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So often as survivors of abuse we cope with triggers and depression and anxiety with methods that are unhealthy for ourselves and for those that we care about
Sometimes we aren't even aware of the ways that we are coping
They might not even seem to be that unhealthy to anyone else
But if our coping mechanisms are controlling us than we are just using them as a crutch that prevents us from actually progressing
But there are ways of finding other ways of coping that are healthy and help us in our journey to healing
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So many times we hear that therapy is so important
But for most of us who have never experienced therapy it can be a really scary thing to try
The only time we experience therapy is what we see on TV or movies
So we don't know what to expect
But it's so important to get good counseling to help you get through the experience of being a survivor
How do we know what is good therapy going to be like
It is important to know that everyone is different so therapy is going to be a different experience for you
So how do you know if you are doing it right
You try it with an open mind and the courage to be vulnerable
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The pain that comes from being abused doesn't just go away
But what happens to it?
Our pain as survivors evolves as we explore it and learn where it comes from
Expressing our pain helps us to learn how to accept it and handle it in ways that we can grow from
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Luke first came on our podcast over three years ago on episode 24
Since then he has been on our podcast several more times and on many other podcasts
So we wanted to catch up with Luke and find out how things have been going and what has changed for him now since he first came on
And also why he thinks it was so important for him to share his story with us the first time and why he still finds it so important to keep sharing
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One of the hardest things for survivors to realize is how the affects of the abuse on us is affecting those around us
The issues that we have because of what happened to us can affect all of our relationships
But we feel that we are the only one that is suffering
So if we don't want to get help because we don't think we need to than we are are ignoring the problems we could be having with our relationships
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Our mental maps are the shortcuts that our brains use when it is in the default mode
Unfortunately for survivors of abuse our maps can be faulty and even unhealthy for us
The good news is that we can change our mental maps for the better
By becoming aware of the mental maps we have when we go into default mode we can intentionally work on changing the unhealthy ones and learn healthy new ones
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How do you know if it was really abuse?
Maybe you feel that it wasn't that bad, especially compared to what someone else went through
Or you wonder if it was abuse if if you were stimulated and you got excited
Or you feel like it was your fault that you should have known better
Maybe you were told that it was your fault and you believed them
The fact is that as a child you cannot give consent to any kind of sexual activity, you don't have the understanding to give that consent
So any sexual act that you experienced as a child is considered non consensual and therefore abuse
It doesn't matter if it only happened once, or you feel that you found it exciting or stimulating
All abuse is wrong and it was not your fault
What matters is how it affected you when it happened and how it is affecting you now
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Finding hope can be challenging for abuse survivors who are often suffering from a sense of hopelessness
Hope is a feeling that can be learned because it comes from the way that we think about ourselves and our accomplishments
When we learn that the feeling of hope comes from how we think about ourselves and that we control those thoughts then we can find that hope is possible for survivors
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Going through the process of healing from sexual abuse can be so difficult
There are times it can be an emotional roller coaster of sadness and anger which can be very tiring
Sometimes it can be helpful to have a outlet where you can find comfort and safety
There are also times when it can help to find an outlet that connects you to your emotions in a safe place
This can be many different things from music to art to dance to journal writing, whatever helps you connect to your emotions
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As an abuse survivor there are many decisions that we have to make that most people aren't faced with
Do we tell our story, who do we tell and when
Part of what can make our decisions so hard is our own expectations about what will happen
Until we actually take the steps to tell our story and get the help that we deserve our expectations about what is going to happen when we tell our story can be so overwhelming it can make it hard to do it
Having some control over our expectations can help us to take the steps that we need in order to find the healing that we deserve
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In episode 121 Laurie challenged Kevin to do an experiment
Kevin accepted the challenge and was excited to see the results
Because this challenge turned out to be so exciting for Kevin we decided to send this challenge out to you, our listeners
So in this episode we are talking about what the challenge was and explaining why it is such a helpful exercise for you as a survivor of abuse to do
We hope that you too will find this challenge exciting and helpful and we can't wait to hear your results!
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We revisit this important panel discussion on shame, both healthy shame and toxic shame
With our former guests Tracy Stephanie and Ashleigh and Kevin's wife Charnell
We discuss how shame affects our lives as survivors of abuse and how there can be healthy shame and toxic shame
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One of the hardest questions survivors ask is if there is a God why does He let abuse happen?
Was it a part of his plan? Or was I being punished for something?
None of us truly know Gods plan but if we are given free will than the only one to blame for our abuse would be the perpetrator.
We are never at fault for the abuse that happened to us and blaming anyone besides the perpetrator does not help our healing.
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How we define ourselves and how others would define us can be very different.
Where our identity comes from matters on how we present our-self.
But we might not be aware of how others perceive us because of the way we learned to define ourselves that we are not aware of.
Alot of what we can learn about our own values can come from what we consider important in others , how we view what we feel is an important characteristic in others shows us what we consider important.
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Rage is an important topic that is so hard to talk about
Emotions aren't necessarily good or bad but they are information
But when you lose control of your emotions , especially anger, then it can be a problem.
That is why we are revising this episode of Rage.
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As survivors we are sometimes more aware of red flags because of our experience
What is our responsibility when we see something that makes us uncomfortable
This is an issue that can be so important to help prevent abuse
So we have revised this episode to make it sound better on all platforms
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Disclosure is an important step but not one to take lightly.
and it is not always the means to find closure.
In this episode we discuss what to expect from disclosure and the ways to find closure.
We have revised this episode to make it sound better on all platforms.
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For survivors shame seems to be a part of life.
It always seems to be present with us.
It doesn't have to be that way.
There are methods to counter the shame that we feel so we handle our shame in a healthier way.
So we are not controlled by our shame or identified with it.
Instead we can learn to control how we address our shame.
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This can be a very divisive topic for survivors.
One of the ways that our mind protects us when we experience trauma is to repress the experience.
This is helpful to us at the time of trauma but even though the memory is hidden the trauma still affects us.
If you have symptoms of trauma without any explanation for these symptoms it can be because the memories have been repressed.
Sometimes these memories don't come to the surface until something reminds of us of the trauma later in life.
If you are experiencing symptoms of trauma that are affecting you without any obvious explanations it could be because of repressed memories .
There are ways to uncover these memories that will help you to understand and recover from this.
It is important to find the root issues of your coping disorders rather than just treating them because your mind will often just find other methods to cope until you actually get to the actual trauma that you are hiding from.
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It is so important to be aware of coercive control when it is happening in our lives.
Coercive control can really affect us if we allow it, so it is important to know how to understand it.
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