Episoder
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SHOW NOTES:
SUMMARY:
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and therapist Jeremy Fox explore the complexities of modern dating, the evolution of dating psychology, and the impact of technology on relationships. They discuss the limitations of evolutionary psychology in understanding attraction and the effectiveness of the Gottman method in marriage counseling. The conversation also delves into communication styles, the gamification of dating apps, and cultural shifts in relationship expectations, emphasizing the instinctual nature of masculinity and femininity. This conversation explores the profound impact of dating apps on modern relationships, the cultural perspectives surrounding marriage, and the dynamics of the hidden dating market. The speakers discuss the importance of in-person connections, the paradox of choice in dating, and the necessity of building meaningful relationships in a world increasingly dominated by superficial interactions. They emphasize the need for individuals to be intentional about their dating lives and to cultivate genuine connections based on shared values and experiences.
Takeaways
There is no unified theory of psychology for matchmaking.
Human courtship can be understood in three phases: sexual, emotional, and intellectual attraction.
Evolutionary psychology focuses on instincts related to survival and reproduction.
Attraction often operates on an unconscious level.
The Gottman method provides a precise framework for understanding relationships.
Online dating has shifted from meaningful connections to gamified experiences.
The monetization of dating apps often undermines genuine relationship building.
Cultural narratives have shifted towards casual relationships over lifelong partnerships.
Masculinity and femininity are instinctual, not merely traditional constructs.
Understanding communication styles is crucial for relationship success. Dating apps have transformed the way we perceive and engage in relationships.
Cultural narratives around marriage are shifting, often discouraging traditional commitments.
The hidden dating market reflects social dynamics that influence relationship choices.
In-person connections are irreplaceable and essential for meaningful relationships.
The paradox of choice complicates the dating landscape, making it harder to find a partner.
Superficial interactions on dating apps can lead to negative relationship patterns.
Intentionality in dating is crucial for building lasting connections.
Understanding one's own values and non-negotiables is key to successful dating.
The importance of shared experiences and activities in fostering relationships cannot be overstated.
Curiosity about oneself and others can enhance the quality of romantic relationships.
Titles
Navigating the Modern Dating Landscape
The Psychology Behind Attraction
Understanding the Gottman Method
Communication: The Key to Lasting Relationships
Sound Bites
"There is no unified theory of psychology."
"Human courtship comes in three phases."
"Attraction is often unconscious."
"If a product's free, you're the product."
"The danger was not known yet by people."
"Marriage is bad. Don't do it."
"Be who you would want to date."
"Love can be both limerence and magic."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Modern Dating Dynamics
02:59 The Evolution of Dating Psychology
05:54 The Role of Evolutionary Psychology in Attraction
08:57 Gottman Method vs. Evolutionary Psychology
12:05 Communication Styles in Relationships
14:46 The Impact of Online Dating on Relationships
18:08 The Gamification of Dating Apps
20:54 Cultural Shifts in Relationship Expectations
24:11 Masculinity, Femininity, and Social Dynamics
25:36 The Impact of Dating Apps on Relationships
28:44 Cultural Perspectives on Marriage and Relationships
30:52 The Hidden Dating Market and Social Dynamics
33:08 The Return to In-Person Connections
36:32 Navigating the Paradox of Choice in Dating
40:51 Building Meaningful Connections in Modern Dating
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Summary
SHOW NOTES
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox delve into the complexities of narcissism, its manifestations in relationships, and the psychological implications of narcissistic abuse. They explore the characteristics of narcissistic individuals, the impact of impulsivity in modern society, and the importance of character development in overcoming these challenges. The discussion also highlights the need for targeted recovery strategies for those affected by narcissistic abuse, emphasizing the significance of understanding both masculine and feminine instincts in the healing process.
In this transcript segment, Dr. Paul, alongside trauma therapist Jeremy Fox, discusses the emerging field of narcissistic abuse. They explore foundational concepts related to narcissism, referencing theorists like Freud, Kohut, and Kernberg. Here are the key points covered:
1. **Narcissism Defined**: Narcissism includes a level of self-concern essential for survival but is often misunderstood as mere arrogance or vanity.
2. **Three Main Deficits of Narcissism**:
- **Self-Observation and Mindfulness**: Individuals with high narcissistic traits often struggle with self-reflection, which Freud termed the "observing ego."
- **Boundary Issues**: Narcissistic behavior typically involves immature boundary settings, leading to possessiveness and a lack of consideration for others' feelings.
- **Decision-Making Wisdom**: A subtler aspect involves the ability to make wise decisions about oneself and others, which is often compromised in narcissistic individuals.
The discussion aims to elaborate on the narcissistic abuse cycle and increase awareness of its implications in interpersonal relationships.
Takeaways
Narcissism is a spectrum that everyone possesses to some degree.
Poor self-reflection and decision-making are key traits of narcissism.
Narcissistic individuals often lack empathy and have poor boundaries.
The consumer economy has enabled impulsivity and selfishness.
There are two types of narcissists: aggressive and passive.
Covert narcissists can manipulate others while appearing vulnerable.
Character development is crucial for personal growth and recovery.
Shame is a central element of narcissistic abuse.
Healing from narcissistic abuse requires targeted strategies.
Understanding instincts can aid in recovery from narcissistic relationships.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Narcissistic Abuse
06:15 Understanding Narcissism and Its Features
12:35 The Two Types of Narcissism
18:09 Narcissism in Modern Relationships
24:12 Character Development and Empathy
25:44 Understanding the Biopsychosocial Model
27:06 Navigating Emotional Labor and Boundaries
29:03 The Critique of Emotional Intelligence
30:55 Humor as a Reflection of Truth
34:00 The Dangers of Living on Autopilot
35:52 Exploring Narcissistic Abuse and Its Impact
42:03 Rebuilding After Narcissistic Abuse
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In this series, Dr. Paul will be addressing some of the challenges and downright traumas many men are facing, the impact on their minds and lives, and providing insights and potential solutions derived from his own proprietary approach developed over 30 years as a psychiatrist.
Dr Paul is an author with PenguinRandomHouse and Psychology Today and has been featured in numerous periodical magazines important to men and women both.
SHOW NOTES:
The transcript discusses the concept of anger and its manifestations in social interactions, particularly focusing on the cycle of violence and the different ways individuals can respond to anger. Here are the key points:
1. **Cycle of Violence**: The speaker highlights the repetitive cycle of hurt and retaliation ("I hurt you, you hurt me"). This cycle creates a continuous generation of anger, impacting relationships and societal dynamics, such as between Israelis and Palestinians or political factions.
2. **Constructive Alternatives**: Instead of perpetuating anger, the speaker suggests a healthier approach by asserting oneself and meeting personal needs effectively. This is likened to a martial artist who, after being wronged, uses that experience to grow and better themselves.
3. **Anger Responses**: The speaker categorizes responses to anger into three options:
- **Passivity** (leading to sadness or depression)
- **Aggression** (which results in a win-lose scenario and the risk of revenge)
- **Assertiveness** (which is a healthier, constructive response that fills one’s emotional tank positively).
4. **Revenge vs. Justice**: The transcript distinguishes between revenge (a personal and often misguided response to past grievances) and justice (a collective, societal response to wrongdoing). Revenge is seen as an attempt to control past events, which is inherently futile.
5. **Narrative Reference**: The speaker mentions the thematic elements of revenge and justice found in "The Count of Monte Cristo," raising the question of whether it is right for one person to seek revenge.
Overall, the transcript promotes the idea of addressing anger through constructive assertiveness rather than falling into cycles of violence or seeking revenge, advocating for personal growth and social justice instead.
This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit menspsychology.substack.com/subscribe -
PTSD and EMDR expert Jeremy Fox joins me for a detailed discussion of the “Triune Brain Model” and the various forms of psychotherapy that treat the right functions with the right techniques.
We recommend that you sign up for Romantipedia.substack.com to learn more about this overall system for studying human courtship.
I have always considered the “Triune Brain Model” to be what I back up to for a higher-level perspective on which psychological theory to apply to a problem and how.
This even extends to the latest, hottest theories such as Evolutionary Psychology and Positive Psychology.
You see, even the most fascinating new models still do not fully explain psychology.
However, the Triune Brain Model lets us apply each theory as if we were hanging ornaments on a tree.
Step back, and you can actually then see a “synthesis” or “unification theory” of psychology start to form…
Join us in this discussion…
SHOW NOTES:
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox delve into the Triune Brain Model, exploring its implications for understanding human behavior through the lenses of evolutionary psychology, instincts, emotions, and character growth. They discuss the interplay between the reptilian brain, mammalian brain, and higher brain, emphasizing the importance of instincts in survival and reproduction, the role of emotions in self-esteem, and the pursuit of goals and virtues. The conversation also touches on the dynamics of narcissism, altruism, and cooperation in human relationships, ultimately advocating for a balanced approach to personal growth and social interaction.
Takeaways
* The Triune Brain Model is crucial for understanding human behavior.
* Instincts are central to evolutionary psychology, focusing on survival and reproduction.
* Emotions play a significant role in self-esteem and interpersonal relationships.
* Narcissism can be understood as a lack of emotional maturity.
* Positive psychology emphasizes character growth and virtues.
* The higher brain is responsible for goal setting and achieving fulfillment.
* Win-win scenarios promote cooperation and mutual benefit in relationships.
* Altruism is an essential aspect of human evolution and social dynamics.
* Understanding the interplay of the three brain systems can lead to personal growth.
* Effective communication and collaboration are key to overcoming narcissism.
Sound Bites
"I think it may be the most important topic."
"Evolutionary psychology is all about the reptilian brain."
"It's all about stories and language."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to the Triune Brain Model
02:24 The Role of Instincts in Evolutionary Psychology
06:45 Understanding Emotions and the Mammalian Brain
12:28 The Higher Brain: Goals and Character Growth
18:41 Narcissism and Self-Esteem Dynamics
26:28 Win-Win vs. Win-Lose: The Nash Equilibrium
39:52 Altruism and Cooperation in Human Relationships
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Show Notes:
Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss the narcissistic abuse cycle. They explore the three stages of the cycle: love bombing, devaluation, and discard. They emphasize the importance of recognizing manipulative behavior in relationships and understanding the difference between healthy courtship and narcissistic manipulation. They also discuss the concept of empathy and the opposite of narcissism, which is maturity and beneficence. The conversation highlights the need to develop self-love and avoid engaging in primitive defenses when dealing with narcissistic individuals.
Takeaways
Recognize manipulative behavior in relationships and understand the three stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle: love bombing, devaluation, and discard.
Differentiate between healthy courtship and narcissistic manipulation.
Develop self-love and avoid engaging in primitive defenses when dealing with narcissistic individuals.
Understand the importance of empathy, maturity, and beneficence as the opposite of narcissism.
Sound Bites
"Love bombing is a fake, performative, and inauthentic stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle."
"The narcissistic abuse cycle is like a dark triad, dark version of human courtship."
"Gaslighting is a major technique used by narcissists in the devaluation phase of the cycle."
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SHOW NOTES:
The conversation explores the impact of social media and dating apps on the younger generation, focusing on the book 'The Anxious Generation' by Jonathan Haidt and the article 'All the Single Ladies' by Rob Henderson. It discusses how social media affects attention span, sleep, and self-esteem, and how dating apps use algorithms to keep users engaged. The conversation also delves into the importance of synchronous communication and embodied interaction for intimacy, the potential drawbacks of AI therapy, and the parallel instincts of males and females in relation to education, income, and physical appearance.
Takeaways
Social media and dating apps have a significant impact on the younger generation's attention span, sleep patterns, and self-esteem.
Synchronous communication and embodied interaction are crucial for intimacy and should not be replaced by digital substitutes.
AI therapy may lack the empathy and intuition necessary for effective therapy sessions.
There are parallel instincts in males and females related to education, income, and physical appearance.
Master's degrees and high income are more attractive to women, while physical appearance is more important to men in the dating market.
Sound Bites
"Social media is tailored with algorithms to your taste."
"Dating apps will actually keep you curated based on pain."
"Digital substitutes cannot replace the intimacy of synchronous communication and embodied interaction."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Discussion of 'The Anxious Generation' and 'All the Single Ladies'
02:07 The Impact of Social Media and Dating Apps
08:56 The Importance of Synchronous Communication and Embodied Interaction
13:29 The Culture of Disposability in Online Communities
19:28 Parallel Instincts: Education, Income, and Physical Appearance
22:50 The Attractiveness of Education and Income in the Dating Market
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SHOW NOTES
Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss narcissism and the narcissistic abuse cycle. They explore the academic principles and theories related to narcissism, such as self-psychology theory and psychoanalysis. They emphasize the importance of understanding narcissism before entering a relationship and highlight the different games narcissists play. They also discuss the concept of the narcissistic fog and gaslighting, as well as the different types of narcissists. The conversation concludes with a summary of the story of Narcissus and Echo and how it relates to narcissistic abusive relationships.
Takeaways
Understanding narcissism is crucial before entering a relationship.
Narcissists play a different game in relationships and manipulate others for their own gain.
The narcissistic abuse cycle involves love bombing, devaluation, and discard.
Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists to manipulate and make others doubt their own sanity.
There are different types of narcissists, including grandiose and covert narcissists.
Education and awareness can help individuals recognize and break free from narcissistic abuse.
Sound Bites
"Understanding narcissism is crucial before entering a relationship."
"Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists to manipulate and make others doubt their own sanity."
"There are different types of narcissists, including grandiose and covert."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Importance of Understanding Narcissism
02:57 The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
07:22 Gaslighting and Manipulation
12:29 Different Types of Narcissists
17:40 The Story of Narcissus and Echo
23:14 Breaking Free: Education and Awareness
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Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss the narcissistic abuse cycle and its impact on individuals. They explore the concept of narcissism as a lack of character maturity and emotional intelligence. They highlight the importance of trauma work in understanding and addressing narcissistic abuse. The conversation covers various aspects of the abuse cycle, including love bombing, devaluation, gaslighting, blame shifting, and hoovering. They also discuss the role of gender in narcissistic abuse and the potential for different pathologies to pair up in relationships. The conversation concludes with a discussion on myths and faulty information surrounding narcissism.
Takeaways
Narcissistic abuse is a cycle that involves love bombing, devaluation, and hoovering.
Narcissism is characterized by a lack of character maturity and emotional intelligence.
Trauma work is essential in understanding and addressing narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic abuse can occur in any type of relationship and is not limited to a specific gender.
There are various tactics used in narcissistic abuse, including gaslighting, blame shifting, and manipulation.
It is important to be aware of myths and faulty information surrounding narcissism.
Sound Bites
"Assume men in psychotherapy have PTSD"
"Narcissism is the absence of good boundaries, mindfulness, and constructive decision-making"
"Narcissists extract psychological resources from their victims"
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Narcissistic Abuse
02:01 Understanding Narcissism and Trauma
15:13 Exploring the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
21:24 The Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse
25:13 Gender Dynamics in Narcissistic Abuse
28:42 Pathologies and Pairings in Relationships
33:36 Dispelling Myths About Narcissism
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SHOW NOTES:
Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and therapist Jeremy Fox discuss the growing trend of concern over narcissistic abuse. They explore the concept of narcissistic abuse and its three phases: love bombing, devaluation, and discard. They highlight the work of Andrew Gilroy, who runs the YouTube channel NarcDaily, and his ability to communicate complex psychological concepts in a relatable way. They also discuss the importance of understanding narcissistic abuse before getting involved in a relationship and the need for clear terminology to describe different aspects of narcissism and abuse.
Takeaways
Narcissistic abuse is a growing concern, and understanding its three phases (love bombing, devaluation, and discard) can help identify and address abusive relationships.
Andrew Gilroy's YouTube channel, Daily Narc, provides relatable explanations of narcissistic abuse and offers insights into the behaviors and tactics of narcissistic individuals.
It is important to have a clear understanding of narcissistic abuse before getting involved in a relationship, as it can help identify red flags and protect against manipulation.
The use of terminology, such as love bombing and gaslighting, can help describe and communicate the experiences of narcissistic abuse.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and not everyone who exhibits narcissistic traits is a psychopath. It is important to avoid labeling individuals and instead focus on understanding the level of narcissism in a person.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a process that requires rebuilding oneself and setting boundaries to prevent further manipulation.
Sound Bites
"Why does the person always walk 10 or 12 or 15 steps ahead of you?"
"Their answer to you is one letter, the letter K."
"Once you discover you're in a narcissistic abuse cycle, one minute is one minute too long. Get out."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Narcissistic Abuse
02:21 The Three Phases of Narcissistic Abuse
06:02 The Rise of Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
10:21 The Phenomenology of Narcissistic Abuse
12:48 Exploring Terminology and Concepts
15:20 Preventing Narcissistic Abuse
18:19 Main Character Syndrome and Mystification
19:33 Understanding and Healing Narcissistic Abuse
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Maybe you are a man and you have children, and have been through a divorce that taxed your soul to the point where you weren’t sure anything you have ever tried to achieve was worth even trying.
Maybe you are a man and you don’t have children, but you have been accused of things you never thought to accuse others of. Things like “being privileged” or being “toxic.” You didn’t understand where such things were originating from because you have worked exceedingly hard all your life to help others, not offend them, and even then you got very little back for all the effort. That’s okay because the point was not to get anything back, but such accusations hurt you deeply even so.
Maybe you are a man who works a very dirty job, doing very dirty tasks that nobody else wants to or dares to, or perhaps you’ve been incarcerated—fairly or unfairly—but either way, you have paid the price and thought there may be a chance of starting anew, but you found there is no starting anew, even when you have learned very hard lessons and changed yourself to the core.
But for what?
Maybe you are a man who has been depressed—deeply so—and you wanted to pull yourself out of it, tried to pull yourself out of it because that’s what men do or try to do. You tried medicines and therapy to do so but neither worked, and you hate to admit that some of those times you felt so down that you looked for ways to end yourself.
You didn’t really want to, but nobody intervened to stop you even though you wanted to be the only one who could stop you.
And if you are reading this, then you somehow managed to, at least for now.
You have Depresculinity like countless other men, and you immediately know what the word means.
As we begin an overview of the exciting new technology of Men's Psychology—a new, emerging branch of psychology, let's look at the big picture of life for men today and some of the significant challenges they face.
Some of these will align with what you may have already experienced as a man. Some of the data we will look at you may have overlooked simply due to not having been exposed to such info in typical mainstream media.
Because women share the planet with this other (almost) half of humanity, we will need to keep in mind the needs, desires, challenges, and ultimately, the feminine instincts of women as they align with at times and at other times form a counterpoint to men and their masculine instincts.
The expanding academic research in psychology is suggestive that we do not do enough today for men in terms of help for their emotional, psychological, or spiritual problems, especially in their two deeply felt concerns: finding love and following a career mission.
If we first look at men's most daunting problems as a group, it may benefit you to have data to compare to in your own life.
Even if your life is going quite well, you will have standards and benchmarks to measure yourself against compared to other men.
This comparison is something that, instinctually, men need so as not to get disorganized or unmotivated for positive change in their lives.
Regardless of how you fare versus other men, the research tends to lead us to the conclusion that the three most impactful areas for personal development in men are:
1 In romantic relationships
2 Career progress (one's "mission" for life)
3 In general wellness (which can be both general psychological growth and physical health.)
One of the practical goals of Depresculinity and the new field of Men's Psychology is to inform you of the basics of this new body of knowledge. Doing so is intended to help you excel in your dating and relationships and come closer to discovering your mission as a man. The combination of these two processes we call "masculine intelligence."
While there are many similarities between men and women, such as IQ, and range of emotions being the very same, there is an area of the mind in which they are decidedly different - not "unequal" but with your own unconscious, instinctual tendencies.
What we call "masculine instincts" and "feminine instincts" cause men and women to buy some very different kinds of products for their own instinctual reasons. They even choose very differently among career options and the things they like to think about, worry about, or enjoy as entertainment. They take a different approach to finding and keeping love in their lives.
These instincts are why men and women don't see eye-to-eye on these items. The instincts are invisible, and now they matter more than ever in this time of conflict.
They are also the driving force behind how men and women are decidedly different in ways when it comes to psychology and behavior.
There's much to learn about men and their psychology, and as you can see, men and women can't live without each other, and to find happiness, they must learn to understand each other better.
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SUMMARY
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss the concept of the hero's journey and its relevance to men's psychology. They explore the importance of goal-directed behavior and the need for a narrative structure in men's lives. They also discuss the connection between the hero's journey and the concept of initiation, highlighting the need for a hierarchical benchmark for change in men. The conversation delves into the 12 steps of the hero's journey and how they can be applied to personal growth and development. They also touch on the concepts of honor, authority, and responsibility in relation to masculinity.
Keywords
hero's journey, men's psychology, goal-directed behavior, narrative structure, initiation, 12 steps, honor, authority, responsibility.
Takeaways
Men crave a narrative structure and quest schema to situate their lives and understand what they're striving for.
Goal-directed behavior is crucial for men's psychological improvement and functionality.
The hero's journey offers a hierarchical benchmark for change and initiation in men's lives.
The 12 steps of the hero's journey can be applied to personal growth and development.
Honor, authority, and responsibility are important concepts in understanding masculinity.
Titles
Exploring the 12 Steps of the Hero's Journey
The Connection Between the Hero's Journey and Initiation
Sound Bites
"Men really crave a narrative structure and quest schema to kind of situate their own lives, understand what they're striving for."
"The more goal-oriented psychotherapies are the only ones that work for males or work substantially."
"Males need a hierarchical benchmark, a marker of change where what you were before is dead and what you are now is new and is born."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Importance of the Hero's Journey
08:05 The Hero's Journey and its Relevance to Men's Psychology
25:58 Understanding Honor, Authority, and Responsibility in Masculinity
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There will be some helpful videos below as well from David Buss and Andrew Huberman as well as the Macken Murphy interview by Rowe that both explain human mating strategy when it comes to the Zeus Instinct.
For those who want the full course experience with testing and community joint studying, meetups with staff, then become an Upgraded Member:
There is even a new Apple App and Google Play App on which you can take your courses on Men’s Psychology and Human Courtship, personal development and join our forums at:
SHOW NOTES:
Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss the importance of the Zeus instinct, which is the protector-provider instinct in men. They explain that the Zeus instinct is related to career advancement, survival, and finding a mate. They emphasize the need for men to have a sense of ambition and a mission in life and the importance of initiation experiences that help men tap into their masculine instincts. They also discuss the role of friendship and teamwork in achieving success and finding a compatible partner.
Please read the Martin Seager Medium article to understand some crucial background information:
Keywords
Zeus instinct, protector-provider, career advancement, survival, finding a mate, ambition, mission, initiation experiences, masculine instincts, friendship, teamwork
Takeaways
* The Zeus instinct is the protector-provider instinct in men, related to career advancement, survival, and finding a mate.
* Men need to have a sense of ambition and a mission in life to tap into their masculine instincts.
* Initiation experiences are important for men to understand and use their instincts.
* Friendship and teamwork are crucial for men to succeed in their mission and find a compatible partner.
Sound Bites
"Everything will be all right. I'll take care of it."
"I believe in you."
"Your friendship ability. Friendship is the most important factor in maintaining happiness through life."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction
12:18 The Importance of Initiation
28:02 The Zeus Instinct and Finding a Mate
45:39 Challenges and Growth
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SHOW NOTES:
Summary
This conversation explores the underpinnings of masculine instinct therapy, starting with evolutionary psychology and Jungian psychology. The discussion emphasizes the importance of character development and high virtues as a foundation for positive masculinity. The concept of masculine instincts is introduced, with three specific instincts identified: the Zeus instinct (to provide and protect), the Aries instinct (to fight to win), and the Hades instinct (stoicism and privacy). The conversation also touches on the synthesis of different psychological theories and the importance of finding meaning in life.
Takeaways
* Character development and high virtues are essential for positive masculinity.
* Masculine instincts include the need to provide and protect, the drive to fight to win, and the instinct to be stoic and private.
* Different psychological theories can be synthesized to create a comprehensive understanding of human behavior.
* Finding meaning in life is crucial for both survival and reproductive success.
* Understanding evolutionary psychology can shed light on human behaviors and decision-making processes.
Sound Bites
"The first three masculine instincts or archetypes discovered and proven are: to provide and protect (Zeus instinct), to fight to win (Aries instinct), and to be stoic and private (Hades instinct)."
"You can take the person out of the Stone Age, but you can't take the Stone Age out of the person."
"Understanding how men and women may react to threats can help channel male ambition in pro-social and adaptive ways."
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SHOW NOTES:
Here we address the importance of self-worth, self-respect, and self-validation in various aspects of life. It questions whether the listener gives themselves enough credit, likes themselves enough, and values themselves in different domains such as career, relationships, and health. It suggests that the protagonist's problem with his girlfriend is rooted in his lack of initiation and permission to champion himself and respect himself.
However, it also points out that the woman he has chosen to be with is not respectable, mature, or valuable to him. This situation is described as codependence, where two people are trapped in a relationship without truly valuing each other. The passage encourages the listener to consider both sides of the equation – giving themselves more permission to pursue happiness and realizing that not every person they are involved with is necessarily valuable to them.
The protagonist's lack of permission to be happy and being in a relationship with a harmful partner are identified as key issues. The passage concludes that even if one is with a reasonable and decent partner, they still have the right to choose not to continue the relationship. The spectrum of circumstances and possible actions is highlighted, and the passage emphasizes the need for clarity in such situations.
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SHOW NOTES:
We describe a person who is living a passive and unhappy life. He follows instructions at work, allows his girlfriend and friend to cheat on him, and tolerates abuse from his girlfriend. The author suggests that this passivity is like being trapped in a prison, preventing the person from taking action or seeking freedom. The passage also mentions the KWML personality styles (kings, queens, warriors, magicians, and lovers), which the author now refers to as MI Social (Masculine Intelligence for Your Social Life). The metaphorical comparison between the reptilian brain (representing passiveness) and the mammalian brain (emotions, friendship, teamwork, and self-esteem) is introduced, highlighting the importance of addressing the emotional aspects of depression. The passage states that the discussion will begin with the understanding of depression as commonly known.
We here explain that the similarity between clinical depression in men and women lies in the emotional experience rather than the reptilian brain. It states that the mammalian brain is responsible for feelings of self-esteem, including well-being and confidence. It is also where emotions like friendship and love are experienced, as well as a sense of value.
We discuss the concept of demonstrating value in dating, suggesting that it is essentially about showing masculinity and the ability to express it. However, it introduces a different perspective on value, comparing it to how we evaluate the importance of a person or thing in our lives. It suggests that the value of something or someone is determined by the amount of happiness and self-esteem it brings us.
This is the concept of value as it relates to people and emotions. It explains that the value we assign to someone or something can vary based on our emotions. For example, on a day when we feel happy and enjoy spending time with certain friends, we may value them more.
However, on a bad day or during a disagreement, we may value them less because we are unhappy with the thought of them. The passage introduces the idea of "putting something in a box," meaning our perception of a person or idea is tied to a specific emotional response.
The level of positive or negative emotion we feel toward that person or idea determines how much we value them. The passage likens this understanding of value to the concept of "liking" something on social media, where the act of pressing the "like" button represents the amount of happiness a post brings us. It suggests that to determine how much someone values you, observe how happy they appear because of your presence or actions.
An example is given where a girlfriend becomes upset even though her partner paid for an expensive lunch because he didn't listen to her during the meal. This situation illustrates that the emotional response and happiness someone experiences in a relationship indicate how much they value the other person.
It discusses the concept of value in a relationship and the dynamics between a man and his girlfriend.
It highlights that material things do not determine the amount a person values or monetary value but by their emotional satisfaction and happiness in the relationship. It presents an example where the girlfriend does not appreciate her partner because she is unhappy with their living situation and feels unappreciated. It contrasts "boy thinking" with a more mature and masculine mindset.
In "boy thinking," a person waits for permission from others or external validation to make decisions or take actions. However, in a mature masculine mindset, one feels empowered to pursue their desires and engage in activities just because they want to, without needing to justify them.
This is to emphasize the importance of personal agency, self-worth, and breaking free from the mindset of seeking permission or validation from others. It states that being trapped in this mindset can lead to feeling stuck or spinning one's wheels. The passage invites a response or follow-up from the listener to reflect on and discuss the ideas presented.
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SHOW NOTES:
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss positive masculinity as a new emerging field of psychology. They explore the concept of positive psychology and its connection to ancient philosophical wisdom. They debunk the notion of toxic masculinity and emphasize that masculinity, like femininity, can be used for good or bad. They highlight the importance of understanding and leveraging one's gender identity to fuel forward motion and achieve goals. They also discuss the three guiding principles of positive masculinity: the instinct to fight and win, the instinct to provide and protect, and the instinct to retain self-mastery and control of emotions.
Takeaways
Positive masculinity is a new emerging field of psychology that focuses on leveraging masculinity for good.
Masculinity, like femininity, can be used for good or bad depending on how it is channeled.
Understanding and leveraging one's gender identity is crucial for personal growth and achieving goals.
Trauma and PTSD can impact the expression of masculinity and need to be addressed in therapy.
Men's groups and mentorship play a vital role in the development of positive masculinity.
The three pillars of positive masculinity are the masculine instincts used as tools for reaching goals and filtered through good use of mindfulness, personal boundaries, and constructive decision-making.
Sound Bites
"Toxic masculinity is an erroneous construct... Every single human on the planet can behave in a narcissistic way."
"Therapy should be a technology of the mind and of understanding the self."
"The three guiding core concepts of positive masculinity: the instinct to fight and win, to provide and protect, and to retain self-mastery and control of emotions."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Overview
09:19 Therapy as a Technology of the Mind
13:33 The Three Guiding Principles of Positive Masculinity
24:00 Positive Masculinity as a Technology of Maturity
28:45 Combining Self-Esteem and Efficacy for a Full Life
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The passage discusses the concept of countertransference in the context of therapy. It explains that when therapists experience different feelings upon interacting with a patient, it is considered reading their own countertransference. This means that the therapist's own feelings, thoughts, and associations inform their understanding of the patient. The passage suggests that individuals can also apply this concept to themselves by recognizing and examining their own emotions and thoughts.
The passage then delves into the idea that outdoing one's father is often seen as taboo and can be a common reason for a man's failure to excel or learn new skills. It explains that surpassing one's father's achievements is typically reserved for a specific ritual or circumstance where the father willingly hands over the metaphorical mantle of authority. If such a transition hasn't occurred, or if there are unresolved issues or a strained relationship with the father, the taboo of surpassing him may still loom over the individual.
The passage further explores the role of the unconscious mind, explaining that it operates based on similar principles for all men. It compares the unconscious to an autopilot system, steering actions and decisions without conscious awareness. It suggests that this unconscious influence can lead individuals to act out or engage in behaviors driven by underlying motivations of which they may not be consciously aware.
Finally, the passage references the story of a young man in the book and film "Into the Wild" who sought to live off the land in Alaska but tragically perished. It suggests that his actions were unconsciously driven by a desire to find a replacement father figure in nature, stemming from his difficult relationship with his own father.
Overall, the passage explores the concepts of countertransference, the taboo of outdoing one's father, the influence of the unconscious mind, and the search for paternal figures in various contexts.
The passage explains the concept of countertransference in therapy, where therapists experience different feelings when interacting with patients. These feelings are believed to arise from the patient and inform the therapist's understanding of them. The passage suggests that individuals can also apply this concept to themselves by examining their own emotions and thoughts.
It then discusses the taboo of surpassing one's father, particularly in relation to career achievements. The passage suggests that outdoing one's father is often seen as unnatural and can be a common cause of failure for men. It explains that surpassing a father is typically only acceptable when the father passes on the mantle of authority or when there is a clear transition of power in the household. If this transition hasn't occurred, or if there are unresolved issues or a strained relationship with the father, the taboo of outdoing him may persist.
The passage highlights the role of the unconscious mind, noting that it operates based on similar principles for all men. It compares the unconscious to an autopilot system that influences thoughts and actions without conscious awareness. It can lead individuals to act out or engage in behaviors driven by unconscious motivations.
The passage then references the story of a young man in the book and film "Into the Wild" who sought to live in nature and ultimately met a tragic end in Alaska. It suggests that his actions were unconsciously driven by a desire to find a substitute father figure in nature due to his troubled relationship with his own father.
In summary, the passage explores the concepts of countertransference, the taboo of surpassing one's father, the influence of the unconscious mind, and the search for paternal figures in various contexts.
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Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss the concept of positive psychology and its relevance to both men and women. They explore the idea of unifying various fields of psychology into one model and the importance of character strengths and virtues. They also touch on the role of trauma in both males and females and how trauma work can lead to positive self-assessments and healthier relationships. The conversation explores the concept of positive psychology and its application to men's mental health. It emphasizes the importance of boundaries, mindfulness, and a constructive mindset.
The discussion also delves into self-view formation and past experiences' influence on goal-setting and career choices. The integration of different psychological theories, such as the hero's journey and the concept of form and content, is highlighted. The conversation concludes with a focus on the role of curiosity, relationships, and the challenges faced by men in today's society.
Keywords
positive psychology, unification theory, character strengths, virtues, trauma work, self-assessment, relationships, positive psychology, men's mental health, boundaries, mindfulness, constructive mindset, self-view, past experiences, goal-setting, career choices, integration of theories, hero's journey, form and content, curiosity, relationships, challenges faced by men.
Takeaways
Positive psychology focuses on building strengths and virtues rather than pathologizing symptoms.
Character strengths and virtues, such as gratitude, resilience, and personal boundaries, are key components of positive psychology.
Trauma work can lead to positive self-assessments and a healthier sense of self.
In relationships, conflict often arises from one person's trauma interacting with another person's trauma.
Combining trauma work with relationship therapy can lead to significant improvements in couples. Positive psychology emphasizes the importance of boundaries, mindfulness, and a constructive mindset for personal growth and well-being.
Past experiences and relationships play a significant role in shaping self-view and goal-setting.
The integration of different psychological theories provides a comprehensive understanding of human behavior and development.
Curiosity is a crucial trait for personal and relational growth.
Men face unique challenges in today's society, including navigating relationships and finding a balance between career and personal life.
Sound Bites
"Building our strengths is a more effective path to success than trying to force negative things out of ourselves."
"Positive psychology is about taking all the emotions, positive and negative, and processing the negative emotions using mature character apparatus."
"Being a win-win person, where you are trying to benefit yourself, but if you can benefit others at the same time, that's the way to go."
"It's all about you and what composes them and where are your weaknesses and where are your strengths and how can you amplify your strengths."
"See the world as a place of abundance rather than scarcity, where there's more than enough to go around."
"Recognize that goals and achievement can go hand in hand with your relationships."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Background on Positive Psychology
04:20 The Role of Character Strengths and Virtues
09:41 The Importance of Trauma Work
24:04 Integrating Trauma Work and Relationship Therapy
26:54 Introduction to Positive Psychology and Men's Mental Health
27:21 The Importance of Boundaries, Mindfulness, and Constructive Thinking
28:24 The Formation of Self-View and Goal-Setting
31:22 Integrating Psychological Theories for a Comprehensive Understanding
35:44 The Power of Curiosity in Personal and Relational Growth
37:41 Challenges Faced by Men in Today's Society
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Our ongoing programs on the various forms of therapy and how they affect men continue with notes and slides…
SUMMARY:
Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss mentalization therapy, which is a crucial aspect of every legitimate model of therapy.
Mentalization is the capacity to understand one's and others' internal mental processes, including thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, and motivations. This conversation explores mentalization's developmental trajectory and how it can go wrong, leading to misunderstandings and misinterpretations.
They also discuss the role of boundaries, projection, and unprocessed trauma in mentalization.
Building epistemic trust, understanding the components of trust, and the importance of trust in relationships are also explored.
The conversation concludes with a discussion on the unification of psychological models and the connection between mentalization and inner child work.
This conversation explores the concept of mentalization and its role in communication and relationships.
The discussion covers various topics, including the connection between self and ego states, the impact of childhood experiences on emotional regulation, communication styles in relationships, the role of masculinity in communication, the importance of stoicism, and the core skill of mentalization.
The conversation emphasizes the importance of being present-minded to access mentalization and highlights the use of the five senses, making decisions, and intimate communication as ways to enhance mentalization. Overall, mentalization is presented as a powerful tool for improving communication and fostering healthy relationships.
TAKEAWAYS
Takeaways
Mentalization is the capacity to understand one's own and others' internal mental processes.
Misunderstandings and misinterpretations can occur when mentalization goes wrong.
Building epistemic trust is crucial in mentalization therapy.
Mentalization can be connected to inner child work and the unification of psychological models. Mentalization is a core skill that allows individuals to understand their own thoughts and feelings as well as those of others.
Childhood experiences can impact emotional regulation and communication styles in adulthood.
Masculinity plays a role in communication, and understanding and respecting different communication styles is important in relationships.
Stoicism can be a useful tool in communication, but it is important to balance vulnerability and emotional expression.
Being present-minded is essential for accessing mentalization and improving communication.
Using the five senses, making decisions, and engaging in intimate communication can enhance mentalization.
Mentalization is a superpower that can lead to personal growth and positive change in relationships.
CHAPTERS
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Overview
00:30 Introduction to Mentalization Therapy
01:27 Observing Ego and Mentalization
02:42 Stranger Than Fiction
03:19 Theory of Mind and Mentalization
04:13 Developmental Trajectory of Mentalization
05:11 Misunderstandings and Misinterpretations
06:21 The Role of Boundaries in Mentalization
08:13 Projection and Unprocessed Trauma
09:17 Developmental Levels and Ego Defenses
10:10 Pretend Mode and Emotional Disconnect
11:13 Teleological Mode and Misinterpretations
12:16 Building Epistemic Trust in Mentalization Therapy
13:46 Components of Trust in Mentalization
14:00 Trust and Mentalization in Relationships
15:24 Marked Mirroring and Alien Self
16:22 Expanding the Self through Mentalization
18:21 Anxious Attachment and Domestic Violence
19:28 Divorcing Intellect from Emotions
20:16 The Importance of Passion and Emotion
20:32 Unification of Psychological Models
21:02 Inner Child Work and Mentalization
21:16 The Connection Between Self and Ego States
22:15 The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Emotional Regulation
23:26 Communication Styles in Relationships
25:19 The Role of Masculinity in Communication
26:06 The Importance of Stoicism in Communication
28:22 The Core Skill of Mentalization
29:20 Accessing Mentalization through Being Present-Minded
30:47 Using the Five Senses, Making Decisions, and Intimate Communication to Access Mentalization
34:16 The Power of Mentalization in Communication and Relationships
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SHOW NOTES:
The passage discusses the aim of establishing a body of knowledge called "masculine intelligence" through various programs. Instead of relying on a panel of elders, the goal is to provide men with mentors or heroes who can serve as sources of inspiration and guidance.
These mentors can be individuals like Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, or Warren Buffett, who possess qualities that resonate with one's own identity and values. By studying the lives and decisions of these heroes, individuals can learn valuable lessons and make decisions that align with their own aspirations.
The envisioned body of knowledge would help individuals view their challenges as initiation experiences, enabling personal growth and the ability to overcome obstacles, including the condition of depresculinity.
It is emphasized that fear is a common element in these initiation experiences, and men are called upon to develop skills and execute competencies in response to these challenges.
The passage discusses the concept of execution and the notion of a "killer instinct" in men. It suggests that men possess a natural instinct to excel and achieve results, often associated with the Greek god of war, Ares.
While today's society prohibits physical violence, the passage argues that this instinct still exists and needs to be acknowledged and harnessed.
It proposes that one way to channel this instinct is through setting boundaries and making decisions that prioritize one's own goals over the desires of others. By disappointing or saying no to others, men are symbolically "killing" their dreams for the sake of their own success.
This approach is considered utilitarian and believed to benefit society by allowing the best individuals to succeed. The passage also highlights examples of setting boundaries within personal relationships, even if it means disappointing loved ones in order to achieve desired outcomes. The ultimate objective is to assert one's will and achieve favorable results, even if initial resistance is encountered.
The passage discusses the difference between two types of anxiety: "boy anxiety" and "Man Anxiety." Boy Anxiety is described as crippling and paralyzing, while Man Anxiety is characterized by courage and heightened senses that don't hinder action.
The passage suggests that courage is a key aspect in overcoming panic attacks. It emphasizes the importance of shifting focus from fear and negative thoughts to mining negative experiences for skills, lessons, and strategies that can be used to confront future challenges. By doing so, individuals can come out of difficult experiences with new abilities, reduced fear, and improved ability to act with heightened senses.
The passage also mentions the upcoming exploration of the neuroscience and psychology behind depresculinity, attributing this condition to the mammalian and reptilian parts of the mind. Finally, the passage ends with a question about discipline and goal-setting in relation to personal experiences.
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