Episódios
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It's Making History: Christmas Kids Edition! Our Family Ministry team shares the Christmas story in a fun, creative way to help your kids understand the true meaning of Christmas. We encourage you to hop in the car, go look at Christmas lights in your town, and get lost in this amazing, true story. Merry Christmas!
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SHOW NOTES:
Genesis 25Isaac, Abraham’s son, married Rebekah. Rebekah was barren. God heard Isaac’s prayers and Rebekah became pregnant with twin boys. We see again this theme of a woman’s barrenness and are reminded that children are a gift from God. God told Rebekah there were two nations in her womb. He made it clear to her “this situation was bigger than you.” Do we look at our kids as being part of a bigger story than just that of our individual family? There’s a difference between favoritism and connection. It’s ok to have a connection with your kids, acknowledge it, and lean into it (ie: dad played baseball, one child shows an affinity for baseball—naturally they spend special time together). However, it’s important for parents to be wary of a connection turning into a show of favoritism.Genesis 27We see Rebekah’s deception and favoritism establishing a behavioral pattern that is evident within this patriarchal family of our faith through the remainder of the book of Genesis. Genesis 37The connections that give you a commonality with one child over another can EASILY create jealousy and competition. There is an enmity between Jacob and Esau. Be aware of how your children are feeling. We see clear patterns of barrenness, favoritism, and deception within families in the Bible, and this is one of the reasons the Bible is so accurate and trustworthy. It doesn’t shy away from telling you the bad parts. It’s showing us the worst of this family, not just painting a rosy picture of humanity. How do you break family patterns you don’t want to repeat? You can’t break it if you don’t first acknowledge it. You don’t repent from something you don’t think is wrong.Hurtful patterns must be met head-on. Some things we can flesh out with prayer and Bible study. And some patterns will require the help of a wise counselor—maybe a little, maybe a lot. That’s ok. Don’t be afraid of that. It’s intentional, and important.Be a student of your kids. If you don’t have a natural connection with a child, how are you discovering who they are? There’s a reason quality time is a love language. Connections are one thing, but favoritism is another. Communication is the burden of the sender, not the receiver. If our children are interpreting the time spent or invest made with a sibling as favoritism, it’s up to us to communicate better and differently with them.BIG IDEAS:There are Biblically-established patterns of behavior within families. The Bible also shows the ability of a family’s story to be redeemed.Whatever we have to do to eliminate competition between siblings—facilitating our children loving each other, liking each other, and having each other when we, as parents, are gone—is essential work. -
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Back StoryIf you haven’t already listened to Episode 30, go do that now! We learned about Abram and Sarai, God’s promise to them, and the way they decided to take matters into their own hands. This choice resulted in Ishmael, an offspring of Abram that was not the promised son and father of nations God had originally intended. God changed Abram’s name to Abraham, and Sarai’s name to Sarah. Genesis 21Abraham and Sarah did eventually have their own son, Isaac. Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was born. Isaac means “laughter.”God’s faithfulness to fulfill his promises even in the face of the impossible was something Abraham got to witness at the very beginning of Isaac’s life.There are plenty of examples in ancient texts of how important children were to these people. They valued them, prioritized them, celebrated them, and protected them.Genesis 22God commanded Abraham to take his son and offer him as a burnt sacrifice.The Hebrew noun olah (עֹלָה) means "that which goes up [in smoke]." It is formed from the active participle of the verb alah (עָלָה), "to cause to ascend." There was already a picture in the ancient world of burning things as a religious practice—the idea being that we can’t ascend to God but our offerings can. So the idea of burning an offering being a worship principle is essential here.The burnt offering was also sometimes called a Kaliyl, which means “entirety” or “whole”—as in give the WHOLE offering to God. The heart behind this practice being that our whole lives, everything about us, and that which is most important to us should be offered to God.The test here was for Abraham to prove that he loved God more than his son. Isaac was about 14 years old at this time. This seemed like God interrupting his promise—that Isaac would be the father of nations—with a test.Question: Have you ever had that moment when God tried to take back the thing He gave? How weird is it that this child of promise and provision was suddenly something God could have rightfully removed.I think some of us, any of us, who are incited that God would deal with his called-out servant this way don’t quite understand His place in our lives and His power over life.“On the 3rd day of the journey, [Abraham] saw the place.” Imagine you’re Abraham, traveling for three days, agonizing over the thought of what God has asked you to do. Abraham was willing to go all the way because he trusted God. Chapters before, God had already labeled Abraham’s faith as righteousness. Abraham was labeled righteous long before he was called to be obedient. His acceptance came long before this test.There’s a symbolic connection between Isaac & Jesus—on the 3rd day Isaac was taken as a sacrifice. Jesus was in the grave for 3 days. Abraham was confident that God himself would provide the lamb—and in the gospels, that’s exactly what happened. It’s easy to be outraged reading the passage where Abraham binds his son and lays him on the altar. But don’t apply our modern sensibilities to this ancient meaning, don’t read what isn’t there...do trust what is.As parents, if we aren’t careful, kids can become the thing we don’t lay down before the Lord. Where we start to “worship” our kids. Worshipping the provision, not the provider.Worshipping a seed over the SaviorWhat are the ways parents worship their kids?There is a lot of temptation to make our kids the primary focus of our lives—orienting our lives, schedules, and finances around them. It’s God-ordained to want the best for your kids and to want to invest in your kids. It’s a high calling to be provider and protector for your kids. But consider for a moment—what does “protection” really mean? Does it mean we spare our children all possible pain in life?
Would you say God is a good father? He’s the best father, but He didn’t spare His son. And yet, we won’t sacrifice ours for God’s will in our lives. In Hebrew language, the word for obedience (shama) also means “to hear.” So if you HEAR God, you obey him. We want to shield our kids, and by choosing to do so we inadvertently are using them as an excuse to not step out in faith. How often are we shielding our kids from a blessing because we’re not willing to make them pay a price. Kids need to feel the sacrifice of time & effort, and experience the cost and financial trade-off of WHOLE LIFE worship. David said “ I will not give to God that which costs me nothing.” 1 Samuel 24:24
We vacate the idea of us being able to worship God because we’re afraid that it’s going to cost our children something… when they can actually be a part of the worship themselves. We shouldn’t insulate our kids from feeling or experiencing worship - in the same manner that we should never let them feel as if they are the object of it.Big Ideas:God does test us, and it’s ok. It is His absolute right to test us, and when He does, it’s an opportunity to express our faith in Him. There should be nothing we withhold from God. What does that mean for a whole family? We can model giving everything to God for our kids. And this may require us re-orienting some priorities in our lives. We’re laying a lot down at the altar of our kids. -
SHOW NOTES:
Back StoryYears before, God had called Abram to take his wife, Sarai, and property and move away from his family. They made their way to Egypt and God blessed them along the way. At some point on this journey, they acquired Hagar. Sarai was old, and barren. But the Lord’s covenant said that Abram would father nations. Sarai decided to take matters into her own hands, and offered Hagar to Abram to be his wife. In this culture, women would have blamed themselves for infertility. It would have been a mark of shame on them in their community, and a sign of sin in their lives. So while we give Sarai a bad rap for taking matters into her own hands, it is relatable that she stepped in when God delayed a promise. Genesis 16After Abram took Hagar to be his wife, she did conceive. Inevitably, tension arose between Hagar and Sarai, and Hagar ran away. Hagar ran from her problem. We do that, and it’s easy to teach your kids to do that if you run from things that are challenging.An angel of the Lord told Hagar to go back. This angel also told Hagar to name her son Ishmael, and told her he would be like a wild donkey. Parents of strong-willed children can relate! Even in the Bible, kids were hard, and it was not an easy job to raise them. Ishmael, Hagar’s son, is the father of the Arab nation. Hagar said “you are the God who sees me.” It matters that we know God sees us, right where we are. Our journeys are never removed from Him. God gets it. He sees where you are—raising a strong-willed child, a disabled child, etc.—and He understands it. Here we are in Genesis, at the beginning of history, but there’s already so much grace and mercy coming from God, who invites us to be a part of the story. Genesis 21Abram is now Abraham. Sarai is now Sarah.
Hagar has had Ishmael. Sarah has had Isaac. There are 14 years between the two boys. There’s a modern day application here—a blended family. Each blended family faces a different set of challenges. In this particular example, there’s jealousy and tension, and Abraham is in the middle of it. He experiences his own “God’s got this” moment. Hagar is pushed out because of the jealousy and tension. As a now single parent, she realizes she doesn’t have everything she needs to care for her child. God is gentle and merciful with Hagar. He hears the boy’s cries. Just how He saw Hagar in Chapter 16,He now shows He hears us. He hears us when we are in distress, when we don’t know how to care for our kid, when you are watching your child struggle, when your child is making agonizing choices. As parents, you can’t take away your child’s pain—as much as you may want to. As in Chapter 16, here in Chapter 21 God instructs Hagar to go back toward her problem. God calls us to be hands-on and engage. Don’t run from your problems—face them head-on. Do it alongside the God who loves you, sees you, and hears you. As parents, it’s easy to feel like you’re parenting on your own. Remember God knows them better than you do. The only way we are able to see what God is doing and hear and respond to what God is doing, is because we know He’s the God who first sees us, the God who first hears us, and the God who first loved us. In this passage God provided for Hagar and Ishamel physically, by providing water, and spiritually—“God was with the boy as he grew up.” God fulfilled his promises to Hagar and Ishmael, and in that He’s creating a purpose. Big Ideas/Takeaways: God sees and hears you. He knows you and your kids better than you do. He wants us to be hands-on. -
QUESTIONS WE ASK:
What have been some of the challenges along the way in your parenting as a single mother? What are things that you wish you would have known early on that would have been so helpful to you? What have you learned about yourself over the years?What have you learned about God?What is the greatest piece of advice you were given?What would you tell people who are trying to figure out how to single parent their children?HIGHLIGHTS:
When Shana’s son, Sam, was in early high school, she realized their home was not a safe place. She realized three things: “I needed God. I needed to be healthy. I needed help because the other two things seemed so far out of my grasp.” This shifted my whole approach to life, which led to the end of my marriage and to me being a single parent. The biggest and most immediate challenge is the lack of partnership. There’s a void there. Couple that with all the responsibility that goes into raising a child, managing a home, and managing finances, being intentionally available and present as a parent and it is NOT easy. “I was processing things spiritually, physically, and emotionally at the same time [as Sam]. It was overwhelming, exhausting, hard, and an incredibly lonely place to be... I felt unrelatable and irrelevant because what I had structured as my life was gone.”Be honest and open about where you are, with people around you and with your kids. You don’t have to hide your mess—they’re going to see it anyway. It gives you an opportunity to model behavior to your kids—for example, with finances. You can talk to them about how things are tight this month, or how you aren’t sure how to manage things. You are showing them how to accept things in life that are hard, and watch you pray over them and work to figure them out. Extend grace to yourself. You’re not going to be perfect at everything. You’re going to make mistakes. The question is how you respond to it. If you blow up or disagree with your kids, apologize. Show them that example of humility. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that.” or “I meant what I said, but not how I said it. Can we try again?”Allow your kids to join the journey. It’s hard to let your kids see you be resilient in your faith. Your kids cannot develop a resilient faith unless they see you modeling it. God has equipped you to parent your child the way no one else could. He will meet you where you are to succeed. You have a voice, and it’s really important to use it. You were created very purposefully. God will always do what is GOOD for us—that doesn’t mean it’s going to be comfortable. Pray “I want what You want for me, even though it might not be easy, or comfortable. And at the end of the day I know that You are good. That is a truth. So I want what You want for me.”No matter what your day entails, how hard it was, how tired you are, what else is left on your list to do—give your kids ten minutes a day where your focus is entirely on them. Turn off your phone, remove any distractions, and spend that time solely on them. It won’t feel like just ten minutes to them. When you are feeling alone, remember the Holy Spirit is always right there with you, walking alongside you. Find other adults to pour into your kids in ways you can’t. Single moms, pray for Godly men to be in your son’s life to meet those needs. Single dads, pray for Godly women to be in your daughter’s life to meet those needs. No matter where you are on the journey, don’t miss the blessing. Nurture your relationship with God. If you don’t know what that is, find out. Pray. Pray over your children, for the people they hang out with, that they’ll be caught if they’re not behaving, pray for Godly mentors to be brought into their lives to provide what you can’t. Pray for yourself to have wisdom, to have mental and emotional fortitude, to be able to raise your kids in a healthy environment. Take care of yourself spiritually, physically, socially, and emotionally. -
QUESTIONS WE ASK:
Can you tell us a little about your adoptive story? What are things you wish you would have known as you went through the adoptive process? Once you received the kids into your home, what were the challenges you faced along the way?What did you learn about each other and your marriage?What have you learned about God in this process?What is the greatest piece of advice you were given?What would you tell people who are looking to jump into adoption?HIGHLIGHTS:
Dave and Katie Styblo have three children, two who they fostered to adopt. They always felt that adoption was something the Lord called them to do, and then through a series of “God winks” were led down the path toward becoming foster parents. Their oldest two children were in their home as a DCS placement for a year and a half before their situation moved toward adoption. Their biological son was born two months after the adoption was finalized. When fostering a child, there are a lot of obligations with appointments (doctors, dentists, counseling, court, DCS). It can be almost a full time job, and you want to do it well because many of these children are behind on pieces of this care. These kids don’t necessarily understand that their birth mom and dad, and home situation, are not healthy. No matter how traumatic the situation they’ve come from, in many cases it’s all they’ve ever known, so they do long to go home. On the flip side, in a children’s mind, stability and routine equate to safety, which can make children eager to stay in their foster situation. DCS is overwhelmed and understaffed. The process can be slow. Certain elements can be frustrating. The timing is completely out of your control, and you need to mentally prepare yourself for this. These children have had to care for themselves, in some way. As a foster parent, you will need to re-set boundaries with them to ensure they’re safe—needing to check in with a parent, not making all of their own decisions, etc. Many foster children have a “fight or flight” mentality. When faced with challenges, they fight back and can be more argumentative than other kids. Alternatively, they shut down or, in some cases, literally flee the situation. It’s important to de-escalate situations and take some time out early into a conflict, because these kids tend to get more emotional about things than kids who have not experienced the foster system. Fostering and adoption will test your marriage. There are lots of opportunities for division and friction. It’s important that you remain in a triangle with the Lord, each pursuing Him individually and coming closer together as you do. God needs to be your rock, your connection and your foundation. In this way you will avoid pitfalls. You want to put kids at the center of your marriage, but it’s more important to keep the Lord there. God has put these kids in your lives for a reason, as a gift, and there’s only so much you can do. You do the best you can, and the rest is in God’s hands. “God loves [our kids] way more than both of us combined. They’re His. Having that mindset makes it easier to trust Him with them, and to trust Him with our family as a whole.”Say yes to the Lord, and then allow Him to open and close doors after that. Be a willing servant. Have the viewpoint that these kids really do belong to the Lord. They are His, on loan. He is allowing you to care for them, sometimes just for a season, and sometimes for their lives. He’s got them, and He is partnering with you to shepherd and raise them. There are tough days, when you question if you made the right choice, when kids you’ve loved for a season leave, when kids fight back and are hard. Cling to the Yes Jar: make a jar of simple options you would never say “no” to (stickers, healthy snacks, a piece of gum, etc.). When these kids who have been told “no” a lot and have not had a lot come to you wanting something, they learn they can always have something from that jar. This is a fun way to be able to affirm them, and to let them hear “yes,”no matter the time of day. The kids in foster care did not make the choices that created the situation from which they needed to be removed. They want and deserve to be loved by somebody. Our job is to love them well. Find a community, and surround yourself with a village of believers. Not only will these people be the ones who bring meals, provide childcare, and give hand-me-downs, but they’ll surround you, advise you, pray for you, and support you. We truly believe that, while not everyone is called to adopt, the Bible mandates EVERYONE is called to care for widows and orphans in SOME way. Being the village for someone fostering and adopting is obeying that command from God. We are all a part of the story. Find other adults who will pour into your kids and help and encourage them on their spiritual journey. -
QUESTIONS WE ASK:
When your two families became one, what were the challenges you faced along the way?In that process of blending two families, what are things you wish you would have known?What have you learned about each other and your marriage?What have you learned about God in this process?What is the greatest piece of advice you were given?What would you tell people who are trying to figure a blended family out?HIGHLIGHTS:
Joel is the Worship Pastor at the Rolling Hills Nashville Campus. Tiffany works for Baptist Collegiate Ministries (BCM) at Vanderbilt University in Nashville. Together they have four daughters—both brought two from previous marriages.When two divorced individuals start to date, it’s not just about them, their feelings, and their emotions if there are kids in the mix. You don’t want to create more drama for your kids, so you don’t want your kids to get attached to someone unless you feel really strongly that there’s a potential future there. Your kids have already dealt with the loss of a relationship, in their own way. You don’t want to watch them deal with that kind of loss all over again, if it doesn’t work out with the person you’re dating.Single parents don’t really have time to casually date. It seems counter-cultural, but we had conversations really early on that were BIG conversations—we even went so far as to say that this wasn’t going in the direction of marriage, there was no point in fostering the relationship at all. In a blended family with kids that have a wide range of ages, it’s a challenge to find something that we can do together as a family. The older kids really have to be gracious about doing things the younger kids want to do or are capable of doing. Knowing that there is going to be difficulty in marriage might make it easier to navigate, but the emotional difficulties can still catch you off-guard. Something that is completely innocuous can trigger a memory or a hurt from your past relationship, and you begin to insert value into a situation that wasn’t there in your current one. Your kids aren’t going to embrace your relationship and this new family dynamic at the same pace you are. They might be all-in one day, and not at all the next. And even though you know that this is a completely natural response on their part, it doesn’t always make it easy to navigate. There’s a difference between equal and equitable. When you have kids, there’s really no such thing as “equal.” You have to parent each child in a way that is appropriate for their personality. You’d do that in any family. But when you have a blended family like ours, we have two kids that are in our house 100% of the time, and two kids who are in our house 50% of the time. Two of these kids have four parental figures in their lives, who are offering advice and making sure their needs are met. So when it comes to the things we buy, things we do, and even how we discipline, we’ve had to learn that there’s a difference between equal and equitable. We have to manage parenting the younger two, who are with us all the time, and parenting the older two, who are being co-parented. We want the best for every one of them, but that looks very different on a child-by-child basis. We wish someone had made a point to tell us “don’t get easily offended.” Still, two plus years into our marriage our kids will say “goodnight mom” or “goodnight dad” but not address the one of us that isn’t their biological parent. And that’s not to fault the kids, but early on that was something that would have really offended us. It caught us off guard, to not be the biological parent but want to be recognized in that role. God is a redeemer, and there is so much hope in that. We are shaped by our past experiences, but we’re not defined by them. Statistics show that second marriages have an even worse track record than first marriages. But seeing the way God has redeemed our pasts gives me a lot of hope that even if we encounter something in our relationship that seems insurmountable, that He’s going to be faithful to redeem that, as well. What an amazing picture of grace and providence.I shouldn’t give into regret, or let the past rule, because that’s what led us to each other.Our past experiences actually help us walk our kids through the realities and complications of being kids in a blended family. We help them see “this is the hand you’ve been dealt, this is the life that you have, and how can you see the goodness of the Lord in that?” Our faith is deeper because we’ve been tested. It’s the faith that’s tested that produces endurance.The Lord can ALWAYS re-write your story even better than you imagined it. As a divorced individual or a blended family, you feel like an outsider… especially in the church. But a perfect family isn’t reality. There are tons of broken families in the Bible. All throughout scripture, there are blended families. And there’s comfort in that. It’s very hard to watch someone else parent your child. It’s very hard to balance differing parenting styles, especially when you haven’t parented together since that child’s day one. My advice to parents, especially in a blended family, is to make sure you’re united. Sometimes you just need to have a sidebar—take your conversation to another room, get on the same page, and then come back to your kids and give them an answer. In Revelation, it says “He writes all things new.” And we’ve seen it. We’ve seen it in our lives, and we’ve seen it in each of our kids’ lives. This wasn’t God’s original design for either of our lives. And He’s redeeming it for all six of us.RESOURCES:
Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts - Drs. Les & Leslie ParrottSaving Your First Marriage Before It Starts - Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott -
QUESTIONS WE ASK:
How did Wellspring come to be? Why is marriage so important in our parenting?After heated discussions or disagreements, how do we reconcile well in our marriages and how much of that is important for our kids to witness?What are some ideas on ways we can keep our marriage a priority amidst busy seasons?What do we do when mom and dad don’t see eye to eye on a parenting decision?How do we set our kids up for success in their future marriages through our example?HIGHLIGHTS:
Jeff and Lora started Wellspring Coaching & Training in 2010 after Jeff had a career in vocational ministry and Lora worked as a therapist. They work with teams, couples, and individuals to find paths of healing, personal growth & development, and spiritual formation so they can live in a way where they guard their hearts for the purpose of being able to give their hearts. Prov. 4:23: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Jeff emphasizes: There ARE marriages that need to end—There are toxic, unsafe marriages wherein divorce is justified. But in general, that’s not God’s plan for marriage.
In our culture, it’s become normal to find an excuse to get out of a marriage. The reality is, all of us have moments of unhealthiness in our marriage. The more we can embrace that, the more comfort we feel in addressing it. A marriage that has some bumps isn’t weird. John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher and therapist, has narrowed marital problems down to 4 key identifiers which, when present consistently as predictable patterns in a marriage, spell trouble: Criticism: assassinating the character of the other, criticising what they do and don’t do, etc.Contempt: devaluing your spouse, sarcasm, non-verbal negative communication, disrespectDefensiveness: unwillingness to recognize an individual’s part in the situationStonewalling: shutting down, checking out emotionally and/or physically, refusing to engage. The antidotes to the four negative patterns listed above:Instead of practicing criticism, make requests. So much criticism comes out of a fair need, or an expectation—and we become critical when that isn’t being met. Instead of being contemptuous, show appreciation and respect. The little things are what seems to matter most, and something as simple as showing appreciation Instead of defensiveness, learn to accept responsibility.Instead of stonewalling, learn to self-soothe by identifying your hurt, and then commit to engaging.A healthy marriage provides security and stability to a family unit.
A healthy marriage is a model to your kids of how to have good relationships—you set the example for trust, for talking about things, for having and expressing feelings.A healthy marriage provides a child freedom to be a kid, and enjoy age-appropriate things.
An unhealthy marriage, which is filled with tension and consistent conflict, causes a child to become more concerned with providing stability in the home than they are with playing and other age-appropriate behaviors. Create an environment in your home where your kids know that if mom and dad are having a conflict, they don’t have to fix it. This is a gift you can give your children. It is ok for your kids to see and hear you and your spouse have conflict—meaning two different opinions, not anything frightening or violent—IF you know how to have conflict in a healthy way. Take time to be a safe place with your child if they do see you and your spouse have a moment of anger. Acknowledge when you mess up and respond poorly. Let them see you humble yourself, and apologize. Bringing reassurance is such an important part of parenting after conflict. Recognize the weight of your words in front of your kids. Kids aren’t looking for, and don’t need, perfect parents. They need humble parents. Families today are busy. Carefully consider what you add to your family schedule—set clear priorities first, and then decide what fits around those priorities. Do you need to do a ruthless examination of your calendar? Are you managing your calendar, or is the calendar managing you? Prioritize your marriage in the midst of the busyness. Something is going to get sacrificed… and you cannot let that thing be your marriage.Set a time to talk about the logistics for each week, and avoid conflict. Set and look forward to regular date nights. Make sure your marriage is a priority. Touch base daily, talk about what you’ve experienced. Be intentional. Be in a small group together. It’s important that parents discuss discipline together. If one parent disciplines more harshly than the other in a way that causes disagreement, it’s important that you create a system that works for you to de-escalate the situation. Jeff and Lora tell us that Lora could squeeze Jeff’s forearm, and it would be his signal that the two of them needed to go in another room to discuss. It allowed Jeff to cool off before he parented out of anger, and for both parents to share what they saw and how they perceived the situation. Take the time to hear why your spouse is disciplining the way they are. Find trusted couples with whom you can discuss your parenting decisions or problems with a child’s behavior, especially if they’re farther along in their parenting journey. Their objectiveness can help you discern how to move forward, if you feel like you’re stuck. So often, ugly moments in parenting can come from the mom or dad’s internal fear and shame. It’s important for parents to self-care and be self-aware as they parent. Pay more attention to your inner world before you focus on your child’s outer world. Work hard on your marriage, because what you do and what you have is a model for your kids. Instill in your children biblical truths about marriage at a young age. Talk to them about what it means to be intentional about choosing a spouse. Recognize that you’re leaving a legacy, and cast a vision for long-term marriages with your children. Marriage was God’s idea—He created it. How can you honor God in your marriages?RESOURCES:
Wellspring Dr. John Gottman -
HIGHLIGHTS:
What types of things do you feel like dads struggle with when it comes to parenting? Jeff: I think we come to the relationship with our kids with OUR expectations, and we bring how WE were parented. It can be hard to encourage your kids, and appreciate who THEY are. Rather than pushing them to be the best at everything, or be the best at what WE want them to pursue, affirm them. They need to know that they are valuable, they are loved, and they are cared for. We do want them to be the best, we do want them to be great—but I want my kids to know that they’re loved by God first and me second. Jacob: I think dads struggle with the transition from working man to family man. And you have to be really intentional to make that change some days. Sometimes you just need to drive around the block one extra time, and say a prayer. Ask the Lord to help you make that transition; the greatest leading you’ll do all day is what you do when you walk in your house. What are some things you do with your kids to connect with them, to make lasting memories and impact?Jeff: You have to intentionally look at your calendar and schedule one-on-one time with your kids. If it doesn’t get scheduled, it doesn’t get done. Family time is great, but one-on-one time is where you can really connect, and those are the special memories your kids are going to hold onto. Jacob: I try to be intentional about WHAT I do with my kids. I intentionally get on their level and do what they love to do—and it’s different for each kid. However, I also bring them along one-on-one to do adult things, whether it’s going to Home Depot or the grocery store, so they see me leading and working hard, and can learn from that.What encouragement do you have for dads? Jeff: Our lives get really busy. If we’re not careful, and don’t schedule that special family time, our priorities shift. Scheduling time with your spouse, prioritizing that relationship, is an amazing example to set for your kids about how to have a great marriage. I want my kids to know that I love my wife first, and then them; and that I love them more than I love my job, sports, or anything else. When they go to college and become adults, I want them to look back and recognize that while I wasn’t perfect, they always knew that I loved Jesus and I loved them. Jacob: First—dads, you’re doing a great job. Just by listening to this podcast, you’re proving you care. You’re doing a great job. Second—don’t outsource the discipleship of your kids. The church is here to help, but YOU are the primary disciplemaker of your kids. Third—raise your kids in the way THEY should go. God made them each unique, he wired them each differently, and dads need to help their kids find THEIR own path. -
In this second part of our three-part miniseries, we’re joined by Jason Hale, our Nolensville Campus Pastor, and Nic Allen, our Nashville Campus Pastor. We’re excited to get some great advice from these guys, and some encouragement we get to share with you!
HIGHLIGHTS:
What types of things do you feel like dads struggle with when it comes to parenting? Jason: As men, so much of our life is measurable—sales reports, metrics, etc. With parenting, you never really know if what you’re doing is taking root or mattering. Parenting isn’t something you can put metrics around. Nic: We have to anticipate the problems, pitfalls, and challenges we’ll have to face so that we’re prepared for them rather than reacting to them. What are some things you do with your kids to connect with them, to make lasting memories and impact?Nic: Connect with your kids over the responsibilities they have, and the responsibilities you share together. Maybe it’s gardening, or lawn care, or pet care. Maybe it’s a way that you’re serving in the community. I think a lot of the time dads want to do the fun things—coaching the team, playing the game, watching the show—but we neglect the idea of connecting with our kids over their responsibilities. They want to do big things and that will help prepare them. Jason: Two things—First, find things that are adventurous, and new, that stretch your kids. Second, spend individual time with your kids and be sensitive to their need to have one-on-one time with you. What encouragement do you have for dads? Jason: Know that we see the investment you’re making. As a pastor, in conversations with adults it can become apparent who has a dad that was uninvolved, wasn’t affectionate, and/or wasn’t present. Even if you can’t measure it right now, know that the investment you’re making in your kids matters; God is going to take those deposits and use them in ways you can’t imagine to fulfill the plan He has for your kids.Nic: Regardless of what your role is in the rest of the world, you’re the ONLY dad your kids have. God chose you to be the best earthly example of our relationship with Him. The father/child relationship is so important—know that no matter where you are, or what you’ve done with this relationship, it’s never too late to get things on track. It’s never too late to make your role as Dad a priority in your life, and it’s never too late for reconciliation. -
Being “Dad” is a big job! Fatherhood is a blessing. It’s also a challenge, and a huge responsibility. It’s vital to our families and to our church to have father figures. We’re joined in this first part of our three-part miniseries by David Curtis, Worship Leader at our Nolensville Campus, and T. Lusk, Campus Pastor at our Columbia Campus. We’re excited to get some great advice from these guys, and some encouragement we get to share with you!
HIGHLIGHTS:
What types of things do you feel like dads struggle with when it comes to parenting? David: There’s a struggle balancing discipline with the life-stages of toddlers and young kids. Is my three-year-old going to be a terror forever, or is this just a phase she’s in? There’s a balance between knowing when to lean in, and when not to lean in. When does a behavior require discipline, and when do I need to exhibit patience for something that is age-appropriate?T.: I think a lot of dads struggle with patience when their “kingdom” is infringed upon—when they come home and things aren’t peaceful, the tv isn’t theirs, the house is a mess and the kids are loud. And in that situation, our response is not usually out of grace.What are some things you do with your kids to connect with them, to make lasting memories and impact?David: We try to be intentional to set aside a day of rest. Our kids notice this, that we’re focused on God and resting in Him, rather than looking down at our phones or staying busy. We hope to make this a pattern in our home.T.: We try to take our kids on “dates” where they get alone time with both parents throughout a season. And these dates aren’t fancy, they can be a trip to Home Depot, but it’s time one-on-one with mom or dad. The kids love it and ask for that time. Chase: I try to connect with my daughter by doing what she wants to do in that moment, especially if it’s not something that I would normally be the one to do.What encouragement do you have for dads? David: I grew up with a supportive dad—he cared about what I cared about. He leaned into what I was passionate about, worked to understand it, and trusted that God would direct that path. Take the time to support your kids and let them figure their path out for themselves.T.: Slow down, and listen to your kids. Learn what they love so that you CAN lean in and support them along the way. Chase: Model the behavior you want to see. It’s your job to model what you want to see in your kids. We care about what they’ll grow up to do, but we care MORE about who they’re going to become. -
Molly began her Seed Planting Mom ministry because she saw a need for moms to feel equipped and encouraged on their journey through motherhood, for them to be reminded that God hand-picked them to be their child’s mom. It’s never too young to start “planting” biblical truths and core values into your child’s life. What do you want them to know and believe when they leave your home at 18? Show them what these values are, and how to implement them in their lives.There are some moms who feel paralyzed—they don’t know what to do, so they don’t do anything. Others are helicopters—they are controlling, and are so immersed in their child’s lives that they’re not equipping them. The middle ground is where the Lord helps you engage with and come alongside your kids, rather than allowing them to figure it out on their own or control them. There are some traditional, sometimes stereotypical, differences between boys and girls, but the important thing is to learn your OWN kid’s wiring. Girls prefer interaction—the more words the better. They want relationship, and their relationships often determine how they feel about themselves. Boys want ACTION—words mean less to them. Boys want competition, and use how they perform in competition with others to determine how they measure up. Girls tend to respond better to softer interactions, while boys respond well to direct communication. Be a student of your child. There’s no-one-size-fits-all, correct way of parenting. Learn how to connect with each of your children in ways that they feel seen and known. When they feel seen and known, they find a safe place. Lord, help us to know what is best for each child, and show us how to meet those needs. Important things for moms to say to their daughters:Your size and how you look does not determine your value or worth. Your value is in who the Lord says you are. Don’t compare your story to someone else’s. Someone else’s success does not mean you’re a failure. You can delight in others and celebrate them! You are strong, and capable. It is ok to be independent and driven. Important things for moms to say to their sons: Acknowledge your emotions and learn how to express them. Recognize your feelings and learn to work through them.Use your words. Learn how to be a communicator, and you’ll find success in your job, your marriage, and meaningful friendships. Man up. Don’t be passive. God calls men to rise up to be strong servants, who lead their families and boldly show the love of the Lord. Vision-cast “The F Words” to your children:Faith—Jesus is all that matters. Nothing they ever do will be bigger than what was done on the cross. We want them to make wise choices and know the blessing of being obedient to the Lord, but if and when they mess up, the cross is bigger. Fierce—Be passionate and have purpose in what they do.Fearless—Don’t be afraid of failure. Boldly walk in obedience to the Lord. Fun—Life is meant to be a joy. Community is essential to parenting well. Build a community of people around your family who know your children well, who can speak into your kids, who can remind you of who you are when you are down, and who can remind you of who your children are on the hard parenting days. In the book Sticky Faith, Kara Powell says its important to have a “sticky web” for your kids, made up of five other adults—not parents—to walk by them on their faith journeyHelp your kids recognize they need trusted adults outside of their parents, identify those mentors, and nurture those relationships. Other adults mentoring your children should not be seen as competition, or a threat to your relationship with them. Reframe your thinking to recognize that this is God’s provision, to send someone to come alongside you and reinforce the very things you’re saying to your kids. Be willing to be vulnerable, to make small group leaders/coaches aware of something your child is struggling with, to ask for help and partnership in walking alongside your child through their struggles. It is a struggle for working moms to find a work-home balance. Do you get so empty that you can no longer operate and parent out of a place of abundance? Working moms have to learn to recognize limitations. Learn to say no—you can do a lot of things, you can WANT to do a lot of things, but there are only a certain number of things you can do WELL at one time.
Saying “no” is not unkind, it’s not letting someone down—it’s often a really healthy response.
Take care of yourself spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Your children are watching you. Are you modeling that you are supposed to run on empty, rather than resting and recharging? Are your kids going to say that they got your leftovers, or that you were plugged with them AND did other things?
Every season of being a mom requires a lot of energy, time, and investment. Every mom needs her “people.” This requires you to be vulnerable, to share where you’re struggling and celebrate where you’re succeeding.
If you don’t recharge spiritually, emotionally, and relationally, burnout is just a few steps away. Find moms who are a few steps ahead of you. Learn from them, be encouraged by their stories, and see how God is always working. Then turn around a reach for those who are a few steps behind you. Being a Seed Planting Mom comes down to this: there are seeds of truth that you want to plant in your kids’ lives. And you’re not just called to plant them—you don’t want your kids to just know these truths, you want them to believe them. You have to nurture a garden. You have to spend time pulling weeds. You have to plant seeds year after year. It’s important to remember the harvest is coming; the harvest isn’t ours, it’s the Lord’s. Isaiah 26:3, ESV—You will keep in perfect peace he whose mind has stayed on You, because he trusts in You.
Ask the lord for peace, because being a mom is hard! Trust that the Lord is working. Galatians 6:9, NIV—Let us not become weary in doing what is right, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Day after day, do what is right. -
Questions We Ask:
What are you seeing with the state of mental health in the next generation? Specifically, how has COVID affected that? Can you help us understand what parents were processing during this past year? How would you recommend parents even begin to have a conversation with their teenager about their mental health? How does a parent’s understanding of their own identity affect their kids?How do we recognize if a child or teen is struggling with their mental health?If we suspect or find out that our child is struggling with their mental health, or is in a mental health crisis, what steps do we take?How does a parent go about finding a counselor for their teenager?HIGHLIGHTS:
COVID has had a huge impact in mental health worldwide. Experts have observed a rise in suicide rates, a rise in self-harm, a rise in anxiety & fear, a rise in isolation. Teens have been separated from COMMUNITY in so many ways and their normal rhythm of life has been messed up. We’re having to re-learn how to interact with people. We’ve seen steps backwards in our teenagers’ willingness to express vulnerability and be honest in what was previously considered a safe space.“We’re seeing that things they were already struggling with are being exposed more because of the isolation...When you sit in isolation, there’s more time for those thoughts to spiral.”This year, parents have had to learn how to work remotely, maneuver their daily schedule without getting any alone time, and work through a loss of community. We’re seeing an increase in bitterness, irritability, marriage issues, and dependencies on drugs and alcohol. For some parents, increased time at home has been a great experience, but for a lot of parents it’s been really difficult to navigate. Ask your kids more specific questions than "how was your day" to avoid one-word answers—instead, ask “what was the high of your day” and “what was the low of your day?” to draw more information out of them.Your kids are getting input from all directions—from teachers, from friends, from the news, from social media. Have the conversations about hard things with your teenagers, because the likelihood is they’re already hearing about them from somewhere outside your home. If your kids can’t come to talk to you about the hard things, where are they going to get their information? Be bold and intentional, and talk to your kids about suicide, anxiety, and their fears. You’re not bringing up a topic they haven’t already heard...by bringing it up, you’re opening the door for them to have that conversation [with you]. Have OTHER people who love the Lord in your kids’ lives to mentor them. Surround them with leaders and other trusted adults who can be intentional with your teens, as well. If your teenager opens up to you about a struggle they’re having, whether or not you’ve noticed any signs or have suspected it, try not to act disappointed or shocked—even if that’s how you’re feeling inside. It’s important that you express that you love them, listen, and are a safe place for them to share what they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, and what’s really going on. “Our kids are smart. Our kids are observant. Our kids are learning not only from the things that we say but the things that we do.” It is crucial that our identity [as parents] is grounded in who Christ says that we are, so that we are then teaching and showing that to our children. When you are anxious, fearful, feeling depressed, etc., your kids are seeing what you’re walking through and are learning from your experiences and responses. To be clear—this is NOT criticism, or a demand that you be perfect or pretend life is easy. This is a reminder to be aware!
Teach your kids how to lean into and turn to the Lord. Remind yourself who God says you are, so you are teaching that to your kids and incorporating His words into your conversations with them. “It is hard to lead, it’s hard to love, and it’s hard to advise from an empty place.”When you have the opportunity to speak into a teen’s life and counsel them, it’s important to be able to see and receive it, to respond and step into that moment from a healthy place. It’s important for parents to be filled up by their own time with the Lord, time in community with other believers, and to be able to take your own thoughts and worries captive.God tells us in His word that He is always present, that He is consistent, and that He has a plan and a purpose for us even when things get hard.Speaking the Lord’s truth in front of your kids, even in the midst of suffering, is MUCH more powerful than hiding your fears and worries from them. It’s a great thing to tell your children that you’re struggling with something too, and to follow that up with what you know to be true, what the Lord is teaching you, what you’re learning, and what you want them to know to be true. Show them empathy and compassion, and then show them that you’re going to lock arms with them and go to battle alongside them!To be vulnerable is hard. But when you choose to be vulnerable with your teens, it shows them you’re a safe place for them to open up, as well.You have to be face-to-face with someone to recognize signs of mental illness and declining mental health. Spend time with your teens. Know their norms.Any time a child has faced humiliation, rejection, or the destruction of a relationship, keep an eye on them. Make sure they’re handling it and reacting in a way that seems appropriate for the loss both in action and length of time. Here are some indicators that your child or teen may be struggling with their mental health:Drastic changes in behaviorEmotional changes that are against their normalChanges in eating habitsChanges in sleeping habitsWithdrawalExcessive crying or nervousnessTalking circles around a specific fearA constant pattern of fear about multiple things—big or smallTalking about suicideGeneral hopelessnessTaking unnecessary risksImpulsive behaviorFinding comfort/numbing in any way (alcohol, drugs, etc.)If your child or teen opens up to you about their mental health, or if they are in a mental health crisis:Listen, love, encourage, and offer hope. If you see there’s an immediate danger, do not hesitate to call 911 or the suicide prevention lifeline (1-800-273-TALK). Listen with compassion and a heart that desires to understand what they’re walking through. Engage them in conversation to truly understand their experience. Connect them with Godly mentors, counselors, and medical professionals.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It makes sense that you’re not going to know exactly how to best help your teen. The beauty of counseling is that we get to sit across from someone who is going to help us process what we’re walking through, how we got to that place, and what to do next. Counseling is a safe outlet to talk about the hardest things, and is a resource readily available to help you take steps of healing.
If you don’t know how to connect yourself or your child with a counselor, or if you aren’t sure you want your child to see a counselor, seek out a minister or another church leader first. They can walk you through your concerns from a Biblical perspective.
Your church can recommend faith-based counselors and other resources in your church and in your community.Parents need support, as well. Do not try to do this alone or to hide it. Ask your community to intercede on your behalf and to battle alongside you in prayer. Others have walked this road and it’s important to recognize you are not alone. Seek trusted counsel. Know that you have not failed. Accept where you and your child are now, look behind you to see what you can learn about how you got here, and walk forward together in hope and to find healing.God wants to be glorified through these journeys, for us to find healing in Him, and–once we have found that healing–for us to share His comforts with others.All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. | 2 Cor. 1:3-4 (NLT)RESOURCES:
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).Topical Index: Depression/AnxietyTopical Index: Parenting through COVID-19Topical Index: SuicideMHA Article: The State of Mental Health in America -
Questions We Ask:
What types of social media do you use and why?
How does social media affect your life everyday?
How does social media affect the lives of your friends and how does it impact, for better or worse, the connections you have with others?
What sort of boundaries have you and your parents set up to keep you safe and accountable when it comes to the social media world?
What encouragement do you have for parents listening about social media and the life of students using social media?
HIGHLIGHTS:
Teens are using social media to connect with their peers. They’re also using it as a distraction—a way to unwind and give their brain a break after being at school. However, Grace and Ethan both acknowledge that it is easy to inadvertently spend more time than intended on those “breaks” and that social media has affected their productivity.
With that much connectivity comes the risk for comparison. Some teenagers thrive and gain self-confidence through their use of social media. Others are affected in a negative way by seeing people they perceive as “perfect” and feeling like they can never measure up.
The more your student seeks out “likes” and positive comments on their posts, the more likely they are to be contacted by someone they do not know and who may not have good intentions.“People see other people living an ideal life which is sometimes, or most of the time, not real.”
Parents should make themselves aware of the risks associated with the social media platforms their students use.
For example, parents should know whether or not their teen has a public or private Instagram account. Posts from public accounts can be seen and commented on by any Instagram user, regardless of whether or not they know your child. And even with a private account, your teen can receive direct messages or follow requests from people they don’t know. Ethan and Grace note that this unsolicited direct messaging happens more with girls than with teenage guys, and that the messages are sometimes harmless spam, and sometimes completely inappropriate.“Phones have become a safety net in social situations.” Rather than have an awkward conversation or an uncomfortable interaction with someone you don’t know well, teens turn to their phone to connect with friends that aren’t there. “If I’m hanging out with you, if I’m spending time with you, then I want you to put your effort in, too. I don’t want you to be glued to your phone when we’re talking because I’m spending time, and I’m giving you my time, so I expect the same from you.”
Parents should consider what boundaries they want to put in place regarding their student’s phone and social media use BEFORE they give their child the phone. Are you going to monitor their accounts? Are you going to limit their time on social media (there are iPhone parental controls that allow you to do this)? Are you going to allow them to be on some social media platform, but not others? Think things through and set clear expectations and boundaries with your teenager from the beginning. Have a conversation with them about it so they understand those expectations and boundaries, and clearly communicate any consequences that will occur if they violate that trust.
Ethan shared a story with us about a friend whose social media accounts were taken away as a punishment for betraying their parent’s trust, and that friend realized after a month of not having social media that they felt healthier without it.It’s ok to adjust boundaries and rules as your teen gets older.Maturity doesn’t come with age - it’s different for everyone. With social media use, teenagers need to be mature enough to discern reality from fantasy, to discern when contact from a stranger is inappropriate and dangerous, and to be able to process hurt feelings associated with being left out or uninvited.
Most teenagers know more about technology than their parents. They KNOW they know more about technology than their parents. Parents are behind their kids—and it’s hard to lead when you’re following.
Technology continues to change. Parents don’t have to be experts with social media and technology, but they DO need to KNOW what is available to their teenager and know what platforms their students are using. Be humble. Keep asking questions. Ask how you can learn from your teenager.Ensure that your students have a community outside of their social media accounts. Ensure that they are growing in their faith, and that the foundation of their identity is in Christ. Ensure that they have and prioritize in-person outlets for connection.
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Questions we ask:
How do you define a disciple?What's the road map for disciple-making for your kids? Is there one specific road map?What are spiritual practices or disciplines that help us grow as disciples daily?You can't expect your kids to grow as disciples if you aren't growing as one yourself. What do you say to a parent who feels this way about their spiritual growth?What encouragement do you have for a parent who thinks they are too late in discipling their kids? Or too late in taking their own steps towards looking more like Jesus?Highlights:
A disciple is a student. If you’re a disciple of someone, you’re a student of that teacher. In terms of this discussion, Jesus is our teacher. Our goal is to learn what Jesus is trying to teach us.Discipleship is growing in Christlikeness.As parents, our goal is for our kids to be able to survive without our help. How do we look at that from a spiritual aspect? When we're not around, how do they survive SPIRITUALLY without us with them?The end-goal is that they have a foundation of beliefs and a world-view rooted in Christianity, and that they have practices in their life that are supporting and helping them live as a functioning disciple of Christ. Head knowledge is not enough.We want our kids to be able to stand firm in their faith because we’ve helped them establish practices in their life.Learning comes down to three different things: knowing, watching, doing.
Create opportunities for them to: KNOW: Put the truth in front of them.WATCH: See us living out that truth and practicing spiritual practices.DO: Take them along with us and give them opportunities to serve.What are the DAILY habits, practices, and disciplines that will help establish this foundation for our kids?
Please note - these daily practices are not done to earn salvation or for God to love you more; we do these practices because they are specific practices God gave us to draw closer to Him. They are opportunities for us to be in His presence—not because we HAVE to, but because we GET to.The practice of reading the Bible daily.
The clearest indicator of someone’s spiritual growth is if they are in the Word every day.
Let your kids see you in the Word daily.The practice of praying daily.
Prayer time can be part of your daily Bible reading time.
Pray WHAT you are reading.
Select one verse that taught you something, and talk to your kids about what you learned.The practice of trusting God.
It’s ok to model NOT having all the answers. Scripture says “We see through the mirror dimly” (1 Cor. 13:12).
It’s ok to tell your kids that you don’t have the answer, but that you can seek out the answer together. By doing this, you’re modeling how not to run from spiritual questions, and you’re modeling trust in the One who DOES have all the answers. You're teaching your child how to lean into conversations, seek to point to God, be strong in what they believe, and to walk with others to help them understand.
You can’t expect your kids to grow as a disciple if you’re not growing as a disciple. You can’t take your kids where you’re not willing to go, or where you’re not.The practice of investing in your faith.
What are you doing to invest in your faith, in your parenting, in your marriage? Your kids see this. Your spiritual state affects all of these things.
We are not perfect people. We’re a group of redeemed people being perfected.
You have 963 weeks from the time your child is born til they turn 18. Make the very most of that time.The practice of repenting daily.
Ask your kids for forgiveness. Let your kids see you acknowledging your imperfections. This teaches them about repentance, forgiveness, and grace in a single action.
Our God is perfect, our God is full of forgiveness, and our God is full of grace.It’s never too late to start leading your kids in discipleship. Get started by taking small steps. For example, if you have small children and don’t currently pray with them before bed, start. If you have older kids, ask them how you can be praying for them.Resources:
A Disciple's GuideA Disciple's Guide | Parent EditionFamily Devotions & Reading Plans -
Rolling Hills’ very own Nashville Campus Pastor Nic Allen, Nolensville Campus Pastor Jason Hale, and Lead Pastor Jeff Simmons sat down with Pastor Chase for a fun and incredibly helpful conversation about how we can prepare for and lead through a Christmas like no other. This conversation is courtesy of Men's Leadership Network.
In the podcast, we discuss how during this Christmas season we can recognize, embrace, and even celebrate the obvious things that will be different this Christmas. Each of the members of the panel challenge us to evaluate our attitudes about Christmas during a pandemic. They share practical ways to intentionally engage our families. They encourage us to seize this unique Christmas as a special blessing for our own relationship with Jesus to grow, as well as an opportunity to establish new traditions that may be more meaningful than the frantic Christmas seasons of the past. And, they remind us that, while many things are different, the foundational truths have not changed.
It all may feel different but Joy, Peace, Hope, and Love that were ushered into our world with the coming of Jesus has not changed at all!
Next Steps
1. What Christmas traditions are you going to have to alter this year?
2. How can we use the additional calendar space we have this year to do something meaningful and generous that the frantic schedule of the past would not allow?
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Questions We Ask:
How have the events of 2020, and our expanded use of and reliance on social media, enhanced or changed the emotional and psychological effects media has on teenagers? When should kids get social media accounts? What encouragement do you have for parents as they try to navigate media with their teenagers and kids?HIGHLIGHTS:
Even pre-COVID, social media became a god and an idol in some ways. Media use is seen as a solution to all problems. When COVID hit and social isolation began, there was a small awakening of simplifying - doing puzzles, eating meals together, playing games, etc.
It is disturbing that technology has become the only solution to coming out of social isolation.
Screens should be the LAST solution to problems for kids.
Media trauma is the trauma caused by media use, and has 5 definitions.
1. A traumatic experience that happened through media.
Kids are one click from ruining their lives every day. Social media use can very easily be devastating.2. An addiction to personal media that impairs your relationships, your work, and your ability to play.
When I’m on my phone: I cannot see, I cannot feel, I cannot hear. There is scientific proof that we dissociate from our bodies when we are on our screens. You actually cannot feel physical sensations in your body. By providing your child with a screen as a pacifier, you’re teaching them to not feel their physical sensations.This addiction causes you to lose your tolerance for feelings - because you no longer know how to ride the waves of boredom, anger, impatience, etc. This will affect how you handle conflicts in relationships, your ability to focus and be productive at work, and your ability to play outside of being entertained. It is trauma when this addiction keeps you from being able to live, grow, and thrive the way you were made to.3. Neglect of self or others because of a misuse of personal media.
Parents/caregivers need to do their own work before worrying about their teenagers. How are you using media? How are you using your devices? Assess what your REAL needs are.Model the behavior you want to see from your kids.]oi4. An interruption of human development because of a misuse of personal media.
Child did not get an opportunity to master a phase of development because technology either entered at an incorrect time or was misused. Normal and healthy are not the same thing. You cannot look at the way other families are using technology and think it is HEALTHY because it is the norm.5. Compromised physical, mental, or emotional wellness as a result of screen requirements from school or work.
When forced to dissociate from itself (sit in one place, not use all your senses, not getting to breaks, etc.), your body will experience extended screen use as trauma. Screen fatigue is real. Don’t take breaks from one screen (ie: required online class participation) by getting on another (ie: your phone, scrolling Instagram)We are all guinea pigs in this. And humans are going to have to speak up and say, “this is not humane.” Stand up for yourself and say what is acceptable and what’s not for you, and for your children.
If you have a relationship with your child that is healthy, where you can say “no” and they accept that, Jenny recommends you say no to your child getting social media accounts.
There are positives to social media, and those payoffs keep us from acknowledging how detrimental the harms are.
How equipped is your child to be in a dangerous place? They might have to enter into relationships with media regardless of whether or not they or you want them to, because of the constructs of society right now.
When you are ready to send your kid to an emotional Hunger Games, that’s when you can allow them to get social media accounts. You’ve got to be by their side, in their corner, and know that they’re going to be handling some hard stuff. Parents have to be open and ready to walk next to their kids through that, and help them process, if they allow them to have social media accounts.
Your child’s social media use has got to be in partnership with you. Monitor their activity online, and on social media channels. Pay attention. Lean in when something seems off with your kid. Social media use is proven to increase depression and anxiety. It is a false world of comparison.
Don’t project onto your teenagers the experience you had when you were their age. What teenagers today are dealing with is unlike anything we’ve imagined, and is unlike our experiences during developmental years. Having a safe space and a shame-free zone to discuss things that happen is essential to help them navigate these spaces.
Lean in with the intention to not only hear, but to actually respond. Choose to respond in a way that is helpful and which promotes teamwork, rather than responding out of alarm or refusing to respond at all.
“What the enemy used to destroy you God will use to prosper you.” The invitation into your kid’s reality and worlds is something you could have missed. You are in this together. Walk alongside them.
Set boundaries with your child/teenager.
You are the most important person in your kid’s life. Even when you feel like it doesn’t matter. Even when it feels like they don’t want you around, or that you embarrass them.
Don’t be afraid to be the parent. Your child does not have a right to a phone. Your child does not have a right to social media. Don’t be afraid to take those things away when behavior necessitates it, or if you feel you’ve introduced it to your child too early. Taking away your child’s devices is not really a consequence. It is alleviating them of that responsibility in their life; it is giving them FREEDOM.
It was not an accident that God gave you this child. It is not an accident that you are parenting through this time in history. Don’t be afraid to take that role of leadership in your child’s life—especially if it’s counter-cultural.
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Questions We Ask:
Based on your field of study and expertise, can you help us understand how the use of social media is shaping the next generation? How is it affecting parent/child relationships? How is it affecting peer-to-peer relationships? In your observation, what emotional and psychological effects are being seen as side effects of social media use by teenagers?HIGHLIGHTS:
An important place to start, regardless of your children’s age: PARENTS program their kids to share everything they do. PARENTS instill the idea that “everyone cares about everything you’re doing” in their children. The harsh truth of that is that PARENTS are using social media for their own significance, feedback, and to fulfill their need to feel known and cared for.
Kids growing up in this digital age are fighting a daily war. The conversation needs to turn away from “what’s wrong with my kid” and turn toward the fact that the anxiety they feel in this digital age is a form of PTSD. They’ve been through an incredibly difficult time in history, they’re being asked to function in a world where they’re never going to “win,” and they still have real-life responsibilities, needs and issues that they have no equipment to handle, because their energy is spent trying to survive in these digital spaces.
Before you even start assessing what your child’s relationship is with their devices and social media, check what priorities YOU are communicating. When your kids are in your physical space, are you communicating “my screen is more important than you,” or are you available to them? If you have to be on your phone, go to another room. If you can’t be with your kid, don’t look like you can be with your kid. If you’re physically in their space but not available, it communicates to your child it doesn’t matter they’re there.
The loneliest thing in the world, right now, is to be the only one in a group of people who doesn’t have a phone. If there is one person who is looking for connection, nobody’s looking back.
If there is a parent who is not on a phone and who is available, most kids will choose to connect to the parent over their devices. You are the solution. Your presence is the solution. The most important attachment figures in your kid’s life (primarily you, the parent) do matter more than this massive cultural pressure to be a part of the digital world. You are the number one antidote to the trauma your kids have gone through.
If you want real friends, if you want real connection, just look up. You’ll see who else is looking up. Someone else IS looking up.
Erickson’s Stages of Development (Resource available at the bottom of this page)
0-2 year olds | Essential question: “Can I trust the world?” Children in this age range are earning trust vs. mistrust. They look for their caregiver to meet their needs. They learn about the world by how their cries for help and comfort are met.If a child in this age range is given an iPad when they cry, the technology becomes their pacifier, and their primary attachment figure. Does it meet their needs? Does it see them, and give them what they need? This child will come to the conclusion that they cannot trust the world. 2-4 years old | Essential question: “Is it ok to be me?” Children in this age range are looking for affirmation, attention, and acknowledgement. Parents will hear a lot of “watch me!” and “Daddy, look!” During this stage, parents tend to utilize technology as a babysitter rather than a pacifier. Parenting toddlers is hard, and it’s natural for your child’s incessant chatter to annoy you. But for a child at this age, these noisy times are when they’re trying to tell you things about themselves. If you respond to this by distracting them with technology each time, and don’t want to hear them, you’re communicating “no, it isn’t ok to be you.” 5-8 years old | Essential question: “Is it ok for me to do, move, and act?”Children in this age range are learning initiative vs. guilt. Exposure to media can dramatically affect their motivation to do things, how they gauge approval, where they look for self-worth, and how they determine if their participation has value.During this stage, kids are realizing the creation they’re capable of, and the hope is that they do so because it delights them. They need to be learning HOW to do, HOW to make, HOW to act, how to be FULFILLED by what they do. Exposure to social media shifts that motivation to doing, moving, and acting for OTHER people to see. They begin to be fulfilled by someone seeing what they did, and are unable to be gratified by the work they do without the approval of others.This age group is the sweet spot for technology - they are innocent enough to be fascinated by the possibilities technology provides, eager to explore, and see it as an outlet for their creativity. This innocent enchantment with and genuine interest in technology gives parents the false perception that things are ok, and will be fine. It is important to acknowledge that they will NOT remain in this phase. The more attached they get to the digital space during this age group, the faster it can turn on them when they reach the next stage of their development. Your child has got to have as many resources available in their real reality as much of the day as possible. Because when things do turn bad, if their technological world is the only world they know, they’re lost. 9-12 years old | Essential question: “Can I make it in the world?”Children in this age range are constantly comparing how they measure up to the world around them. They are very aware of what others are doing, very aware of who is being celebrated, they notice differences and weigh those against what they bring to the table. The current trend is that is the age range when a lot of kids are given their own devices and allowed to have their own social media accounts. When kids are exposed to social media during this phase, they will be affected by the highlight reel they see from their “peers” and can develop an inferiority complex. Think about what it means for these kids, long-term, when they live in a digital world they think it is the real world, and they can NEVER measure up.13-19 years old | Essential question: “Who am I? Who can I be?”Teenagers in this age range are wrestling with their identity vs. role confusion. They’re asking what they’re going to do that matters, and what to do to be defined as a success. A parent’s job, and the church’s job, is to teach them to identify with Christ and to understand they are made in the image of God. A healthy version of this is for them to be confident in that, and look around themselves and celebrate those things in other people, as well. The visual nature of social media gives a very narrow definition of what is beautiful, what is smart, and what a winner looks like. It can cause us to try to be someone God didn’t create us to be, which will cause anxiety and depression 100% of the time. Consider that teenagers really do not have much of a choice in whether or not to be on social media. Depending on the place they live, where they go to school - in order to function it does not seem to be a choice. Teenagers are trying to build an identity in a world that will only tell them their identity is not going to be enough, and which is just going to abuse them. We have to give care to that. Even if you get them off of social media, they need care to compensate for what has happened.Visit rollinghills.church/makinghistory for links to resources recommended by Jenny!
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In this last part of our Race and the Christian Family series, we were privileged to sit down with Jose and Genevieve Duenas. Jose is from Guadalajara, Mexico, and Genevieve is from California. They were both raised Catholic in single-parent homes, met in high school, and are now parents of two teenagers. We loved hearing their perspective about embracing their culture while weaving others into their every day lives from the time their children were very young.
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Christian families have a responsibility to discuss and acknowledge race and systemic racism. We really believe this conversation is one that must continue as we teach our children how to love and embrace everyone around them! We sat down with Jorge and Lucy Mhondera to continue our conversation about Race and the Christian Family. Jorge is from Zimbabwe, and Lucy is from Britain. They've both lived in many countries. They are parents of two sweet girls, Savanna and Summer. Lucy serves with the Justice and Mercy International team doing work in Moldova and the Amazon and Jorge is an incredible worship leader and musician who travels all over the world leading worship for churches and events. We loved hearing their story, specifically talking about their biracial family and how their multi-cultural backgrounds frame their perspectives on race relations.
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