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This episode marks a significant shift in our podcast journey.
When it all began in a Miami hotel room back in January 2020, little did I know how my endeavor would evolve, becoming a lifeline of connection and support for both listeners and myself during the pandemic.
Our mission for the podcast - to support and assist moms and caregivers, has remained constant throughout. We have tackled diverse questions and adapted to changing circumstances, providing support and calm in stormy times. Now, we are moving in a new direction to allow our message of love and kindness to reach a broader audience.
Rest assured, we are not going anywhere. The name will change to Am I a Bad Mom, but the essence of the podcast will remain. We will be back more frequently with weekly episodes and video recordings offering a more personal look into my life.
Please join us as we enter the world of Am I a Bad Mom and continue exploring all your questions and challenges.
What Am I Noticing?
A recurring theme I have been noticing lately among the women I work with is that, regardless of their success, bravery, accomplishments, or confidence, they keep on questioning if they are bad moms for various reasons. That common thread inspired me to shift the focus of our podcast. You will still find us on all the usual podcast platforms and my website under the new title, Am I a Bad Mom Podcast with Dr. Cristie Ritz-King. I invite you to subscribe, leave a review, and share with others who have asked themselves the very same question.
Thank you for your unwavering support on this journey. It means the world to me! Know that I am sending you my love!
Links and resources:
Connect with me on my website
Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Founding Members
Information for Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Community
W.o.W Landing Page
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I am delighted to have a Keela Fowler joining me today to dive into a topic near and dear to both of our hearts and answer a question many of you have been curious about: what happens after losing someone you love?
Death can be a catastrophic experience, and it is only natural to wonder when the pain will subside, when the healing will begin, and how life will continue. Keela and I share the common bond of losing our mothers, although our losses occurred at different stages of life.
In this episode, we share our experiences, provide insights, and offer a glimpse into the complex territory of coping with life after the death of someone we love. While we cannot predict your unique journey, we hope to shed some light on the path of life after loss.
About Keela
Keela Fowler is a creative person with many different identities. She is a business strategist and former teacher, in addition to being an aunt, a sister, and a daughter who experienced an unexpected loss when her mother passed away in her sleep about five years ago. Since then, she has embarked on a learning journey while transitioning through processing her grief.
The Benefits of Continuing Therapy
Therapy has been a positive experience in Keela’s life. She believes that therapy can benefit everyone because it helps us learn more about ourselves and how we interact with the world and others.
How Grief Evolves
Keela’s loss used to feel overwhelming and all-encompassing, dominating her thoughts from morning until night. However, with time, her coping strategies have shifted that perception. Loss is no longer her first and last thought each day.
Supporting Others Through Grief
Supporting others through their grief gave Keela a deeper understanding of loss. It allowed her to grasp the uniqueness of each grief journey and realize that no one can fully understand or replicate the emotional experience of anyone else.
Choosing to Feel Differently
We can choose to feel differently about grief. Keela grappled with the notion that letting go of the intensity of grief might betray her love for her late mother until she consciously decided to heal and move forward in life.
Self-Validation
Cultivating self-validation is essential, especially when we have nobody to offer support. Finding a healthy source of validation is a crucial aspect of healing.
Talking About Lost Loved Ones
We can keep the memory of our loved ones alive by talking about them. In doing so, we must remember the good things and discuss the fullness of who they were, including their quirks and less favorable traits.
Coping with Grief
After losing someone we love, we must allow the full range of emotions to wash over us. We may find it hard to explain our grief to others, so we should avoid trying to find a silver lining or making sense of things that do not make sense.
Holding Emotion and Functionality Together
It can be challenging to balance intense emotions like grief while continuing our daily tasks and responsibilities. We need to recognize that some people can be sad and grieving while still being able to fulfill all their duties.
Owning Our Emotions
The ability to own and understand our feelings is crucial when navigating grief and interpersonal relationships.
Fear of Losing Control
The quest for control can impede moving through grief. We must do our best to keep things stable after a significant loss and understand that we never have any control over what will happen.
Grief is Love
It may be helpful to understand that grief is love with nowhere to go. We can still find moments of laughter and happiness, even while missing someone we love, because grief evolves and can coexist with joy.
Nurturing a Connection with the Deceased
It may help us feel closer to our deceased loved ones if we talk to them as if they were still present or incorporate some of their qualities into our lives and interactions to carry their positive legacy forward.
Various Stages of Grief
Grief has various stages. So, we may feel different emotions at different times. All we need to do is allow ourselves to fully experience all our feelings without judging ourselves for having them.
Links and resources:
Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Founding Members
Information for Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Community
W.o.W Landing Page
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Today, I aim to present a novel perspective on Halloween inspired by the numerous questions I have received.
The question we are tackling today is, what should a parent do if Halloween is not what their child wants? This issue usually centers on the apprehensions kids may feel about Halloween, kids who do not enjoy the Halloween experience, exceptional kids, or children on the spectrum. But it could also happen in kids with no diagnosable reason why Halloween would be challenging. In those situations, I always feel it is best to revert to the principles I repeatedly emphasize in explicit parenting. If you are unfamiliar with the term, explicit parenting refers to my distilled philosophy on the challenges of raising children. I purposely chose the term explicit to highlight how that kind of parenting differs from implicit, hidden, or assumed parenting methods.
I will share my personal experiences along the way, as we explore this topic.
Understanding Co-Regulation with Children
Co-regulation involves the creation of a partnership with your child to help them manage their emotions. The first step is to know yourself and understand your triggers and expectations because self-awareness is essential for effective co-regulation. Co-regulation is the process of working together with your child to navigate their emotional world. It means being attuned to their feelings, creating a safe space for expression, and guiding them towards emotional balance. By knowing yourself and your triggers, you can provide better support and understand how your reactions can influence your child's emotional regulation.
Setting Realistic Expectations
Another crucial aspect is setting realistic expectations. Sometimes, what I envision may not be best for my child. That is why it is essential to acknowledge and accommodate their perspective. Being a supportive parent involves understanding that your child's needs and experiences may not always align with your desires or expectations. Being open to their unique perspective allows us to build a healthier and more harmonious parent-child relationship.
Active Listening and Curiosity
Active listening, or curiosity, is a cornerstone of co-regulation. Understanding your child's perspective is pivotal for building a strong parent-child bond and fostering healthy emotional development. Active listening involves not just hearing their words but also paying attention to their body language, tone of voice, and unspoken emotions. Being genuinely curious about your kids thoughts and feelings allows you to create an environment where they feel heard and understood.
Consistency, Persistence, and Explicitness
Consistency and persistence are key components of co-regulation. It is essential to be consistent and supportive when guiding our children. Co-regulation is an ongoing process that requires persistence to create a stable and reliable presence for your child. When we make mistakes or react in ways that are not helpful, it is essential to explicitly acknowledge it, apologize, and work together to repair any emotional ruptures. That teaches children that it is okay to make mistakes and struggle emotionally sometimes. It also shows them that relationships can withstand moments of imperfection.
Granting Yourself Grace
Co-regulation does not require perfection. It is natural to feel sadness or guilt when expectations do not get met. However, it is crucial to understand that it is okay to grieve our expectations and move forward with a deeper self-awareness, ultimately creating a healthier parent-child dynamic. Parents often put immense pressure on themselves to be flawless in their parenting. However, this is unrealistic and can lead to guilt and self-criticism. Granting yourself grace means acknowledging that you are doing your best, even when things do not go as planned. Grace is an act of self-compassion, helping us to understand that moments of struggle or disappointment do not define our value as parents.
What Am I Noticing?
Several summers ago, I underwent major surgery, which led to significant weight gain and a profound disconnect from my body. My path to reconnecting with my body took an unexpected turn when I stumbled upon two unique tarot decks that offered me a fresh perspective.
I was scrolling through Instagram when I stumbled upon a friend I had met through various networking groups. She had posted a picture of herself conducting tarot card readings, but what caught my eye was the unique tarot deck she was using. It was one I had never encountered before, based on the human physical body.
The first one is Be with Your Body Tarot, created by the writer Sarah Jean Chapman and illustrated by Sara Strese. It is a visually stunning deck that veers away from traditional tarot symbolism like pentacles and cups, replacing them with body parts like eyes, feet, hands, and hips. While retaining the major arcana, this deck encourages a deep relationship with your physical body, even incorporating elements from the Earth. The deck includes a meditation at the beginning, fostering gratitude and introspection and providing a profound way to tune into your body. The entire concept of this deck revolves around self-appreciation and reconnection with your physical form.
Another intriguing deck I discovered is The Body Tarot, recommended by Amazon. This deck directly associates tarot cards with various body parts. For instance, instead of the devil card, you have the gallbladder, and you get the kidneys in place of the tower. It also delves into the spiritual connections of those body parts. Given my inclinations toward both, the unique blend of traditional medicine and spirituality really appealed to me!
Both decks serve as fun and introspective rituals for me. They allow me to intentionally reconnect with my body and acknowledge its incredible aspects, especially as I approach my 50s!
The Body Tarot can be found on Amazon, while the Be with Your Body Tarot, a more artistic and slightly pricier option, is available on Etsy. Both are exquisite tools for personal exploration and self-awareness, making them meaningful gifts for yourself or others.
I hope today’s account sheds light on the power of introspection and highlights the value of seeking self-knowledge.
Resources:
Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Founding Members
Information for Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Community
W.o.W Landing Page
Be With Your Body Tarot deck on Etsy
The Body Tarot Deck on Amazon
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This podcast episode marks a new chapter as we step into the world of video for the very first time! My producer convinced me that the possibilities with video are endless, so here we are!
Today, I'm embracing a cozy vibe with my favorite Monday T-shirt and my hair freshly washed and left to its natural curls instead of the meticulous look you might be used to. Feel free to check out our YouTube channel for the video experience rather than the audio version. If there are any unexpected quirks or if I need to clarify things differently, it is all part of this exciting transition.
Today, I want to share what has been happening with the podcast.
Finding Direction for the Podcast
Since taking a break over the summer, we have been figuring out our path forward. We began in January 2020 as Conversations with Cristie, where I discussed topics I could not address in my psychotherapy practice. Therapy is about not giving advice, and this podcast gave me a chance to offer some guidance mixed with personal anecdotes. Now, as Ask Your Mother, we aim to answer all the questions you might want to ask a parent or mentor but don't feel comfortable asking.
Tuning In to Your Inner Self
One of the core questions we explore today is, How do I know what I want? Many people grapple with that when facing life transitions or evaluating their choices. We often follow societal expectations or external pressures without tuning in to our desires and values. To address that, I have developed a process I call tuning in to help individuals pay attention to their thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations in everyday moments. Tuning in is a practical way to begin understanding ourselves better and find answers to life's questions.
Concrete Exercises for Self-Discovery
We have also incorporated concrete exercises to help individuals to figure out what they want. One such exercise is the Circle of Life, a visual representation of life satisfaction in various areas. This exercise allows individuals to assess their current situation and decide where to focus their energy. Another tool is a Values Sort, which helps individuals identify their core values and align their choices with those.
My Journey of Career Changes
I have experienced significant career changes, transitioning from teaching to various roles while continuously tuning in to my instincts. Those changes have not always been easy, and I had to balance my passions with practical considerations. My journey highlights the importance of trusting your gut instinct and using the tuning-in process to guide your life decisions.
Recognizing Privilege in Our Journeys
I acknowledge that my journey and ability to tune in to my inner self came with privilege. I had the support of a partner with stable employment, allowing me the flexibility to explore different career paths. I know others may not have that privilege, so I recognize and address systemic barriers that often limit people's choices.
My Career Journey
In the early stages of my career, I had the luxury of not being financially dependent on any specific job. That freedom allowed me to take my time in making informed decisions about my career path while exploring roles and industries that did not offer high pay but intrigued me.
Private Practice
Several years later, I knew I wanted to establish a private practice. From the moment I began graduate school, I had that goal. I had briefly considered working in hospitals before realizing it was not the best fit for me. My age brought me the clarity to know my true calling was private practice.
Working Online
I spent a decade working online, from blogging to social influencing, before it became a recognized field. When I earned a certificate as a holistic health coach, I learned how to leverage social media to grow my business.
The Pitfall of Comparison
My internet-focused background had an unexpected impact on my perception of success. After opening a private practice, I found myself comparing my journey to the standards set by the internet. I felt like a failure because I did not have a book deal, hundreds of thousands of TikTok followers, or any local news appearances. I had bought into the idea that success had a predetermined definition and felt I was falling short of it.
Rediscovering My Passion
After spending significant resources on coaches and self-help programs, I finally reached a breaking point and began questioning what I truly wanted.
The Power of Self-Reflection
It dawned on me that I had allowed external influences to dictate my perception of success. I had a thriving private practice I loved, yet my focus on external markers of achievement had overshadowed my contentment. By reconnecting with my values and desires, I regained clarity and purpose.
Tuning In
Tuning into our inner selves should be a daily practice. We must ask questions like, How am I feeling?, and, What do I want more or less of? We should also engage in more extensive exercises of re-evaluation periodically, especially when feeling stuck or overwhelmed. Those exercises help us reconnect with our goals and values, erase external noise, and focus on what truly matters.
The Art of Knowing Oneself
Knowing what you want begins with knowing who you are and understanding what feels right. Once you know who you are, what you want, and what is important to you, you can navigate toward more of what resonates with you and less of what does not.
The Journey Continues
Discovering what you want is an ongoing journey that requires regular self-reflection and the courage to tune out external expectations. It is ultimately about finding fulfillment on your unique path rather than conforming to predefined notions of success.
What I am Noticing?
Our discussion is relatively light this week as we focus on tuning in. Remember that turning your attention inward and exploring your thoughts and feelings is more important than seeking external fulfillment.
A delightful recent discovery in my life is mint cream coffee, introduced to me by my daughter when we stayed at a friend's house in the Catskill Mountains some time ago. Just muddle some mint leaves, soak them in half-and-half overnight, and strain for a deliciously creamy minty coffee experience!
An interesting read I came across recently is a new James Comey book, Central Park West. Comey, known as the former FBI director and for his involvement in various high-profile cases, has now ventured into fiction. Central Park West is a murder mystery that offers a unique perspective on his experience in the New York District Attorney's office.
That's what I have noticed this week. I hope you enjoy my recommendations!
Till next time!
Links and resources:
Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Founding Members
Information for Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Community
W.o.W Landing Page
Central Park West: A Crime Novel Hardcover by James Comey
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Hey friends! Today's discussion really excites me because the inspiration came from the Women of Wonder community I lead! Stay tuned at the end for more details about this community.
The question we explore today is relevant for women of all ages. The tricky part of preparing this episode was coming up with advice that would resonate with women at different stages of life. The question is: How do I make friends as a grown-up? Let me tell you, traversing the intricate landscape of adult friendships is a universal challenge! It is a question that hits close to home for me, and I look forward to diving into this topic alongside all of you!
Navigating Friendships in a Changing Landscape
During our school years, making friends was mandatory, with daily interactions providing ample opportunities for connections. Transitioning to a career happened naturally for me, and working at a school, I formed bonds with colleagues who shared similar experiences and goals.
Recent events, however, have altered that landscape. The pandemic forced us into isolation, and returning to the same office dynamics was not guaranteed. Our lives have shifted, whether through remote work, career changes, or the arrival of children. The common thread among those transitions is a sense of loneliness and disconnection, leading many to ask how to make friends as adults.
Revisiting Old Friendships
The Ben Rector song, Old Friend, is about people who share our memories and understand our inside jokes. Unfortunately, recreating things from the past might be unattainable in our grown-up lives. I have also been there- longing for feelings of connection and wondering if it is possible to rekindle or replicate my old relationships.
Self-Reflection and Four Key Questions
In my experience, it all begins with introspection and four fundamental questions:
What am I looking for? For this question, identifying your specific needs and desires is crucial. Are you seeking deep connections or simply companionship? The answer will shape your approach. What do I have? Take stock of your current social resources. They could be existing friendships, colleagues, neighbors, or online communities. What can I give? Friendships require mutual effort, so consider what you are willing to invest. It could be your time, your vulnerability, or your support. Am I willing to do what it takes? Making friends often entails stepping out of your comfort zone, initiating conversations, and taking risks.Adapting to a Changing Life
Your stage in life will influence your approach to making friends. For instance, if you have young children, you might naturally connect with other parents or neighbors. As your kids grow and become more independent, you may wonder how to fill the void left by their increasing self-sufficiency. I have been in this position, and found it essential to adjust my expectations and adapt to the changing landscape.
Finding New Friendships
How we forge friendships as adults tends to echo how we did it in our youth. Making friends involves seeking out people who share your interests and passions. You may find them in clubs, classes, volunteering opportunities, or possibly at work. Online platforms and apps can also be valuable tools, especially in larger cities where finding like-minded individuals can be more challenging. It is ultimately about understanding what you are searching for and being open to the journey.
Creating Women of Wonder
I noticed the need for support and connection during life transitions, so I created the Women of Wonder group for women to come together and connect with others who share their interests and passions. Whether we discuss stand-up comedy, books, or television, our goal is to form connections based on commonalities beyond our roles and responsibilities.
Women of Wonder
I want to introduce everyone out there feeling lonely, sick of being tired, overwhelmed, unsupported, or not sure where to turn to our Women of Wonder community, abbreviated as WoW. It is a judgment-free, safe space to ask questions and connect with real people for support and answers. Loneliness is a common human experience, and it is crucial to understand that it is okay to seek connection.
Where Friendship Starts
I remind you that whether you want to expand your social circle or reconnect with old friends, it is all part of the human experience, and it starts with understanding what you need and have to offer in a friendship.
What Am I Noticing?
First up is The Bear. It is a Chicago-based series about a Michelin-starred chef who takes over his brother's restaurant. The family dynamics and kitchen conflicts make it a compelling watch, and the visuals and sound design are top-notch. If you enjoy intense storytelling and family drama, give it a shot.
Next is Heartstopper, a delightful love story based on a YA graphic novel. It follows two young men falling in love, surrounded by LGBTQ relationships. It is well-written, funny, and cute, making it a perfect choice for rom-com and high school drama enthusiasts.
Lastly, I recommend the book Charm City Rocks by Matthew Norman. Set in Baltimore, it explores co-parenting, aging, and the complexities of relationships. The way that the author portrayed inner thoughts and struggles resonated with me. It is a relatable read for anyone navigating adult life and relationships.
So, if you have some spare time and are not too busy making new friends, consider these TV shows and the book for enjoyable entertainment!
Links and resources:
Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Founding Members
Information for Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Community
W.o.W Landing Page
The Bear on Hulu
Heartstopper on Netflix
Charm City Rocks by Matthew Norman
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I am delighted to be back with you, my friends, after our summer break!
Our brief hiatus during the summer months was time well spent, as I devoted my energies to nurturing the Women of Wonder community.
Today's episode holds a special place in my heart! It stems from a question I posed on Instagram a few months ago about career guidance. Even though my post was intended for general advice, the very first query I received was related to mental health. Given my expertise in that area I decided to tackle this topic personally. I did some extra research to deepen my understanding and extend my knowledge beyond my home state for a broader perspective.
For those on the path or considering a career in mental health, I am thrilled to engage in this discussion with you and share a glimpse into my personal journey with its twists and turns in the hope of inspiring you to believe that it is never too late to pursue your dream career. I provide practical guidance, especially for those interested in private practice, and discuss the steps to reach that stage. Beyond the specifics, I also explore the broader aspects of choosing a career in mental health.
If mental health is not your career interest, this episode may not be for you, but please share it with those who might benefit.
What Do You Want to Do After Graduation?
Before pursuing a career in mental health, it's crucial to ask yourself what you envision doing once you complete your education. Your career goals will significantly influence the path you choose. Whether you aim to work in private practice, schools, social programs, or community centers, your desired outcome will guide your decisions.
What Do You Want to Learn in Your Program?
The second vital consideration is the content of your educational program. The courses and curriculum should align with your interests and career goals. For example, if you are interested in clinical work, you will want a program focusing on psychology, counseling, and developing essential therapeutic skills. Ensure the program you choose matches what you want to learn.
What License Do You Need?
Licensing requirements can vary widely depending on your location and career aspirations. To work independently in a clinical setting or private practice, you will typically need a Master's degree in counseling or social work. The type of license you pursue- whether it is in counseling, social work, marriage and family therapy, or another related field- must align with your career goals.
Understanding the specific licensing process for your chosen field is crucial. The process often includes passing exams, completing supervised hours, and obtaining provisional licenses before achieving full licensure.
3 Key Factors
Before embarking on a career in mental health, consider your ultimate career goals, the content of your educational program, and the specific licensing requirements for your chosen field. These three key factors will help you make informed decisions and navigate your path to a fulfilling career in mental health.
Education and Early Career Steps
Upon completing a Master's degree in a mental health-related field, the next step is to pursue licensure. This journey often begins with entry-level positions. I worked at a domestic violence agency and served as an advocate in court for survivors of sexual and domestic violence to get social work experience. Engaging in one-on-one counseling with supervision can also be instrumental in building your expertise. Some positions may offer supervision as part of the compensation, which can be advantageous.
Accumulating Supervised Hours
Gaining clinical experience and supervised hours is essential for licensure. I worked simultaneously at a domestic violence agency and a group practice to accumulate hours. My goal was to maximize clinical hours and work toward licensure efficiently. Seeking employment with supervision included can be financially advantageous and help you achieve licensure sooner.
Pursuing Doctoral Education
While pursuing licensure, some individuals opt for doctoral education. I initially enrolled in a Ph.D. program focused on human behavior but switched to a Psy.D. program focusing on clinical courses over research and statistics. Doctoral programs offer specialized knowledge, and choosing one aligned with your career goals is crucial.
Licensure Path Choices
After completing a doctoral degree, you may have the option to pursue additional supervised clinical work to obtain a psychology license. However, this route may be time-consuming and require working for free or paying for supervision. Choosing to pursue licensure should align with your career goals and financial considerations. Some mental health professionals decide not to pursue licensure and their degrees are still valuable in their practices.
Transitioning to Private Practice
Many mental health professionals aspire to open a private practice. However, graduate programs often lack comprehensive business training. Therefore, you may need additional education or mentorship in entrepreneurship and business management to establish and manage a successful private practice.
Self-Assessment and Decision-Making
Throughout your career journey, it is essential to reflect continually on your goals and desires. Ask yourself what you want to achieve, what you want to learn, and which license or credentials align with your career aspirations. Researching state licensure requirements and staying informed about evolving regulations is essential.
Resources and Reading Recommendations
For those pursuing careers in mental health or anyone interested in gaining insights into the field, several books provide valuable knowledge and perspectives:
The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom: Essays offering insights into the therapist's experience and boosting confidence. Letters to a Young Therapist by Mary Pipher: A must-read for therapists, offering guidance and reassurance. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl: Explores human resilience and the search for meaning in life. An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison: A personal story of living with mental illness and pursuing a career in mental health. Emotional Inheritance: A Therapist, Her Patients, and the Legacy of Trauma by Galit Atlas: Explores trauma and its intergenerational impact. The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Dr. Bruce Perry: Chronicles stories of resilience and survival in the face of unimaginable trauma. My Grandmother's Hands by Resmaa Menakem: Explores trauma, racial trauma, and resilience. The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity by Nadine Burke Harris: Discusses childhood adversity and its lifelong impact on health.These books offer valuable insights, whether you are pursuing a career in mental health or simply interested in human behavior and resilience.
A Dynamic Process
The journey from education to practice in the mental health field is a dynamic process that requires ongoing self-assessment, reflection, and alignment with personal and professional goals. It is a rewarding path that offers opportunities for growth and the chance to have a meaningful impact on the lives of others.
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Are you feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or stuck in a cycle of constant fatigue? Have you ever wished for a space where you can freely share your concerns without fear of judgment while connecting with others who truly understand what you are going through?
Well, that is just what I have been working tirelessly to create! It has become increasingly clear that many people are battling isolation and burnout, and I can no longer tolerate or ignore that.
The Transformative Power of Supportive Communities
As a therapist, I have witnessed the transformative power of supportive communities- the kind that leave you feeling uplifted, understood, and less alone. I have spent months brainstorming ways to harness this collective energy, and that's where Women of Wonder, or W.o.W for short, comes in. It is not about self-improvement but finding the support and camaraderie you need to navigate your daily life more effectively.
Women of Wonder
I have experienced the magic of group gatherings and retreats, where sharing stories and connecting can lead to profound growth. W.o.W is a dedicated online space for asking questions, sharing concerns, and accessing valuable resources. But it's more than just a digital hub. It's a community led by a psychology expert, offering monthly interactive Zoom calls, self-care sessions, and access to a wealth of courses. So, whether you are a parent, caregiver, or simply looking for connection, W.o.W is here to uplift and support you!
In-Person Events and Local Communities
One of my goals is to bring the essence of retreats to the Women of Wonder community. I have always cherished the power of retreats and would like to make them a regular part of W.o.W. These events will initially be open to a larger group, but members will have first access. My vision is to foster real-life connections and friendships within this supportive virtual community, and depending on the feedback we get, we may even consider hosting these retreats more frequently in local settings.
Community Evolution and Member-Led Topics
We will initially delve into the general topics you have shared with me over the years– subjects that often go unspoken but resonate deeply. As the group flourishes, it will get driven by your needs and desires. Your questions and areas requiring support will guide the direction of our discussions and resources. Although I am still laying the foundation, I anticipate W.o.W evolving into a collective effort where we will nurture and uplift each other!
Founding Membership
My dedicated team and I are working diligently on the back-end development of the W.o.W community and looking for founding members to play a crucial role in shaping it. By joining us early on, you will have exclusive access to the incentives and bonuses designed solely for our founding members!
Act Now and Embrace W.o.W
If you resonate with the feelings of burnout, exhaustion, or the loneliness we discussed earlier, becoming a founding member of W.o.W might be the perfect step for you! Email me at [email protected] to embark on this journey, and I will provide all the details you need about founding membership benefits and commitments. Our spots are filling quickly, so time is of the essence!
Get Ready for W.o.W
Fueled by the enthusiasm of my team and those around me, I am thrilled to launch this exciting new venture! If you have been yearning for a safe space to ask those tough questions and seek support without judgment, rest assured I am creating a haven for curiosity, camaraderie, and mutual understanding with W.o.W!
We look forward to seeing you join the Women of Wonder community! Stay tuned for updates, and reach out with any questions or inquiries through the website or by emailing us.
Your journey toward support, understanding, and empowerment starts here!
Links and resources:
Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Founding Members
Information for Women of Wonder (W.o.W) Community
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Many people struggle with depression and anxiety, and we don’t know how to help them. We don’t know how to help because depression and anxiety don’t have a characteristic “look.” Sadly, people who seem to “have it all together” and are “full of fun” are sometimes in a deep, dark pit on the inside. It takes courage to acknowledge the depression and ask for help, and their story can be beautiful, honest, and candid as they share their journey. Today’s guest has been in the darkness, and she’s opening up with the hope of bringing help to others. Join us.
Kadi Baker is a marketing strategist who lives in Riverside, CA, with her husband and eight children. She’s a grandmother of one, with another soon making her debut. Kadi and I go way back as mom bloggers together, and I’m excited to share her story. Kadi says that being a mom and grandma come first in her life, and everything else just follows after that.
Show Highlights:
How Kadi’s social image wasn’t genuine about what was really going on because people couldn’t handle the raw, ugly truth How people are open to the truth of anxiety and depression now more than in the past when the fishbowl of social media only wanted to recognize the extreme highs and lows of live How Kadi found herself in a pit about six weeks ago because of past trauma building up over time and culminating with the perfect storm of COVID, a sudden move, and work stress Along with the other issues, smoking and drinking to excess led Kadi to realize she was failing at her job and as a wife and mother; she reached out to her husband and mother for help How lying to herself and others about the truth came to a breaking point when she found the honesty to say, “That’s enough!” Why we need to realize that anxiety and depression don’t have a “look” because they look very normal and put-together Why Kadi resigned from her job because it was causing stress, perfectionism, sleeplessness, and other dysfunctions How “hustle culture” deceives women into thinking we don’t have a choice but to keep going, no matter how a job affects us How Kadi identified her job as a major stressor during intensive outpatient therapy in which she had to “sit” with her depression How Kadi is staying in touch with how she feels since the end of four weeks of intensive therapy Helpful tools for Kadi include the Calm app, medication, allowing bad days/finding forgiveness, creating/enforcing boundaries, radical acceptance tools, and using a list of “if this/then that” triggers How people can help in the best ways vs. the worst ways that don’t help How Kadi had to find out what works for her and learn coping strategies from others How medications can help quiet the anxiety but should be re-evaluated periodically What Kadi wants others to know: “Someone else’s pain doesn’t diminish your pain. Your pain matters. Don’t compare yourself to others.” How feeling the pain allows the healing to comeResources:
Connect with Cristie:
Parenting Courses: www.wonderincwellness.com
Email: [email protected]
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Thien Kim Lam is unafraid to have uncomfortable conversations about sex. She’s not your typical romance writer because she’s focused on empowering women to enjoy sex and pleasure for themselves.
Thien learned a lot as a sex toy sales consultant and eventually she realized that so many issues were with female sexuality were universal and they needed to be addressed in a positive way.
She eventually started Bawdy Bookworms to combine the pleasures of romance novels with the pleasures of sex toys. She’s all about bringing back fun and pleasure for all types of women.
Join Cristie and Thien as they explore this conversation about sex, fun and pleasure!
Show Highlights:
Learn how Thien started writing romance novels Why women need focus on their own pleasure How Thien became uncomfortable with uncomfortable topics Why it’s important for Thien to include all types of characters in her romance novels How Bawdy Bookworms got started Handling uncomfortable conversations with your children The importance of working through your own uncomfortable feelings about conversations about sex that you have to have with your children Representation and diversity and plus sized women in romance novels and why it’s important Why it is important to deprogram yourself from shame as a womanResources:
Courses for Parenting can be found at https://wonderincwellness.com and click on parenting support in the menu.
Olivia Dade - Forty Love - for plus sized characters and heroines
Roan Parish- for romance in all shapes and sizes also set it Philly.
Join Thien’s Free Private FB Group - https://www.facebook.com/groups/BBInsiders
You can sign up for different types of subscriptions at https://bawdybookworms.com
https://thienkimlam.com/about-thien-kim/
Happy Endings Book
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Are you feeling anxious in these uncertain times? Most of us would admit to some level of anxiety during this pandemic, but how do we acknowledge the feelings and learn the coping skills we need to manage? Today’s show comes to the rescue with practical advice from an expert. Join us to learn more!
Kayla Chorley is a licensed therapist in Alberta, Canada. As a high school teacher, she’s not only an expert on the topic of anxiety but also an expert on teens with anxiety. Kayla educates us about generalized anxiety and the basics of what that really means. She also shares what happens to an anxious person in times of great stress like we are experiencing right now. Kayla has helpful advice for all of us in managing anxiety at whatever level we find ourselves.
Show Highlights:
Get to know Kayla, the physics teacher who wanted to be able to help her students in more tangible ways The basics of anxiety: Anxiety is a fear response. Anxiety has three core elements: feelings, thoughts, and physical sensations. Anxiety can be of the everyday variety (external worries) or disordered anxiety (internal worries). Why stomach issues often accompany anxiety How anxiety becomes less scary when we understand the biology of how it works Kayla’s tips for managing anxiety: Be proactive, anticipate the anxiety, and “play offense.” Shift your mindset to realize that anxiety is trying to work WITH you--not against you. Kayla’s advice to parents who want to help their kids through the anxiety of today’s challenges: start with age-appropriate open dialogue and focus on the “right now” How a focus on self-care can help all of us with anxiety When parents should “check in” with their kids about anxiety and model uncertainty for themResources:
The Anxious Pineapple podcast
www.pineappletherapy.ca
Connect with Cristie:
Parenting Courses: www.wonderincwellness.com
Email: [email protected]
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Get ready for a uniquely enlightening and empowering episode! Today, we embark on a mind-expanding journey through menstruation and micro-dosing! If you’re wondering how these two worlds collide, you will soon understand because we have an expert joining us!
Leslie Draffin is a passionate advocate for activating the divine feminine within women! She joins me to unravel the mysteries of hormonal changes in women, and shed light on what unfolds as we age and begin paying attention to our bodies. But that's not all! With her extensive studies into maternal mental health, Leslie has become a go-to resource for the increasingly popular practice of micro-dosing.
As a menstrual cycle coach and proponent of cyclical living, Leslie empowers women to embrace their innate power through intentional practices like micro-dosing, psychedelic use, and feminine embodiment. Her mission is to permit people to step fully into their magnificence and recognize the sacredness that resides within every one of us.
Prepare to be inspired as Leslie guides us on a transformative journey towards self-empowerment and embracing the sacred within ourselves!
Leslie’s menstrual coaching journey
Leslie’s journey into menstrual cycle coaching stemmed from a profound desire to connect with her body. She was raised in a religious household where talk of menstruation was taboo, and she felt disconnected and isolated. When she experienced her own menstrual cycle, she finally understood the cyclical nature of womanhood.
In 2019, Leslie had a spiritual awakening. It prompted her to embrace her authentic femininity by discontinuing the pill after years of use. She embarked on a transformative path but continued facing difficulties such as irregular periods, hair loss, and cystic acne. Through listening to Gemma Lee's podcast, she found solace and recognized the significance of menstrual cycle coaching. In 2021, after reclaiming her cycle and developing a deeper connection with her body, she joined a coaching program. Now, as an educator and coach, she is on a mission to empower others by dispelling misconceptions about menstrual cycles and uncovering the incredible power within each unique cycle.
Leslie’s coaching services
There are currently three options available through Leslie's coaching services. The first focuses solely on menstrual cycle work, offering support and guidance in understanding and embracing the natural rhythms of the cycle. The second option centers around integration and support for micro-dosing or general psychedelic use. The third option, the cyclical micro-dosing protocol, is Leslie's newest creation and her most exciting endeavor. This unique protocol combines the principles of well-known micro-dosing protocols with a cyclical twist, aiming to use plant medicine to address cycle-related issues and promote overall well-being throughout the month. By dividing the cycle into two halves and adjusting the frequency of micro-dosing accordingly, the protocol seeks to address challenges associated with PMS and PMDD. Leslie is thrilled to guide individuals through this transformative journey, and she is currently offering a 10-week group integration program during the summer, providing support in cyclical micro-dosing, reconnecting with the cycle, and embracing the divine feminine. It represents a culmination of her passion and expertise in these areas.
Leslie’s Holy Trinity
The combination of micro-dosing, cyclical living, and womb work forms what Leslie calls her Holy Trinity. Those three elements work together to activate the authentic self. By peeling away layers through micro-dosing, individuals gain a deeper understanding of their true nature. Cyclical living and aligning with the natural rhythms of the menstrual cycle will further support this process. Womb work and reconnection also play a crucial role in this transformative journey. Whether someone is new to these concepts or familiar with micro-dosing, Leslie’s Holy Trinity offers a magical path of self-discovery and self-knowledge.
Microdosing
Microdosing impacts the brain profoundly by quieting negative thought loops and creating space for new neural pathways and patterns to emerge. When micro-dosing, it is helpful to have some support because working with someone who can hold space, encourage, and engage in meaningful discussions can facilitate deeper and more impactful experiences than one would have when going through the process alone.
Creating a healthy cycle
Resting and doing less during your period is crucial for a healthy cycle. Pushing yourself too hard in the second half of your cycle can lead to fat gain and muscle loss due to hormonal changes. Instead of intense workouts, prioritize rest and take naps during your period. Another crucial step is to eat enough food, as restrictive diets can negatively impact your cycle. Permitting yourself to eat when you bleed is essential. Even small adjustments like going to bed earlier, sleeping in, or doing a digital detox can make a difference. Avoid excessive screen time during your period to enhance sleep hygiene and tap into your heightened intuitive abilities. Consider the content you consume, including social media and news, as it can influence your subconscious during this time. It is essential to approach cyclical living with small, sustainable steps rather than overwhelming yourself with drastic changes.
Leslie’s 10-week Cyclical Microdosing Journey
Doors open on the 1st of May for Leslie’s 10-week journey called Cyclical Microdosing, which focuses on reconnecting with the cycle, womb, and divine feminine. The program consists of 10 live calls, each lasting 75 minutes, supplemented by audio and video lessons. Participants will also have access to a Signal chat for community connection. The aim is to create a sacred sisterhood where individuals can feel safe, vulnerable, and supported in their healing journey within a circle of women. The program draws inspiration from historical practices like Red tents, where menstruating individuals would come together to celebrate the sacredness of their bleeding. The intention is to cultivate a space for deep learning and unlearning, empowering participants to overcome obstacles and embrace their true potential.
What am I noticing?
This week, I want to share my thoughts on two TV shows that captured my attention. The first is Queen Charlotte, a spin-off from the popular series Bridgerton. It offers a unique perspective by intertwining the Bridgerton era with historical context, shedding light on the characters' origins and providing further depth to the storyline. Unlike the steamy nature of the first two seasons, Queen Charlotte approaches the narrative from a woman's perspective, resulting in scenes that are hilariously entertaining and heartbreakingly poignant. Shonda Rhimes masterfully addresses themes of misogyny and women's work, creating a well-executed and captivating show that Bridgerton fans will undoubtedly adore.
The second show I want to discuss is The Diplomat, starring Keri Russell. It has been compared with The West Wing, a show my husband and many others loved. While I appreciated The West Wing, I found The Diplomat even more enjoyable! It features quick dialogue, rich character development, and engaging plotlines. The fast pace and intriguing storyline make the show an excellent choice for couples with different viewing preferences. It strikes a balance between suspense and character-driven narratives, showcasing the complexity of the relationship between Keri Russell's character and her partner, a former diplomat.
Both Queen Charlotte and The Diplomat can be found on Netflix. I hope you find these shows as captivating as I did.
Links and resources
Leslie’s website
Reinvention Mom
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In today's world, mental health terms and diagnoses seem to be everywhere. social media, YouTube, and everyday conversations are filled with references to anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. While this trend may help to reduce the stigma around mental illness, it also raises questions about the appropriate use of psychological terms and interventions outside of clinical settings. In today’s episode, I explore the pros and cons of this trend and consider the potential impact on individuals and society as a whole.
While mental health terms and diagnoses can help reduce the stigma around mental illness and make psychological concepts more accessible, oversimplification and overgeneralization can lead to misuse and misinterpretation. The use of terms like boundaries and toxic relationships in modern relationships is also a concern, as they can be used too frequently and without proper consideration of the complexity of relationships. That is why we must examine our need to diagnose ourselves and others and seek help when necessary. On a lighter note, there are some great TV shows and podcasts out there that are both entertaining and uplifting!
A New Yorker article
According to a New Yorker article, the increasing use of mental health terms and diagnoses in everyday language has positive and negative implications. On the one hand, it helps to reduce the stigma around mental illness and makes psychological concepts more widely accessible. However, the oversimplification and overgeneralization of these terms, often in bite-sized social media videos, can lead to misuse and misinterpretation. That can cause individuals to diagnose themselves and others without the necessary expertise and potentially do more harm than good.
A Bustle article
I am impressed by younger people who are in tune with their emotions and relationships, but it worries me that they lack the tools to manage them. They fear that the normalization of mental health and feelings has resulted in using them as an excuse for bad behavior or addressing everything intensely before moving on. That’s why my daughter sent me a Bustle article that interviewed young adults who had experienced bad breakups with friends, and they used psychological terms like boundaries and toxic relationships. The interviewed individuals were often caught off guard and surprised by the intensity of the conversation, with some not even realizing that they were being accused of being bad friends.
Boundaries and toxicity in modern relationships
I am concerned about the use of the concepts of boundaries and toxic relationships in modern relationships. While I believe in the importance of setting boundaries and being aware of toxic relationships, it worries me that these terms are being used too frequently and without proper consideration of the complexity of relationships. Relationships are not always easy or clearly defined, especially as people grow and change. So instead of focusing solely on boundaries and toxic relationships, I believe we should reassess our relationships and take stock of whether or not they are serving both parties.
The problem with setting boundaries
Setting boundaries can lead to conflict and disappointment, and toxic relationships are not just difficult relationships or disagreements. That’s why I advise people to examine why they feel the need to diagnose themselves or others and ask them what they will do with the information. If it helps them get support or manage symptoms, then that's a good thing. But if it is just an excuse to avoid or continue something, they should seek support and help instead. Identifying a relationship as toxic can give people the freedom to make different choices. However, sometimes people mistake not getting what they want out of a relationship for it being toxic, which could be due to old trauma.
Misuse of psychological terms
People often misuse psychological terms like narcissism and toxic relationships without fully understanding them. People may label their partner as narcissistic or their relationship as toxic when they are simply going through a rough patch. Additionally, many people come to therapy when they are already in a toxic relationship triggered by past trauma, and the conflict cannot be settled easily because of the fight or flight response. That’s why I suggest that instead of using psychological labels without understanding their meaning, individuals should examine their motivations and seek help accordingly.
What are you noticing?
I have recently been watching and listening to two television shows and two podcasts.
The television shows are Tiny Beautiful Things and Single Drunk Female. Tiny Beautiful Things is based on the Cheryl Strayed book, Talking About Miss Sugar. I enjoyed it because of Kathryn Hahn's performance, and I liked how the storyline ends hopefully, despite being a little messy. Single Drunk Female is a fantastic show about a young woman getting sober and trying to live her life back in her hometown. It is good fun! It has a rich storyline, great characters, excellent character development, and a good supporting cast.
The two podcasts are Smartless with Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes and Fly on the Wall. Both podcasts are entertaining and full of silliness, typically with well-known celebrities interviewing other celebrities. Fly on the Wall is hilarious! It features Dana Carvey and David Spade, both former Saturday Night Live actors and comedians who have been in multiple other shows.
Links and resources:
Single Drunk Female on Hulu Trailer
Tiny Beautiful Things
Fly on the Wall Podcast
Smartless Podcast
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Will I ever get over being homesick?
That is a question most college students will surely relate to! It will also resonate with many adults who have moved away to a new place. My daughter, Faith, is in college, and she joins me to discuss whether or not people who move away from home ever stop feeling homesick. We dive into what it means to feel homesick, different types of homesickness, and how things change over time.
Neither Faith nor I know if it is possible to overcome feelings of homesickness fully. However, we know it is possible to get over it, figure out how to manage it, and move on when it comes up.
What does it mean to be homesick?
Even when things are going very well for her academically and socially, Faith still feels upset about her parents being far away. For her, homesickness is also about no longer having anyone else to do all the banal tasks that adults have to do.
Different types of homesickness
There are many different types of homesickness. Moving to an unfamiliar place can make some of us feel a little insecure, while others, regardless of how old they are, miss having someone to care for them when they are feeling down or anxious, or get sick.
The pandemic
Faith feels that being locked down during the pandemic took away some of the time she needed to pull away from her family after high school, make a life for herself, and learn how to solve her own problems.
Leaving part of ourselves behind
For some of us, no matter how old we are, it will always feel like we have left a piece of ourselves behind when we move to a new environment.
Things we miss about being home
It can take some time for a new place to feel like home. Sometimes, we miss just popping in to see our parents or siblings. Or we may miss getting a hug from them when something good or bad happens to us.
Where is home, and what is homesickness?
Home is where we spend our most important times and wherever our precious belongings are. Homesickness is what we feel and who and what we miss in a given moment.
Managing feelings of homesickness
Feelings of homesickness can be related to many different things. To overcome them, we must first identify what they mean to us. Then we can either replicate whatever we are missing or let go of those things and learn to accept our new situation.
I recently finished watching the TV show Shrinking and found it both fun and enjoyable! It is on Apple TV and has half the same writers as Ted Lasso. It is about three doctors working in a counseling practice who all go a bit crazy at times, break rules, and cross ethical boundaries. The cast is amazing, the characters are hilarious, and the show satisfied me to the end!
Daisy Jones and the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid is available on Amazon. Even though I am not an audiobook person, I recently listened to the audiobook version and found it very well cast and read. In fact, it was just like listening to a movie, and I loved it! The show came out while I was listening to the book, and I found that the show remains true to the essence of the book. Faith also enjoyed the book and the show for various reasons. She liked how the show was shot like a documentary and that Daisy Jones was portrayed realistically as a rock star from the 1970s. She enjoyed the music because the actors play the instruments and sing the songs. Faith also loved how the book was written as if you're reading interviews with the band.
Faith and I had the most delicious, light, and lovely smoothies from the River Birch Cafe in Morgantown, West Virginia. If you go there, ask for the Speak To The Management smoothie!
Faith recommends buying a little tumbler cup with a straw from Big Lots for $5 for your next takeaway coffee. She loves it because it is very sparkly with lots of gemstones all over it, and it is also easy to clean!
Faith and I are both obsessive and compulsive about music! Faith recently introduced me to Tyler Childers, a musician from Kentucky who plays music with an Appalachian sound, with a similar vibe to that of Chris Stapleton. Tyler Childers's music is beautiful and lyrical. It is more folksy than country. Faith especially loves his 2017 album, Purgatory, and his song Charleston Girl.
Links and resources:
Homesick Candles: https://amzn.to/3KEkif1
Tyler Childers Music
Shrinking on Apple:
Reinvention You Program (work with Cristie)
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Parenting can be challenging and frustrating. Many parents reach that point where they just want to explode causing them to yell at their kids or even their partners. There can be several possible reasons behind their actions but one thing is for sure – it’s not a healthy way of communication.
However, it’s important that parents know how to deal with stress and their own emotions. That’s what I’m here for – to discuss all about how yelling at kids affects them and how we, as parents, can stop ourselves from yelling at them repeatedly.
Keep in mind that it takes time to overcome the habit of yelling. Be kind to yourself and your kids and continue to develop a healthy and positive relationship with them.
You’ve probably heard me talk about Daniel Siegel before but recently, I’ve read one of his books called Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain which gives us an enlightening insight about adolescents, their developments, and their behaviors.
Brainstorm is a good read primarily because discussions about teenagers are interesting. There are many fun things that happen during teenage years and one shouldn’t just be surviving it. Daniel Siegel did a good job in this book helping us understand the things that we usually don’t like to deal with. It gives you a level of compassion for adolescents as humans that maybe as adults, we somehow forgot how teenage years were.
Another fun thing I’ve recently got hooked into is Will Trent which is a TV show on Hulu. It’s based on the book series of Karin Slaughter. It’s a delightful police procedural crime drama with a knockout cast. Although, I can almost guarantee that the show's gonna get cancelled because I really like it and I seem to be a bad luck charm for network television. So catch it while you can!
Lastly, I am a part of a group called Believe Inspire Grow (B.I.G.) which is for women. It started as a New Jersey women in business group but it has expanded to be a global organization because of the pandemic.
There are many women of stellar character. Everybody’s generous and kind hearted. There are tons of opportunities to learn from everyone in the group. So if you’re seeking to make deeper connections and get yourself limitless opportunities, check out our B.I.G. community.
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While having conflicts in a relationship can be uncomfortable and challenging, it can also spark growth and positive change. While that is the case, there are also couples who never fight probably because of avoidance of the issue.
However, it is important to approach such situations in a healthy and constructive way to prevent damage and to strengthen the relationship and grow together as partners. That is why, today, we’re here to answer the frequently asked question on why couples constantly fight over the same thing.
Why conflict is an important part of any good healthy relationship.
When a relationship is conflict-oriented, there’s usually a mismatch between the partners, not just in terms of their personalities but also in their communication style.
The usual case is that one grew up in an environment where there is constant yelling or fighting whereas the other has a family history of burying and not talking about anything and pretending that everything is alright.
On a positive note, having conflicts in a relationship can lead to growth, understanding, and even improved communication between partners. It can encourage partners to be more open and honest with each other. Also, it can push partners to explore new ideas and perspectives to improve themselves and their relationship.
What is the difference between conflict and fighting?
Conflict is a natural and important part of a relationship. Treat it as an opportunity for growth rather than dismissing or avoiding it. It is because of avoidance that conflict becomes uncomfortable for many.
The conflict is not the problem. It’s how we show up to the conflict that turns them into fights. That’s why it’s important for us to examine these conflicts. You have to determine whether you are fighting over the simple things or fundamental differences.
The main reason as to why there’s an unproductive conflict is because you’re in a triggered state when you’re having these conversations. If your intention of fighting is to get them to change their mind or them to get you to change your mind like in the case of supporting two opposing football teams and convincing the other to switch to your side, it's never going to happen. You're going to keep fighting over it and that can feel repetitive and silly.
The four horsemen of the marriage apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
A metaphor called ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ from marriage therapist professionals, John and Julie Gottman, may come in handy for partners who want to pave the way to having a healthy and productive communication.
The Four Horsemen consists of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If any of these show up in your conflict, no argument is going to be productive.
Criticizing your partner is different from complaining as criticism comes in the form of verbal attacks directed towards your partner’s personality or character. To eliminate this, you have to start expressing positive needs and talking about feelings to avoid triggering the other horsemen to follow.
The second horseman is contempt. In this case, one attacks his or her partner with the intent to insult or abuse. This is beyond criticism. The antidote to contempt is for you to establish some gratitude practices around your partner and remind yourself of your partner’s great qualities.
Defensiveness, on the other hand, is when one is playing the innocent victim so that his or her partner will back off and is reversing the blame to make it look like it’s the other partner’s fault. There really is no room for healthy conflict management in this case.
And lastly, stonewalling occurs when one suddenly shuts down and stops responding to their partner. It’s a way of evading issues as a result of being overwhelmed from everything, particularly from the negativity brought about by the occurrence of the first three horsemen.
Taking responsibility for your own stuff is where you start with a lot of these things. There should also be an open and healthy communication between you and your partner to be able to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs more.
And if you feel like you’re constantly fighting about the same thing, take a step back and assess whether or not your fights are circling on something that you’re never going to agree on because conflict can really lead to growth and to a strengthening of the connection, if it's dealt with in a healthy and constructive way.
If you need more information about The Four Horsemen, you can go to the Gottman website (https://www.gottman.com/). You can also contact a local couples therapist if you and your partner are interested but you can also do it on your own to rebuild your connection and relationship.
Let me help you get ready for these conversations. If you’re interested, you can sign up on my Reinvention Mom website (https://reinventionmom.com/).
Reinventionmom.com to sign up for tips on fighting fair
Fleishman’s in Trouble is on Apple TV
Stay tuned for more episodes and remember to keep having conversations that lead to growth!
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Questions that circle around the topic of relationships, whether romantic, friendly or familial, overwhelm many people. They don’t know how to deal with the feelings that come with the relationships they’re in or getting into.
The reason for this is because of attachment. And in today’s episode, I’m going to give you a wider perspective on how your experiences as a child translate into adult behaviors.
What is it like being on the perfectly secure end of the spectrum?
I don’t think there’s anyone who’s on the perfect side of the spectrum because it’s difficult to do or have perfect parenting. This is not to say that no one achieves a secure attachment but being perfect 100% of the time.
Being perfectly secure and attached means you’re constantly given unconditional love. You’re constantly reassured about who you are. You’re always accepted and loved without any doubt or hesitation. Basically, 100% of the time, you are treated that way perfectly by perfect people.
Moreover, perfectly secure attachment is when you walk into the world with so much confidence as an adult. You trust that people have your best interests at heart. You will experience growth through conflict every single time but you will never feel bad about yourself.
You will never yell at someone and have surges of anger. You know yourself so intimately and you regard yourself so positively that you will never have any problems with any interpersonal conflict ever in your whole life.
The other end of the spectrum is insecurity.
Opposite to the perfectly secure attachment, being on the other end of the spectrum lies insecurity. It is sometimes considered as anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
The message that you are loved unconditionally, that you are a valued person on this earth, that your instincts about how to take care of yourself are heard, affirmed and listened to – none of that is happening. And so, you grow up with an anxious or avoidant attachment style, which is the opposite of secure.
Growing up with such an attachment style, you tend to not trust people easily which is why you end up avoiding relationships altogether. You don’t trust your own instincts because you don’t feel valuable or loved.
Why do we yell at our kids?
Yelling at our children is a common occurrence in many households, but it's important to ask why we do it. Sometimes, parents yell out of frustration or a lack of patience. Other times, it may be a learned behavior from our own upbringing or cultural norms. Regardless of the reason, it's important to recognize that yelling can have a negative impact on our children.
Studies have shown that yelling can lead to increased anxiety and depression in children, as well as lower self-esteem and behavioral issues. It can also damage the parent-child relationship, creating a sense of fear and resentment rather than love and trust.
Instead of resorting to yelling, it's important to identify the root cause of our frustration and address it in a calm and constructive manner. This can involve taking a break to calm down, speaking with our children in a gentle and respectful tone, and setting clear boundaries and consequences for their actions. By modeling healthy communication and conflict resolution, we can help our children develop the skills they need to navigate relationships and challenges in their own lives.
Ultimately, it's up to us as parents to create a safe and supportive environment for our children, one that fosters their growth and development. By recognizing the impact of yelling and choosing to respond with empathy and understanding, we can build stronger connections with our children and help them thrive.
How does this show up in a couple of different ways.
Most experiences in childhood, whether good or bad, have a significant impact on a person’s emotional, psychological, and even physical well-being in adulthood.
Bad experiences may later on show up in mental health issues. Trauma can increase the risk of developing mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and borderline personality disorder.
They can also affect one’s ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood. People may struggle with trust issues, have difficulty expressing themselves or connecting with others, and may be prone to conflict. They may also be involved in dysfunctional relationships.
With regard to emotions, your bad childhood experiences can lead to difficulties in regulating or processing emotions. It can manifest as mood swings, angry outbursts, or emotional numbness.
Unconditional positive regard is the cornerstone of the work.
We're meant to have empathy, support and acceptance towards a person sitting across from us, regardless of what they say or do. In order to help this person heal as a human is to have unconditional positive regard for them, regardless of what they think, say, do or how they behave.
My intention is to view them as a beautiful human that I am holding space for them. When we treat others with unconditional positive regard, we create a safe space for them – an environment of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. It helps us build positive relationships.
We create an environment where people feel safe to explore new ideas, take risks, and grow as individuals. It creates a sense of community which reduces feelings of isolation and loneliness, and creates a sense of belonging. This can be incredibly empowering and can help to build confidence and self-esteem.
Can you fix them if you think they are broken?
It is important to have a clear understanding of what your child is going through. Sometimes, our mind gets clouded and we tend to think that you’re in conflict with your child because you’re not really seeing the bigger perspective in such situations.
We may think that they’re broken but they may not even see themselves in the same way or may have different needs than what you think they need.
What we have to think of is, “Are you viewing them as the beautiful human that you love unconditionally? Or are you viewing them as some sort of demon?” Answering that question gives you a good idea of where your thoughts are coming from.
How do you know when you’re getting triggered?
Sometimes, no matter how much care we have for our children, we can’t help but to shout at them or feel angry. Perhaps your child may have done something that you feel is wrong, and this has triggered your anger.
You may be feeling stressed or overwhelmed by other things in your life, and your child’s behavior may be pushing you over the edge. When you’re already on edge, it’s understandable that you get easily triggered even by the simplest actions of your child.
Although sometimes, our own past experiences can trigger us. Maybe you were yelled at as a child that’s why your exhibiting a strong emotional response to your child’s behavior.
But we always have to keep in check our unconditional positive regard for each other. It’s when we have that that repairs can be made. And your kids get that unconditional positive regard because you've taught it to them. You have shown them that you love them no matter what.
Show them that your love is not conditional. Be the safe place your children love returning to. Show them that they can count on you. That's the message we're all trying to send our kids even though sometimes it gets muddled and twisted along the way.
If you can fight with your partner or argue with your child and both come into it assuming the very best of each other, growth happens.
It's natural for disagreements to arise in any relationship, whether it's with a partner or a child. However, how we approach these disagreements can make all the difference in our growth and development as individuals and as a family unit. When we come into a disagreement with the assumption that the other person has good intentions, we create an environment that fosters growth and understanding.
Assuming the best of each other doesn't mean that we ignore the issue at hand or brush it under the rug. Instead, it means that we approach the situation with empathy and respect, seeking to understand the other person's perspective and working together to find a solution that benefits everyone involved. This kind of approach can lead to deeper connections, increased trust, and greater intimacy in our relationships.
When we assume the best of our partner or child, we create a positive framework that encourages us to communicate effectively and work together to overcome challenges. It also sets an example for our children, showing them that disagreements are a natural part of any relationship and that they can be approached in a constructive and positive way.
In short, approaching disagreements with the assumption that the other person has good intentions is a powerful tool for growth and development in any relationship. By prioritizing empathy, respect, and understanding, we can create a strong foundation for our relationships to thrive and flourish over time.
For those who are interested to learn more as we go through this journey, you may check out these links:
Strange Situation Bethany Saltman
Emotional Inheritance Galit Atlas
Babyproof Your Relationship Course
Tune In Playlist
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One of the frequently asked questions that I get is about what you should do when your friend has a baby. This question may seem to pop up randomly but the same actually crosses many people’s minds especially to those who don’t have kids of their own or those who are at that point in life where many of their friends or relatives are already having kids.
In today’s episode, we’ll talk more about how to best show your support to your friends and family when you reach that certain point in life and we’ll dive into relevant topics necessary for you to learn more about what you need to know.
What you need to know as a support person.
The main thing that you need to know is that you can’t fully understand what’s going on especially if you don’t have kids. However, this should not hinder you from providing support. You can sympathize in a way that’s helpful and compassionate.
In case you don’t know how or where to start, think about a time when you felt a bit helpless or lost but you knew you needed help. If you could do that, that’s going to be helpful for you as a support person. The shared understanding is what will make you a great support person.
Sometimes, when wanting to comfort someone, we tend to say we’ll be there to support them but in reality, you don’t know what you need or what to do. It’s a nice gesture although completely useless. Instead, what you should do is to make an offer. Don’t ask them what they need.
What to do if you’re underprepared.
No one’s really prepared for the amount of stuff that comes after having a child and then going home. In my experience, I was grossly underprepared. I took some things from the hospital but didn’t take enough as I could not fathom how much I would need at that moment. Although I’ve learned my lesson for the succeeding visits I’ve had to the hospital.
If you’re feeling unprepared or emotionally all over the place, that’s alright. If you’re going to show your support, it’s going to be an emotional turmoil for sure but as much as possible, be prepared to hold space. Let go of your expectations for what you can do, or how you can help.
Allow them to do and be whatever they need to do and be. Be present and be an empty vessel for them to use in going through such a beautiful journey. That’s the best gift that you can give them - showing up and being present.
Don’t come in and demand anything of the mom.
What usually happens after giving birth and coming home is having visitors and letting them see your baby. For many moms, they’re grateful for those who visit and babysit to give them time to be able to do chores or rest.
Taking some loads off the shoulders of moms may be the first idea that comes to the minds of many but sometimes, the last thing on the mind of a mom is doing the laundry or dishes. She should be able to decide what exactly she wants.
Don’t come in and demand anything of the mom. Carefully think about how you’ll go in there and how you’ll ask to take some of the heaviness away. Give them options and let them tell you what feels most comfortable rather than just coming and doing what you think is best because that’s only going to overwhelm them.
Things that make it easier for moms and dads.
One thing that no one said but that I have seen several times is that if you’re close friends or you’ve known them for a long time, it might be nice to help your friend or colleague feel like his or her old self again rather than reminding them and reassuring them that they are still the person that they were before the baby came into their lives.
Remind them that they have a whole identity outside the house and their baby. We also have to understand that they don’t need fixing because they’re not broken. They’re simply figuring out a new thing. They’ve changed in a way that they need some reassurance that they’re on the right track.
Hiring someone to do chores also makes things easier for the parents but you should consult them first. In fact, my mother hired a night nurse for me and it’s the most amazing thing ever.
Bringing food is a lovely yet inconvenient gesture.
In the US, it’s common to bring food for any event that’s happening whether good or bad. While it’s a lovely gesture to do, it’s actually the most inconvenient thing in the world.
There are things to consider when bringing food such as the number of people who will eat it, their taste preference, and the like. We don’t want them to get sick of having the food after a few days.
And so, if you’re going to bring food, make sure that they’re easy to eat. Typically, people give out cookies, granola bars and brownies because they’re convenient to buy or make and easy to eat yet still enjoyable. Some people also bring fruits and coffee.
Despite having mobile applications for online food delivery, sometimes, the process of thinking about what to buy and everything else is too much when you’re still trying to process having a new child in your home. That’s why dropping things off that you know they’ll need and are easy will be very much appreciated.
How do you support a friend who doesn’t have family support?
If you want to offer help to a friend or even a relative who doesn’t have familial support for whatever reason, you can take up the role of being a mom although you have to be cautious. You shouldn’t just assume anything or put it on them.
Continued care is one of the best ways to show your support to a friend. Like what our parents usually do for us, that’s what being there for your friend is like - being physically present and doing things for them, so that they will no longer have to worry about those things on top of taking care of their baby.
Doing these things will help moms heal and rest. We want to try to get them back to a baseline from before having their child because having a new child puts them in a very emotional toll alongside having to endure physical changes.
This applies not just to birthing moms but even if you’re adopting. This is for anyone who brings a new child into their house. There’s no doubt that it’s an exhausting and emotional journey for them which is why we want to offer our support. We all need as many great friends as we can get especially in the toughest times.
Stay tuned for more episodes! I’ll also be having a new segment in addition to all the professional stuff that I do for everyone to know the whole other side of me so make sure to watch out for that.
If you have any questions, you may send them to [email protected]. You may also check our services at Reinvention Mom website (https://reinventionmom.com/) if you’re looking for support, courses, coaching and more.
Links and Resources:
The Bump Must Haves List
Diaper Bag Backpack (Also great for travel!)
Muslin Baby Blanket
Spare
Slow Horses Apple TV
New GIrl Netflix
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Many things are way different now as compared to when we were kids and one of those that changed massively is parenting. And a lot of parents, especially new ones, fear that they are going to wreck their kids with the way they raise them.
It’s normal to feel scared because you think you don’t have the background to learn from and so, it’s quite like you’re navigating an uncharted territory. But don’t worry too much about every little thing that you do because no matter how mindful you are, how gentle you are or even how attached you are, we’re still humans.
Kids taking on marks of their handlers.
Being parents doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have flaws. We’re still humans and we make mistakes. Mitch Albom once said that young people being pristine clean glass takes on the markings of its handlers.
At home, I have a glass coffee table top but it was separate from the base and so we'd have to pick it up and move it. And once every couple of weeks when it gets cleaned, it’s beautiful. As life went on, and we put cups on it, and the dogs went by it and everything else, there were scratches and smudges that we sometimes couldn't get out.
It never shattered but it definitely had markings from the fingerprint smudge or scratches from other things that were on it. So there were variations of those marks on the glass. Metaphorically, if you think about childhood the same way, kids are going to take on marks from us, from their teachers, and whomever they interact with as they grow.
Some people they’ll meet are going to be great and some will be inconsequential enough that they can be wiped out with a cloth though some may be permanent.
I think this is what parents are afraid of. They don’t want to shatter or break their kids beyond repair. But what parents should understand is that you’re not not going to damage them. You might leave smudges or scratches but they’re going to grow up and work it out on their own.
The fact that you’re already concerned about shattering them is a sign of your mindfulness. You already have that level of intention that keeps people from shattering the glass of their youth.
How we see our parents differently now.
I think it’s normal to see our parents in a different light when we get to a certain age, either in our adulthood or in our parenting journey, as compared to when we were younger.
Personally, back then, I put my mom on such a high pedestal. She became a widow at age 43 when I was still at a very young age. She was also a career woman who went back to work when my dad died. It was a new thing since none of my friends’ moms worked unless they were divorced and somehow, I realized that I had these rose-colored glasses viewing her as the toughest or strongest woman in the world.
Growing up and maturing, I learned that some of my perceptions were direct results of her treatment towards me. For me, that is the end of the spectrum where many of us probably fall under because it’s where the humans or in this case, parents do the best they can with what they have and what they know.
However, sometimes, that isn’t always the best for us. Parenting nowadays involves emotional management and co-regulation which were not entirely essentials when I was young. No one ever taught me how to manage my emotions. And now that I myself am a parent, I tried my best to learn how to emotionally regulate my own self in order to pass that on to my kids.
I’m not putting the blame on my mom though. She did her part as a mother who was unaware of these things. In fact, I remember seeing books on her bedside table once about grief, and adult children of alcoholics.
That’s already some sort of acknowledgment that something’s going on because both my parents were in an alcoholic substance abusive relationship. Although, the good thing now is that we're more aware of those smudges, scratches and fingerprints that we get from our parents during childhood.
Learning to make peace with your parents.
As we grow older and we become parents, we get to understand our parents better and how or why they acted the way they do when we were younger.
The end of the spectrum is where you realize that your parents are still humans and you have to make peace with that. Sometimes, you just have to go through the stages of life. You get to experience grief or joy. And sometimes, you get to confront your parents about your relationship with them. However, sometimes, you don’t really get the satisfaction of reconciling with them or even just talking things through.
The spectrum of toxic relationships.
The other end of the spectrum is where toxic relationships lie. It is where we learn that as a child, you had no proper attachment relationships because of many possible factors.
Maybe your parents had substance abuse issues or they were dealing with their own trauma. Maybe they were struggling with their mental health. As an adult, that’s when we realize that some events in our life contributed to the difficulties we’re experiencing, especially in our relationships with other people.
But it can still be managed. There’s still hope for us. We don’t have to let resentment eat us up. Our parents did what they did because that’s all they knew at the time. We’ll work on ourselves as adults and we’ll be better so our kids will be better as well.
There is something that can be done.
My goal is to leave you with the idea that there is something that can be done. The first thing to do in achieving this is to determine what you want out of a situation.
Your childhood plays a detrimental role in your parenting skills towards your children. So it’s necessary to determine what it is that you want. Think about whether or not you want you or your kids to have a relationship with your parents and how you want that relationship to look.
Tuning into your own needs, wants and feelings.
The marks, smudges, and scratches that we carry are what make us human and they’re what will make us know how to really care for ourselves. That’s why it’s important for us to tune into our own needs, wants and feelings.
Ask yourselves what you want to do now or what you want from a relationship. How should you set the boundaries? How will you react and behave if you get into a relationship? Be realistic when answering the questions you ask yourselves. Focus on what is available to you now instead of thinking about what you didn’t have back then.
The power of relationships is in the repair.
There is surely a lot of internal work that must be done and it starts with acknowledging the fact that everybody’s human. As humans, we’re not perfect; we have flaws and we’ll mess up from time to time.
To be a better parent, one must keep in mind that the power of relationships is in the repair. Rather than trying to prevent yourself from messing up or trying to be perfect, put your energy towards apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions.
It also helps to work your issues out either with a professional or if it’s easier for you, with your partner. Surely, your partner has their own story to share and bring to the table.
You can learn more about how attachment and triggers affect you on another episode I’ve done. They’re going to be helpful especially if you’re still in the initial parts of such a journey.
Remember that we’re all human and we’re all just doing the best we can with the information and the resources we have at the time. What parenting is is who we are and how we show up in the world.
Links:
Connect with Cristie: Reinvention Mom Website
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