the present.
When we get into a negative thought loop, a sequence of feelings is created by an initial thought. For example, “I am sad because I am alone tonight, and this person didn’t call me back.” Which catalyzes, “Where am I in my life?” Which catalyzes, “Now I feel emotionally low” which triggers the brain’s desire to double down on this feeling and wallow in this rapidly increasing feeling of sadness. This catalyzes the next thought and the next one and the next one after that.
I am doing something super simple in this episode: I am writing directions for how to dismantle these kinds of thought sequences. What happens is our brain is fighting for control over feelings of pain, powerlessness, and ego-threat by rationalizing it: giving it a logical set of terms and labels. When we have a blip of anxiety or pain, we say, “This feeling is from this present-day thing in my life.” And we have already jumped on the bandwagon of that sequence of feelings, thinking we are in control of managing it when in reality, we are creating it.
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This is a GREAT podcast for moms that I have learned a lot from. It’s called “3 in 30 Takeaways for Moms” – it’s hosted by Rachel Nielson, a mom who seeks out the advice professionals for actionable advice around child-rearing. Rachel is a lover of practical ideas, conversations with kindred spirits, and her two wild miracle children who keep life interesting. I’m a mom so I am always looking for podcasts that help with child-rearing.
In this excerpt from episode 401 of 3 in 30, Rachel interviews board certified integrative family physician, activist, and TEDx speaker Dr. Setti[1] about accessing radical gratitude, especially in times of difficulty. In this takeaway you will hear one suggestion for how we can use gratitude to turn us toward our life instead of away. If you want to listen to the entire thing, here’s the full length episode: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/401-how-radical-gratitude-can-change-your-life-dr-tanmeet/id1296627876?i=1000676478660
And to follow Rachel’s show you can check out 3in30podcast.com
IG: @3in30podcast
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This is an episode aimed at being connected to yourself in a loving way and coming from compassion with others in your life. It’s an invitation to connect to yourself and others more deeply. Grace is defined as courteous goodwill or (in religious terms) the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. I am using this term “grace” to refer to a resting state of love and receptivity. This is how we can be of service to others and also how we expand our quality of life. The greatest path to a feeling of self-satisfaction is to do something that you are proud of, which comes about pretty often when you live from a state of grace as you move through the world.
To be honest, I am very embarrassed by this episode but I 100% mean it. It’s SUPER gooey and touchy-feely, but it’s something I need to hear and therefore, I am posting it! Why? I feel we are all managing the imbalances created by a fast-paced, adult, functioning life, and many of us are medicating to have access to our humanity. We get these fleeting windows where we have a full awareness of life’s meaning, our boundless love, and creativity. So this is a reflective episode aimed at being able to access these parts of ourselves and live through them. Tapping into the vein that was so primary in our childhood. I think part of that equation is to live in a state of grace: giving it to yourself and to others.
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This is for relationships that can be best described as dry kindling: dealing, politely, but no warmth or closeness. Maybe you feel your partner is critical, that you are invisible, and when fights occur, they go to DEFCON level 1 instantly, and nothing gets resolved, the loop only resets. So in the day to day, there’s little connection between you. If this sounds familiar, I want you to imagine you and your partner are in a glass display. Like a window at a store. Close to 90% of all communication is non-verbal, so if you are noticing there is no love and affection being expressed on a non-verbal level, this is one place to start. More on this in the episode plus tools for stepping back from the hurt. A little change can go a long way in allowing the love that still lives to come forth.
Big caveat: this episode is for those in “safe” relationships, not abusive ones. If you are in an abusive relationship here is one resource to get help: National Domestic Violence Hotline.
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This is for anyone who has done self-work and is reentering a family situation where you know you have triggers. It’s so you can stay above the loops that tend to get us feeling angry, hurt or defensive – feeling like a child once again. If you’ve been healthier outside of a particular family dynamic, it can feel like you are getting pulled back into a stew of old feelings– even when everyone in the group has the best intentions and is doing their best to be loving. Projection is a massive piece of what triggers really upsetting family dynamics. We try and validate what’s inside by engaging those outside of us to affirm it.
The end of the year is also when a lot of “stuff” comes up: it’s a milestone because of the seasonal change, the holidays, revisiting old places and relationships. It can mean there’s a bit of taking stock: looking backward, looking forward. But also – a flooding of old feelings. This episode has tools for staying loving and neutral –doing no harm to yourself and others. My hope is that when you listen to this you will be able to come from love and also not take another person’s pain personally. When you know this ahead of time you can stay outside a trigger loop and come from love.
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“I’m ugly” “I should be better by now” “I’m a terrible mother” “My relevance is over” “I’m old”… Everybody has these thoughts. They are average. What matters is whether or not you engage with the thoughts and follow their tangent. You can quite literally start thinking ANYTHING repeatedly and you will start to see it as true. There is no such thing as true or not true, only what you experience through your own lens. The way the brain works is via comparison. It’s a threat-calculator – a unique and special one trained on our experiences. But it is not “us” in the bigger sense. “We” are the silent watcher, the presence within that witnesses these thoughts. The moment they occur there’s a choice to be made – you can follow the feeling and invest in the script, like you’re an actor in a play, or you can look at them – step back, and resume a state of non-attachment.
This is an episode all about escaping from thought prison. Have you seen around thoughts yet? This is the goal in this episode. Find this podcast on YouTube here.
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A lot of people fall in love with a person they see another person COULD be and not who they currently are. I was this way for a long time and yet I couldn’t see the pattern in my choices. Often we become so attached to a person after seeing their awesome potential and we hold on, despite bad behavior, for that person to reappear. We over-function to help them get somewhere new, thinking we are helping and changing something when we are not.
Often that means living through months or years of bad treatment when the other person is not capable of being kind, loving, receptive, or present with us. Maybe they are in their own world and we are left confused as to why our requests are so unreasonable. You might start to feel like you are crazy, like you are being too demanding, or that is what they make you feel.
It really doesn’t matter what they are really doing or thinking – you may be fixated on that. The most important info is that they are unavailable, not capable, not consistent and you have to accept that at face value. This is what I want to focus on in this episode. How you can move forward knowing this info and how you can avoid this situation in the future. This will hopefully demystify what is happening and why it is happening. And hopefully giving you a path forward in a loop you may be trapped in.
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This is for breaking out of cycles caused by vulnerability and anxiety – whether that’s your own mind or a common interaction with a loved one. What I am talking about are moments when you take another person’s feelings, personally. When we get triggered by their emotional response, we get defensive which creates distance and or hurt. That sequence is what I am creating an intervention around with this episode. This is also about reseating yourself in what I would call neutrality and openness: restoring faith in what is possible for you especially in the face of negative thoughts about yourself and your life. It’s really about redirection after you have what I would call an old record that gets put on the record player that is your mind. What we tend to do is that old dance of pain that takes us to this next emotion, and this next belief, and this next one. Like being in a haunted waltz with a zombie who won’t let go.
So if you have a predictable set of hopeless conversations with a spouse – OR you have a predictable rut of a thought process, yourself – this is for you. This is about wading through the mud of your engrained physical response, because with attention– there is change on the other side. Sending love!
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Guilt is like a gut punch that doesn’t stop. The loss of meaning is like a thick layer of glass in front of your eyes. It’s like a constant reminder that you are not who you aspire to be. Something is not aligned in who you are. There’s also the kind of guilt you feel when you know rationally that you should not feel guilty – like you are betraying a part of yourself that is real and cannot sever an old allegiance.
In this episode, I am going to try and open up some air around the source of your guilt. I cover different kinds of guilt – the kind that results from shame over something you did and also the kind that “doesn’t belong to you” (as with severing unhealthy family relationships). My goal with this episode is for you to be able to see it as an external object–or a symptom, and not identify with it, in the hopes that you can move through it despite the intensity of the pain. My goal for you is to create change in your life and to find meaning. The path back to light and joy or at the very least progress– is with change: growth, context, understanding. If you are in the loop of guilt, step back. There is something yet to untangle. Move toward growth and evolution.
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This is about growing your soul by doing the real work that will advance you. Seeing the muscle that needs work. I’m inviting you to choose to work on a coping mechanism that hurts you. To see around it – separate it from your person, and take apart its inner workings.
I think a lot of people keep themselves small or keep themselves occupied in things like relationships as a means to stave of feelings of pain. The pain results from an original wound that feels so vague and powerful that we stop to look at it. If you have a loop in your life, you might think it’s just “you.” You may have accepted it. But that is because you’re still in it and blinded by it. In order to change, we have to step back and start to work on it in very specific ways. This episode has tools for fostering that. So that we can follow our purest dreams, not the loop of what’s in front of us.
To donate to the amazing charity I mentioned and save some lives of foster kids, visit TheTeenProject.com xo!
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Have you lost a bit of shine and joy? This is a path back to gratitude and hope. This is an energy tuning episode all about restoring limitlessness and optimism on a mindset level but it also relates to being a good person, friend and parent. It’s about being conscious and responsible with your energy and tuning it to support openness and rationality. Never forget: Energy is a chain reaction: what we put out changes others, and also changes what comes our way. Think of yourself like a tuning fork. You resonate with the world around you in whatever way you are filtering your thinking. Let’s be careful and conscious about that – starting right now!
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How do you move through life? Is it with a sense of “time unfolds for me” or is it more “Hurry! I need to catch up!” Let’s curate more joy in the world around ourselves and change our perspective toward “life is happening for me, there is enough, no need to hurry.” Another name for this episode was 'a thousand points of light' because we can affect our sum with small tweaks and additions. When we draw boundaries around our time and step back from mentally being two places at once, our entire experience of life changes.
This episode was inspired by my vacation. It’s for enhancing calmness and beauty. My most important observation: how you relate to time has a creative effect on your life and how you experience its sum. Without being half-working on my phone or intensely guided by efficiency, my day has grown years longer.
When we are “in a rush” for a long time– scheduling everything down to the minute and seeing how much we can accomplish in a day, it is a life designed at the cost of yourself. The casualty is your own depth of enjoyment of ALL moments, not just the ones spent multitasking. And that is because your MO really wires everything about your life experience.
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The inner committee is what I am focusing on in this episode. By that I mean the cast of characters in your mind that voice fears, judgements, criticisms, rules for what you can and will do, and generally limit your beliefs about your life. I sometimes refer to our mind as a stage on which actors perform scenes. “You” – the holistic, reflective self, are not your thoughts but rather a wiser presence. I sometimes refer to this as “the silent watcher” or “inner child.” That awareness takes in all this happening in your body and experiences the blips of energy created by your thoughts. One important note I want to call out – “You” might want something different for your life than your thoughts promote to you. And this episode is about being capable of guiding your life despite the chatter of the mind. Taking steps to move forward, despite them.
The inner committee can be incredibly powerful and fear-inducing. We react to them, which can hinder a lot of change, including positive change. This is about revoking their ability to control you and instead being guided by something deeper – an inner knowing. Who is this for? Anyone who feels they are holding themselves back with rumination, ambivalence, or self-limiting beliefs. Don’t give up – never give up, the story is not over yet! To donate to my friend and the foster kids head to TheTeenProject.com xo!
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If you are feeling pissed off, having angry outbursts, trending toward negativity, and feeling a sense of doom, there’s a likelihood that you are burned out. This is an episode inviting you to step back and recalibrate when “the pot is full,” so to speak. This isn’t about dismantling what’s working if you are currently high functioning and getting shit done. It’s about creating some air or wiggle room in the face of that burned-outness, and with that shifting your direction toward health and positivity. This has tools for focus cleansing and putting our thoughts and reactions in perspective. Some specific tools for codependent friends as well. Sending much love! If you want to check out the book I mentioned you can head here:
https://amzn.to/4cugoll
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This is a conversation with Zak Rosen of “The Best Advice Show” all about how small acts make massive waves of change outwards. This is a feel-good show all about changes that affect the arc of life: the small, conscious tweaks we make change our trajectory in terms of happiness and overall quality of life. And the advice you hear in this episode is not necessarily what you’d expect–it’s grounded, simple, and life-altering.
If you guys want to hear the episode mentioned when Zak interviewed me on his show, check out the link below:
https://podcasts.apple.com/nz/podcast/expecting-the-opposite-with-sarah-may-b/id1507811918?i=1000485483262
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This is about escaping a relationship that you cannot seem to leave but you know 1000% that you are extremely unhappy staying in it. When we watch ourselves in a state of inaction, we assume it to be your truth. Ambivalence, rumination and a state of paralysis when it comes to a relationship–that you are clearly unhappy in– are very common. This is what I would call an invisible wall made up of the old rules, fears and traumas of your upbringing. Often the ambivalence is rooted in an inability to accept a truth – that we do not align with our cultural upbringing, our parents values, or we have undealt with pain that rests deep within ourselves. When we process these old feelings and separate them from our current wants and values, we can move through them knowing where our hearts truly lie. So if you find that you are spinning and rethinking what is negative about changing, but you are also fully aware that you are totally unhappy in this current relationship – this is an episode for you.
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This is for seeing a wall or a low point as an opportunity for transformation. This is an episode for moving out of a state of woe. When we surrender and deliberately hold ourselves as we “pass” the pain, this is when new doors open and we grow amazing new capacities. The aim of this episode is to start floating atop top the water versus fighting it, when you’re in a place of resistance and suffering.
Other names for this episode were ‘Being happy when others in your life aren’t’ and ‘Welcoming synchronicity and grace.’ And that is because when we surrender and accept powerlessness, signs begin to come in. I hope this helps you!
Let us all let go. Welcome what is. Hold ourselves through where we are. And with that, allow in the flow of love and trust. Sending love...
The two books I mention in this episode are here:
https://amzn.to/4bQwC7H
https://amzn.to/4bsBNLb
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This episode is about taking stock of a relationship and deciding how you feel about it in an honest way. Maybe you’re considering a breakup, or you don’t know that just yet but you’re not happy with how things are. One way to tell how we feel about someone is to examine our own behavior: the things we are doing on a loop. When we can see a fight loop, we can see perhaps we are not accepting the truth of who someone is, or we can see our own unmet needs arising. This is how we move forward and grow up in a sense – by becoming aware.
This for knowing where you stand instead of fighting what is. When we can move from what is, we can honor ourselves AND our relationship! And in some cases that means coming out of the closet on what we truly want. Nothing bad about that – it just is. Accept and welcome it. When we draw boundaries around that concept, we create a life that rewards us.
Caveat: You can’t decide something based on another person’s advice. If you’re not ready for action, simply processing feelings is a great place to start.
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This episode marks 10 years of Help Me Be Me! This is about knowing thyself and feeling grounded and resourced in that self. Being guided by and making decisions from your values, not your weaknesses.
It’s all about “coming home to yourself” as a means to feel grounded: what that means to me, plus tools for that in the face of social pressures and relationships. In moments when you feel hurt, unpopular, clingy or less-than, come back home to a wisdom of self: what do YOU hold to be sacred, cool and interesting? What do you hold to be important in terms of values? Resuming this core relieves us in moments we feel a need to please others or we are changing ourselves out of fear.
I feel the greatest gift you can give yourself is a friendship and bond with yourself. If you’re not there yet, take heart. Sometimes we need some processing of past conflicts for all of us to arrive at action. If something isn’t happening for you, there might be a part of you that has yet to fully arrive.
It’s apt that this episode marks 10 years of podcasting for me. 222 is a sacred number and I invite you to check out Taz Grout’s 222 Foundation, linked below. Thank you all for growing alongside me in this journey! For those who have been listening for that long, what I hope you take away from these episodes is an expansion of self-knowledge and self-compassion.
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AsteproAllergy.com
Use as directed for relief of nasal congestion, runny nose, sneezing and itchy nose due to allergies.
And in honor of 222, if you want to make a donation to Pam Grout’s amazing daughter’s foundation to further the consciousness of the world, you can head here:
Taz Grout’s 222 Foundation
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We all grow, mature and become different people, however sometimes we cannot see that change or those around us cannot see it. This is about redefining yourself to yourself. Allowing room to witness yourself, anew. Especially in the face of people who treat us based off an old identity. This episode has exercises to help you see where you are headed and mark the change you’ve made over the past year. It’s also for examining your actions as a means to map out your internal allegiances. Often we cannot see how we truly feel because we get lost in the day-to-day content of powerful or repetitive emotions. The goal for me coming out of this episode is for you to feel as if you were given a new awareness of yourself. One that is positive, clear, and empowered. And that you can see the conscious change you have made in your life.
If you want to know who you are, just look at your physical actions. They are a map to our truth: what we believe, what we are working on, and also how we feel about ourselves. They tell us who we are more than our words, so if you want to learn something new, tune into what has changed. And take heart–change is change! No matter how incremental.
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Better Help
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/helpmebeme and get on your way to being your best self. Find your social sweet spot, with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/helpmebeme today to get 10% off your first month.
OneSkin
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