Episodes
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SUMMARY - In today's episode, Eileen sits down with Mary McDirmid, a Special Needs Financial Planner and founding member of All Needs Planning, which specializes in simplifying the special needs planning process. Mary understands the emotional, financial, legal, and support aspects of caring for a loved one with disabilities, because she is the parent of a child with a rare disease. Her work is centered on bringing this understanding to other families who would benefit from this information as they plan for their child's future.
TAKEAWAYS:
Beginning the process of planning for your child's financial future as early as possible is ideal, but the key factor is having the capacity to take on some of the tasks and work it will require.Aligning the financial plans with school and educational transition plans is also ideal.Determining guardianship, supported decision making and power of attorney needs is an individual process, based on each family's situation and their child's needs.Different states have different requirements regarding social security eligibility; knowing your state's requirements is essential.It's important for parents to take inventory of all the support needs of their child before they apply for benefits so they can be clear about what level of support their child will need in adulthood.ABLE Accounts allow you to keep funds that come to your child while also staying under the $2000 limit required to keep governmental benefits.Supplemental Special Needs Trust is where a parent can save and invest additional funds for their child beyond the ABLE account.RESOURCES:
Mary McDirmid and All Needs Planning
ABLE Account Information
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SUMMARY - Many parents of neurodivergent tweens and teens describe a shift that feels difficult to explain: things were already challenging, but suddenly the stakes feel higher, the behaviors feel bigger, and the future feels much more uncertain. In this episode, I introduce what I call the Tween/Teen Expectation Gap—the widening gap between age-based expectations and a child's developmental trajectory—and explore why this period can feel so disorienting, grief-filled, and overwhelming for parents.
TAKEAWAYS:
The tween and teen years often bring a significant increase in societal, academic, social, and emotional expectations.Neurodivergent children continue to develop and mature, but often on a different timeline and trajectory than their peers.The Tween/Teen Expectation Gap emerges when age-based expectations begin to outpace a child's ability to consistently meet them.Differences that may have been easier to accommodate in childhood often become more visible and consequential during adolescence.Parents frequently experience increased fear, grief, dread, shame, and uncertainty during this stage.Intensifying behaviors are often a reflection of increased stress, overwhelm, and nervous system dysregulation.Viewing this period through a Brain First lens helps parents understand what is happening beneath the behavior and respond more effectively.RESOURCES:
Brain First Parenting™ Framework
Parent Coaching with Eileen Devine
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Missing episodes?
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SUMMARY - Why do the same power struggles keep happening over and over again between parents and children? In this episode, Eileen explores the “coercive cycle,” a pattern first identified by researcher Gerald Patterson and his colleagues after decades of observing parent-child interactions. Through a Brain First lens, she explains why these escalating moments are often rooted not in defiance, but in lagging skills, nervous system dysregulation, and patterns both parents and children can unintentionally get stuck inside.
TAKEAWAYS:
What the parent-child “coercive cycle” is and how it developsWhy escalation often reinforces the cycle for both parents and childrenHow traditional behavioral interpretations can keep families stuckThe role nervous system dysregulation and lagging skills play in conflictWhy “won’t” is often actually “can’t”How parent triggers, beliefs, exhaustion, and burnout can intensify interactionsQuestions to ask yourself before engaging with your childWhy using fewer words and disengaging early can help interrupt escalationHow a Brain First lens shifts the goal from control to regulation and connectionRESOURCES:
The Resilience Room Membership Community
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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen shares 8 essential mind shifts that help parents move from a behavioral lens to a Brain First lens when parenting children with brain-based differences and challenging behaviors. These shifts can help you better understand your child’s nervous system, reduce conflict, strengthen connection, and parent with more clarity, flexibility, and confidence.
TAKEAWAYS:
Why “My child would do better if they could” is one of the most transformative parenting shiftsHow challenging behaviors are often signs of distress, overwhelm, and lagging skillsWhy behavior-focused parenting approaches often miss the root causesHow adjusting expectations around development can reduce frustration for both you and your childThe importance of meeting cognitive rigidity with flexibility and empathyWhy the goal of parenting is not compliance, but connection, regulation, and skill-buildingHow to trust your own understanding of your child, even when others don’t understand your approachWhy caring for yourself is an essential part of supporting your child’s well-beingRESOURCES:
Free downloadable infographic: 8 Essential Mind Shifts for More Connected Parenting
Episode 19: Rethinking What It Means to Be Resilient
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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen reflects on a common theme that comes up again and again in sessions with parents: the belief that “I’m failing” or “I should be better at this by now.” When you’re parenting a child with intense, relentless behaviors, it’s easy for self-blame to take hold, but these thoughts often point to something deeper. This episode explores what may be underneath this narrative and how to shift toward more compassionate, supportive self-reflection.
TAKEAWAYS:
Feeling like you’re “failing” is a common experience for parents of children with brain-based differences and intense behaviorsThese thoughts are often signals of deeper emotion, not objective truthIrritability and reactivity can be protective layers masking fear, grief, and resentmentFear may show up as worries about your child’s future or long-term functioningGrief can stem from the gap between what you expected parenting to be and your lived realityResentment may be connected to the intensity of the demands and lack of adequate supportSelf-reflection is important, but it needs to be paired with self-compassion, not harsh criticismYour willingness to question yourself reflects how deeply you care, not that you are failingRESOURCES:
Brain First Parenting Podcast Episode 22: The Unique Grief Affecting Parents of Neurodivergent Kids
Brain First Parenting Podcast Episode 29: When You Feel Stretched Thin: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance
Blog post: Three Things Your Irritability Might Be Masking
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SUMMARY - In this episode, we explore relational cognitive skills, the brain-based abilities that shape how children navigate relationships, manage emotions, and respond to others. When these skills are still developing, behaviors can feel deeply personal and even hurtful. This episode offers a powerful reframe: your child’s behavior is not a reflection of their character, but a signal of lagging skills that can be supported and strengthened over time.
TAKEAWAYS:
Many of the most challenging behaviors are rooted in lagging relational cognitive skills, not defiance or disrespectSkills like flexibility, frustration tolerance, perspective-taking, and emotional regulation are brain-based and develop over timeWhen these skills are underdeveloped, behaviors can feel personal, hurtful, and scary for parentsSocial awareness and interpersonal skills impact a child’s ability to read cues, understand others, and build relationshipsCognitive rigidity can make it extremely difficult for kids to shift plans, handle “no,” or consider other perspectivesEmotional outbursts often reflect difficulty regulating, expressing, and responding to emotions, not intentional misbehaviorUnder stress, a child’s thinking brain can go offline, making these skills temporarily inaccessibleShifting from a “won’t” mindset to a “can’t yet” lens can transform how you respond to your childSkills can be supported and strengthened over time with the right understanding and approachRESOURCES:
Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 3: Help Your Rigid Thinking Child Become More Flexible
Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 8: Help Your Child Break the Perseveration Loop
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SUMMARY - Today's episode is Part 2 of a 2-part conversation with Guy Stephens, founder and executive director of the Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR), a national nonprofit dedicated to ending the use of punitive, exclusionary, and dangerous discipline in schools.
Takeaways:
AASR's work is guided by 5 principles: trauma-informed, neuroscience-aligned, neurodiversity-affirming, collaborative, and relationship-drivenImplementing these principles into the culture of an organization and the work of the individual professional is not a "one-and-done" event. It requires on-going commitment and work. When behavior is assessed using these five principles, it is then possible to see beyond the surface behavior, through a brain and nervous system informed lens.When the root cause of behavior is accurately identified, there are other, more compassionate and effective approaches that emerge in how to support the individual who is struggling behaviorally.RESOURCES:
Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR)YouTube: Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint=======================
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SUMMARY - Today's episode is Part 1 of a 2-part conversation with Guy Stephens, founder and executive director of the Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR), a national nonprofit dedicated to ending the use of punitive, exclusionary, and dangerous discipline in schools. Driven by his own son’s traumatic experiences, Guy advocates for trauma-informed, neuroscience-aligned, and neurodiversity-affirming approaches in child-serving systems. Listen in on the conversation with Eileen and Guy, as they discuss a topic that is important for parents and professionals alike.
TAKEAWAYS:
This work is personal for Guy and he shares how he came to his advocacy work to prevent seclusion and restraint in schools and other environments as the parent of a neurodivergent child who had multiple experiences of being secluded and restrained.Guy shares details about the mission of Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR), which is to inform changes in policy and practice to reduce and eliminate the use of punitive discipline and outdated behavioral management approaches and end the school-to-prison pipeline.Guy explains the AASR's 3 areas of focus: legislation and law policy; education; and support.RESOURCES:
Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR)YouTube: Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint=======================
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SUMMARY - In Part 2 of this series on supporting siblings, we shift from awareness to action. Building on the themes discussed in Part 1, this episode offers practical, brain-first strategies parents can use to support siblings who are impacted by challenging behaviors at home. From conversations about how brains work differently to creating safety plans and strengthening protective factors, this episode focuses on what you can do to help siblings feel safe, seen, and supported.
TAKEAWAYS:
Begin ongoing, age-appropriate conversations about how brains work differently to help siblings make sense of behavior without excusing harm.Clarify that “fair doesn’t mean equal". Fairness is about meeting each child’s unique brain and nervous system needs.Explain the "why" behind different rules, responses, or accommodations to create predictability and security.Build protective factors for siblings, including consistent one-on-one time with a regulated parent or other trusted adult.Create clear safety plans so siblings know exactly what to do during escalations and do not feel responsible for managing the situation.Provide open space for siblings to express the full range of their emotions without minimizing or shaming them.Avoid creating a culture of secrecy, meaning help siblings develop language and a plan for how to talk about their family experience with others.Prioritize your own resilience and nervous system care, as your regulation is one of the most powerful supports for everyone in the home.RESOURCES:
Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 19: Building Resilience in Moments a Day
Concrete, manageable ways to strengthen your own nervous system and resilience over time.
Blog Post on “Circling Back”
Explanation of the circling back process and why addressing behaviors outside of escalated moments supports learning and safety.
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You can also check out all the FREE resources Eileen offers for parents, and learn more about all things Brain First at her website: eileendevine.com
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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen explores the sibling experience in families where one child struggles with intense, challenging behaviors. Siblings are not passive observers. Their nervous systems are deeply impacted by the unpredictability, confusion, trauma, grief, and conflicting emotions that can arise in these dynamics. This conversation offers clarity around what siblings may be carrying, and sets the stage for Part 2, where we’ll discuss practical steps parents can take to support them.
TAKEAWAYS:
The sibling experience often mirrors the parents’ experience. The way we frame and respond to the struggling child shapes how siblings make sense of it all.Supporting siblings requires a “both/and” approach: we can hold empathy for the child with behavioral symptoms without dismissing the sibling’s pain or experience.Many siblings live with a pervasive sense of confusion, especially when behavior is not addressed in the moment or feels like a double standard.Many siblings carry intense, conflicting emotions: love, resentment, guilt, protectiveness, and grief.Some siblings cope by trying not to be a burden, becoming perfectionistic, overly independent, or parentified over time.Living with scary or unpredictable behaviors can be traumatic, and recovery depends on protective factors that parents can strengthen.Clarity is the first step toward meaningful support and Part 2 will focus on practical actions parents can take.RESOURCES:
Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 22: Parental Grief (Recommended to revisit through the lens of the sibling experience, as many of the same themes apply)
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You can also check out all the FREE resources Eileen offers for parents, and learn more about all things Brain First at her website: eileendevine.com
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SUMMARY - Many parenting struggles with neurodivergent kids don’t come down to behavior, they come from a clash between deeply held parental values and a child’s brain-based capacities. In this episode, Eileen explores what happens when beliefs about “good parenting” collide with asynchronous development, emotional regulation challenges, and inconsistent cognitive skills. You’ll learn why pushing harder often backfires and how shifting from a behavior lens to a Brain First lens allows your parental values to actually take root.
TAKEAWAYS:
Parenting frustration often lives at the intersection of adult values and a child’s neurobiology, not a lack of effort or care.Chronological age does not equal ability for kids with brain-based differences; uneven skill development changes what’s reasonable to expect.You don’t need to abandon your parental values, you need to adjust how you teach them so they align with your child’s cognitive skills.You cannot consequence a skill into existence; responsibility develops through repeated teaching, regulation, and scaffolding.Flexibility in rules and expectations is not permissive parenting, it’s responsive parenting that reduces power struggles and supports growth.RESOURCES:
Your Lens Matters – Free downloadable infographic
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You can also check out all the FREE resources Eileen offers for parents, and learn more about all things Brain First at her website: eileendevine.com
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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen sits down with Amy Lang, sexuality educator and expert, for a frank and open conversation about sex education for kids who are neurodivergent. Amy is the founder of Bird & Bees & Kids, and since 2006 has helped thousands of families have stronger, more open communication about sexuality and relationships.
TAKEAWAYS:
Talking to kids about sexuality is a health and safety issue; knowledge is empowering and reduces vulnerability.This is an essential on-going conversation to have with your kids, especially given the access kids have to misinformation from friends and online.Having conversations about sexuality and changing bodies early and often helps normalize very natural part of the human experience, especially given that these changes can be extremely distressing to neurodivergent kids.All parents come into parenthood with deeply held beliefs and values that play into their level of comfort with sexuality and talking about this with their kids. Reflecting on this as a parent will help with confidence in moving forward with these conversations.RESOURCES:
Birds & Bees & KidsSexuality and Safety with Tom and Ellie Book SeriesNever Have I Ever (TV series)=======================
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SUMMARY - In this episode of the Brain First Parenting podcast, Eileen explores the idea - which is grounded in research - that caregiver burnout can become contagious through shared nervous system dysregulation. Drawing on a recent keynote experience with those in professional and personal caregiver roles, she describes how caregiver burnout often builds gradually, frequently goes unrecognized, and how the right kind of support can act as a buffer from the stress.
TAKEAWAYS:
Caregiver burnout is not a personal failure. It is a nervous system response to prolonged stress and responsibility.Burnout can have a contagion effect, spreading socially, emotionally, and physiologically within families, communities, and care teams.Many caregivers are deeply burned out without realizing it, often experiencing anxiety, depression, irritability, and physical symptoms.Living with or caring for someone with a fragile nervous system can dysregulate the caregiver’s own nervous system over time.Connection and co-regulation are essential resilience-building tools that help heal and stabilize the nervous system.Support matters—but how and where you receive support matters just as much.Communities that focus only on how hard things are can increase burnout; healing support helps move caregivers toward relief, regulation, and hope.RESOURCES:
Resilience Room Membership Community is a supportive space for caregivers focused on nervous system healing, co-regulation, and resilience building. Join the waitlist so you can be notified when we open our doors for new Members!
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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen outlines in detail what attention and working memory skills are exactly, and seven signs that may indicate a child struggles with this cognitive skill set.
TAKEAWAYS:
Attention and working memory refers to the ability to selectively process information and then also retain this information in an accessible state.There are behaviors that reflect lagging attention and working memory skills and this episode provides seven common behaviors for parents and professionals to be aware of.Recognizing the signs and symptoms of lagging attention and working memory skills is essential in order to provide a child/teen with the accommodations they need to be successful.RESOURCES:
Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 5: Making Sense of Those Frustrating On and Off Days
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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen discussed a topic that is at the center of stress for many parents of kids with neurobehavioral conditions which is their extended family's inability to understand their child from a Brain First lens. Eileen offers some suggestions on ways to manage this specific, often tricky dynamic.
TAKEAWAYS:
It is a common experience amongst parents of kids with neurobehavioral conditions to experience feelings of judgement, shame, and being misunderstood when it comes to their extended family members' inability to see their child through a Brain First lens.Often times, family members are missing information that is needed in order to shift their lens.There are resources and strategies Eileen suggests in this episode to help bridge this gap (resources are also listed below).There are common internal beliefs that parents hold that prevent them from asking for the accommodations their child needs. Reflecting on what "stuck points" you experience when asking family members to accommodate your child is essential so you can confidently move forward with what your child needs.RESOURCES:
(Blog Post) Dear Family Member: A Letter I Hope You Read
(Free Downloadable Infographic) Your Lens Matters: Shifting to a Brain First Lens
Episode 6: Your Child is Not the Problem
Episode 22: The Unique Grief Affecting Parents of Neurodivergent Kids
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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen sits down to speak with Carrie Bonnett, Executive Function Coach, to talk about what exactly executive function skills are and how parents can identify, through their child's behavior, whether this is a skill set they struggle with and from there, how to support them in this area.
TAKEAWAYS:
Carrie defines executive function in a very relatable way, as the brain skills that help us "get important things done".Difficulty with executive function skills is a brain thing, not a character flaw, and we can see this lagging skills reflected through one's behaviors.Why parents play a integral role in helping their child find strategies that will help them manage the executive function load they carry each day and how this partnership with their child can play out in "every day life".Relationship between a parent and child is the foundational piece to a child being able to feel more open to help and strategies that will support their executive function skills. At times this means a parent temporarily setting aside or adjusting expectations so that they can, over time, be more open to support.RESOURCES:
Carrie Bonnett - Executive Function Coach (website)
Carrie's FREE Resource: Task Initiation Toolkit
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SUMMARY - This episode is part 2 of a two-part series on each person's unique window of tolerance. This episode focuses on the parent's window of tolerance, an essential concept for parents of kids with neurobehavioral conditions.
TAKEAWAYS:
It is essential for parents of complex kids with fragile nervous systems and big behaviors to understand their own window of tolerance.It is a common pattern for parents of kids with neurobehavioral conditions to notice their window of tolerance narrowing over time.When a person is exposed to chronic, unpredictable, and prolonged stress, it impacts their neurobiology, specifically their nervous system.The nervous system becomes more fragile over time, the window of tolerance narrows, and it is easy to be thrown into dysregulationThe best use of a parent's energy is to support their fragile nervous system by using their own regulated presence. This requires a strong and steady nervous system.The path to expanding your window of tolerance is taking steps to build resilience each day.RESOURCES:
Episode 28: When the World Feels Too Big: Your Child’s Window of Tolerance
Episode 19: Rethinking What It Means to Be Resilient
Blog: Understanding the Window of Tolerance - Pt. 2
Book Recommendation: "What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing" by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey
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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen explains what it means for a child with a neurobehavioral condition to live with a narrow window of tolerance as a result of their unique neurobiology, specifically their fragile nervous system. She walks listeners through how the brain and nervous system help each of us manage life stressors, and why this is often difficult for individuals with brain-based differences.
TAKEAWAYS:
The "window of tolerance" is a concept developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, to describe the optimal zone of “arousal” for a person to function in everyday life. Each person's behaviors reflect whether or not they are inside their window of tolerance.Kids and teens living with a neurobehavioral condition means they may struggle with emotional regulation skills, meaning their window of tolerance for life's most minor stressors is challenged.When an individual struggles with these cognitive skills and lives with a fragile nervous system, as a result of their brain-based differences, they require accommodations that support these lagging skills and their nervous system.Cognitive fatigue is another important layer to understanding a child's window of tolerance and why it might be especially narrow.RESOURCES:
Brain First Parenting Podcast: Ep. 21 | Why Your Child Melts Down: The Hidden Impact of Cognitive Fatigue
Blog: Understanding the Window of Tolerance - Part 1
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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen speaks with Dr. Emily King, a psychologist with extensive experience working in schools and supporting neurodivergent youth about how parents can support their neurodivergent learners.
TAKEAWAYS:
Neuro-affirming environments are environments that are aligned with each person's nervous system. There are some key ways that adults/teachers can set up environments to support regulation in kids/students and "level the playing field" amongst students.Communication with teachers should happen early and often. Collaboration is most effective when the parent and teacher share what they are seeing behaviorally from the child in each of their unique settings and brainstorm accommodations based on this shared knowledge.Recognizing cognitive fatigue as a major factor in the child's behavior is essential to their success.Any asynchronicity in a child's skills is often misinterpreted as willful behavior instead of differences across skill sets.RESOURCES:
Learn with Dr. Emily
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SUMMARY - As parents, we all have high priorities as they relate to our kids and these high priorities are directly tied to our concern and care for them, wanting them to do well and develop into independent, responsible adults. This episode helps listeners think about their own priorities they hold, as they relate to their kids, and what needs to be considered when your child lives with a neurobehavioral condition.
TAKEAWAYS:
All parents have priorities related to their kids and these priorities are tied to the parent's deeply held beliefs and values.Having a high priorities as a parent are a reflection of the concern and care for their child.One's brain (cognitive skills) are required when working to meet the expectations or complete the task that are inherent in those high priorities held by parents.This is why parents of kids with brain-based differences need to routinely evaluate whether or not their high priorities are in alignment with their child's neurobiology (brain and nervous system).RESOURCES:
Brain First Parenting Podcast Episode 21- Why Your Child Melts Down: The Hidden Impact of Cognitive Fatigue
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