Эпизоды
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In our last conversation with Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett [Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1] a couple of weeks ago we looked at her theory of where emotions originate. This has important implications for things like: How our 'body budgets' affect our feelings How we make meaning from our feelings so our internal experience makes sense That we don't always understand other people's feelings very well!
The introduction to the theory plus the conversation plus the take-home messages would have made for an unwieldy episode, so I split it in half.Today we conclude the conversation with Dr. Barrett and I also offer some thoughts about things I think are really important from across the two episodes, including: What we can do with the information our feelings give us How long we should support children in feeling their feelings (given that they don't always mean what we think they mean!) and when we should help them move on Some tools we can use to re-regulate in difficult moments with our kids
Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's Books (Affiliate Links)How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the BrainSeven and a Half Lessons About the Brain Other episodes mentioned129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids
Jump to Highlights00:59 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests05:01 People in chaotic or uncertain situations, like poverty or neurodivergence, face greater challenges due to the increased stress on their body budgets.18:02 Understanding and managing personal needs as a parent, along with emotional flexibility, can lead to more effective responses to children.23:46 Parents need to balance their own feelings with their children's by asking if their kids want empathy or help. They should remember that every interaction is a chance to teach kids how to manage their emotions.31:07 Parents can view their empathy for their children as a sign of competence, balancing their own needs with their child's emotions.34:22 Jen draws conclusions from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research on emotions, highlighting how parents can use this understanding to empower their children in navigating feelings and enhancing emotional literacy. ReferencesBarrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68.Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429. -
Have you ever wondered where our emotions come from?Do you think that if you look at a person’s face, you can have a pretty good idea of how they’re feeling?But at the same time, do your child’s feelings seem mysterious to you, like you can’t figure them out?Listener Akiko introduced me to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's theory of where our emotions come from, and I found it fascinating. It presents compelling evidence that the ways we've thought about emotions up to now may be entirely wrong.We might think we can match a specific arrangement of facial features (like a scowl) with a particular emotion (like anger), but not everyone scowls when they're angry and people also scowl when they aren't angry.We tend to infer characteristics about our child from things like their tone, so we might hear a 'snarky' tone and think: "My child doesn't respect me," when actually they're feeling hurt because their need for consideration hasn't been met.And sometimes there isn't a deep psychological reason why they're having big emotions...sometimes it's a challenge in balancing what Dr. Barrett calls their 'body budget' (and some of our big emotions come from challenges in balancing our body budgets as well).Dr. Barrett is the author of over 275 peer-reviewed articles on the topic of emotions and is among the top 0.1% of cited scientists in the world, so it was a real honor to speak with her about how our emotions are made...and what this means for: How we make meaning out of our emotions (which is critical to understanding the trauma we've experienced) How we talk with kids about emotions ("You hit Johnny and now he's feeling sad" might not be the best way to do this); What to do with big emotional expressions that seem to 'come out of nowhere' - which actually happens fairly rarely.
This episode opens with me defining Dr. Barrett's theory of emotions so we didn't have to waste 20 minutes of our precious hour together to do that. I also wanted to share my thoughts on the implications of these ideas for our families and the episode would have been too long so I split it in half. In this episode you'll hear the introduction to the theory, half of the conversation with Dr. Barrett, and my thoughts on what we've heard so far.In an upcoming episode we'll hear the second half of the interview as well as my overarching take-aways from across the two episodes.And just a reminder that if you're having your own big emotional reactions in response to your child's difficult (but age-appropriate) behavior, there are real reasons for that.We discuss meaning-making in the conversation with Dr. Barrett: in the Taming Your Triggers workshop we focus heavily on making meaning out of your experience. Whether you've experienced trauma and need help seeing the connections between your experiences and your triggered feelings towards your children, or if you need help with your body budgeting today, in Taming Your Triggers we'll help you to: Feel triggered less often; Find ways to meet your needs - and your child's needs - on a much more regular basis; Learn how to repair effectively with your child on the (far fewer!) occasions when things didn't go the way you would have hoped.
Click the image below to learn more and join the waitlist! Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's book (Affiliate Links)How Emotions Are MadeSeven and a Half Lessons About the Brain Jump to Highlights00:53 Introducing today’s topic and guests04:16 Studies show -
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I know it can be really (really) difficult to bridge the gap between being the kind of parent we want to be, and the kind of parent we're able to be in the moments when our kids do things we find difficult.We might know that we want our kids to receive a message of unconditional love and acceptance, but when they do something like hitting their sibling and we respond: "Why would you DO that?!", or handle them roughly, or even spank them, that the message they are receiving may not be one of unconditional love and acceptance.Parent Jody joined the Parenting Membership and in the moments when he was able to stay regulated, the new tools helped him to navigate his kids' behavior more effectively. But when he got triggered by something like sibling hitting (because seeing a child get hit is triggering when you were hit as a child), then he would default back to what he called "autopilot parenting," and he would yell at his kids, shame them, and spank them - just like his parents had done to him.So he signed up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop, and in just a few weeks, Jody started to share his 'wins.'🚗 There was the time he was able to create a pause when his kids started fighting in the back seat instead of exploding at them.🛁 He was able to identify his needs, and his children's needs when they were throwing water out of the bath all over the floor, and find a strategy that met both of their needs.🧸 And then there was the time when his son had smuggled four of his bedtime toys under his school uniform to the car, and Jody immediately saw that his wife was having a hard time because she didn't want the toys to be dirty, and she also didn't want the bedtime shit-show that was going to happen if the toys were still in the wash.His initial attempt to help his wife fell flat, and she angrily said: "Don't talk to me like a child!". He regrouped, and the phrase he used to defuse the situation deeply touched many of us in the Taming Your Triggers community when he shared it with us. He found a way to meet THREE people's needs in that situation, and was justifiably proud of himself. 🎉If you want your kids to experience unconditional love and acceptance but you don't know how to make that happen in the difficult moments, I'd so love to work with you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.I know it's risky to put yourself out there and admit that you're having a hard time.There's always the concern that these tools might work for Jody, and still not work for you - you might have some failing that means you can't use the tools, even if they work for other parents.You might also worry that the tools won't work for your neurodivergent/sensitive/etc. kid.I totally get those concerns. And...at the end of the day, we're all people - and all people have needs. I can help you heal from the hurts you've experienced and get your needs met more of the time, and then you'll feel triggered less often. I'm so confident about this that I guarantee it - if you aren't happy with your experience in the workshop for any reason, at any time, we'll give you 100% of your money back. (Plus we have multiple pricing options to make it affordable in the first place).🎁 And as an extra bonus for you: Jody will be a peer coach in the Taming Your Triggers workshop this time around - because sometimes the person you learn from most effectively is the person who was standing where you are right now just a year ago.Join the waitlist now to get notified when doors reopen. Click the banner to learn more. Jump to Highlights00:45 Introducing today’s guest01:28. Jody shifted from "Always tired" to "Actively seeking rest" after years of exhaustion from raising four kids and realizing the need to
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There are several books available on mom rage by now. They tend to follow a predictable formula: a journalist interviews a bunch of parents and makes sweeping pronouncements about how anger-inducing it is to be a Mom, interspersed with anecdotes about terrible things they’ve said and done to their children.They usually end with a call for free childcare, universal parental leave, and more support for Moms’ mental health. (Yes to all of those things, obviously.)There are far fewer books that try to make connections between our experiences and why it’s happening, and that actually make practical suggestions for concrete practices we can try to cope with our rage more effectively right now - along with a sense of hope that we could actually make these policy changes happen in our lifetimes.Minna Dubin’s book Mom Rage (which I found out about because our local Berkeley newspaper covered both of our books when they were published!) does all of those things.I read it and liked it and started recommending it when relevant topics came up on coaching calls in the Parenting Membership, and parent Katie fell in love with it.Katie didn’t even think the term ‘mom rage’ applied to her - but when she read the descriptions of raging moms, she found herself (mentally) shouting: “YES! That’s ME!”.I’m so grateful that both Minna and Katie could join me for this deep conversation on where Mom Rage comes from, and what we can do about it.We’ll do some shame-busting work together so you can know that you aren’t alone in experiencing rage, and that you don’t have to be alone in addressing it either.If you experience Mom Rage and know you need help, I’d love to see you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.Here’s what previous participants have said about doing this work with me:Now I have a plan and support structure, and I've learned really helpful tools to change the way I talk with my children in these difficult moments. - M.M.The workshop gave me very clear steps to take toward being the mother I aspire to be by helping me heal my own hurt. - K.D.I have seen here some shifts thankfully in the slowing down and welcoming the feelings of all people...and figuring out a way to kind of move through the conflict together instead of this is the way we're going to do it. - Liann Click the banner to learn more and join the waitlist. Minna Dubin's Book (Affiliate Link)Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern MotherhoodJump to Highlights00:52. Introducing today’s episode and featured guests03:19. The "PR team" represents societal expectations of motherhood, pressuring mothers to meet unrealistic standards alone.13:59. Society's pressures and high expectations for mothers can lead to feelings of anger and unworthiness.22:07 Mothers frequently feel isolated and overwhelmed as they prioritize their children's needs over their own, which can result in feelings of anger and frustration.32:52 Motherhood brings big changes and societal pressures, making support from other moms essential.39:32 We tend to judge ourselves and other parents, but noticing this can help us be kinder, since everyone is dealing with their own struggles.44:11 It's important for moms to talk openly about their moments of rage to feel less shame and more support55:04 It’s important for parents to identify their triggers and communicate openly with partners about differences in parenting decisions while...
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Today's episode comes from listener who submitted an emotional voicemail on the Ask Jen a Question button on the Your Parenting Mojo homepage, which boils down to:Am I damaging my child?The messages you can leave are limited to two minutes in length, so we get just a taste of what the parent is struggling with: a difficult relationship with their neurodivergent son, because he triggers the parent and then the parent feels triggered again by the guilt and shame that some of the challenges the son is facing might be the parent's fault.In this episode I walk though neuropsychologist R. Douglas Fields' LIFEMORTS framework of rage triggers - because if we understand the kinds of things that trigger us, we can avoid some of those triggers entirely and then see the rest of them coming and resource ourselves before they arrive.I link these rage triggers with broader social issues that we may be carrying in the backs of our minds without even realizing it, and the energy it takes to constantly manage our thoughts about these issues is energy we don't have to spend meeting our children's needs - or our needs.I also offer a set of three steps you can use to help you navigate triggering situations with your children more effectively.If you see that your relationship with your child isn't where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child... Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated... Feel guilt and/or shame about how they're experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them...
...the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you.Join the waitlist now. Click the banner to learn more. Other episodes mentioned207: How to not be a permissive parent224: How to heal your Mom Rage (coming up) Jump to Highlights00:58 Introducing today’s topic01:17 Listener recorded question02:55 Jen empathizes with the parent's stress and dual triggers of misbehavior and self-judgment, acknowledges potential trauma or neurodivergence, validates their experience.18:26 Understand your triggers by exploring nine categories (LIFEMORTS): life or limb, insult, family, environment, mate, order in society, resources, tribe, and stopped, as outlined by Dr. R. Douglas Fields.34:02 Mom rage, deeply intertwined with systemic gender and racial inequalities, reflects broader societal issues and significantly impacts women's health and parenting.46:06 Intergenerational trauma affects all communities, passing down violence and its impacts through generations.46:55 Three ways to support parents dealing with their own trauma and its impact on their children. -
I know that when you start using new parenting tools, things don't always go according to plan. Your kids don't say what you think they will, or maybe you perceive that their behavior is just kind of crappy, or maybe your partner isn't on board with your ideas.In this episode I address what to do about all of these challenges, as well as how to use the tools I work with to address difficult topics like children wanting ever more snack foods, ever more screen time, and refusing to go to school.We hear from parents who have managed to address tricky challenges - including a child with a skin condition who must take a bath daily and who was successfully extending the dinner/running around/reading books process until bedtime was delayed as well. Once the child's parents came to see what needs the child was trying to meet, bath time suddenly wasn't a problem anymore.I share some realizations that parents have had about their place in the world as they've engaged with my work and how I plan to shift the ways I talk about these issues moving forward.I also invite you to celebrate with my book Parenting Beyond Power's first birthday by baking (or buying) some cupcakes! One of many parents' favorite ideas in the book was the feelings and needs cupcakes, which makes it easy to visualize your most common feelings and needs.We've made some flags you can print and use with your children to identify your (and their) feelings and needs. Share them on social media and be invited to a group coaching call with me later in September, and stick them to the fridge as a reminder of how to connect with your kids - and yourself!Finally, a couple of invitations. The
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This episode was...unplanned. :-) A couple of months ago I interviewed Dr. Louise Newson on the topic of menopause. Dr. Newson is a medical doctor and focused very heavily on Hormone Replacement Therapy as a treatment that everyone who menstruates should at least consider, and I knew I wanted to do an episode with someone who doesn't hold that belief as well.
I found Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer of The Red School, and really appreciated their book Wise Power. As I usually do before recording an interview I read their other co-authored book Wild Power, and I realized there was a 'missing' episode on the topic of Menstrual Cycle Awareness. We can't really talk about being aware of the changes that are happening to our bodies during menopause if we don't know what has happened to our bodies throughout our menstruating years.
When I read Wild Power I felt a deep sense of sadness that I was just discovering this now, as my own years of menstruation wind down - but also a deep sense of hope that I can help Carys develop a much closer relationship with her own body than I had with mine.
We'll answer questions like:
What phases does my body go through each month?
How can I start becoming more aware of these phases through Menstrual Cycle Awareness?
How can I align my activities with my energy levels, creativity, and arousal - even in the real world, which wants me to go-go-go all the time?
How is my inner critic aligned with my cycle, and how can I use its knowledge to help me?
How can I navigate Menstrual Cycle Awareness if I've had a difficult relationship with my periods and with fertility?I'd encourage you to listen to this episode if:
You menstruate and want to better understand how menstruation affects your life
You're raising a child who will menstruate and want to prepare them to feel 'at home' in their bodies
You love someone who menstruates and want to be better attuned to them
You're raising a child who will never menstruate, but you want them to appreciate menstruation and know how to effectively support people who menstruate.In other words, everyone will get something out of this episode!
Alexandra and Sjanie’s books (Affiliate Links):Wild power: Discover the magic of your menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power
Wise power: Discover the liberating power of menopause to awaken authority, purpose and belonging
Jump to Highlights00:46 Introducing today’s topic and featured guests
03:39 Menstruation is the monthly process where the body sheds the lining of the uterus, and it also brings emotional, psychological, and even spiritual changes.
17:18 Menstrual cycle awareness is about understanding and respecting our natural...
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How comfortable do you feel speaking up about something your child’s school needs?Have you noticed that some parents seem to feel more comfortable speaking up than others?Have you ever noticed that sometimes rules and policies in school don’t seem to be applied evenly to all students, while squeaky wheels who raise issues that concern them and their children tend to get addressed?If you have, and you’d like to understand more about what you’re seeing and know what to do about it, then this episode is for you.My guest for this episode is Allyson Criner Brown, an award-winning equity practitioner, trainer, and scholar who has worked at the intersections of pre-K-12 education, family, and community engagement, environmental justice, and local government.I also have a co-interviewer joining me, parent Cassie Gardener Manjikian, who asked for this episode after she noticed that the everyday actions she was seeing in her school weren’t matching up with the school’s (and district’s) own goals and plans.In the episode, we answer questions like: What are the valuable ways that parents contribute to their children’s learning, even if they never volunteer in the classroom? What kinds of social challenges happen in schools, and how do these affect our kids? How can I advocate for changes if the Principal doesn’t seem interested? What kinds of tools can we use with teachers and parents if people are on board with doing things differently but just don’t know what to do or how to do it? If I’m the kind of parent who is never going to join the PTA, what role can I play?
We all have an important role to play in creating the schools our children deserve - this episode will help you to find yours. -
A few months ago my daughter had a routine checkup at the doctor, who asked how much screen time she gets in a day (which is more than typical recommendations but way less time than children spend sitting in school).
The doctor told her (but really she told me): “You should get more exercise.”
Carys isn’t a team sports kind of person. She doesn’t love hiking, and she only really likes biking when friends are with us.
Something about the ‘get more exercise’ advice didn’t sit quite right with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.
Then I found Katy Bowman’s work and suddenly it all made sense.
Katy points out that movement and exercise are not the same thing.
Even if we aren’t getting enough exercise, what we need far more than exercise is movement.
In this episode, we discuss questions like:
What, exactly, is movement?
What does it mean for our children to move…and how about us?
How do we get more of it when our days are already so full? (I know I thought that, but I’ve found ways to incorporate a daily stretching routine without taking any time away from anything else I do. We discuss how in the episode!)What children learn through movement
Our children learn through movement.
Yes, they learn how to move.
They also learn what our society thinks about movement, which is likely to set them up for a lifetime of not-moving, unless we support them in doing things differently.
Finally, they come to understand their bodies better when they move. They learn how their body signals ‘this feels great’ and ‘this doesn’t feel right.’ They learn to interact with physical things: Dr. Roger Kneebone (no joke!) at Imperial College London has observed that medical students have seemed less comfortable doing delicate tasks with their hands since smartphones became popular.
In other words, they learn to trust themselves.
We have a whole module on Full-Bodied Learning in the Learning Membership where we come to understand much more deeply what children learn with their bodies, and how to help them do it.
And that’s just one of the 12 topics you’ll cover in your first year, as you become an expert on topics like scaffolding your child’s learning, nurturing critical thinking, and supporting metacognitive learning.
If you’re thinking that you don’t have time to add one more thing to your plate, I can show you how to make it happen. Enrollment will open soon.
As usual, we have sliding scale pricing and a money back guarantee. It’s totally risk free to try it out. Click the banner to learn...
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What your child is learning in school isn’t enoughThe things your child is learning in school are not the things that are most likely to lead to their success in the future.Who could have predicted the shifts we’ve seen since Chat GPT-3 was released to the public in November 2022?While AI still has its bugs, it won’t be long before these bugs are squashed.We’re going to be using more and more technology in our lives - and our children are going to need different skills to navigate it than we’ve used in our careers. The 56 foundational skills for future successA report from consulting firm McKinsey’s research arm described 56 foundational skills that will help people thrive in the future of work.Eleven of these skills are related to digital fluency and citizenship, software use and development, and understanding digital systems.The other 44 skills have nothing to do with digital knowledge or capabilities.These...
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Thanks to those of you who completed the recent survey on how I can serve you better, some changes are coming to the YPM world! While most respondents said they loved the length of the episodes because they appreciate how much detail we can get into in that time, a number of people said they had trouble finding the time to listen to longer episodes, as well as share them with others.Our long episodes aren’t going anywhere; I love being able to truly understand an issue and have deep conversations with experts.But I hear you that it can be hard to find an hour to listen!That’s why I’m going to start creating summary episodes. This first one summarizes the last two episodes on the topic of video games - both the conversation with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin, and my narrated episode on what children learn from video games.You’ll get my take-home ideas from both episodes in less than 12 minutes!If you’re starting to see the deep learning that children are doing while they’re playing video games and want to support them in having more of these kinds of experiences…but without using screens all the time, the Learning Membership will help you.The membership helps you to support your child’s intrinsic love of learning, while also equipping them with the skills they’ll need to succeed in the age of AI.
You’ll learn how to see and follow your child’s interests so you can support them in deep inquiries. You won’t have to drag them through it like you would a workbook or a curriculum (so no need to reward them with screen time!) because they will WANT to learn. They’ll be excited to do it, and they’ll bring you along for the ride.
If you already know you’re in, you can sign up for the Learning Membership right now.
All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee.Enrollment will open again soon. Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to Highlights01:26Introducing today’s episode02:06Balancing kids' screen time is a gradual process of sharing responsibility and making adjustments based on their abilities.03:35Children are drawn to video games because they meet needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness.03:54There is no strong evidence that video games cause violence. 05:27Children can learn about cultural issues like misogyny and violence from video games and other media. 07:19Video games allow children to actively engage in learning by exploring unique systems and strategies, similar to real scientific thinking.08:41Children develop creativity and persistence through video games.09:18Invitation to the free You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop
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Last week, parent Nicole and I talked with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin about the challenges we can have when our kids love video games. [insert link to previous episode]
I had also hoped to ask Ash a lot of questions about what children learn from video games but we completely ran out of time, so I spent a fun day reading 10 books on the topic at the University of New Mexico library (non-students can’t check out books!).
I wanted to know a lot more about:
Why do children find video games so attractive? And can we use that information to make the transitions away from screen time easier - as well as support their off-screen learning?
Even if video games don’t lead children to violence, are they picking up ideas that aren’t aligned with our values?
What useful skills are our children learning from video games, and how is this different from school-based learning?
Learning MembershipDo you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.
Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.
Enrollment will open again soon. All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee. Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to Highlights00:45Introduction to today’s episode04:13Children are drawn to video games because they fulfill their needs for independence, skill-building, and connection. 13:00Children learn about gender roles and social behaviors from video games, which reflect societal misogyny and violence.28:55Video games foster active learning through problem-solving and experimentation. By connecting gaming identities to real-world learning, children can enhance their educational experiences.40:00Children learn best when they are engaged in activities they care about, and the You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop will help parents recognize and support this learning.50:01Wrapping up
ReferencesBenedetti, W. (2012, July 12). Anti-bigotry gaming site hacked, defaced by bigots. NBC News. Retrieved from: https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/tech-news/anti-bigotry-gaming-site-hacked-defaced-bigots-flna910262
Brown, H.J. (2008). Videogames and education. Armonk, NY: M.E. Sharpe.
Condis, M. (2018). Gaming masculinity: Trolls, fake geeks & the gendered battle for online culture. Iowa City: University of Iowa Press.
Gee, J.P. (2007). What video games have to teach us about learning and literacy. New York: Palgrave
Gee, J.P. (2007). Good video games + good learning: Collected essays on video games, learning and literacy. New York: Peter Lang
Gillin, L.E., & Signorella, M.L. (2023). Attitudes toward sexual orientation and gender identity in online...
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Video games can be tough.
Our kids enjoy them so much…but can’t tear their eyes away from them when time’s up without a meltdown.
Some games, like Fortnite and Roblox, can be really violent, and aren’t our kids learning bad messages when they play?
Plus even if they aren’t playing something violent, they aren’t really learning anything beneficial, right?
In this episode with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin and co-interviewer parent Nicole, we talk about common struggles parents have with kids who are playing games, including:
How to address dysregulation at the end of screen time
How to ‘scaffold’ the child’s ability to manage their own screen time
The links between screen time and intrinsic motivation
Why we can feel OK using screen time to give ourselves a break
How to model appropriate screen time use in front of our childrenIf summer is rolling on by and you’ve seen your kids do a lot of playing (whether that’s video games or not) and not a lot of activities that look like learning, I’d love to see you in the Learning Membership.
The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.
Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.
Enrollment will open again soon. All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money back guarantee. Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to Highlights01:50Introducing the topic and guests for this episode03:17Moderate video game use generally has neutral or positive effects, contrary to earlier studies linking it to aggression.07:02Many studies linking video games to aggression overlook confounding factors like socioeconomic status, trauma, and family dynamics.
10:27Research on violent video games shows mixed results, with any negative effects often being minor and context-specific. It's important to consider individual responses when assessing impact.
27:47Effective screen time management involves setting limits, encouraging self-regulation, and gradually shifting responsibility to children while providing support.42:33Balancing gaming limits requires adjusting based on family needs and the child's ability to self-regulate, with ongoing assessment and adjustment.47:12Guilt about screen time often stems from concerns about not using time productively. It’s important to recognize that screens can benefit the whole family, allowing parents to manage tasks and take necessary breaks. 54:24Gaming meets psychological needs like competence and autonomy, which doesn’t diminish intrinsic motivation for other activities.01:01:48Model balanced screen use by explaining your tech use and setting clear limits. Show how screens help with tasks and emotions, and involve your kids in transitions.01:08:51Wrapping up the discussionReferencesBoxer, P., Groves, C.L., & Docherty, M. (2015). Video games do indeed influence children and adolescents’ aggression, prosocial behavior, and academic performance: A clearer reading of Ferguson (2015). Perspectives...
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How do I know if I'm perimenopausal?
A few months ago a member in the Parenting Membership shared a whole bunch of symptoms she'd had, from fatigue to rage to dry eyes. She'd been on a four year journey to figure out what was going on before finding out that she was in perimenopause, and wanted to save other members from the same experience she'd had.
That sparked a huge discussion in the community, with other members wondering whether the symptoms they were experiencing were also related to menopause - and whether this was going to be yet another thing they were going to have to educate their doctors about to get appropriate treatment.
In this episode we answer questions about:
What roles do hormones like estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone play in our bodies?
What is menopause, and what is perimenopause?
What are some of the most common symptoms of perimenopause? (Hint - it isn't hot flashes)
What are the benefits of Hormone Replacement Therapy, and who should consider it?
Is HRT dangerous?
What impacts does culture have on the experience of menopause?In our next episode on this topic we'll look at a non-medical, holistic approach to menopause.
Dr. Newson’s booksPreparing for the perimenopause and menopauseMenopause: All you need to know in one concise manualThe Definitive Guide to the Perimenopause and MenopauseJump to Highlights01:26 Introducing the topic and featured guest for this episode
03:48 Hormones play a crucial role in menstruation.
08:28 Dr. Newson explores the definitions and challenges of menopause and perimenopause, emphasizing the wide-ranging symptoms and long-term health implications associated with hormonal changes.
12:10 Dr. Newson discusses recognizing perimenopause symptoms amid busy lifestyles and the importance of early awareness, regardless of age variability in menopausal onset.
16:05 Dr. Newson explains how hormonal birth control can obscure natural hormone patterns, potentially leading to misunderstood symptoms like mood changes and reduced energy.
18:26 Women face challenges in receiving timely diagnosis and treatment for perimenopause and menopause symptoms, underscoring disparities in healthcare and the importance of seeking medical help despite societal barriers.
22:46 Hot flashes, often associated with menopause, are not the most prevalent or severe symptom. They result from brain disruptions and vary widely among individuals, with many experiencing cognitive and psychological symptoms instead.
27:28 Perimenopause and menopause often bring cognitive symptoms like memory lapses, tied to hormonal shifts that impact brain function, yet frequently disregarded in medical care and treatment.
33:41 Hormone replacement therapy has been found to be effective in managing menopausal symptoms and offering potential long-term health benefits, despite past concerns about risks associated with older synthetic hormone studies.
44:47 Hormone replacement therapy, especially with natural hormones, is often prescribed long-term for health benefits, contrasting with synthetic hormones implicated in higher risks from the WHI...
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Discover insights on why no one will play with your child and explore effective strategies for building social skills in children
Does your child have big emotional blow-ups in social situations?
Are they a wallflower who doesn't know how to make friends?
Do they struggle to understand when it's appropriate to interrupt, tell the truth, and follow the rules vs. let things go.
I've been interested in neurodivergence for a while - I'm hoping to do an episode soon on parenting with ADHD, and in the course of research for that a parent in the Parenting Membership recommended the book Why Will No-One Play With Me.
The book is designed to help parents teach their children social skills - and I do think it has some useful ideas in it, but there are some pretty big caveats.
This episode takes a look at the broader set of research on teaching children social skills to ask whether we CAN do it and if we can, whether we SHOULD do it and if we should, what kinds of tools should we use? The popular Social Stories method? Role plays? Peer coaching?
This episode answers questions like:
What types of teaching are likely to be beneficial?
How can we teach social skills to Autistic children and children with ADHD, as well as neurotypical children?
What are the potential later-life impacts of lagging social skills (and do what we miss when we look at it from this perspective)?
At what age range is teaching social skills is most likely to succeed?
How can we know whether we should teach a child social skills?
Other episodes mentioned175: I’ll be me; can you be you?075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?Jump to Highlights00:52 Introducing the topic for this episode
02:59 Social skills programs show small, temporary effects and are more effective when led by experts, with mixed results for neurodivergent children.
09:38 Programs to teach social skills often try to change how neurodivergent kids act and they don't always work well.
24:01 Dr. Carol Gray's Social Stories ™ help children, especially those with autism, understand social situations without directly aiming to change their behavior.
28:59 Terra Vance's adaptations of Social Stories ™ highlight how they sometimes fail to address children's real experiences and emotions.
33:28 Research on parent-led interventions for children with ADHD and autism vary in effectiveness.
43:24 The book "Why Will No One Play With Me" doesn't provide specific references to support its ideas, making it unclear if they're based on research or opinion.
46:30 Teaching social skills includes managing emotions, understanding social norms, and practicing simulations for better responses.
50:49 The "Play Better Bridge to Betterment" model in Why Will No One Play With Me categorizes children's readiness for change into stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. It emphasizes that children may need support to recognize and modify behaviors.
53:10 Caroline Maguire's...
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Want to know how my autism self-diagnosis has affected my relationship with my husband? (I will apologize to autistic listeners here as an ableist perspective is still something we're working on, and he also uses some outdated terminology probably from an old book he's started twice - but not yet finished - on supporting partners with Asperger's Syndrome.)
Curious about whether he identifies as Filipino-American... or not? And how his perspective on race differs from mine?
Want to hear how he sent a chicken up into space...and then found out what the two pink lines of a pregnancy test mean?
Last year, when we were coming up on our 200th podcast episode, I asked my husband Alvin if he would be willing to record a podcast episode. I had envisioned listeners asking the questions and him answering - but he wanted me to join as well!
One of the first things we learned was that Alvin cannot be succinct. (Well, technically speaking, this was not a new lesson for me - and interviewer Iris had tried really hard to prepare him for succinctness by asking for his 'elevator pitch' - but he just couldn't do it!)
So we ended up cutting the episode when it was already over an hour and we hadn't covered half of the questions listeners had submitted...and interviewers Iris and Corrine graciously agreed to return for a Part 2. So here it is!
Other episodes mentioned175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
200: Ask Alvin Anything (Part 1!)
Jump to Highlights01:22Introducing this episode04:28Alvin talks about how Jen's autism diagnosis helps their relationship while Jen shares how it helps in their daily life and parenting.12:47Alvin and Jen talk about how they decided to become parents. 25:10Alvin discusses his upbringing in a predominantly White area, his evolving awareness of his Filipino heritage, and how his wife Jen's advocacy work has shaped his understanding of race and culture.38:13Alvin talks about his journey from wanting to be seen as White to embracing his Filipino heritage and identifying as a Brown person.46:32Alvin encourages dads to be actively involved in parenting, prioritize their partners, and be present in family life. 57:15Alvin and the hosts engage in a quickfire round of questions, discussing topics from parenting to personal preferences. 01:00:50Wrapping up
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Do you hate punishing (with Time Outs, withdrawing privileges, or even yelling at) your child?Do you feel guilty after you punish them, wishing there was a way to just get them to listen?And do bribes ("If you brush your teeth now, you can have 5 minutes of screen time...") feel just as awful?But what other choice do you have? Your kids don't listen now, so how could not rewarding and punishing them possibly help?That's what parent Dr. Houri Parsi thought when I first met her. (Houri's doctorate is in clinical psychology, focused on behaviorist-based reward and punishment systems.) She wasn't ready to believe that abandoning the tools she'd been trained in would create a better outcome, when she measured her success as a parent by whether she got immediate compliance from her children.She ended up not completely abandoning these tools - because they still fit within her vision and values for her family (her vision is a bit different from mine, which is OK! The important thing is that she is living in alignment with her values!).But Houri's relationship with her children is profoundly different today than it was a couple of years ago. Her children have deep insight into their feelings and needs, and most of the time they're able to find ways to meet all of their needs. She no longer uses her power over them to get their immediate compliance - and that doesn't mean she gets walked all over either.Houri sees that this approach has built a deep reservoir of trust in their relationship - but occasionally a parent will slip, and will force the children to do something they aren't ready for. When you hear Houri describe how her daughter punished her husband for forcing an injection before she was ready, you might never look at your own child's misbehavior the same way again.You'll even find a new way to approach the age-old struggle of tooth brushing in this conversation that gets Houri's childrens' teeth brushed every morning without a fight!If you'd like to ditch the rewards and punishments (and also know that the teeth will still get brushed!) then I'd love to help you make that happen.You'll get: A new module of content every month Access to an amazing community of supportive parents, in what they've described as "the least judgmental corner of the internet" Answers to your questions in the community, via a video, or a 1:1 consult for especially thorny issues (recorded to share with the community; there's a library of these available for you to watch as well) Group coaching calls where I'll coach you live on your specific challenges (or you can lurk if you prefer...) ACTion groups: Up to five parents and an experienced peer coach meet weekly to help you plan how you'll achieve your vision A 20 minute 1:1 call with community manager Denise right after you sign up, so she can direct you to the resources that will help you most!
It's gentle parenting that's also gentle on you (and isn't permissive!). Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to learn more. Other episodes mentioned:009: Do you punish your child with rewards? Jump to Highlights00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest04:09 Dr. Houri Parsi has been applying evidence-based parenting methods from the Your Parenting Mojo podcast for two years.08:54 Dr. Houri talks about their initial parenting beliefs and later exploring respectful and mindful approaches as their children grew older.16:24 Dr. Houri changed her parenting approach after joining the Parenting Membership, moving away from using rewards or punishments and focusing on understanding and -
Here's a little thought exercise: think back to what you were doing this time last year, right around Mother's Day (in the U.S...I know it has already passed in other places!). What kinds of things were your children doing that were really endearing? What kinds of things were they doing that drove you up the wall? What kinds of fights (resistance, back-talk, stalling, tantrums, etc.) were you having with them a year ago? Are you still having those same fights now (or variations on them)? Do you wish you weren't still having those fights? That you could get out of the endless cycle of trying an idea you saw on Instagram, seeing a small change, and backsliding to where you were before? Do you have all the tools you need so that a year from now you can look back and know, without any shadow of a doubt, that things are different now? Today I'm going to introduce you to several parents who have made exactly this shift, and a framework you can use to make it for yourself. It's not complicated. There are only five elements to it, and when they're all in place you can make sustainable change in parenting, as well as your own personal issues, work, and anything else you like. It really is very possible to make sustainable family change in parenting happen by yourself. But all of the five elements have to be in place, and operating consistently, to make it work. Losing focus on each one of the elements creates a different outcome, none of which are good: Confusion Anxiety Making slow progress Frustration Being on a treadmill
If you can see already that one or more of these things are happening for you, the Parenting Membership will help you make the kind of sustainable change you want to see in your family. The first thing you'll do after you join is have a 20-minute private call with my community manager, Denise, who will see which element you're struggling with the most right now, and connect you to specific resources to help. Many of the parents who signed up this time last year are now in an entirely different place. Things like this are happening: Their preschoolers can use a picture-based list to accurately identify their own feelings and needs; Parents are recognizing how their own actions are creating shame in their children, and are working to address this; Parents see which parts of their co-parenting struggles are theirs to own, instead of blaming their difficulties on their co-parents; They can also see which parts are not theirs to own, make requests to get their needs met, and practice accepting their co-parent for who they are; Siblings are fighting less, because they understand each other's needs and can find strategies to meet both of their needs.
Of course these parents still have hard days...but none of them looks back on who they were a year ago and thinks: "Aside from the fact that my kids are older, I don't really know what's different now from what it was a year ago." I want this kind of sustainable family change for you, too. It's so much more than taking a short course to learn a new skill. It's a fundamentally different way of being in the world. Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to learn more. Other episodes mentioned042: How to teach a child to use manners -
Are there parts of yourself that you don't share with other people? Things that you think: "If people knew that about me, they wouldn't love me / they'd think I'm a terrible person / they wouldn't even want to be around me"? When you mess up, does it seem like it's not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person? If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're experiencing shame. Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves...but not Dee. That's not to say that Dee never struggles - far from it. But her struggles seem to feel more manageable to her, and she has a sense of 'right'-ness about her. If Dee recognizes that she has a need, it never occurs to her to not ask for help from others in getting that need met. How did this happen? What implications does it have for how we can raise our children so they don't experience shame? In this episode, Dee shares her story and her top three ideas for raising children in a shame-free environment with us. If you realize that shame has been a huge part of your childhood (and even adulthood) and you're ready for help healing that so you can be the kind of parent you want to be, I do hope you'll join me (and Dee!) in the Parenting Membership. We don't just learn how to make parenting easier (although that is a big focus!). We also work to heal ourselves so we can show up as whole people in our own lives. Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to learn more. Other episodes mentioned209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see Jump to Highlights00:59 Introducing today’s topic and featured guest06:31 Dee talks about her life, interests, and journey as a parent, including travel, family, and retirement plans.09:24 Dee reflects on her supportive mom, who embraced their behavior as expressions of needs and valued their personalities.12:39 Dee reflects on her nurturing upbringing, emphasizing the importance of feeling loved and accepted. This foundation drives her to seek intentional parenting strategies.20:31 Dee learned to negotiate needs and boundaries with her child, leading to mutual respect and a harmonious dynamic.30:39 Dee shares her experiences in the Parenting Membership community where she finds support and insights through coaching calls, ACTion group, and modules on topics that help her navigate parenting challenges and personal growth.40:50 Through the Parenting Membership, Dee learned to address resentment, prioritize her needs, and communicate better with her partner for a healthier balance.01:06:15 Three things Dee suggests for parents to try on based on the conversation.01:09:39 Wrapping up
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Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they're close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them? And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it'll be totally fine for you to vent. They won't take offense and they'll just empathize and reassure you that you aren't a terrible parent; you're a great parent having a difficult day - because they've seen you on your good days as well. In this episode I'll introduce you to SIX parents who have just this kind of relationship. Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, and Kati live in the eastern United States and Jody is Australia, and they meet once a week on Zoom for 40 minutes, and each of them talks for just five minutes...and in that time, they've become incredibly close friends. The relationships they have with each other are among the deepest and most profound ones in their lives. If you need a supportive community like this in your life then I'd love to see you in the Parenting Membership, which is where Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, Kati, and Jody met. Join the waitlist and get notified when doors reopen in May 2025. Click the image below to learn more. Jump to Highlights01:43 Introducing today’s episode03:19 The Parenting Membership features ACTion groups that meet weekly, offering valuable support and insights into effective parenting strategies.04:50 The ACTion Group is about parents coming together weekly to share their parenting progress, challenges, and goals in a supportive and accountable environment.19:21 The ACTion Group's collaborative problem-solving and support for parent Rachel's challenge with her son were showcased, emphasizing a collective effort in addressing parenting difficulties.26:54 The ACTion Group supports Beth in addressing her holiday break challenge and need for rest, fostering solutions and self-awareness.33:13 The ACTion Group helps Peju integrate changes by realizing the importance of apologizing to her son and holding herself accountable to her family values.39:40 The Action Group explored Jody's challenges with his parents, highlighting the shift towards acceptance instead of forgiveness, leading to a sense of relief and reduced emotional reactivity for him.47:11 The group shared how the ACTion group has positively impacted their parenting journey through accountability, celebration, and community support. They emphasized the non-judgmental environment, learning from each other's experiences, and the value of consistent participation in personal growth.01:06:59 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership
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