Episoder
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In the future, all animated movie roles will be voiced by Chris Pratt. Every new and rebooted cartoon character will be Prattified, stripping them of their known timbres and inflections to instead don the casually masculine attitude of one Chris Pratt. Mickey Mouse, Shrek, and every single Minion will sound like Mario, Garfield, Emmet from The Lego Movie, and one of those blue guys from that Pixar film nobody talks about. In the future, Hollywood's sole media corporation, DisneyΩmega, will permanently dub Chris Pratt's voice into the entirety of its existing catalog of animated films. Subsequent generations of viewers will only be able to access Prattconned versions of An American Tale, The Iron Giant, and Frozen featuring Chris Pratt as both Anna and Elsa. In the future, your phone, your car, and your talking sex machine, will all speak to you in the tender-yet-bro-ish tones of Chris Pratt. Every syllable of every language will be recorded meticulously by Pratt allowing AI developers to design models of Chris Pratt's voice for limitless uses around the globe. In the future, the Internet and all virtual assistant apps will be replaced with one omnipresent, omniscient voice of Chris Pratt. Google will become useless, as all search queries will only surface "Chris Pratt" due to his millions of IMDb credits. In the future, news anchors will move to North Prattkoda to hone their regionless, Pratt-like delivery. Actors will study for years under specially-trained dialect coaches (Chris Pratt's great-great-grandchildren) to achieve an accurate Prattccent. In the future, the longest-running and only reality show left on television will be an annual competition marry the most eligible single guy who, like Chris Pratt, can transform from chubby comic relief to chiseled leading man, titled "The Prattchelor." In the future Emperor Chris Prattzenegger VII of The New World Government (a subsidiary of DisneyΩmega), will deem Chris Pratt's voice the ideal, aspirational expression of human communication. All schoolchildren will receive standardized testing to ensure their vocabulary is consistent with the preferred Prattxicon. In the future, the words "talking" and "speaking" will eventually be eclipsed by the more common usage of the phrase "Prattling" or "to make mouth noises in the way of the Pratt." Linguists will trace the origins of this new offshoot to the sacred streaming files of Parks and Recreation where it was first introduced to a wide audience (though some scholars will insist it dates back even further to the myths of Everwood.) In the future, all human labor will be in service of enforcing trademark laws on behalf of the estate of Chris Pratt, as due to his in perpetuity licensing agreement with the Disney Empire, everyone who speaks like Chris Pratt (i.e. everyone) owes him residuals for the use of his voice and likeness. An annual census will determine each individual's Pratt Burden and place them in either 80% or 90% income Pratt Bracket. In the future, by choosing only those mates whose voices sound the most like Prattesque, humans will evolve to homogenize all speech tones to that of our Star-Lord and savior, Guardian of the Galaxy, Chris Pratt. Dogs and cats will also be selectively bred to sound like Chris Pratt saying "woof" and "meow," respectively. In the future, all worship services at Orthodox Prattsbyterian churches will be conducted in the traditional Prattin, or "Pratt Latin." In the future, bionic implants will auto-tune all natural sounds to those of Chris Pratt. A blowing breeze through the trees will be heard as Chris Pratt's rascally rasp saying, "Woosh." Birds flying overhead will cry "Ca-caw" with Pratt's irascible sarcasm. The coo of an infant will be replaced with Chris Pratt's puckish, adult voice matter-of-factly uttering, "Hey, I'm a freakin' adorable baby." In the future, all will become Chris Pratt and Chris Pratt will become all. And stubble shall cover the Earth.
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I woke up on my 28th birthday feeling like shit. It was not the hangover, nor was it the dread of inching closer to 30, which isn't even a thing anymore because everyone is all stoked to turn 30 now (apparently you finally figure out which pants don't look like absolute shit on you and also how to enjoy sex. It sounds fucking sick and frankly I can't wait.) What I'm talking about is that unmistakable pang of disappointment I got when I opened my eyes unscathed on my 28th birthday with the certainty that I was officially an artistic failure. In a sick way, living past the age of 27 is just a reminder that I am in fact not a rock & roll visionary whose legend will live on eternally in the hearts of devout fans at this point in my career. The 27 Club includes the larger-than-life musical masterminds Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones and, most notably, not me. As I sipped my iced latte and watched my own Instagram story, I couldn't help but be disgusted, because I hate cold coffee and myself, but also because I realized that we as a society have failed to celebrate the other greats who stayed with us a little longer. They deserve to be inducted into their own postmortem club, too! And maybe I'm just waiting to join the right one for me. If you've lived past the age cut-off for The 27 Club like I did, you may simply be holding out to join one of these other iconic groups based on your specific talents and noteworthiness. "The Apostles 33" That's right. Thirty-three, AKA The Jesus Age. Dying at 33 could mean one of two things: 1) you're a nepo-baby whose father's fame gave you some perks and entitlement that ultimately got you into trouble in the end. The proof of this continues with Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, daughter-in-law of John F. Kennedy, who tragically passed away in a private plane crash at this age. The second thing this could mean is that you are fucking hilarious. The curtain closed during Act 33 for comedy geniuses John Belushi and Chris Farley, so if you're 33 with an elite sense of humor I would consider it a full-on hex the next time someone comments "Dead." on your funny Tik Tok. "The 36 Chicks" This one is for my queens out there. Among this group who left their mark on this dull, undeserving world in just 36 years is Catherine Parr (the last queen of the House of Tudor), Princess motherfucking Diana (perhaps the most beloved royal there ever was), and American royalty herself, Marilyn Monroe. They slayed their best until they were laid to rest *nail polish emoji*. Ok that was in poor taste but the whole concept of this article is kinda fucked so if you're not into it just go back to watching Trader Joe's recipe videos and no one will judge you. "The Double Troubles" It's no coincidence that groundbreaking men like Christopher Columbus and Matthew Perry died at double the age of 27: 54. But sometimes more is not always better. Each of these men are famous for playing a pivotal role in the creation of something that loyal white folks still put on a pedestal to this day: 'Murica and Friends. Both projects turned out to be overrated. And racist. Do not come for me. "The 76ers" Dying at age 76 is a one-way ticket to jock status for eternity. This group boasts some legendary athletes. Most recently, this club drafted OJ Simpson, the NFL football player who was known for playing 11 seasons with the Buffalo Bills and nothing else at all that I can think of off the top of my head. Alongside Simpson in The 76ers is French football player Rachid Belhout, British cyclist Pete Smith, and American wrestler Douglas Blubaugh. Blubagh's cause of death was in fact not "blue balls," although I desperately wanted it to be because of his name; it was a traffic accident, which isn't nearly as funny but I imagine it's a quicker way to go. RIP Dougie. "The Great Whites" You've got 99 problems but dying young ain't one. Legend of all legends Betty White held out all the way until age 99! S...
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Mangler du episoder?
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You're a terrible person. You think terrible thoughts and do terrible things. You hurt the people you love, and you once climaxed to the Mucinex monster when a banner ad popped up at the worst possible time. Nobody knows this better than your therapist. You've loaded them up like a Pez dispenser with life-ruining stories about yourself, so it's just a matter of time until they try to blackmail you. But you don't have to take this lying down on a fainting couch. Here are some ways to protect yourself from the person you pay to nod at your pain Communicate exclusively through squawks and chirps. Birds rarely get extorted, so if your therapist asks about your relationship with your stepmom, just twitch your head and feather-pick your wing lice. If that doesn't work, fly south with the other geese that are also avoiding self-examination. Splice veiled threats into your stories. While discussing how your week went, mention your impulse to smack disloyal therapists with pipes, then mention you went pipe shopping. (Keep your receipt so you can return the pipe after smashing their end table!) Bottle up your feelings. Ketchup, root beer, repressed trauma - all the best things come in bottles! What, you think you're better than pickles? I'd rather munch a gherkin than hear you yak about your shopping addiction. Go to a deaf shrink, and grow bangs over your mouth. Hair is a shield that comes out of your head for free! If you can't find a hearing-impaired therapist in your network, pick one with good ears and fire Civil War cannons next to their head for six years. For added security, headbang dandruff into their eyes. Whisper your secrets into a shame sack. A reliable shame sack should have a drawstring to cinch the secrets inside. Drop in a few decoy potatoes to ward off therapists who hate potatoes. But before you get too candid with your sack, pat it down to make sure it's not wearing a wire. art by Weekly Humorist staff Buy the book! LIFE WANTS YOU DEAD A Calm, Rational, and Totally Legit Guide to Scaring Yourself Safe By Evan Waite • Illustrations by Paula Searing
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Bluey, that Australian animated television series about two cute puppies and their over-indulgent parents, has made everyone cry with their recent extended-length episode, "The Sign." With the overwhelming success of that, the show is now encouraging the production team to start working on new and edgier episodes, coming in 2025: Nana Goes to the Farm When Nana gets hurt chasing cars, Mum and Dad have to discuss putting Nana down. Bath Day The family is forced to confront the fact that they all hate the smell of wet dog. Fleas Everyone freaks when the flea circus comes to town. Throw-y Uppy The family gets a stomach virus but makes a game of it. Vet Day When it's time for Bluey and Bingo's shots, the family has to deal with an anti-vax pack of dogs. Mr. Fix-it After a litter-scare, Dad gets fixed. Leash Laws Somehow a cat gets elected as Mayor of Brisbane and starts getting restrictive laws passed. (episode contains flashing images and violent protesters.) Rabies When Lucky's Dad gets rabies, the girls get sad because they can't play with Lucky any more. Dry Food Bluey goes on a hunger strike until her parents let her eat canned food. Doggie Style Bluey and Bingo get into trouble when they advertise a fashion shop they're setting up in their backyard. Toilet water The family has to teach Bingo not drink out of the toilet, even though it's "RIGHT THERE!" Get to Know 'em The Heeler family makes an ill-advised trip to South Dakota. (series finale)
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Double Jeopardy Latte Maxwell House Detention Fresh Grounds for Appeal KKKona Grounds Zero On Ice Coffee 7/11 to Life Mister Cofeve Putin Double Shot of Java in the Head Handcuffeinated Elliot Nesspresso Russian Coffee Brewskis Prison Brew Crew Cup of Joe Stalin Pardon My Mocha Arrested by a Coppuccino
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Glade Plug Ins Not intended to be used a butt plug, according to ER personnel. The Destroyer What was this supposed to have destroyed? My relationship with my husband? Okay, maybe. But my genitals are none the worse for wear. Vibrating Egg Didn't really care for it. Felt really weird, and kind of gross. Still, a funny prank gift for the kids when Easter rolls around! Strawberry Passion Deluxe Body Lube Kind of an unpleasant flavor, similar to strawberry and ass (although, to be fair, might have to do with the part of the body being lubed). Anal Bee's I have since discovered that this should have been "anal beads" rather than "anal bees". The former sounds pretty nice, actually. Don't make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that's all I'm saying. Magneto Not a sex toy as it turns out, but rather a Magneto character beverage thermos from my kid's X-Men lunch box. Sorry honey! The Fist & The Furious Quite the unique movie tie in product! Supposedly sculpted from Vin Diesel's fist, this enticing item will have you spread wider than the plot holes in the movies! Deluxe Swingers' Delight Sex Swing Honestly, gives me motion sickness when used for it's designed purpose. Great place for a quick, out of the way nap though!
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Dear Neatfreak, Since you decided to go from a Felix Unger to Oscar Madison last year and be a slob, I've been meaning to give you a piece of my mind. So you are no longer tidying up? You say your three tots are turning your house upside down, emptying cereal boxes and filling diapers up to and fro? Well, tough cookies. Serves you right for making us throw things out and fight over what to do with our tchotchkes. Thanks to you telling us that we had too many throw-pillows in our life. While you were making $ millions, writing five or six books on straightening up - I stopped counting so I'm not sure - we were decluttering. Your popular TV show which taught couples how to be happy, started many an argument on our home. I know you advocate downsizing as the path to joy. Then you will be happy to know, I am currently living above my friend Mark's garage, sleeping on an inflatable mattress. Please note there is no clutter on the nightstand. There is no nightstand. I am feeling the freedom you spoke of, unencumbered by the things that can complicate life, like books or having an adult size refrigerator or socks. (You stated that "you must first discard those that have outlived their purpose. And if you no longer need them, then that is neither wasteful nor shameful." This quote was in your bestseller, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and used in my divorce papers.) So now we find ourselves on the same path to joy. You live in a mess, and certainly my life is a mess. I look forward to your next book, as you hang up your professional tidier's hat and find a new way of telling happy couples how they should conduct their lives. Let me spitball a couple of titles with you: Changing My Mind: I Was Completely Wrong or how about, Still Spewing a Load of Crap: Let's Keep This Thing Going. Hey, I might write my own book after seeing how well you have done for yourself. The working title for my book is, The Art of Turning Your Life Into Shambles Over a Few Throw Pillows: Where's Mine. Yours in filth, Bob Eckstein Make sure to get Bob's new book!
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As the Arizona Fake Electors indictment has been unsealed, the obvious next step is to identify which Cryptids, mythological or genetically modified beings that have never been scientifically confirmed, were present at the January 6 Insurrection. This comprehensive list compiled over two years of extensive research including Department of Justice documents, Capitol Police footage, and a grainy forty-five minute long YouTube video offers the conclusive explanations of where a select group of Cryptids of significance were on January 6, 2021 during the Capitol Insurrection. Bigfoot - NO By far the most famous Cryptid, Bigfoot was not present. The elusive creature was at his home in northeast Oregon watching coverage on CNN powered by his solar panels and water turbine. The staunch environmentalist has declared his support for Joe Biden in the upcoming election claiming Trump's push for "oil, sweet oil" as a motive. This tracks with his record as in the 2020 Democratic Primary, he canvassed in Iowa for Washington Governor Jay Inslee. Jersey Devil - YES The Pine Barren native was identified in a great number of video evidence, first hand accounts attributed the Jersey Devil to being inside the Capitol, and DNA evidence found inside the desk of Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi. Footage recovered from a deleted Facebook post found the Jersey Devil stealing the congressional leader's laptop and scribbling satanic verses on the carpet. Thunderbird - NO The Arizona nomad was not present due to a serious bout of COVID that landed the grand creature in a Phoenix hospital. However, social media posts before and after January 6 show Thunderbird as a great supporter of the former President and would have gone if able. Thunderbird announced its support via Truth Social for Kari Lake in the 2024 Arizona Senate election. Capelobo - YES The Brazilian Cryptid did in fact journey north to the Capitol on January 6th. However, it was soon discovered that the Capelobo was not in fact participating but there as an agent for the Brazilian government to extradite former Representative Geroge Santos to Brazil for alleged crimes. The Capelobo was unsuccessful due to the unexpected large crowd and Santos changing wigs and Birkin bags to remain in the United States. Mothman - NO Mothman was not present and took to social media to denounce the actions as they were ongoing. The queer icon of West Virginia went on to target West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin for not releasing a stronger statement and for further actions inhibiting the Biden administration. Mothman is currently making rounds in political circles eyeing the soon departing Manchin's Senate seat. Loveland Frog - YES The Loveland Frog was present and participating as it is from Ohio. Nessie of Loch Ness - NO Nessie was not present in the United States at the time because they were fighting against Brexit and for Scottish Independence. Loch Ness is anti-facist and has been since the time of James I. They called the insurrection, "a purely American matter as my focus remains committed to a free Scotland that is connected through diplomatic means to a wider Europe." Dover Demon - YES The Dover Demon attended the rally under the impression that it was a Phish concert but quickly absconded once the true intent was revealed. He was seen later that day in Georgetown before catching the late afternoon Acela back to Boston. Chupacabra - NO The Puerto Rican liberator was in San Juan marching against the territory's government for a continued lack of action to the series of Hurricanes that hit the island, the abysmal response to the COVID pandemic, the weakening power grid that has made daily life difficult. In response to an interview request, the Chupacabra sent back this message: "Abajo los imperialistas, luchamos por un Puerto Rico independiente y desencadenado." (ENGLISH TRANSLATION: "Down with the imperialists, we strive for an independent and unchained Puerto Rico.") Champ - YES It was recently discovere...
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I get that you're on vacation at a destination AirBnB that includes a personal chef, for which you dropped some serious coin, nearly as much as I still owe for those two post-high-school years I was "finding myself" as a philosophy major. But I am a top-notch professional chef and you have opposable thumbs, so, like I've told everyone before you, you can go fucking microwave your own damn Hot Pockets. My ingredient selection is exquisite. My technique is flawless. And my signature dish? One customer texted me years later that she still channels her memory of the multi-sensory experience of my barramundi-and-pheasant stuffed pastry every time her billionaire eighty-six-year-old husband begs her to orgasm. This refusal to microwave your damn Hot Pockets has nothing to do with the fact that I understand that part of my gig means providing execrable comfort food to horde after cretinous horde of gold-plated, silver-spooned, lead-palated philistines like you. You want pizza? Fine. I can make any style, even top it with my own spin on that abominable ranch dressing shit you eat, and bake it in my brick oven outside that runs hotter than your wet dreams of Russian porn stars. Kids craving chicken nuggets? I'll slaughter and pluck the bird, grind the meat and shape it, and fry it up so good that your brats will just shake and bow their heads for the rest of their pampered nepo-baby lives every time they get driven by a set of Mickey Fuckin' D's golden arches. Hell, even taquitos, I'll make the tortillas myself, fill them with world-class ingredients, and roll that shit up so skillfully that when you wrap your lips around one of those suckers, it feels better than smoking, depending upon your preferences, a two-inch-thick 40-year-old primo Cuban stogie, an enormous joint of world-class cured Jamaican ganja, or a tumescent Leo DiCaprio's undersized fuckstick. Look, I do understand this hankering. Everyone loves Hot Pockets. There have even been times when I've gotten home and downed one or three myself after a long shift catering to over-privileged, under-appreciative, and precisely perfectly unbearable shit-asses exactly like you. And I grant that getting Hot Pockets just right, uniformly warm with the inside melted but the outside still crisp, that ain't easy - I know as a chef I shouldn't admit this, but sometimes, just the thought of the slight resistance my teeth feel before piercing the skin of a Hot Pocket, then the sensuality of the ham cubes' weight on my tongue as the luscious cheddar gently caresses it, gets me more turned on than Lauren Baubert in a crowded movie theater. But I am not your errand-monkey-slash-Man fucking-Friday, who on cue will throw any shit in the microwave like it's tossing a six-week-old turtle carcass in your neighbor's trashcan (not that I've ever done that). If that's your thing, next time rent an AirBnB that includes a personal servant, tip him a couple hundos, and he'll microwave your damn Hot Pockets as if his shot at getting a visa to escape his shitty job on this godforsaken Caribbean speck depended on it. Better yet, slip him a few thou, and he'd probably be willing to keep your Hot Pockets body-temp warm 24/7 by cutting them in half, stuffing them in zip-lock bags, swallowing them, and then, whenever you're hungry, shitting them out on command drug-mule style. Hey, whatever floats your boat, or, in your case, whatever floats that glass-bottomed vessel you've rented for an hourly rate more than my quarterly fucking apartment lease so you can gaze down at bigger versions of the same damn fishes you could see in the office aquarium of your bucktoothed kids' two-grand-an-appointment orthodontist. So, ask me to chef up whatever the fuck you can imagine - animal, vegetable, even fucking mineral. Name any three ingredients and I'll cook that shit so good you'll need a cigarette afterwards. But if you want your damn Hot Pockets, you can go ahead and nuke them your own damn self.
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Due to recent campus events and world climate, Stanwyck College Alumni Weekend will look slightly different this year. But have no fear; we plan on having a robust schedule of events that will allow you to connect and reminisce with your old classmates. FRIDAY, JUNE 2 2 p.m. Campus Tours (Leaves from Stanwyck Statue) This will include a guided tour of our current protest encampments by current (and past) students and, according to some media outlets, professional organizers. We encourage you to stop and share your Stanwyck College experiences and how you DIDN'T protest, occupy administrative buildings, or purposely keep the college in a negative news cycle. 6 p.m. Helicopter Rides (Seaport Heliport - Ground Level Lounge) Take a moonlight helicopter ride… to Washington, D.C! This is an excellent opportunity to see our campus from above and speak to a congressional panel on behalf of the college. It is also a terrific networking opportunity to hobnob with the political elite and defend the college against all allegations of encouraging and using a weaponized police force to disperse a student's peaceful political demonstration. You could even deny that the college is both Anti-Semitic and Anti-Muslim. Talking points and light snacks are provided! 9 p.m. Sleep In The Unoccupied Dorms Relive your dorm days by bunking up with your old college roommate or someone you just met! We ask that you turn lights on in various rooms, play music, and maybe even throw a kegger! Just make it look like students are back in the dorms, drawing attention away from the student occupation in Jefferson Quad. SATURDAY, JUNE 3 8 a.m. Continental Breakfast (Campus Center) Share a delicious breakfast of various muffins, coffee, and teas. Meet up with current student's parents. Feel free to tell the parents that the college is doing its best to ensure their children get the best education possible, and there is no reason to ask for a refund, demand a refund, or threaten to sue because classes were canceled for more than half the semester! 9 a.m. Walking Tour of Campus (Leaves from Clock Tower) If you missed Friday's walking tour, here is your opportunity to see what changes we have made to the campus and our future vision. Also, if you could PLEASE ask the protesters to leave and clean up the encampment, that would be a huge solid. Upon request, we can provide you with riot gear and tear gas. 11 a.m. Welcome Address from Our New Chancellor (Campus Center) …And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward. Our students must have a voice! And that is where our alumni come in! We are cool with whatever you decide, just as long as you say it was all your idea! Noon Lunch (Central Building - Davenport Tech Lab) Box lunches are available, and vegetarian options will be provided. It is "Grab 'N Go," as in "Grab your food and go quickly" through the growing protest tents and tarps. Settle in and relax in the nearby bushes to eat lunch. The administration has been doing this all semester. 3 p.m. Paintball Tournament (Campus Center, Game Room) Come alone or sign up as a team. This is one of the last opportunities for fun and connecting with other alumni. The paintball game will spill out into the student protest encampment, and we hope this gives you a nonviolent (but effective) way of clearing out the protestors. The winning team that paintballs the most tents gets a free Stanwyck Athletic t-shirt. And, of course, BRAGGING RIGHTS! 4:30 p.m. Decide Whether Graduation Is Canceled (Campus Center, Atrium) We will break into breakout groups to decide whether to hold graduation or secretly mail out diplomas. It should be fun to kick back, relax, and find legitimate reasons not to have ...
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Washburn County Public School District Town Hall Meeting with Superintendent Rogers: Tuesday 6pm All right! Hey, look at this, you were all able to locate the meeting, even though we changed the date several times and really buried the livestream link. Great! Impossibly great. Let's get started. Thank you teachers, students, parents, bus drivers, members of the press, infrastructural hobbyists, internet voyeurs, casual enthusiasts of lighthearted catastrophes, and the mercilessly vocal national and international public for attending this hybrid online and in-person Washburn County Public School meeting. Here we… all… are. Great. As Superintendent, preparer of the county educational budget, let me reiterate that I take all of your concerns regarding the bus issue of the past year to heart, be they via email, phone, fax, sideways glances, word of mouth, and one 96 count Crayola Crayon box thrown through my lake house window. Looks like "Bittersweet" isn't just a color anymore! It is a color though. As we wind down this academic year, we reflect how we've overcome - maybe how we've thrived - since our opening day in August and "The Incident." In case you don't recall, The Incident, simply put, was the failing of the newly implemented Washburn County Public School Bus pickups and drop offs on the first day of school, August 9th. Unfortunately, the bus routes were insufficiently planned. Some children were forced to run across interstates to new bus stops, nearly exposing them to the fates of turtles on a pond road. Some children left and returned to their homes in the morning and evening twilight hours. One student was deposited at home so late she encountered the Henderson Road Ghost, who of course has walked the stretch past Breakers Creek for two hundred years since her fiancée got cold feet and pushed her out of a carriage on their wedding night. Anyway, the new bus routes were so catastrophic that I made the decision to cancel all school for two weeks as we returned to the old bus route system, leading many students to lose their enthusiasm for enforced learning. In the wake of The Incident, the Board made the decision to hire the Bigger Picture Investigative Services company to perform an audit on the "human failings" and "automation bias" that led to The Incident. I was happy to oblige, as I am wracked with guilt. I am so deeply sorry that you all feel bad about what happened, and so deeplier sorry that I wrote things in emails that should have been phone calls. It is also with profoundly humble humility that I now announce the release of Bigger Picture's 658 page audit of The Incident, its leadup and aftermath. I will just share the highlights now with you, except with those of you clearly leaving to order takeout and read the whole thing at home like it's the eighth Harry Potter book: Harry Effs the Bus Routes. Okay, highlights… 1) Superintendent Rogers Attends National Superintendent's Conference in Reno, Nevada and is approached by MAXIBUS ROUTE TECH. In retrospect, it's possible I could have deduced that the Maxibus team was not qualified for the task at hand, and was in fact a weekend startup run by a three high school students trying to sell a Unicorn and retire by drinking age. I could have done more investigation, requested references, or asked who the President was the year Brad, the CEO, was born. I could have called the phone number on the web site which I now understand belongs to the Butternut Basin Ski Lodge Gift Shop. But we were in a time crunch! We needed tech solutions for a human shortage problem. Then Brad explained their automation routes intricately on a cocktail napkin at the Silver Dollar Lounge. I took their word, being an earnest person, and offered them a non-compete contract and a canvas sack of education department cash. 2) Superintendent Rogers expresses an automation bias in hotel room internet search: "Robot Help For Humans for Drive Bus." Look you jackals, robots do lots of things for us...
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"The question, directed towards women, seems simple: Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a bear? A good number of women prefer the bear." ~CNN "Bumble to Users: You Need Sex. Users to Bumble: Get Lost." ~The New York Times Unless you've been living in a hole in the ground, you've probably already heard of me. I'm the Bear that a majority of women say they would rather encounter in the woods than a human man. (Unrelated: I actually do live in a hole in the ground.) I've recently been approached by the dating app company Bumble. They're having some problems with women-similar problems that human men seem to have with women. Neither Bumble nor human men can figure out what women want. They were both hoping it would be straight-up sex, but the women are not responding positively to that pressure from either party. Out of desperation to save its flailing "feminist" dating app, Bumble just offered me a position as their next CEO. First, I said, "What's a CEO?" Then, I said, "I'm a bear." Next, I said, "I live in a hole in the ground," because I was afraid they might want me to move to New York. Then I said, "Wait, is your logo a beehive full of delicious honey?" The Bumble people told me to focus and asked me what I think women want. They said, "All the women keep picking you over human men, so you must know." I told them I don't believe there's one simple answer to what all women want because women are whole and unique human beings who have a variety of goals and desires and preferences. I did have some ideas, though, about what women might NOT want, and I was willing to share my bear perspective on that in case it could help human men reconsider some of their habits that might be working against them in the dating market. For example, as a bear: I don't ride a motorcycle. I don't speak in weird cliches about partners in crime or fluency in sarcasm. I don't lie about my height. When I catch a fish, I just eat the fish. I don't need to get all performative about it and take selfies with the fish and whatnot. I own my den and have no need for money, so I never ask women for money or a place to crash. As a hibernating animal, I respect the importance of good sleep, so I don't text women late at night and say, "You up?" I never try to mate with juvenile bears. That's disgusting. I also mentioned that when women want to be left alone, I just leave them alone. The Bumble people eyed me suspiciously and said, "What's your game, Bear?" I said, "There is no game. I don't think women want to play games. I think women just want to be treated like other bears and sometimes left alone when they say so." The Bumble people looked at me strangely and cocked their heads back and forth the way I've seen confused wolves do, and I thought I was getting through to them, but then all of a sudden they screamed, "WAIT!!! We've got it!!! We know what women want: THEY WANT TO DATE AI BOTS!" and then they just left. So I guess I'm not going to be the CEO of Bumble after all, which is fine. To be honest, I was relieved when they left. After meeting with the Bumble people I totally get why women keep picking me.
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To all the friends and family gathered here today, to all of the amazing professors, and most importantly, to my peers: My heart is full today as I look out and see hundreds of familiar usernames. I'm honored to have the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with you all. College is a unique experience. Uniquely formative, uniquely exciting, uniquely challenging, and let's admit it, uniquely sleep-depriving. I'm joking of course. But to be standing here before you today as a college graduate has made every midnight deadline and 8 a.m. lecture worth it. I am excited for us to leave this Zoom meeting with our heads held high, knowing that we are the next generation of thinkers and doers. I'm also super excited to tell you about a service that has changed my life, Hello Fresh. Whether I had a big exam coming up, was swamped with extracurricular activities, or just wanted a healthy and delicious meal, Hello Fresh kept my fridge stocked with tasty, ready-made meal kits - allowing me to spend less time in the kitchen and more time in the library. Try Hello Fresh today! Now, I want to start my address by highlighting the achievement of a student who I think embodies the passion and creativity that defines us as University of Phoenix students. Carlos Freitas is a first-generation college student from Mexico City, Mexico. He studies Computational Biology and Visual Arts, combining his passion for research with his passion for painting. Carlos's experience exemplifies the flexible and unique approach University of Phoenix students take to higher education. Because of people like Carlos, I learned the importance of tailoring my education to my interests. Carlos didn't have to choose between science and the arts, and with Manscaped, you don't have to choose between cost and convenience. Manscaped's new Lawn Mower 4.0 is an affordable solution for all of your male grooming needs. Plus, it's portable, waterproof, and has a battery life of up to 6 hours! Carlos didn't have to settle, so why should you? Manscaped's Lawn Mower 4.0 - get yours today. As I think back to all the classes, all the exams, and yes, all the parties - sorry, Mom, plug your ears for this part - I know this year's graduating class is uniquely prepared to go out and tackle the world ahead of us. As I reflect on my time here at the University of Phoenix, I think about the educators whose words will stick with me long after I've left this cyber-learning space. For those of you who also took Econ 101 with Professor Tomlinson, it's like he always said… "ZipRecruiter is the #1 rated job site in the US. Unlike traditional online employment sites, ZipRecruiter curates opportunities for job-seekers and matches businesses to prospective employees. If you're looking for a job, make ZipRecruiter your first stop on the way to employment." In closing, as you go forth from these breakout rooms, I want you to always remember this place and these people. We all came to the University of Phoenix for different reasons, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say that none of us knew just how life-changing this experience would be. Today you leave the University of Phoenix, but the University of Phoenix will never leave you. Congratulations to the class of 2024! But before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you about a college that's changing thousands of people's lives across the country and beyond: Grand Canyon University. GCU provides flexible, well-rounded educational programs tailored to every student's individual needs, whether you're looking to earn your bachelor's, master's, or doctoral degree. Over 90,000 students matriculate yearly, and most GCU graduates report feeling satisfied in their careers after graduation. GCU - making a world-class education accessible and affordable.
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Hey lovers! So much has changed in the field of human romantic relationships since I last wrote. Yes, it's only been a week, but we've got lots of new ground to cover. It's hard to imagine that relationship experts in the biblical era thought when butt-play was discovered in the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah that we'd crossed the final threshold. Boy, were they wrong. Let's dive into the latest. Key trends to know: #1 - Clowning Believed to have emerged from a disbanded circus troupe residing in the Phoenix metropolitan area, clowning refers to a practice of having sex in full clown costume. That's right, folks! Wigs, makeup, too-large shoes, the full regalia, with, of course, some strategic holes cut into the striped bodysuit. I spoke to my colleague in the field, Dr. Sheila Garrond, a researcher in the study of character sex, about what makes this practice diverge from other costumed groups. First, she seemed hesitant to answer. "I told you I'm an anthropologist," Dr. Garrond said, but I pressed for more details. "Can you stop asking me these weird clown sex questions?" she added. Asked if it might be fair to say that clowning represents a new form of expression and the broad spectrum of creativity she said, "Huh. Lose this number." That left me to investigate this long-misunderstood community on my own. Turns out many famous clowns throughout the ages have been wrongly maligned. Pennywise was not an evil gutter monster, merely a man hiding his clowning practice from a conservative wife. Bozo the clown could not be reached for comment before publication. John Wayne Gacy, well, we don't have to get into that one. #2 - Soft-clowning One of the most beautiful aspects of the clowning community is its open-minded approach to different degrees of expression. Soft-clowning refers to clowns who skip the complete outfit in favor of simpler get-ups: only a sponge nose, say, or partial clown makeup, to prevent mess. When I found a clown on the streets of Winnetka, I knew I had to ask him about this. "Sometimes, I do forget to take my socks off," Giggles said, asking to be referred to by his middle name. I told him that was a really courageous choice, and thanked him for being so brave and sharing about his sexuality. Then he said, "what's this?" a pulled a really long chain of tied-together G-strings' out of my ear. Human expression never ceases to amaze. #3 - Solo non-clown play With the rise of the clowning community, more and more individuals are choosing to describe themselves in relation to it. Naturally, some individuals find the term "masturbation," outdated and old-fashioned, and prefer to use "solo non-clown play" instead. "To me, it's not the same thing," said RonaldaMcDonalda69, a popular digital content creator on OnlyFans. "I often hardcore-clown, so even when I'm not clowning, I'm still a clown." Does our society do enough to support clowns? "No," Ronalda said. "Clown cars and circus tents, these gathering places serve an important role in our community: hosting orgies. And unfortunately they are threatened by anti-circus legislation, shifting tastes and gentrification." When it comes to love and relationships, who doesn't sometimes feel like a clown? Thanks to everyone in this colorful community who bravely shared their sex-themed gimmicks with me in the course of my research, like the lube-squirting flowers many clowns wear conveniently on their lapels. That's all for this week. Remember to practice safe clowning, and thank you for mailing me all these beautiful balloon animals made out of condoms. XOXO The Relationship Expert
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April 24, 1964: New Jersey Garage Band Installs Remote-Controlled Door, Goes Electric Bob Dylan ditching the acoustic guitar at Newport was an attention grabber, sure, but few people know that it was predated by a New Jersey garage band going electric with a controversial choice of their own: installing a remote-controlled door. The door's pivotal role in the Morristown group's set that spring evening - opening at the beginning and closing at the end - led to a rift in the Miller Street Ext. music scene. While some praised the installation as "an exciting leap forward," others were unenthused, deriding it as "offensive to the garage band ethos." Some even hurled boos and other invectives at the 140-volt motor, though roughly half of those came from jealous neighborhood dads. Undiscouraged, the trio played almost daily for three more years, punctuated only by a two-week hiatus in '67 after the lead guitarist's sister shifted into drive instead of reverse and dented the lower panel. The house, which was later sold, still stands. In lieu of a plaque at the address - the current homeowner rudely shooed this writer off his property despite a thorough explanation of its importance - the band's boldness warrants a 2,000-word feature in Rolling Stone. If not there, then Better Homes and Gardens. May 13, 1959: Boundary-Pushing Rocker Holds Acoustic Guitar A Bit Too Close to Campfire Before Jimi Hendrix set his Stratocaster ablaze in Monterey, a checkered shirt-wearing camp counselor in the Pennsylvania woods did the equivalent within the prim confines of the late '50s rock 'n' roll scene: holding his acoustic guitar abnormally close to a crackling campfire. Inspired by a block of cheddar cheese in his fridge, 19-year-old James Finch played a three-chord song called "Mild Thing." The dozen 4th graders who had gathered 'round the campfire looked on wide-eyed as he inched the headstock closer and closer to the flames until he affixed a marshmallow to where the tip of the G string stuck out above its tuning peg. It was a stroke of genius. By song's end, the mass of sugar was golden, the Fender was toasty, and the notion of what a live performance could entail had been expanded that much further. Finch, now approaching 84, is not bitter about how his contribution to popular music's mid-century escapades has been unjustly ignored by the powers that be. "The applause and laughter that night was enough, sir, really," he says, so humble after all these years. Still, what happened under that full moon was a watershed moment, even if his handwritten lyrics haven't fetched an eBay bid above this writer's offer of $400. June 1, 1980: Babbling Toddler Bites Head Off Batman Action Figure During "Happy Birthday" Concertgoers in Des Moines may have been caught off guard when Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off a live bat in the winter of '82, but unbeknownst to them, a babbling three-year-old with an antsy jaw made just as shocking a move two years prior in sunny San Diego: biting the head off his beloved Batman toy during his birthday party. Plopped in his high-chair with a hefty cake before him, Joey waved the plastic figure above the candles as family and friends began to sing. But after the penultimate line, Batman's head went "pop," and mom, dad, and even Spot darted their eyes toward the head of the table, eyebrows raised. Fortunately, it was grandma Doris who nimbly extracted the slimy item before it went anywhere it shouldn't. The flames, the decapitation, the prolonged unease of an unresolved "Happy Birthday" - it was all quite dramatic. Yet the memory of the near-choking incident has largely been confined to a dusty photo album, its significance dwarfed by Osbourne's rabies scare. Too many years have come and gone without Joseph Mariotta Jr.'s dentists knowing they had the honor of scraping plaque off the teeth of an icon. Too many of this writer's letters to his current hygienist have been met with either callous silence or a visit from the co...
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A Moveable Girl Dinner Forget the austere glamor of Hemingway's art and alcohol-fueled 1920's Paris - the 2020s have moved the (art?) enclave online, replacing weeks-long European travels and trysts with 20-year-old "girls" nibbling cheese, crackers, and a lone piece of deli meat ham rolled into the tiniest taquito. Alice's Activism in Wonderland Upon witnessing the Red Queen's abuse of capital punishment, Alice's disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, "colorblind" head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar's level with some solid smoke. The Grating Gatsby This Gatsby is blander than your aunt's mash potatoes after she decides to cut her sodium intake. Instead of parties visible from other coastlines, he throws 4-person kickbacks, posts out-of-focus TikToks about the "insane livestream going down at #casadeGatsby," and "accidentally" tags his neighbor's wife in all of them - even though she never makes an appearance. The Scarlet Unsubscribe After receiving a giant letter "C" tattooed on her chest for "serving c*nt," not snitching, and cheating on her husband with a hot priest*, Hester is canceled by her community and shadow blocked across platforms. But instead of staying "Canceled," Hester decides to rebrand herself as a sex-positive influencer who stands on business. Use code "Chilling" for 20% off at Bellesa, *Not the one from Fleabag. Weathering Inflation Heights A tempestuous, capricious inflation rate climbs higher and higher, crueler and crueler, as one weary, ambivalent mixed-class household bends to its predictably unpredictable temperament, hoping for a government-ordered rate halt that never comes. Even after they're dead and buried, inflation will burrow into the graves to continue f*cking them. Our Mutual Friend-With-Benefits When word gets around about John's rich talent for…..y'know….he quickly becomes a coveted addition to everyone's polycule. Whether they're an all-female arts collective illegally living in a two-bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town, a co-ed group of Trader Joe's employees that frequents the same Russian bath house in the city center, or three IT guys all named Dave, everyone from every sort of socio-economic background has come to call John their best friend. The Mortgage Rate Also Rises Other than the rising climate-change-affected sea-levels, increasing number of school shootings bolstered by inadequate gun control measures, and surge in TikTok-face, Jake realizes in dawning horror that even if he learns to scuba dive, survives high school, and avoids lip filler sepsis, he'll never be able to afford a home worthy of Lady Brett Ashley's sober-curious soirees. The Siblings Karamazov The children of a cheugy, affluent late-stage Millennial attempt to convince their ill-dressed, ill-tempered, and culturally-ill parent to acknowledge their pronouns, the legacy of The Wendy Williams Show, and the results of the 2020 election. All Quiet on the Post-College Employment Front Recent graduates suffer from shellshock as no companies seem to be hiring. Of the companies that are accepting applications, role descriptions list a minimum requirement of 2-years experience - even for "entry-level" positions. Deep in the job-search trenches, aspiring recruits race to upskill as yet another social media platform blows up in the hands of an incompetent general. Annananana Karenenininina After watching her Millennial brother blow up his own marriage in a mid-life-for-the-time crisis, Annananana Karenenininina - readers may opt to just call her Anna Kendrick - decides to do the same since she's 28, close to death, and her cheek fillers have nearly completed their migration. Upon engaging in non-consensual non-monogamy, Anna Kendrick is canceled by her whole social ci...
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"My anxiety service iguana ate my homework." "I couldn't get past the group of protesters in front of the school." "My homeroom teacher is still angry that I didn't call her the day after our night together." "My bullet proof vest was still in the wash." "Militia meeting ran late." "Parents arrested for storming government building." "I was pushed out of a window by Vladimir Putin." "Parents wouldn't allow me to leave the house while the Four Horsemen were hovering in the sky over America." "Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies." "Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library." "Poisonous paint fumes from golden Trump shoes put me and my family in the hospital for several weeks."
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Life is a high school prom and no one asked you to be their date. Life is a dream and you showed up to work wearing no pants. Life is an orgy and we're all getting screwed. Life is an ice skating rink and you wore flip-flops. Life is an orgy and everyone is getting screwed except for me. Life is an orgy and I'm standing awkwardly in the corner at the orgy snack table watching everyone else get screwed. Life is an orgy with terrible snacks. Life is an orgy and I wasn't really invited, but showed up anyway. Life is an orgy and my hot friend Hannah was actually invited by these two dudes at the bar, but she didn't want me to feel left out, even though they were clearly only inviting her. So I gaslighted myself into believing it would be a good experience, and anyways my therapist has been telling me to get out of my comfort zone. Life is an orgy and when he said "get out of my comfort zone," I think my therapist was thinking more along the lines of Paint 'N Pour. Or maybe a bowling league. Life is an orgy and the couple in front of me just asked me to be their third, but it turns out they were actually asking the girl standing behind me. Life is an orgy and I want to leave. Life is an orgy and would it be rude to just sneak out the back door? That was not an orgy pun. It was a cry for help. Life is an orgy and I'm kind of stuck here until Hannah is finished because she is my ride home. Life is like a river, with constant ebbs and flows and weird fish shaped like penises. Life is an orgy and I'm trying really hard to think of nice imagery of rivers so I don't have a panic attack but all I can think of is weird dick fish with three eyes. Life is an orgy and I'm hyperventilating in the corner. Life is an orgy and that guy over there is getting fucked in the ass. Life is an orgy and I'm staying home next Tuesday.
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To: @Trump2024 Cc: @RudyColludy, @UberfuherMiller, @ThatMTG, @TwoShirtsBannon We're looking at the numbers on the "May the Fourth be with You" meme we shared on Twitter, er, I mean X, no, wait "Truth Social," and they are insane! People love seeing the President portrayed in a copyrighted fantasy setting! Trump with a red lightsaber! Lifetime ruler alert! We're working on a video follow-up: Picture the scene where Emperor Palpatine (now The Once-and-Only-President Trump) tells Luke (now Joe Biden) "It is of no concern. Soon the rebellion will be crushed." Or something like that. If that doesn't make people want to join the Trump Empire, then nothing will! So, with that in mind, we've been going through Wikipedia (not Wikileaks; LOL) to find more iconic and trademarked pop-culture characters we can infringe on. It's quite a list! We hope they'll be as big as our Trump-as-Thanos video from 2020 and our "Build the Wall"/GoT poster before that. Here's what we're pitching… Auric Goldfinger: this was a no brainer! Who loves gold more than President 45? Picture the scene where James Bond is tied to a table with a laser working its way up toward his groinal regions. Only, in the clip, we'll put Joe Biden's face on Bond. So when she says, "Do you expect me to talk?" and Goldfinger/Trump replies "No, I expect you to die!" Our supporters will go nuts. Many clinically. Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Style, wit, grace, intellect; who better displays these Trumpian characteristics than Dr. Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs"? We all agree that we should use the scene where Lecter silences all the lambs, i.e., the braying Democrats. Zombie from "Return of the Living Dead": We can have Zombie Trump trying to eat the brains of the Joe Biden, but he keeps saying "These Democrats have no brains!" (If he hasn't said it already, maybe work the phrase into his next rally) and "I'm still hungry!" (which we're very sure is on file somewhere). Jack Torrance: For context, this is Jack Nicholson in "The Shining." Just imagine having President-ish Trump come busting through the door saying "Here's MAGA!" while Hillary (or Joe Biden or Barrack or one of Trump's judges) screams in terror? That's Trumpism in a nutshell, baby! Lord Voldemort: What could be more dramatic and uplifting for the Republicans then the scene where Lord Donald finally strikes down his mortal enemy, Joe Potter, with the forbidden spell of "Avada Kedavra" which, we believe, is Latin for "Corrupt!" Godzilla: Hey, when you think about destroying a corrupt town like Washington D.C., what comes to mind quicker than Godzilla? Imagine Prez Trump's head over Godzilla's as he stomps through town screaming "MAGA" or "Sleepy Joe!" (depending on focus group feedback) and we can turn the fleeing populous into members of the Demon-cratic Party (pretty good, right? I just made that up now). I think we can use video from January 6th. There's a lot of footage there. Gollum: Okay, he's another gold-phile, but we can have the scene were Frodo is trying to throw the ring (say, the Constitution) into the flaming fires of Mount Doom and Gollum/Trump leaps out and rescues the ring, yelling: "My precious! My precious," which would totally be in character for Mr. Trump and his love of the Constitution. Get back to me on any of these ideas. Me and Lester are ready to put any one of them together! And wait until you see the amazing fake Time covers we're prepping! And we'll make sure we don't send out this text as a tweet again!
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Thank you for your interest in my babysitting while you travel for the next seven days. If this is going to work, we must set ourselves up for success by laying out conditions that I find acceptable. I can babysit a maximum of one child. The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let's say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things. I will babysit in your home if it's a mansion in an upscale neighborhood with fun things to do. How big is big enough to be a mansion? If you have to ask, it's not a mansion. If you don't own a mansion, I will accept a rented mansion as my workplace as long as it fulfills my other requirements. Your home must have a dog for me to play with. The dog must be fully trained and respond to whatever name I give her. I can change the name up to three times per day. A staff member hired and compensated by you is to be responsible for this dog's feeding and care; my entire relationship with the dog consists of play. I must have my own babysitter to protect me, and in case your kid needs anything. Your home must have the following amenities: WiFi, streaming services, Microsoft XBOX, Sega Master System, ColecoVision, board games, Crosley record player, Audio Technica record player, kitchen, gym, four friends (smart but not showoffy about it, good listeners, willing to babysit). You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep your child busy (supervised by others). You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep me busy, too. Activities for your kid only? No fair! You are to provide me with a grocery stipend, an Uber stipend or a private driver, and a personal chef who's on call 24 hours per day throughout my babysitting assignment. By the way, size alone does not make a mansion. I will not babysit in a big, crappy house. You must arrange for private plane transportation to pick up my lunches: sushi from Japan, pizza from Italy, fried chicken from Kentucky. Whatever happens this week, I get the movie rights. You are obligated to provide me with a fruit basket (organic fruit only,please. (The "please" there was a bit much; sorry. (I have nothing to apologize for, and you should be ashamed for not speaking up to tell me so.))) You shall provide the following benefits: Health insurance and on-site concierge doctor, 401(k) with 200,000-percent employer match, house-party insurance, and six days' paid vacation. Ideally, you'd bring your child with you on your trip.
- Se mer
