Episódios
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"I bought them all gifts this Christmas, I was thoughtful, I was courteous, I was giving and kind! Hey! Psst... you're supposed to let other people give you compliments. Yeah and psst, she didn't pay for any of that shit!" It wouldn't be Christmas with the ALDC without a little coal in your stocking from good ol' Abby! this week to celebrate Christmas our Holly Jolly Btiches are stepping back a week from the slap heard around the world to cover Season 4's Christmas Special "Twas the Fight Before Christmas".
Abby is prepared to give gifts to all the moms and girls, but wouldn't you know it, just like in any normal week of the show Abby has a funny way of showcasing that some people are her favorites. Is it really fair if one kid gets a vanity box, one kid gets a puppy, and one somehow gets $5,000? Make it make sense! Though to add insult to injury almost no one seemed to receive their gifts in the long run, but even worse was the blatant misrepresentation about what some of the gifts actually were. Abby might eb in the giving mood, but there's only so much to give when you have a negative desire to offer anything!
Quotes
“It was a vanity. It was probably $100 and Maddie has a $5000 gift certificate! She didn't even have make-up in her vanity!" (20:42-20:50 | Christi)“All I can say is Holly is married with those feet and you are not." (37:29-37:34 | Kelly)“Oh god don't sing." (42:04-42:06 | Kelly)“Ok everyone needs to realize that she said she got a lifetime of books. You guys we were on Lifetime, it was a Lifetime gift certificate for $50 dollars." (1:12:10-1:12:20 | Christi)Links
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"This is the duet that broke Dance Moms," and Christi is not being hyperbolic. For all intense and purposes Dance Moms changed with this episode for the worse. The ratings were never as high and the episodes weren't nearly as funny, because this is Kelly's last episodes as part of the ALDC. It's the episode you've all been waiting for and it's one of our longest recaps yet for a reason because there is A LOT to unpack and plenty of tea to be spilt about what really went down in that room.
Abby is unhappy how the team performed in the previous competition even though they came in 1st in the group competition, and states she will form a new team, keeping only Maddie, to compete against her own team. The ALDC is heading to New York for Sheer Talent and Abby will host the final round of ALDC auditions with the intent of coming back with both a win and a new team. Unbeknownst to everyone, except for Melissa and Maddie, Abby also intends to undermine Chloe and Paige's performance with a surprise guest.
Quotes
“I've never seen this episode. I never did either. I don't think I watched it when it came out, I really don't. Cause I have real f***ing trauma from this day." (00:57-01:06 | Christi & Kelly)“It's sad that she wants the girls that she taught to lose and the girls she didn't teach to win. Yeah it's so dumb cause she doesn't get that that makes her look stupid." (14:21-14:30 | Christi & Kelly)“Paige and Maddie were very close. And the fact that she could look at her and lie? I just don't know how you can allow your kid to do that? To raise them to think that that is ok." (1:07:49-1:08:06 | Kelly)“She has a bracelet on that says 'tough' and she's crying because somebody pulled her hair. Meanwhile it wasn't even her hair it was freaking extensions." (1:44:26-1:44:36 | Christi & Kelly)Links
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"Pray for me for next week," begs Kelly as we've hit her penultimate episode of Dance Moms. However, this week she's awfully comfortable as Abby instead is seemignly hell bent on replacing Christi and Chloe. Abby welcomes Chloe Nguyen and her mom Kim who have come from Nevada for a trial run with the ALDC. But this team isn't big enough for two Chloes' and Abby assigns each of them a solo to compete with one another.
On the short end of that stick is Nia who despite claiming Top of the Pyramid is only given a duo with Kendall. Holly and Jill enjoy their daughter's work, but are annoyed that Abby dedicates a mere 17 minutes to their rehearsal and spends most of it on her phone. But all the moms are equally annoyed by Kim who like many a guest mom acts like she knows better how to approach Abby than they do.
Quotes
“Holly is wearing fur. There's a lot of fur happening in this episode. Jill shows up to play." (26:45-26:52 | Christi)“We did get dirty [on Pillow Talk] some times. Uh, a lot! I'm shocked at some of the things we say. I told you intern Matt had to walk away because he's embarrassed!" (31:54-32:09 | Christi & Kelly)“Who leaves Vegas to come to Pittsburgh? The same people who leave LA and New York to come to Pittsburgh." (36:13-36:21 | Christi & Kelly)“Abby says it's going to be Awards. Put a smile on that face and nobody better sit on that stage and slouch. The next shot of our kids is them slouching on the stage." (1:09:42-1:09:51 | Christi)Links
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Thank you to Ashley Jana for allowing us to use Electricity!! Follow her on IG HERE: https://instagram.com/ashleyjanamusic?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
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"And we have Bitch #3 and #4, Jill and Melissa! Who is 3? Can I be 3, cause I'm on top? She always has to win you know." Yes in honor of Pillow Talk we are joined this week by Jill and Melissa to discuss the controversial Season 4 episode "No One is Safe". Controversial because Abby decides to give Nia the lead in a group solo about slavery called Free At Last, which was changed to be about the Civil Rights Movement and retitled At Last for broadcast. Holly isn't crazy about the subject matter, but is determined to let Nia make the most out of her rare moment in the spotlight.
Meanwhile Abby continues to audition girls to replace members of the ALDC, and a couple of auditioners don't take too well to Abby's rejections. Melissa also finds herself defending her choice to home school her kids from the other moms as Abby starts lambasting everyone else for not following in her footsteps.
Quotes
“[Abby] ordered, I think it was beef and broccoli, and she pulled a can of Campbell's tomato soup out of her purse. It was cold! Opened it up and dumped it over the beef and broccoli. " (46:31-46:46 | Kelly)“Melissa is contradicting herself. Welp I better drink!" (55:48-55:51 | Kelly & Melissa)“Melissa is doing the lords work. She's sabotaging everyone to keep her job and ours." (1:08:15-1:08:20 | Christi)“Jill wants you to know there's nothing inside [of her poof] except secrets." (1:09:56-1:09:59 | Christi)Links
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"They're shaking in their boots... she always wants us to shake in our boots." While Cathy certainly gets the short end of the stick on Dance Moms, on the second half of "Chloe vs Kendall: Round 2" she's determined to live up to Abby's depiction of her as The Wicked Witch. From insulting Christi's outfit (fair) to mocking the ALDC kids as they perform (uncalled for), Cathy isn't in a mood to give anyone an easy time this week. She's become visibly sick of the show treating her as the default villain and even says so as much directly to camera during competition, and Abby is determined to make sure that depiction sticks.
As the girls prepare to perform at Dance Troupe Inc. in Roanoke, VA Abby rallies the girls with a warning that they are replaceable and to not embarrass her. Kelly admonishes Abby, saying the girls deserve a pep talk especially since they've been doing well at competitions as of late. Though only Maddie is given a proper pep-talk and it mostly serves to drive a wedge between her and the other girls. Jill continues to be unhappy with what she sees as a bias against Kendall by the producers as Kendall is paired off against Chloe this week. With Candy Apples afoot however, even Abby isn't going to risk giving her team bad choreo. Or will she?
Quotes
“Abby's Right Boob... I feel like everybody does that. Right boob? Yeah, why!? Somebody needs to do the left! You're neglecting the left." (03:42-03:52 | Christi & Kelly)“Cathy and Jill actually in real life absolutely hate each other. Remember she was telling us the other day she blocked her?" (20:05-20:14 | Christi & Kelly)“I don't blame Cathy for the way she feels about Dance Moms. She is the goat, and not like the Greatest of All Time GOAT, she's the punching bag." (42:51-43:02 | Christi)“Speaking of witches. The Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz when she locks Dorothy in the tower and flips over the hourglass and she's going out and she's like time is ticking? That's how I feel knowing your episode is coming." (45:31-45:43 | Christi)Links
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Link to our new series with Melissa and Jill, Pillow Talk!
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"Out of the two of them, who do you think is the good witch and the bad witch? I would say Cathy's the good witch, Abby is definitely the bad witch!" It's ironic on the eve of the release of the Wicked movie that we get an episode that heavily centers on wicked witches, though the biggest witch of the all according to our bitches here can't even see the writing on the wall!
The episode opens with Payton getting "cut" from the team (can you really be cut if you were never officially on the team?). After three weeks at the bottom of the Pyramid and last week's broken ankle debacle, tensions were running high between Abby and Leslie so Payton was ultimately asked to leave, for now at least. Refocusing on the team, Abby seems to not care too much that the group brought home. victory at the last competition and starts to work the girls against one another. Chloe and Kendall are each given a solo with the intent of settling who truly deserves to be Abby's number 2.
Cathy returns with an all boy's team to spice up the competition, which send Abby into an angry spiral. To push back against her nemesis Abby decides the group dance will be about witches, with Maddie portraying a "good witch" as a stand in for Abby. Meanwhile Christi and Jill prep their daughter's solos and the moms start to get a little heated with one another. Jill is convinced Christi is getting a leg up while Christi is upset that Abby won't finish the choreography or her daughter's big dance.
Quotes
“Hold on, let Kelly choke to death first. Our poor Kelly. She needs to get better so she can go back to being a bitch. Cause when you're sick I can't be mean to you." (1:55-2:05 | Christi)“I don't know. I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on a podcast." (10:50-10:53 | Christi)“I wonder what the card said? Sorry for being late? I don't know, please don't torture me on national television I beg of you?" (46:22-46:31 | Christi & Kelly)“I don't know is this news? I don't know. Doesn't feel newsworthy to me. This feels like the same old shit we listen to every week!" (53:32-53:40 | Christi)Links
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Thank you to Ashley Jana for allowing us to use Electricity!! Follow her on IG HERE: https://instagram.com/ashleyjanamusic?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
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"Best mom hack you learned being on Dance Moms? How about: Don't try this at home!"
We're always getting requests to do more Q&A episodes, so here ya go! If you're part of our Patreon then you're already used to us answering your questions, but not everyone has hopped aboard with all of our little Bitchettes just yet! So we figured what better way to relax and wind down after a pretty contentious week than with a little Q&A session. Joining us to moderate and sort through your questions is Intern Matt! No he's not just someone we talk about, he's real!
Tune in to hear the answers to some of your most burning questions: What was the worst place to travel to for the show? What are Christi and Kelly's opinions on "gardening" with the good kush? What is their HBIC walk-out music (and do they know what that means?). And of course are they getting any closer to figuring out what pochina means?
Quotes
“We let Chloe name Clara, although Chloe kept campaigning for "Miley" because Hannah Montana was big at the time." (12:30-12:37 | Christi)“It's vagina adjacent, for sure." (21:45-21:47 | Christi)“We were like do you have any questions [about "the talk"]? Chloe had one question. I cannot say what word it was, but she said what does "The J word" mean!? It was because of a word that Paige taught her! Cause Brooke taught her!" (32:25-32:38 | Christi & Kelly)“who would die first fi you were in a horror movie? Oh the dumb bitch? Me. Oh no you'd be the killer. You'd be the one killing bitch! Oh, ok Jill would be the first to go." (38:30-38:42 | Christi)Links
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Thank you to Ashley Jana for allowing us to use Electricity!! Follow her on IG HERE: https://instagram.com/ashleyjanamusic?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
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"My group should be 10 points above anyone else... Hold on, the group was 10 points above!" Perhaps it's just because things are about to get much worse but it's quite funny how in-stride our bitches handle some of Abby's most convoluted hoop jumps yet to make their children look bad on the second half of "Abby Strikes Back".
First to deal with Abby however is Jill, who along with Kendall is absent at the beginning of competition. This is all for show as everyone knew behind the scenes that Jill was long expected not to be immediately present and Kendall wasn't given a solo for that very reason. But Abby knows the audience isn't aware of that and uses' Jill's absence to threaten Kendall with being replaced.
As performances get underway Payton seemingly breaks her ankle and claims she's in an immense amount of pain. It's not clear at this point what the cause of her fall was, but Leslie worries this will put Payton first in line on the chopping block (since when is she on the team?). The group immediately begins to prep for the number without Payton, with Abby reminded them that they are all replaceable just in case they forgot.
During awards we discover that while the group performed well, they didn't live up to Abby's standards... except they did? In a very confusing twist of logic Abby aims to throw everyone under the bus other than Maddie and Mackenzie, despite every other dance technically performing better point-wise. Ya just can't win with Abby!
Quotes
“Nice of you to join us! Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy! It's me, I pulled the bitch card that week. It was like the old maid. Who gets it? Me." (13:36-13:47 | Christi)“Cause we were in Florida. When we did the stand-off or whatever. Oh that was in Florida to, why were we in Orlando so many times? Cause Abby has a house in Orlando. Right, ok." (17:17-17:25 | Christi & Kelly)“Payton is in a wheelchair, crying. Holly is comforting her and here come the paramedics. Oh I think he was cute. Like oh can he take us? Abby's like hubba hubba and I'm like my foot hurts to! Ouch!" (28:58-29:11 | Christi & Kelly)“We are literally counting down the hours. It is like you are on death row and you are heading towards the electric chair. Are you nervous? Are you nervous to watch THE episode? " (37:45-37:56 | Christi)Links
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Thank you to Ashley Jana for allowing us to use Electricity!! Follow her on IG HERE: https://instagram.com/ashleyjanamusic?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Download Electricity HERE: https://music.apple.com/us/album/electricity/1497482509?i=1497482510
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"I feel that every Dance Moms episode from this point forwards should just be called like Abby Hates Us or Abby Screws Us Over." says Christi as Abby begins to push her luck by asking the moms to start promoting online to find replacements FOR THEMSELVES on Season 4's "Abby Strikes Back".
The first open auditions for the ALDC are this week and Abby has not been making it easy for anyone, except for the Ziegler family of course as Abby states Maddy is the only child not up for replacement. Abby requests that the moms start promoting the auditions on twitter, which Holly calls out for being callous since who would want to help ensure their own demise? But even though only Holly said it out loud, it's clear to all the moms that things have gotten quite bad and are only getting worse. Jill consequently gets hung up on the previous week's competition order snafu, arguing Christi intentionally sabotaged the situation for her daughter's benefit. As we noted in the last episode this simply wasn't true and all it serves to do is pit the moms against one another instead of Abby.
The Orlando auditions get underway with the Zieglers attending to help scout talent, however no other family agreed to do this for the same reason they wouldn't promote it. But Abby begins antagonizing some of the moms who get snippy with her, going as far to start singling out their children for ridicule and blaming their parents. Amongst the crowd are many future ALDC members, but was it really the first time Abby was meeting these girls? Or was there some off-screen shenanigans informing who got a leg up? Tune-in to find out!
Quotes
“I cried every time we had to walk into Studio A. Like Nnnoooooo! Noooo! I don't like it. It's terrible Studio A is where dreams are crushed and souls are smooshed." (30:53-31:03 | Christi)“We're not tweeting to replace our own daughters are we? Cause that's a little awkward. I agree Holly and yes we are." (36:39-36:45 | Kelly)“I mean I get that you need to learn how to use a mic, but not during a bathing suit dance. " (40:49-40:55 | Kelly)“Fallon has this whole TikTok about how this was a set-up. Oh really!? Yes because she said that she met Abby when she was 8 which was like 3 years before. She was always doing Abby's mater classes in Orlando." (58:56-59:11 | Christi & Kelly)Links
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"I am not a Dance Moms fan. I hate watching it!" mourns Christi, as even when she does nothing at all production manages to spin a scenario to get her in trouble with Abby. As the second half of "Two Can Play This Game" gets underway there is some confusion about the line-up of solo performances at competition. Jill had been under the impression that Kendall would be performing last, but Kendall is actually first up. Christi is also concerned about Chloe's placement and what the cameras don't show is that production explicitly told the moms the wrong performance order. While Christi admits she would personally prefer Chloe to perform last, she takes issue with how the show frames the matter as it will be used against her in the near future.
But Abby personally is only concerned about showing up Cathy, so much so that when Leslie starts to argue in the audience Abby orders Leslie to shut up. Leslie cannot comprehend why Abby is treating her with disrespect, somehow not realizing this is what the rest of the moms always go through. While the ALDC performs well with the judges Abby keeps up the criticisms, because some things never change no matter how much you do what Abby wants!
Quotes
“That is the one benefit to having a C-section is I don't pee myself. I'm like an 18 year old down there. Oh gross!” (1:18-1:28 | Christ & Kelly)“They're chanting Cathy's name. Cause usually when we come out they'll be shouting Chloe or Maddie, but with Cathy you never know who she's bringing. So you can't really scream for the kids because she always has a different team." (15:20-15:35 | Kelly)“I think you just said something mean. Well I didn't say I wanted a kid to lose! Well you called them the B-Team so you basicaly said they suck and you're better than them. THEY ARE THE B-TEAM! The show is Dance Moms about the ALDC, [Cathy's team] is the the B-Team. Convince me otherwise Kelly!" (24:04-24:21 | Christi & Kelly)“I just want to point out that we can see that you have a coffee cup in the audience, just saying. Of course. Yours you always hid under the seat. I don't know if I hid it. If I had a coffee cup, you had a coffee cup! Yeah cause here is how it would go down: It would be lunch and Kelly would go I'm ready for wine how about you? And I'd be like yep and that was about it." (30:50-31:10 | Christi & Kelly)Links
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"Abby says to Chloe that she has the dancer's body. She has the look. Your technique shines through, you can nail it no matter what. listen to that positive shit! Hu huh. I'm willing to bet you Kelly that that's what she said to Maddie and they edited it so she says it to Chloe. She would never say that to Chloe," admits Christi reluctantly. Even when the show is seemingly throwing our beloved bitches a bone it's never that easy. Not helping the matter is Abby is using Chloe as a pawn in her little game on the Pyramid for "Two Can Play This Game".
Even though Kendall led the trio that took first in last week's competition, she is placed lower than Chloe on the Pyramid. The only reasoning seems to be that it'll make Jill upset with Christi and set-up a solo face off between Chloe and Kendall at this week's competition. But these mind games take second place to Abby's primary focus, the return of Cathy and her Candy Apples.
Cathy is determined to take back the limelight after loosing to Abby at nationals, but Cathy's team has had more time to prep since they don't have to film a TV show. So Abby dedicates extra days for the girls to learn the group dance, and threatens that if they can't beat Candy Apples then she might as well replaces the whole team!
Quotes
“You said you're going to be Miss Piggy [for Halloween], I'm being a dumpster fire. I think that's going to be the most appropriate thing I can be. You can be a dumpster picker like me!” (1:43-1:50 | Christ & Kelly)“It was really cute because the girl who was helping me, you could tell she knew who I was and she was kind of fan-girling. And I was like, 'Ok listen, I don't know how to check this,' and she was like, 'I know I listen to the podcast.'" (9:03-9:16 | Christi)“I just want to point out that this competition was like invented for Dance Moms, now it's freaking huge! Huge! Oh really? They have like 40 to 70 competitions per year or some crap. Oh my I didn't know that. Yeah, so I just want to say you're welcome." (12:14-12:31 | Christi & Kelly)“This is where [Abby] turned to production and screamed: This is stupid because Kendall has dark hair and should be Katy Perry and Chloe is blond and should be Lady Gaga. This is dumb, dumb, dumb! Whose stupid idea was this?!" (20:10-20:26 | Christi)Links
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"There's nothing else happening during Pyramid so of course the kids are listening. I don't know, half the time I wasn't listening. I was just standing there pretending. I was thinking about rainbows and lollipops somewhere." As Kelly notes, there is very little you can do when Abby has already prepared to dampen the mood of your day, and on the second half of the Season 4 premiere Kelly has opted to turn on autopilot and wait out Abby's rage. But not everyone is so fortunate as the girls must still face the music at the end of the day.
Kendall is assigned to perform in a trio with Chloe and Paige, which Jill has mixed expectations for. On one hand it's an opportunity to stand out, which Jill believes is essential to getting Abby back on their good side and keeping Kendall on the team, but getting paired with the "troublemakers" also implies how little Abby thinks of her already. The joke is on Abby however as the Trio dance turns out to be one of the few bright spots in an otherwise lackluster showing by the ALDC at competition. Abby doesn't take this performance well, lecturing the girls once more about how they're all replaceable. She gets into a small fight with Leslie, whom finally pushes one too many buttons trying to get Payton on the team proper. Abby refers to Payton as a baby and when the girl ends up in tears Abby presses her on the matter and threatens that she needs to grow up or get lost.
Quotes
“The assistant in the room, like they were elbow deep in my [vagina], and she's like,' Oh my god I'm a big fan!' And I'm like OH MY GOD STOP! I'm like you're not a big fan. At least not at this moment.'” (14:01-14:17 | Christ & Kelly)“I just need everyone to know we were never comfy sitting up top. Not only were we emotionally drained but those stairs were not comfortable and that carpet was the cheapest carpet ever so it was itchy. So we didn't like it." (15:15-15:29 | Christi)“Holly's like Oh my god she clapped! And we're like,' Well, you know what? We all have ice skates cause hell just froze over." (21:44-21:51 | Christi & Kelly)“I'm like can we not use the word "groom" with children in any way shape or form? " (48:01-48:05 | Christi)Links
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“I felt bad for Brooke, I felt bad for Chloe…I felt bad. I really did. You can just tell that it’s an ugly, ugly, ugly time,” laments Christi as the ALDC returns for another season of Dance Moms. While the girls visibly seem to be older, Abby is still the same old Abby. That’s maybe not quite true, she does seem quite a bit meaner!
Abby reveals that she’s holding open auditions this season and states that everyone is replaceable. Everyone except Maddie of course, which Abby makes explicitly clear. Though it's clear this was meant to tee up Kelly's eventual exit from the show, Abby isn't content to just stir up the usual drama with only Kelly and Christi. At Pyramid Kendall is placed second, only moments late does Abby reveal her ruse that Nia is actually second and scolds Kendall for missing Booty Camp for vacation. Jill doesn't take kindly to this but Holly starts to feel as though Jill is attacking Nia over the situation. Meanwhile Brooke is late for practice as she instead befriends country singer Jana Kramer, which Abby attempts to take credit for setting up.
Quotes
“Dance Moms starts to go down [in ratings] and I think it started to go down after you leave and it just gets dark. And then I think, and this is not me just me saying this because I’m trying to be important, but I think it starts to really go down after I leave. Because the whole dynamic changes after you and I are gone.” (16:22-16:39 | Christ)“Booty camp is mandatory and team members knew about six months ahead of time. Correction, that is not true. We knew there was a booty camp, w e did not have dates. " (31:04-31:12 | Christi & Kelly)“Leslie acts like we weren’t really friends. We were friends! I’ve been to her house. I used to go to her restaurant with her. Me and Abby went to her restaurant together! Like I was friends with Leslie. I don’t know what happened." (41:23-41:42 | Christi & Kelly)“Giana comes into Studio A with a cake that says “Congratulations Maddie - 2013 National Title Winner”. Did you notice at the bottom of the cake it says “And the rest of the ALDC”? Did it? I didn’t read it, it was in microscopic letters. It’s like Maddie!!!!….and the rest of you guys.”" (43:13-43:34 | Christi)Links
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"The show is not getting any better for you and I at this point. The only thing that's going to get better is we're going to leave." says Christi, to which Kelly readily celebrates. But until that time comes our Bitches are still stuck in the middle of the "Hurricane Abby" reunion.
Abby storms out over her conversation with Kelly and the rest of the moms are brought in. Much is made about the pact the moms made to one another to not let their daughters perform for Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition and Melissa's breaking of said pact. Melissa claims she shouldn't have to be held to some agreement they made if it would provide better options for her kids. The only problem is no one forced her to agree to the pact at all and instead of simply making her intentions known she chose to lie instead. The discussion is not helped by Leslie and Kristie Ray who side with Melissa despite being out of the loop for the entire pact.
Jeff continues to jump around maddeningly from topic to topic. Kristie Ray and Jill fight? Sure! Holly vs Leslie on parenting? Why not! As a last ditch effort to liven the proceedings Jeff asks Kelly to leave so Abby will return to the stage. The kicker is that Kelly is being asked to leave just as Brooke is coming onstage to make her national singing debut. In fairness as long as Kelly doesn't have to share room space with Abby then a win is a win.
Quotes
“I can't stand when they always ask other moms to jump in because these other moms never know the whole "thing".” (22:18-22:23 | Christ)“We are so used. Yes we are the sex workers of the Dance Moms community." (32:48-32:56 | Christi & Kelly)“[Abby] said that for the last 25 out of 33 years she put her personal life on the back-burner and set her aspirations aside for the benifit of other people's children. That's her job! Everybody has to put stuff aside to do their job!" (42:58-43:11 | Christi & Kelly)“I felt like we had other [group dances] that were better. But honestly we did so many damn reunions, pre-reunions, post reunions that maybe we were running short on group dances that everyone was in." (48:54-49:05 | Christi)Links
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"Lucky we're recapping a really shitty episode today!" You know it's a bad one when Christi can't even start the recap without mentioning how bad it's going to be. Are any of you bitchettes surprised, it is a reunion episode after all! By far "Hurricane Abby" has got to be one of the roughest reunions yet as both Christi and Kelly are singled out without much support to fall back on.
This episode marks Christi's return to the studio after her big fight with Leslie in New Orleans and Jeff isn't about to let her live it down. Despite Christi's sincere attempts at an apology by owning up to her mistakes, Leslie is unwilling to acknowledge her own part in the conflict and paints Christi as a troublemaker who is trying to avoid owning up for her faults despite literally having just done so. Abby takes Leslie's side and claims Christi has yet to apology to the rest of the ALDC and even her own daughter,. This is just completely false, but because Abby is "the star" she can set the narrative, leaving Christi little room to plead her case.
Up next is Kelly who gets an earful from Abby about blocking the seats at the last competition. Kelly finds it ironic that the rules Abby holds up to Christi aren't ones she'd follow herself and Abby refuses to take responsibility for the incident. The conversation shifts to the time Kelly "snuck back in" to the the ALDC without Kelly being allowed to acknowledge that she only returned because she was under contract. Consequently Kelly is forced to be the bad guy once more. Will these moms ever get a fair shake?
Quotes
“I knew I was going to be the first one on. Which you never wanted to be the first one on the scene. I was watching and I was thinking like what bullshit that you had to go out then I had to go out... then Melissa, Holly and Jill got to go out together. Like it's so much easier when you're in a group." (12:21-12:45 | Christi & Kelly)“Leslie says the other moms are afraid to stand up to me. Um, I don't know if that's true. I feel like everybody stands up to eevrybody pretty well” (30:09-30:16 | Christ)“Brooke is an incredible dancer. Yeah, you're ruining it by being such a bitch!" (37:38-37:43 | Christi & Kelly)“If you don't want to go to competitions then don't be in charge of a competition team." (43:33-43:39 | Kelly)Links
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"An interview chair is fun for five minutes, but for twelve hours? Like being in the room with Abby having to interview her, a solid 40% of the time being on her phone with her lawyer because she doesn't want to answer one of the questions I'm asking? Telling me that I should have spent 15 more minutes doing my hair and make-up or listening to the stupid people in my ear? It's just like constant berating AND I was hungover. So it was a little bit of a disaster on Tuesdays." It's a special day at Back to the Barre as Christi and Kelly welcome Dance Moms Producer Annie Leonard to sit down and answer some questions and to set some records straight. Annie also offers a frank reality check that while she's friendly with our lovely Bitches, it was ostensibly her job to ruin their lives when possible since you can't make good TV without some conflict!
What does the Producer's job look like day to day? What was the most difficult aspect of producing Dance Moms and how did it compare to other reality shows? Which moms were the easiest to work with and which ones made a producer's job difficult? The answer to that last one may surprise you, so tune-in to find out the answers to the se questions and more!
Quotes
“There were a lot of things that we used to do in reality TV that you could get canceled for now. A lot of things on Dance Moms that you could get canceled for now. That's Dance Moms, every episode we did something we shouldn't have done." (04:49-05:01 | Kelly & Annie)“The EP gave this speech about not fraternizing with you guys and vice verca. I think there was some of that the season before and they were trying to curtail that or something? I think the fraternization was Kelly and I. Hehe, we were bad.” (13:26-13:40 | Christi, Kelly & Annie)“I felt like most of the time I was prepping Kelly she wasn't really listening to me. Ha, because I hated all of you!" (18:41-18:46 | Kelly & Annie)“[Cameraman] Eddie you could also tell he was a little bit of a partier. But he was holding his camera in the viewing room one day and one of our PAs was feeding him Top Ramen while he was filming. Which they loved." (26:30-26:44 | Annie)Links
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"I'm a horrible human being. Well no you aren't you have cancer so you have a pass right? Isn't that the way it goes? Yeah, and this is the cancer episode!" Well now that Kelly has an excuse and Christi is still AWOL on the second half of the Dance Moms Cares Special, it should be smooth sailing from here with no more infighting. Right? Abby even has to step out to care for her mother, thereby giving the moms some Abby free time, things have to be smoothing sailing from here. Well it never is as easy as one would hope, this is Dance Moms after all!
The day of the competition arrives and the moms find themselves waiting in a gymnasium for a change, leading to some reminiscing about their days as cheerleaders. But the happy times are short lived as Leslie continues her stand-off with Kelly, whom she sees as an obstacle in Payton's path onto the team. The moms are still confused by Leslie's insistence that Payton be included, as she's clearly out of place with the rest of the girls in both height and age, but Leslie doesn't back down. The moms also point out that it isn't a fair match between Chloe and Payton since Payton has had months to prep her dance compared to Chloe's few days, but once again nothing will sway Leslie from getting her daughter the spot she feels she deserves.
Quotes
“People ask all the time: Were these fans real or did production set them up? It's both. I think they came to see us but they gathered them all together so they were all in one spot when we arrived." (12:04-12:16 | Christi & Kelly)“Holly says this is a wonderful opportunity for the girls to express themselves using dance, give back to the community and hopefully find a cure for breast cancer. Which kid is looking for the cure? I don't know but one of you need to find it.” (14:38-14:51 | Christi & Kelly)“It was astounding when those kids won as much as they did because you are literally dancing against people who do nothing but the same dance over and over and over and over and over and over..." (23:29-23:43 | Christi)“Maddie gets first place for her solo...Maddie. Maddie gets Maddie, Maddie and Maddie gets Maddie in the first place for the Maddie category." (34:06-34:13 | Christi)Links
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"Jersey Shore is not doing this shit. Teen Mom is not doing this shit. No, the Dance Moms are. Housewives they would never!" Christi notes as there really is no other show on TV that would make someone unbox a stuffed Broadway Baby, who makes their grand return to haunt all those who lay eyes on it.
This week we jump ahead just a little bit to the first half of the "Dance Moms Care Special", which aired during Season 4 but was filmed immediately after Nationals. You can tell it was filmed right after Nationals because Christi is nowhere to be found, still enjoying some time on the beach while Abby decided last-minute to enter the ALDC into an Atlantic City competition to support the fight against breast cancer. It's a topic that hits close to home for Abby whose mother has been battling cancer for some time. The moms agree to take a mammogram for the program, the results of which are eerily predictive given Kelly's current diagnosis. We'd like to use this opportunity to remind all of you that preventative treatment is the answer, please get checked-up!
Maddie is presented with a solo entitled "Maddie" that's a tribute to... well Maddie. It's truly the zenith of Abby's favoritism towards Maddie, enough so that Jill seems to finally catch on! Elsewhere Leslie continues to try and stir up trouble with the other moms, determined to make the most of Payton's limited time as Chloe's replacement on the team.
Quotes
“We're all getting some very much needed R&R. Rest and relaxation. But I made a commitment a long time ago to take place in a very very special Starbound event. No it was last week, but ok." (20:18-20:28 | Christi)“I think it was Love Island. Someone was like what happens if you get sick and they're like oh the producer said come when you're better. And I'm like what show is that!? cause that is not the experience I had.” (34:01-34:11 | Christi)“We had an overwhelming response to my new store. There's a line around the building and down the block. Do you think that they were excited to meet the cast of Dance Moms? I'm just guessing!" (43:30-43:39 | Christi)“Listen, I'll tell you what. If there's one thing the Dance Moms are good at, it is good at making up a reason why there is pressure." (54:48-55:04 | Christi)Links
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"Those kids on that team want to beat you! Yeah I kind of think thats what happens when everyone there wants to beat you." On the second half of "The Big, Not So, Easy", its finally time for the ALDC and the Candy Apples to go head to head. "Coincidently" both teams show up at the same time, and the Candy Apples take up the opportunity to throw some shade over their missing members. Undeterred, the girls go out to give it their best.
Mackenzie goes first with Dance Doctor, with the aim of retaking her title from the previous year. She does exceptionally well, but to the shock of both Abby and Melissa she fails to take first place. We don't get to see the child who did win, but Melissa assures the audience it was a phenomenal dance (though as Christi and Kelly point out, it was very unlikely Melissa saw that performance at all). Following her is Kendall with VooDoo Doll, and while she pulls it off with grace, the number was clearly choreographed with Chloe in mind and falls short of overtaking Maddie, who stuns with Amazing Grace for first.
It all comes down to the ALDC group number Home Again and Candy Apple's entree VooDoo. The results of who won may not be surprising if you see the clear signals the show puts out, but Christi and Kelly's opinion of who should have won may surprise you!
Quotes
“We've come a long way with social media because if I had said to you in 2012, 'Hey Kel, some day you['re going to have to record on your computer, and know how to work things named Audacity and use headphones, you would have been like fuck you I'm not doing that. I don't know how to work any of it.' I still pretty much say fuck you I don't want to do it!" (11:52-12:12 | Christi & Kelly)“He came out and he's like, 'What's going on, where are you going?' and I'm like, 'Oh I just got kicked out.' For what? And I said I got in a street fight, and he said... I remember him very vividly saying, 'Well isn't that what they want?'” (21:58-22:09 | Christi)“I texted Cathy today and I said,' Hey, watching Season 3 of Dance Moms Nationals for the podcast. Honestly? I think you got robbed.'" (39:52-40:04 | Christi)“Everybody is dancing now before awards to "The Saints Go Marching In". No one on Dance Moms has any buisness dancing to a saint song, just saying." (44:09-44:18 | Christi)Links
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