Episodes
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Join us as we tackle what recovering addicts need to watch out for on the journey to sobriety. We’ll give practical tips for those in recovery such as avoiding triggers, the “why” behind choosing sobriety, as well as why YOUR PARTNER IS NOT YOUR ENEMY. Because we include a couple of solutions (including an easy way to see if you’re edging) this video can help you increase your self-awareness and decrease your dependency, and also support your wife’s healing.
Oh, and here is the link to the video we reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBrVb9T4Bxk)
Timestamps
0:00 Intro
0:53 1-Sobriety does not heal relationships if... (& re-sensitization)
4:11 2-Visual Sips / Solution: One second=look. Two seconds= …
5:10 Solution: One easy way to see if you might be edging
6:47 3-Doing this for someone else / then they "become the problem" to you
8:01 4-"But no one can get free of this!" / when the little blue pill didn't work
9:25 5-Groups where the leader isn't free / "I'm gonna stumble eventually"
11:17 6-Wanting her to celebrate right away / why she's still leery
13:10 7-Two SIGNS you might be on the slippery slope
15:11 8-My wife can't give me that level of... / how Jay answers that now
18:03 9-She should never be an ‘enemy’ to you / when she's treated as your equal
19:44 Solution: Feel she is your enemy? / she helps with a goal of yours
21:46 10-Impatience might be a sign that… / Solution: one of the first things you can do
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
What should you do if the addict keeps relapsing/betraying you–especially if your friends keep telling you to leave? Should you divorce? Should you stay? Can life get any better if he keeps relapsing and lying? We talk about this, while giving you 3 things to try.
0:00 Intro
0:07 Question: My friends say I should leave my husband because he keeps relapsing–what do you think?
0:26 Lori’s thoughts (what she told one friend)
0:48 You can stay and have a really good life
1:01 Solution 1: God / Viewing the relationship differently
2:50 Narcotics Anonymous says it this way
3:34 Relapse is not inevitable if…
3:54 Solution 2: What makes recovery easier
4:23 Solution 3: “Give back” to your wife versus to a group (and why)
4:58 What Jay used to say about his relationship with God
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Missing episodes?
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In our work, we have seen some husband’s who have lied about their wives to the helping community–lying to pastors, counselors, family and friends–about her. Or the husband will diagnose her with a mental disorder of some sort. We address that topic, as well as what a partner can do, in this situation.
0:00 Intro & Question
0:34 When the husband thinks, “My apology should be enough!”
0:50 One early professional opinion
1:13 Solution for partners (and what the addict can do)
2:16 The main goal of his helping community
2:47 A probable truth about your husband
3:07 Solution: One thing you can say to your husband
3:43 Solution: Another thing you can say
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
There are many things I wish I had known right after D-Day… things that would have helped me recover more quickly. In this video, I cover several of them, and Jay gives extra input from the addict-who’s-found-sobriety point of view. (Please note: We do not condone hitting your spouse. If this is happening, please reach out to your local shelters/authorities.)
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
0:23 Coming down hard on yourself regarding boundaries
0:55 I’m in!!! I’m out!!! (what many guys do with this and one Solution)
2:46 Solution: How to find safe people & safe counselors
5:05 One way to keep from being blinded: Change your job description (Guys, nurse her back to health)
8:16 Solution to “falling for lines”
9:53 One clear sign Jay was taking his addiction recovery seriously
10:22 Solution to “You’re being too sensitive!”
11:16 Getting back at him / betraying yourself
12:58 Some addicts think, “It’s a license to keep acting out”
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
What caused Jay to take all of this more seriously (even if he felt attacked)? And what would cause Matt to say, “This is stupid!” We cover both of those here, in this LAST EPISODE OF THE SEASON.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:19 Did Jay feel like doing those things when he felt unfairly attacked? *
2:59 One Solution: Giving guidance vs “This is stupid” *
4:11 Jay took it more seriously because he knew this…
4:52 One Solution: How we phrase it instead
5:38 Steps Jay and Lori took
6:35 One Solution: Shared experiences can be risky (so wives consider trying…)
8:07 For the betrayed/traumatized regarding the “Right” way to do this *
8:26 What we tell couples
10:03 Where to subscribe for next season
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal #trauma #relationships #rebuildtrust #marriageadvice -
Transitioning from dating to marriage has its challenges, even without addictions. But healing a relationship after betrayal is even more challenging. Here are some things you can do to make the process easier–without resenting your spouse–especially if you’re trying to rebuild trust.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:11 It doesn’t take much
1:06 What some guys resent
1:46 The counselor told Jay, “You can’t crank her up like a machine and expect…”
2:14 What Matt thought marriage would be like (dating) *
2:50 One Solution: If he had continued dating his wife
3:40 Being intentional about continuing to date each other *
4:00 How a “perceived lack of finances” can impact relationships
4:56 Solutions to a lack of finances while rebuilding trust *
7:02 $7 cheese and other trees
9:09 In the next episode: How to rebuild trust when you feel attacked
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Rebuilding trust takes more than honest answers to the questions you are asked. You have to share what is going on for you without being prompted. This is huge in rebuilding trust after betrayal.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:12 Not lying but not sharing (this) either *
2:37 One Solution: Share thoughts & feelings for connection
3:41 One Solution: Openness vs honesty to rebuild trust *
5:36 Matt’s lightbulb moment: “It meant we weren’t freaks”
7:36 Blind spots may be why good men harm relationships *
8:14 One Solution: One of the best things Lori did for Jay’s blind spots (***NOTE: Lori only did this after she knew Jay wouldn’t use the information against her***)
10:44 In the next episode: One thing some guys resent
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
Connection doesn’t just happen. You have to make plans and create opportunities to connect. This episode shows specific ways to do this that may work better for both partners.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:24 Because it was majestic or because it was shared?
1:29 One Solution: Face-to-face and Shoulder-to-shoulder *
4:03 From intense talks every night to resting *
6:27 The ‘majestic or shared’ question answered
8:05 One Solution: Porn use parallels the desire for human connection
8:42 In the next episode: One thing many guys hide
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice
#brokentrust -
This video covers some brain science behind video games. We also discuss how Jay replaced his entertainment addiction with a bigger life so he could finally feel satisfied.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:21 The brain science? (It simulates success) *
1:46 Distraction due to trauma? (What many addicts do)
4:01 Lori to Jay: “You can’t sit still”
4:32 How to create something healthier
5:07 The doctor said, “Video games WILL affect his mood”
5:38 One Solution: How Jay replaced it with a bigger life *
8:28 It’s not as bright, but it is more valuable
8:47 Solution: Measuring the difference (Entertainment vs whales & trees)
10:58 Satisfaction compared to video games *
11:20 In the next episode: 2 ways to connect after broken trust
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
This episode covers video games and hobbies, and how being distracted by learning things can harm trust restoration. We also discuss how entertainment actually helped our relationship.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:11 How video games affected our marriage
1:42 I couldn’t entertain him
2:55 One Solution: Watch out for dissociation *
5:45 Distracted by learning (but not applying)
7:37 Solutions: Some refreshing time is needed (when distractions help) *
8:53 How Jay helped Lori with video games, etc
10:10 In the next episode: Entertainment vs True Satisfaction
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In this video we discuss two addictions we haven’t covered before, as well as 2 different kinds of values. WE also discuss the issue of faking vulnerability.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:15 Video games and hobbies (where we invest our time in relationships)
0:39 Stated Values vs Lived Values (“not demonizing those activities”) *
2:51 This can lead to even more broken trust
3:44 Stated values may be about our image
4:21 One Solution: Stated values is the goal vs. Craving the approval of others *
5;43 One Solution: How to name emotions
8:23 One Solution: One thing that would do wonders for relationships *
9:18 One Solution: A place guys can learn vulnerability, not faking it
11:12 Why Matt would “Say it all” now? Practice
11:40 “Thank goodness someone finally said it” vs “Not willing to go there”
12:47 In the next episode: Can video games actually help after broken trust?
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
How do you know if you should stay or go? And what would cause Lori to say, “I am more important than ___”? We discuss those topics with author and coach, Matthew Fray, as well as what if he never gets it?
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:15 What Matt would have told Jay and Lori to do back then
1:24 One Solution: Where to draw the line between staying or going? *
4:22 One Solution: Support network (and being validated) *
5:54 The guy may eventually ‘get it,’ but if not…
7:24 Not advocating for divorce, but health *
8:28 "I am more important than my marriage"
9:44 In the next episode: 2 Values / 2 Other Addictions
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In this conversation with Matthew Fray, we discuss different viewpoints if it appears the guy isn’t ‘all in.’ We also cover one thing Lori HAD to start trusting Jay would do.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:15 If he (or she) doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore… *
3:07 When guys don’t want to change (instead adding lies)
4:55 What if he’s not 'all in' *
8:39 "I had to start trusting that he would hurt me"
10:11 One Solution: A different way to "have more faith in people"
10:56 In the next episode: Should you stay or go?
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
How can a guy keep himself from mistreating–or even abusing–his partner? And how do you even start talking about those behaviors? Those are a couple of topics we discuss with author Matthew Fray in this video.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:18 Betrayal trauma & how it is the dividing line
2:08 One Solution: How to not be a mistreater/abuser *
3:20 The hard word: Abuse (...and ADHD)
5:04 One Solution: A way to talk about abuse *
7:36 One Solution: The challenge with validating in this area
9:39 The impact of habitual porn use on empathy
11:23 Toxic, clueless or teachable?
12:40 In the next episode: What if he’s not all in?
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#abuse
#mistreatment
#validation
#empathy -
Are safety and trust the same thing? This video will look at safety and trust from different angles, and it also covers why a guy may get defensive over those topics, and “What if the guy doesn’t change?”
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:14 Are safety & trust the same?
0:47 Maslow's Hierarchy & trust
1:53 One Solution: If people prioritize safety & trust AND……
2:47 Lori & Jay's take on safety & trust
5:17 "But I'm not trying to hurt her" (why men may be defensive about safety & trust)
7:45 What if the guy never changes? *
8:42 Solutions: What does safety look like (practically) when she can't trust him *
11:37 "If I (did this) I could take care of myself financially"
12:46 In the next episode: Mistreatment or even abuse, and what guys can do instead
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
In the continued conversation with Matt Fray, we cover a few different kinds of guys, including guys who get defensive, guys who fix, guys who ‘don’t get it,’ and guys who are teachable. We also discuss why Lori would say, “That’s not how relationships work,” and why Matt would say, “Can you just care?”
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:17 When he feels defensive, it helps to remember… / Secure Attachment
1:39 One Solution: Instead of "fixing it," try this...
3:46 Good people can be bad spouses (“Can you just care?”) *
5:54 “He may mean well, but he just doesn't get it”
6:36 One Solution: The word that may bring out the protector in guys
7:05 Learning & teachability (“That's not how relationships work”) *
8:43 “But porn is okay!”
9:43 In the next episode: “What if he never changes?”
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice -
How does validation heal broken trust… especially if he constantly chooses himself over her? And how can he conquer the monsters betrayal usually brings? We discuss these with Matt Fray in this video, as well as how just agreeing on the surface can harm relationships.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:17 How agreeing (on the surface) can make things worse *
2:10 Not living in integrity
2:51 One Solution: Validation can always work *
3:36 "100% of the time: if Matt doesn't agree, he chooses himself over me"
6:14 Past events + current events suggest it will continue *
7:42 "I didn't try to hurt you, so stop attacking me"
8:54 One Solution: We invalidate just to have an interesting conversation (try this instead)
9:46 How to be the "Monster-Conquering Hero"
10:55 In the next episode: Defensiveness & what can be done instead
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#trust
#validation
#safety
#relationships -
This video covers 3 places guys get stuck in broken trust, how he can connect with her pain after broken trust, and what to know if a guy is saying, “Aren’t you over that yet?”.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro / Boys don't cry?
0:40 One Solution: How guys can connect with her pain *
3:27 "Aren't you over that yet?" (Therapists said it will take this long) *
5:52 Guys say, "But I don't agree with her." (agreeing vs validating)
8:12 3 places guys can get stuck *
9:15 "If he doesn't agree with me, he abandons me"
11:16 The person I want to be
11:54 One Solution: An important mindset to have *
15:08 In the next episode: “... why does she keep attacking me?”
--
https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#validation
#trust
#safety
#relationships -
Disagreements can lead to 3 types of invalidation, as well as 1 unique way invalidation erodes trust–especially when she feels he doesn’t understand her pain. We discuss this with Matt Fray, as well as a couple things the guy can do instead.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:14 Our male clients have a lot of trouble with this
1:05 One Solution: How Matt explains it to male clients *
1:51 How disagreements lead to invalidation
2:41 3 ways we habitually invalidate (the triple threat) *
6:27 Another thing that erodes trust (he’ll do it again) *
7:55 How Jay created greater breakdown with Lori
9:01 One Solution: Pain is part of the healing process? Instead try this…
10:54 In the next episode: “Isn’t she over this yet?”
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#trust
#relationships
#invalidation
#pain -
Why is validation one quick way to heal trust? Because without it she will have a difficult time healing within the relationship. This video covers that concept, as well as why sexual affairs may be easier than emotional affairs. (Jay and I also talk about the guys we have a difficult time helping.)
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro
0:13 Validation, Restoring Trust & Self-Awareness
2:24 Usually this doesn’t work early on
2:56 Treatment Induced Trauma
3:32 One Solution: She can't heal within the relationship unless… *
4:51 It's a brain thing
5:31 Why sexual affairs may be “easier”
7:02 Guys we have a difficult time helping
8:58 A favorite tool of addicts and chronic mistreaters *
10:46 In the next episode: 3 ways guys invalidate pain
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website
https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website
https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners
https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#validation
#trust
#affairs
#marriageadvice - Show more
