Эпизоды
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We often think confidence comes from trusting our instincts, but what if those gut reactions are actually holding us back?
Sometimes, we make snap judgments about people, situations, or even ourselves, without giving things a real chance. And those assumptions can stop us from experiencing real connection, growth, or opportunities.
Take my recent Portugal trip, for example. I met a couple I thought I had nothing in common with—different backgrounds, beliefs, everything. My initial reaction was to dismiss them. But guess what? They ended up becoming close friends.
That experience taught me that confidence isn’t about making fast decisions or sticking to what’s comfortable. It’s about being open, curious, and giving yourself—and others—a chance.
We all have biases, often based on past experiences or fear of looking foolish. But when we question those assumptions, we find out they’re often false. Confidence is about stepping beyond those fear walls, giving new things time to settle, and trusting that the discomfort won’t last forever.
True confidence grows when we stop relying on those quick, fear-based decisions and start being more intentional about the opportunities we let in. So next time, instead of saying “no” right away, ask yourself why. You might be surprised at what you find on the other side.
So if you’re ready to look beneath the surface and make better decisions for yourself, this episode is for you. Tune in, challenge your biases, and let’s grow that confidence together!
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Ever catch yourself putting on a brave face or carefully picking which parts of your life to show out of fear of ridicule or rejection? This “hiding” behavior is something we all do to varying degrees depending on vulnerabilities and the fear that drives it, isn’t protecting us as much as we want to believe. In fact, “hiding” can really mess with our personal growth and stand in the way of forging real connections with others.
So, when I had the chance to talk with Ruth Rathblott—TEDx speaker, former CEO, and a powerhouse advocate for inclusion—about this concept of “unhiding”, I jumped at the chance because as terrifying as it sounds, you know that self-liberation is waiting for you on the other side.
For Ruth, her “hiding” came in the form of drawing attention away from having a limb difference that makes navigating a world where disability is often overlooked in conversations a real challenge. For you, it may be choosing to keep any trauma, personal, financial or other emotionally-charged struggles under wraps.
Our caveman brains tell us that “hiding” protects us, keeps us safe within the tribe, but in the modern world this behavior is a form of self-isolation, which is the opposite of the authentic connect we think we’re trying to protect.
Ruth and I get into all of this more during our conversation. Highlights from our time together include:
The universal nature of hiding and its impact on mental and physical healthHow to take the reins away from your insecurities and own your personal narrativeThe ways vulnerability connect us and lead to deeper, more meaningful interactions; andRuth’s four-step framework for overcoming your own tendency to hideRuth Rathblott’s experiences and advice offer valuable lessons on embracing one’s full identity and fostering genuine belonging. I’m excited for you to hear our conversation and learn from Ruth’s journey and insights. For more on Ruth and her work, visit RuthRathblott.com and connect with her on LinkedIn.
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Пропущенные эпизоды?
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Let’s talk about something that we all grapple with but don’t always acknowledge—control.
Yeah, that word might hit you in different ways depending on how you see it. For some, control sounds like a bad thing, a power trip, or even manipulation. But for others, it's a way to bring order, efficiency, and clarity into their lives.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this, especially after someone once called me a “control freak.” I was offended, and I bet you would be too. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized control isn’t all bad. In fact, it’s something we all do, whether we like to admit it or not. And guess what? It can be a force for good, not just for us, but for the people around us.
Imagine walking into a restaurant and being genuinely nice to your server. What happens? They’re likely to respond with the same kindness, right? In that moment, you're controlling the interaction in a positive way. It’s not manipulative; it’s human nature.
The way we act can directly influence how others behave. That’s control, but it’s also compassion, connection, and confidence in action.
Control isn’t the enemy—it’s a tool— and in this episode of Real Confidence I’m going to show you how it’s a force for good. And when you know how to do that, you’ll want to let your control freak flag fly!
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Let me tell you—I just had one of the most eye-opening, liberating conversations with the incredible Mervyn Reid-Nelson, founder of You at Yours, Boudoir & BODY CONFIDENCE Photography studio in London. Our conversation was a wild ride through the world of photography, body image, and how stepping in front of the camera can be a powerful journey toward self-love and confidence.
Merv's approach is unlike anything you've ever heard before. It's not just about snapping pretty pictures; it's about creating an experience that helps you tap into the most authentic version of yourself. We took a deep dive into the psychology behind why photos of ourselves can make us feel so vulnerable and how Merv's unique method flips the script, turning a simple photo session into a life-changing rollercoaster of emotions.
Highlights from our chat include:
Why the journey of being photographed can be more empowering than the final image itself.How Merv helps clients, particularly women, regain confidence in their bodies—sometimes by going completely nude! The reasons your most authentic, unposed moments make the best photos (how to channel your true feelings to light up any image)Why seeing your photos for the first time can be nerve-wracking; andMerv’s expert tips on how to prepare for any photo op by tapping into real emotions—whether you're in front of a professional lens or just snapping a selfie.This episode left me buzzing with excitement—and maybe even a little nervous energy—because it reminded me that confidence isn't about perfection; it’s about embracing who we are in our most raw, real moments.
Trust me, after listening to this, you might just find yourself booking a flight to do a shoot with Merv—or at least looking at your next headshot session with a brand-new perspective.
Tune in now, and let’s get you feeling photo-fabulous!
Want to learn more about Merv’s work? Find him on Instagram at or visit his website youatyours.com.
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We’ve all been there—caught off guard by the presence of someone we perceive as powerful or important, and suddenly feeling small or unsure. Whether it’s a senior leader at work, a celebrity, or even a family member, that sense of intimidation is real. But here’s the kicker: no matter how polished or accomplished they appear, they’re human too. They wake up, get dressed, and face insecurities just like the rest of us. In fact, many of them feel just as nervous in unfamiliar situations as we do. Understanding this can shift your perspective and help you approach these encounters with a bit more confidence.
Often the most accomplished people only within their "zone of competence." Take them out of that comfort zone—maybe into a social setting or a new activity—and they can feel just as nervous as anyone else. The difference? They’ve learned to mask it well. But knowing this can help you realize that confidence isn’t a constant state—it fluctuates based on the situation.
And guess what? That’s totally normal.
But adapting to a situation where you feel not-as-good-as isn’t just about recognizing that everyone else is human; it’s about how you engage with them, too.
In this episode of Real Confidence I share some simple strategies that work wonders to level the perceived playing field and position yourself as someone who’s confident and resourceful. It’s a subtle yet powerful way to build a connection and remind yourself—and them—that just like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You’re unique, just like everyone else."
I’ve seen this approach work time and time again, and I’m excited to hear how it goes for you. Don’t forget to share your experiences, and let’s continue to bring more confidence into the world, one bold move at a time!
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My guest on this episode is Sherianna Boyle, whose work on emotional detox is truly fascinating. It’s a topic I wasn’t super-familiar with before we talked, but her approach – from the spiritual, psychological, and even neurological perspectives – made it easy to understand.
But first off, what exactly is emotional detox?
According to Sherianna, it's all about clearing out the reactions we have to our emotions, kind of like a cleanse for our emotional responses. Instead of removing the emotions themselves, we're focusing on how we react to them.
Patterns of reaction can keep us stuck in a cycle of stress, anxiety, and overwhelm, trapping us in that fight-flight-freeze-freak-out mode.
Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. Not just because we’ve all been there, but because working with our brains to respond instead of react to confidence kickers is at the heart of my own work.
But how do we know when we need this detox? Whenever we feel constant overwhelm, stress, or like we’re losing control, it’s a sign that it might be time to hit the reset button on our emotional processing.
The best part: emotional detox isn't just about coping with the momentary stress. It's about processing those emotions in a meaningful way. Sherianna has even developed a seven-step process called CLEANSE to help guide you.
In a world saturated with self-help trends and quick fixes, the true power of emotional detox can sometimes get lost in the noise. I’m sharing it with you, so it doesn’t. Because when you can rid yourself of that static, your path to Real Confidence rings loud and clear.
Sherianna Boyle is the author of ten traditionally published books. She is the founder of Emotional Detox Coaching®, creator of the Cleanse Method®, and author of the Emotional Detox book series. Her most recent book, Energy in Action: The Power of Emotions & Intuition to Cultivate Peace and Freedom, is transforming the way we think about and approach manifesting. Her book, The Four Gifts of Anxiety, was endorsed by the National Association of Mental Health. Learn more about Sherianna at sheriannaboyle.com.
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Imagine starting at rock bottom—homeless, with nothing but the clothes on your back—and rising to become one of the few female senior managers in the male-dominated car sales industry. That’s Jess Sudeall’s journey, one fueled by sheer determination, a relentless work ethic, and the refusal to let anyone or anything stand in her way. In this episode of Real Confidence, she shares my story, from sleeping outside in the dead of winter to breaking barriers in an industry – car sales - that still struggles to embrace diversity.
She starts by talking about how she grew up in a family of high achievers, including a sister who went to Yale and Harvard, while she chose a very different path. Not only was her journey difficult, Jess found herself homeless, stubbornly refused help, but was determined to make something of myself. Her first job in sales came when she was still living in a homeless shelter, wearing the same outfit every day. Despite this rocky start, she quickly rose to become the top salesperson at every dealership she worked at.
In our conversation, we dive into what it’s like to navigate the car sales industry as a woman of color, and the constant challenges she faced, from blatant sexism and racism to being underestimated and overlooked. More importantly, we get into how Jess didn’t let any of that deter her - she knew her worth, her abilities, and that she could make a difference.
Jess has walked a long, hard road but her story is testament to what’s possible when you have the confidence NOT to give up, even when the odds are stacked against you.
If you're struggling to see a way forward in your own life, her message to you is simple: keep going. You have the power to change your circumstances, no matter how dire they may seem. Listen in to hear more about how Jess triumphed—and how you can, too.
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In today’s look-at-me social media world, it’s incredibly easy to get distracted by what others have and what we think we’re missing out on.
For example, I sometimes catch myself wishing for a nicer car or the newest gadget. But then I pause and think, “Wait a minute, I have a pretty great life with what I’ve got.” I remind myself of how lucky I am, especially compared to so many others in the world who have far less.
And there are some things we can be grateful for that we often don’t think about but connect to confidence in an important way.
Like pride.
Growing up, I was taught that being proud was a negative thing, that it was selfish and could intimidate others. But wow, what a warped perspective that was!
Pride is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s something we should embrace. Think about it: being proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished is a key component of confidence.
For example, I’m proud of my kids and their confidence. I’m proud of the two successful companies I’ve built. I’m proud of the beautiful home and pool we’ve created, and our efforts to be environmentally conscious by installing solar panels. It’s not just about physical things or achievements, though. I’m proud of the network I’ve built, the friends I have, and the person I’ve become.
Still, there are days – or weeks – when it feels like everything is wrong. At times like those, I rely on two exercises that we teach at ACI that are designed to remind us of what’s true and anchor us in our core values, needs, and wants, so if there is a gap, we’re also confident we know where to take action that will bring us back to center.
They’re simple, but powerful, almost always lead to profound insights and personal growth and I’m going to walk you through them in this episode. So get a pen and paper ready, and be proud of yourself.
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A Journey to Real Confidence
In this episode, I'm sitting down with John Lawyer, and let me tell you, his story is one you won't want to miss. We're diving deep into his journey from serving in combat zones to facing the challenges of coming home and finding his way again. It's a rollercoaster ride of courage, uncertainty, and ultimately, self-discovery.
As John opened up about his experiences, I was captivated by the twists and turns of his life. From the adrenaline-fueled days in the army to the quiet moments of introspection back home, his story is as real as it gets. And let me tell you, it's not always easy to hear.
But amidst the struggles, there's a glimmer of hope—a moment of clarity that sets John on a path of healing and renewal. It's a journey that's as inspiring as it is relatable, touching on themes of identity, resilience, and the power of self-belief.
As we chatted, I found myself pondering some big questions. How do we find our way when the path ahead seems unclear? How do we silence the doubts and fears that hold us back? John's insights offer a fresh perspective on these age-old dilemmas, reminding us that we're all capable of overcoming even the toughest challenges.
But what I love most about John's story is its universal appeal. Sure, his experiences may be unique, but the lessons he's learned along the way are relevant to us all. Whether you're a veteran adjusting to civilian life or simply someone searching for meaning in a chaotic world, John's journey has something to teach each and every one of us.
Listen in to hear John’s story for yourself and take notes on the guideposts John offers for embarking or continuing on your own confidence journey.
From desert combat zones to a battle within, John Lawyer transformed from soldier to spiritual seeker. He acts as one of several guides for Kishar, a non-profit online spiritual community. This community is a place for people to share their journeys and explore their own unique spiritual path. John is an omnist and believes in the validity of most spiritual and religious beliefs around the world. He offers individual spiritual guidance and coaching services as part of the Kishar Spiritual Community.
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It's a tale as old as time—people waking up one day, 10, 20, or 30 years into their career, wondering "what if?" What if they had made different decisions? What if they had pursued that passion they buried deep down? The "what ifs" can haunt you, especially if you find yourself in a job you're not crazy about.
Maybe you ended up in your current career path because of a college class, family expectations, or just because you were good at it. But now, you're realizing it's not your jam. You're good at what you do, sure, but are you happy? Do you light up when you talk about your job? Or do you find yourself making excuses for why you're still in it?
It’s scary to leave behind the familiar and venture into the unknown. But staying in a job that doesn't fulfill you can be even scarier in the long run. it's a big leap into the unknown, after all. But staying in a job that doesn't fulfill you can take a toll on your confidence. You start doubting your abilities, questioning your decisions, and wondering if you'll ever find something that truly lights you up.
I get it—I've been there. I started out as an engineer because I was good at math, but quickly realized it wasn't for me. So, I pivoted, stumbled into product and corporate marketing, and eventually found my true calling in the neuroscience of confidence and teaching people that confidence is a choice - a skill we can cultivate and learn.
And I wasn’t exactly young when I made that change either. It took time, effort, and a lot of soul-searching, but now I wake up excited about what I do every day.
So, if you're feeling stuck in your career and itching to make a change, listen in. From confronting your fears to identifying your passions, I’ll walk you through how to confidently navigate a career change. After all, your career is a big part of your identity – shouldn’t it be something you’re proud of?
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There are so many trite phrases that get tossed around when life is hard. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” “This too shall pass.” “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” “Life doesn’t give you more than you can handle”...and so on.
While there’s a kernel of truth in all those well-intentioned phrases, they can ring hollow when we’ve just been kicked in the gut, are suffering disappointment, experiencing outright failure or the sting of rejection.
Recently I came across someone whose take on adversity was so fresh, I just had to have her on the podcast. Phebe Trotman is a world-class soccer player turned entrepreneur and author and the title of her book is some of the wisest words I’ve seen strung together: Never Quit On a Bad Day.
Phebe and I talked about those Bad Days - the ones that make you want to throw in the towel or fantasize about moving to a remote mountain town where no one knows you and you can start over – and the practices she uses to quiet the voices that make us want to quit while still honoring our hurt or loss.
Phebe’s positive energy and practical tips are inspirational and motivational in the best (not cheesy) ways. If you need some encouragement and wisdom on building confidence and resilience, this episode is more than worth a listen. Cause let's face it, we're all in this together, and a little encouragement goes a long way.
Highlights from our conversation include:
The value of surrounding oneself with a supportive community that speaks life into you, believes in you, and encourages youHow to view failure and defeat as ways to build your resilience musclesWhy Phebe likes to visualize her dream day and how it helps her stay focused on her goals and maintain a positive mindsetWhat her gratitude practice looks like and how it’s become a tool to shift perspective during difficult timesWhy building an inventory of coping strategies to draw on can help us maintain resilience, and persevere through challengesPhebe Trotman is a successful and heart-centered entrepreneur based in Vancouver, Canada, who is passionate about helping others discover their joy. In both her athletic and professional careers, Phebe’s personal success has been a testament that anything is possible with hard work, dedication, and a team-centered approach. To learn more about Phebe and get a free sample from her book, visit neverquitonabadday.com.
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You may already know that I hate the phrase “fake it ‘til you make it”. You can’t just fake confidence and expect it to stick. You can be dressed to the nines and runway-ready, but if you’re not feeling it, if you’re not actively choosing to be confident, people are going to see, smell and otherwise just know it.
And then you’re just a well-dressed fake.
I’m not saying physical appearance doesn’t matter – because it does – but it’s no substitute for self-respect and being confident and comfortable in your clothes AND skin. Dressing the part can help, but it’s what’s going on inside that really counts.
So how can you look AND be confident?
I’m glad you asked because that’s what I get into in this episode of Real Confidence: Posture, eye contact, nervous ticks, the words that come out of your mouth, how to teach your brain that it’s go-time by creating positive triggers, and my number one insider tip to help you radiate confidence from the inside out.
Hint: it’s something I teach and preach all the time. Listen in and then drop me a line and let me know if you guessed right!
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How to Confidently Interview for that Job
If public speaking is the #1 thing that rattles people’s confidence, then interviewing for a job has got to be a close second.
It doesn’t matter if you’re new to the workforce, returning to the workforce, or a seasoned professional just looking for a change, the prospect of “selling yourself” is totally nerve-wracking – especially when the stakes are high and the new job is a need, not a want.
Conventional interview prep advice tends to focus on studying the organization you’re interviewing with, crafting answers to tricky questions you may (or may not) be asked and getting comfortable with talking about compensation.
But when it comes to your confidence, the advice tends to begin and end with vague and unhelpful phrases like, “Be confident in your abilities,” and “Put your confident best forward.”
That’s all well and good, but what if the interview goes wrong or gets weird? You might have gone in confident and then BOOM. Something knocks you off balance.
My guest on this episode of Real Confidence knows a thing or two about how to master job interviews. Dr. Kyle Elliott used to be a resume reviewer on Fiverr and now is a highly sought-after career and Certified ACI Confidence Coach, largely serving tech executives.
Kyle’s got the goods – and shares them – on how to build, use, and hold onto your confidence before, during, and after the interview so that anytime you have one, you can handle it with poise, ease and resilience.
Top takeaways from our conversation include:
Why it’s helpful to remember that even the most experienced, high-level professionals struggle to articulate their skills and achievements effectivelyHow to create a "fabulousness phrasebook," of your individual selling points and accomplishments to reference during interviews and use as a confidence touchstoneWhat it means to approach an interview as a conversation instead of an interrogation and ways you can control the narrative to demonstrate your communication and critical thinking skillsWays to handle challenging interviews so that even if things don’t go well you know you did your best and don’t leave feeling defeatedWhy post-interview reflection, which is often overlooked, is one of the most important things you can doDr. Kyle Elliott is a high tech career coach, mental health advocate who’s been featured in Business Insider, CNBC, CNN, Entrepreneur, Fast Company, Forbes, Fortune, Glassdoor, Harvard Business Review, The Muse, and The New York Times, among dozens of other leading publications. You can learn more about Kyle and his services at caffeinatedkyle.com.
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I don't think anyone would say they want more stress in their life. But most of us create a lot of unnecessary stress for ourselves and other people.
I have a friend (who shall remain nameless – maybe you have one too) and she’s a real drama queen. She looks for it, she creates it. Even the littlest things, turn into a crisis or story like you’d see in a Seinfeld episode and it is EXHAUSTING to be her and to be around her.
Okay. You might have heard it said that if you can spot it, you’ve got it. And guess what? I’ve got some of it too! I’m highly skilled at adding complexity to things that create more stress for me and others (but I’m getting better!).
So why do we make mountains of molehills? What are we getting out of it except feeling bad?
The short answer is we often react to fear in a self-defeating way. Fear of failure, fear of regret, and fear of rejection – it doesn’t matter – that fear drives us to behave in ways that only ramp up our stress levels.Our brains think they’re doing us a favor by getting us to take actions they believe will keep us safe, but a lot of the time that comes at the cost of our peace of mind.
In this episode of Real Confidence, I get into all the ways we unconsciously create unnecessary stress, how our bodies know we’re stressed before our minds do, and what we can do to prevent ourselves from spiraling out of control and reset our confidence.
Because reducing stress isn’t just about feeling better in the moment – it’s about safeguarding our long-term health and well-being and the best time to start doing that is NOW.
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Friends, I am still reeling from my conversation with Rebecca Yang ,my guest for this episode of Real Confidence. Wow. I mean, talk about an absolute powerhouse of a human being (not to mention being a skilled diplomat). The stories she shared about her experiences in Istanbul and during the Afghanistan evacuation had me hanging on every word.
I couldn't help but be in awe of Rebecca's journey. Here she was, a young diplomat thrown into some of the most intense situations imaginable, from surviving a coup attempt to orchestrating a massive evacuation from Afghanistan. And through it all, she never once faltered in her commitment to living her values.
It’s such a simple yet profound concept and one that clearly guided her through the toughest of times. It's a reminder that confidence and resilience aren't just traits we're born with; they're qualities we cultivate through experience and action.
I feel incredibly lucky to have had the chance to chat with Rebecca and share her story with all of you. It's a reminder that no matter what challenges we face, it's possible to come out on the other side stronger and more resilient than ever.
Highlights from our conversation include:
Why living by your values is especially important in times of crisis when everything is uncertain and situations are fluidHow being able to adapt to change and bounce back from setbacks is crucial for success in ever-changing environments.The importance of leading with empathy when $h!t is hitting the fan and how that impacts decision-making; andThe relationship between mood and action and which one serves us best by coming firstThe ONE thing that most rocked her confidence is truly surprising! And you’ll have to listen in to hear what it was!Rebecca Yang is an experienced Chief of Staff and Strategy and Operations leader with 17+ years of global experience, including as a U.S. diplomat for which she earned two U.S. State Department awards for her service. The best way to learn more about Rebecca is to connect with her on LinkedIn.
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To hug or not to hug? That is the question for a lot of people. Recently I was thinking about the later days of the pandemic, going to a couple of conferences when we were still wearing masks and sitting six feet apart. The conference organizers offered two versions of the badge lanyards to signal whether you were comfortable shaking hands or not.
At the time I was like, oh, what a bummer that this is what we have to declare but in hindsight I think it was probably a big relief for people who, as a rule, don’t like that physical contact and wish they could walk around always with a little sign that says, “Please don’t touch me.”
Personally, I’m a hugger. To me, hugs are more than just squeezes; they're like little happiness boosters with a dash of oxytocin. But let's not kid ourselves, hugging ain't always a walk in the park for everyone.
With cultural quirks and personal preferences in the mix, figuring out when to go in for the hug can be a bit of a head-scratcher. Whichever side of the hug you’re on, you don’t want to offend, right?
In this episode of Real Confidence I’m sharing some tips on how to read the room, pick up on subtle cues from the person in front of you to determine if you’re going to go for it or opt for a cozy, two-handed handshake instead.
The bottom line? Let’s be more mindful of one another’s physical comfort zone and share that confidence through some good old-fashioned kindness.
Listen in to hear more about how to confidently navigate the hug highway and foster human connection!
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Ever wonder which episode or season you’d make it to if you were a character in The Walking Dead? How you’d protect yourself, find shelter, get food? Whom you could trust? What about whether you could trust yourself to do the right thing if your life were under threat or your loyalties were tested?
These questions aren’t just fun party conversation starters – they’re actually a sneaky way to get a handle on how self-reliant you are, and in turn, how confident you feel about taking care of yourself and your loved ones in an actual state of emergency.
Topics like emergency preparedness, self-defense, and home safety and security bring up fear for a lot of people. There’s the Fear with a capital F around the need for these things becoming reality, but also the fear that we won’t know what to do or how to do it if someone isn’t there to help or guide us.
The more self-reliant we are, the more confidence we can have that we have the skills, tools or abilities we need to manage these kinds of serious situations. That doesn’t guarantee a good outcome of course, but the alternative – keeping our heads in the sand – almost promises that things won’t go as well as they could.
Enter John Brewer, my guest on this episode of Real Confidence. John spent 10+ years in Army Special Forces defending his country, his family and his life. Our conversation about the relationship between self-reliance and confidence was riveting. It doesn’t matter if you’re avoiding learning how to program a new remote control or putting go-bags together in case weather events force you to evacuate your home – this episode has something for everyone.
Highlights from our conversation include:
How self-reliance and teamwork fit togetherThe cost of not being more self-reliantHow it’s our belief that something is beyond our learning grasp that makes it soWhy foundational – not expert – knowledge is enough to build self-trust and relianceThe three levels of confidence that are always at play at work or at home, whether you’re a leader or contributor to the teamJohn Brewer is the author of Fight For Your Best Life: The Step-By-Step Self-defense Guide to Personal Empowerment, Protecting Your Loved Ones, and Living Fearless and the founder of Mind, Shield and Spear Consulting group, an organization focused on delivering not just the physical techniques, but also the mental strategies to navigate challenging situations with confidence. Learn more about John at mindshieldandspear.com.
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Listen, life is A LOT and has been for the last four years. I’ll be the first one to tell you that what we lived through changed not how we lived, but how we experienced our lives. We’re not going back to before. We’ve got to live where we are NOW.
And where we are now is emotionally exhausted. The question is why? Are we truly burned out or are we just bored? And how do we know the difference?
One of the problems I see is that (once again), when the way we feel is validated by the media and everyone around us, we’re compelled to label it as a syndrome.
Yes, it helps to know we’re not alone in what we’re feeling or dealing with but giving it a “diagnosis” like that makes it way too easy to put the blame outside ourselves.
So I’m going to ask again: are we truly burned out or are we just bored?
This is top of mind for me because I am craving sleep like it’s my job. It’s not a health issue (I had my doctor look into it) and what I discovered when I got curious about this sleepy malaise might surprise you.
In this episode, I get into that and share my own personal process for identifying what’s draining, exhausting or otherwise sapping my life energy. Listen in to hear what I learned and see if you’re up for a little challenge of your own.
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The human brain is a marvelous thing. All day long it’s tasked with protecting us from anything it perceives as a threat, and it takes that job seriously.
So seriously, in fact, that it actually can’t discern the difference between real, life-threatening situations and getting a vague, last-minute meeting request from our boss.
Whatever the danger, our brains sound the alarm bell, stress hormones begin to flood our system and our amygdalas – that primitive part of our brain – go into overdrive.
We fight, we flee, we freeze or we fawn, all in the name of creating safety and security.
With biology at play like that, is it possible to be confident in a crisis?
The answer is yes, but it’s more accurate to say we can learn how to be MORE confident in a crisis.
My guest on this episode of Real Confidence knows firsthand from her time in AmeriCorps what it’s like to live in a war zone and how we experience threats to our lives and threats to our status, income or relationships in pretty much the same way.
She also has some excellent strategies for how to come back to center and anchor our perception in reality so we can operate from a calmer, cooler place when a crisis (real or perceived) hits.
Takeaways from our conversation include:
Why it’s easier for men to compartmentalize than it is for womenHow to prevent a full-on amygdala hijacking when you feel it starting upThe role curiosity can play in teaching your brain what it is and isn’t a crisisJust how much choice we all really have when in a moment of crisisKristine Scott developed her conflict response and training skills over years directing meal programs for the house insecure. Her monthly training sessions soon started drawing people from all over, leading her to found Seattle Conflict Resolution. Kristine is now a nationally recognized trainer and internationally lauded speaker on conflict management. Her mission is to help people bring their best selves into hard situations. You can learn more about Kristine at seattleconflictresolution.com.
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A lot of people ask me what the opposite of confidence is. On some level I think they already know the answer isn’t insecurity or a lack of self-esteem otherwise why ask the question.
And they’re right. The opposite of confidence is neither of those things.
It’s guilt.
Guilt is quite a tool. Most often we think of it as a tool other people use against us. My mother likes to say, “I didn’t know your phone was broken,” to guilt me into calling more often.
In those situations, when someone’s bullying us, guilt can feel bad, stir up feelings of shame or worthlessness. And I have some things to say about that, too.
But sometimes guilt can be good. I don’t mean that it makes us feel good, but that it’s a sign that we’ve violated our own values, needs and wants.
When we can recognize that, then we also recognize that just like confidence, guilt is a choice. We can wallow in it, or we can use it to address what we did – or didn’t do – and come back to what’s most important to us and then act from THAT place.
Listen in to learn how to spot the different flavors of guilt and what you can do when you feel the weight of it pulling you down, so that the next time it shows up you can rise up confidently to face it.
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