Episódios
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Oh, thank you, valiant prince for conquering the lair of the evil Malvusta and saving me from my peril. No mortal man has ever defeated her foul beasts and wicked magic. Such gallantry will surely be spoken of in legends for millennia. You are literally my knight in shining armor, just not someone I see being with long-term. Look, it's not you. You're a really great guy for doing all this, and any other princess locked up far away would be so lucky to have you. It's just that I have so much going on with me right now that I don't have time to be betrothed by the first royal hunk who comes to my aid. I've already done the whole "damsel getting rescued and marrying the hero prince" thing, and honestly, it's not for me. To put it simply: I've had a lot of time to think since falling into the clutches of Malvusta. I realized, I don't want to be tied down. I was literally tied down for an entire year. I want to go out and see the world, have adventures, make some real connections that aren't just with mice and swallows. If you still want to be friends, I would be more than happy to accommodate your wish. We can dance together at the next royal ball, but platonically, of course. We can sing songs out in the forest about our enduring friendship alongside the prancing woodland creatures. Let's just not complicate things by trying to unite our kingdoms and all that messy stuff. And no, I'm not just saying this because I'm not looking for a relationship with you specifically… But… Now that we're here, maybe I can give you advice on what to do better the next time you save some fair maiden. Firstly, maybe wipe off all the battle sweat from your face before you start frenching me. There is literally no rush. Seriously, I'm under a sleeping enchantment. I'm not going anywhere. Secondly, try introducing yourself after I wake. A "Hi my name is Prince Charming" would suffice in lieu of your first words to me being, "We shall wed at dawn." Also maybe do something about that Prince Charming name. I'm just getting major ick from it. So, again, despite your insistence that our undying love will bring everlasting peace and prosperity to the land, I really just see us more as friends. Yes, I know only true love's kiss was supposed to break the enchantment placed on me, but I literally just met you. I'm starting to think Malvusta wasn't that great of a witch after all. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, or lose your confidence to get out there. I'm just looking for different things right now. I'm throwing down my hair, but I'm raising my expectations. I'm reclaiming my voice now that it's not in the possession of an evil witch. I'm shedding my corset and taking some self-defense classes so I can maybe stop getting kidnapped. I hope you understand. Also not for nothing: I'm 18 and you're 29.
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Sex robots will simply break your neck quickly during intercourse. Presumably robots are too smart to allow reality tv to continue. Another chance to wear your Sarah Connor cosplay outfit. You very well could end up as someone better than you are now in the matrix. Your dead human flesh could possibly be used in the creation of a killer cyborg by the robot overlords!! So cool!! As a member of the human resistance, the various damp places you find to hide in are absolutely rent free! If they decide to keep you as a pet, you'll finally be able to enjoy a life of serenity and relaxation once they have you neutered. Your charred skull could possibly be used as a centerpiece at super fancy robot parties! Don't worry , the robots will keep Tik Tok around in order to properly display their robotic dancing prowess. Probably no more Nazi assholes.
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The role: Friend. Bring your A-game, as this could be the gig of a lifetime for you. Literally. The casting directors: My husband Rusty and myself, aiming to prove that it is possible to make new friends after the age of 40. The setting: Our kitchen table. (Excerpts from the directors' notes follow.) Auditionee #1 - Sarah T. Sarah made a strong first impression. When asked how she liked her coffee, she replied, "Black, like my Presidents." No argument there! An artist / website designer, Sarah disarmed us with her witty banter and upbeat personality. A level of comfort was quickly established. It was going very well until she asked, "So since you guys have no kids, who's inheriting your rent-stabilized lease? You could adopt me! I'm kidding!" Then she burst into manic laughter. And just like that, those sparkly eyes became crazy eyes. Auditionee #5 - Michael R. Michael, a millennial gay man, had recently gotten over a painful breakup and was looking to "explore new friendscapes," as he put it. He brought up his love of classic film and the three of us spent a terrific thirty minutes discussing the work of Todd Haynes, how Antonioni's "Blow Up" informed De Palma's "Blow Out" and just generally geeking out over flicks we liked. Then he said, "I'm working on a screenplay. Would you like to read it?" As he whipped out his iPad, we realized he meant read it now. "It's about two men going through a painful breakup. I've completed eighty pages." Rusty acted quickly and pretended to get a call from his grandmother (who's been dead for years). I married the right guy. Auditionee #24 - Matthew J. At first glance, Matt seemed too young for the role, but we kept an open mind. This Gen Zer got off to a great start. He talked about how much he likes "old music" like The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Garbage and The White Stripes - basically the playlist of our youth. Excellent. He also seemed to truly enjoy hearing stories about NYC in the aughts - or the "old days," as he called them. Unfortunate phraseology aside, Matt's enthusiasm for music, art and literature was a pleasant surprise and it was at this point that he became our front-runner. Then the conversation turned to politics. "The 2016 election was the first one I could vote in," he explained, "and I went with Jill Stein. I voted for Biden in 2020. But I don't know, man…if a viable third-party candidate comes along this year, I might go that route again. Shake things up a little, you know?" As I watched the veins on Rusty's forehead start to throb, I thanked Matt for his time and lied, "We'll be in touch." Auditionee #47 - Kaden P. Kaden arrived at the front door wearing a Jason Aldean t-shirt. Hahahaha! Seriously, universe? No fucking way. Auditionee #118 - Monica W. Ashlee burst into the room full of kinetic energy. Clad in yoga pants and a tank top, this slender mother of two was a fireball. She plopped down and exclaimed, "My husband's job is so demanding! And now that both kids are in school all day, I'm looking to make new friends!" I remarked on her Fitbit. "Oh, I'm obsessed with it! Gotta get those steps! I've been told I have the resting heart rate of an Olympic skier!" I joked, "Well, I've been told I have the resting bitch face of Anna Wintour!" Ashlee sternly replied, "That has nothing to do with fitness." Suddenly I remembered a comment a Whole Foods employee once whispered to me as we watched a woman much like Ashlee almost knock an elderly man over with her cart. "Those yoga moms are scary." Agreed. The winner: Sean G. Sean is a fortyish writer who landed the role without an audition. He's left-of-center politically and has a great sense of humor. Like us, he likes a lot of older indie music, but is also open to discovering new stuff. He's charming, he's a good conversationalist and we're certain that Sean doesn't have any weird baggage or personality traits that are going to catch us off guard down the road. How are we certain of this? Rusty created him using AI. We'd like to...
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Hey guys, thanks so much for joining me again today! As you know, I usually focus on skincare and fitness regimens here, but a lot of you have been asking about my getting-away-with-multiple murders routine, so without further ado, here are my hacks. (Laughs) I'm so bad! Ok, first things first, you're gonna want to run with a crowd of similar-looking friends who all have similar-looking significant others. It's ok to set yourself apart a little by having a slightly better haircut, but trust me guys - being indistinguishable from your peers is all part of successfully getting away with being a serial killer. Next, make sure those friends are just as shallow and self-absorbed as you are. If they're constantly concerned with their looks, wardrobes, business cards, and dinner reservations, there's no way they have time to wonder or care about anyone else. They won't even register that freaky confession you said directly to them. Also, just don't be afraid to be hot. People inherently trust hotter people way more; it's a scientific fact. If you're smokin', not only will others be more likely to believe you when you say you don't know what happened to that missing person, but they'll also be more willing to sleep with you and become yet another of your potential victims, so win-win! As you can see, now we're in a dark alleyway. I know, sorry about the lighting, but it's kind of crucial to the whole not-getting-caught thing. I'm gonna go ahead and leave on my herb-mint facial mask while we do this…I know, I look funny, but this is so important…I like to have buttery-feeling skin and a healthy glow whenever I eviscerate someone. So, here's an unsuspecting victim nobody will miss. She is so stunning, I almost feel bad about killing her, but not enough. On with the leather gloves, and shout out to Harper - thanks girl for this adorable lambskin pair! They are such a vibe. Perfect for keeping fingerprints at bay and, most of all, saving my manicure… …Ok, and murder complete! (breathes heavily) Sorry, I'm having a moment right now. On to the tricky part - getting away with it. Now as you guys already know, I only promote stuff if I truly believe in the product, which is why I cannot say enough good things about this Jean Paul Gaultier garment bag. Not only is it stylish, it's practical for concealing and disposing of dead bodies and it can distract your dumbass friends from realizing there even is a body inside. They'll be so busy admiring your exquisite taste that they won't notice the distinct adult human shape inside. Crazy, right? The privacy of your home can be a good place to kill someone too, and the light is way better. You'll want to have a lot of cleaning products on hand. I discovered this no-splash bleach the other day, and guys, I can't even tell you how obsessed I am. Also, make sure you blast some music if this is the route you choose to go - not only is it fun to give your clueless victims a little monologue about your favorite tunes in the last moments of their lives, but the noise level helps keep your neighbors from hearing the screams or the sound of chainsaws. Don't be afraid to dance like no one's watching, because no one will be! For those at-home murders, feel free to utilize your kitchen freezer for body parts afterward. It's a great option when you're not sure how long you want to have the corpse around, and it takes care of the whole smell problem. You don't want your sanctuary to reek of death later when you're ready to unwind with some self-care. Last but not least, always appreciate your supporters, whomever they may be. I personally find some of the alt-right camp kind of poor and gross, but if they want to deify me for my wealth, sex life, and ability to get away with hurting women, well then, who am I to be judge-y? You never know what moron might be willing to take the fall for you in the future, so all I'm saying is keep those options open. That's all from me for today, but thank you guys for watching...
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"Louisiana has become the first state to require that the Ten Commandments be displayed in every public school classroom, the latest move from a GOP-dominated Legislature pushing a conservative agenda under a new governor." -AP News, 6/20/24 1. You shall have no other governors before Me, Governor Jeff Landry of the great state of Louisiana. 1. You shall not make for yourself a carved image - any likeness of anything that is in any other religion other than whatever warped cult-like Evangelical Trumpism Christianity we worship in the Louisiana legislature. For I, the Landry your Governor, am a jealous Governor, visiting the iniquity (I don't know what that word means because I was educated in Louisiana public schools) fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of the ACLU who hate Me, but showing mercy to dozens, to those who love Me and keep my My commandments (and also whisper in my ear when this press conference is over what the hell iniquity means). 1. You shall not take the name of the Lord your Governor in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes Him to court for violating the First Amendment. 1. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, unless the Sabbath is Shabbat and you are Jewish. We don't have those in Louisiana. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Landry your Governor. If this was actually Exodus 20:8-11, I would tell you to rest. But since you're a student please for the love of God do your homework and study on the Sabbath, for we have spent so much time and taxpayer money policing the religion of our state that we don't have the resources left to actually teach, and thus rank 47th in education nationwide. 1. Honor your father and your mother, unless they are a religion other than Evangelical Christianity, that your days may be long upon the land which the Landry your Governor is giving you, unless you rent. 1. You shall not murder from the moment of conception. After birthday, we don't really care what you do anymore. 1. You shall not commit adultery. Probably more relevant for conservative Republican lawmakers than 5th graders, but we're not going to address that at this time. Thou shall only learn abstinence-only sex education, so you'll never know what this means anyway. 1. You shall not steal. Unless you're stealing your ideals for governing from autocratic oligarchs. In that case, be our guest. 1. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Unless your neighbor is gay. 1. You shall not covet. I just learned what "covet" means. You shall not "covet" your neighbor's house, unless they have a pool or live on a golf course. Then, maybe you can get them evicted for being poor, which is not the Governor's will. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, unless she is younger and hotter than your own.
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Powdered Eye Of Newt Advanced arm wrestling ability upgrade. Skin Shavings From Recently Deflowered Warlock Up to 50% off your regular car insurance. Feather Of A Witch's Familiar Ability to suddenly understand the appeal of The Bachelor. Distilled Cupid Tears Akin to the shingles vaccine, but with a slight sour cream and cheddar aftertaste. Pickled Antichrist Placenta Sharpens up your tennis swing. Blessed Stomach Lining Of A Dragon Become a master of the 2 Step overnight!! Scrap of Torn Flesh Containing Ancient Druid Tattoo A zesty addition to any vinegar based salad. Ashes Of Burnt Ouija Board Possessed By Serial Killer Demon The base ingredient of a real chocolate cake with no calories!!
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Hi Stuart. Thanks so much for meeting with me today. Can I get you a large tap water or anything from the counter? They all know me here. No? Okay, great. Thanks for accepting my Facebook Messenger request. I can't believe we haven't hung out since sophomore year in high school! Me? Man, I'm so busy these days with Sandra working full time. That's my mom. Every week I have to power through whatever's new on Netflix and Xbox, then all the rest of my time goes into my new organization. What's the organization, I think I heard you ask? Well, let me put it to you this way: do you ever wish you had more control over your life? Most people are wasting their lives chained to a desk and working to make some CEO a little richer, am I right? What if you could take that time back for yourself? What if you could be your OWN boss? I can see you reaching for your keys, Stu. I know what you're thinking, and I'm not trying to recruit you to sell some kind of makeup or juice or fitness tortilla wrap for the human body. I have no doubt you feel the same way about all that pyramid scheme garbage that I do: sad that they're having all that fun with their friends without us. Did I read your mind there, Stuey? Just like you, probably, I waited for years to be invited into a multi-level marketing racket. Watching everyone on their four-hour lunch meetings and their social media live streams really got me thinking. Why not me? I'm a fun guy. I deserve a chance to try to solve my financial problems by taking a week trip to an airport hotel in Columbus. That's why I founded Essential Ales: a pyramid scheme for the rest of us. If you're struggling with the realities of loneliness and failure, my Essential Ales are a miracle cure-I have to tell you the FDA hasn't come around on that claim yet-and I have an exciting opportunity for some motivated consumer-distributors to help me get the word out. Do you like friends? Do you like drinking? Do you want to be taken seriously about it? Then I want you on my team. No, Stu-pendous, this isn't just about booze. We'll expect you to stay familiar with the product, obviously, but we are in the people business! Those late nights at the bar will be official meetings, and we'll spend most of them scheduling other meetings. You've seen the spirited scheming that goes on once our miracle product starts flowing: weekend plans, road trips, and pledges to be best friends forever. You deserve a job where everyone in attendance can't stop talking about the next official meeting. If you need to quit, there are meetings for that, too. It won't always be easy. I'm looking for top performers willing to go the extra mile: real bar closers not afraid of a 3-day recruiting binge. This line of work will show you who your real friends and family are. The losers in your life will try to stop you. When that happens, I find that the product helps. Ready for the best part? You can operate remotely anywhere, at any time! Well, not while driving, trust me, but what you do at home during the day is nobody's business but your new business! Schedule a call with your team and you can collaborate at any time, all over the globe. Really makes you feel bad for those "cool" pyramid jockeys with a garage full of stretchy pants, eh? So what do you say? Want to keep working for the sober nerds for a measly full-time salary and benefits, or are you thirsty to become the second ever Essential Ale-oholic?
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HusbandAI Everyone knows that Tesla loves the ladies - especially those hideous feminists who can't even pay a man to stick around. Now those spinsters can enjoy HusbandAI, a device made for cats to wear, and jezebels to enjoy. Simply strap your cat, probably named Ryan Gosling, to the HusbandAI, and finally, a man will talk at you. HusbandAI tells you the sweet nothings any spouse would, such as "Why don't you dress like your friend Veronica?" or "The mental load is a myth." Just like a glorious human man, HusbandAI will never do the dishes, never scrub a toilet…but he always leaves indestructible skid marks the way gals secretly enjoy. Where does he leave them? Sky's the limit, princess. HusbandAI knows that wiping his ButtAI makes him gay. NeuraBra Have you noticed the lack of giant tits due to the cuckification of America? Behold the NeuraBra, an entirely new manner of strapping tig-ol-biddies up to your neck…and it's controllable by your man. The NeuraBra comes with two parts - a microchip implanted into the master's brain, and the bra, locked onto the female's chestal region. Only the master has the key, because chicks lose everything. Using just the unparalleled power of man-thoughts, the NeuraBra gigantizes the boobs or spins them in different directions. Imagine you, a glorious TradWife, doing baby things or whatever. Suddenly your knockers begin twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom! Picture your delight as you can't control your own body whatsoever. Some 3rd degree burns have been reported by the media, but they lie, and so does that witch Jennifer who DID NOT win that lawsuit. Self-Driving Vibrators The fairer sex are feckless creatures and terrible drivers. Therefore, they can't be trusted to use vibrators correctly, which is while crying and wishing for a boyfriend who is pale and from South Africa. Introducing the new Tesla Self-Driving Vibrator. It's the vibrator women need but don't want, and its rate of explosion is 3% down over beta testing. That's a lot of numbers for the female brain, but what it means is that the Tesla Self-Driving Vibrator will never replace that real-life man you brought home last weekend - undoubtedly excellent at lady-sex stuff, like all guys. HoverToaster Are you too much of a manic pixie dream girl to own a regular appliance? Are you too sexy to purchase a toaster that doesn't fly or randomly electrocute you? If you allow a little electrocution to un-woman you, then the Tesla HoverToaster is not for you, chicky. It burns bread faster than any other toaster in existence, clocking in at an unparalleled 1.3 seconds. Can GE manage that? Or the Chinese??? Nobody makes food inedible like Tesla, just as nobody else is murdering their drivers the way we can. Afraid? That's natural for the gentler sex. Only the top 1% of you can even catch the HoverToaster, much less survive it. BullyLink Finally, a product that allows free speech! BullyLink is the tool you need to speak your supportive female mind about how liberal women shouldn't exist, angry women shouldn't exist, and how women shouldn't be allowed to say no. Because nothing is more important than free speech, sweetie. Buckle Tesla BullyLink to your mouth, and 17 pounds of badass metal will immediately make you look smarter than the other PTA women - and definitely won't cause face prolapse. With BullyLink, you can scold enemy broads close to you, or far away with its patented BullyECHO feature. Watch glass and hysterical fee-fees shatter everywhere you go! Although BullyLink is megaultrapowerful, do not use BullyLink in water, at an elevation above 500 feet, or near squirrels. By reading this, you agree to indemnify Tesla from all squirrel king attacks. The CyberPad Are you, a genuine lady, tired of woke products showing you reality, which makes you frown? Frowning is disgusting. Look no further than the Tesla CyberPad, a new internet tool to feed you the misinformation men wish were real. CyberPad can be activated by any non-D...
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A Tale of Two Cities (A Philly cheese steak with Bologna) The Grapes of Wrath (When you're allergic to grapes but can't help yourself from indulging in buttered cinnamon raisin toast) Oliver Twist (If your name is Oliver and you want turkey on challah) The Lord of The Rings (If you happen to come from a landowning British family and want half a dozen everything bagels with cream cheese) The Catcher in the Rye (Ham and swiss on pumpernickel) The Old Man and the Sea (When you want whatever the elderly man next to you ordered, and it's a tuna-salad sandwich) Brave New World (Mungbean pastrami with vegan mayo on whole grain) The Outsiders (An open-face sandwich enjoyed in the company of your cross-town rivals) The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (Chef's pick when you're at lunch with your in-laws and they seat you next to the coat rack) Lord of the Flies (Raw beef on white)
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Ready for House of Dragon season 2? Do you remember who's a Targaryen and who's a Hightower? Do you remember the name of a single dragon from season 1? Do you even remember what streaming service the show is on? Neither do I. But I know I subscribe to it. Because my Visa bill says I subscribe to ALL of them. 1. Vermax 2. Youku 3. Xumo 4. Syrax 5. Meleys 6. Tidal 7. Mubi 8. Caraxes 9. Vhagar 10. Plex 11. Vivamax 12. Dreamfyre 13. Arrax Dragon: 1, 4, 5, 8, 9, 12, 13 Streaming Service: 2, 3, 6, 7, 10, 11
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Piledriver? I hardly know'er! Texas Hold 'em Poker? I hardly know'er! Buster Keaton? I hardly know'er! Incubator? I hardly know'er! Sandpaper? I hard'y know'er! Cheesegrater? I hardly know'er! Particle accelerator? I hardly know'er! Pez Dispenser? I hardly know'er! Everlasting gobstopper? I hardly know'er! Get to the chopper? I hardly know'er! Fifty-two-inch blade, seventeen horsepower zero turn lawnmower? I hardly know'er! Obnoxiously inappropriate coworker? I hardly know'er! Sexual harassment in the workplace complaint form folder? I hardly know'er! Your honor, I never knew'er!
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Although it's often overlooked, Father's Day is truly one of the most important holidays of the year. Being a father is a full-time job (and an incredibly difficult one as well). Which is why, this Father's Day, I would just like to take some time to thank the one man in my life who supported me, cared for me, and single-handedly turned me into the thoughtful and conscientious person that I am today. Dear dad from the animated children's show Bluey… thank you. Thank you for raising me. Dad from Bluey, every day you inspire me to become a better man than the one I was the day before. Your unflinching kindness and compassion have strengthened my heart, my mind, and my soul. And, even though I am not a fictional, dark blue, anthropomorphic Australian Cattle Dog (like yourself), I know that I'm so, so lucky to have met you. Thank you, dad from Bluey. I love you. You're always there for me, dad from Bluey. No matter where I am, no matter what time of day it is, whenever I'm feeling sad and low, I know that I can always count on you to make my life a little brighter. For example, the first night I moved to Chicago right after college, I was feeling lost, alone, and more than a little frightened. So I reached out to the one man in my life who I knew could cheer me up… and I watched the Bluey episode "Café," where you befriended another dog dad in the playground by pretending that you two were both eating at a restaurant. Dad from Bluey, you taught me that no matter what age you are, that it's never too late to start making friends. You taught me that, dad from Bluey. And last year, after I broke up with my long-term girlfriend, I felt like no one would ever love me again. Or, at least, I did until I watched the episode "The Magic Xylophone," where it was revealed that you had been picking your nose the first time that you met your future wife, the anthropomorphic Red Heeler dog Chilli. And I realized in that moment that, when love is true, minor personality quirks will never be able to stand in the way of the rich tapestry of mutual devotion. I could never have that kind of a breakthrough with my real father. Hell, I can't even imagine having that kind of a conversation with him. But you, dad from Bluey, you're the one man I can trust to always steer me in the right direction. Dad from Bluey, time and time again, you have provided for me, and you have protected me. You have cared for me, and you have always treated me with patience, kindness, and dignity. You have taught me, believed in me, nourished me, and sacrificed for me. And I'll always be thankful that you did. And, look, I get that you're not perfect, dad from Bluey. In the episode "Whale Watching," you and Chilli were too tired to play with your children after staying up too late at a New Year's Eve party. And in "Dance Mode," you bribed your daughter, Bingo, with a $20 bill in order to prevent her from activating the titular 'dance mode,' which would have forced you to dance embarrassingly in public. And in the episode "Unicorse," you were honestly kind of a jerk to your wife and daughter… And there weren't really any consequences to this, which was just kind of weird. But throughout all of your flaws, you never stopped trying to be a better man, a better dog, and a better father for your two fictional children (who are also Australian Cattle Dogs). And, as a result, you never stopped becoming a better father figure to me. Which is why I just wanted to take this time to celebrate your incredible legacy. Happy Father's Day, dad from Bluey. Thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for everything. Today I'm honoring you and all that you have done for me. Also, now that I think about it, if I'm writing an article like this, I guess I should probably thank my own dad too, or something… so, if you're reading this right now, happy Father's Day, pops. You were no dad from Bluey, but you still did fine.
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Project Manager Eating Healthy, Crunchy Meals Off Mute During Zoom Call Presentations: Food fuels the body, so it's essential to be eating healthy, whole, and nutritious foods during the work day. But what if you have back-to-back Zoom presentation meetings? Eat the crunchiest, loudest fruits and vegetables on your Zoom calls while you present, and before you know it, you'll not only have more energy, but you won't be invited to presentation meetings anymore because everyone will be so disgusted by you! You'll actually have time to take your hour lunch, and have more open time on your calendar to get your actual work done. Environmental Scientist Pause To Take Deep Breaths And Inhale Pollution: Working in the STEM field can be stressful when each day you're fighting for funding from a government that doesn't believe in climate change. But there's a way to still live life healthily while on the job. We recommend buying a premium Headspace membership with your entire paycheck, take a few deep breaths, and start inhaling the pollution you're studying. You'll be in such a meditative state you'll forget that the environment you're studying is actively killing you. Software Developer Practice Self-Care By Creating Your Own Sauna With Your Sweat By Talking to a Female Colleague: You spend all day coding, but not enough time breaking a good ol' sweat and releasing those bad toxins you have from drinking all those Red Bulls. But now there's an answer to how you get your sweat on in a healthy way. Just by attempting to talk to the one girl in your department, you'll be drenched in sweat like you just finished an hour-long session in the sauna at the spa. The best part? You won't get in trouble with HR because the girl won't even consider you flirting because you'll be so bad at it. Sometimes it's hard to get a full 8 hours at night when you can't fall asleep in fear that you make a mistake and would be responsible for the deaths of hundreds or even thousands of people. There's no better time than taking a quick siesta once the planes have taken off and are totally safe at 40,000 feet, probably. Middle Manager Limit Your Screen Time By Walking Away From Your Laptop So That Your Team Can Actually Get Work Done: Being the big dog, it seems like everyone on your team needs something from you, all the time-or do they? Or maybe they actually just want to be left alone for five minutes so they can actually do their work instead of being interrupted by you, who doesn't even know how to do their job? Regardless, micromanaging-we mean, managing, is an incredibly tough role to be in, and there are only countless millions of managers who can relate to you. Instead of pinging your subordinates at 7pm on Friday, try limiting your screen time and stepping away for a while, maybe forever. Reduced screen time has proven to be helpful with sleep, but you'll also boost productivity for your entire team because you won't be sending them seven 30-minute check-ins throughout the day! Cyber Security Officer Co-Work With Friends and Reveal Confidential U.S. Government Secrets: Sometimes when you're always on the job, it feels like you barely have enough time to see your friends and socialize-so why not combine the two? Co-working has shown to be beneficial in that it actually helps you focus on your work, get more done, and be more likely to spill confidential, high-profile government secrets that you have signed an NDA for. It's a win-win because your friends will finally understand what you actually do all day, and you can finally exhale and talk about those darn aliens they're keeping in a warehouse in Arizona-at least until you're taken away in handcuffs! Chief Financial Officer Work Out In Your Home Gym During House Arrest: Being on house arrest for committing a white collar crime is part of the job, so it's time you make the most of it. You know how to crunch numbers in your favor, now let's crunch those abs at that home gym you built when you lost cu...
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Start with, "They were the life of the party." No one needs to know they were never invited. Be sure to mention that the dearly departed was surrounded by loved ones. Lonely corpses are sad. Note that they "died peacefully." Last breath tantrums are unappealing. "They died doing what they love" is a good line. Who are we to judge? Who doesn't adore cancer, car crashes, self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head? Say they were, "a fighter, battled valiantly till the end!" The fact that they gave up on life years ago is irrelevant. Remember, it's a "Celebration of Life," not a funeral. Funerals are depressing. Be sure to mention they're in a "better place." Earth sucks, so this is true for everyone. Highly recommend throwing in Heaven. Avoid Hell. It's a downer (though you know that's where they're headed). Their death was "tragic," and must be noted as such. Yes, even if they died peacefully in their sleep, surrounded by loved ones, doing what they loved. I know this isn't happy, but it helps bring in the dough (see last tip). In Lieu of flowers, please send donations to [YOUR GOFUNDME PAGE]. Might as well profit off the poor bastard.
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Boy Scout flag We learned how to tie all the knots, but we did not learn how to untie them. Please send help. Girl Scout flag We're out of cookies. Wisconsin flag We're out of beer. Florida flag Florida Man currently vacationing in Nantucket. California flag Some of our bears mate with geckos, and their offspring consequently walk on the ceiling. Jolly Roger flag Come aboard and take yer booty back. House of Rapunzel flag The royal barber insisted that a pixie cut looked best with Rapunzel's face shape. Lego castle flag When your cheap-ass parents buy you the dollar store bricks that don't even fit together right. Pride flag Sweet, sweet revenge of Vib G. Yor. Polish flag You can reach us at our winter residence in Monaco. Japanese flag Party 'til the sun goes down. New England Patriots flag We confess to all of it: Spygate, Deflategate, replacing Tom Brady with a robot in that BetMGM ad. Prince symbol flag Lake Minnetonka closed to swimmers on account of blue-green algae. We ask for your patience while we purify the waters. Pineapple flag I'm pretty sure I can talk my wife into it. Canadian flag It's autumn.
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1) Purchases of t-shirts by your husband from beach breweries will never exceed the amount of decorative whale pillows you purchase from artsy beach stores, even if it feels like it. 2) There are only two conditions when it's acceptable to suggest to your husband that he purchase a new bathing suit at the beach: 1. He accidentally left the one bathing suit he owns at home. 2. You, or a random passerby, point out that his testicles are visible through the faded fabric of his current suit. 3) Your husband will act like he didn't notice the attractive lady thirty yards to the left. In reality, he saw her an hour ago and already downloaded the virtual JPEG image into the deep recesses of his brain, where only alike photos, irrelevant sports statistics, and obscure lyrics to grunge band songs reside. 4) If you suggest to your husband that he reapply his sunscreen and he waves you off, he's not being disrespectful. He just thinks that if Obi-Wan Kenobi can fight Annakin Skywalker on the fiery planet of Mustafar in Star Wars episode III: Revenge of the Sith, and not get burned, neither will he. 5) If your husband wants you to stop into one of those old-time photo places on the boardwalk with him, dress up in pre-Victorian costumes that haven't been washed since pre-Victorian times, and spend $118 on poor quality photos, just go along with it. 6) Inevitably, your husband will try and explain the weather patterns on the coast and how they differ from the ones at home. 96% of what he says is either made up or is something his father told him in 1986. Nod your head and say, "That's neat, dear." 7) Your husband doesn't want to try seven different restaurants for dinner. He prefers visiting the same one seven times in a row because they cooked his flounder to perfection last year. After the first night, he'll realize the flounder wasn't as good as he remembers and you'll be free to explore other options. 8) Your husband can't be expected to do your laundry while on vacation. You have a lot of weird beach clothes of varying fabrics and he doesn't understand the meaning of 'delicates.' His entire laundry doing experience revolves around cotton. You can, and should, blame his mother for this. 9) Fun fact: Every scented candle smells exactly the same to your husband. Therefore, he trusts you to select the perfect beach themed one to pair with the plethora of whale pillows you already purchased. 10) Your husband is genetically engineered to yell "This is bullshit," while stuck in beach traffic. In 2024, he is also allowed to add a "Goddammit," at his own discretion, because these days the GPS will tell him the exact moment he'll arrive home, and it's steadily increasing. He's not yelling at you, even if he's yelling in your direction because he wanted to leave an hour earlier than you actually did.
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Don't contact anyone from the spirit world who hasn't watched the last several seasons of The Bachelorette, or you'll be up with them half the night. You must keep your hands clasped together with the hands of those on either side of you during the seance; no playing grab-ass beneath the table. If the departed spirit had been lactose intolerant during their time in our realm, make sure not to serve any dairy products to your guests. The departed cannot consume the inflammatory items, of course, but it's just kind of rude. Try to not contact a departed spirit who ever had a one night stand with someone famous during their life, as that's all that they want to talk about, even if it was with some soccer player or something that no one cares about. Please do not break wind during the seance, even if you think that you can sneak one out; the departed spirit knows and can hear all, and the medium channeling the spirit will definitely call you out on it. Prior to the seance, cover all nearby mirrors with black cloth. Mirrors are a gateway between our world and the afterlife which can be breached, and your less attractive friends will be relieved to avoid a reminder of their unappealing appearance. Bringing a Ouija board to a seance is like bringing a lice comb to an orgy; it's bad form, just don't do it. Please don't vape during the seance; many spirits enjoy appearing in the realm of the living with a subtle introduction of otherworldly smoke, and it's very inappropriate to cock block their grand entrance.
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Last summer our @NatlParkService account was famous for warning people about bears in National Parks. But we're not just about bears. And you tourists are not just about trying to pet bears. TIPS: Please do not kick the bison. This whole thing about "Are you safer in the woods with a man or a bear" - you know that's a pithy commentary on today's society, right? Indeed, we might even say a commentary on the history of human relations. What we might not say is that it's safe to be in the woods with a strange bear. A bear you already know and trust, sure, maybe. Maybe you already have a solid, trusting relationship with a bear: From your career in the circus, or your time as a zookeeper, when you spent all day pulling thorns out of bear paws. Or maybe you're a park ranger on vacation, Sarah, but even then you understand that Bob was just never going to be a safe choice in a relationship; I mean, his male friends all call him "Gropemaster" and the first thing he ever told you about himself was that he had a tower of empty White Claw cans 20 levels high. But the point is, the whole thing is a sad joke women instantly recognize as a truth about this crazy world we call Yosemite. You know that, right? Do not bring your Dad Band to the park. Do not play recordings of your Dad Band in any park, national or otherwise. It frightens the animals. It frightens everyone. Every living thing, including the grass. Please do not stick your hand in a boiling hot spring. Unless you do that at home. If that is how you are accustomed to getting spaghetti out of the pot at home, by all means, you, sir, absolutely know what you are doing, and who are we at the National Park Service to tell you that sticking your bare hand in a volcanically-heated, bubbling 198°F hot spring is going to harm your bare flesh. Speaking of bare: Once again, please do not attempt any physical contact with bears. This includes playful tickling, lustful sex, or dentistry. If you decide to take a cute picture of your three-year-old feeding a hot dog to a bison, just turn yourself in to the authorities now. (We are the authorities.) Your toddler's finger will not grow back. Speaking of fingers: You do not play the guitar as well as you think you do. You might think you've "still got it" but if you think about it, if you ever had it to still "got" you would not have have spent your career as an Enviro consultant and then an accountant for your cousin's car dealership when you failed at consulting. Just stop. We do have caves; play your gitbox in one of those. Maybe the bears will welcome you. Only you can prevent forest fires! It's strange that a bear knows this better than you do. It's weird that you even have matches. Who uses matches anymore? That thing under your car is called a "road." It is designed specifically to accommodate motor vehicles. If you do not see a road under your vehicle, you are in a ditch, bear's mouth, or 198°F hot spring. Our national parks contain many fabulous lakes that are not 198°F hot springs. However, if you decide to take a moonlit skinny dip with your loved one, we recommend you not leave you clothes on the path, where other campers might find them and walk off with them. (True story. I brought them back when the shouting started.) There are many natural herbs in our forests and canyons. Some have been known for centuries as sources of healing, even enlightenment. There are also many poisonous plants, and sometimes even poison ivy. If you want to make yourself tea from any of these, we can't stop you. We have also given up warning you about water quality, or that some of that water is 198°F. Please do not hog the outhouses. Speaking of outhouses, another reminder: Do not invite the other members of your Dad Band to jam with you around the campfire. It might seem harmless to you - even "fun" - but there are children sleeping within 400 square miles. And spouses that are already having second second thoughts about what retirement with you home ...
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Hi there! Nice to have you all here in my home. First tossup is worth 15 minutes of my attention. Category is "animal sounds." Piper? Squeak! No. Roger? Caw! That's it! Roger Sajak from right here in Los Angeles. Says here you're good friends with the other falcons down the street at Drew Carey's? Caw! Caw! Gotcha. Next we have Piper Sajack from - look at that - Los Angeles. I'm told you're a big fan of tug of war and playing in water? Squeak! Squeak! Good stuff. Classic ferret. And then we have Fibula Sajak, born in Chicago and now living in - wow! - Los Angeles. Amazing. Fibula, are you there? All contestants must be visible; this is TV. Because everyone is being filmed these days, Roger. That's how. Producers, do we have a substitute? Great. Helpful as always, Degas dancers. Howdy, Finger Sajak. I hear you love to paint, and you have nine siblings? I'm seeing a thumbs up from one of them. Alright then. You three will be going up against last week's players. You've seen them around. Next tossup is worth a half hour of my time. Category is "home appliance sounds." Faucet? Gushhh. Nope. Relax, Piper. Fridge? Hummm. You got it. Fridge Sajak, on the board. You know what? I'll be delegating that half hour to my maid. Still appreciate you, though. Which reminds me: it's 4:45. Time for dinner. Alright, our final tossup is worth twenty minutes, more or less. We're looking for "fresh out of the microwave cheesy food sounds." Fondue? Glub. No - microwaved cheesy food sounds. Fajita? Sizzzzle. Yes! Fajita Sajak, joining the fun. Don't look at me like that, Fondue. I make them cheesy, even if that isn't traditional. If you insist, go take it up with the judges on the chess board. No, silly, just the ones in black. Finger, can you spin the wheel for our next puzzle? While you're up, turn the faucet off? Yes, I forgot. Don't be difficult. I could stop getting manicures, you know. Thank you. The category now is "warm clothing sounds." Fedora, you'd like to solve? Fedora? I need an answer. Not quite your element, now is it. Fleece? Zzzzzip. Judges? Okay, we'll allow it. Fleece takes it, with an assist from finger and his spokesman. This being a prize puzzle, fleece, you'll get plenty of time with me… …on my trip next month to Alaska! Fedora, you wait here. Italy's in August. Our final puzzle before the commercial break is "sounds at my front door about two minutes after the security guard at my gate falls asleep." Fanboy? KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Ugh, yeah. Piper, get out of my pant leg! Okay, Steve, Mitchell - whatever your name is. You win another 13 seconds with me while I sign this DVD box set for you. Congrats. Now if you don't mind, I have to do the bonus round and then settle in for Jeopardy. I think this is the day that Fridge finally gets a Daily Double.
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