Эпизоды
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In this episode of How to be a Terrible Daughter, we expand on a topic we touched on in previous episode, and it’s a BIG one, boundaries —a concept that might as well have been a foreign language growing up with narcissistic parents. Boundaries weren’t just discouraged; they were often trampled over, leaving us with the difficult task of figuring out how to set them as adults. Whether it’s about personal space, emotional needs, or your work environment, boundaries are more than just a defense mechanism—they’re essential to your well-being. We explore why these invisible lines are so crucial, the common misconceptions that surround them, and how you can start recognizing when and where you need to draw them.
We also share the reality of what happens when boundaries aren’t respected—or worse, when they’re outright ignored. We illustrate how failing to set or enforce boundaries can leave you vulnerable to continued emotional invasions. But it’s not just about the doom and gloom; we also discuss the very first steps you should take before setting a boundary, the importance of solitude in recognizing your needs, and how to approach these tough conversations without feeling like you’re asking for too much. Spoiler: You’re not.
Finally, we look at the surprising benefits of boundaries—because, yes, they’re not just about keeping people out. In fact, boundaries can be a form of intimacy, allowing you to connect more deeply with those who respect them. We wrap up with some practical tools you can use to protect your emotional space and examples of mantras that help reinforce your sense of agency. If you’ve ever felt like your boundaries are constantly being tested, this episode will give you the armor you need to protect your peace—and maybe even find some comfort in the process.
FYI – this is the last episode of season one. We’ve so enjoyed (over)sharing our stories with you. We’ll be back for season two soon. Stay tuned! And stay away from your mom. PS: We still want to hear from you even though we’re working on things behind the scenes. You’re our new bestie, so don’t be afraid to reach out and say hi!
We’re so happy to be here with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop. Unlike the narcissist in your life, we'd love to hear your stories and how they affected you. Email us or DM us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod or at [email protected]!
What We Cover In This Episode:
• The need for boundaries in all three different areas: person, environment and occupation [3:58]
• What boundaries are and a common misconception that exists about them [8:40]
• Specific signs that Elizabeth received from their body and the role that being in solitude helps in recognizing these signs [10:14]
• The very first step to take before you set a boundary [10:48]
• Examples of what a boundary can look like and verbiage you can use to have agency in these situations [16:29]
• Certain agency mantras Elizabeth had to learn and the ways in which self-abandonment differs from sharing [25:12]
• A cautionary tale from Megan of what can happen by not asking for help [31:19]
• Actionable tips for approaching the conversation on boundaries, plus strategies for checking in with yourself when you’re feeling uncomfortable in the situation [36:08]
• Elizabeth’s “Mini Crazy Mom Off” story where their right to privacy was taken away in such a demeaning way [44:06]
• Megan’s “Mini Crazy Mom Off” where a clear and defined boundary with her mother was violated [49:26]
• Helpful tools that we used this week, with one related to boundaries around devices and another that showed how a boundary can actually be a form of intimacy [57:00]
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In this episode of How to be a Terrible Daughter, we take a stroll through the exhausting, often invisible labor of loneliness that comes with having a narcissistic parent. This isn’t the kind of loneliness where you finally get some peace and quiet—no, this is more like an unpaid internship where you’re emotionally drained and questioning your life choices daily. It's the kind of loneliness that’s so deeply ingrained in your reality that you might start believing it's normal. We explore how this brand of loneliness shapes your relationships and why your siblings might carry completely different scars despite growing up in the same emotional funhouse. And let’s not forget the coping mechanisms we’ve developed to survive—those trusty tools that, surprise, often keep us shackled to the very people we’d love to avoid.
We dive into the lasting damage that persists even after the narcissist has made their grand exit, and how to break out of the “can’t win” cages they so meticulously build. For those who like to turn lemons into something a bit stronger, we share how to transform that pile of trauma into “F*ck You Fuel” to power your way forward. By the end of this episode, you’ll hopefully feel a little less alone, a little more understood, and maybe even ready to give a mental high-five to your past self for making it this far.
We’re so happy to be here with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop. Unlike the narcissist in your life, we'd love to hear your stories and how they affected you. Email us or DM us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod or at [email protected]!
What We Cover In This Episode:
• What to understand about the difference between loneliness and being alone [3:01]
• How Megan learned to handle feeling the intense hunger for emotional connection and the way she started to feel disconnected from her own self [6:45]
• Why the coping skills we put in place often allow the abuser to keep abusing us [13:16
• The “can’t win” situation narcissists often put us in and the way out of this cage [17:06]
• How your experience with loneliness will be different than that of your siblings and why we feel this happens in so many families [22:13]
• A look at intergenerational trauma and the damage that may last forever even after the narcissist is gone [26:59]
• What Megan is doing to turn trauma into “F*ck You Fuel” [30:00]
• Our “Mini Crazy Mom Offs” centered around the theme of gift giving for the both of us [34:38]
• The tools we used to cope this week that led to the release of tension and helped combat the loneliness we feel [46:19]
Links & Resources:
001: Welcome to Our Nightmare
003: Barbed Wire Mommy
To Make a Friend, Ask Someone For a Favor. | Psychology Today
Song learning and social interaction in indigo buntings
THE LONELIEST WHALE | Official Trailer | Bleecker Street
Noah Rothschild IBP Introduction to Sustaining Constancy Breathwork Series
Trauma Release Exercise (TRE)
Powder horn (Wikipedia)
Swatch
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Пропущенные эпизоды?
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Welcome back to "How to Be a Terrible Daughter!" In this special mailbag episode, we’re diving into your burning questions about surviving and thriving despite narcissistic relationships. We kick things off by discussing how to handle those who get prickly about the term "narcissist"—because let's be honest, it’s not your job to make everyone else comfortable with the truth. We also clear up some common misconceptions about what victims of abuse "should" look like, reminding everyone that looking put together can often be a trauma response, not a sign that everything’s okay.
One of the most powerful analogies we explore is the idea that, growing up with a narcissistic parent, you’re handed a manual for being a robot instead of a human. The narcissist dictates everything, from how you should think to how you should feel, leaving you disconnected from your true self. Elizabeth shares how this played out in her life, and we look at the psychological warfare that makes you question your every move.
We also respect the privacy of our listeners by not using names, understanding that many are still trapped in the web of narcissistic trauma. The fear of repercussions and the deep-seated shame instilled by the narcissist make speaking out a daunting task. We’re here to honor that fear and provide a safe space for all of you navigating this difficult path.
Finally, we wrap up with our usual “Mini Crazy Mom Off” and some practical tools for getting through the week. Plus, we’re excited to share ways you can anonymously join our growing community. Whether you’re here for advice, solidarity, or just a good laugh at the absurdity of it all, this episode has got you covered. If we didn’t have time to answer your question in this episode, don’t worry, we’re sure we’ll be doing another mailbag episode in the future – so keep writing in!
We’re so happy to be here with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop. Unlike the narcissist in your life, we'd love to hear your stories and how they affected you. Email us or DM us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod or at [email protected]!
What We Cover In This Episode:
How to respond if others get “prickly” about the term “narcissist” [2:36]
Common misconceptions people have about the ways in which victims of abuse should act [5:46]
Two different interactions Elizabeth recently had that demonstrate both being heard, and not heard, by the other person [9:06]
A closer look at the flying monkeys that we have been talking about on the podcast and the role that they play for narcissists [13:12]
Our thoughts on what is happening when victims always feel like they’re doing something wrong and the analogy we use of being given a manual for how to be a robot, not a human [21:41]
Something to keep in mind about the rules of the game that the narcissist often plays by [25:34]
A recurring thought pattern that one listener is having and one thing to keep in mind that can make all the difference when self-reflecting on narcissism [28:14]
A very important reminder that you are NOT the crazy one [32:06]
Our “Mini Crazy Mom Offs” and a story about a mother’s bullying, along with a horror story of someone coming back from the grave [34:10]
What we’ve been using to help us get through our weeks, including tools for self-dialogue and long-term goal setting [50:26]● How we’re looking to branch out with this podcast and a way that you can get involved, anonymously [54:46]
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Welcome back to "How to Be a Terrible Daughter," where we tackle the gut-wrenching yet necessary step of going no contact with a narcissistic mother. First, let's break down what "no contact" really means, it's not just about ignoring a few phone calls. It's about reclaiming your peace and sanity from the grip of a narcissist. It’s a dreaded yet liberating move that can feel like cutting off a gangrenous limb to save your life. But trust us, it’s often as necessary as it sounds.
Megan kicks things off with her tale of setting boundaries that her mother bulldozed through, leading to the tough decision of no contact. It's a tale of boundaries being set like iron gates and then, of course, being trampled like they were made of wet tissue paper. Elizabeth shares her own regret about waiting too long to go no contact, reinforcing why the best time to act is yesterday.
We discuss the logistics of cutting ties, likening it to planning a covert mission. Narcissists don’t just vanish into thin air—they escalate, often dragging other family members into the chaos. Think of it as a twisted game of emotional chess, where every move you make needs to be calculated with precision. We offer practical advice on setting boundaries and dealing with fallout from family members who might not understand your decision.
Please note that this episode may include general details of experiences that we’d have with clients in our line of work, but be assured that no identifying information is included and that confidentiality is still maintained.
We’re so happy to be here with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop. Unlike the narcissist in your life, we'd love to hear your stories and how they affected you. Email us or DM us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod or at [email protected]!
What We Cover In This Episode:
● What going “no contact” means and what the main goal of it should be [1:37]
● Megan’s process of going no contact with her other, how she started it and the boundaries she put in place that ultimately weren’t respected [3:29]
● Why Megan didn’t regret going no contact with her mother for about 30 years and the reason that Elizabeth regretting waited so long to do the same with their mother [7:03]
● The “how” of going no contact and the chain reaction that occurs after contact with the narcissist is cut off [13:37]
● Some of the ramifications of going no contact and what you should be prepared for in regard to other family members [16:54]
● The reasons why going no contact for Elizabeth was more complicated and why they say that no matter what your situation is, proper planning is critical [20:03]
● Helpful hints to navigate going no contact if you decide to do it [29:23]
● What the narcissist really wants, and why it’s not saving the relationship with you [45:14]
● A “Mini Crazy Mom Off” about Elizabeth’s mother and how it shows the reality of what happens when you go no contact with a narcissist [46:23]
● An unbelievable response Megan’s mother had to a situation regarding her health that showed who she really was [57:45]
● A game-changing practice Elizabeth is using to return to who they really are [68:03]
● How a movie recommendation from a friend recently provided Megan validation and healing [70:11]
Links & Resources:
003: Barbed Wire Mommy
004: Narcissistic Abuse: A Carnival of Mind F*ckery
Problemista (2023)
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In this latest episode of our podcast, we tackle the unique and often misunderstood grief experienced by children of narcissistic parents. We've all been there—grieving someone who's still alive. We dive into how grieving can be a complex and prolonged process, sharing personal stories and insights that many will find all too familiar. From the subtle ways we've had to make ourselves small to the armor we've built to protect our hearts, we unpack the emotional baggage that comes with a narcissistic upbringing.
We also take a look at unique types of grief experienced by children of narcissistic parents. We explore four different types of grief, with a special focus on complicated, atypical grief, and discuss why narcissists might feel regret but rarely change their behavior.
As always, we offer practical tools that have helped us, including tips to expand self-love, and remind you of the importance of community in these experiences. Whether it's through listening to our podcast or treating yourself to some well-deserved flowers, know that you are not alone, and you are definitely not selfish for prioritizing your well-being.
We’re so happy to be here with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop. Unlike the narcissist in your life, we'd love to hear your stories and how they affected you. Email us or DM us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod or at [email protected]!
What We Cover In This Episode:
• How Elizabeth came to realize they had been grieving their mother their whole life, even when she was alive [4:19]
• The way that Megan felt when her mother passed a few years ago and why it may not have been typical of the “normal” way others grieve [5:44]
• A breakdown of four different types of grief and a closer look at the main one we talk about today, complicated grief [6:59]
• How narcissists can feel regret, but it doesn’t translate into action or a change in behavior [12:38]
• The stages Megan has gone through to learn what it’s like to give and receive love [16:54]
• One of the main reasons why people with trauma find and gravitate towards each other [20:32]
• The way in which we often cut off parts of ourselves and are made to be small when raised by a narcissist, and the “armor” Elizabeth had to put on to protect themselves growing up [24:04]
• Elizabeth’s “Mini Crazy Mom Off” and a special moment in their life where a narcissist try to make it all about herself [36:18]
• Megan’s “Mini Crazy Mom Off” and a narcissistic act that her mother did upon passing [41:19]
• More tools that have helped us, including one that will help you expand the love you have for yourself [49:03]
• A reminder of how you can contribute and be a part of the experience here on the podcast [55:03]
Links & Resources:
Stages of Grief
Mettā meditation
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Welcome back to part two of our latest episode on the ins and outs of narcissistic abuse. If you missed our previous talk, here's a quick recap: we explored how this type of abuse differs starkly from other emotional harms. Trust us, it's uniquely troubling.
This week, Megan shares a revealing story about a narcissist's distorted view of reality—it's as unsettling as it sounds. We also dive into the murky waters of narcissistic behaviors, discussing the phenomena of splitting and narcissistic rage. Plus, Megan brings an intriguing insight from her experience with clients who were the "golden child" in their families. It might just shift your perspective.
And, because we all need a little levity, get ready for the "Mini Crazy Mom Off." Elizabeth brings a twist with a Thomas Jefferson quote that bizarrely fits our narrative, and Megan recounts the saga of reopening communication with her mother after years of silence—through some jaw-dropping emails.
How do we keep our spirits up amidst this chaos? This week, screaming goats have been our unexpected heroes. Yes, really—screaming goats. So, join us as we tackle these intense topics with a mix of humor and empathy. You're not alone on this journey; let's navigate it together.
Have you experienced any of these tactics? Unlike the narcissist in your life, we'd love to hear your stories and how it affected you. Email us or DM us on Instagram!
We’re so happy to be here together with each other and with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop, and we would love for you to connect with us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod or send us an email, [email protected]!
What We Cover In This Episode:
• A summary of narcissistic abuse in case you missed last week and how this type of abuse is so different from other kinds [1:55]
• A specific example from Megan’s past that demonstrates a narcissist’s view of reality [4:30]
• Profound comments by Elizabeth’s husband on narcissistic abuse and a great war analogy that demonstrates its intricacies [10:25]
• Narcissistic rage and when, and how, it tends to arise for the narcissist [13:13]
• A conversation on splitting and what two different ways to think about it [21:57]
• Something fascinating that Megan has seen in her clients who were viewed as the “golden child” growing up [24:15]
• Elizabeth’s “Mini Crazy Mom Off” and the role that a Thomas Jefferson quote played in this experience [30:50]
• Megan’s “Mini Crazy Mom Off” and a story about emails she received from her mother after many years of no contact with her [38:00]
• Tools that helped us get through this week when triggered, including screaming goats [46:09]
Links & Resources:
004: Narcissistic Abuse: A Carnival of Mind F*ckery
Mother (The Police, Official Video)
Thor Is Rewarded With Screaming Goats Scene | Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse/
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/abuse/narcissistic-abuse-examples-how-to-identify-if-youre-a-victim-of-abuse/
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In this episode, we're going to explore the many subtypes of narcissistic abuse. Yes, there are so many that we need to employ a categorization system. In fact, there are so many that this will be a two-part episode.
A core focus will be understanding what makes narcissistic abuse so distinctly damaging compared to other forms of mistreatment. We'll illustrate how these toxic manipulators operate and the mind-bending reality distortions they employ to maintain control. We'll examine the traumatic effects of behaviors like love bombing, boundary violations, splitting, gaslighting, and the pernicious blame-shifting of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).
Of course, we'll end by sharing some crazy mom stories and tools we used this week to maintain our sanity.
Have you experienced any of these tactics? Unlike the narcissist in your life, we'd love to hear your stories and how it affected you. Email us or DM us on Instagram!
We’re so happy to be here together with each other and with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop, and we would love for you to connect with us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod or send us an email, [email protected]!
What We Cover In This Episode:
• A brilliant quote and analogy about what it’s really like having a narcissistic parent and some of the ways in which victims of this type of abuse can feel [1:33]
• What makes narcissistic abuse different than other kinds of abuse [5:05]
• Our thoughts on the love bombing and devaluation that occurs with narcissistic abuse and why this sort of cycle is so overwhelming to the system of the victim [12:17]
• The ways that ignoring boundaries play a key piece in narcissistic abuse [20:08]
• What the DARVO acronym stands for and a role-play that demonstrates its nuances [22:33]
• Our weekly “Mini Crazy Mom Off” stories that cover triangulation, destabilization and more [30:09]
• The tools we both used this week and how Elizabeth’s may seem counterintuitive, but was effective for them [41:50]
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·. Links & Resources:
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse/
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/abuse/narcissistic-abuse-examples-how-to-identify-if-youre-a-victim-of-abuse/
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In this episode, Elizabeth and Megan explore the intricate world of attachment wounds, particularly those etched by the icy touch of narcissistic parents. We examine the critical concept of "mirroring" in infancy and the long-term effects these formative experiences have on our adult lives. We’re going to unpack how early relationships—or the lack thereof—set the stage for a lifetime of complicated emotional navigation. With scientific studies and personal stories, we shed light on the challenges of growing up under the cold gaze of caregivers more akin to wire monkeys than warm humans. Come along as we wade through these emotional undercurrents—it's like therapy, but with more jokes and fewer copays.
We’re so happy to be here together with each other and with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop, and we would love for you to connect with us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod or send us an email, [email protected]!
What We Cover In This Episode:
• What attachment is in general and what we’d like you to understand about the concept of “mirroring” as a baby [4:51]
• A classic study using monkeys that revealed the importance of maternal contact and reinforces what we are talking about on today’s episode about attachment [13:07]
• The ways in which having a narcissistic parent is a lot like having a wire monkey parent [17:13]
• What the science shows about the issues you can have as an adult after facing this sort of trauma from an early age [18:03]
• Two metaphors that accurately describe what it’s like to grow up in this sort of situation [28:12]
• Megan’s “Mini Crazy Mom Off” and a story about her mother and playdates that impacted the way that she saw herself as a child [34:39]
• Elizabeth’s “Mini Crazy Mom Off” and what it led to in terms of how they viewed the material things they possess [46:09]
• A time this week we were triggered and the simple tools we used to bring ourselves back to feeling more secure and safe [54:46]
Links & Resources:
https://www.psychologicalscience.org/publications/observer/obsonline/harlows-classic-studies-revealed-the-importance-of-maternal-contact.html
https://www.thechatner.com/p/wire-mother-energy-drink
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-article/creating-secure-attachment
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Join us on this week’s journey into the heart of darkness—okay, maybe just the heart of trauma, but let’s be real, sometimes it feels like the same thing. This week, we’re unearthing the behemoth known as complex trauma in an episode we've aptly named "Jurassic Trauma." Why Jurassic? Because some wounds are as old and as deep as dinosaur bones, and just as tricky to handle without the right equipment.
We also unravel the "raindrop theory," because honestly, telling someone with complex trauma to "just get over it" isn't helpful. We distinguish the heavy-hitters from the everyday stresses that push us to grow. And yes, we tackle that eye-roller: “doesn’t everybody have trauma?” with some truths that might just make you nod in agreement—or at least make you laugh a little. Plus, tune in for our beloved “Mini Crazy Mom Off”—it’s like family game night, but nobody wins a prize and everybody needs therapy after. Grab your emotional umbrella, folks, we’re about to make it rain wisdom, laughs, and maybe a few tears (the good kind. We hope).
We’re so happy to be here together with each other and with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop, and we would love for you to connect with us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod!
What We Cover In This Episode:
• Where the term gaslighting comes from, plus an important distinction about what it is and isn’t [11:18]
• Our main topic of the day, trauma, and how the definition of the word has changed so much in the last 5 years [31:25]
• What the “raindrop theory” is and why just saying “get over it” doesn’t work with victims of trauma, particularly the complex type [33:45]
• Distinguishing between trauma and something that challenges you or stresses you in order to grow [41:32]
• How to know if you’ve had trauma as a result of narcissistic abuse and the specific questions to ask yourself during this self-reflection [46:38]
• What we say when we hear, “doesn’t everybody have trauma?” [64:47]
• Another edition of our “Mini Crazy Mom Off” with two significant stories from our past [68:25]
• How we both used human connection and leaning on our support system recently to get through difficult situations [81:23]
Links & Resources:
001: Welcome to Our Nightmare
https://www.ilcadv.org/will-you-light-the-gas-please-a-brief-history-of-the-term-gaslighting-and-the-movie-behind-it/
https://medium.com/@artchangeslives/understanding-fight-flight-freeze-and-the-feign-response-1765d7227775
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In this first episode, Megan and Elizabeth introduce themselves, talk about growing up in a narcissistic family, and explain why they embraced being terrible daughters. If you’ve been struggling with making sense of your childhood or you want to know more about what emotional abuse looks like, this is the place for you. And if you know that you grew up in a toxic family and want to find community, know that you belong here, too.
We’re so happy to be here together with each other and with you. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app to automatically get all of the new episodes as soon as they drop, and we would love for you to connect with us on Instagram, @terribledaughterpod!
What We Cover In This Episode:
A look at what this podcast is all about, and who it is and isn’t for [2:02]
What functional loss is and how we will be exponentially expanding the definition of grief [20:12]
A breakdown of narcissism and personality disorders, plus how they differ from one another [27:15] Why we’re using narcissism as catch-all term for narcissism, borderline personality, and anti-social personality disorders [44:43] A big realization that Elizabeth recently made from what the clients they work with have told them [55:06] How to tell if you have a narcissistic parent and the resource that Megan used which brought so much clarity to her own relationship with mother [56:32] What our “Crazy Mom Off” segment will be and some stories from both of our lives that we want to share [64:17]
Additional tools that we both use to get through difficult times on our own journeys [55:24]Links & Resources:
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-23099-001
https://theawarenesscentre.com/narcissistic-parent/
https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/3ay1zfrv72snm0pn8koie/ANamvpZWLJ2tpn1ulH92ogc?rlkey=bjev5zkpvo1qhmqwsxpxqnv71&st=kyq7yqmx&dl=0
https://www.taramohr.com/the-playing-big-book/
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Wondering how to be a terrible daughter? Listen as Elizabeth Malamed and Megan Caper, mental health professionals who also happen to be cousins, discuss growing up in toxic families, surviving narcissistic abuse, and moving forward after trauma. The How To Be a Terrible Daughter podcast is a place to find community, put words to your experience, and laugh at the dark stuff. We’ll share our stories from our own childhoods, make mental health concepts easy to understand, and interview intriguing guests along the way. Oh, and you can also let Megan and Elizabeth hate your parents for you if you're having mixed feelings. We don’t mind, we’ve got plenty of pent up anger for everyone. If your parents have ever called you terrible, horrible or something even worse, come join us!