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We don't want to ask for help with the mental load.
Something about saying "can you help me with..." or "thanks for helping me with..." just grates on me. Most likely because it implies that I own the entire task and my partner only has to think about it and participate if asked, directed and given specific instructions.
Sometimes when I'm at my breaking point and feeling frustrated about how much of the mental load I carry, I don't want to ask for help and I need a small way to help me get past feeling frustrated by it. At least enough that I can have a conversation and not an argument around the task at hand.
I'm a believer in small language changes helping shift your broader mindset. Recently Zach Watson (Recovering Man Child) made a reel about is saying "thank you for unloading the groceries" or "thank you for filling out that form".
When I say "help me", inside I'm hoping my husband picks up on the cue that doing this more often would benefit. me and be a big help, lighten my load and therefore he should do it more often. That message is never received. Instead, being direct in the ask and swapping out "helping" for the actual verb changes the tone from a desperate ask to a form of gratitude. And gratitude is more likely to be noticed and repeated. It also helps shift you out of negative energy and closer to a space where you can articulate your needs.
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What is the mental load like in LGBTQ+ households?
Today, Dr. Jazmin Richter joins us to talk through their experience redistributing the mental load as a queer couple in preparation for kids.
In this episode we do a deep dive in to how partners can be more supportive to each other, change language around the mental load, and better align their values to create a more equal distribution of labor.
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"Just ask for help" when it comes to the mental load. Don't be a nag - why women are held to a double standard in the household.
In this hot take, Katlynn discusses why women are held to a double standard; being told to ask for help to alleviate the mental load, while being called a nag when they ask if something's gotten done.
Men often get a pass to forget; they have a safety net of their partners who remember everything and know how to communicate the details and logistics of all aspects of the house. Often, they get to say "I forgot" or "I got sidetracked" when it comes to managing household labor. But women aren't afforded the same luxury.
The reality is that our reminders come from lessons learned that it could be the last minute when we find out that you "forgot" or "got sidetracked" and didn't get something critical or important done. So our reminders are our safety net. And we pay the price by being called a nag.
For the men out there, if you think your wife is a nag, try asking yourself if you've been consistent. If she can trust that at the 11th hour, she won't find out that you forgot to do something important. If you haven't been consistent, she's not a nag. You're inconsistent.
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Advice on how to change the mental load from a marriage therapist.The effect the mental load has on marriages and how to have the conversation with your spouse.
It's (one) of the episodes you all have been waiting for. How do you have the mental load conversation with your spouse and create meaningful change?
Licensed therapist, Kristen Sanchez, takes us through the process of:
having the conversationexamining your own contributions approaching your partnercreating lasting changethe impact of the mental load on relationshipsJoin us for this impactful conversation with an unexpected solution to solving the mental load.
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The mental load and weaponized incompetence.
In this hot take, Katlynn discusses what weaponized incompetence looks like after women have been gone for a short or extended period of time from their homes.
When we leave our home whether to travel for work or for time away for a little bit of self care, it's unfair to come home to a messy house and kids that are completely off schedule.
Why is it that when we're out of town our husbands get to parent like they're in survival mode? But when we're home alone for anything length of time, we're failures if we aren't maintaining the standards.
Here's they hypothesis: women know they will be judged on the state of their house and parenting when they have to do it solo whereas men don't know they have the privilege of being free from that judgement.
Is it nature or nurture? Probably a bit of both when it comes to housekeeping. Men weren't raised to care about it and they may also come from households where that wasn't the vibe or priority. But, the thing is, if your partner has expressed how much they need the household to be maintained in order to move smoothly throughout their day and you simply choose not to do it? That's weaponized incompetence. As adults we are all capable of learning; we do it all the time in our jobs, so by you opting out of learning how to support your partner, that's a clear sign of opting out of supporting them.
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Why do millennial moms expect so much more from their husbands when it comes balancing the mental load?
This week Angie and Katlynn debrief their episode with their boomer moms about the mental load. The two biggest takeaways from moms week were:
They didn't have the language to talk about the mental load like millennial womenThey accepted and were ok with the way things wereWhich makes us wonder: where did we get the audacity?
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Mentioned in this episode:
Joy School Affiliate Link
https://thepathtojoy.thrivecart.com/melissa-blooms-joy-school/partner/
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One fast way to lighten the mental loadThe affect of mommy influencers on our mental load
There's no shame in the mommy influencer game. At all. It's a respectable way to make a living. But as millennial moms were inundated with information previous generations didn't have; in large part because of influencers.
We've done a lot of damage to our mental health in the early days of influencers. We're just starting to see a shift to more "authentic" content and an even smaller percentage of mom-targeted content creators that are talking about things like the mental load and its affects on women.
We've accidentally added to our mental load by following a million parenting content creators. It was with the best of intentions, but comparison became another to-do box on our to-do list.
If you're looking to lighten the mental load, take inventory of the content creators your follow in the parenting space and Marie Kondo that shit. If it doesn't serve you and bring you joy; let it go.
Mute those friends who make you feel like you're a shitty mom because you don't have the most stylish family photos scheduled. Trust us, it will give you back a lot of headspace.
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Join two millennial moms and their boomer mothers to discuss the mental load.
This week Katlynn and Angie host their moms and mother-in-laws to discuss the mental load and get perspective from a different generation.
We have our moms here because we thought it’d be a fun way for people to get to know us but also because as we’ve discussed so often on the podcast, the mental load is gendered, it’s generational and there are so many social standards that keep it in place so we think it’s going to be fun to hear what our moms thought about the mental load raising us and what their thoughts are on it now that they’ve got adult children and grandchildren.
Together we discuss:
What our moms knew about the mental load or how much they thought about it as they were mothering. Bringing us to one of the most shocking realizations that we discuss in the next episode.What they talked about with their friends about the mental loadThe biggest differences between millennials raising kids and their generation when they raised kidsHow they divided and thought about work amongst their kidsWhat their expectations for their husbands wereWhat they'd change if they could parent againDon't forget to rate, review and subscribe to the mental load podcast
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The Mental Load and Prepping to go out of Town
This week's hot take is about the mental load and prepping to go out of town. Those who carry the mental load can't simply pack their suitcase, give a few minor instructions and leave town. When you carry the mental load, in order to leave town you have to download your inherent knowledge and bring your partner up to speed on everything that needs to happen such as:
school schedules/summer camp schedulesappointmentsextracurricular activitiesFor men, it's often not the same. They get to pack their suitcase and leave without a worry. This is the epitome of the mental load: needing to document details that only you know but are critical to your family functions because there is no safety net.
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What transferrable skills does managing the mental load give moms?
Today we’re discussing some of the valuable skill sets you get as a mom from balancing the mental load. I think we all feel stuck sometimes and focus a lot on the drain that the mental load causes and a while back, I listened to a podcast that was focused on skills that are unique to moms in the workplace because of motherhood and it felt like this awesome little pick me up, so I thought today’s topic would be a sweet little follow up and pep talk to why it’s hard to talk about the mental load to also look at some of the ways we can use it to our advantage. So that’s not to say that things shouldn’t change; they definitely should, but if you’re a mom who’s feeling stuck, looking to change jobs or just move in a new direction in life, our hope is that this episode makes you feel badass and see how you can apply some of the things you’re learning from being a mother to your goals and dreams in your own life.
Anticipation = risk analysis and trade off
What is a risk assessment and how do you conduct one?According to UCLA: "In operations, financial reporting and compliance, risks need to be identified and analyzed. Assessing risk enables you better achieve your group's goals by helping you determine how pitfalls should be managed. Managers must determine the level of operations, financial and compliance risk they are willing to assume. Assessing risk enables managers to proactively reduce unwanted surprises.What questions do you ask yourself when you conduct a risk assessment? These are direct from UCLA’s website. Do they sound familiar?What could go wrong?How could we fail?What must go right for us to succeed?Where are we vulnerable?How could someone disrupt our operations?On what information do we most rely?On what do we spend the most money?After risks have been identified, an analysis should be performed to set priorities:
Assess the likelihood (or frequency) of the risk occurring.Estimate the potential impact if the risk were to occur. Consider both quantitative and qualitative costs.Determine how the risk should be managed; decide what actions are necessary.Prioritizing helps departments focus their attention on managing significant risks such as risks with reasonable likelihoods of occurrence and large potential impacts."
Finding solutions = creativity
Making decisions = empathetic, creating buy in
According to Mural
"Build a compelling case - To do this, you should make sure that you’ve carefully identified the problem you’re looking to solve (remember: it’s not always so obvious!), understand your success criteria, and have gathered supporting data so you can test your idea.Understand your audience - know how involved they are and how to tailor your messageMake it collaborative - engage your stakeholders, co-create solutions, solicit feedbackAnticipate and overcome resistance - offer compromises and build consensus"Monitoring = self awareness
Forces you to be introspectiveHelps you balance what was in vs out of your controlIs this the trickiest one for toxic positivity because we end up blaming ourselves too much?Please rate, review, subscribe or share with a friend if you've enjoyed this podcast.
Thoughts you want to share? Email us at: [email protected]
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Mentioned in this episode:
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Sacrificing your sanity and being overwhelmed by the mental load at dinner isn't required.Be earth conscious, but don't feel guilty when you have to use paper plates to lighten the mental load every once and a while.
As a family of six, the mental load around dinner and chores related to dinner is never ending. And with summer approaching we'll be running the dishwasher multiple times a day. And while it's important to take care of our earth and we pride ourselves on being an earth-conscious family sometimes you just need to use paper plates and plastic silverware to save your sanity.
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How the mental load takes over women's livesHow not to lose yourself in motherhood
"I resent the fact that you (dads) get to maintain your individuality, while I do not."
The Mental Load often takes over women's lives leaving us feeling unfulfilled and like we lost ourselves in motherhood. It's a form of identity theft that nobody warns us about.
When you become a mom, everyone starts to view you as "{insert kid's name} mom" while dads don't become {insert kid's name} dad". Men get to retain their individuality while women are taught to only look at the positive of motherhood. That kids are a gift and you should feel blessed...all the time. And nobody prepares us for this identity theft that happens immediately. We're swallowed into motherhood and suddenly find ourselves lacking time and energy for anything but mothering. Which leaves us struggling to feel like we haven't lost ourselves.
In today's episode, Angie and Katlynn explore why, when we take on the mental load, it feels like we lose ourselves because:
We have less time to think of and anticipate my own needs so I feel blindsided by them (KP)We have no time to think freely or do something that feels luxuriousThere's no more time to do my own personal hobbiesOthers assuming that our only role and source of satisfaction is our childrenWe start feeling guilty that I have this huge privilege of raising kids but harboring this “secret” that we want more out of life than just being a momNew this season:
reach us at: [email protected]
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The mental load and mother's dayFor men: Why moms care so much about Mother's Day
Join Katlynn from the Mental Load Podcast in this Mother's Day hot take.
Attention dads! Mother's Day for moms isn't necessarily about how big you celebrate it. It really comes down to being recognized for work that we feel is usually ignored.
The holiday's usually fall into the mental load category because there's invisible labor that goes into planning them:
- coordinating
- planning the logistics
- buying the gifts
The thing about the mental load is that it often breeds resentment because it's invisible. Mothers feel unrecognized, under-appreciated and undervalued. When the dads out there present us with last minute, not so thoughtful gifts, wait for us to tell them what to do, or put it on us to plan, they're essentially validating all the negative thoughts we have around the mental load.
Dads, Mother's Day is your time to step it up and own the process from start to finish. Don't promise her a "day off" where you half-ass or don't do the chores so she's behind when she wakes up Monday morning. Don't put the planning on her. Take the time to recognize her and while you're at it, take the time to plan the logistics if you celebrate your own mom. Don't assume your wife will coordinate and shop for gifts on your behalf. Your mom wants to feel appreciated and recognized by you. The mental load here is for you to own.
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Preparing for maternity leave and the start of the mental load.Career coach to help moms navigate a career and children.
Women deal with a lot of emotions and roadblocks going into and coming back from maternity leave. How do we better prepare ourselves, our workplaces and our partners so the mental load at home and at work isn’t as bad? We had a great episode a couple weeks ago with Sarah Reeves about how to help shape the workplace into one that is more supportive for caregivers, so today’s conversation I think is going to be a nice follow-up to how to prepare yourself for the changes that come with becoming a mother and taking on more of the mental load both at home and in the office.
Today's guest is Lauren Gordon. Lauren is a dual-certified life and career coach for working moms, and a former senior leader in human resources at a global financial services company. She specializes in helping working moms fully enjoy life with a career and children, without trading happiness for a paycheck.
Lauren runs her own coaching practice where she works one-on-one with working moms who are navigating a wide range of personal and professional challenges. Lauren's areas of expertise include helping women to overcome feelings of stress, guilt, and overwhelm; ending imposter syndrome by growing their self-confidence; addressing people-pleasing and perfectionistic tendencies; navigating career decisions; and more.
Lauren lives in a suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with her husband, Eli, and their three young daughters, ages 7, 5, and 3. When Lauren isn't coaching and teaching working moms, you can find her taking Peloton classes, reading, and continually trying to improve her cooking skills to keep up with the other members of her monthly cookbook club.
Visit www.laurengordon.com to learn more about how to work with Lauren, and follow her on Instagram @workingmomcoach for tips you can begin applying to your life today.
The mental load isn’t just something that shows up at home, it’s also something that creeps in to our work lives. In the workplace, women spend more time on “non-promotable tasks” than men, which is unpaid work related to social or administrative “office housekeeping.” These types of activities are vital to maintaining company culture and strengthening team connections, but are not valued as strategic — and therefore come with little to no recognition, appreciation, reward, or career advantage.
In this episode, we explore:
Where the mental load started for usWhat emotions women are facing personally and professionally going into maternity leaveWhat the mental load looks like professionallyHow we can better prepare women for maternity leaveHow the mental load perpetuates the stereotype that women are distracted or somehow not as good at their jobs after they have kidsHow men prepare for maternity leave and how it looks different than womenHow to prepare to return from maternity leaveMentioned in this episode:
Joy School Affiliate Link
https://thepathtojoy.thrivecart.com/melissa-blooms-joy-school/partner/
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How do countries outside America support families and therefore lighten the mental load?
What do nordic countries do to support families:
Baby boxes with important newborn items to set families up for successPaid parental leave In Norway, parental leave is paid at full pay for the first 44 weeks or at 80% if parents opt to take 54 weeks. To encourage both parents to play their part, fathers must take at least six weeks' parental leave or risk the family losing payments for the same period.Free universal childcare from 18 mo - 7 yearsCapped childcare costsStrong gender equality in the workforce:Gender quotas legislate for a 40% female presence in the country’s parliament and on business boards, resulting in a strong female presence – Norway’s prime minister, minister of finance and minister of foreign affairs are all female, while women make up 41% of the C-suite.What happened to America?
"Ronald Reagan: by 1980 the Moral Majority, the main Evangelical lobby, had almost half a million members (Diamond 174).2 These new activists had three priorities, and they were directly related to the sexual revolution of the 1960s and the issue of women’s rights: the denunciation of homosexuality, the fight against abortion (which was famously declared constitutional by the Supreme Court with its Roe v. Wade decision in 1973), and the rejection of the ERA (the Equal Rights Amendment) (Martin 162-166, 193-194). In the late 1970s, Ronald Reagan quickly understood the incredible electoral potential of the Christian Right."
These policies all hold women back economically by making childcare unaffordable (which means we have to puzzle piece it together).
Once covid hit, moms were spending five hours a day more on chores than menHit women of color especially hard bc there are stricter gender norms
When we’re faced with this onslaught of policies that harm more than they help, we decide to leave the workforce.
The nation loses a major economic factor:
Household earnings therefore spending go downCompanies lose more workers and therefore innovationWhy don’t we view it as economically beneficial to support families?
America’s lack of family support rests on a false assumption: that providing help discourages parents from taking responsibility for their children.
And while other wealthy countries spend an average of $14,000each year per child on early-childhood care, the U.S. spends a miserly $500. Underlying each of these bleak truths appears to be the same, misguided belief: that government support for parents is at odds with parents being responsible for their kids.
Helping parents is not the same as parenting, and support does not replace real-life parents.
Why do we think tough love is good for families as policy?
Treating parenting with punitive punishment
What are the good things to come from supporting families and why should we care?We know that in countries with greater gender inequality just closing the gap in women’s labor force participation could increase economic output by an average of 35 percent.
New Mexico used $77 million in American Rescue Plan Act dollars to create the Competitive Pay for Professionals (CPP) program to fund $3/hour pay increases for an estimated 16,000 child care staff.37 Iowa used $30 million to provide $1,000 and $2,000... -
The mental load of meal planning.Why families struggle with meals and how it creates invisible labor for women.
Meal planning, it's a bitch, right? In this week's hot take, Angie, discusses how her family of six has tackled meal planning. And, if we do say so ourselves, it's kinda genius.
Instead of meticulously planning out each meal and the ingredients or making everything on the weekend to simply reheat on the weeknights, they've picked a theme for each night, so the guess work is less and the kids know what to expect.
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Maternity Leave and the mental load
Maternity Leave isn't a vacation. In fact, it's where the mental load really starts and becomes one-sided.
Today we discuss how Employee Resource Groups can help support and lighten the load for not just moms, but all caregivers, joined by Sarah Reeves.
Sarah is a girl mom to Ella 8, Norah 5, Husband Aaron of 13 years. She's the Director of Product Management at one of the largest internet companies to date. After her first child, she co-founded a global employee resource group for parents that evolved to include caregivers of all kinds. Sarah loves to swear, especially during passionate discussions.
What is the issue?
Modern parenting expectations set women up even before the birth to carry the majority of the mental load. And that load continues to avalanche in from pregnancy into maternity leave.
Gaps in community/village supportTwisted perceptions (mat leave is a vacation) and the additional pressures put on parentsInternalized expectations, maternal gate-keeping, martyrdom Why you can’t comparing maternity leave to vacationYour body is restoring itself after a traumatic event, not recovering after cocktails on the beach.This is prime time for cocooning, not for indulging your social butterfly side at the cruise ship dinner buffet.You don’t need an alarm clock because the baby is the alarm clock, not because you’re going to actually sleep in.A new family member means added mental load, not a break from your to-do list.You need real capacity to deal with the unexpected, and I don’t just mean flight delays into Aruba.What are the effects?
Men who take paternity leave are less likely to get divorced, and a Swedish study found that when fathers were offered up to 30 days of flexible leave while their partners were on maternity leave, their spouses are less likely to be on anti-anxiety medication in the postpartum period.Relationship Equity - Women whose partners take on an equal share of the MENTAL load have higher libidosLow female sexual desire affects more than 50% of women and is difficult to treat.Study findings suggest low desire is not a problem, an internal problem for women to resolve solo; effort needed from both partners.Need more than just the physical load - where wife/mom = project managerHomosexual partners handle relationship equity better on averageChildcare deserts - women are disproportionately impacted: 23-75% of families across the US report having a struggle finding childcare. Disproportionately affecting communities of color and rural and urban areas impacted more so than suburban families. States with fewer ‘childcare deserts’ see less women in the workforce.We just went off our childcare cliff with expiration of federal funding started during the pandemic to aid families in the cost of childcare. The average family spends 27% of their income on childcare, DHHS says for it to be considered “affordable” it shouldn’t exceed 7%. Over 3 million children are at risk of losing childcare because of this with a projected $10.6 billion in... -
Acts of service as a love language
Anecdotally I have noticed that every woman in a heterosexual relationship will say that her love language is acts of service. Ask her husband what her love language is and he'll say "definitely acts of service". But I think this is bullshit.
What if, women are using acts of service as a love language as a cover for asking our partners to pick up more of the mental load?
I find it statistically impossible that every woman lists acts of service as their love language. I would bet money that if we had more equitable households and marriages, the percentage of women who say acts of service is their love language would decline significantly.
This is all just my opinion and has not be researched in any way shape or form.
Drop your comments at the mental load podcast on YouTube.
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Telling moms to practice self-care is not an answer to the mental load.
What is the issue?
Telling moms to practice more self-care is a bullshit cop out.
Self care is defined as the ability to care for oneself through awareness, self-control, and self-reliance in order to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being.
The term “self-care” actually has roots in the civil rights and women’s rights movements of the 1960s and ’70s. (There’s a frequently shared quote by Black American writer and activist Audre Lorde—“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”)
Self-care is an estimated $10 billion industry with a large portion coming from the beauty sector
The ideas for self-care is different for women vs men
Men are allowed to work hard and play hardDrinking beer and hanging with buddies, golf, lawn care, watching sportsAll very time consuming eventsWomen must FIND the time to get self careWhy is a hot shower marketed to women as self care? Hot showers should just be a given and a bare minimum.Commercialized self care only geared towards moms: beauty serums, exercise programs, “mommy makeover”We’re told “you deserve it” so it becomes something we are or not worthy ofLeisure gap: Men spend roughly 3 more hours on leisure activities per week than women.But the truth is that self-care is not enough. And it’s time that we stop telling moms that a simple act of self-care will undo the years of culture-induced overwhelm that is causing us all to burn out.
What are the effects?
Burn out - Constant pouring from an empty cupResentment towards partnerFatigue, headaches, stomach issues, and heart disease.Low energy and less patienceHow does this relate to the mental load?
The coordination of our own self care – when, where, how One more freaking thing to manage.coordinating before we have to leaveLogically we know this is best for us but actually stepping away makes us feel guiltySocietal pressures to be everything to everyone.But also - I don’t actually need self care. I need a partner who’s more switched on on a daily basis. Self care isn’t a break; it’s just delaying getting the stuff done we need to get done. I can’t take care of myself if I don’t trust my partner will seamlessly carry on without me.
How can we fix this?
Self care can be viewed as a partner's responsibility.Change the narrative of self care as a health priority over an optional privilege. What is your self care?Catch us on YouTube
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Motherly's State of Motherhood and the Mental Load
Join us and special guest, Kate Anderson, Chief of Staff at Motherly to discuss their annual State of Motherhood report. The largest body of research regarding motherhood and issues impacting families.
Kate Anderson is a leader in generating change and gender equality within the startup space.
As a Chief of Staff at Motherly, a wellbeing destination empowering mothers to thrive with expert content, innovative product solutions, and supportive community. Motherly engages an audience of 40 million+ readers and viewers a month, with on-demand parent education classes, Webby-award winning videos, The Motherly Podcast, essays, and articles, and a highly-engaged social media community.
As co-founder and VP of Operations of IFundWomen, she has driven millions of dollars into the hands of female founders. IFundWomen's flexible crowdfunding platform combines a pay-it-forward model, expert startup coaching, professional video production, and a private community for its entrepreneurs, all with the goal of helping female entrepreneurs launch successful businesses.
Prior to launching IFundWomen, Kate spent four years at Hines Interests, one of the largest and most respected real estate organizations in the world with more than $116 billion under management.
Kate earned her BA from Colgate University and received a Masters of Professional Studies from Georgetown University.
Nearly 10,000 mothers completed our sixth annual survey, conducted from Feb. 26 to March 13, 2023. To ensure our results represent today’s mothers accurately, we weighted the data to align with US Census demographic data. Our report focuses on the findings from millennial and Gen Z mothers, but we also provide some insights from Gen X mothers who participated in the survey. Findings continue to validate that today’s mothers are parenting without adequate structural support.
Findings of the survey:
1. The Great Resignation continues for mothers 2. Self-care looks different as moms prioritize sleep over sex and friends 3. Household and family responsibilities fall more on mothers than during the height of the pandemic 4. Mental health is mom’s biggest worry 5. 8 in 10 mothers worry about a recession and are making preemptive cutsThe Great Resignation for Moms:
SAHM has nearly doubled from 15% in 2022 to 25% in 2023The message is clear: to return to work, families need flexible work schedules and affordable childcareCurrent events contradicting that:
Return to office movementChildcare cliff we just went over as of 9/30Discussion: It’s almost like we need a motherhood union. The great resignation reminds me of when unions first started and workers went on strike...
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