Episoder
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Welcome back to Unapologetic Parenting, the podcast where we say the quiet parts out loud about high-conflict co-parenting, blended families, and the family court systemâand then talk about what actually works.
In this episode, host Carl Knickerbocker dives into one of the most maddening (and, when you step back, genuinely hilarious) realities of dealing with high-conflict, narcissistic co-parents: if thereâs anything they can mess with, they will. Big things. Small things. Completely unnecessary things. All in the name of control, attention, and feeding a very fragile narrative.
Carl walks through a real-world example involving a routine pediatrician visit that somehow turns into an Olympic-level performance of martyrdom, victimhood, and chaosâcomplete with dramatic exits from work, preemptive copay payments, uploaded receipts, and instant outrage over reimbursement that hasnât even had time to process yet.
From there, the episode tackles the question so many parents ask: How do I make this stop?
Spoiler alertâyou usually canât. Courts donât issue orders telling people to stop being ridiculous, and logic rarely works on people who arenât operating in reality.Instead, Carl offers a different solution: change how you relate to the behavior. Stop letting it steal your peace. Stop feeding the narrative. Stop burning emotional energy trying to fix what has never shown any capacity to change. And, when appropriate, learn to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all.
This episode is about:
Why pushback often makes high-conflict behavior worseHow attention fuels the chaosLetting go of the need to âsolveâ disordered behaviorUsing humor as a form of emotional detachment and self-protectionPreserving your time, energy, and sanity for the people who actually matterIf youâre tired of being angry, frustrated, and exhausted over nonsense that doesnât truly matterâand want a healthier, lighter way to handle itâthis episode is for you.
Sometimes the most powerful response isnât a legal strategy or a perfectly worded message.
Sometimes itâs paying the $25, shaking your head, and saying: Well⊠that was objectively funny. -
Welcome back to Unapologetic Parenting, the podcast where we take an unfiltered look at high-conflict co-parenting, narcissistic dynamics, blended families, and the realities of family courtâwithout sugarcoating, and without pretending these problems resolve themselves.
In this episode, Carl Knickerbocker tackles a fascinating and often dangerous phenomenon that shows up again and again in high-conflict cases: the complete inability of highly narcissistic, disordered parents to recognize how badly they sound in their own evidence.
Carl breaks down a scenario many parentsâand attorneysâknow all too well. A client proudly presents a âsmoking gunâ recording, convinced it will expose the other parent as unhinged, coercive, or abusive. But when the recording is actually played, the reality is often the exact opposite: yelling, repeating, intoxication, and emotional volatility from the person presenting the evidenceâsometimes with children caught in the middleâwhile the other party remains calm, direct, and composed.
This episode explores:
Why narcissistic and Cluster B personalities lack meaningful self-reflectionHow projection turns their own behavior into âproofâ against someone elseWhy blind-testing recordings often reveals a very different story than the one being toldThe danger of believing your own narrative instead of listening objectivelyHow âsmoking gunâ evidence frequently becomes a self-inflicted wound in courtCarl also shares what happens when these recordings surface right before a hearing, why that timing is a major red flag, and how opposing counsel is often blindsided by evidence theyâve never actually listened to themselves. The result? Panic, last-minute damage control, and sudden interest in settlement.
If youâve ever been told âthe judge just needs to hear thisââor if youâre dealing with someone who truly cannot see themselvesâthis episode will help you understand whatâs really going on, how judges and attorneys hear these recordings, and why the loudest accusations often collapse under their own weight.
Because when youâre dealing with a truly high-conflict, narcissistic opponent, the so-called smoking gun aimed at you is often the very thing that exposes them instead.
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In this revealing episode of Unapologetic Parenting, host Carl Knickerbocker tackles the all-too-common struggle of trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex, and why it often feels utterly impossible. Co-parenting typically requires flexibility, shared goals, and mutual respect â qualities a narcissistic ex may refuse to engage with, prioritizing control and conflict instead. Carl delves into the traits that define narcissistic behavior in co-parenting situations, explaining how a narcissistic exâs need to âwinâ at all costs undermines any effort toward cooperation and creates a destructive cycle of counter-parenting.
This episode not only sheds light on the core challenges of this dynamic but also offers practical strategies for navigating it. Carl emphasizes how to protect your peace, minimize conflict, and focus on your childâs well-being, even when true co-parenting isnât possible. If youâre dealing with a high-conflict situation, this episode provides empathetic insight, encouragement, and guidance on finding stability and resilience in the face of difficult circumstances.
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We hear mixed messages about leaving relationships all the time. If only you were stronger, you would have left sooner. If only you were stronger, you would have stayed longer and tried harder. Weak people focus on themselves too much...and weak people don't focus on themselves and their needs enough.
Such messages are unhelpful and often get us nowhere except bogged down in shame and self-doubt.
The better path is to focus on what's ahead and to pour our energy into moving forward rather than trying to "if only" the past. What happened, happened, and that's done. Instead of picking apart the past and beating ourselves up in the process, we can be grateful for where we are now and look forward to what we want to create for ourselves next. -
Hypothesis: the heart of so many of the family courtâs judgment errors boils down to the emotional illiteracy of the lawyers, judges, therapists, and other paraprofessionals attached to the system.
The family court system is not trauma informed. The judges are not therapists and spend the least amount of time learning about the case out of all the players. The therapists attached to the system are often opportunists to make matters worse for their own gain. Facilitators and evaluators make their money off of conflict and refer to their therapist buddies. Lawyers profit off of conflict and more conflict.
The court system is often completely emotionally illiterate when it comes to anger. Anxiety, grief, ptsd, concern, passion, forwardness, and fear are misinterpreted as anger and used again the person feeling these legitimate emotions.
Meanwhile the actual abusive party is pretending to be innocent and cooperativeâŠwhile accusing the other party (often their past and/or present abuse victim) of having anger issues.
The result? Terrible judgments by the court that treat the abuser as the victim and the victim as the abuser.
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Court-ordered coparenting is pretty much doomed to fail when one of the parents is highly narcissistic. When the courts take a one-size-fits-all approach to coparenting expectations and standards, they end up creating a sure-to-fail situation where everyone involved loses. That is, everyone except those who directly profit from the increased conflict, legal expenses, and court-ordered therapy work that is generated by trying to force those who are incapable of collaborative parenting into an idealistic coparenting model.
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Narcissists seek attention, plain and simple. They thrive off of baiting others into conflict and needless interactions. The same generally goes for Borderlines and other various disordered exes.
When baiting is an issue (i.e. the narcissist acts out in one of their many attention-seeking ways), the best antidote is to remain deeply focused on your own vision of what you are working to create in your life. The narcissist seeks to divert your attention away from you own life so they can have your attention for themselves. Don't give it to them. -
Child exchanges can be uncomfortable and tense...been there! This episode discusses several potential remedies and rules of thumb for conducting child exchanges with a high-conflict or disordered coparent.
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We begin with the principle (the fact) that the narcissist's words and actions are caused by their disorder...not by you. Their words and actions are disordered, not personal.
From there, we focus our attention on the things we love and the things we are creating. We avoid mantras and affirmations that refer back to the narcissist because such affirmation work to produce more of the same. Instead, we direct ourselves to the things we love about ourselves, our kids, our home, our lives, and the things we are excited about creating. -
We do not teach out kids about narcissism, borderline, and other disorders because of their other parent. We teach them about high-conflict individuals and about the importance of standards and boundaries because those lessons are crucial to a good life. Whether the other parent is high-conflict or narcissistic or not, it is important to teach our kids about how to handle themselves in a real world that is populated by significant numbers of problematic people.
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When we deal with high-conflict and disordered coparents, it is vitally important to document certain things and collect data. In this episode, I discuss the importance of tracking data to establish patterns for the purpose of not only clarifying those patterns, but to be able to use those patterns as permission to forgive yourself and believe in your own sanity.
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We are generally well aware of what overt narcissists look like, but narcissism can manifest in different ways, including the covert or vulnerable narcissist. This episode touches on the traits of the covert narcissist, and then discusses what to do when it becomes clear that you are dealing with this type of narcissistic person.
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ou are not defined by your divorce experience. Your value as a parent is not determined by a custody schedule. What your ex says and does is not a reflection of your worth.
Shared custody does not make you a part time parent or less of a parent. Having a high-conflict ex does not indicate any lack of worth in yourself. Their behaviors often reflect their disorders and not anything personal about you.
Your divorce story is not the narrative of your life. At most, it is a few scenes in a chapter and nothing more.
These people and situations do not define who you are. You do. -
Can we get the court to see the Narcissistic coparent for who they truly are? Most likely not, especially since the Family Court System is 1) not equipped to handle mental health matters 2) is predominantly trauma-uninformed and 3) financially incentivized to not see such things clearly.
That said, there are still powerful strategies for protecting yourself if you end up back in the court system. -
Narcissistic coparents, as well as Borderlines and other similarly disordered individuals, have a nasty habit of making up lies, fictitious events, and false allegations. Those of us who have dealt with such people know that there is no end to what they will cook up and pretend to be real.
This episode focuses in on getting very clear on the facts, clear on your own character, and discusses the importance of being impeccable with your word. Once those spaces have been managed, anything that they narcissist can throw at you has been tended by your self-awareness and character. -
When The Kids Are Failing School At The Other House
Often times when we step in to bail the other parent out, we are enabling them to continue failing as parents. We think we are helping the kids, and perhaps they do benefit in the short-run in some way, but in the big picture we are usually playing into codependency dynamics.
This is a game that currently gets played out with the kids' schooling, especially when they are learning remotely. One household lets them fail and the other gets pulled in to bail them out. The home that lets them fail offloads all accountability onto the kids and onto you to rescue. When dealing with a narcissistic ex, they create a situation where you seem to have to choose between engaging the narcissist and letting the kids fail. It is one of the classic games they play.
We know that bailing the other parent out is part of the narcissistic game that keeps us feeding attention to the other parent. They fail and struggle to draw us in and to offload responsibility onto us. We rescue and compensate for their lack of engagement with the kids and get baited into needless contact with them.
But weâre not doing anyone any favors. Yes, of course we always have a responsibility to make sure the kids do well academically. Academic success is a core responsibility we always carry as parents. The way we can help our kids in this seemingly no-win situation is to introduce logical consequences when they don't show up for themselves to take initiative in their own education. In other words, we have to train them in the skill of showing up for themselves and performing self-sufficiently, which may require us to be the disciplinarian.
We take on this role because we do not want the kids to develop the habit of hiding behind the narcissistic parent's neglect that enables the kids to be lazy and undeveloped.
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If you haven't discovered it already, many people seem to have a near limitless capacity to make stuff up and lie, especially in the divorce and coparenting context. This episode digs into these behavioral patterns and discusses strategies to protect yourself for the crazy when it comes. And it will come.
We should never under-estimate an ex's capacity to completely fabricate conversations and events, especially when any Cluster B personality disorder traits are involved. Don't be caught off guard. So many times clients have thought their exes would never do such things, and then they find themselves defending against false accusations, forged documents, and spending tens of thousands of dollars to fend off craziness. -
It is difficult, if not impossible, to comprehend parents who literally do not show up for their kids...especially when that absentee or negligent parent is the other parent of your own child.
Many times the child neglect is part of an attention seeking game played out by a narcissistic parent. The game is designed to keep you enmeshed in contact and enabling.
This episode discusses those situations where the other parent sucks at being a parent, what often lurks behind such behaviors, and what we can do for ourselves and our children when this occurs. -
For those of us who have gone through the divorce process, we often figure out fairly quickly that there are more adversaries than just the ex. We are up against the ex as well as their divorce lawyer, who has a vested interest in stirring up as much conflict as possible. We often have our own divorce lawyer who is aligned with us on one hand but against us on another. Many people end up misused, exploited, and dropped by their own lawyers.
Then add to the mix the court system itself, possibly biased judges, therapists, ad litem attorneys, and you quickly find yourself fighting battles on multiple fronts. - Se mer
