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Navigating High Conflict Relationships: Your Questions Answered
In this ask-and-answer episode of It's All Your Fault, hosts Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter from the High Conflict Institute tackle three key listener questions about managing challenging relationships and dealing with high conflict personalities.
First Question: "What do you suggest for someone who realizes they have a high conflict personality?" Bill and Megan explore self-awareness as the crucial first step toward positive change, offering practical steps for self-improvement and resources available through the High Conflict Institute.
Second Question: From a professional helping a client whose "ex-wife is creating chaos with false allegations." The hosts address this challenging custody situation, offering practical advice for self-represented individuals in family court. Bill shares specific strategies for organizing and presenting evidence effectively.
Third Question: Dealing with an adult brother who moved back in with elderly parents, leading to family rifts and restraining orders. Bill and Megan discuss the concept of "negative advocates" and provide strategies for maintaining relationships when family members take sides in conflicts.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What resources help someone identify and address their own high conflict behaviors?How can someone self-representing handle false allegations in family court?What strategies work when dealing with negative advocates in family conflicts?How can you support an elderly parent struggling with family conflict?What approaches help maintain relationships during family disputes?Key Takeaways:
Self-awareness is the first step in addressing high conflict behaviorsFocus on three main patterns when presenting evidence in courtMaintain gentle, friendly communication with family members who've taken sidesProfessional local support is crucial for specific situation guidanceUnderstanding negative advocacy helps navigate family conflictsThis episode provides practical guidance for anyone dealing with high conflict relationships, whether personally experiencing these behaviors or managing them in others. Bill and Megan offer actionable advice while maintaining sensitivity toward complex family dynamics.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSIt’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for EverythingSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderCOURSESNew Ways for Families Course + Coaching for Co-ParentsConflict Influencer Class (for everyone)PROFESSIONAL TRAININGNew Ways for Families TrainingOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior. Nor are we providing legal of therapeutic advice. Please seek the assistance of your local professionals to seek help.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:37) - More Listener Questions(02:27) - Question #1: When You Realize It’s You(13:44) - Question #2: When They’re Making Allegations(19:26) - Question #3: When It Hurts Older Family Members(31:26) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: In the WorkplaceLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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Tackling Listener Questions on High Conflict Personalities in Family Law
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter address questions from two listeners about high conflict personalities in family law. They dive into the complexities of parental alienation, domestic violence allegations, and when to stop fighting in court.
Listener Question 1: Understanding Parental Alienation and Estrangement
The first listener asks about the confusion surrounding parental alienation. Bill defines key terms: "refuse and resist," parental alienation, and realistic estrangement. He explains the differences between alienation caused by one parent's behavior and estrangement resulting from a parent's own actions, such as domestic violence or child abuse.
Listener Question 2: When to Stop Fighting in Court
The second listener, from Australia, asks when to give up the fight with a high conflict ex-partner who continues to violate court orders. Bill and Megan address the issue of "legal abuse" and the limitations of the court system in handling these situations effectively.
Questions We Answer in This Episode:
What is the difference between parental alienation and realistic estrangement?How common are false allegations of abuse in family court?When should you stop fighting in court with a high conflict ex-partner?Key Takeaways:
Consider all possibilities in each case without presumptions.Parental alienation and domestic violence both exist and require careful assessment.Fighting in court for more than two years may be counterproductive.Obtain transcripts of court hearings to address false statements or bad decisions.This episode provides valuable insights for anyone navigating high conflict personalities in family law. Bill and Megan offer a balanced perspective, emphasizing the need for an open mind and case-by-case analysis.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSDon’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict DivorceThe High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival GuideCOURSESNew Ways for Families Course + Coaching for Co-ParentsConflict Influencer ClassOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior. Nor are we providing legal of therapeutic advice. Please seek the assistance of your local professionals to seek help.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:36) - Listener Questions(01:18) - Question 1: Parental Alienation(22:56) - Question 2: When to Give In(31:39) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: More Listener QuestionsLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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Paranoid High Conflict Personalities: Navigating Mistrust and Suspicion
In the final episode of their "Five Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, Bill and Megan explore the world of paranoid high conflict personalities. They offer insights on identifying and managing these challenging relationships, explaining that individuals with paranoid traits exhibit pervasive mistrust and suspicion, often believing others are conspiring against them.
Bill and Megan provide strategies for dealing with paranoid high conflict personalities, such as clear communication, setting boundaries, and seeking support. They also discuss the impact of technology and social media on paranoid thinking.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What are the key characteristics of paranoid high conflict personalities?How can you manage relationships with these individuals?What resources are available for those dealing with paranoid high conflict personalities?Key Takeaways:
Paranoid high conflict personalities are characterized by pervasive mistrust and suspicion.Clear communication and boundary-setting are crucial in managing these relationships.Seek support and resources when dealing with paranoid high conflict personalities.As the conclusion to the "Five Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, this episode empowers listeners to navigate challenging interactions with paranoid high conflict personalities, providing practical strategies and a deeper understanding of this personality type.
Links & Other Notes
Bill’s guest spot on Dr. Andrew Huberman’s “Huberman Lab” podcastBOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeIt's All Your Fault!ARTICLESLiving With Suspicion: Paranoid High Conflict PeopleCompassion for High Conflict PeopleCLASSESConflict InfluencerOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:46) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Paranoid(01:22) - Bill's Guest Appearance(06:17) - Paranoid HCPs(10:09) - In a Romantic Relationship(12:05) - Stats(14:43) - Mistrust(16:32) - Targets of Blame(20:23) - Targeting(26:24) - What Can You Do(31:16) - Example(36:15) - Wrap Up(36:39) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Asked and AnsweredLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Series: Histrionic High Conflict Personalities
In this installment of "The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, Megan and Bill explore the world of histrionic high conflict personalities. They discuss the key characteristics of histrionics, including exaggerated emotions, a constant need for attention, and a tendency to misjudge relationships.
Surprisingly, despite cultural stereotypes, research shows histrionic personality disorder is equally common in men and women. Bill and Megan also delve into how social media and influencer culture can feed histrionic tendencies, while emphasizing that having some traits doesn't necessarily indicate a disorder.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What defines a histrionic personality?Is histrionic personality disorder more common in men or women?How can you deal with exhausting histrionic behavior?Key Takeaways:
Histrionic personalities are characterized by drama and a need for attention.Histrionic personality disorder involves a pattern of blaming others.Setting clear boundaries is crucial when dealing with histrionic behavior.Whether you have a histrionic person in your life or want to learn more about high conflict personalities, this episode offers valuable insights and practical strategies for navigating these challenging dynamics.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeIt's All Your Fault!ARTICLESDealing with Drama: Histrionic High Conflict PeopleLiving with High-Conflict People Series: Do’s and Don’ts for living with a Histrionic High-Conflict PersonOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:38) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Histrionic(01:30) - What Is Histrionic?(08:33) - Misjudgment of Relationships(11:14) - Drawing Others In(13:16) - In Daily Life(15:34) - Frequency(19:11) - Men and Women(23:28) - Ancient Histrionic Personalities and Influencers(27:53) - Skills to Relieve Exhaustion(30:03) - Negative Advocates(31:18) - Lying and Exaggeration(32:33) - Paul McCartney(35:14) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Paranoid PersonalitiesLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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Navigating Narcissistic High Conflict Personalities
In this revealing episode of "It's All Your Fault," part of the Five Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life series, Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy explore the world of narcissistic high conflict personalities. They delve into the key traits of narcissists, the distinction between grandiose and vulnerable narcissists, and the potential connection between narcissistic personalities and domestic violence.
Recognizing Narcissistic High Conflict Personalities
Bill and Megan outline the defining characteristics of narcissistic high conflict personalities, such as their incessant need to feel superior, their sense of entitlement, and their lack of empathy. They explain how these individuals often exploit and mistreat others to preserve their grandiose self-image and how they respond when confronted with perceived challenges to their superiority.
The Two Faces of Narcissism: Grandiose vs. Vulnerable
Not all narcissists are alike. Bill and Megan explore the contrasts between grandiose and vulnerable narcissists. Grandiose narcissists tend to be more calculated and predatory in their actions, while vulnerable narcissists are generally more reactive and emotionally unstable. Grasping these nuances can be essential in recognizing and handling high conflict personalities.
Narcissism in Various Contexts
Narcissistic personalities can be encountered in various aspects of life, but some fields and occupations appear to draw them more than others. Bill and Megan discuss the prevalence of narcissists in healthcare, higher education, and the tech industry, and how these individuals can foster toxic work environments and strained relationships.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What defines narcissistic high conflict personalities?How do grandiose and vulnerable narcissists differ in their conduct?Which fields and occupations are more likely to attract narcissistic personalities?Is there a link between narcissism and domestic violence?How can you identify and cope with a narcissistic high conflict personality?Key Takeaways:
Narcissistic high conflict personalities constantly strive to feel superior and entitled.They often lack empathy and manipulate others to uphold their inflated self-image.Grandiose narcissists are more calculated, while vulnerable narcissists are more reactive.Some fields, like healthcare and higher education, may attract more narcissists.Recognizing the differences between narcissistic personalities can aid in identifying and managing them.This episode offers valuable insights into the intricate realm of narcissistic high conflict personalities. Whether you're navigating a relationship with a narcissist in your personal life or at work, Bill and Megan's expertise and practical guidance can help you manage these challenging interactions and safeguard your well-being.
Links & Other Notes
COURSESConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsHandling Family Law Cases Involving Narcissistic High Conflict PeopleBOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeDating RadarSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderARTICLESDomestic Violence vs. High Conflict Families: Are one or two people driving the conflict?Narcissists As LeadersLiving with High Conflict People Series: Do’s and Don’ts for Living with a Narcissist High Conflict PersonNarcissists as Leaders: Good or Bad for Your Organization?DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELPNational Domestic Violence Hotline800.799.SAFE (7233) USAServices AustraliaFamily Violence Resources CanadaOTHER COUNTRIES: do an online search for “domestic violence in ___ (your country or city’s name)”OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:38) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Part 6(01:18) - Narcissistic HCPs(02:48) - Social Impairment and/or Internal Distress(04:55) - See Themselves as Superior(12:02) - Feeling Entitled to Special Treatment(13:16) - Lacking Empathy(21:12) - Stats(24:06) - The Two Types(27:17) - Lying(29:41) - Apologizing(33:02) - Domestic Violence(35:11) - Stalking(36:01) - Letting Go of Relationships(40:12) - Signs If It’s Your Partner(44:11) - Steps to Take(46:30) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: A Special GuestLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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Megan Answers Your Questions About High Conflict Personalities
In this special "Asked and Answered" episode of It's All Your Fault, Megan Hunter flies solo to address listener questions about dealing with high conflict personalities. She shares expert insights to help listeners navigate challenging relationships, from understanding and overcoming high conflict behaviors to minimizing damage in high conflict co-parenting situations. She also advises on navigating borderline personality disorder in relationships and the challenges of blending families and building bonds.
Questions we answer in this episode:
How can I change my high conflict behaviors?What should I do to minimize damage to my child when co-parenting with a high conflict person?How do I inform someone they have borderline personality disorder?How can I navigate the challenges of blending families and building bonds?Key Takeaways:
Self-awareness is crucial in recognizing and changing high conflict behaviors.Seek professional help, such as therapy or coaching, to work on emotion regulation and flexible thinking.Avoid informing someone they have a personality disorder, as this can escalate conflict.Focus on self-improvement and role modeling healthy behaviors for children.Building trust and bonds in blended families takes time and patience.This episode offers invaluable insights and practical advice for anyone struggling with high conflict personalities in their lives. Megan's expert perspective and compassionate approach provide listeners with the tools and resources they need to navigate challenging relationships and work towards positive change.
Links & Other Notes
COURSES FOR HELPING FAMILIES IN HIGH-CONFLICT SITUATIONSFor co-parenting: New Ways for Families®(online self-paced class or take with a coach)For families who want to stay together: New Ways for Families®—TogetherBOOKSThe Big Book on Borderline Personality Disorder(also available on Amazon or wherever books are sold)The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner (also available on Amazon or wherever books are sold)ORGANIZATIONS WHO HELPNEA-BPDHope for BPDEmotions MatterDialectical Behavior Therapy Therapist ListingStepfamily SolutionsCheck out Huberman Lab podcast! Bill’s guest appearance goes live October 28thOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing general patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:41) - Asked and Answered(02:42) - Question #1(10:00) - Question #2(18:04) - Question #3(23:09) - Question #4(28:23) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Co-Parenting By DesignLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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Domestic Violence: A Closer Look from the Perspective of Law Enforcement
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan are joined by special guest Nick Hartbauer, a law enforcement officer with 16 years of experience, to discuss domestic violence calls and how understanding high conflict personalities can help victims and law enforcement navigate these challenging situations more effectively.
Identifying High Conflict Personalities in Domestic Violence Calls
Nick shares his journey of discovering the concept of high conflict personalities through Bill's books and how this knowledge has transformed his approach to handling domestic violence calls. He explains how recognizing patterns of unmanaged emotions, all-or-nothing thinking, and blaming others has helped him identify high conflict individuals and better support victims.
Empowering Victims Through Understanding
One of the most significant insights Nick gained from learning about high conflict personalities is the importance of helping victims understand that their abusive partner is unlikely to change. By sharing this knowledge with victims, Nick has empowered many to leave abusive relationships and move forward with their lives.
Navigating Domestic Violence Calls: Strategies and Observations
Nick walks listeners through the process of responding to both low-risk and high-risk domestic violence calls, highlighting the importance of separating the parties involved and listening for signs of high conflict behavior, such as lying, manipulation, and lack of responsibility. He also shares how he assesses the situation to determine who the true victim is in each case.
Questions we answer in this episode:
How can understanding high conflict personalities help law enforcement handle domestic violence calls more effectively?What are some signs that a person involved in a domestic violence call may have a high conflict personality?How can law enforcement officers empower victims of domestic violence?What strategies do law enforcement officers use to navigate domestic violence calls and determine who the true victim is?How common is it for the suspect in a domestic violence call to lie or manipulate the situation?Key Takeaways:
Recognizing patterns of high conflict behavior can help law enforcement better support victims of domestic violence.Helping victims understand that their abusive partner is unlikely to change can empower them to leave the relationship.Separating the parties involved in a domestic violence call is crucial for gathering accurate information.Law enforcement officers must listen carefully for signs of lying, manipulation, and lack of responsibility to determine who the true victim is.While not all suspects lie, many will attempt to manipulate the situation or blame the victim entirely.This episode provides invaluable insights into the complexities of domestic violence calls and how understanding high conflict personalities can make a significant difference in the lives of victims. By sharing his expertise and experiences, Nick Hartbauer offers listeners a unique perspective on the challenges law enforcement faces and the strategies they employ to navigate these difficult situations effectively.
About Nick
Nick Hartbauer has been in Law Enforcement for 16 years. He began his career working in a detention center and quickly transitioned to a Patrol position. During his time in law enforcement, Nick served as an Operator on his agency's Emergency Response Team (aka S.W.A.T) and was trained as a sniper. He also spent five years as a Narcotics Detective, working undercover investigations at both the local and federal levels. During this time, Nick assisted in an FBI investigation involving political corruption where corrupt law enforcement officers were assisting drug cartels.
In addition to his investigative work, Nick served as a training officer on Patrol and during his time as a Narcotics Detective. He was also an instructor for his agency's undercover school. Nick spent time on the Impact team for his agency, conducting uniformed property crime investigations, and briefly assisted the Property Crimes Detectives.
In recent years, Nick has focused on victims' crimes while working on patrol, with a particular emphasis on domestic violence investigations. He developed a passion for this area of work as he learned more about the High Conflict Personality Theory from the High Conflict Institute. Nick has incorporated the knowledge gained from the High Conflict Institute into his investigations and training of new officers.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderDating RadarCalming Upset People with EARCOURSESConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsStrategies for Helping Clients with Borderline Personalities in DivorceHandling Family Law Cases Involving Antisocial High Conflict PeopleARTICLESA Method for Managing Police-Community RelationsDomestic Violence vs. High Conflict Families: Are one or two people driving the conflict?Domestic Violence and Personality Disorders: What’s the Connection?How Effective are Restraining Orders with an HCP?Living with High-Conflict People: Do’s and Don’ts for Living with an Antisocial High Conflict PeopleDifferences in Dealing with Borderline, Narcissistic and Antisocial Clients in Family LawUnderstanding Borderline Personality Disorder in Family Law CasesOUR WEBSITEhttps://www.highconflictinstitute.com/QUESTIONSSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in ... -
The Intersection of High Conflict Personalities and Domestic Violence
In this compelling episode, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter dive into the complex relationship between high conflict personalities and domestic violence. They explore how individuals who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) may contribute to intimate partner violence (IPV), while emphasizing the importance of distinguishing between high conflict families and domestic violence cases.
Bill and Megan discuss the challenges faced by professionals in identifying the true perpetrator in a domestic violence situation, as well as the underlying fears and motivations that may drive abusive behavior in individuals with these personality types. They also address the issue of accountability and the potential benefits of group therapy for individuals who have BPD.
Questions we answer in this episode:
How do high conflict personalities relate to domestic violence?What role do individuals who have BPD and ASPD play in intimate partner violence?What are effective interventions for perpetrators of domestic violence?Key Takeaways:
Distinguishing between high conflict families and domestic violence cases is crucial.Individuals who have BPD and ASPD have a higher incidence of IPV perpetration.Setting limits and imposing consequences are essential for holding perpetrators accountable.This episode offers valuable insights into the complexities of domestic violence and high conflict personalities, making it a must-listen for anyone navigating these challenges.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderOur New World of Adult BulliesDating RadarCalming Upset People with EARHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesCOURSESConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsStrategies for Helping Clients with Borderline Personalities in DivorceHandling Family Law Cases Involving Antisocial High Conflict PeopleARTICLESDomestic Violence vs. High Conflict Families: Are one or two people driving the conflict?Domestic Violence and Personality Disorders: What’s the Connection?Living with High-Conflict People: Do’s and Don’ts for Living with an Antisocial High Conflict PeopleDifferences in Dealing with Borderline, Narcissistic and Antisocial Clients in Family LawWhy I Wrote SplittingUnderstanding Borderline Personality Disorder in Family Law CasesOUR WEBSITEhttps://www.highconflictinstitute.com/QUESTIONSSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:38) - The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Part 4(01:26) - Domestic Violence and HCPs(03:49) - Bill’s Background(06:48) - Stats(09:23) - Anti-Social(14:38) - Verbally Abusive(16:42) - Accountability(18:53) - Disruptive(20:21) - When Law Enforcement’s Involved(23:13) - Borderline Personality(27:17) - More Reactive(28:18) - Remorse(29:41) - Can't Control Themselves(31:06) - Generalizations(31:38) - When in One of These Relationships(36:09) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Law Enforcement GuestLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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The Love You Hate You Types - High Conflict Borderline Personalities
In this episode of "It's All Your Fault," Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter explore the world of high conflict borderline personality types, also known as the "Love You Hate You" types. They provide insights and strategies for dealing with these challenging individuals who can quickly turn from charming to rage-filled.
Understanding the High Conflict Borderline Personality
Bill and Megan discuss the defining characteristics of individuals with high conflict borderline personality, including their struggle with emotional regulation and tendency to see people in all-or-nothing terms. They note that while not all individuals with borderline personality disorder have a high conflict personality, more than half of them do, making it a significant concern in interpersonal relationships.
Navigating Relationships and Key Takeaways
The hosts provide examples of how high conflict borderline personalities may behave in various settings and discuss the concept of "splitting" and the propensity for lying and seeking revenge. They offer key takeaways, such as setting boundaries and the possibility of treatment and recovery for those affected.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What are the defining characteristics of high conflict borderline personalities?How prevalent is borderline personality disorder, and what percentage also have a high conflict personality?Why do high conflict borderline personalities often engage in lying and seeking revenge?Key Takeaways:
High conflict borderline personalities often struggle with emotional regulation and see people in all-or-nothing terms.Lying and seeking revenge are common behaviors stemming from a fear of abandonment.Treatment and recovery are possible for individuals with high conflict borderline personality disorder.This episode provides valuable information and insights for anyone dealing with a high conflict borderline personality in their life, offering strategies for managing these challenging relationships and maintaining well-being.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderCalming Upset People with EARDating RadarHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesCOURSESStrategies for Helping Clients with Borderline Personalities in DivorceConflict Influencer™ ClassARTICLESDifferences in Dealing with Borderline, Narcissistic and Antisocial Clients in Family LawLiving with High-Conflict People: Do’s and Don’ts for Living with a Borderline High Conflict PersonWhy I Wrote SplittingUnderstanding Borderline Personality Disorder in Family Law Cases7 Tips for Working with Clients with Borderline Personality DisorderLiving on the Edge: Borderline High Conflict PeopleCan High-Conflict People Change?OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:37) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Part 3(01:10) - Borderline Personality (07:39) - What does the term mean?(08:50) - Looking for Connection(10:42) - Statistics(14:03) - High Sensitivity(16:26) - Splitting(18:22) - Lying(22:01) - Apologizing(24:47) - Why Vindictive?(28:46) - Finding Success(32:51) - Empathy(35:08) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Domestic ViolenceLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Series: Unmasking the Cruel Con Artist
In the second episode of the "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, Bill and Megan focus on one of the most challenging and dangerous high conflict personality types: those with antisocial personality traits, also known as cruel con artists. They explore what defines this personality type, how to identify the red flags, and most importantly, what you can do to protect yourself from their manipulative tactics.
Bill and Megan start by discussing the key characteristics of people with antisocial personality traits, including their lack of empathy, remorse, and their tendency to lie and deceive without hesitation. They note that while not all individuals with antisocial traits are violent criminals, many engage in secretive behaviors that can be extremely harmful to those close to them.
One of the main challenges with those who have antisocial personality traits is their ability to charm and manipulate others. Bill and Megan emphasize the importance of looking beyond surface-level charm and conducting thorough background checks when entering into any significant relationship, whether personal or professional.
They also discuss the confusion and self-doubt that often arise when dealing with someone who has antisocial personality traits. Megan shares a personal experience of feeling confused and questioning her own perceptions when interacting with someone who exhibited these traits.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What are the key characteristics of someone with antisocial personality traits?How can you identify if someone you know might have antisocial personality traits?What are some common manipulative tactics used by people with antisocial personality traits?How can you protect yourself from being conned or harmed by someone with antisocial personality traits?What should you do if you suspect you're in a relationship with someone who has antisocial personality traits?Key Takeaways:
People with antisocial personality traits lack empathy, remorse, and frequently lie and deceive others.Charm and manipulation are common traits, making it essential to look beyond surface-level impressions.Background checks and seeking input from others who know the person are crucial when entering significant relationships.Trust your gut feelings if something seems "off" or too good to be true.Prioritize self-protection and set clear boundaries when dealing with individuals suspected of having antisocial personality traits.This episode provides invaluable insights into the complex and often dangerous world of those with antisocial personality traits. As part of the "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" series, it helps listeners understand the unique challenges posed by this specific high conflict personality type. By recognizing the red flags, common manipulative tactics, and the importance of self-protection, listeners will be better equipped to navigate relationships with these individuals. Bill and Megan's expertise and practical advice make this a must-listen for anyone looking to safeguard themselves and their loved ones from the devastating impact of cruel con artists.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeDating RadarHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesIt's All Your Fault!Managing High Conflict People in CourtCOURSESHandling Family Law Cases Involving Antisocial High Conflict PeopleCONSULTATIONSConsultation with Bill or MeganARTICLESLiving with High-Conflict People: Do’s and Don’ts for Living with an Antisocial High Conflict PeopleThe Sociopath: Antisocial High Conflict PeopleSociopaths and Their DeceptionsManipulators in Plain Sight: Spotting Antisocial Personality DisorderOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:35) - The Antisocial Type(01:08) - The Problem(06:06) - Antisocial, Sociopath, and Psychopath(08:00) - Categories of Behavior(11:50) - Impact on Others(13:05) - Generally the Worst(14:40) - Against Society's Rules(17:59) - Counseling(19:48) - Identifying(27:06) - What You Can Do(30:46) - Saying Something(32:53) - Bit of Wisdom(35:21) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Borderline Personality TypesLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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Introducing the 5 Types of High Conflict Personalities: Who Can Ruin Your Life? (Part 1)
In this thought-provoking first episode of a new series on It's All Your Fault, Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy, co-founders of the High Conflict Institute, embark on an exploration of the five types of high conflict personalities who can wreak havoc in your life. Drawing from Bill's book "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life," they provide a broad overview of these challenging personalities, setting the stage for a deeper dive into each type in upcoming episodes.
Understanding High Conflict Personalities
Bill and Megan illuminate the perplexing nature of high conflict personalities, emphasizing that these individuals often lack self-awareness and may not even realize the impact of their behavior on others. They stress the importance of recognizing patterns of behavior rather than focusing on isolated incidents, as high conflict personalities tend to exhibit consistent patterns of blame-shifting, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviors.Navigating Relationships with High Conflict Individuals
Throughout the episode, Bill and Megan offer practical strategies for navigating relationships with high conflict personalities. They caution against common pitfalls, such as attempting to provide insight into the person's behavior or engaging in emotional arguments. Instead, they recommend focusing on the present, offering choices, and using the CARS method (Connect, Analyze, Respond, Set Limits) to de-escalate conflicts and maintain healthy boundaries.Questions we answer in this episode:
Who are the five types of high conflict personalities that can ruin your life?What are the defining characteristics of a high conflict personality?How can I recognize patterns of high conflict behavior?What are the common mistakes to avoid when dealing with high conflict individuals?What can I expect from the upcoming episodes in this series?Key Takeaways:
The five types of high conflict personalities can have a profound negative impact on your life if left unchecked.High conflict personalities often lack self-awareness and may not realize the impact of their behavior on others.Recognizing patterns of behavior is crucial when dealing with high conflict individuals.Avoid trying to provide insight, engaging in emotional arguments, focusing on the past, or labeling the person.Stay tuned for upcoming episodes that will explore each of the five types in greater depth, providing targeted strategies for managing these specific personalities.Whether you're dealing with a high conflict partner, family member, coworker, or friend, this episode sets the foundation for understanding and managing these challenging relationships. By introducing the five types of high conflict personalities and providing a broad overview of strategies for dealing with them, Bill and Megan offer listeners a roadmap for the upcoming series, which promises to deliver invaluable insights and tools for navigating life's most difficult interpersonal dynamics.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeARTICLESWho Are High-Conflict People?The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeFive Types of High-Conflict Personalities And their targets of blame—and sometimes violence.Anybody You Know? Predictable Characteristics of High Conflict PeopleCOURSESCourses for professional trainingCourses for individualsConflict Influencer Class (live virtual)OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:35) - 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life(01:14) - Creating Awareness(05:54) - Starting to See It Differently(12:09) - Key Characteristics(21:35) - Options(22:40) - Four Forget-About-Its(26:03) - Four Things to Do(29:02) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Narcissistic High Conflict PeopleLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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Joe Rogan and Dr. Andrew Huberman Discuss "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life"
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan discuss a recent Joe Rogan Experience podcast episode featuring Dr. Andrew Huberman. The episode, number 2195, focuses on Bill's book, "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life," and delves into the topic of high conflict personalities and how they impact our lives.
The High Conflict Personality: Understanding the 10%
Bill and Megan explore the concept of high conflict personalities, which make up approximately 10% of the population. These individuals thrive on drama and conflict, and their behavior is evenly divided between men and women. The hosts break down the different types of high conflict personalities, including borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders.Detecting Lies and Manipulation: A Challenging Task
One of the key points discussed in the episode is the difficulty in detecting lies and manipulation, even for trained professionals. Bill emphasizes the importance of being humble about our limitations and consulting experts when necessary. He also notes that changes in a person's behavior can be a potential red flag for lying or dangerous behavior.Gender Differences in High Conflict Personalities
Bill and Megan delve into the gender differences among high conflict personalities, noting that while some personality disorders, such as narcissistic and antisocial, are more prevalent in men, others, like borderline and histrionic, are evenly distributed between men and women. They also discuss the built-in biases and stereotypes surrounding these personality types.Questions we answer in this episode:
What are high conflict personalities, and how prevalent are they?How can we detect lies and manipulation?Are there gender differences in high conflict personalities?What role does trauma play in the development of antisocial personality disorder?Key Takeaways:
High conflict personalities make up approximately 10% of the populationDetecting lies and manipulation is challenging, even for trained professionalsBorderline and histrionic personality disorders are evenly distributed between men and womenTrauma can contribute to the development of antisocial personality disorder, but it is not the only factorThis episode provides invaluable insights into high conflict personalities and how they impact our lives. By understanding the different types of high conflict personalities and their prevalence, listeners can better navigate difficult relationships and protect themselves from manipulation and harm.
Links & Other Notes
JOE ROGAN PODCAST FEATURING ANDREW HUBERMAN Joe Rogan Experience #2195 - Andrew HubermanAndrew Huberman websiteBOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeARTICLESNew Ways: training for professionals mediators; workplace leaders; workplace coaches; and divorce coaches and counselors.OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(01:38) - Joe and Andrew(02:37) - Lying(09:30) - Manipulation(13:14) - Threat Sensing(17:40) - Conflict and Drama(28:51) - Protocols(33:56) - Spidey Senses(34:38) - Bill’s Book(35:15) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Five Types of People that can Ruin Your LifeLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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Navigating High Conflict Relationships
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan from the High Conflict Institute tackle two listeners' questions about managing challenging relationships with high conflict personalities (HCPs). They provide insights and strategies for setting boundaries, managing expectations, and maintaining a healthy connection.
Understanding High Conflict Personalities
Bill and Megan discuss how high conflict personalities can be found across all levels of intelligence and occupations. They emphasize the importance of recognizing the range of human behavior and focusing on learning how to respond effectively to high conflict situations.Balancing Closeness and Distance
The hosts explore strategies for navigating relationships with high conflict individuals, such as timing interactions carefully, managing expectations, and maintaining an arm's length relationship. They also suggest seeking support from a counselor who can provide personalized advice.Questions we answer in this episode:
How do I handle my elderly mother's high conflict behavior and maintain a relationship with her?Do HCPs understand the gravity of their language during high conflict moments, and do they remember or care afterward?Key Takeaways:
Setting limits and maintaining an arm's length relationship can minimize emotional rollercoasters.Finding a balance between closeness and distance is crucial in high conflict relationships.This episode provides valuable insights and practical strategies for anyone navigating a relationship with a high conflict personality. Listeners can learn to manage challenging relationships more effectively while maintaining their own emotional well-being.
Got an elderly parent whose high conflict behavior makes visits a minefield? Or a sibling who says awful things then reaches out like nothing happened? Bill & Megan tackle listeners' Qs on navigating these tricky relationships.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKS
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeCOURSES & CLASSES
Conflict Influencer: 6-week class starts September 5New Ways: training for professionals mediators; workplace leaders; workplace coaches; and divorce coaches and counselors.OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:35) - Listener Questions(06:29) - Question One(27:27) - Question Two(47:01) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict DivorceLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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In this insightful episode of "It's All Your Fault", Megan is joined by special guest Kevin Chafin, a licensed professional counselor from Kansas City, Missouri. With Bill away for the month, Megan and Kevin dive deep into the complexities of co-parenting, particularly when it comes to dealing with teenagers in high conflict situations. Together, they explore effective strategies for managing these challenging dynamics and provide valuable insights for parents navigating these difficult waters.
Understanding the Impact of Divorce on Teens
Megan and Kevin discuss how divorce can have a profound impact on teenagers, especially when it comes to their sense of security and emotional well-being. They emphasize the importance of parents providing a stable and supportive environment during this transformative period, even as the family system shifts from one household to two. Kevin shares his expertise on the developmental challenges that teens face during puberty and how these can be exacerbated by the stress of a family breakup.Avoiding the Pitfalls of Parentification
One of the key themes explored in this episode is the concept of parentification – when children, particularly teens, are put into the role of a parent. Megan and Kevin delve into how this can happen when parents become emotionally needy and look to their children for support and validation. They discuss the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries and not burdening teens with adult responsibilities or expecting them to choose sides in parental conflicts.Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting Communication
Megan and Kevin also share practical tips for improving communication between co-parents, drawing on their extensive experience working with families in high conflict situations. They highlight the value of using BIFF responses (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) to keep interactions focused and productive, even in the face of hostility or misinformation. Kevin also shares insights from his work as a mediator and counselor, emphasizing the importance of staying child-centered and avoiding loyalty demands.Questions we answer in this episode:
How does divorce impact teenagers differently than younger children?What are the signs that a child is being parentified?How can co-parents improve communication and reduce conflict?What strategies can parents use to support their teens during a family breakup?How can parents avoid putting their teens in the middle of adult conflicts?Key Takeaways:
Divorce can be especially challenging for teens due to the developmental changes of puberty.Parentification occurs when children are put into adult roles and expected to emotionally support their parents.Using BIFF responses can help keep co-parenting communication focused and productive.Parents should prioritize their child's emotional well-being and avoid loyalty demands.Seeking support from counselors or mediators can be valuable for high conflict situations.This episode offers a wealth of knowledge and practical strategies for parents navigating the challenges of co-parenting and raising teens in high conflict situations. With their combined expertise, Megan and Kevin provide a compassionate and informative perspective on these complex issues, offering hope and guidance for families struggling to find their way forward.
Links & Other Notes
AUTHOR WEBSITEKevin Chafin, LPCMissouri Chapter, Association of Family & Conciliation CourtsBOOKSBIFF for Co-parent CommunicationVIDEOBIFF videoOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:39) - Kevin Chafin and Co-Parenting(01:22) - Meet Kevin(09:26) - The Learning Mind of a Child(24:04) - Parentification(35:25) - Clarity(50:01) - Listen(50:52) - Wrap Up(51:11) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Co-Parenting By DesignLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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Navigating the Challenges of Co-Parenting: Insights from Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner
In this episode of "It's All Your Fault," Megan is joined by two special guests, Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner, co-authors of the upcoming book Co-Parenting by Design: The Definitive Guide for Divorced or Separated Parents. Annette and Nicole, both experienced family law attorneys and parenting coordinators, share their insights on navigating the complexities of co-parenting and offer practical advice for parents facing high conflict situations.
Understanding the Role of Parenting Coordinators
Megan, Annette, and Nicole delve into the crucial role of parenting coordinators in helping divorced or separated parents resolve disputes and maintain focus on their children's best interests. They discuss how parenting coordinators act as referees, mediators, and educators, assisting parents in making decisions on issues such as parenting schedules, school choice, and healthcare.
Adapting to Change and Prioritizing Children's Needs
The guests emphasize the importance of adaptability in co-parenting, as children's needs and circumstances evolve over time. They highlight the challenges parents face when adjusting to new situations, such as remarriage, relocation, and changes in parenting time. Annette and Nicole stress the significance of prioritizing children's well-being and maintaining consistency in parenting approaches whenever possible.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What is a parenting coordinator, and how can they help divorced or separated parents?How can parents navigate changes in their children's lives and adapt their co-parenting strategies?What is parallel parenting, and when is it an appropriate approach?How can parents handle disagreements over parenting styles and household rules?What resources are available for parents struggling with high conflict co-parenting situations?Key Takeaways:
Parenting coordinators play a vital role in assisting divorced or separated parents in resolving disputes and focusing on their children's best interests.Adaptability is crucial in co-parenting as children's needs and circumstances change over time.Parallel parenting can be an effective approach for high conflict situations, but its implementation varies depending on the family's unique dynamics.Parents should strive for consistency in parenting approaches whenever possible while respecting each other's parenting time and decision-making authority.Seeking education, resources, and support from professionals can help parents navigate the challenges of high conflict co-parenting.This episode offers invaluable insights and practical advice for divorced or separated parents facing the challenges of co-parenting. By learning from the expertise of Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner, listeners can gain a deeper understanding of how to prioritize their children's well-being, adapt to change, and navigate high conflict situations. Co-Parenting by Design promises to be an essential resource for parents, lawyers, and judges alike, providing guidance and strategies for creating a healthier co-parenting dynamic.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSCo-parenting by Design: The Definitive Guide for Divorced or Separated Parents GUEST BIOSAnnette T. Burns, JDNicole Siqueiros-StoutnerOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:39) - Co-Parenting by Design(01:14) - Meet Annette and Nicole(04:14) - How It Came About(08:56) - Parenting Coordinators(12:58) - Agreements(16:53) - Different Rules(22:00) - Parallel Parenting(26:16) - Multiple Court Trips(30:31) - Alienation(39:42) - Advice on Family Law(44:16) - The Book(47:01) - Wrap Up(47:19) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Co-Parenting By DesignLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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In this solo episode, Megan Hunter dives into the world of high conflict personalities. With co-host Bill Eddy away, Megan takes the opportunity to answer listener questions and provide valuable insights on identifying and dealing with individuals who exhibit high conflict behaviors. Throughout the episode, she offers practical strategies for managing these challenging interactions and maintaining your own well-being.
Understanding the Five Types of High Conflict Personalities
Megan begins by explaining the five high conflict personality types: those who fear feeling inferior, abandoned, ignored, dominated, and paranoid. She emphasizes that while each type has unique traits, they all share a common pattern of behavior driven by fear. By understanding these underlying fears, listeners can develop more effective approaches to communicating and setting boundaries with high conflict individuals.Navigating Family Dynamics with High Conflict Personalities
One listener asks for guidance on dealing with a high conflict family member who acts as an "emotional bully." Megan advises using the EAR (Empathy, Attention, Respect) method to connect with the individual and help them regulate their emotions. However, she also stresses the importance of setting clear limits and imposing consequences when necessary to avoid being manipulated or bullied.Strategies for Professional Settings
Another listener, who works in public relations for a municipality, seeks advice on interacting with a high conflict council member. Megan recommends implementing a respectful meeting policy and using the CARS (Connecting, Analyzing options, Responding to misinformation, Setting limits) method. By employing these strategies consistently, staff and department heads can maintain a productive work environment while minimizing the impact of disruptive behavior.Coping with a High Conflict Adult Child
A listener shares their experience with a mid-30s daughter who exhibits high conflict behaviors consistent with borderline personality disorder. While Megan acknowledges the complexity and emotional challenges of such a situation, she offers hope by suggesting strategies to maintain a loving relationship while setting necessary boundaries. This includes focusing on one's own well-being, seeking support from professionals and support groups, and consistently applying the communication techniques discussed throughout the episode.Questions we answer in this episode:
What are the five types of high conflict personalities and how do they differ?How can I foster a connection with a high conflict individual without enabling their behavior?What strategies can I use to set boundaries with a high conflict family member?How should staff and department heads interact with a high conflict council member in a professional setting?Key Takeaways:
High conflict personalities are driven by underlying fears that shape their behavior patterns.The EAR method can help establish a connection and regulate emotions in high conflict situations.Setting clear limits and imposing consequences are crucial for preventing manipulation and bullying.The CARS method and respectful meeting policies are effective tools for managing high conflict individuals in professional settings.This episode offers invaluable insights for anyone struggling to navigate relationships with high conflict personalities. By understanding the root causes of their behavior and employing the strategies discussed, listeners can develop healthier, more productive interactions with these individuals. Megan's expertise and practical advice make this an essential listen for anyone seeking to improve their communication skills and maintain their well-being in challenging situations.
Links & Other Notes
“LIVE” CLASSES/COURSES
Conflict Influencer - 6-week “live” class taught by Megan Hunter (focuses on learning the simple and necessary high-conflict skills)Bullies SeriesBully Dynamics in Families - 4 classes in SeptemberBully Dynamics in Communities - 4 classes in OctoberBully Dynamics in the Workplace- 4 classes in NovemberBOOKS
The Big Book on Borderline Personality DisorderThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeCalming Upset People with EARARTICLES
Respectful Meeting PolicyOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:42) - Listener Questions<... -
This is a rebroadcast. This episode originally aired February 8, 2024. Visit our site to hear part two, or find it on your podcatcher.
Bill and Megan explore the complex issue of relationship violence, focusing on factors that may predict aggressive behaviors and how to identify potentially abusive relationships. In this first part of a two-part discussion, they examine relationship violence through the lens of adult intimate partner relationships. The second part will focus specifically on teen dating violence. Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What personality disorders or traits are associated with an increased risk for domestic violence?How can you spot early warning signs of a potentially abusive partner?What is coercive control and how does it relate to domestic violence?What happens in the brain when someone lacks impulse control?How can we avoid “jamming our own radar” in relationships?Key Takeaways:
Not everyone with a personality disorder will become abusive, but certain disorders like antisocial and borderline PD are risk factors.Pay attention to charm, immediate strong attachment, and “love bombing” as possible red flags when dating.Coercive control refers to non-physical ways an abuser maintains power, like isolation, verbal threats, financial control.Impulse control problems may stem from an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex or traumatic childhood experiences.Going through personal crises or having unrealistic relationship expectations can blind us to warning signs.In part one of this vital two-part discussion, Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on. Tune in to gain knowledge that could help you or someone you care about build healthy, safe relationships.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to “The One” Who Will Make Your Life Hellavailable in paperback, audio, and e-book anywhere books are sold. Here are a few places you can get it.Get it on High Conflict Institute siteOn Amazon USOn Amazon AustraliaOn Amazon CanadaDATING RADAR SURVEY RESULTSRead results from entire survey here (scroll and click on “Read Dating Radar Survey Results”)HOTLINEUS Domestic Violence HotlineUS Hotline #: 800-799-7233ARTICLESDating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New RelationshipPersonality Disorders and Intimate Partner ViolenceHIB PubMed article databaseDomestic Violence vs. High Conflict Families: Are one or two people driving the conflict?COURSESConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsMediation in Domestic Violence CasesLIVE LABLive Lab: 1:1 coaching sessions to learn to use BIFF Responses, EAR Statements, and to set limits
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(01:36) - Relationship Violence Part 1: Adults(03:52) - Survey Results(09:21) - What Jams Our Radar?(15:01) - Impulse Control(20:50) - Factors in Violent Tendencies(30:00) - Domestic Violence in Family Law(34:54) - How Do You Know You’re in a Domestic Violence Relationship?(36:50) - Coercive Controlling Violence(40:54) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship Violence Part 2: TeensLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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This is a rebroadcast. This episode originally aired February 1, 2024.
Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter tackle an important but tricky topic in this episode - how to set healthy boundaries with others when tensions run high. Whether it's a contentious divorce, difficult coworker, or suspected lies, Bill and Megan provide realistic examples and actionable advice to constructively handle high-conflict situations. Tune in to learn techniques to establish boundaries while remaining calm and keeping conflicts small. This episode delivers takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.
They provide tips across three common scenarios:
Co-parenting after divorce: Look to standards or common practices as a starting point. Focus on protecting the children and not discussing certain topics in front of them. You can only control your own behavior - walk away if tensions escalate.Workplace conflicts: Practice using the BIF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) method in emails or conversations. Don't engage in unnecessary battles - end conversations if needed.Suspected lies: Always consider three perspectives - it could be true, false, or somewhere in between. Don't react emotionally or you may become a target of blame. Reality test tactfully if needed.Bill and Megan stress practicing these techniques and finding simple but memorable phrases to use when setting boundaries. Their realistic examples and actionable advice provide takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.
Links & Other Notes
LIVE LAB: 1:1 coaching to learn skills (setting limits, BIFF Responses, CalmB4Think)ARTICLE: 12 Tips for Co-Parent Boundaries ARTICLE: Need to Set Limits With a High Conflict Person? Give ‘Em Your EARARTICLE: 4 Ways to Set Limits at WorkCOURSE: Conflict Influencer™ Certification Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(01:36) - Kicking Off Season Four(02:12) - Setting Limits in High Conflict Situations(03:01) - Co-Parenting(11:01) - The Work World(16:57) - Lying(27:30) - Wrapping Up(28:02) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship ViolenceLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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This is a rebroadcast. This episode originally aired August 3, 2023.
Some relationships with high conflict people reach a point where the only one getting frustrated and hurt is YOU.
It is okay to walk away? Are some relationships so damaging that staying in them is damaging to you? Will the guilt draw you back under their spell? Will it trigger abandonment, inferiority, or other issues in the person with a high conflict personality, and possibly backfire on you?
Bill and Megan discuss this tricky topic in relation to family, friend and other relationships. How do you know when the time is right? Should you continue trying to reconcile or just stop? And what steps should be taken if you choose to walk away? Listen in as Megan and Bill explore this sensitive, critical subject.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSIt’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame You for EverythingBIFF: Quick Responses for High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Emails and Social Media MeltdownsCalming Upset People with EARON DEMAND COURSESHow to Write a BIFF ResponseThe Brain 101: How to Communicate EffectivelyOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(02:26) - Walking Away(03:03) - When Can You Walk Away?(06:43) - When They're Part of Your Faith-Based Community(09:13) - Hitting the Point(12:31) - Things to Consider With the Five Types(18:23) - Think It Through(19:57) - When Really Emotionally Hooked(23:47) - Step by Step(25:04) - Setting LImits(26:02) - Last Thoughts(27:02) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: SplittingLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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This is a rebroadcast. This episode originally aired May 11, 2023.
The definition of a “win” is different in high conflict situations as opposed to ordinary conflict. Not recognizing that a win looks quite different can inadvertently escalate conflict or take a few steps backwards.
In today’s episode, Megan and Bill talk about:
defining what it means to “win” in high conflictdo you need to reach an expected outcome to have successtemptation to keep going when you should stopwhen do you know if you’ve wonchoosing your battlesavoid opening up emotions focusing on keeping people focused on thinking and doingLinks & Other Notes
BOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeCalming Upset People with EARIt’s All Your Fault!ARTICLESTips On Offering Mediation To A High Conflict EmployeeOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(03:18) - How to Avoid Sabotaging a Successful Interaction(04:26) - Definition of a Win in High Conflict Situations(07:03) - Choosing Your Battles(08:58) - Praise vs. Opening Up Emotions(11:18) - Making Progress, Not Perfection(14:05) - Fuhgedaboudits(19:34) - Blame as Indicator(22:23) - Coming Next Week: Exposure and Humiliation as a High-Conflict StrategyLearn more about our Conflict Influencer Class. Get started today!
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