Episódios
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Living through a traumatic childhood takes extraordinary survival skills. You shut down, act tough, dance around to make other people happy, even when it means losing yourself. Sometimes the pain of all you’ve been through doesn’t show up until after the trauma ends. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is reckoning with a lifetime of abuse that has now affected her children – and her emotional dysregulation with the first good partner she’s ever had.
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Most of us who have ever had a relationship have fallen love, and most of us have also had someone not love us back. But what if you’re with someone who WANTS to be with you and loves you, but they say they don’t feel IN LOVE with yoU? What does this mean? And is there ever hope that their feelings will change? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is torn by pleas from her boyfriend to stay with him, even though he's not in love with her. Could he be "aromantic?"
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Your Childhood PTSD symptoms have likely created a lifetime of problems in relationships -- choosing unavailable people, clinging to bad relationships or avoiding love altogether. But the reason you long for a real love -- a "great love" even -- is because you were born to love and be loved. How does a person move past the hurts of the past and learn, at last, to love?
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People who lived through trauma in childhood often develop an "avoidant" attachment style, which can be hard for their partners who may crave reassurance, commitment, and frequent expressions of affection that don't come easily to avoidants. In this 4-Video compilation, I share four of my most popular videos about being avoidant, dating an avoidant, when the avoidance is "too much" and how relationships can work when one partner is avoidant.
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Charming and powerful employers have a knack for tempting people who are desperate for a big break in their career. They can offer money, fame, and connections that you might never access again. But if the price is to operate a sexually charged and boundary-less environment, what is the real price of working for them? My letter today is from a woman whose longtime partner Sometimes the most creative, brilliant people are also the HARDEST to have in your life. They bring success, fame, money, and FUN into your life, and of COURSE it’s wonderful to have those things. But creative supernovas don’t always respect boundaries – and as a result, their FIERY-NESS can be the very thing that burns down everything in your life. So what do you do? My letter today is from a woman I’ll call VAL, who has been offered a complicated opportunity of a lifetime. And she writes:
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t’s common in our culture for people to sleep together almost as soon as they meet. And people act like that’s fun and easy, and only foolish people can’t handle it, or think it should be avoided, in favor of something better. So for people who grew up neglected and abused, there’s a contradiction – their attachment wound is crying for someone to love them and STAY and not leave, but the culture of casual sex tells them this is too much to expect. This doesn’t heal until you face it for real, so real love can grow. My letter today is from a woman a woman who has felt pressured to abandon herself and what she wants, so that she can have any tiny bit of affection she can.
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Trauma in childhood can leave with obvious problems, but also a subtle tendency to hide your authentic self, and to avoid reaching for big goals that are important to you. In this video I share common reasons why people who were abused in childhood will cope try to manage their vulnerability by playing small. I'll teach you strategies to gradually step forward and big "bigger," braver and more true to who you are and what you want in life.
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Limerence is the name for an obsessive infatuation that becomes more like an addiction to someone who cannot or will not be with you. It's especially common in people who were emotionally neglected as children, who will often go to any lengths to avoid losing HOPE that their love may someday be returned. They will pretend to be a friend, and lie about their true feelings, knowing on some level that disclosing the truth would instantly end the other person's willingness to spend time together. In this 4-video compilation, I share some of my most popular videos about the cost of pretending you DON'T love someone, and what to do to restore hope in your life of finding an available person with whom you can build a fulfilling, reciprocal love.
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No matter how much you pull yourself together after a childhood full of abuse and neglect, the injury of trauma will TRY to suck you back into horrible dynamics of your childhood without you even realizing it. Your trauma-driven thinking will like to you that a clearly bad situation will be different "next time." In this video, I respond to a letter from a woman who is thinking about reconciling with an abusive husband, for all the wrong reasons.
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There are two terrible ways that self-centered parents can wound you in the way you have relationships – and in particular, when they didn’t take an interest or support the unique little person that you were, and they didn’t help you learn to detect and say NO to mistreatment. And if this happened to you, you may find yourself struggling to have friends, and when you do get a friend, you’ll tolerate terrible treatment from them – and end up believing it’s your job is to hide that it hurts you. In fact, this disconnect can prevent you from seeing that this is a bad person and you need to get away, but your TRAUMA will tell you the problem is you. My letter today is from a woman I’ll call Ranette, and she writes:
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If you've tried to get help for problems related to Childhood PTSD, you've probably tried many approaches to healing, and chances are, none of them really worked. In this video I teach about common approaches to healing childhood trauma, and the big reason why only some of them are effective.
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Growing up poor, abused or neglected can leave you struggling in adulthood to develop a good career and earn what you are worth. In this 4-video compilation I share four of my most popular videos about trauma, work and income, and how people with Childhood PTSD can heal and grow their career lives and achieve financial security.
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The irony about a codependent person is that, while they’re focusing excessively on someone else, they’re actually absorbed in themselves. And one sign that someone is codependent toward you CAN BE that you feel VERY irritated and invaded by a loved one’s excessive focus on you. They hover, they get in your business; it feels impossible to have boundaries around them. They say it’s just because they love you but Something feels OFF. Sometimes codependency is an urge to fix you – but sometimes it’s not about you at all. It’s about THEM. And that’s the dirty secret of codependency – it can actually be one face of self-centeredness. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is learning this the hard way.
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Not all childhood trauma comes in the form of neglect or physical abuse. One of the most insidious forms of trauma is when parents brainwash children to override their own common sense – to ignore what their eyes and ears tell them, to live in fear, and to live under the constant threat of ostracization for breaking an impossible set of rules. In this video I respond to a woman who has mostly extricated herself from an abusive religious cult, but is still mentally trapped by in a belief she must stay with her abuser.
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Fear is an inner obstacle that stands between you and all you hope to do, or have or become. I’m talking about “fear” in the broadest sense – an anxiety, or an inhibition inside that stops you from freely living and authentically: Instead, you doubt yourself. You feel mortified every time you say what you really think. You stay small. Yet there is so much nonsense out there about what fear is -- but very little that teaches you how. In this video I'll teach you exactly how to get free of unnecessary fear.
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Having a few good friends is a great blessing in life. But if you grew up with trauma, you may have had trouble finding and keeping friendships with people you love and respect. This is partly because of abuse and neglect can harm your sense of feeling connected -- and partly because people with CPTSD can't always see the red flags that uncaring "friends" are mistreating them. In this 4-video compilation I share some of my most popular videos about upgrading your friendships.
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A big reason why people who were neglected as children struggle to form stable, lasting relationships is because of insecure attachment. You might RUSH in and get enmeshed with someone you just met – and then freak out when it becomes clear that just because you’re sleeping together, the commitment and predictability of a real relationship isn’t there – or isn’t there YET. If you’re not clear what you want – not just in your mind but in your words and actions – you are unlikely to get what you want. And the shame of it is, you may be pushing away perfectly good people, who like you, but are put off by the odd behaviors that come out of you when you’re trying to hide how confused and freaked out you are. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who feels crushed that someone she's just begun dating isn't "there" for her.
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Sometimes neglectful parents make it necessary for kids to figure out EVERYTHING on their own. How to get by, how to get their needs met, how to stay safe. If you grew up like this, I’m going to guess it’s been hard for you to recognize who, among the people you know, really has your best interest at heart. And this shows up in your life relationships where someone mistreats you, but you stay – maybe you even keep saying how grateful you are to have anyone at all to be there for you. And this wound of neglect can also show up as a strange inversion – where in the PAST you took care of everything for yourself. But once you bond with a partner, no matter how aloof or unavailable they are, you keep wanting to take care of everything for THEM. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who gives her ALL to a partner who gives nothing back.
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One thing that can be really hard for traumatized people is the pressure they feel when they make decisions. It's easy to make terrible mistakes when your trauma has control of your thinking. The decisions you make in your life will play a huge role in how your life turns out, who you’ll become, how happy you’ll be. But all this can be jeopardized because PTSD from childhood can drive you, unconsciously, toward BAD decisions – it can influence who you’ll marry, who you’ll break up with, where you’ll work, where you’ll quit, who your friends are, the way you express yourself when you’re angry, what you think is possible for you in your life. In this video I teach ways abuse and neglect in childhood can limit your life through trauma-driven decisions -- and how you can heal.
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Some people treat shame as a problem. And sometimes the belief that you've done something wrong is imagined, and needs to be released. It's easier though, when you address what I call "earned shame" -- things you did or failed to do that cause you ongoing regret, that you'd like to change and make better. In this 4-video compilation I share some of my best videos on the topic of Shame, and how people with CPTSD, who lived through childhood trauma can heal mistakes and release heavy feelings of guilt.
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