Episodes
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Well, it's over. Another hetero couple can celebrate love, and against ALL odds some might say.
It's down the the final two gals and it's time we give credit where credit is due. Every season when Jesse has to say "this is most insane finale ever, you will NEVER believe it!" it's usually a crock. This finale? What a rollercoaster of events and women's empowerment! These women? Empowered.
We have live audiences, we have back to back family meetings with literally no break(?), we have some gorgeous gorgeous gowns, and we have a new Bachelorette!!!!
We're in Tulum and the girls get to meet the fam. Vibes are off for Daisy throughout this entire week and boy do we notice. Joey? Over it. Daisy? Close to over it. It's a yikes.
In a history-making move, Daisy and Kelsey A ride in the car to the proposal platform TOGETHER. CAN YOU BELIEVE.
And our winner and Joey's new "best friend" is...... Kelsey!!!
Also two N's Jenn is announced as Bachelorette. We're excited but ABC threw it in last minute so here's our contribution. (We love you Jenn).
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It's the best episode of every reality show ever!!!! The reunion! These women truly do tell all. Maria says a lot but, according to the live audience (and us), it's welcomed.
The women reunite to rehash the collection of mostly unnecessary and dumb drama like not being old at 31 and throwing the word "bully" around without actually knowing the definition. Some of the women experience consequences for their words and actions and all is seemingly reconciled except for Jess which no one is worried about.
Lexie stands out absolutely BEAMING in the center of the first row and we're just confused how you can still glow up when your baseline is stunning and gorgeous. Snaps for Lexie.
We do zoom back to Tulum to experience the craziest and least necessary conversation that throws Joey for quite the loop. Kelsey learns to articulate further to avoid cryptic letters.
In a shock to no one, as unfortunate as it may be, we do say goodbye to Rachel in Tulum, but this bitch comes STACKED at Tell All wearing the most stunning yellow dress we've ever seen. It's no shock she takes best dressed this week.
It's a night of tears, lumbering walks, gorgeous gowns, and Bachelorette auditions. What more could you need?
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Missing episodes?
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Who's ready for f*ck week!!!!
It's top 3 and we're in Tulum! Is there a Vedanta in Tulum? It would appear not...
This week, it's fantasy suites and these girls are ready to get hot 'n heavy without gentle sweet baby angel, Joey.
It's a slog this week, we won't lie. HOWEVER, what is NOT a slog is Leslie being the most iconic doubt seed planter we've ever seen. Are you confident? Well, you shouldn't be. Poor Kelsey.
Daisy gets some top tier advice from Sandra, and Rachel gets to hang with our one and only, Susan. What a legend.
Unfortunately, Rachel injures herself taking a leap of faith into the famous Bachelor cenote, and it seems like that's the nail in the coffin for our gal. We can't be sure though as after her overnight, she seemingly disappears from the face of the Earth or, at least, the rest of the episode.
Kelsey gets the Mmm I Like This dream date of a BOAT in the OCEAN in MEXICO and as much as we hate to say it, it's well deserved. The writing is on the wall with this one.
Also Daisy was there.
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Joel is a jet setter this week, so Jess and Thomas take the mic!
It's hometowns! How many fun Middle American towns can we see in one episode? Let's find out.
Kelsey A brings Joey to NoLa first to meet her family and Thomas gets misty for her charming dad. Those eyes? Help.
Daisy takes Joey directly onto the set of a Hallmark movie with her family's Christmas tree farm and intro to every single family member she's ever had finally achieving the parental validation she needed. Questionable at best!!!!
Rachel brings Joey to Rancho Cucamonga to meet her family deep rooted in tradition and as expected, Joey hits a home run on the respect meter!!
Maria's family gets the typecast treatment with the most hilarious Sopranos style backing music for Joey's visit and Maria's dad proves to be the coolest dude we've ever seen. Additionally, Soto? Maria's brother? Call us.
A major growth step for Bachelor nation as every parent brings up the MUTUAL choosing of this format and we couldn't be prouder of the support systems these girls have.
Also someone goes home but don't ask us about it please as we are still very sensitive. Please respect our privacy at this time.
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It's just the boys again this week and we are in Jasper!!
It's really down to the wire now with 6 girls left! When did that happen? Heading into hometowns it's serious gals only!
Joey doles out the rounds of SECOND 1 on 1's to Daisy and Kelsey A, and the remaining four girls miserably slog through the last group date of the season. Daisy is blessed with the FIRST and seemingly ONLY hot tub date? Choices.
The group date is a true Canadian staple of rolling, flipping, and chopping logs and then finishing off an obstacle course with an ice cold glass of Elk milk. Our resident Canadians on the mic can attest to never trying such an abomination. This group date is painful all around. We've got awkward kisses, lactose intolerance, and a lot of "I don't know I can do this."
Kelsey A gets her second boring "explore the town" date and gets more excited for a polar plunge than anyone we've ever seen. Props to her.
In a GAG, Joey cancels the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and the girls are not stoked. Especially Maria, but fear not as Joey decides to give her even MORE screen time 1 on 1 and our hosts couldn't be happier.
A true rollercoaster of an episode this week, but we are now down to a final four and headed straight into hometowns. Whose mom/dad will hate Joey? Who has got a hot sibling? Looks like we will find out next week!
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This week we are SUPERSIZED! It's a double ep, y'all!
We travel super internationally from Malta to Spain and most importantly to Canada!
The girls are dropping like flies with a combo of three rose ceremonies in two episodes, one self elim, and one humiliating group date departure. I would say "you hate to see it" but we truly are so pleased. The villains have been slain by the slayer herself, Maria.
One-on-ones are fairly distributed continually, and the LOSERS who don't get a one-on-one are finally chopped. We're rounding the corner to the home stretch, folks! Rachel gets her dance, Kelsey gets a gay rights 13th century bath house dinner, Kelsey T gets to twirl in the air, and most importantly, our girl Maria gets THE date we all look forward to every season, the shopping extravaganza. We couldn't be prouder!
We are getting close, kids!
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Our glowing Jess is back to round out the trio!
The girls head to Malta to meet Joey on the first leg of the international part of the trip! Where's Malta you ask? Your guess is as good as ours.
Lexie gets the 1-on-1 and as expected, slays both the date and Joey. Definitely a front-runner.
The group date is the biggest piece of confusing LARP/European war cosplay we've ever seen, but power to the girls for letting a big sausage slap them in the face. Our pocket-sized (self-titled) bach leans right in with those girls.
More importantly, the queen of the season, Maria, gets her shining moment in a 2-on-1 with Sydney, and as expected, Sydney continues to clown herself right into the getaway car. How can you be sad on vacation? The world's greatest question.
In a weird turn of events, Lea rears her head as the new villain when we learn who is 23 and thinks being nice to people isn't allowed, and a 31 year old (OLD OLD OLD) Madina has to educate a child on what maturity and politeness is. This is where showing your age is a good thing.
Thankfully these girls bring (some) fashion to Europe with a set of much nicer gowns for this rose ceremony.
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Our King Babygirl is at it again! This week, it's just the boys and, as usual, it's a fight for who talks more about these divas.
We're officially in the thick of the show AND this week is our last week of "who is she?" so you know it's getting good.
It's the war of the century between the delusional queen, Sydney, and the literal queen of the universe, Maria. We're team Maria OBVIOUSLY.
The two group dates are a pageant (barf) and a tennis tourney! (slay). We get some stand outs with Lexie choosing to showcase her talents with QUITE the kiss and the most hilarious butter costume wins the tennis tourney. Joey is really proving that he LOVES to kiss in front of anyone who will watch.
We have a new nickname alert!! 2 N's Jenn gets the 1 on 1 this week and Joey takes her surfing (and kissing). Trauma dinner gets real when 2 N's reveals some deep-rooted family trauma (and to be expected, Thomas loves to relate).
The cocktail party is subbed for a sponsored pool party and Thomas and Joel start to question ABC's budget choices. In a shock to no one, Sydney continues to dig the deepest most embarrassing grave for herself and Maria continues to rise above.
We have quite possibly the WORST collection of Rose Ceremony gowns in Bachelor history and the boys go in pretty hard. Sorry girls, in 2024 we have standards!
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The rollercoaster continues!
We're almost to the point where we know everyone's name, but not quite there. That girl in the centre to the left? Never seen her a day in my life!
The girls have moved into the mansion and the dates start! Who get's the first 1 on 1 but America's SWEETHEART (key word being America's and not ours) but who couldn't love a pretty blonde girl who wears a cross and works for an NGO. Joey for sure does so far.
The standouts start to edge out of the pack. Maria skyrockets to number one in our hearts and Evalin showcases her athleticism like we've never seen before.
Group dates go from fake wedding receptions in front of literal strangers to seemingly lawless capture the flag/paintball games.
In a SHOCKING upset going down in Bachelor history, we say goodbye to an early fave. We will miss you, Erika. See you on the beach!
Oh yeah, and one of the sisters goes home but she clearly wants the 15min and we can't in good conscience contribute to that. Too bad the cake was wrong.
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We are SO back, baby. Your favourite bestie trio return to the HOT mic to talk about the most babygirl bachelor we have ever had?
Joey meets 32 women and kisses QUITE a few. We get to meet these ladies, and boy oh boy do we get some first impressions. Jess welcomes in a new namesake to the fold. How does she stand up next to Bird Bones? You'll just have to listen to find out!
A fantastic start to a great season. Good luck, Joey!
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So, what now? No more beach? No more sun? No more crying? What will we do for 6 weeks?
Jess leaves Joel and Thomas this week to helm the finale themselves and with the unintentional pride party style, there's no complaints from them!
It's the final days on the beach, and TRULY who would have guessed Eliza & Aaron + Kat & John Henry would be the last two couples? NOT US.
The singles start to drop like flies and exit paradise expeditiously. Jess has to be told she's not needed on the beach anymore and Mercedes lays it down for Jordan that there is no spark whatsoever. Do we see Jordan leave? Does he dissipate into the sand? Who's to know.
Aven and Kylee have the same conversation 10 times and we don't see much improvement. Why is a ring more important than the man handing it you? Your guess is as good as ours.
In a shock to NO ONE, it would appear none of our happy couples have lasted the test of time.. until next year. (RIP Sam + FP)
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Well, it's (almost) over.
Gerry has chosen his woman and nobody is surprised. The Hollywood Reporter published and articale painting him in a darker light and nobody is surprised. Rachel get's humiliated and nobody is surprised.
WHAT A WEEK!! We say this every time but truly what a f*cking week. In a heart-wrenching, skin crawling, and major cringe inducing episode, we see Gerry really fumble the bag at the end of his journey. There is of course a happy couple, but the happy couple we wanted? Who's to say. The true winner of this season is the cast of golden bachelorettes who captured our hearts and gave us a reason to believe in heterosexual love again. #JusticeForEllen+Susan+Joan
We get a taste of the most incredible editing and production work in our Bachelor watching careers with a perfectly made 38 minute Paradise episode JAM PACKED with break ups, shocking friendships (Kylee and Tyler?), and the most shameful humiliation of an ex LEAD contestant. We feel for you Rachel.
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Happy f*ck week!
It's fantasy suite time for our good old Golden Bach Boy, Gerry, and we finally get to travel overseas! Welcome to Costa Rica! Talk about knowing your demo...
Leslie and Theresa continue to showcase how they're both perfect for Gerry in their own unique ways, and Theresa finally comes off as a chill gal. Thomas couldn't be happier. Clock that instagram shop two-piece pj set.
On the beach, Blake's entire reality gets shattered to pieces when his ex, also known as Katie Thurston aka dildo girl, shows up on the beach for.. seemingly no reason at all? Oh right, a roast.
Katie hosts a roast and fortunately for us, the three most volatile girls get absolutely shredded and chaos begins to brew.
Rach gets a second chance but ultimately doesn't care, Kat runs a beach yoga for all the men she ruined, and Olivia gets a tentative happy ending.
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We have crested the hill which is the final stretch of our season!
This week, the golden ladies tell all, but mostly all about Susan's gas.
We get a few hot seats with two of the most impactful losses, and Gerry shows up looking so incredibly melancholic. We couldn't believe it. Also it's time to celebrate the ONLY trip this season. See you next week in Costa Rica!
At the beach, Corpse Bride digs her decomposing claws into sweet poor innocent baby child John Henry, and Olivia is NOT having it. According to Bachelor Data, Olivia has had the most screen time of all our lovebirds. SHOCKING.
Brayden's new boo makes the biggest mistake of her life and social media career, and to that we say "smell ya later."
Next week's teasers look to shake up some recently cemented love connections! I guess you'll just have to stick around to hear Jess, Joel, and Thomas' input on all the beach fun.
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We really are seated for a roller coaster this season. In what would seem to be some of the most boring episodes of the season, our fabulous trio of hosts seem to talk.. the most? Of any episode? Figure that one out.
In Gerry's world we're at Hometowns! How many grand kids can be produced to ask a stranger if he's in love with their grandma?
We see Faith for who she really is, a horsegirl. We see Theresa for who she really is, a frail baby woman; and we see Leslie for who she really is, a hot mama.
Gerry shows his entire hand of cards confessing his love for TWO of the three women to their face, and even in front of one of their families.. it's weird.
In a shocking turn of events, we ELIMINATE the back to format praises as we are left edged for the final rose.
At the beach, Corpse Bride continues to experience consequences for her actions and also continues to completely miss the point. Bitch is out to lunch.
We get a few new arrivals at the beach to stir up some couple drama and for Bird Bones and Rach, it's looking rocky my friends. Charity also makes a celeb appearance to ruin Aaron B's life and we honestly can't wait.
Want some personal stories? Some obnoxious screaming? Cackles? You're in the right place, as usual.
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I know we say this every week, BUT... What. A. Week.
Jess returns to round out the trio this week!
The axe continues to drop HARD on Golden Bach as Gerry tearfully sends three women home leaving only THREE left for hometowns/fantasy suites/Gerry's hometowns.
Faith gets a once in a lifetime 1 on 1 in a helicopter, in a hot tub, and on a yacht. We couldn't be more jealous.
The rest of the ladies and Gerry let out their inner child at an amusement park on the pier, and Theresa looks as if she has passed away on the rollercoaster. RIP.
We hit the beach in Paradise and did you know it's Kat's birthday? Oh, you didn't? She didn't tell you 100 times? Wild. A HOT new bombshell enters the villa this week and snipes Kat's man right out from underneath her.
Braychel go on a cute date and Thomas has finally followed Jess' lead with the turnaround on Baby B. SHOCKING news.
Canada in the house! We also get a BiP Canada alum join the beach to shake it up and we could not be more proud of our Northern girl.
It's a crazy week of hysterical tears, dirty dancing, tequila shots, and yoga breathing. You can't miss it.
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Well well well! Look what happens when you change your mind on Brayden. Karma delivers! This week, it's just the gays to breakdown what has become the most explosive episode of Paradise this season!
Gerry's up first and his gaggle of gals are not as limbered up as they should have been for what could be the most intense sports tournament Bachelor Nation has ever seen - pickleball.
These women left nothing on the court! Sandra even dove into the crowd!
Leslie gets the 1 on 1 and we get to see more of Gerry's TOUGH REBEL/BAD BOY past.. a massive tattoo. Who would have thought?
The axe continues to fall and we're now rounding the home stretch for our golden king. We can't wait.
Drama hits the beach! Who's surprised?
Our backed-up queen bids farewell to the beach-goers to deliver a 9+ day poop-baby. Sending well wishes to the new mother.
New boys hit the beach with date cards in hand! We're at 12 girls and SEVEN boys. FIVE could go home next week!!!
There are awkward massage dates, dinner kisses, TRUTH boxes both introduced and destroyed all in the same day.
Want to know what Kat thinks? Don't worry, not only will she tell you, but she will scream at the producers in her interview so loudly the rest of the beach can hear every word.
Oh yeah.. Sean thinking ANYONE is into him. HA!!!!
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What a week! These grannies are finally bringing the heat!
Joel returns to round out the fab trio and we couldn't be happier.
Gerry continues to thin the herd by putting these women up for a talent show supported by what is probably the largest audience for anything in Bachelor nation. These poor women.
We get standouts, and our winner of the dinner is Joan! GORGEOUS STUNNING JOAN! Alas, it is a short-lived high as she has to self elim to go be a mom. The ladies could NOT relate more so we say goodbye to gorgeous Joan.
Ellen gets the 1 on 1 this week and absolutely CRUSHES her "custom" (?) dress and things get HOT in the hot air balloon.
The beach heats up even further as Thomas' number 1 boyfriend, Tyler, arrives to shake it up. Also additionally sexy hot man, Tanner32 arrives to regretfully pursue CB. Not everyone can make good choices out of the gate.
Have you ever just completely iced someone out and gone so cold in your breakup that even your own friends call you out? No? just Corpse Bride? Got it.
Please give Jess the time and privacy she needs to process the most unexpected turnaround of our time.
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It's a solemn week this week. Our shining and radiant podcast trio is down to two as Joel has contracted some sort of plague.
Fear not as Jess and Thomas are there to pick up the slack!
This week, Gerry takes our gal Theresa on a date to a retro 50's diner we're SURE bring back very real memories for both of them. Theresa wants to learn Italian to go travel Italy and Gerry is into it and Thomas just cries daily for them. The women throw him a surprise birthday party and the cast continues to show off how genuine and sweet they all are.
Gerry also cries this week (like every week) as he has to really start to axe the women down to his faves. We only have six episodes remember!
We hit the sand and Paradise QUEEN Kylee is here to absolutely slay the beach. Will embarrasses himself as the biggest crybaby we've ever seen, and Hannah Brown shows up holding the largest spoon to stir the paradise pot and we. are. here. for. it.
We've got tears, we've got flash mobs, we've got immature baby boy dancing, and we've got Susan in a neon green dress. What else could you need?
Whatever you do, just Don't Stop Believin'
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We. Are. So. Back!!
Jess, Joel, and Thomas are seated and READY to celebrate old people in love.. and also young people in love.. triangles.
We have TWO shows to follow up on every week. It's work.. but we got y'all.
This week we welcome Gerry as our first Golden Bachelor, along with DROVES of gorgeous iconic women over 50. Do we all believe in love again because of this show? Hopefully.
Buckle up for a LIST of new nicknames for these iconic women and don't worry, there will be no punches pulled even with this demographic.
WE ALSO HIT THE BEACH!! Some legendary faves are ready to soak up the sun, sand, and suck face with 10 other people in this season of Bachelor in Paradise.
Tune in for a double dose of BS from our fave podcast trio.
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