Episódios
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Squawking and Balking at you good-for-nothings all the way from Beef Tallow (Hallow), Michigan, where Jessica Stimps holds the Tallow Tiara high and the Beef Tallow Tambourines make light the burden of existence!
Join Bobby, Dan, and True American Idiot Dusty White as they watch the moon glow and the sun show on such topics as The Balkanization of Western PA, giving credit to borrowed jokes (stealing) and Lea Thompson's somewhat unfortunate 80's roles involving time travelers and also ducks! Later, the lads rate and review a libel-palooza of cards that's more stress inducing than jumping Annulment River Canyon! Listen on that commute you can't stop talking about!
Also, we mentioned Jeff Jakob's newest album "The Milk Barn Sessions", and you'd be a Lord & Taylor of a fool to not check it out on Spotify, Apple Music, and wherever good streaming music is heard!
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Here's an idea: Bobby, Dan, and returning guest/friend of the pod/ co-host of Take Us to the Pilot, JJ Focaraccio, embark to see a recut of the 1979 Tinto Brass erotic historical drama, Caligula, titled Caligula: The Ultimate Cut (2023). Imagine our high hopes and anticipations. Imagine those being dashed, and replaced with all types of bad stuff. Imagine that we couldn't be bothered with the frivolity of cards for one week, and we all had to sit down and talk through the flesh-filled fright of a film that we had all seen, together.
Stop imagining. No seriously, your eyes are not completely closed and they're doing that darting-around thing. Why do you do that? Why are you like this?
Enjoy us trying to cope with having seen this film and also having paid for it! Bonus points if you tell us how many times we said "Lawnmower Wall", cuz it felt like a bunch!
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Don't throw the baby out with the yogurt water, because this episode promises a well-maintained culture that you have to digest slowly to believe!
Join Bobby, Dan, and everyone down at Uncle Termite's Card Barn as they make do with what they have, which includes Tub Parts, Twister vs. Predator, and sexy negative comments! Later, the lads rate and review a multi-dimensional card that reminds us that UFOs (Unidentified Flower Objects) are out there, and it's mostly our ignorance regarding flowers that make them that.
Special shout out to the Jersey City Pelicans With Knives in Their Mouths! Flavor Up, Chumps!
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Bobby's got a lot of zingers to go through on both his Cameo and OnlyHate request pile (and most of them involve Napoleon's Continental System), so let's blow through this once-again-long-winded episode description, shall we?
Join Bobby, Dan, and Sylvia Plath, Patron Saint of Cleveland, as they wind down the hot summer nights with such topics as Cleveland.com, the death of the JustWink App, and The Wagon Leech! Later, the lads rate and review a bunch of stuff, some digital, some analogue, its very slurpee-focussed and they veer off a bit to disagree about "Unfrosted". And something hilarious happens in the Zoom chat.
That's about all the leg work this episode description will do for you, I got kids at the Samantha from Sex and The City Boba Fett Pig Camp to forget to pick up.
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There's nothing particularly steamy about this episode, but boy do we not stop alluding to the potential innuendos!
Join Bobby, Dan, and special guest Mike Molinari as they hem and haw on throat-singing to newborns, aunt werewolves, and "juicy sentences". Later, the lads rate and review a tactile puppet card that may just be the the literary connection between John Steinbeck and Fern Gully!
Does that make any sense? The heck do you care? Since when did you all of a sudden become the "this has gotta make sense" police??
Remember, most stuff is trash!
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From your Lips to Rover Cleveland's Mouth!Join resident paleontologist Bobby, resident Ursonologist Dan, and Bobby Anxiety (a third person, promise!) as they tear up the high seas talking about regional pronunciation troubles, bloodletting children at barbershops, and the Blubbosphere! Later, the lads rate and review the Bobby/Maddie Greeting Card Onion of Chaos! Let's unpack their love story, in cards! Together! But you just listen, okay?!
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It's been 10 whole freakin' cards, and while Bobby and Dan are in sunny Maiorca, trying to patch up the ragged quilt that is their professional relationship with bubbly wine and even bubblier fish, the therapist did say that a return to the ole' Greeting Card Bazaar wouldn't hurt! May even help!
So invite yourself a daughter-Mamet and join the lads as they discuss the writing closet, Hunk Fortuna, and toilets full of ambrosia! If that doesn't scare you off, then surely you can stick around for them to rank the past 10 cards for an hour! With any luck, we'll have GreetsGiving VII in less than 6 months (no promises)!
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Happy Mother's Day in July! What really ages this episode is us talking about Red Lobster like those are still a thing!
Join Bobby, Dan, and Cheerleader Morgue heartthrob Kelp Cunnigan as they hack away at the humidity with more tree holidays, fast food slogans, and woke pemmican! Later, these lads rate and review a card that does nothing to clarify relationships with parents and what we inherit from them, and instead is fodder for the puns you ding-dongs all know and tolerate!
Try Bobby's Toast: Deep As Night, Crunchy as all Hell.
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Cast your Stained Armstrongs to the wind, because we got a medium-height 5-pack of Mica-Lobe Ultras and also probably a card to to beat this early summer heat, whether yourt a country mouse or a suburb gerbil!
Join Bobby, Dan, and the demon Joesixpack as they keep cool with such topis as free stuff on the street, medicine to share, and the concept of owning those items that require spit collectors. Later, the lads rate and review a card that may help with the philosophical quandries relating to time, but it sure wont help with getting to sleep!
Your favorite wrestler might be a panda!
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We're whispering our way to victory, and not dying!
Join Bobby, Dan, and secret 3rd mic Dev Brindle (nee Brangle) as we become true heroes in a half shell over topics like: songs that will save us from Last of Us Monsters, PG Live 2024 (and our lack of invitation to it), and a tall glass of whiskey tequila on the rocks. Later, the lads rate and review a card that all at once is balm and irritant to our wounds, maybe the same wound, maybe different. What are we, our wounds' keepers now?
Some Boxes Shouldn't be Opened!
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It's the best worst season for just about anything, so lighten your load and attempt to decongest your sinuses with the cornucopia of greetings we have in store!
Join Bobby, Dan, and the entire team behind Ba'al Omelettes (from Nabisco) as we clear through the spring clutter with topics like not dressing properly, and being cool at one point. We don't make it to a third topic however, as dive right into the justWink greeting card app and all the unrequested grab bag of fun it has to offer! Worth it's wait in Beefed Corn!
Remember, everything you think is true!
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Thanks to another totally not rigged election, Babs and Din get another 45 years as co-hosts of the podcast! So buckle up, because audio-wise, we got you over an egg-barrel!
Join 49.99999% Bobby, 48.75% Dan, and 1.02% Hupp Dhips (write-in) as they scrim and shaw over topics like card stashes, the fun type of people at the grocery store that buy Ore Ida curly fries, and who gets Bobby's wisdom teeth in the Patreon rewards list (don't check, it doesn't exist). Later, these savory sailors rate and review a whale of a card, while sharing our polarizing views on that big blue nightmare void that is the ocean! Comforting!
Purchased at Print Bookstores in Portland, Maine!
Created by Emily Winfield Martin! (sorry we called you an ocean ghost, you have a name as powerful as the sea)
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Valentine's Day may have been a little over a month ago now, but this episode fits squarely in the "Cringe Kitsch Timeless" category, so we're not taking any notes on tardiness! Besides, this is on-brand for us now.
Join Bobby, Dan, and new hero of the cards @mesaloca (wherever your are) as we pull on each others' heartstrings with such topics as money souvenirs, wolf festivals, and finding your Wayne Knight on the Heart Candy Day. Later, the lads dig deep into Big Man's Creek™ (aka the internet) to rate and review and ancient rune of a card, one that makes permanent early internet humor and references "one of the sexier clowning professions". Bobby's words. And you know what? Mine too. This is Dan.
Pee My Mime's Day!
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Are all of YOUR dreams just your regular waking routine, except a little bit wackier? We hope that doesn't involve listening to this, as that would be cheating us somehow!
Join Bubby Bobby, Can't Speak Dan, and all the Latter Day Dinos as they pass the time on subjects like Zoom Smell Technology, February holiday crowding, and whether or not Gen A is getting into grapefruit! Later, in celebration of Black History Month, our hosts rate and review a card that makes them feel warm and supported, even though they are not the target audience! That's how good it is!
Shut Up, I Love You, Okay?!
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We're a month into the not-at-all blessed year of 2024, so while that new year smell is still pungent, lets merry up this in-between holiday time with some youth sports trauma-dumping, shall we??
Join Babysitter(Club) Bobby, Baby New Year Dan, and Lunch Lady DearHunter as we huddle over a heaping trash can fire fueled with Frieza's advent calendar, media about making snowmen come alive, Gigan, Girlgan, NonBinaryGan, and Chester Cheetah's Build-a-Bear! Later, the lads rate and review a cute and wholesome card that is super great for literally one occasion, one time, and basically one place!
Ignore Your Loved Ones, Record Your Voice!
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Alright, yes, we're really riding on our non-existent reputation with the delay on this one, but trust me, once we get into the climate change talk you'll be grateful that we waited until the bleakness of early February to get this one to your hopeful ears!
Join Bobby, Dan, and Aunt Hairdresser Blendle as they make light the burden of the season with Pokemon parodies, Bad-Tameters, and a frank discussion on a changing global climate and how a holiday may reflect that.
Also, the Great-Honorable Bobby has a new piece out in the Tulip Tree Review!! Make worthy your listenership by ordering your copy today!!
We also talk about a card! it's about hairdressers, and appreciating them! We shouldn't have to spell it out in the description!
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Dan's inability to keep to a regular editing schedule is YOUR good fortune, ding-dongs! For we have every intention of keeping the Grog-Nogging, Honda-Day spirit rolling, right to the end of January, the bleaker of the winter months (short of Bobby's birthday, of course)!
Join Bobby, Dan, and Late Night Gumby as they go through such scary ghost stories and tales of such glories as nepo baby G.I. Joe characters, Dan yelling about fandoms again, and us trying to popularize the phrase "new son just dropped". Later, the lads rate and review a card straight from the documentary classic The Baton Marching-Death of the Penguins. A perfect choice for BirdSpringa!
Overall, Be Prepared, I think!
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We hear no boats come sailing in, except for the long-awaited H.M.S. Greetsgiving dingy, spewing forth with Hogsheads filled with greeting cards for one and all in this new year!
Join Admiral Bobby, 2nd Mate Dan, and the entire cast of Caligula (aka our cabin crew) as we ring in the Greetsgiving with Roman Pilum and Lion Units, sad Irish upbringings, and a gentle-yet-constant reminder that episodes will come out whenever this captain's crew damn well pleases!
But hey, we're here now, so lets review the past 14 cards!
We're neither terribly impressed nor frightened, and we hope you aren't either!
Stay tuned for some insanely-late holiday episodes, coming on the next barge in!
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Yes, okay, look, fine, it took us (and by us we mean Dan) a month to get one episode out, but what better way to completely forget about Thanksgiving and barrel straight through to the holiday season than with a little visit down to the Duluth of the podcast superhighway!
Join DJ Bobby, D.J. Conroy, and special guest DJ/ friend of the pod/ very tall friend/co-host of Take Us to the Pilot JJ Focaraccio as we talk and squawk on such topics as The Garofalo Renaissance, cards' use as a romantic device, and meeting the designated lonely person in every municipality! Later, the lads rate and review a pig of a card that's all gas, no class! (not that it matters, we fill most of the hour talking about bubble gum. You know us too well.)
Stay tuned for the first ep. of Dan's CryCast! Let's see how that goes! Or better yet, go listen to the pros at Take Us to the Pilot with JJ Focaraccio and Keith St. Lawrence!
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Yes Yes it's Nov. 8th, but we're still stuck in the bouncy castle inside the haunted mansion that is Halloween merriment, so unless you got some kind of anti-haunting mechanism, or too much holy water, you best follow us three for one more scare of the season, lest you j'regret everything!
Join "Still Spooky" O'Rourke, "Frog in Throat" Conroy, and returning guest Dara Silverman as they rattle their bones on such topics as the Rodent and Duck craze-decades, Scary thresholds, and rebuttals on whether you are celebrating holidays too early! Later, these funky phantoms rate and review a balanced scale of cards. One is cute. The other is a joke about piss. There's your scary story. Now back in the bed-coffin, Dardanelle.
Pick up your copy of Ray Bradbury's "Legs That Ran through Ice Cream Fields" today!
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