Episodi
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This week, let's talk about 3 Tips to Help You Recover From Social Isolation After Narcissistic Abuse
Mentioned episodes:
https://ChristyJade.podbean.com/e/ep-20-filling-the-friendship-cup-after-narcissistic-abuse/
https://ChristyJade.podbean.com/e/ep-19-finding-true-friendship-as-an-adult/
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
Transcript:
Speaker 1: (00:00)What's up party people? This week we are still on the series talking about psychological effects from narcissistic abuse. We're working through this. We are almost to the end of this series. So also chime in, message me, email me, let me know what topics you want me to cover. You can always check my show notes and my email address, which is fierce mama c gmail is there. So you can write me and be like, Hey, I want you to talk about this. I have a little list going, so add to it. All right, so today we are going to dive into social isolation. It's a big one. Narcissists do this to their victims. They socially isolate them, which actually has an effect. So let's talk about it. Speaker 1: (00:49)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:46)So if you've been following me, you know that there are tons of effects from narcissistic abuse and they can be psychological and this sucks and we hate it. So we're gonna talk about how to undo it, reverse it, slip or down. Reverse it. Name that tune. Um, so this week we are talking about social isolation. So if you were not familiar with this, narcissists will isolate you socially. There's all sorts of things they do, but this is what we're talking about today, specifically social isolation, where they will try to isolate you from your family, from your friends, and they can do it subtly. They can do it slowly. They can do it in a way where they will turn you against people who actually love and care for you. And they start to mess with your mind trying to convince you that those people are not good for you or don't want the best for you and they're just protecting you. Speaker 1: (02:41)It's a whole gross ucky, yicky, all those key words. Okay? So today we are gonna talk about three ways you can help heal and work on that social isolation effect. Because when you've been in that relationship, especially if you've been in it for a long time, you may have lost friends, you may have lost family, you may have forgotten how to be social because you've been so codependent on your narcissist. So we don't want that anymore. We are gonna flip it into you 2.0 and we are going to gain back that confidence, that social relaxation where you feel better going into friendships. We actually have, I have some podcast episodes on friendships I can link and just in general kind of undoing what has happened, even if you never, maybe you grew up under the thumb of a narcissist. So you were always dependent on a parent or a sibling and you'd never develop those skills. Speaker 1: (03:43)Some of these things will help you with that as well. So let's dive in. Number one, seeking support from understanding individuals. So this is where, let's say before your narcissistic situation, you had friends, you had family, you had people that were close to you. Maybe you feel awkward now trying to get back to them. I'm telling you a lot of the times if you go in with love and you just say, look, I have gone through a lot and I miss you and I don't know how to get this back, but I really am asking for you. And you could even say forgiveness. People feel can feel slighted when you've cut them out of your life because of a narcissist. They can view it as you rejected them, when really we know how it all works. Like you are just this puppet of this narcissist at times, right? Speaker 1: (04:39)Like you're not even making your own decisions half the time, but their perspective may be different. So you can say, you know, I'm sorry about the situation. I'm realizing now what I've gone through and part of me healing and working through this is trying to reach out, apologize, and hopefully mend some of the relationships that I have lost in my life. Now, this is something me and my one-on-one clients work on. Um, because it can get kind of specific and you might need customized coaching. So if you want just like a one-off call to figure out how to have a conversation with a specific person, look at my show notes. And there there are power calls we can do the, um, journey to peace call. That is if you just want like one call, bing bang, let's figure the strategy out. That's a perfect way. Speaker 1: (05:32)Or if you wanna see, if you wanna do ongoing coaching with me, it's a great way to test it out. So go into my show notes if you're looking for some support in this. Anyway, so this could be also support group. So if you don't have those friends or family already, or you don't have past friends or family, maybe you just didn't have great relationships your entire life. There are support groups comprised of people who have experienced similar situations to you. And you can find this maybe locally, there's codependency anonymous, which if you've been isolated, you're probably codependent. Sorry, spoiler alert. So there are, I believe there's in-person, and I know there's online classes for codependency. Um, you can look on Facebook or whatever other social media platforms that have groups. I don't know them all. I usually use Facebook for things like that. But there are are all also, you know, domestic violence or abuse related groups that have local chapters. Speaker 1: (06:35)So you can do some Googling, thank God for Google and try to find something specific. If you want my help to find a group, please reach out. Email me. I love researching and helping with this stuff. So, um, cause I know some people get very overwhelmed, especially when you've been through abuse. I get it. It's also overwhelming sometimes we don't know where to start. So for me, it's, it's an easy thing I can help you with. All right, number two, rebuilding those social connections gradually. So, like I said, you know, reaching out might be hard, but try give yourself a little push. Say, coach Christy said it's okay. Believe in me. Do some affirmations around that. But gradually reconnecting with the people who were part of your social circle before. The abuse is something that I think is really good. If they were healthy people, of course you wanna evaluate, are these people good for me? Speaker 1: (07:28)Were they good to me back then before I got into this situation, did, was it people who were checking in and trying and really wanting to nurture a relationship with you? Those are the type of people that you want in your life. So reach out to those people who have showed understanding and caring or if, if you don't have those people, pay attention when you're out and about. Find a reason to just chat someone up at the grocery store. Dang, girl, look at that shiny apple. I don't know. Put yourself out there a little bit and see if you can build relationships and grow some trusting relationships that you deserve. Again, there are some more tips on that in my friendship based episodes, I will link. Um, but consider participating in group activities, hobby clubs, volunteering, those type of things. They might be like the, the sharing tips on apples in the grocery store. Speaker 1: (08:28)Okay, no, but joining those type of things where you have similar interests and it's a place that people are kind of expected to meet each other. That is a place you can start finding new relationships. Doesn't mean you have to be BFFs, but just being able to build that little social muscle again is a great thing. Number three, of course, we're not gonna get away from this episode with a little self-care chat. Yes, focusing on your self-care and your personal development, which you're doing. If you're listening to this podcast, good job. You've got a good start. Can help restore your emotional wellbeing and build that resilience up again. Like taking care of yourself after you have been isolated is very, very important. As important as the social aspect of actually meeting people. Take care of you. Take care of yourself. Build that confidence. Do those affirmations, all that energy moving work like I do the yoga. Speaker 1: (09:26)If you wanna do a reiki session with me, look in the show notes for that. Um, anything that will help your mind, body, and soul get back. Rebalanced is very, very crucial to this healing process and it helps everything together, right? It's like a well-oiled machine working together where you have yes, building your own confidence, which can in turn attract better people into your life that you can trust and build relationships with. So maybe you don't feel confident enough to even join one of those classes, one of those hobby clubs, activity type things, right? Maybe you don't feel comfortable enough. So once you start doing this self-care and self-confidence building, you will start to get more and more confident, have more assertiveness, and you can then say, mm, uh, I'm, I'm getting there, boo boo. I was calling myself boo boo. And then you can be like, let's go do this. Speaker 1: (10:25)Let's go rock out. Meet some people and trust again. It's hard. I get it, I've been there. But you know what? You really miss out when you don't push yourself a little bit, you know, nothing too crazy. But sometimes we need to stretch a little outside of our comfort zone. And what will help with that is building that self-confidence. So as you grow and develop in these ways, your confidence and sense of self will increase. Making it easier to reconnect with new people or even getting back to those old friendships that you had before the abuse started. Remember healing from abuse takes time. But be patient with yourself, have grace. Seek professional help if needed. Come jump into my show notes. There's plenty of ways to work with me. If you're just like, I wanna customize package, here's what I can afford. Help me out, email me. Speaker 1: (11:21)We'll figure something out. I love to help and I'm going to help you if you need help in some way. So hit me up, queen, hit me up. I will tailor something to your specific needs and we are going to get you back to good feeling, good, peace, freedom, all that jazz, all hands to heart. It's that time, let me say not if you're driving, nobody needs you not holding that wheel unless you're in a Tesla. Okay? Ah, so today's theme was getting back from isolation, right? Dealing with social isolation after the abuse. So hands to heart, you repeat after me. I am deserving of community, okay? I am an amazing human and deserve amazing people in my life. And finally, I do not blame myself for the isolation I went through because I'm a queen. Yes, there it is. All right, love you guys. See you in the next episode. Have a beautiful day or night, wherever you are, whenever you are. Dos and smooches.
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This week, let's talk about 5 Ways to Set Boundaries as a People Pleaser
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
Transcript:
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode, we're gonna talk about one of my favorite things to talk about boundaries. This is especially for you, all the people pleasers of the world. Some of us though, I'm throwing myself into this bucket. Our people pleasers only with certain people in certain situations. Hmm, abusive situations or just, it could be in your work environment, you're like that. Maybe it's just with family because there's history there, or you have fears or have to walk on eggshell so you become maybe more of a PE people pleaser in certain areas of life. Either way, this podcast is for you. Speaker 1: (00:40)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Kristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and free. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, queen bees, you're ready. Let's dive into the four ways to help you scooch along in your little boundary journey. Boundaries is such, it feels like such a harsh word. It doesn't have to be, to me, boundaries are a way. You are protecting your peace. You're not like doing wrong to anybody. You are doing good things for yourself and your life. Keeping in alignment with what you want in your life and what you deserve in your life. So you should never feel bad or have guilt around boundaries. And there are beautiful ways to express your boundaries. You don't have to be harsh but firm. Yes, that doesn't always mean you have to be like aggressive or harsh, but you wanna hold those boundaries in a solid firm way so that you stick to them. And the more you stick to your boundaries, the more people expect you to have and hold boundaries, which we love. Speaker 1: (02:31)By the way, if you don't know I have a Boundaries course, I will put the link in my show notes, aka podcast description. It is 10 whole exciting videos that you can do at your pace. They basically like drip out every week and then you can, you know, listen to them as you please. I try not to put them all in cuz nobody needs to listen to 10 boundary videos in one week, but they drop out every week, drip, drop, whatever word you wanna use. They Dr. Itty drop out every week and then after that you have them for a lifetime. Isn't that exciting? So if you really wanna go deeper on boundaries, then check that out. It is a, ugh, it's just an awesome, awesome course. I highly recommend it. I may be biased. All right, let's dive in. So as a people pleaser, setting firm boundaries can be challenging, right? Speaker 1: (03:25)We wanna please everybody or maybe, like I said, it's just certain people in your life. That was my case. I wasn't really a people pleaser to every single person that I ever met in my life, but certain people in my family, certain relationships, like romantic relationship, one of them I had, I was a super people pleaser in that one. Um, so it depends on the situation, right? But as a people pleaser in whatever way, it can be challenging to set boundaries with the person that you are people pleaser ring to. Is that a word? But you need to set these boundaries because we're trying to have peace and joy here. And you with, let me just back up. That's me re rewinding. If you do not have firm strong boundaries in your life, in alignment with what you want out of life, you are no not going to be able to get or maintain the things you want in life. Speaker 1: (04:20)And for us, that's peace, that's joy, that's freedom. All the things that we really truly desire and want after narcissistic abuse or any type of abuse or what we all deserve, right? So we wanna be shiny happy people. So here are four strategies to help you do that. Number one, recognize and prioritize your own needs. So you need to sit down with yourself. You need to set some time aside. This is a priority. This is the number one thing with boundaries that I actually do with my clients. You sit down and I call it a hell yes, hell no list. But you need to think about what you want out of your life. What is in alignment? What's not in alignment? So the hell yes is like, what is working right now? What are the needs that I have that I need to fill? What do, so the ones you already have, that's great, right? Speaker 1: (05:15)Or maybe you wanna put on that list too. What would I like to have? What? How would I like to feel? Let's say you are like, I just wanna feel peace. I wanna get away from drama. Write it all down. There's no like wrong or right answers. Here, go with your intuition. This is a brain dump. And then on the hell no side, that's what is not working. Or also what you do not want in your life. Let's say you got out of a an abusive relationship of any kind, okay? Whether it's romantic friendships, family ships, whatever it is, you know, there's something in that relationship that did not work for you and is not okay. You could get really specific with what type of abuse or what. Maybe there were some red flags you ignored, write them down. So you do this brain dump, and this is a whole exercise I do with my clients. Speaker 1: (06:09)So if you want to do one-on-one coaching, my link is always there in the show notes too. But understand, it's not selfish to prioritize this, right? Like to look at those priorities and say, I deserve to have all of this. I'm telling you, you're a queen, so you're up in this queendom, you deserve it. Take time to reflect on what it is. So this isn't like you're gonna do it in two minutes, but if you truly want to prioritize your mental health and your wellbeing and feeling good, you need to carve out time to do this stuff, guys. All right, coach Christy's getting sassy. So you require to be balanced and fulfilled. That's a requirement. Now, okay, so what do you have to do? A little work. You gotta do your hell yes and your hell no list. And then we start to build boundaries around those things. Speaker 1: (06:58)How do you get from a hell no to a hell yes. You start creating boundaries around that. Hell no. Let's, let's do example time with Kristy. Let's say a hell no in your life is that you live with a relative. Let's say it's an aunt and she is really horrible to you and you feel like you just have to deal with it. I call that's big. Nope, you don't have to deal with it. We can talk about all the ways to not do that, but we're just going from like a zoomed out lens here. So a hell no is your aunt is really mistreating you and horrible and makes fun of you, X, Y, Z. Okay? Every day you've got this strife in your life in order to make that a hell yes. What would that look like? Maybe it would be having a sit down talk to start, which maybe if you're a people pleaser, you have not wanted to even do that because you wanna respect your elders. Speaker 1: (07:54)I don't know. There's all these different reasons we give ourselves to not have talks with people or it could look like I really want her out, but I don't know how to do that. And then we can go there, right? This is when you work with therapists or coaches to achieve these things. But we're just talking zoomed out what a boundary may look like. It's something you wanna set, it's a goal of a boundary. And then we can take those little sparkle steps to actually get to that boundary where you actually can place the boundary and go from there. Again, my boundary course goes through all of this and the conversations you have with people. So the first thing is really getting all of that out though, really getting, what do you prioritize? What do you want? What are the hell yeses? What are the hell nos? Speaker 1: (08:38)And you wanna make those hell nos hell yeses one at a time. You can't do it all at once. It's too overwhelming. But you can do it quicker than you think. Sparkle by sparkle. Take one of those hell nos and think, how could I get this to feel better? How could I get closer to setting a real boundary around this so that I can live more peacefully? Ladies and gents, I'm talking today, it is like eight minutes in and we're only on number one. All right, I'll talk faster, fast forward. All right. Number two, you have to communicate a assertively. This does not mean mean, or you're an or you're a, okay? It doesn't, I mean, we can do that too, but you don't have to practice assertive communication when expressing your boundaries. So you wanna be clear and direct, okay, all the fluff. Speaker 1: (09:26)And I get there's, there's something to be said for the sandwiching of like starting in with, you know, I really appreciate our relationship. And then you go into the meat of the boundary and then you end it with, I hope that we can work this out, right? That's okay, but trying to give all these excuses and details and fluffy language, no, we gotta be real direct. So an example of this would be, I really love the fun we have together. I think we have a great friendship, okay? There's sandwich, bread, bread piece number one. It's all fluffy and happy. Meet and boundaries is, I really, you have to be very specific too. I do not appreciate you talking down to me or yelling at me. Um, I, I really need that to stop in order for us to have a relationship. And then the fluffy end of the other sandwich. Speaker 1: (10:15)I hope that we can work this out because like I said, I really do enjoy the fun times with you, but this is something that I need for us to maintain our relationship. Get it? So you sweeten you get direct very specific. So it's not like they're wondering what does she mean? Like, don't be mean to me. Well that's, that can be perspective in a way, right? So it's like, what specifically, don't yell at me or don't talk down to me, or don't call me names, whatever. I mean, should we be friends with these people? Anyway? I don't know. I'm just giving examples here. I, I like to give people a chance to make things right? I like to think people don't always see what they do, right? So I know like I had a friend, you know, maybe she was just extra loud, maybe she yelled, you know, it's just part of who she was. Speaker 1: (11:05)But the intention behind it started to, to me off. And it felt very like she was putting me down and talking down to me and like condescending and, and yelling. And I was just like, you know what? I'm like 30 something years old. I don't need. So I had to talk with her. Did it end well, maybe not, but it could have with somebody else. Maybe there's somebody who would've said, you know what? You're right. I'm gonna work on that because I love you and I want our relationship to last, right? So that's just an example of how you can communicate assertively and directly without having to feel like you're an. Another example is if someone's kind of smothering or just being a little much, and look, we all go through our. Let's say you feel like you just need a little space. Speaker 1: (11:47)You can say, I love spending time with you, but tonight I really need some space to recharge. Instead of saying, you never give me any space, or you're always up my, right? Saying those I need or I want is so much better than pointing a finger and saying, you, this is really beneficial in conversations like this. That being said, side note, if someone is really abusive, I mean the, it takes the cake, right? I'm talking about, let's say you're out of a, an abusive situation. You're looking for new friendships, new romantic ships, , new family ships, all the ships. You can really start to know how to have these, um, conversations, healthy conversations. If you, if you are still with someone who is very abusive to you, my advice is always to get out of those situations. It is going no contact. Uh, if you have to co-parent, then it's gray rock method. Speaker 1: (12:43)There are go, go search and binge my episodes about those. There's no contact and gray, gray rock method, um, episodes if you need that. But most of you here listening are from abusive situations that you are almost out of or out of. And this is especially for you preparing for moving forward. So you don't attract or not attract, but you don't end up in situations like you did in the past. In order to not end up in those relationships, we need to have firm boundaries. Number three, just say no. Saying no can be hard too for you people pleasers, I know it. Um, especially with certain dominant personalities, you might feel even worse saying, no, you're scared. We don't wanna be scared of people. First of all, if there's certain people who feel really like walking on eggs, shellies and nervous, you're gonna upset them. Speaker 1: (13:38)Evaluate those uh, ships if you will. But to establish boundaries, you have to learn to say no and it's okay. Don't feel guilty. It's okay to decline requests or invitations that do not align with your priorities or your values, right? This is what we're trying to create a life of joy, peace, freedom. If something comes into your life that you have a choice, whether you feel like it or not, you do, okay? But you have a choice to say yes to something or no, we need to practice saying more nos to things that just don't feel right or good to us. Okay? I'm giving you full permission. Tell 'em say, oh yeah, coach Kristy gave me permission. All right? So go talk to her about it. Tell 'em give 'em my email address. I'm all ears and I want you to hear me out, okay? Speaker 1: (14:33)I want, if nothing else from this podcast hits you in your heart, I want it to be this no is not a rejection of others, okay? It is a way of honoring yourself. I'm gonna say it one more time for the people in the back. Get ready. I'm gonna get louder. Remember just kidding. Remember saying no is not a rejection of others. It is a way of honoring you. So practice by saying it kind and respectful. Do your little sandwich if do, if you have to offer alternatives if possible. Like, no, I don't wanna take care of your dog for five days, but I would love to send you a package of biscuits for him. I don't know, that was a horrible one, but that's all I got right now. Okay, here's a real one that I've done. I had to choose one engagement over another, not like marriage engagement, but an event over another. Speaker 1: (15:31)And so I said to the one person that I did not choose, I said, I cannot come to your birthday party, but I would love to take you out for a birthday cocktail or dinner next week. Boom. Okay, so you, you get it. Or if you didn't wanna spend that time and energy, maybe on that person could say, thank you so much for the invite and here's a picture of me in my that, I mean, that's nice. I'm joking, I'm joking. This one I love so much. And actually there's a book called The Best Yes, by somebody , I'm always so helpful, aren't I? It's like Lisa k, that's not it. But if you look up on Amazon the best, yes, Lisa or Lisa, I think it's spelled with a y, something with a K at the end, I don't know. It's a Lisa and she has a best yes to talk about and it's a little religious, so if you're not into that, you're not into it but you can overlook it and get a lot from the book anyway. Speaker 1: (16:28)But it's really about saying yes to yourself and I just freaking love this book. It helped me set limits on my availability. That is number four. Setting limits on your availability. So defining clear limits on your time. This is like, I feel like this is one of those self boundaries too because if you don't, it's like, it's like it's not other people's fault if you are not even managing your time and you're not even valuing your own time. You know what I mean? You gotta be like having my own business. I gotta set my own hours. I do make exceptions occasionally and I feel good doing that. But there's some people that'll, you know, have their own business and they just work around the clock and around the clock and people expect them to answer emails in the middle of the night or whatever. So that's just an example of a business owner. Speaker 1: (17:15)But there's so many things like that where you become available to everybody and you need to set more realistic expectations with others about when you can or want to be available. So do this around your work hours, your social engagement and obviously the personal time. So this is another protection bubble, like this is really important and it was a game changer for me in my business. I struggled in the beginning cuz I'm like, oh well you know, you wanna get those clients and you want this and that. So sometimes with certain situations I think it's okay to occasionally, I don't wanna say break a boundary, but do something that feels right. Like there were certain clients I really wanted to work with that I loved and they were in totally different, different time zone. So I'm like, well I'll make one exception where I'll work one evening a week at five instead of ending at five, right? Speaker 1: (18:11)And pushed it a little like that's a real thing that happened. So you know, you have to listen your own intuition, but you can't get it. Let it get outta hand. So protect your time. And this is essential for self-care. We have all the self-care talk in like so many episodes and this is just an another way of caring for yourself, like carving out the time. I'm gonna do a whole other um, episode on intentional planning because when you actually sit there and block out time like a boss, like a boss's boss's boss with a queen boss, when you block out time for like, this is my work hours, this is my 30 minutes a day, I'm going to read a trashy novel. This is my 20 minutes at night, I'm going to sit in that lavender bath and blow bubbles and sing at the top of my lungs. Speaker 1: (19:03)Like you have to carve out the time. And when you do that so intentionally, you know when you're not doing that, right? So you're not gonna answer the phone when you know, this is my block plan, this is my block plan, I can't speak, this is my plan for this block of time, right? So I'll go into all of that in like I said another episode. But that's showing that intention of setting limits. And that's part of it is by planning. I love, I love a good planner. Anyone else? I want you guys to email me, okay? Fierce mama. See gmail.com. It's always in my show notes. I want you to tell me, do you prefer a paper planner where you can like touch it and hold it and put stickers all over it? And do, do, do, I dunno what that last part was. Speaker 1: (19:50)Or do you like a digital planner where it's all synced up to your phone and your laptop and your cousin's toe? Okay, I want you to tell me that in your email. I'd just like to know. And speaking of that, I think I'm gonna have an upcoming episode. All these episode ideas coming on planning because I have discovered a very exciting new, uh, it's a new way of planning that's like kind of like paper planner meets digital planner. I think I found, I think I finally found my planner love. I created my own planners by the way. So if you like paper planners, which I do, I use my own planner every day in my show notes. God, a lot of show notes calling out, look at me, I'm just promoting the outta myself today. But hey, I got some good. So I have a journal, but I also have a planner pad that has a to-do list. Speaker 1: (20:44)So it's got the top three priorities, it's got the to-dos for the day, then it's got a little block for gratitude and then it's got a little other dreams and plans block. I'm looking at it right now. I'm like reading down the list. My a d d doesn't let me remember all this. Um, and on the front, that's the back, the front has an hourly schedule that goes down the left side of the page and then it's broken out across horizontally. I have my dad's New York accent for a second horizontally. I got it horizontally where you, I have like my schedule is the first one. Then I have like my daughter's schedule, my husband's schedule. And this is great if you have multiple kids, you can see where everyone is like all at once. I freaking love it. I designed it and I love it. Speaker 1: (21:30)And then you have a little block for your self-care that you have to write in every day at the top of the page. What's your self-care for the day? So there that is. I think that's enough. Babbles. This is a good one. This is a long one. I hope you enjoy it because I did skip last the last two Thursdays. So you have time, you have time to listen to this whole binge of a show today and next week. Next week I think I'll be able to do two. This is my zero F summer, so I'm doing exactly what I wanna do when I wanna do it. And it's beautiful. You should try it. So fun. All right, I hope you guys are wonderful before we go. You know what time it is hand to heart. Okay, let's see. Ah, let's think about those boundaries. Yes. Number one, I am worthy of boundaries. Repeat it sister. Speaker 2: (22:17)I am worthy of boundaries. Speaker 1: (22:21)Second one, I'm going to start creating boundaries. Now Speaker 2: (22:26)I am gonna start creating boundaries. Now Speaker 1: (22:31)My third's gonna be, I'm gonna stop creepily whispering along with you. I'm gonna stop. I never listen to myself. Last one. I am not a people pleaser. I want us to not attach that to our names anymore. Okay? I wanna let go of that identity. I am not a people pleaser anymore. We can be loving, but we're not gonna please all the people but us. We stop that. Now can I get an amen? Thank you. All right, smooches and Oches and all that jazz. And I'll see you in the next episode.
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This week, let's talk about 5 Ways to Help Release Guilt and Self Blame After Narcissistic Abuse
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello, beauties. Hope everyone is having a fabulous summer so far, or winter if you're across the world. For me, I'm in summer mode. I'm in vacay mode. Life is good. And it just makes me realize that we truly can create a life we want, even when we've been through some. So today we're gonna talk about five ways to stop self blame and guilt after narcissistic abuse. And I'm doing a second podcast about this because it's come up a lot lately with my clients. Some followers have messaged me about the self-blame and just feeling like ashamed and beating themselves up. And we don't have time for that. So we're gonna get into it this episode. Speaker 1: (00:50)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:48)All right, so as we know, recovering from narcissistic abuse can be very challenging, right? And overcoming the self-blame, the guilt that just, oh, you feel like, how did I let this happen? All of those thoughts can really kind of stunt your healing. So we have to kind of break through this in order to move forward. So here are five ways to help stop all those things that we just, like I said, we don't have time for. Let's move, let's move forward. And shimmy, shake, come on. The first one, really educating yourself about narcissistic abuse. Obviously in my journey I have gone very, very, very deep in understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, right? It was part of my healing journey. It's how I'm here now, helping you, giving you information. But it was really essential for me to get through the guilt and everything. Like once I realized, wow, these are actually a specific type of people that do X, Y, Z, it's almost like a science. Speaker 1: (02:54)It becomes almost predictable. I say almost, cuz not every little nuance is always predictable, but when you really start understanding narcissists, they become pretty predictable and you kind of know they're next to move and you start to see it in a more logical slash technical way rather than an emotional way. And that is helpful for our journey in healing. So listening to podcasts like this, watching YouTube videos, there's a million TikTok videos you can watch. There's just so much information out there now, thank goodness about narcissistic abuse. That being said, some of it, you know, check your resource if there's accurate information. Sometimes people just throw stuff there, stuff out there. So if you really want to understand, it is helpful to work with a therapist or a coach like myself that has been through it and truly knows what's going on, the ins and outs of narcissism and the abuse that they cause, right? Speaker 1: (03:55)But understanding those dynamics can help you recognize the abuser's actions. Were not your fault. And until you really get how it all works, it's kind of hard to not feel like you had some hand in it and you didn't. So learning about the personality disorder, which is a real thing, a personality disorder that is very, I'd like to call it calculated. It's very, it's a manipulative type of abuse. Learning all of that can help provide clarity and validation to your experience. For us, I've been there, I get it. Needing that validation is essential, essential in our journey. And you, you can really get that through understanding how it all works, how they work. Number two, seeking support from a trusted network. Hopefully you have a person or two you can trust in your life. If not seeking out, like I said, a therapist or coach who truly gets it, who can validate your feelings. Speaker 1: (05:05)Part of what I love about my work is when I'm sitting there with a new client and they're explaining their story and talking about their history and their abuse, and when I get to tell them how it works, explain that it's not their fault. And usually in the first session or two, there's some relief that comes out of them just hearing, just feeling validated. But hearing like this isn't your fault. And sometimes it takes a little longer, honestly, for victims, survivors of narcissistic abuse to really accept that it's not their fault. That can be a journey on its own. But just having someone say it to them who's been through it and knows like, this is not your fault. You are not crazy. I know your truth. I believe you and I validate your feelings is one of the best things in my job. Because seeing that relief on someone's face and knowing what that felt like when I heard it the first time, I, oh, I might get a little emotional right now. Speaker 1: (06:18)It's just, it's just such a relief because you feel like you are batshit crazy or you did this somehow and it's your fault and, and you wrecked your own life. Maybe you wrecked your kids life, like all these awful thoughts that aren't true. And you get even just a little bit of relief in the first couple of calls. And then as we do more and more work, you're gonna by the end of it, be like, I'm a badass queen. I didn't do. This Emma Effa is a crazy person who made me believe all this stuff. But it's not true. And you see the real truth, and I love that journey. So yes, it's super helpful to have someone close to you that you can trust and talk about to it about it too, like friends or family and or a therapist or coach. Speaker 1: (07:02)Number three, and this is hard for some of us because of the dynamic that has been placed upon us by such narcissist practicing self-compassion. So be kind to yourself. Acknowledge, first of all, nobody's perfect. We were not handed a handbook on anything when we were born. Okay? Like, I mean, let's throw parenthood in there. Let's throw how to navigate relationships in general, whether you're with a narcissist or not. We have to learn and grow. It's part of life. Like nobody's born just knowing everything. And especially with these jacked up, crazy narcissistic, abusive dynamics, there's no handbook. And that would be a hell, hell of a long, crazy wild ride of a handbook if there was one. So be kind yourself. You didn't know how to navigate this. Nobody knows how to navigate a narcissistic abuse situation. Nobody, right? But what we can do is once we realize it, once we're aware enough, it's pulling yourself out of it that counts. Speaker 1: (08:08)And then it's saying, I want to create a different life. I see what happened. It sucked. It's not my fault. And now I'm gonna be me 2.0 and I'm gonna be a queen and I'm gonna get through this and I'm gonna heal and everything is gonna be okay. If you have to do some affirmations, you know, I'm a big affirmation person. I might mention them like every other podcast episode for a reason. Take some of those self-blaming thoughts. I want you to write 'em down. This is your homework. I want you to write three self-blaming thoughts, okay? And I then want you to flip 'em to the opposite. Okay? So if you say, let's, let's give an example. It's example time with CHristy. Okay? Let's say I stayed with someone who was abusive and that was so stupid. I'm so stupid. I want you to change that too. Speaker 1: (09:08)Someone was abusive to me and I'm smart enough to be trying to get out of it. If you're there or getting out of it, or I, I'm smart enough to have gotten out of the situation, give yourself props. You're not stupid. I want you to switch it around to the opposite. You are smart, you are strong. That's why you're listening to this, okay? I want you to do three of those affirmations. Write 'em down, flip the negative to the positive, stick 'em on your mirror. Say 'em every day when you wake up, say 'em every night while you're brushing your two. And tell me how it feels. So that kind of leads me to the next one, which is setting boundaries. So we've gotta build up that confidence and know we're worthy, we're okay, we went through hell, we're trying to work through it, or we're on the other side of it. Speaker 1: (09:59)We are climbing through the mud, but we're gonna, we're gonna do this and we're gonna start by setting boundaries with our new relationships or maybe some old relationships or family or friends that maybe are used to you being a certain way, but she's not here anymore and she has new plans and she's got plans with boundaries in 'em. , right? Like, we're not here to be taken advantage of or taken for granted anymore. So you have to prioritize your wellbeing, set those clear boundaries, and move forward and regain a sense of control over your life. You're here because your life got outta control and you don't want it outta control anymore, right? So let's take your power back, let's take your control back. And the first step of that is creating boundaries. I have a 10 part boundaries course, it's epic. And it is in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:55)There is a link for it. It is extremely reasonably priced for all the content in there. And I did that for a reason because I want it to be attainable for people who can't work, uh, one-on-one with me for an extended period of time. I want you to be able to build your boundaries and it's self-paced. One will leak out, leak out, that sounds weird. One will drop every week and you have, you know, lifetime access to these videos. And it will help you learn how to evaluate what boundaries you need to set, what to do while setting those boundaries. Who to set them with all of that fun and how to have the hard conversations and what to do with those conversations don't go well. Everything about boundaries is in this course. So check it out. Go check the link after you listen to the rest of this podcast. Speaker 1: (11:45)So you got your boundaries set, you're ready to go. And then number five, you focus on those personal growth and healing aspects. Engage in activities that promote your healing, your personal growth. That could be, if you're into reading and journaling, do that. If you're just wanting to take a new course, do something new for yourself. Like what is something you have not done that you want to do? There's gotta be one thing. Do that thing you need. You might need to distract yourself while you're healing. That's okay. I hear all this. I'm sorry. This may be different from other things you've been told. I hear often, like you don't wanna distract yourself from healing. You have to dive in and go deep and, and don't just distract yourself. I, I call on that. I did some distracting, I don't think of it as distracting. Speaker 1: (12:37)I think of it as part of the healing. I think doing something that lights you up in the midst of some hard stuff is absolutely necessary. So if I wanna go pursue a new hobby, take an art class, take a photography class, go dancing my butt off, I'm gonna do that. I don't think it's escaping. I think it is a part of growing as a person and that's part of healing. Discovering the new you, this new identity. Figuring out what do I like as this new person? Who am I now besides a bombass queen? Okay, so by investing in your personal development, any and all of that things, there's a lot of free resources out there too. But investing that time, maybe some of it is money, maybe it takes some money to take some courses, whatever it is. But you can rebuild that self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Speaker 1: (13:28)And that, I'm sorry, is huge in the healing process. So don't listen to those people who tell you don't distract yourself. You gotta dive in and Uhuh, we don't need to sit crying on a couch 12 hours a day. We need to shine a light on what needs to be healed, work on the healing, not obsess over the healing and live our lives and discover who we are and enjoy life. Right? Right. Yeah, that sounds so much better than like the deep dark healing and the shadow work and oh, it's all too much. That's too much. Mm-hmm. Positive vibes. And I'm not saying, what's the whole word they say like bypassing now, I can't think of it, but like bypassing healing and just kind of like, oh, yay. Life is butterflies and flowers only. I'm not saying that, but I am saying again, we highlight the things we need to work on. Speaker 1: (14:20)We work on them in a reasonable amount of time in our weekly schedule. We do, it's good to focus on the meditation or the therapy, but also there's a hell of a beautiful, joyful life out there that has a peaceful aspect, joyful happiness, all those things. I know you wanna feel, you can feel them in parallel to doing the work. So I'm, I'm just not all about that life where you dive into the dark and you spend seven months straight really, you know, taken that shovel and digging and digging and, and everything's so dark and at the end you're gonna have this bright light. That's not how I do things. If you're here with me, you probably are like-minded to me. You have to do what's right for you. If you wanna go dig and get deep and dark for a couple months and really do all that stuff that and that feels like you, that's your prerogative. Speaker 1: (15:13)Cool. I'm here to tell you my experience, what worked for me and what seems to work for my clients, right? So there's a balance and we mostly like to lean on the positive side and the growth side and the discovering who the f we are after abuse side. I'm all about that. So remember, healing from this abuse is a process that takes time, but that process can still be enjoyable. And that's what I want you guys to get. And I think so many people are scared of healing or just like, oh, I have to do this and that and it feels heavy. I'm not here for you guys to have to feel heavy. I want to lift you up and make your lives brighter. And that's what I've done with my clients. I would love to do it with you. There is also, besides my boundaries course, if you wanna work one-on-one with me, I have different options. Go click on the little linky link in my show notes if you wanna do one-on-one coaching sessions. I love doing them. They are my jam. So go sign up and let's chat and I will see you. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Are we forgetting something? Are we forgetting? Little affirmation. Action. All right. Hands to heart. Not if you're driving. Okay, let's see. What's a good theme for today? Hmm. The guilt, right? Okay, let's take a deep breath. Hands on heart. Speaker 1: (16:38)I am releasing my guilt. My abuse was not my fault. I am ready to have peace cause I'm a queen. Yeah, you are. Yes you are. I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and Oches and all that stuff. Love you. Talk to you soon.
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This week, let's talk about 10 Ways to Regulate Your Emotions and Find Peace
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Join my free facebook group here:
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello, hello. We are still working our way through the psychological effects of narcissistic abuse and on today's episode we are going to talk about emotional dysregulation. So stay tuned and we will dive into 10 tips to help you with this. Speaker 1: (00:20)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and free. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:32)So today we're talking about emotional dysregulation. What is that? You may ask? Well, it refers to the difficulties in managing and controlling your emotions effectively. So a lot of us, before I dive in, a lot of us cannot regulate our emotions correctly. If we have gone through narcissistic abuse, any type of abuse or trauma, which is like a lot of the world, let's be honest, but we can't manage and control those emotions. So it can manifest as in intense mood swings, impulsivity. Um, my impulsive shopping may have been a product of this anger outbursts, emotional instability, right? You might feel like your emotions go way high and then way low. And this actually can be very common because of the situations we were in or are in. If you're listening to this and you're still in a situation where we are literally like being trained by someone and manipulated to where our emotions are being tossed around high and low, high and low, high and low. Speaker 1: (02:36)So we get used to that feeling. So that is why even after you are out of a situation, you can still feel those intense mood swings. Your body remembers, woo, that was supposed to sound like a weird ghost and it just sounded like I was wooing for like a really good hockey team. But let's dive into like what do we do about it? I'm a very, what do we do about it? Now, person, as you may know from listening to my podcast, so here are 10 strategies that can help you cope with emotional dysregulation, uno, practice, mindfulness. There may be some overlap in some, some of these episodes here and during this series, but it's important to engage in mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing meditation, body scans. I don't know why body scans, like some people love them for me, it took me a while to do them and I still, they're not my go-to. Speaker 1: (03:29)So find what works best for you. Don't feel like if you don't love a good body scan, you don't have to do it right? Find something that works for you. It could be walking meditations, it could be meditating and having music in the background. It could be going for a run, right? But just somewhere where you're able to clear your mind and be present. These practices can help you become a aware of your emotions without judgment and respond to them more skillfully. So let's say you're meditating just like typical own style, right? As you learn to do this and it can take practice. So don't get frustrated if you try to meditate and you're like, all these thoughts, I can't do this, I'm incapable. No you're not. Shush. Just keep trying. Do it in small increments. Go from like five minutes, try to master that, then go to 10 minutes, try to master that next thing you know you're gonna be meditating all day. Speaker 1: (04:19)No, not a lot of us have time for that, but I'm sure it's amazing. I've never done it myself. So while you are in that meditative state, your emotions will come up, memories may come up, right? All these things will naturally come up and you have cleared your mind to let them come up. They might come up anyway in our everyday life, right? But here in meditation you can sit with your emotions without that judgment and just kind of observe them, right? Don't judge them. Just sit with them, observe them. And as you practice this more and more, you'll be able to just be more present with the thoughts instead of judging or trying to resist. Good tip. I'm glad I brought this up. Oh, thank you Christy. Here is a tip. When you are meditating, the more you try to resist a thought, the harder it's gonna be. Speaker 1: (05:05)It makes sense, but often we don't think of it. We're like trying to push these thoughts away or like, I don't wanna feel that when you're in meditation, it's the perfect place. When that thought comes up to observe it, embrace it, and try to pass it through, right? So mindfulness meditation, super, super amazing. Number two, building a support network. This, this has been one of the things that it might not happen right away because we may have trust issues with other people, which listened to last week's episode. You know, all sorts of things with relationships can get a little squeaky in the beginning. But as you build that, really try to build a support system with people who are supportive, are uplifting, that you don't have to walk on eggshells around. Could be friends, family members or support groups. We gotta declutter and take out the trashy friends and family members who are not supportive. Speaker 1: (06:01)Like we don't have time for that BS anymore. We didn't have time for it before, but now we know better. Come on, we're 2.0 over here we are Queens. Queens don't have time for. So make that bar very high for your friendships, for family members that you keep in your life. You are not gonna settle for less than people that treat you well and don't make you have fears and worries and walk on eggshells. I say walk on eggshells a lot because if you are someone who's been a victim of narcissistic abuse, you know that feeling. So I always use that phrasing cuz I know you know it, I know you know what it feels like in your body and I want you to pay attention. So you don't ever have relationships like that again. Number three, let's move it girl. Engage in regular physical exercise. Speaker 1: (06:48)So we know this, we know exercise is good for us, but are you doing it? Are you doing it every day? You don't have to like go be a hero for an hour and a half in the gym. I'm talking about just set aside 20 minutes. Usually you'll end up wanting to do it more. That's a little trick. But regular exercise does reduce stress, it improves your mood and emotional wellbeing. And what are we working on here today? Class emotional regulation. Okay, so if you really truly wanna regulate your emotions, this is a fantastic, I almost said fantabulous. Should I say that? Yeah, let's stick to that one fantabulous way to regulate your mind and body. Here's a little secret, find something you actually like doing. If you hate running, don't run. If you hate lifting weights, don't lift weights. If you love to dance to nineties rap like I do, go shake your tail feather anywhere. Speaker 1: (07:43)It could be your kitchen, it could be a Zumba class, it could be a hip hop class. Like I am starting tomorrow night. What? I'm so excited. Um, find something you love guys. This is your, like you're, you're signing yourself up for this. Nobody else. What do you wanna do? Make it fun. Number four, maintain a balance to lifestyle. Okay? You know the drill, that's simple stuff. You gotta sleep right? Okay, I'm gonna throw myself under the big old yellow bus right now. I don't sleep well and I have perimenopause and it's mess messing up my sleep even more. The hot flashes are starting. Like, what is this? Why does no one talk about this? Oh, it's not fun. So I'm working on my sleep schedule right now, like a little baby. I'm training a baby called me, but eating nutritious diet. I, I'm big on like, you know, you mess up here and there, it's okay. Speaker 1: (08:34)But in general, try to get those veggies and those fruits in. Try not to over sugar yourself. You don't have to be crazy psycho about a diet if you're not gonna stick to it. So try to do something at first realistic. And when you get into a jive, into a jive, what, what are these words today? Um, . When you get into a regular routine of eating better, then try to challenge yourself a little more until you really get straight and narrowed out. So I like to think in baby sparkles, right? Baby sparkle steps, okay? What's the one thing you can do this week to eat healthier? Whether that be do some lemon water every morning when you wake up or do one more servings of veggies this week. Each day mark it off. Get get yourself a little tracker calendar, do the work. So that's your homework this week and I want you to email me at fierce mama, c i E r Cmac G, whoops, fierce mama , F i e r C E M A M A C gmail.com. Speaker 1: (09:40)And I want you to write me, what are you gonna do this week? This is accountability people. What are you gonna do this week? One thing that you are going to eat healthier or drink that water or not drink that wine this week. Something this just for the week. Just for this week. All right? So taking care of your physical wellbeing we know can impact your emotional state. You know, it's true when I'm eating healthier and I'm drinking all sorts of water, being hydrated, getting all my beautiful colors of the rainbow in and my vegetables and fruits, I do feel better. I know that. So you know it too. Let's do this. Number five, learn and practice relaxation techniques, right? We learn a lot of coping tools, but you actually, you have to actually use them for them to work. Isn't that magical? So experiment though with different techniques, right? Speaker 1: (10:30)What works for one may not for the other. Same with the meditation stuff. So muscle relaxation, guided imagery, which I love. I'm very visual. So if you're a very visual person, you like doing art and like hands-on type things, you may enjoy guided imagery, meditations, I love those. Or just listening to calming music. Counting backwards like you did when you was a little kid. Counting your sheep. Find something that works for you because they can help you calm down during those moments where you're emotions are dysregulated, going, oh, help me, oh, help me. And you're like, what do I do? What do I do? You have a little toolbox of things that you know work for you. So discover, explore number six. You gotta dig a little, right? We gotta do a little work here. If you haven't done it already, it's time to get your shovel out. Speaker 1: (11:19)We're gonna go identify your triggers and then you develop your coping strategies accordingly. So pay attention to the situations you go through, the people that you are in touch with throughout the day or thoughts that trigger those emotions where you start to feel panic, where you start to be feel worried or stressed out or overwhelmed or like you wanna walk on those eggshells. Pay attention. What is it about this situation? So instead of stop dropping and rolling cuz that's for fire, we're not on fire, just stop dropping shovel, dig on down. What is it that is triggering me? That is what you need to ask yourself in that moment. And then once you figure out those triggers, you can use your strategies like positive self-talk. You know, I love me some affirmations, distraction techniques. I do that with myself. I do it with my daughter. Speaker 1: (12:13)I do love distracting by going outside, get out of the room you're in. Like, I don't care where you are. If you're at work and you're having so much panic, it's taking over. You're, I give you, I give you permission. Say Christy gave me permission, yo, to get up. Say you need to use the restroom, get out of wherever you are. You know, change of scenery is a big thing. Go outside, take a big gulp of air. If someone says that's not the bathroom, you say, well maybe it is to me. Okay, hey, it's not the first time I've peed on a tree. Ah, memories. No, I'm joking. Seriously though, get out of where you are if you can. And then of course there's always talking to someone like a therapist or yours, truly. Either way, somebody who understands narcissistic abuse and understands dysregulation and can help you with these coping mechanisms or just talking with you through them, that is huge. Speaker 1: (13:06)Talking about them with somebody who knows, has the experience and can help you, will accelerate your healing. If you want to work with me one-on-one, I will put a link. You can look at my availability. I am basically full for the summer. There's a couple spots open, so if you want it, grab it. And I would love to work with you and help you. So go take a little peek over in my show notes and sign up through the link. Number seven, express your emotions through creative outlets. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm excited about this one. I'm a creative, I love creative, I love art. But creative outlets, seriously for me, writing, I love writing, drawing, painting. If you're not into actual like art or drawing, even baking, cooking, using that creativity in a different way. There's so many ways to be creative that aren't necessarily what you would think as, as like typical creativity. Speaker 1: (14:00)And girl, if you can play an instrument or you wanna learn one, go for it. I sound like I said go for like the animal, go for it. Blast your emotions through that tube. A girl, I see you. So that's a great way any of those expressing yourself through, through art, through any creative outlet can be cathartic and literally like releasing that energy can be a relief. Number eight goes back to what I was talking about earlier, got a little ahead of myself, which I do sometimes, but seek professional help. If it is impacting your daily life. Get help. There's no shame in that game. It is, it does not make you weak, it makes you strong and it makes you a queen. And that's all I'll say about that. You know the rest. Number nine, practice self-care. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before. Speaker 1: (14:48)Joking, joking. We are big on self-care here in this podcast. So if you prioritize self-care that will promote relaxation and wellbeing. And what is wellbeing help? Yes, your regulation of all your emotions. So you know, the typical things. Go take your bubble bath, put on your lotion like you mean it. Read a nice book, a relaxing book. And look, I, I get it. People love murder podcasts. Can that not be part of our self-care though? Can we listen to something a little more gentle instead of murders? Good, thank you. Um, go. Like, I know some people are like, no, it relaxes me. No it doesn't. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to jump in here. Fight me. Uhuh. Murder's. Murder's not relaxing. Okay, guys, going for walks in nature, getting out nature period is, is relaxing. Just an automatic mood stabilizer. And get your feet in that dirt. Speaker 1: (15:45)Get it in the water. Oh, I was at the lake the other day. It was so relaxing, just watching the waves. Just, and I mean, it was a lake so it wasn't like tidal waves over here, but you know, the ripples in the water just immediately regulated my body and hobbies that bring you joy and peace. So that could be art, of course, that could be anything, any hobby that makes you happy that you can just be present and focus on and is calming. I highly recommend Number 10. We're at the end. Are you ready? Develop emotional regulation skills. That sounds easy, huh? . So learn specific skills to regulate your emotions. So that could be identifying and labeling your emotions, right? So what am I feeling right now? Really paying attention and being present and almost putting a magnifying glass up to your emotions. Speaker 1: (16:42)Like, hello in there. What is this feeling? Let's explore you. Right? Label it, call it out. And challenging your negative thought patterns. So when something comes up and you think, oh, this is gonna happen, or he's gonna do this, or Why can't I do this? You've, you've gotta stop that negative thought. And there, there are definitely episodes where I talk about this in my previous episodes, practicing self-compassion. Give yourself grace, girl, you've been through a lot. This is not going to all be healed magically, overnight, but it can be faster than you think. I will always add that. And also don't feel like, why did I put up with this? All of these thoughts. Like, we don't have time, we don't have energy for that. What you need to focus on now is what? Now? What can I do now? How can I better my life now? Speaker 1: (17:30)How can I have joy? How can I have peace? Stop thinking about the past so much. Stop the cycle when you feel those negative thoughts say mm-hmm have a buzzword. Like, hell no. That's what I used to say to mine. Hell no. Have a little buzzword. Have a little convo with yourself. All right. And also developing effective communication strategies. So things like setting boundaries, having those healthy relationships where you actually communicate with each other and respect each other. And don't walk on eggshells and work on the defensiveness, right? So this all takes time in practice, but it's doable. Okay? So remember, emotional dysregulation can be very challenging. It can, but with the time, effort, and support, you can learn to manage your emotions more effectively. You really can. So it's important to be patient. Like I said, give yourself grace and seek help. If that is me, just go into my little podcast notes over there. Speaker 1: (18:29)I've got an email. If you wanna email me questions, it will be there. I've got a link. If you're like, sign me up, baby, click it. Let's talk. We will have a one-on-one hour long session or you can sign up for more if you're like, I'm ready. No, I'm ready, I'm ready, let's do this. There are other options too. So go click away and let's chat. But we're not getting outta here without some affirmation. So you best put your hands on your heart. Unless you're driving, you are not a self-driving vehicle. Hands to heart, let's go. I am regulating my body. I deserve to find balance in my life. I am finding more peace every day because I'm a queen. Yes you are. I will see you in the next episode.
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This week we talk about How to Know if a Person is Trustworthy. This can feel especially hard to those of us who have gone through abuse, but I think you will enjoy these tips!
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
Let's connect on social media!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello, beautiful beings out there. Put a smile on your face. I want you to be happy today. Let's decide to be happy. I hope you're in a good mood. If you're not, let's turn it around. All right. Today we are going to talk about how to determine if someone is trustworthy. On the previous episode this week, we talked about trust and regaining trust in ourselves and other people. So I thought I would do a little tip session. Nine tips on how to determine if someone is trustworthy. There are some signs. So let's dig in. Speaker 1: (00:37)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:35)So after narcissistic abuse, it can be tricky trusting yourself to make the good decisions, trusting yourself to be able to tell if someone's trustworthy, trusting other people. Cause there's some whack people that hurt our feelings and our souls . So let's dive into how to know if someone is trustworthy. Number one, honesty. So look for consistent honesty in their words and their actions. I say actions more than words, right? Because there's a lot of lip service, especially if you have attracted someone of the narcissistic personality and you're worried about attracting it again, they are good at lip service. So yes, words matter, but actions matter more. So are they transparent? Are they open? Are they truthful in their communication? But it's kind of like, well, yeah, you asked that, but sometimes like I thought they were honest. Now that you've been through it, believe it or not, you actually can tell a little better than the start of your journey with a narcissist because you're here, you're away, you're trying to heal. Speaker 1: (02:42)You did see red flags, you did get out or you're trying to get out. So you know, some of the red flags, you know that intuition feeling. You need to get in touch with your intuition to really be able to feel that. Again, I have some episodes go binge my episodes cuz I talk a lot about that. Meditation y yoga, doing these things really help you, um, kind of connect your intuition back to your mind, your body, your soul. So you can trust yourself intuitively, right? But one way to kind of test this is when you are, let's say dating or getting a new friendship, whatever. When you ask questions, do they feel like, seem like they're avoiding them? They don't want to answer, especially when you're asking pretty simple questions that have simple answers. Do they get defensive? So kind of read body language, see hesitancy, um, and see how open they are because a lot of narcissists will not answer certain things, especially in the beginning when they're trying to paint a beautiful, perfect picture of themselves. Speaker 1: (03:51)Also, look at that. Are they very arrogant? Are they talking about how great they are? Either way, uh, narcissistic or not, homie, don't play that. Like I I am not into arrogant people, , it's just not a great trait. So pay attention to these things as they're talking, like I said, their, their body, their demeanor. Like are they asking questions about you? Are they remembering them? Does it seem, seem sincere? And you, we'll start to build this trust. Like I said, if you've gone through it, you do have a better idea and you, it might take time. This might not be overnight, but keep listening and watching. Number two, are they reliable? So do they follow through on their commitments? Do they make excuses, which isn't that cool? Do they cancel all the time? I had one narcissistic relationship, uh, romantic relationship and whew, that guy put me through the ringer with canceling and excuses and all sorts of things. Speaker 1: (04:51)Not very dependable. So that was a sign I kind of missed a little bit. So are they dependable, punctual? That's a good thing. We like that. Can you rely on them to do what they say they will do? Number three is consistency. In the beginning, this may be a little tricky, but they will show themselves slowly but surely narcissist will become inconsistent. Um, often it can take a little bit, so sometimes we have to walk through the mud, but consistency is key. Do they display a consistent pattern of behavior over time or they, they do they change their stance or beliefs? Or if they're talking to one person, they may say something and then talking to another may say something else. Often narcissists will wear different masks depending who they're talking to. So if you're around their friends and they seem like different than when they're around you or they run into somebody unexpectedly and act off, pay attention to these signs. Speaker 1: (05:57)All right, number four, integrity. This is a big one when no one is watching. So sometimes it's hard because, well, it's no one's watching. No. But even when they're not like out on the public eye, they're not posting on Facebook, they're not in a group, you know, all eyes aren't on them. As you get more comfortable with them, they'd be more themselves around you. And how do they act within the walls of their own home? How do they treat wait staff? How do they treat people? Helping them, you know, like at the grocery store or whatever, checking them out. Notice how they treat others when they're not like performing. Cuz a lot of narcissists, especially the more outgoing narcissist, will have this big, charismatic kind of fake , um, personality and act a certain way. And then when they're with people they're comfortable with or alone, they act differently in a negative way. Speaker 1: (06:58)So pay attention to any shifts. It goes back to consistency. But also is it adding up to what they kind of present as their moral or ethical principles, right? Like in the quiet of the night, in the dark, when they're not on the stage of the world, how do they act and how do they treat people? Trustworthy? People act the same whether they are with themselves, whether with their, you know, of course there's little changes and just comfort levels, but I'm talking about what they do, right? Like I am who I say I am, right? I'm a giving person. I love to help people. Obviously it's what I do for a living. But behind closed doors, I also buy people their Starbucks. I pay for people at cvs. I leave little rocks that say cute little things on them, right? Like I do kind of random acts of kindness that nobody knows about. Speaker 1: (07:51)I don't talk about it. I'm talking about it now to make a point. But how do these people act when no one or just those close to them are watching? All right, number five might be one of my biggest, biggest tips here. Paying attention to accountability. So when mistakes or prob problems, problems speaking, problems arise, a trustworthy person will take responsibility, right? I'm not gonna say it's right away. We're all human. So if they need a minute or if they get a little defensive, that that's one thing, right? People are people, but if they don't own their mistakes, if they don't take responsibility, admitting their faults, apologizing, making things feel better, if they don't do that, they're not trustworthy. So a trustworthy person, and this can show up very early on and it's a good test to look at. If you have a conflict in the first month or two of a new relationship of any kind, how do they act? Speaker 1: (08:55)Do they take accountability? It's really important. Trustworthy people will take accountability and, you know, try to make it better and not just like put all the blame on you or flip things around or, you know, make it bigger than it is. So that's something also to pay very close attention to. Number six, confidentiality. So this is something, and again, it might not come out in the very beginning, but a trustworthy individual respects confidentiality, privacy, right? So anything shared with them, you share a secret with them, they're not gonna blast you. I know with narcissists, I've, in my own experience, I've told them something and found out that they told other people about it to use it against me later. So that sucks. But that's something to immediately if that happens, no, that person is not trustworthy. It seems obvious, but sometimes we will make excuses for people, right? Speaker 1: (10:00)Or they will make excuses for themselves. There is no excuse to share your secrets or your private matters. So trustworthy people can be trusted to keep sensitive or personal information to themselves and not misuse it. And especially use it against you later because that is definitely something narcissists do. I All right, number seven. Are they empathetic? Uh, most of us know narcissists do not have a true empathetic bone in their body. The trick is sometimes they can fake it a little bit, but really long term they cannot. So trustworthy individuals, they show empathy and concern for others, right? Something's going on, they pay attention. Oh, is that person okay? And you can tell it's sincere. They're thinking outside themselves. A lot of times. I mean, there's empaths like me who think outside of ourselves almost too much. Let me be honest. , sometimes I'm like save a little more for myself, but I'm always thinking about how other people feel and I wanna make sure everyone's okay. Speaker 1: (11:05)Stuff like that. But narcissists really genuinely don't care that deeply about other people unless it benefits them or, and they might fake it to get you to give them what they want, right? In certain situations. But you'll be able to tell, it will come out. And again, it's being able to stop and really analyze and be in touch with your body. Like something doesn't feel right about this, something doesn't feel authentic. Sometimes we like kind of dismiss those little red flags and we'd need not to. So trustworthy people demonstrate genuine care and they consider the impact of their actions on others. Where you might hear a narcissist say something like, yeah, whatever, I don't care. I don't care what she thinks, I don't care, right? Like, tough guy over there, I'm so cool and I don't give a. Well, that's cool, except we don't need those people in our lives. Speaker 1: (12:01)We want people who care about others. I mean, it seems simple, but here we are. Here we are, , we've been on this path, I've been down it. So I know you may be going through this and these are things to look out for. Yikes. Here's a big one. This reminds me of if you're watching, if you watched Vanderpump Rules this season, and there's Tom and Arianna, their whole fiasco, and I was kind of like, are we really surprised? Because if you don't know the story, this dude cheated on his girlfriend and everyone made this huge deal of it and it was a huge deal, but I was kind of like, I mean, it's almost as if, as if his track record is clean. So the next one, eight is trustworthiness and past experience. So look at their track record in previous situations. If you know them. Speaker 1: (12:52)Have they demonstrated trustworthiness? It could, that could be relationships work. Like is there a history? You know, but you're excusing away like, oh, that wouldn't happen with me. So basically this dude, Tom had cheated apparently with his current girlfriend now ex but on the show it was his current girlfriend Arianna. And he had apparently also cheated during the relationship earlier. And now he ends up cheating on her with one of her best friends. I wasn't that surprised. Um, he seems like he has a little track record. So sometimes we forget track records. Let's not forget track records. So trustworthy people, they have good track records and sometimes we don't know all people's track records and secrets, but if you know something in someone's past, for me that's, that's just always been a no-brainer. I've never dated someone who openly told me they had cheated or, you know, done something in the past. Speaker 1: (13:54)I haven't, I wouldn't put myself in that situation and not dogging it, but just saying, let's do better for ourselves. Let's not set ourself up like for that. Let's set ourself up for success with people who don't have that track record. Eh, they're out there. Number nine, you can get feedback from others. If you have mutual friends, anybody you know, you know, it's good to say, Hey, have you heard anything about this dude? You know, how is this a good guy? Is this a nice girl? It, it can't hurt to talk to people who have had experiences with the person you are quote evaluating. So their perspectives and observations can provide valuable in insight. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to take their word as gospel, but if you talk to a couple different people and they're both like, that guy's kind of a slime ball, well maybe that's a little jingle jangle in your old warning section of the brain. Speaker 1: (14:52)Now remember, trust is not a binary quality. It is on a, a big old spectrum, right? So it's essential to assess someone's trustworthiness over time and in various contexts before, you know, deciding yay or nay. But it's important to pay attention early on and also know that early on, some people, especially narcissists, will put their fake best face forward. So this is why it can be tough and why you can get sucked in. So I get the nervousness of trusting again, but it's something we have to do. And you, like I said, you're gonna be better at it than you think because you've been through what you've been through each time will get a little easier and you'll know some of the red flags. I mean, if you're working with me, you'll definitely know cuz you'll talk to me and I will tell you, I can sniff these mofos, uh, miles and miles away. Speaker 1: (15:49)Now, um, joking aside, kind of joking, not joking, but that aside also really writing down, you know, things that happened in your previous relationship that you were like, this doesn't seem right, but you ignored. Write that down. When you write something down, it helps just kind of solidify it for me at least. Um, solidify it and make it louder in your brain of like, this is something I need to pay attention to in the future. So writing stuff down definitely helps. And then you could write down what you do want in a person. I want someone who's transparent, who will answer all my questions. I want someone who doesn't cancel on me all the time, whatever it is. So what in the past happened that was a red flag that you kind of dismissed? And what do you want and feels good to you now that you're gonna look for in your future relationships? Speaker 1: (16:44)So that's your homework class dismissed. All right, see you in the next, in the next episode. And if you wanna work one-on-one with me, I will have my link in the show notes. I have a boundaries course in the show notes. I have freebies, like a meditation. I have a new, um, 30 day toxic relationship declutter guide. That is epic. So that's like if you're out of a relationship, how to really like de detox your mind, body, and soul from it. It's so good, so good. So go check that out. And there's a Facebook free, like a private Facebook group that I have. I've got my podcast obviously. So go check out all the show notes, all the things, go have fun and sparkle. Let's do a little affirmation before we go. Okay? Get ready for it. Hands on heart, unless you're driving. All right. I am ready to trust. I am worthy of a healthy relationship. I trust myself cause I'm a queen. Good job, you guys rock. All right, loves you Smooches on doses.
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This week we talk about 4 Tips on learning to trust again after narcissistic abuse.
Want to start your day off feeling amazing?!My EPIC 4 MINUTE empowering meditation is yours, free!
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
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Wanna work with me 1:1? I have ONE spot left open!
https://christyjade.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:Speaker 1: (00:01)Hello. In today's episode, we are going to talk about learning to trust after abuse. I know a lot of you think that's impossible. I'm not gonna say it's super easy or overnight, but yes, you can do it. And I have four lovely, one amazing queen vibe tips. Let's try to make something. Good, right? That's what I like to do. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:26)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:24)All right, look, I get it. I get it. I've been there. I remember choosing a relationship that was not the healthiest and did I stay in it longer than I should have? Yeah, that's why I'm here. But I will say also after that lovely relationship that is sarcasm dripping out of my mouth, I found that I could trust again. And it took some time, it took some work, but we can make that fun. That's why, that's why we're hanging with Christy Jade. We make fun here. Okay, so let's talk about three ways to chip away at that self-doubt of like, can I trust myself to even have a good relationship or can I trust other people? I mean, that person was whack. Are there more whack people out there? Yes, there are. We're gonna get to that. Okay, so number one is surrounding yourself with supportive people, like uplifting people, cheerleaders people who have your back, loyal people, people who don't make you feel small. Speaker 1: (02:25)You may be like, are there those people? Because I, I kind of felt like, are there, I knew some cool people, but I will tell you this, when I truly disconnected from the controlling, complaining, negative people in my life, I started actually attracting people on a whole other caliber. Like super supportive, just sweet, thoughtful. It was so much that I was like, are you just blowing smoke up my? Is this fake? Is the shoe gonna drop? I'm talking even about friendships, but the shoe has not dropped. There are actually some really amazing good healthy people out there. And I feel like a lot of us, if we grew up with some maybe a little chaotic childhoods, if we chose some relationships that maybe kicked our to put it lightly, we think, oh, that's, that's just what's out there. At least for me, I kind of felt like that. Speaker 1: (03:21)I felt like I was used to being abused in ways, mentally, emotionally, even physically. And it was kind of like this bar I had cuz I didn't know what else was out there as far as especially romantic relationships and even just people being close to me not realizing like, oh, there can be people that are really understanding and who don't just have their way or the highway mentality, right? So one of the first things I did as I kind of cleaned out the closet, remember Eminem, that song I'm cleaning out my closet. I always think of that when I think of like my journey when I disconnected from one of the major narcissists in my life, I also cleaned house just of people that I felt weren't really serving or benefiting my life very much. And it wasn't feeling good and I had to walk on eggshells. Speaker 1: (04:14)Like it just all came together and it was a big wave of disconnecting from some people. And it was hard. I'm not gonna lie, but it's sometimes like when you open your eyes and you see something in a whole new way, you can't help but see things as a whole in a new way, right? So this is something that happens. I have a client right now who's going through this that they disconnected from their major player narcissist and started also realizing some of the friendships in her life were not so healthy either. So she's kind of cleaning out her closet. So building new relationships was huge for me. Finding people that talked about not other people, didn't put me down, didn't make me walk on eggshells, didn't make me fear or have worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. We're just good people. I started joining mom groups where I saw people that were actually doing good in the world and trying to be better and do good in the community, self-aware people. Speaker 1: (05:11)I started kind of strategically placing myself in areas where people were healthy individuals and were helping others. That's a great place to start because most people who help others aren't always selfish. Are there some people who do it for the clout and the recognition? Sure, but it's a good place to start. So finding people who are doing good in the world is a great place, right? Another place is just going to, they have like meetup dot coms, Facebook groups, like local Facebook groups of people that share interest, right? So that could be, if you're on self-growth journey, looking for other people in self-growth, maybe it's meditation class, yoga classes, things like that people are doing that are healthy activities. Joining those and finding people is a good start. They're al you may have to do a little screening. Okay, there's, there's always gonna be some crazy old controlling bug in the pack. Speaker 1: (06:10)Is that a thing? A bug in a pack? I make up so much y'all. It's perimenopause. Can I get a what? What? I swear I have perimenopause vocabulary, legit. I just start making words up. Now, I don't know. Welcome to womanhood. So there might be a bad apple or Abu a bug in the pack, A controlling bug, you know about those controlling bugs. So yes, there might be some screening and we're gonna talk about this. My next episode is actually gonna be on how to determine if someone is trustworthy or not. Ooh, I'm excited for that. So surrounding yourself with a good support system is really important to learn to trust. Another thing we've talked about this, but I'm gonna reiterate is listening to your body. So doing the meditation, doing the yoga, being with nature, getting in touch with your own body. Speaker 1: (06:59)Oh, get in touch with your body. But really listening to it, you know, you have intuition, you have prayer, you have the Holy Spirit and Satia, if you're a God person, you do paying attention to what your body is saying, how it's reacting will help you determine if you are feeling safe or not, right? I know we have trauma, so we gotta work through that. Let's go to some therapy if we need to. But in general, we really do have a good intuition. It's a matter of being able to get calm and aware enough to listen to it. So listen to that, listen to that intuition. Number three, which is harder for some of us than others, but setting boundaries. You want to establish clear boundaries to protect yourself from potential harm. So you have to clear, define what is acceptable and what is not. Speaker 1: (07:47)And I do this with like all of my clients in the beginning. We like my long term clients, we start off with, I call it the hell yes, hell no list. Like what is working, what is not? And then creating boundaries from there in your life. Like if something's not working, all right, how can we get it towards working? Or if you need help with, well, I don't know how to tell X, Y, z I don't trust myself. We work on that, right? So if you wanna work with me, go check out my show notes. There are all the ways to work with me, including there is a boundaries pre-recorded epic workshop. It's 10 videos, chalk full of boundary funds. So if you wanna check that out, it, it will be linked. So you wanna communicate your boundaries assertively and be prepared to enforce them. Speaker 1: (08:31)Because if you are dealing with controlling people, if you have to, obviously, you know, my first thing is like get the away from controlling abusive people. But if you can't, I want you to assertively state your boundaries. And if you have to enforce them, you enforce them, right? And you can always walk away. Give yourself permission to walk away if someone is mistreating you. So this can help you regain a sense of control and security when you feel like you like, well I have the control, right? Like, I am able to take this where I wanna take it. You have that power, right? So setting boundaries gives you such empowerment. It is something you probably have to work on. You've been a people pleaser. You've, if you've been abused, it doesn't always come super easy, but I'm telling you, it is a game changer. Speaker 1: (09:20)If you want peace, if you truly want peace and freedom in your life, you have to learn to set boundaries. Like you will not be able to achieve that without it. And you know me, I'm gonna, I'm gonna play it straight. Number four, gradually take small risks. This is, this is the scary one for some of us, but let's be honest, most of us, right? We we're like, risks equals more fear and more problems. But once you are out of your toxic situation, rebuilding trust requires taking those small steps. Start by taking calculated risks. So you don't wanna go like just jump off a cliff with no parachute. I'm not saying that. I'm saying in new relationships or situations be a little vulnerable. And again, I go back to trusting your body and it's kind of a chicken and egg. But we gotta start somewhere. Speaker 1: (10:14)So start the meditation, start the yoga, start just taking walks and being present with yourself. Get that nervous system rebalanced. I do reiki work if you wanna do that. I just had an epic, epic session this week. I will put my reiki calendar up there, or scheduling link there, sign up. It is, it can be life-changing if you let it. That's all I'll say to really rebalance your nervous system. Okay? So those type of things will help you be able to be more in touch with your body and your mind. And you will be able to start feeling a little safer taking those small risks and begin with people who have already shown themselves to be trustworthy in your life. That's where you start to help rebuild it. As you experience more positive interactions, your trust can gradually be rebuilt. And I'm not saying it's gonna happen overnight, but it can happen. Speaker 1: (11:10)It has happened for me and it feels so nice to be able to trust. It's a great feeling, right? It's a very freeing feeling to trust. So let's go through this again, surrounding yourself with supportive people. And you may have to seek this out actively. They're not gonna plop on your doorstep. Wouldn't that be nice though? You're going to set your boundaries, you're going to trust your intuition, and you're going to take those small risks so you can rebuild your trust. So these are four, four things that will really, really set you up to start trusting again. Do not forget to hit the subscribe. Follow whatever button you want. I don't know what it says, but that one that helps you to see my episodes on. But still she thrives because the next episode is going to help you determine if someone is trustworthy or not. Speaker 1: (12:02)So stay tuned. That'll be later this week and go catch up on any other episodes. We've got a lot. We, who's we? Me, myself, and I. Um, I have a lot of awesome content if I don't say so myself. Helpful stuff that has gotten me through my journey and helped now thousands of other people go through theirs. So go, go binge away. And like I said, if you wanna work with me one-on-one, that link is there. There's also the boundaries course. So take your pick and I will see you in the next episode. Don't forget, hand on heart. Not if you're driving. All right, let's do a little affirmation before we go. I will trust again. I am worthy of trusting. I will trust myself again. I am a queen. Yeah, you are. All right, go shine your crown. See you soon.
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Transcript:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello, hello. As a part of our psychological effects of narcissistic abuse series, today we are going to touch on a, a tricky, tough one, which is C P T S D, and that stands for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Stay tuned to dive into some tips and tricks to help deal with it. Speaker 1: (00:23)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with? I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:20)So first of all, I am not a mental health professional, but I can offer some general suggestions on how to cope with complex post-traumatic stress disorder following narcissistic abuse. So first, it is important to remember everyone's experience is unique. So what works for one person may not always work for another. So you try and use these different techniques and methods and see what works for you. And there will be maybe some that don't. And if you're struggling with C PTs D, it's recommended to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and abuse. So they can provide the personalized guidance tailored to your specific needs. Nevertheless, here are some strategies that I myself have used and hopefully will be helpful for you. Number one, educate yourself. So learning about C P T S D and narcissistic abuse is huge. Understanding the dynamics of the relationship and the impact it had on you can be empowering and really validating. Speaker 1: (02:25)That's something for me that was really big, was the validation. I got like, oh wow, this makes so much sense and I felt a lot less either shame, guilt, confused, you know, that blame, that guilt, all of that. So it helps you recognize your experiences are valid and they're not your fault. So I definitely like you're here, you're on my podcast. Maybe look at talks, YouTubes. There's so much information out there to help you really educate yourself on this topic. Number two, establish safety. This can come in all shapes and sizes. So you wanna create a safe environment for yourself, not just physically, but emotionally too. Which I mean everyone should be doing this in life, but especially narcissistic Abu abuse survivors. It's really important for us to like gear up and protect our peace. So this may involve, not may involve, this does involve setting boundaries. Speaker 1: (03:22)Setting boundaries is huge. Removing toxic people from your life. I am such an advocate of clearing the clutter of toxic people. I have an episode on it. I will link in the show notes. Um, but it's really, really important because if you wanna maintain well get peace and then maintain it. You cannot have destructive people in your life. Bottom line, it's just not gonna work, right? So seek temporary separation if necessary or permanent and surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals that you feel safe with. And again, we're not just talking about physical safety. That is yes, very, very important, but also even not having to walk on eggshells. I actually talked about this in my last episode. It was all about walking on eggshells. Many people wrote me, I was surprised at how many people reached out and said this episode really hit them. Speaker 1: (04:17)So I want you guys to take a listen to that. If you have not, I will put that in the show notes as well. It's so important to not be around people that make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells. It is not healthy. And some of us didn't know any better and we thought that's just how some people are and you just accept it. It's part of who they are and their personality. No, it's a no for me. No thanks. And of course self-care. You know what, always talk about this. There's so many episodes about self-care because it is one of the most important things for us to do after we have gone through abuse. Everybody should like have self-care in their life, but we really need to prioritize those self-care activities that promote your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. We need to run the whole gamut, right? Speaker 1: (05:03)And you can do this in bite size, habit changes, right? Adding some more water, lemon water, especially to your diet. You know, eating some more greens, it sounds like, simple stuff. But a lot of us really neglect ourselves, our bodies, our minds, our own wishes because we have been under the thumb of a narcissist. So when you finally get out, it's time to retrain ourselves, how to treat ourselves. Also, make sure you are moving that body. Get outta your head, get into your body. I cannot stress that enough. It is so important to move your body. Have regular exercise. And of course all of my relaxation techniques. I love meditation, yin yoga, deep breathing. These things may sound simple, but they can be absolutely life changing, especially if you're doing them on a regular basis. There is no way it cannot change all three parts of you as far as emotional, physical, and mental. Speaker 1: (05:59)As I mentioned in the beginning of this, seeking therapy is very important. If you have C P T S D and you're not working with a therapist, I do highly recommend that someone who specializes in trauma. So make sure they know what they are talking about when it comes to trauma, that is the most important thing. So get check your resources basically, right? They can provide a safe space for you to process these experiences and develop coping mechanisms and working through the impact of abuse. So cognitive behavior therapy, em d r, which is eye movement, desensitation and reprocessing say that five times fast. So we call it EMDR or dialectical behavior therapy may also be beneficial. So these are things you want to cross-Check that whatever therapist you choose has experience with trauma and also can perform these techniques. Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. Speaker 1: (06:58)Number five is really important. You have to build a support network connecting with others who have experienced this type of abuse or C P T S. Both all of the above is really important. So you can get this through online support groups, forums. I personally love in-person things for support, but it depends on, you know, you, your personality. Like I said, extreme introverts may be a little shy, especially in the beginning with this sort of thing. Um, so you could start online and kind of graduate to in person or just throw yourself out there and be brave. So sharing your story though and hearing from other about their stories can be so healing and really help you kind of accelerate your healing journey. Some. Mm, you know how I feel about giving yourself hugs. Do it. I'm want you to do it right now. If you're not driving, I want you to give yourself a big fat hug cuz number six is practicing self-compassion. Speaker 1: (07:56)You need to be patient and very kind to yourself through this healing process. Recognize your healing from narcissistic abuse. It will take time. But I wanna remind you it is doable and you got this okay? And if you wanna work with me one-on-one, check the show notes. I can help you accelerate your journey, right? But it is normal to have ups and downs and you have to have that self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same understanding and care you would to a loved one cuz you are a loved one. Okay? I hope you're still holding that hug. Mm. Say I love you. Me, I love you. Me, yes, Queens need love. This is a fun one. Number seven, engaging in grounding techniques. So these can help you bring your focus back to the present moment. Because with CPTs D woo, we know about some flashbacks you can get so overwhelmed by those flashbacks, the intrusive thoughts, right? Speaker 1: (08:54)The ruminating thoughts we call 'em. They go over and over and just you feel stuck in your mind. So grounding can include deep breathing exercises using your senses to notice your, your surroundings. So you could stop and say, okay, find four things that are green, or find four things that are shaped like an oval. Or I'm going to use my touch sense and find three different textures. I'm gonna smell and see if I can smell some delicious strawberry donuts. Is that just me? But you get the point. So using your senses really brings you into the moment. It's one of my favorite things for myself, but also for my daughter. And it really works well for her. So again, you try these things out and see what works best for you and what you might wanna hit. Pass on. Another grounding technique is just that you ground your feet in the naked soil of that earth or water or stick your feet on a tree. Speaker 1: (09:54)I don't care. I want your feet touching something that is natural. We have, I don't know, we've disconnected ourselves so much between, ugh, just putting our faces in our phones and not peeing as much and wearing thick sold shoes. Oh my gosh, you guys, I had these amazing platform sneakers. Anyone else? Anyone else have that as a teen? I'm 43, so maybe I'm aging myself, but I used to have three inch thick platforms. I used to rock love those total side tangent, but I'm kind of joking about that part. But it is important to get out in nature and really have your naked feet out there. Put them in. Think about at the beach, part of the beautiful beach experience is your feet in the sand because you are literally connected to Mama Earth and she's a big queen and you're a queen. So you're hanging out together, celebrating your queendom through your feet and your sand. Speaker 1: (10:48)So I want you, this is your homework actually, if we're gonna do homework, if you've never grounded, I want you to go find an area that is free of sharp debris, . Whether it's sand, if you live near a beach, whether it is, yeah, I mean, if you have to drive a little bit, go drive. What else are you doing? Come on, take me with you. Go to a beach, go to the woods, go to, you can go out in your backyard, you can go to water is my healing energy. I will be honest. Talk about like customizing your plan. My biggest grounding is putting my feet in the water. I just love it. So find a body of water, make sure it's not contaminated with nastiness. But you get my point. Find somewhere you can put your feet in. This is your homework. I want you to check back. Speaker 1: (11:34)I want you to email me. I'll put my email in the in the show notes there. It's always there. And I want you to tell me where you grounded this week. Find a grounding spot. And I would like you to ground your feet somewhere special for 20 minutes and see how you feel after. Check in before say, what's my level? And you should try it when you're actually like stressed out or feeling a little, eh. And then I want you to go ground yourself and I want you to do one to 10 before. Pick your number and one to 10 after. How do you feel? Practice this little exercise and get back to me. Now this one, I find some of my clients love, like super love and some of them were like, not my. So number eight, consider journaling. Writing in a journal can be a very helpful tool. Speaker 1: (12:21)I'm a hu I've been writing since I was like outta the womb. So this is one of my jams. But it really is a great way to process your thoughts and emotions. It allows you to express yourself freely, right? I just, I just think of it as like, just let your brain go. Just write. Don't think about it. Don't think about what you're writing. Just free write and you gain insight into your experiences because it's almost like you're subconscious when you let it go like that. And you're not editing what you're saying or holding back, it's just you in that pen. And sometimes it takes practice to get so free, but it's just like your subconscious starts to pour out and you're like, wow, you might realize something you didn't even know about yourself just by doing this practice. So I recommend it. It's not for everybody, but give it a go. Speaker 1: (13:07)Give all these things a go. And you can also, in your emails to me this week, I wanna, I wanna see a lot of emails, okay? I want you to tell me where you're grounding your big toe and which of these techniques do you feel really resonates with you and will be the most beneficial? Hit me up at Fierce Mama. See at Gmail. But I'll put in the show notes if you wanna work with yours truly. I obviously have my own experience. I have a lot of tools to help you. You can find my one-on-one coaching session link in the show notes. So if you wanna set up a call, let's do it. And I look forward to hearing from you. See you in the next episode. Oh wait, you thought you were gonna get away with not doing some affirmations? All right, we're gonna do Hand on the Heart. I think more people need to hear this one. We're gonna say this again even though we've said it, and maybe two episodes. But it's a very important for us to hear my feelings matter. My feelings are important. I know my truth. Speaker 2: (14:20)Hmm. Speaker 1: (14:20)Hope that felt good. I am with you. Okay, I am with you. I will see you in the next episode and have a beautiful day.
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Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello. Hello. Today's episode's gonna be a little more casual, a little unplanned, a little cross your fingers. Let's hope something good comes out of this. Just kidding. Stay tuned. We're gonna dive into walking on eggshells. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:14)So this is something I definitely went through with the narcissist in my life and every client I've had, every person I've had reach out. This tends to be something we all have in common, that with the narcissist, you are basically trained to have to walk on eggshells. Why? I don't know. Because the, the more you may go against them or not agree with them or just do what you want to do, the worse the consequences are, whether that's emotional, physical, whatever type of abuse. And this honestly could go for any type of a abuse, not just narcissistic abuse, but especially with narcissists. Man, it is their way or the highway. And we learn that we have to sacrifice our own wants, our own needs in order to placate them. I grew up pretty scared of somebody in my life. I grew up, I'll be honest, terrified because I was scared if I said the wrong thing made the wrong move, that person would explode. Speaker 1: (02:25)And it was a very scary experience. Every day I had to walk around on eggshells, right? That's a saying, walking on eggshells. And this was all, I honestly knew. I didn't realize the severity of how it would impact my entire life moving forward, even after I wasn't in this narcissist life anymore. So today we're gonna talk about how to change your mindset because it's not just kind of like, oh, here's a tip to not have to walk on eggshells, right? Like it's a whole mindset shift. So I thought, let's dig into it. I don't, like I said, I don't really have bullet points here, but I'm just gonna talk about my experience, what helped me and it, I'm so passionate about this. I may do another episode on it, but I just wanted to just have, have like a heart to heart with you guys about this because this is, something comes up, like I said, my clients are like, oh, I have to walk on eggshells. Speaker 1: (03:21)And then it bleeds into our lives. So when we are even out of the relationship, whether it's someone in your childhood, whether it's a romantic situation, you have really been conditioned to sacrifice your wants and needs. And we have these fears built in now of upsetting the narcissist. Yes. But it bleeds into our life of we now are often afraid of conflict. In my experience, I will say this, I'm a bold, fierce lady, okay? I've always had a stronger personality. So for me, this showed up just with a certain type of personality. I had no trouble with certain people saying, Hey, this is how I feel. But it was only people I felt safe with. The thing is, when you have grown up and are around narcissists, there can be a likelihood that you will attract and be comfortable with selfish people or people who are their way or the highway, because you are used to that personality, right? Speaker 1: (04:26)So we, and we're empathetic, right? A lot of narcissists will pick the empathetic, sensitive, I know how to pull your heartstrings type people so we can attract those people in our lives, right? It's not our fault. We're freaking awesome, but it, it can be a thing. So shining a light on the knowledge that you are afraid of having conflict, maybe it's only with certain type of people or certain personalities. A looking at that and saying, I know why I'm like that and I want to change that is like a first step, wanting to change something, like realizing it. I didn't realize it until I was out of the situation and was like, wow, I thought I was so fierce and bold, but let me look at my relationships with this person, this person, this person. There was some people in my life that I was really afraid and got that visceral reaction of nervousness to bring anything up to them. Speaker 1: (05:24)Whether it was just a dim difference in opinion, or if they said, we're going here at 10 o'clock, and I was like, man, I, I really wanna go at 12 cuz X, Y, z. I'd be afraid to say that because I knew I would get quote punished, right? Narcissist or selfish. People can often controlling people, I'll say, can often punish us for not doing exactly what they want, when they want, right? So that happened with a friend of mine where we were supposed to go somewhere. Let's say it was 11. She called the morning of and said, Hey, can we go an hour earlier? And I said, oh, we won't be ready by then. I, I think we had to drive, we weren't living in town something. There was something there where I was like, there, there's no way we could get there. And she said, oh, well then I'll just take my other friend. Speaker 1: (06:11)And those, those are signs of people that honestly they're not for me. We can all choose our own friends, but that is a personality I don't want. It was almost like, well if it's not convenient for me anymore, she last minute changed the time. And then because I couldn't do that kind of quote, punished me, I look at it, at it as it ended up being a punishment here, I had told my daughter we were going on this trip with them and then she canceled, right? Same thing happened with a friend we were supposed to go on a trip with. I told my daughter it was to Disney and then she said Nevermind. She was gonna invite her neighbors that were closer in age because it wouldn't be fun to have my daughter who is a little younger, two years and five years I think younger than her kids to do that. Speaker 1: (07:01)Like it wouldn't be as fun or convenient basically. And that I was, I was really upset by that. And this is, these are just examples of things for me that I'm just not here for anymore. This, these are people that are looking out for themselves. I'm not saying this particular person was a narcissist. I'm just saying when we are used to narcissistic people, we are used to selfish people. We're used to people that wanna do what's good for them and don't really compromise all of that sort of thing, right? So here comes the mindset shift. This is like these people, these types of people. When you get that reaction, when you feel like you are afraid to bring something up and it's strong, it might be the person that you're dealing with, right? It might be this isn't a great person to be in your life if you feel like they're gonna have a big reaction or punish you for having a different mindset or a different idea or not being able to do exactly what they want. Speaker 1: (08:01)On the other hand, if you're straight out of an narcissistic situation, you may have fears all together about upsetting anybody because you're just so used to that, right? So you do have to kind of discern the difference. But this is where you will have to push yourself a little. This is where the work comes in, right? We talk about the work of healing. This is an example when you feel that nervousness, especially if it's not the strong one you might get with certain personalities, but let's say it's with someone you like and know and trust, but you're like, I don't wanna cause a problem, right? This is where you do have to push yourself. And there are ways to say things nicely out of love where you can have these conversations like, you know, setting boundaries, bringing things up that you know, maybe someone has done something and you wanna bring it up. Speaker 1: (08:53)You can bring it up in a gentle way. Here is where the mindset shift is, okay? You have to know the people that are on your team, the people that want the best for you, they are going to have a healthy conversation with you. And that's what I don't think I realized because I had grown up with some unhealthy people in my life where conversations weren't healthy. So I didn't really know that existed till later in life, right? Like my husband is a prime example of somebody who can have a very healthy conversation. Will people get defensive? We're human. Yes. But there's a difference between getting like a little defensive right away if you bring something up cuz no one wants to hear like, oh this thing bothered me. Of course it doesn't feel good, but it's like, oh okay. They might, you know, seem a little taken aback, but it's what they do with that and how they handle it. Speaker 1: (09:47)And I'm telling you, there are great amazing people in the world that can have healthy conversations. I think when we've gone through abuse, when we had certain people around us in our lives, it's kind of like, that's all we know. And for me, that's what I believed was out there. And there was a whole idea of, oh well I've known this person for so long, so, and that's just them like excusing it. I will be honest, when I cut the narcissist out of my life, it was a total shift for me because I realized how much better I felt in my body. I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't walking on eggshells. I had peace that I had never felt in my entire life. And I was like, I want more of this feeling. And I started to see there were a few other people in my life that were causing me that same feeling of feeling scared, of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. Speaker 1: (10:46)And I was like, homey, don't wanna play that anymore. So homey didn't play that anymore. Was that a hard thing to do? Yes. I I, I don't recommend doing it all in the same day or anything, but um, having conversations about this, bringing this up, it will highlight who is a healthy individual and who is not. And if someone has a really bad reaction, it just gets worse and worse. That's not a fit for me, queen. It's not a fit for you either. It shouldn't be cuz you are here on my podcast because you want peace and you want freedom when you have to tiptoe or walk on eggshells around friends, family, romantic partner because you are afraid of their reactions that shows you do not have the right people in your life. And if it's a thing where you're just nervous about making anyone upset, that, like I said, you have to push yourself to have these conversations and do it anyway to see the response and then you evaluate from there. Speaker 1: (11:50)And you know, there are people out there. I'm telling you on the other end of this, I have a, a whole new set of friends and uh, I still have a lot of old friends. It wasn't like I had all horrible friends or anything. Um, but I do, I have new friends that I met later in my life in the last five, six years even, um, that are so uplifting that don't talk, people that don't gossip that I am not afraid to have a conversation with. We've had tough conversations. Sometimes we might say, oh, they might bring something up to me. I might bring something up to them. It's not often cuz we're all awesome queens and I'm just kidding. But if something comes up, it's like I'm not afraid and they're not afraid. We just talk to each other about it and move on. Speaker 1: (12:38)You know, it seems like what it should be. But I didn't really know that existed until later in life, especially with like close friends, right? I kind of thought, oh, you're close, you're gonna have problems. There's gonna be drama. I have had, I would what? I would not categorize any of my things with friends as drama. I don't have drama in my life like that anymore. And I used to, I used to have friend drama until I, I cut 'em all out. Um, because, and it, it sounds cold and I get that because now I'm on the other end of it. I will tell you, it was devastating to me even to have to cut people outta my life that I had been friends with for, oh gosh, half my life in some cases. But it just wasn't working anymore. It was devastating. You know, I'm human. Speaker 1: (13:27)I did shed a tear or two over some relationships. It's still a loss, but no, it's scarier than like getting a bad response from somebody or like being so afraid in those moments. Now it's scarier to me to not have my peace. And it's like once you have this sort of, this level of peace in your life, I'm terrified to not have it. You know? It's like, so I get to control that now. And you get to too, I get to decide who is allowed in my space. I get to decide who I spend my time with, you know? And it, it's become a lot more clear to me and I listen to my body, you know, all of this yoga, meditation, this really helps you get more in tuned with your body. And if you listen to your body, it's gonna tell you if somebody is good for you in your life or not. Speaker 1: (14:20)You know, e I can think even when I was dating a not so great guy back in the day, in my twenties, my body told me all the time, but I just ignored it. I'm like, but I love him, right? The good times are so good. But overall I was, I, I wasn't comfortable. I didn't feel good overall. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at time trying to get more like approval or something. It was just like not healthy at all. So you have to listen to your body and if you're walking on eggshells with everybody, you know, you should get therapy. You could or you could work with me. We can work on that stuff. That's something that is something you can fix, right? I have worked with clients working through that, just that they have low self-esteem or they feel like they have to prove their worth or they're scared because of their past situations. Speaker 1: (15:17)We can work through that. But again, if you're brave enough, you can start those conversations. You can have gentle conversations where you may say, you know, I'm changing. And I like, for example, I had a friend and I felt like she wasn't being so nice raising her voice at me, stuff like that. And I had changed and I don't accept people yelling at me anymore, right? Like I did my whole life until a few years ago. So I said, I really, I just, I don't wanna be talked down to or yelled at. And she had said, well, I can't help it. And that was kind of the beginning of the end there. A little more happened. But it was this light bulb in my head of like, that sucks. And maybe she can't, but that doesn't mean I have to take it. It's something I have decided I don't want in my life. Speaker 1: (16:08)I can't brush off being yelled at. I went through my life being yelled at and I just, I want peace, I want calm, I want, I mean peace. That's like the best word to describe it. You get to decide that and you have to know you're worth it and that it's out there. So there's two factors. It's building up your self-confidence and your self-worth of like, I know I deserve better. I know I deserve friends that make me feel good and don't make me feel scared and like I have to walk on eggshells or I know I deserve a partner that treats me well and can have healthy conversations. And then there's the aspect of, you know, pushing yourself. And yes, you may have to have hard conversations and you may distance relationships or you may disconnect completely from people. But again, for me on the other side, I can tell you it is so much scarier to stay in those relationships and have to walk on eggshells then to imagine my life now without the peace I have. Speaker 1: (17:05)Ugh, peace is, peace is underrated, man. No, it's just when you have peace, your whole, your whole body changes, your, your whole life changes. When you get to having this level of peace, it's, it's like blissful. Is there that happens? Yes. My life is not perfect. I have problems like anybody else. Things come up, external things that I can't control happen. But you have such a different perspective and my stress level is so much less than when I lived in that constant fear on top of everything else that goes on in the world, right? Like there's already enough out there guys. We don't need to add a layer of always feeling like we're afraid to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing or upset somebody. Here's another news flash. We can't please everybody. We can't make everybody happy. We can't save everybody and we're not going to be able to make everyone happy all the time. Speaker 1: (18:00)And we may upset people, we may hurt people like it's human. And if we do be accountable, apologize, have a healthy conversation, do better the next time we're growing. So you can't be perfect and living in fear is the worst way to live. It's just the worst way. So that's, that's kind of, I guess my ramble today. It was pretty rambly. But welcome to me. And I want you guys though to really understand that mindset of like, I deserve better and I know more is out there. And, and if you're not there yet, try to believe that. Put that into your affirmations every day. I know there are healthy people that would love to be in my life. I'm gonna surround myself with healthy, uplifting people, those type of affirmations every single day. And watch this, this works. I did it . So I don't know, I just really felt it on my heart to share this message today. Speaker 1: (18:52)I hope it helps you. I hope it gives you a little bit of faith. Sometimes it helps to see someone on the other side. I can vouch there are amazing people and it's only because I dropped out the people that were stifling me and opened my world up and like opening up and making space for people that were uplifting and are healthier for me. And I cannot tell you the joy and the peace it has brought me. And I want that for all of you guys. So anyway, we will see you in the next episode and let's end with some affirmations. Maybe we'll do a little bit of, uh, I am deserving of healthy relationships. Now you say it. And I am full of joy and peace. Speaker 1: (19:44)And of course we'll end with I am a queen, a queen of peace, right? All right, I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, today is the last day to sign up. Actually, I'll extend it to Friday tomorrow, just in case you hear this a little later. You're on the other side of the world or something. But I will extend it through Friday. But it is the last time I will be offering my special pricing on a one-on-one coaching session and my blueprint for the journey to piece program. It is only $97 down from 200. It will not go this low again. So I wanna throw that out there if you're looking to work with me in some capacity, definitely you wanna sign up for this. I will put the link in my show notes, a k, a podcast description. So go check it out. Join, I'd love to help you and work with you. Have a beautiful day.
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TRANSCRIPT
FINAL But Still She Thrives Ep 34 Am I the Toxic One - The Answer You May Not Expect Speaker 1 00:00Today is a juicy topic. Am I the toxic one? I have been asked that. I see it all over narcissistic Facebook pages. People wanna know, am I the toxic one? And I've got some answers for you. Speaker 1 00:16Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mindf? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1 01:14I am so excited to do this episode because A, we often will be made out to be the crazy one, the toxic one, right? The narcissist in our life will put blame on us. We know that. But once we get out and we're on the other side, especially, we may say, Hey, maybe I wasn't all these things. So I'm gonna dig in. There's two answers to this. There's a no, none of this is your fault and you are not the narcissist. Like if you are even asking, am I the narcissist, you're probably not because narcissists are not self-aware. They don't even think they could be a narcissist. So the odds of that are very low. Do you have any toxic traits by nature or that have been formed because of your relationship? Maybe. So let's dig in. So like I said, the fact you're here, you're trying to learn, you're trying to grow, is a very not narcissistic trait, right? Speaker 1 02:11It's also a not so toxic person trait. Does that mean you are free of any toxic tendencies that may be due to toxic relationships in your childhood, in your romantic hood, in your friendships, whatever it is that you learned or used as a response to someone else's toxic trait? Maybe. So we're gonna ask some questions. You can ask these questions to yourself and be honest, truly dig in. If you wanna figure out am I the toxic one? Do I have any toxic traits, right? The first one, are you only concerned with yourself? So this is a big narcissistic trait and it can be a toxic person trait. In general. Are you concerned with yourself? Are you self-absorbed? Everything's all about you. Everything always comes back to talking about you or your feelings, whatever, whatever odds are. If you are with a narcissist, you are probably sort of the opposite, A people pleaser. Speaker 1 03:07But once you are out of this situation or nearing getting out, you may start to build up that confidence and start to say, Hey, what about me? And that's great. I love that you're a queen. Do more of that. And at some point though, the the pendulum may swing the other way where you get like, wow, this is my time and it is your time. You get that self-care, but don't lose your, the sweet part of you, right? Like don't lose that caring for other people. Don't throw other people under the bus. All of that. You wanna still have that balance. But yes, it's time for that self-care and that does not mean selfish. There is a difference. Self-care is not selfish. So asking yourself, am I selfish in general, digging into that, if you are all about you and selfish, you can get help. Speaker 1 03:54There are ways to get out of that. You can seek therapy, read self-help books on how to start having more empathy or sympathy and caring more about others. The next question, do you always think you are right? Think about this. In any conflict that comes up with your romantic partner, with friends, with family members, do you ever say, Hey, you know, that might be my fault, or Hey, I'm sorry, I could totally see even though maybe I didn't tend it that way. I see how that could hurt you and I'm really, really sorry. Or hey, yeah, I jacked up, right? Think about, are you always right in an argument in conflict? If so, you have to dive into that. That is a very narcissistic trait. Doesn't mean you're a narcissist if you have trouble saying, sorry, not always. Again, that can be part of something else. Speaker 1 04:46Other disorders or can be related to trauma, whatever it is, it is somewhat of a toxic trait, right? Because you want to be able to say, Hey, I recognize I'm not perfect and that's okay and I'm gonna be accountable and I'm gonna say I'm sorry and I don't wanna hurt the people in my life. I don't have to always be right. This is a good one. Do you manipulate people to get what you want? Is that a pattern in your life? That is a, a very, very clear sign of narcissism. That is one of the ones for me, is like a huge red flag When I meet people, if there is any manipulation or coercion, not minding other people's feelings, but all about, again, that goes back to narcissist a lot are all about themselves and having control, right? So they will control others, they will do whatever they need to manipulate, gaslight, lie, whatever they need to do to get what they want. Speaker 1 05:44So ask yourself, do I have a pattern of manipulating people or coercing people or trying to get people to do what I want all the time? If so, that is definitely toxic unless you're in, in the courtroom, cuz that's part of your job, . But if that bleeds out into your personal life, even if you are a lawyer, that is something you should definitely work on and seek help for. Are you always angry? Step back and think, am I always angry and taking it out on other people, right? We're gonna have emotions, we're gonna have anger, we're gonna have sadness, we're gonna have joy, we're gonna have all these emotions. But what is it that you do with it counts, right? And if you are angry all the time, that doesn't necessarily mean you're a narcissist or a toxic person. It could be due to you having resentment because you were the victim of abuse. Speaker 1 06:32But what's important is to go get the help to release that negative energy. Okay? So getting therapy for something like that is really important. But think about, yes, that's a toxic trait, especially if you are taking it out on other people. And a lot of narcissists, they do have a lot of anger inside. They have a lot of depression. There's a lot of really dark feelings inside of a narcissist buried. Some are buried very deeply, but they come out in the form of treat mistreating other people, right? So are you mistreating other people due to your own emotions? If so, that can be a sign of narcissism, it can be a sign of many other things. And again, any of these traits, if they're coming up and they're, you're saying yes to these, it's time to get that help. That can be, you know, you can self-learn with books and podcasts, but you can also get accelerated help. Speaker 1 07:22And what I love in my life is therapy or coaching this. This one, I want you to think deep here because codependency is a thing. This may hit more people than any of the others. If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse and you're like, am I the toxic one? Something that happens to us as victims is codependency. And sometimes that can radiate where we actually then become codependent in other relationships. And even if we're disconnected from another situation, we seek out codependent relationships in friendships, in romantic ships. So you have to ask yourself, are you trying to make a new friend or a new boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever, someone in your life, are you trying to set it up so you are kind of codependent on each other? Are you trying to get someone all to yourself? This can come up more, I would say, more than a lot of these others, other things, even though you may not intentionally be doing it. Speaker 1 08:28I want you to think about this one. Are you in some way coercing? Whether it's intentional or not saying, oh no, don't go out with her. I had a friend like this and I don't think it was ill intended. And I thought at the time it was sweet, right? I was used to kind of co-dependent relationships in my life. And she would say things like, oh, you don't need to go out with such and such. You have me. Come on, we're all, we're all we need, da, da, da, right? Like Bonnie and Clyde. And it felt good to feel special. And I don't think she was doing it intentionally, but she constantly did that to a point I started to feel really weird. I'm like, I'm an extrovert with a lot of friends and I do want other friends and I don't wanna be isolated with just one best friend in my life. Speaker 1 09:11So if you notice that someone's doing that to you, it's time to be aware of that, that that is not healthy. It seems fun and it's, it's great to have a best friend, but to only have like one person in your life is a sign that of codependency, which is not healthy. And if you are on the other end and you're saying, oh wait, I kind of do do that. I didn't realize it. Well now you realize it. Yay. Don't we love self-awareness? Woohoo. So you can start to step away from that start to, once you look at something, you start healing and you start to be able to change it, right? So think about it. Think about your relationships in your life. Again, this could be family members, this could be your best friend, this could be your romantic partner. When your romantic partner, let's say, wants to go do something, do you guilt trip them? Speaker 1 10:01Oh, but I want you to spend time with me, da da, da. Right? Why is that? That's coming from some insecurity in you. Unless there's some big pattern and they're out like every day and don't spend any time with you. But think about that and stop doing it, queen. It's not a good look. All right? Do you humiliate your partner or others especially, I mean at all is like, don't do that, girl, don't do that. But do you do it in front of other people? That is a big sign. That is a narcissistic trait I have seen where they feel really good to put someone down. Like it builds them up somehow to put others down, especially in front of other people. It's a control. Weird tactic. I hate it. It's gross, it's yucky. I have a family member that does this and it, oh, it just cringe, cringe. Speaker 1 10:49Cringes me. Every time I see it, it's like, oh look, look, I'm gonna embarrass my wife, right? It's just really gross. But do you do that? Do you? And they play it off as a joke, right? There's nothing funny about being mean or disrespectful or humiliating somebody in front of other people or at all. But think about that. That is a toxic trait. And these might even just be bringing things up. If you're listening here to my podcast, usually it's because you're a victim of narcissistic abuse or some type of abuse, right? So this may be coming up as, oh my gosh, my person did that, you know, or I have a friend who does that all the time. Guess what? That not okay. And the whole, oh, I'm just joking, I'm just joking. No, I, and I'm one, I have tough skin, okay? Speaker 1 11:34I've got very thick skin. But when there's a pattern, and I had a friend like this too that would always make fun of me, like little jabs and, and I took it, I have very thick skin, but at one point they made fun of a physical feature of mine in front of a bunch of people. And that was the last time, we'll just say that fierce Christy here. I don't tolerate that, right? Other things, it was more like funny kind of embarrassing stories, but a story I would tell anyway, you know? And it was a frequent thing that this person would do. But when it came to like basically making fun of a physical feature that I could not change and didn't wanna change cuz God loves me as me, um, that hit way differently. And I saw then the pattern and was like, none of this is okay. Speaker 1 12:21I'm realizing now she gets a rise out of this. You know? So we had a conversation. She of course did not respond well. And that can happen too, right? How do people respond when you do bring something to their attention that, so you can also ask this question, which I didn't have written down here, but how do I respond when someone comes to me with a concern or hurt? How do I respond? Do I say, I'm sorry you feel that way, da da da. You try to explain and talk it through, or do you get defensive right away? So being really defensive, that does not mean you're a narcissist. First of all, a lot of people get defensive in life. It never feels good for someone to come at us with a criticism. But healthy people can stop, even if at first you get defensive can take a minute and say, okay, let me process this. Speaker 1 13:07Let's talk this out, right? But if you have a pattern of responding with that, like, I can't believe you're coming at me with this. Oh my God, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then not taking accountability, like we talked about earlier, that's, that is a toxic thing. So where do you stand in that? Or maybe you're on the other end where you're like, woo, thank God I'm out of that situation where that person never came or when I came to them, never came back at me with love and respect. And in general, do you treat people poorly? How do you treat weight stuff? How do you treat the mailman? How do you treat people walking by in the grocery store that accidentally bump your cart? You know, do you treat people nicely and kindly and give them grace? We all have our moments, right? We're human. Speaker 1 13:52But in general, do you treat people nicely? A lot of narcissists, they may on the surface seem charismatic and friendly, but if you watch them very closely, they will mistreat people. And you will see the arrogance come out mostly, most times. Now, these last two are more like common. If you are the victim of narcissistic abuse, this can be a result. So are you a Debbie Downer? And are you in that victim mindset? And this can happen, and I get it, I do understand, but you do have to work on this. And this is stuff I love to work on with my clients, taking them from feeling like a victim to feeling empowered and like, f this, I got this, nobody's gonna change my life and make me negative. Nancy over here, Debbie Downer, negative Nancy, all the names, because I get to take my control back and I want a life of peace and joy. Speaker 1 14:42So it's shifting that mindset and I love doing that. So this can be a result of your situations, right? Then do something about it. I'm a doer, I'm an action taker as my clients are. If you're not gonna wanna take action and you wanna wallow in what happened and feel sorry for yourself, which I get it. I mean, I feel sorry for all of us, right? But we gotta do something about it because life is too short to sit and roll around in it and not do anything and not step forward at all. You know? And there is a time period, there is a grace period where you can really release all that and let it out and let it go. And then it's time to say, okay, what do I want? Now I do, I know what I don't want. Who do I wanna be now 2.0 me. Speaker 1 15:25Okay? So yes, if you're a Debbie Downer, that could be a cause, like a, a result. I mean, that could be a result. So get some help, holler at me, look at my show notes, set up a call with me. And the second part of that in kind of similar is do you not fix problems? And this is, I mean, just all around, and this can be a narcissistic trait in this sense of somebody who doesn't want to fix or work on themselves. Narcissists are not self-aware. Generally there, there's such a tiny population of them that will actually say, Hey, I might be a narcissist or I might have a problem. Narcissists generally will not admit unless they're desperate in trying to get you back and have crocodile tears along with it and it's momentary. So there's that narcissistic part. But in general, I'm also saying, if you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse or any abuse, but you're not doing anything about it, that will become a toxic trait because you will get more anxiety, more depression, less motivation, all those things. Speaker 1 16:26And that is, again, what I do with my clients, is really taking you from that surviving to thriving like we are undoing damage that has been done. So if you sit in it and you decide, like there are people that are like, oh, well yeah, I wanna get help, but you know, I, I can't afford it because you know, I'm, I'm getting my grande coffees every day and I just can't afford coaching or therapy right now. That's you prioritizing something else besides your healing. So you say you wanna heal, but your actions aren't showing that that's a you thing and you're not fixing the problem. You can mask it, you can mask it with, you know, alcohol. You can mask it with distractions and going out. You can mask it with going on vacations. You can mask it with so many things, but you're not gonna fix the problem until you heal, take action, releasing physically the negative effects mentally doing mindset work. Speaker 1 17:21And it's fun with me. So I highly recommend myself. All right, this is getting long. So we gotta go, we gotta roll. But hopefully that helps you. Most likely you are not the narcissist if you are even asking that. Are you the toxic one? Most likely, no. Are there some things that may have come out of this that could be toxic traits? I would, I don't even know if I'd call 'em traits, just things that have developed maybe, but you get to undo them. That's the beautiful part, right? And you're here, so that shows something. So good job queen. You are so worthy of turning your life around. You are amazing and you are beautiful and you have more control than you think. Okay? I'll see you in the next episode. Don't forget to subscribe and join my free Facebook group. Look at the show notes. There's lots of juicy stuff there. There's even my freebie. You get a free meditation, I'm gonna be adding more freebies. So look out for those. Hopefully next week I'll have a couple more up. I wanna give you all the fun free things. So yay, always check the show notes and I'll see you later. -
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello, my beautiful queen Bees. Today we're talking more about the effects of narcissistic abuse. If you are jumping in new here, welcome. We are doing this whole series on the effects of narcissistic abuse, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, all of fun. So stick around for how to help heal anxiety and fear after narcissistic abuse. Speaker 1: (00:26)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with? I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:23)All right, so we know surviving, narcissistic abuse can take a lot of courage and resilience, but the journey toward healing does not end once the relationship is over. Once you've disconnected, often survivors are left grappling with anxiety and fear that linger long after the abuse has ended. So these emotional wounds can be very overwhelming, but it's essential to remember that healing is possible, right? Having that faith has been a big part of my journey. So today we're gonna explore strategies to help you navigate and overcome some of those anxieties and fears. Empowering you to reclaim that inner strength. Cuz girl, I see it. I know it's there. Let's do this. First of all, you have to validate your feelings, right? It's the first step really, in any form of abuse, acknowledging it and saying, yes, yes, this was abuse, this was bad. It's okay that I have these effects, these psychological effects, whatever sort of effects, it's okay and it's normal in this situation that I'm in, right? Is this situation a common thing? No. We are warriors who have survived some of the craziest type of abuse out there. So it's okay to validate your feelings. These people made us feel completely crazy, like things were our fault. Like we were crazy, like we were perceiving things incorrectly, that we were just paranoid, that we were sensitive, you know, all the things they called us. Okay? So you're out of it. I want you to breathe. Put your hand to your heart and say, my feelings are valid. I'm serious. I'm gonna give you a moment. Speaker 1: (03:06)Really s just suck it all in. Like it's okay. It's okay that there may be some resistance there too. This is why I'm big on affirmations, repeating these things daily in the morning before you go to bed. My feelings are valid, is a really important affirmation for people who have gone through such abuse. Another standard, I did it myself, is seeking professional help. This stuff is hard to go through alone. I highly suggest reaching out to myself of course, because this is what I do. Very specific to this type of abuse. I have a lot of knowledge, a lot of experience, and it's fun to work with me. So yay. Or a therapist, I always will say a therapist who has experience in their own lives with narcissism is going to be very beneficial. Okay? So someone who specializes in trauma and abuse, great, but narcissistic abuse, it is different. Speaker 1: (04:05)And I do think it's important to try to seek out a professional who has the experience with narcissism. So whether it's me or a therapist, somebody there to help you understand narcissism further. Not only that, but helping, keeping you accountable every week to be doing this work because it, it can be tiring. But that's why in my programs, whether you do one-on-one or with my upcoming course, it's always going to be, this doesn't have to be so heavy and so hard. We'll have our moments. But this is really on building our, our self-esteem back and doing fun things and doing the meditation and making it lighter and happier and, and bringing peace and joy into your life in a fun way. So if you can get that from someone else or myself, that is fabulous, but have someone supporting you, you definitely need that along this journey. Speaker 1: (05:04)The third thing is practicing self-care. So engaging in self-care activities is crucial for your wellbeing. Focusing on nurturing your physical, emotional, and mental health, right? So you can do this kind of, I call it sparkle by sparkle. Focusing on one thing at a time and adding it to your routine so you don't overwhelm yourself and you don't feel like, oh, I have to do all the things to change my life. First of all, you're changing your life for the better. So, woo-hoo. Second of all, it can be fun. It's going to be fun. It's meant to be fun. My journey, I didn't realize that healing could be so liberating. Build my confidence so much and just make me like cutting out all the chaos and filling it with peace instead and uplifting people instead of people I had had in my life. It truly changed my world in such a way that that's part of why I do this, right? Speaker 1: (05:59)Like I want you guys to get to experience this. So a lot of these things, we've talked about them in multiple episodes, but exercise, meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, all of these things are truly going to help your anxiety levels, your fear, because this is all this energy that gets stuck in our physical body, right? And our mind and all, but physical exercise truly releases negative energy. I talk about yin yoga a lot, I love it. If you want to ask me more about yin yoga, you can email me at fierce mama M A M AAC gmail.com. That'll always be in my show notes on the podcast, by the way, wherever you're listening. But exercise is so important, such a great, great way to release energy meditation, being present, right? Really being in the moment. And yes, some things, some hard things may come up and you walk through and release them. Speaker 1: (06:56)Same thing with journaling. It's a great way to process and do those fun things. Find those new activities that maybe you didn't get to do or old hobbies you kind of fell out of doing or someone made you stop doing things you love because they were so controlling, right? This is your time to recreate yourself and part of that journey is this self-care. So remind yourself too that you deserve love, kindness to yourself. Very important. Give yourself grace and healing. So number four, I just touched on it quickly, but surrounding yourself with supportive people. Man, what a life changer. So for me, this was huge. This was a defining moment in my life, realizing there are people out there who are so uplifting who really support you and like trusting people again, and it can take some time, but trusting that people have your best interests and looking out for those red flags, and I have episodes on that of course, but looking out for those things can take time as well. Speaker 1: (08:02)But if you have friends already that are supportive, spend more time with them, spend more time with the people you trust and have fun with too, right? Maybe you just have some friends that are really fun to hang out with and you just wanna go get a margarita and chat and sit outside and have a good laugh. That's so important for your soul too. There are also a lot of support groups, especially with this online world. Now, there are tons of support groups. So you can look on Facebook or other social media outlets and find a community. Um, I myself am part of a couple of narcissistic abuse groups on Facebook. So whatever is your jam or your social hangout, see if you can find some people there. Even if you're watching videos like on YouTube, I find that if you're involved and you comment, you can kind of find each other. Speaker 1: (08:53)I actually made amazing friends, one of my best friends I made through YouTube about 10 years ago. We both were doing makeup videos and found each other and now we talk all the time. So you just never know what's out there in the world wa web. But surrounding yourself with people who uplift you like that and validate your experiences can counteract the negative effects of that abuse you've gone through and help alleviate that anxiety, the fear, the feeling like, oh, I'm crazy, or just not good enough. All that stuff that comes up. You start to kind of rewrite those thoughts by your own self-healing, but also hanging out with people who are saying the opposite and are like, do you know how amazing you are? I have a best friend who's like such a cheerleader and it, it might be over the top to some people, but I don't care. Speaker 1: (09:44)I feel like people have gone through the we've gone through. It's okay for us to get a little cheerleading in. It's okay to have friends around us that are really in our corner and like, girl, you're amazing. Don't forget it. We should all have that. So I hope you find that too. All right, number five, back to setting boundaries. I know we talk about this a lot because it's so dang important. I'm the queen of boundaries. I love it. So one common trait though of narcissistic abusers, which you may know by now, is a lack of respect of boundaries. So learning to set healthy boundaries is essential at this point. Essential for your wellbeing. Like if you wanna go on this piece journey and you want it to work and you wanna not go back, you wanna not get sucked into the drama, you don't wanna attract future relationships, whether it's romantic or friendships, anything that even smells like narcissism. Speaker 1: (10:38)Then you have to learn how to set these healthy boundaries, right? This can reduce the anxiety and fear because you know that you have your peace bubble and no one's gonna get in there, no one's gonna ruin that for you when you set those healthy boundaries. So it does it, it can take some time, like it took me a little bit to get there, but that's what I'm here for to help you. Yay. So recognize that you have the right to say no and remember that is a full sentence. No, you don't have to explain yourself away and prioritize your needs. So practice assertiveness in communicating your boundaries and surround yourself with the people who not only uplift you, but respect your boundaries and support them. Like they want you to have boundaries. They want you to protect yourself and they wanna help you protect yourself. Speaker 1: (11:28)Those are the people we're trying to have in our life. Got it, . All right, number six, explore therapeutic techniques. So, you know, we talked about exercise, some meditation, all of that. This is kind of focusing on that. Mindfulness, the meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga, shout out to you in yoga or creative outlets, right? Like this weekend, me and my stepsister had so much fun. This was Memorial Day weekend for us here in the US and it's a long weekend. I actually had a four day weekend, should I, how many times can I say? Weekend, weekend, weekend. But my stepsister and my nephew came over and we had so much fun doing artwork, jamming on the guitar and singing and just having a good old time. And that is something, creative outlets like that, like art, that's something I brought back into my life after I disconnected from a narcissistic abuser and it really helped me release and helped me feel better and reduced. Speaker 1: (12:32)The anxiety, it gets you out of your head and you're putting that energy out, man. Do like a Jackson. If you, if you're in the angry phase, you get a bunch of those brushes dipped in all those pigments and just start waving all up in the air. Like you just don't gu No, but really there's, there's so many ways to express ourselves in our emotions and after abuse, it's just a, it's a great way, it's a great way to release less, but not least. Number seven, embrace self-reflection and growth. So use this period of healing to engage in, in this self-reflection, in digging a little, right? And it doesn't have to be so hard and dark. It can be, yes, you're gonna have moments, okay, we're gonna have to process, we're gonna have to feel the emotions to get through them. But the longer you try to resist, the harder it is to actually walk through the mud, right? Speaker 1: (13:27)To me, it's like the slower you go or you have a resistance picture, you're walking through mud, it's gonna take longer. I'm the type, I'm like, you know what? I know I gotta do this. I'm gonna feel this pain. I'm gonna let out a big cry about it. I'm gonna do what I gotta do and I'm gonna run. Cause we wanna get to that piece, right? That's why you're here, that recreating yourself, peace, joy, feeling like a queen. We're here for it. So explore your values, your interests, your passions. Rediscover. Who are you? It's you 2.0. You get to decide. You get to create who you want to be. Now you aren't under the thumb of anyone else. You don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, right? So set goals, dream and celebrate even the tiniest achievements. By focusing on your personal growth, you can rebuild your self-esteem and completely regain. Speaker 1: (14:23)I can't say completely, okay, God's in charge, but you know what I mean. You can regain so much more control over your life than you have had up to this point, right? Like how does that feel? Take a breath and just think, how would it feel to feel really in control of my life alongside if you're a God person, which I am. I mean I got my arm and arm of God, me and g o d hanging out. He's got the control, but I get to make so many decisions that free will is there for me to listen to his whispers or his yells. If you're not a God person, I don't know. Listen to the universe, listen to your higher power, whatever. I don't care what it is, but there's something out there that is bigger than us and you get to reach higher and you get to pull from that and know there's many beautiful things in this world and you deserve them just as anybody else. Speaker 1: (15:16)Sometimes we look, oh, why did I have to go through this? Or look at them. They have this right? Comparing, especially with social media. No, you get to create a beautiful life and you have to believe that first before you can do it. So you've gotta do some healing. You've gotta do this work, but I promise you, you can build yourself a beautiful life no matter what the past has been. Okay? Okay? Overcoming this anxiety, these fears after abuse. It is challenging. I'm not gonna lie about that, but it is possible. So remember to be patient and kind to yourself. Give yourself a little hug every day. Say, oh, you're doing so good girl. Look at you. Look at you growing and navigate this healing journey by seeking support, practicing all that good self-care. I mean, that's fun, right? We should get excited about more self-care. Speaker 1: (16:03)Setting those boundaries, those fierce, fierce boundaries cuz you're a queen and embracing the personal growth, you can reclaim that inner strength and pave the way for a brighter, peaceful, more joyful, anxiety free future. How does that sound? That feels so good, doesn't it? Yes. Ooh. All right. Don't forget to go on my show notes. Um, let me look at the date I have. Oh my gosh, we only have two more days if you're listening. No. One more day. If you're listening on Tuesday, it's today and tomorrow I am still doing my May deal where you get a V I P pricing for my journey two piece blueprint. You get one full one-on-one session with me coaching on Zoom. You can either see my face or not. You have an option of video or audio, seems like everybody wants video so we can see each other. Speaker 1: (16:59)And then I will send an email, follow up to our call with our little plan we discuss, and then there will be a mini checkup call at the end. And if you choose to, you can move on and continue to work with me. Weekly is usually how I roll because we love that accountability and really start thriving in your life because that's the name of the podcast. But still she thrives. We gotta thrive. We're here for a short time. We gotta make it the best we can. And yeah, we had some happen, but guess what? We're stronger than that. We are stronger than our past. So check out those show notes, the podcast description, whatever you wanna call it, to sign up for the journey two piece blueprint. Yes. So I'm gonna end with a couple little affirmations cuz you know how I roll. Speaker 1: (17:46)Let's put our hands to our heart. But not if you're driving girl. No. All right. I am safe. I am free. I'm a queen bee. Yeah, I had to, I had to be cheesy and rhyme. Why not? All right. Worry less, smile more. Okay, we're gonna, we're gonna knock these anxieties and fears out. We're gonna get 'em. See you beauties. In the next episode, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you get notified when the episodes come up. And also you can join my free Facebook group. It's in the podcast show notes. And also I have a freebie. If you don't have my meditation, girl, what are you doing? Go get it. It'll say four minute meditation in my podcast notes. It's amazing. Start your day right? Cuz you know when you start it wrong things go wrong. I'm just saying. Okay, love you.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
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Top 3% in podcasts globally
This weeks starts the series on the Psychological Effects of Narcissistic abuse and how you can start your healing journey in relation to each one!
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Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)I am so excited to start this series. This is all about the long-term psychological effects of narcissistic abuse. This is something I go really deep into with my clients and we work on it one-on-one and their customized plan. But I'm starting this series to help more people know about what those effects are, and we'll go as we go on in the series, we will touch on each one more deeply and about how specifically we can help heal each wound. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:32)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies. Let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:30)The long-term psychological effects of narcissistic abuse can be significant and have a lasting impact on the victims. So we're gonna talk today about some common effects that survivors may experience. Let us dive on in. So first, a big one, low self-esteem. Pretty much every client I work with, every victim I've spoken to and myself has had narcissistic abuse that results in lower self-esteem. It often involves consistent criticism, belittling and demeaning behavior, right? So obviously over time, especially if you've been in a really long-term relationship, whether it's during your childhood or a romantic relationship or even a friendship, this can erode a person's self-esteem leading to feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. I know for myself, between my childhood and my adult sh in between there, starting at a young age because I was put down and told that I was stupid or I wasn't interesting or whatever it was that my narcissist used to say to me to make it as if I was not as smart as them. Speaker 1: (02:46)I was not as good as them would know the right buttons to push that over time. And honestly, pretty quickly in my childhood, I became a person who believed that they were not, not capable enough, especially in the academic area, which I was smart. I am smart, right? We all have our strengths in any academic area. One may be more than the other, like English and creative versus scientific and math, whatever. But I was convinced I wasn't really good at anything. Even though I was in honors classes, I felt like it was almost imposter syndrome. Like maybe I'm just somehow getting by somehow. That's not really true. I was really brainwashed that I was stupid. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. A lot of us are made to feel like we are not as valuable as the narcissist. We are not smart, we are not capable. Speaker 1: (03:40)They want us to be dependent on them and to need them. So they will reiterate and repeat how not intelligent we are in some form. And this completely will trash our self-esteem as time goes on. So if you have low self-esteem, if you have low self-worth, you are not alone. And it makes absolute sense that you don't if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse. Another super annoying side effect of narcissistic abuse is anxiety and fear. So victims of narcissistic abuse may develop chronic anxiety and fear due to the unpredictable nature of the relationship. So if you grew up or in a a romantic relationship, any situation with a narcissist where you had to walk on eggshells, you had to look over your shoulder and wonder what mood are they gonna be? Are they going to mentally exhaust me? Are they going to physically hit me? Speaker 1: (04:34)Are they going to keep me away from my family? I had plans with today? Whatever it is, there's always fear underneath when you're dealing with a narcissist. So this will bleed into other parts of your life, even after you have disconnected from the narcissist. Something that is, that ingrained will continue on. So it's absolutely necessary, obviously to get help for all this. Again, we will be talking about how to heal these situations and these wounds in this series. So make sure to subscribe on whatever platform you're listening. Depression, ugh, this one is rough. That big dark gloomy cloud that takes over your life makes you feel like you don't have any motivation. You don't wanna get outta bed, maybe you don't wanna shower. Maybe you feel like you have nobody in your life, you're alone. Even if you have a couple friends, you might have a million friends, but you feel this isolation, this loneliness, this downward spiral. Speaker 1: (05:35)Um, if you're in a narcissistic situation, you may feel like you are stuck and can't get out. And even after you are out of this situation, this can still linger. Depression can still linger. You can have guilt, you can have shame. You can have a lot of depression based feelings that occur because of their gaslighting. That can really, really cause depression and being in your head too much cuz you're always trying to figure out what you did wrong or are you crazy? So victims may feel hopeless, helpless, and trapped even when you are outside of the situation. Your mind can still feel trapped. And this is normal when you are in or out of any narcissistic abusive situation. All right, let's just gather around for a big warm welcome to the complex post-traumatic stress disorder. See P T S D, you've probably heard this, especially narcissistic abuse victims. Speaker 1: (06:33)If you had star, if you have started studying this, you know, people will talk about narcissistic abuse, ptsd, it is common. It can cause symptoms similar to those of PTs D but with additional features related to the long-term nature of abuse because some of us have gone our entire lives under the thumb of a narcissist. So survivors may experience flashbacks, hypervigilance, disassociation, and difficulty forming, trusting relationships. I know a lot of you have talked to me about how you feel like you cannot trust not just other people, but your own relationship with yourself. You have trust issues because you feel like you can't trust yourself, that you're not going to get yourself into another narcissistic relationship, whether that is just because that's what you're used to from your childhood or your upbringing, or whether that's because you chose a relationship that ended up being narcissistic, which is not your fault. Speaker 1: (07:35)I wanna reiterate that. But this is something that can occur in PTs, D and C, PTs D where it can feel a little worse with C P T S D if it is a longer amount of time. You have more time that you have doubted yourself and you look back and think, gosh, I dealt with a and maybe, uh, quote, I chose to, which I hate that. I hate that wording, but a lot of people say that to me. Well, I chose this relationship, right? I don't like to think of it that way. That's a whole other episode. But that is something that can happen from that sort of relationship because you look back on it almost with a guilt and a lack of trust. So trying to move forward, trying to gain trust in a new relationship, you can feel totally scared, terrified, and not trusting of yourself. Speaker 1: (08:26)Again, these are very normal, normal effects of narcissistic abuse. More of those trust issues, the external trust issues repeated betrayals and emotional manipulation have occurred in a narcissistic relationship, right? So this can make it very challenging for you to trust others. And you may become guarded and suspicious of anyone fearing others will take advantage of you and hurt you. Again, emotional dysregulation. This is a recent buzzword. I'm glad it's getting more attention. Narcissistic abuse can disrupt a person's ability to regulate their emotions. Survivors may experience intense mood swings, difficulty managing your anger or your sadness and struggling with stabilizing your emotions. That's what it is. They're dysregulated, they're up, they're down. You can feel like your own emotions are not predictable. And this is again, a very normal side effect of narcissistic abuse, if you wanna call it that. Um, it's very common and I think first of all, knowing about it and shining a light on it can help saying, okay, this isn't me being crazy or being, because we get called crazy a lot when we are abused by a narcissist. Speaker 1: (09:47)Can I get a what, what? Yes. So this is finally shining a light on this and saying, wow, this is actually a side effect. This is an effect of abuse, emotional dysregulation. So again, very, very common. And we'll go to the next one, which is self blame and guilt. So often narcissists will shift the blame onto their victims. Very common. I mean a hundred percent common, making you believe that the abuse is your fault. So this can lead to feelings of guilt, self blame, and a very distorted sense of responsibility for the abusive behavior. We, which we touched on a little bit, especially reflecting back. But even while you're in it, sometimes that is why we stay in the situations we are, um, made to believe that it's our fault. And if we didn't do X, y, z, this narcissist would not act this way. Speaker 1: (10:43)I'm here to tell you that's. They will act that way no matter what it is. Not you, it is them, but they are going to make you feel like it is your fault. And even when you disconnect from a narcissist, you can absolutely still have this guilt and shame and it is a very, very normal feeling to come out of narcissistic relationships, feeling this way, still having that guilt, guilt, still questioning yourself. And you are not alone in this at all. All right? Having boundary issues, this is a huge one. You may have had boundary issues to begin with and they, it can only get worse because narcissists stick abuse often involves a violation of personal boundaries. They don't respect boundaries, right? So survivors may struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries in their relationships, in their future relationships leading to difficulties in asserting their needs and protecting themselves from harm. Speaker 1: (11:42)Even though when we get out, we get this relief and all of that, it's so ingrained in us to almost people please and be afraid. We're afraid to set boundaries, right? But I'm gonna help you with that. Yes I am. Stick with me, I'm the boundary queen. Now, social isolation, ooh, those narcissists will isolate their victims from family, from friends and support networks, right? They want you again, dependent on them. As a result, survivors may experience social withdrawal, difficulty forming new relationships, even if you want to. There's this subconscious pull that it just feels scary or wrong because of what you've been through. And you could have a feeling of loneliness. I've experienced this myself. I mean, even at a, at a time I had 50 friends. I'm an extrovert, all these people in my life because of narcissistic situations and what you are led to believe in your mind, you can feel very lonely regardless of what connections you do have. Speaker 1: (12:49)I want to just add in here, it is very important to have support after you have disconnected from a narcissist or narcissistic situation. Um, especially if they were like your main squeeze. Um, it's so important to try to reconnect with old people in your life and be honest with those people and try to gain that support or new friendships. And it's difficult. I have a couple of episodes on friendship that I will post, but also there will be upcoming episodes about this topic. Last but not least, self-doubt and identity confusion. So the constant gaslighting and manipulation can make victims question their perceptions and reality, right? So I get it. You may lose touch with your own identity, your preferences, the values, right? Because you have been dependent on this person or they have created a dependency on them where they are controlling you, you are under their control. Speaker 1: (13:52)You are letting them make all of your decisions, right? So you don't even know what you like and don't like anymore. And you have now been conditioned to prioritize the needs and desires of the narcissistic abuser rather than yourself. So this is a huge part of what I do is recreating your identity as the new you U 2.0. I'll keep saying it because that's what, that's what I do with a lot of my clients, right? Where are you now? Where do you wanna be? And let's figure out who the hell you are. I mean, we know it's a queen, but what kind of specific queen are you ? So it's important to note that the impact of this abuse can vary from person to person, right? Not everyone will experience all of these effects, though a lot of them are very, very common. So seeking professional help from someone like me who is experienced in narcissistic abuse specifically can be very beneficial for survivors in addressing and healing these psychological effects. Speaker 1: (14:58)So as always, you can look at the links in my show notes to uh, find the ways to work with me and I will have anything I mentioned link below in those show notes. Whatever platform you are on, you can find it. And a reminder is this the last week? This may be the last week. I have I think just one more slot open for my blueprint journey two piece, um, which is one call. And then we have like a little mini checkup call, but we do a customized blueprint for you if you are looking for a boost into your healing. Um, I will put that link definitely in the show notes. So check that out. And that is just through the month of May. You are grandfathered into that pricing. If you sign up and you do it in June instead, you'll still get the same pricing, but you have to sign up in May. So I'll put that link if that, that's a great way to start working with me. And it's, it's a really, it's a really great deal. It is half off my regular price, so I'm so excited to work with more of you. So check out my show notes and I will talk to you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are not your narcissistic abuse effects. They do not define you and you can heal and you are a queen.
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Transcript:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Good morning, good afternoon, or goodnight, wherever you are. Hello, I'm so glad you joined me. And today I have a special episode talking about a wound, a narcissistic wound, of course, that people don't really talk about. And maybe it's not so obvious, even though I would say a hundred percent of us have. So stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:22)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with? I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:20)We have talked about effects of narcissistic abuse. There are many, many, many of them. And in today's episode, we're gonna talk about the one that pretty much everybody has. I've had it, all my clients have it. It's something that's underlying and it's something that we have to maintain because of the level of narcissistic abuse and what it does to our mind, body, and dang soul, okay? It is chronic fatigue. When you have been exposed to narcissistic abuse, your nervous system, it gets stuck. You are stuck in that survival mode. You're always walking around on eggshells, right? You're hyper aware of everything going on around you, and you know you're listening, you're looking, your senses are always heightened in your environment to protect yourself and stay safe. I can remember back when I was going through narcissistic abuse, especially the physical abuse, just that fear of what's on the other side of the door. Speaker 1: (02:21)Do I need to protect myself? And it's just that fight flight fawn, whatever mode you go into, but you're always on. Every part of you is just always on. I mean, that sounds tiring enough. But what happens is when you are on that, you're running on adrenaline, you're running on cortisol, you're running on these stress hormones, right? So once you disconnect, once this person isn't in your daily life, once, you're not having to have that protection and that armor on so tight, there's no longer this constant dependency on stress, right? And those hormones that it actually will cause fatigue. I was kind of thinking about it in comparison. I mean, it's kind of off, but you'll get my comparison. I like analogy. So here we go. So I was comparing it to when I was like so focused, and you all can probably relate when you're so focused on studying for finals or some huge test. Speaker 1: (03:21)But let's do finals, because usually that's multiple classes. You know, it can be a couple of weeks of really preparing. Or if you're like me, a procrastinator, maybe a couple days and, but you're thrown into something, maybe pulling all nighters, putting your own self-care aside, over stuffing that brain. But imagine that times a million with trauma and abuse thrown into it and needing to stay safe during that time, which is often way more time than the time you would spend to prepare for a final, right? For a lot of us, it was years, decades of abuse that was embedded in our daily life. So that is why so many of my clients come to me after they disconnect from a narcissist, and they're like, now what? Right? We're so acclimated and our body physically is acclimated to this type of lifestyle. So here we are going, okay, now what? Speaker 1: (04:16)You literally have no idea really what to do, where to start, your body, your mind, everything's just been shaken up, flipped upside down. Sure, there may be relief, of course, but there's a whole identity of yourself that you are losing, and part of that identity is constant stress in your mind and your physical body, right? So that seems like, oh, that would be, that would be great, right? And it is great, but it's also when any big changes happen that can lead to exhaustion and just different chemicals, hormones, you know, changing and having to recalibrate. So that leads us to the what now. And that what now goes beyond one podcast episode and is what I do with my clients, help them heal, find peace, find freedom. But let's get to the basics, right? Just to start out, first of all, you need sleep, rest, your body needs rest, your mind needs rest, sleep is great. Speaker 1: (05:14)But if rest is all you can get at the moment, we're still going through healing, we're gonna still have ruminating thoughts, but rest is so, so important. Like a queen bear in winter. Okay? You're gonna be a queen bear. This is your order. You need to get that rest. Now, one week of good sleep, that's, that's not gonna do the healing. That's not everything you need to do. So this is something where if you want change, you truly want peace in your life, you want to find that calm, you wanna find that balance, you are going to have to make changes in your routines, right? So I'm not gonna overwhelm you, and we're gonna get to this in a second. We're gonna do this in like little baby bits, so stay with me here. But we're gonna get into a pattern of at least trying to be able to get sleep here and there maybe once a week if you can, sleeping in. Speaker 1: (06:00)And we'll get into how to do that because I know a lot of us live busy lives, we're parents, all of that. But the other things that we need to do, and we're gonna do these one at a time, okay? So just stay with me. I'm saying this because I know how overwhelming it is in the beginning, and this is why it's great to have support and whatever, but I'm here trying to at least give you some bits and tips that you can take with you. And they may seem simple, but I'm telling you, they will be life changing if you can implement them one by one, and the order in which you wanna do it is up to you. So nourishing your body with healthy foods. Yeah, talking about the fruits and veggies, like this is simple stuff. But sometimes when we are so overwhelmed or exhausted, it's easy to reach for the takeout or the pink sprinkled donuts. Speaker 1: (06:51)I mean, what I'm human. So really making an effort to eat healthy, taking supplements if you need to, like go get your physical girl, go see what you need in that body getting out. Nature is another thing. Having alone time and not, I mean, alone time is super important for this healing process, but also it is important to connect and kind of regain trust in people, which can take some time, right? Depending on your situation. But even getting out with new people, uplifting people. And I have episodes on that. I have some friendship episodes and you can find, but there's, and this is also actually a really great time to keep on decluttering the people who are mistreating you or dragging you down. So it's like, while we're at it, let's, let's keep on a roll here, because you are protecting your peace and odds are if you've tolerated from one person, you've tolerated from multiple people. Speaker 1: (07:45)So again, this is a one, one piece at a time journey, but that might be something for me, that was one of the first things I did was also say, okay, what other people are in my life? Maybe I can't disconnect like so black and white yet, but who do I probably need to distance from now that I realize I'm getting mistreated by more than one person and I've tolerated a type of behavior because I was raised to accept this behavior and now I'm realizing I don't like that, I don't like that feeling. I don't like to be controlled, I don't like to have to walk on eggshells. So that is also an option at this time. Again, the order of this and the frequency or speed of this is up to you and your path. It is always helpful to have someone along for the ride. Speaker 1: (08:33)Like I said, and you guys probably know if you've been listening, I had my own therapist, I had a coach, both narcissistic, knowledgeable . So I do always say that even if it's a therapist you go to, I would love you to go to someone who actually has dealt with a narcissist in their own life. Um, that's just my personal suggestion. So it's not easy, you know, disconnecting from narcissist, period. It's not easy healing, it's not easy trying to create a new support system around you, right? It's not easy. But these truly are things you have to do to heal and clear space for that peaceful, joyful life that I promise you can have. And look, this, this crap is overwhelming as it is, right? I do not wanna overwhelm you. So remember, start with one thing. What is one thing you can change in your daily life to start healing? Speaker 1: (09:31)Don't overwhelm yourself. Like what seems the easiest to you? Is it just changing your diet, drinking more water? Is it cutting out the friend who always complains? Maybe there's just a coworker that maybe you could, they're just really up in your, texting you, complaining, whatever. Maybe it's shifting that relationship. You can do things slowly and on your own timetable, but the the trick is getting closer and closer to a peaceful life. Okay? So, and maybe that is getting out in nature every day for a certain amount of time. Maybe it is asking for help from a parent of yours, maybe a friend. If you're, let's say you're a single mother and you know, all this has just happened and you're exhausted, ask somebody for help and say, can you come over so I can take a two hour nap every Saturday for a little bit, right? Speaker 1: (10:23)There are ways to ask for help. I know it's hard, but you're worth it and you do deserve it. And after you implement one thing, sparkle by sparkle, I like to call it , your first sparkle in your life. Once you've got that going a little bit and you're feeling a little better in that area, add another. So once you're getting a little more sleep, you've got a rhythm, then maybe throw a little broccoli down your ch you get my point. So it's one by one. It, it doesn't have to be so hard, doesn't have to be so heavy and you don't have to do it alone. So I am here if you would like to work with me. All my information is always in the show notes, aka a podcast description on any platform that you're listening to. It will be there. I will leave my information on how to work with me. Speaker 1: (11:08)That link, I will leave my email if you have questions or you can feel free to email me. I have a free Facebook group that's a nice support group for narcissistic abuse victims. It's a women's only group. And before I go, I want to remind you, you are beautiful. You are strong af for helping yourself get out of a toxic situation. And even if you're in it and you're listening to this and you're wanting more for yourself, that's a first step. And be proud of even that, okay? It's hard. These are very hard situations. This is not for the faint of heart. And you can do this. You can do this. All right, I will see you in the next episode. I have a special guest, my client and friend Carol Lorraine, chatting about her experience with narcissistic abuse. We have a really great conversation, so make sure to hit subscribe. You do not wanna miss this episode. Smooches and Doses.
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Obsessive thoughts got ya down? Listen in on this week's episode for 5 ways to stop your ruminating thoughts after narcissistic abuse
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DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Oh my Queens. This one's a hard one. These obsessive thoughts. I have so many clients come to me with this. I went through this. I remember not being able to concentrate at work. Literally having to go to the bathroom and be like, okay, get it together. Focus, because of my narcissistic situation inside of it. And even after we disconnected, it almost became worse in a different way, even though I was actually the one who broke it off with the narcissist. So cozy up, get a little drink, let's hang out. Let's talk about how to stop these obsessive thoughts, how to help stop them. We can't stop them immediately right away, but there are a lot of ways to do that. Also, the podcast episode before this is more about why we have these obsessive thoughts, especially after a narcissistic, abusive situation. So check that out either now or, or save it and listen to it later. Stay tuned for five glorious ways to help us with these obsessive thoughts. Speaker 1: (01:06)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (02:03)All right? So first of all, remember, give yourself grace and patience with this process. Nothing is overnight, but it is possible to undo this damage and find peace and freedom from narcissistic abuse. So the first thing I'm gonna say, and this is one that helped me earlier on in the journey, especially when I had to just get out of my head immediately, and that is changing your environment. And it sounds simple, but you've gotta stir up that motivation to do it. First of all, you can't do it without doing it, but change your environment. I would literally go outside, like I said, even if I was at work, if I couldn't get outta my head, I would be like, all right. Hmm. Taking a little elevator ride down to the first floor and going outside, just shaking it off, saying, you know, saying hi to people, even in the lobby of my office, whatever, kind of distracted my brain a little bit to break the the cycle. Speaker 1: (02:59)So changing your actual environment, especially if you have time, you can go and hang out in nature. You can go for a run, pick up the phone, call a friend. Don't talk about the narc though. You've gotta make decisions and choices too, right? So change your environment and change. Change the thoughts, right? Like decide to talk about something else. If you are going to call someone or watch a funny show, like I said, get out, go to a store. I feel like it's a lot easier to get into our heads and really spiral down if we are sitting in our home alone in a quiet space, right? And over time we will have to find other coping mechanisms. But in the very beginning, that was something super helpful and it's something I still use today. I mean, in general with life stresses, that is one of my go-to things, is to get outside, do something healthier than sitting in my little brain full of crazy thoughts. Speaker 1: (03:58)Okay, number two, practicing mindfulness. If you've been following me, you know, I'm a big fan for a reason of all the meditation, yin yoga specifically. Um, it's a practice that involves paying attention to the present moment, right? So by focusing on the present moment, you may be able to reduce the power of those intrusive thoughts related to the past abuse or current abuse. You may be listening to this if you are currently in this situation as well. So I'm trying to address everybody. Um, mindfulness practices can include the meditation, deep breathing, you know, breath work and yoga. Number three is using grounding techniques. So these can help you feel more connected again to the present moment and less overwhelmed by those thoughts. Some of these include breath work, right? It's the same sort of thing. It's it's mindfulness, but it also is a physical activity that's going to ground you focusing on physical sensations. Speaker 1: (05:01)And I do this and talk about this with my clients. I even do this with my eight year old daughter. When she's a little, she gets a little anxiety, especially, she's kind of a perfectionist. Anybody relate, anyone have perfectionism or kids that have perfectionism? Um, so sometimes with her schoolwork, I mean literally if she gets below a 90%, she, she gets a little anxious. So in the moment we do the sensory activities, which is like I do something like, okay, find something, a red something that's the color red in the room. And then I want you to shut your eyes and smell. Is there any smell you can pick up? Then we do something with touch, maybe like find a very soft texture in the room or maybe find a, you know, more rough texture. Um, then one of my favorites is because there's always some sort of noise, even if it's some sort of room noise or a fan or birds chirping, shutting your eyes. Speaker 1: (06:02)And I like to say find two sounds cuz there's usually more than one. And you can do this and you can repeat this and change it. You know, you can then look for something the color teal, like make it a little tricky. Um, but that is a grounding technique that I really like, um, for any situation. But it does help you get out of that ruminating thought process as well. Number four, self care. If you know me, can you hear my snap? Yes, I'm snapping with excitement. I love self-care, but taking care of yourself can help you feel more empowered and less overwhelmed by the intrusive thoughts. So activities of self-care can include exercise. This is an amazing one. This is why running and for me it's dancing. I love dance. Um, it's so therapeutic. You literally are forced to kind of get outta your mind and be paying attention to what you're doing. Speaker 1: (07:02)It's hard to think as deeply and ruminating while you are engaged in physical activity. So that's a huge one for me. Again, spending time in nature is taking care of yourself, like getting that sitting in gratitude in nature too, right? Like gratitude is so important in self-care because, and I, and I do practices not just what I'm grateful for and I pray I'm a big God lady. Um, I pray and thank God, but I also practice gratitude for the things I have done. So it could be, what are five things you're proud of this week, right? So that's your homework. I'm sticking homework in today. I want you to email me and my email's always in the show notes, but it's fierce mama m a m a c gmail.com. I want you to just email me just two. We're gonna start easy cuz I know this is hard when you're coming out of abuse, I want you to say two things. Speaker 1: (07:59)You're grateful for that you did, you accomplished your wins. Okay? So email me that this week. Um, so definitely the gratitude, sitting in nature and engaging in any hobbies you enjoy. What's something maybe you couldn't do anymore? Maybe you were in a narcissistic situation where you were being controlled or you were having to live for somebody else. You forgot who the hell you were. We're gonna remind you. That's what I'm here for. I'm here for you 2.0, that's my jam, right? Ask any of my clients. Um, we want that 2.0 you that's like, yes, I am a queen, I know I'm a queen. Even if you don't feel like that right now, you are going to, if you work with me, oh, you're gonna feel like a queen lady. And what, where did you lose yourself? What ha what haven't you done that you loved to do years ago? Speaker 1: (08:50)Or maybe just always thought, God, I would love to paint or I would love to knit, or I would love to cook like more, you know, from scratch or bake more, whatever it is. There's so many freaking hobbies, photography and there's group courses where you can meet people. So that's another really good way to nourish and self care. So think about is there a class you can sign up for now that it's just you and you get to decide to live for just you, you don't have to worry about someone else and walking on eggshells, what can you do? And despite, maybe it wasn't a romantic situation or one that had that much control, maybe it was a sibling or a parent that you didn't live with, but just the dynamic of growing up with that, even in your childhood, you have a different way about you where you can develop people pleasing mentality, right? Speaker 1: (09:49)So let's please ourselves. Okay, that's a whole other episode. that came out wrong. No, but you know what I mean. What can you do for you now? So also this week try to think about what, what hobby can you pick up? Maybe you can join a class. I've gotten emails recently, uh, multiple people saying I inspired them to start doing more for themselves. And that makes me so happy. Keep it up. What can you do for you? Sign up for a yoga class. Sign up for a dance class. I'm gonna be starting in end of June. I am going to be doing a hip hop dance class that actually has a performance at the end of the session. Do you know how queen? I feel , I'm a queen. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. I've done hip hop dance since I was 14 and there were years I did not do that. Speaker 1: (10:43)And now I get to get back to it and I am so excited. So yes, so make that part of your to-do list this week. Um, find something where you can really self-care and that includes finding something that you have lost or you never had but have been interested in doing. All right, number five, uh, seek support. I would not be here today without the support of somebody who went through narcissistic abuse. I repeat again, I don't care if it's a therapist, I don't care if it's a life coach like yours truly, or a support group. Make sure it is somebody who has gone through it. I cannot emphasize that enough. I first went to a therapist that said they knew about narcissistic abuse. I was so excited. I said, oh good. I don't know. I don't think everyone knows about it. Uh, we were on session one and it was horrendous. Speaker 1: (11:48)It just, it was not a match. And I said, have you been through narcissistic abuse? And he said, no, but I've studied it. And I said, well, I think you need to study it more. Which I mean, probably wasn't the best answer, but I'm feisty Christy, what can I say? Um, I was like, there needs to be a little more studying there because what he actually recommended for me was detrimental. And I knew that I'm very self-aware. I, I dig a lot, I research a lot and I knew what he was telling me to do was not enough and could even be detrimental. So I encourage you to find someone who is familiar but not just familiar, but has gone through this type of abuse. Specifically. I, that being said, in therapy you can do cognitive behavioral therapy and emdr, which stands for eye movement, desensitation and reprocessing. Speaker 1: (12:40)So those are successful things that you can do through therapy. Again, I do suggest doing them with someone who is very familiar with an narcissistic abuse and has experienced themselves. Or some of my, actually a lot of my clients are doing therapy like that and then have me wor are working with me to kind of make up for what their therapist isn't as experienced in. So the therapist might have that emdr, which they can do and they know which, um, thoughts to help work through. But then as far as the narcissistic abuse, specifically, my clients will be working with me to work through that stuff, right? And I do tapping and other, other therapies that can also help people through rewiring those thoughts. So if you do want to truly accelerate your healing path, this is my specialty, I'm running a half off coaching for the month of May. Speaker 1: (13:36)If you sign up in May, that means you are grandfathered into this pricing for the, you know, if you buy a package of one month, three months, six months, whatever a year to party it up with me, whatever it is, you are grandfathered into half off of that price, which is, I have not done that before and I'm really excited I'm here for it, but I am only doing it for two clients because just I, I do have to profit in my business. So this is really, really a good value. Um, and I put a lot into my coaching. You can ask any of my clients. I have testimonials. Um, I'm in the weeds with you. I am in there and in between sessions we do check-ins and I really, really care. And you are not just a number to me. You are a person and I want you to succeed. Speaker 1: (14:23)So I'm in it, I'm really, really in it. So you're gonna get a lot of value. So you can sign up in my show notes, there will be a link there, um, to schedule your first call. And don't forget, I also have an epic free meditation if you have not got it. It is a four minute mood boosting meditation you are going to love that is in the show notes as well. So I would love to work with you though. Um, any questions, always feel free to email me and I can't wait to help you find peace. You deserve it. So remember again that this healing is a process. It's gonna take time, but be patient kind to yourself as you work through this experience. Remember, you are amazing. You are smart as hell, and you deserve to have a calm and joyful mind. So don't forget to subscribe. See you in the next episode.
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*Top 3% in podcasts globally
Do you have obsessive thoughts about a narcissist in your life? In today's episode I share 4 reasons you can't stop thinking about them or the situation.
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EPISODES MENTIONED:
What is GASLIGHTING? (ep 23)
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-23-what-is-gaslighting-the-narcissists-favorite-8/id1662241353?i=1000610540022
The Cycle of Abuse: (ep 6)
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-6-the-cycle-of-abuse-and-how-to-avoid/id1662241353?i=1000596278747
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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)Welcome to, but still she thrives. On today's episode, we are going to talk about all of those nasty, annoying sleep, disturbing stomach ache, causing obsessive thoughts we have over the narcs in our lives. Why can't we stop thinking about them? Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:19)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:17)So I have had more than five clients recently talk about how disruptive the thoughts are, even after disconnection, even when you're out of the relationship. What is going on that I'm still obsessing, I'm still thinking about whether it's the narcissist, the relationship, what they did wrong. There are all of these obsessive thoughts. So let's dive into the why today, and then we're also gonna talk about how to help those thoughts in the next episode. So narcissists tend to target empaths and people who are more thoughtful by nature, right? They're easier targets, lucky us. Woo. So as those types of personalities, we tend to overthink as it is, then you throw in a manipulative narcissist who knows how to create a co-dependent situation with us. If and when we get strong enough to finally get out, which congratulations, by the way, our brain will still be stuck there for a while. Speaker 1: (02:19)And this is normal. This is normal in our situation, okay? For us who we are, and this situation, it's normal. Our brains really want to fix any problem. A lot of us can be people pleasers or we're so trained to please a certain person that our brain wants to fix any problem immediately because we are set up where we feel like, especially in narcissistic, abusive situations, if we don't fix the problem, it's gonna become a bigger problem. We are going to get emotionally or physically abused, right? This is how our brain is set up. So it is very normal for us to want to fix all the problems. So if we can't figure something out, our brain is going to ruminate, ruminate, ruminate. And with narcissist, it's usually a situation that cannot be fixed without disconnecting from them entirely, right? So if you are in the situation, it's even harder because truly living with a narc, you're going to always have these problems. Speaker 1: (03:21)They're always going to to create this dynamic. When you are disconnected, that's great, that's a huge step forward. But there still is work to be done because your brain is set up this way. So it's still trying to problem solve all the time, and it's trying to figure things out. But why do narcissists tend to make the obsession unbearable like it is? Because they've set up this codependent situation. This means they're already creating a relationship with us that is obsessive by nature. They confuse us, which leads us to having to spend more time trying to figure them out, trying to figure our relationship out or our, you know, past relationship with them out, like what just happened. That's a very common thing to feel when you get on the other side. You are like, what just happened to my life, right? Trying to figure out what is wrong with us. Speaker 1: (04:13)By the way, it's nothing. You're a fly queen, okay? We'll get there. That's another episode. Trying to figure out if we should stay or go or why we didn't leave earlier, or how it affects us and has damaged us or our children, right? There's a lot of figuring out. So they are so strategic, they know exactly how to make sure they stay on our mind and have control of us and our minds, even when we leave, even when we are apart. So they're still in there. The longer you've been with a narcissist, the harder it may feel to get out of these thoughts. But girl, I promise it is possible. Okay? So keep that hope up. All right. Now let's dive into how they do this specifically. So, so if you've been doing your research, you may know what gaslighting is. I have a whole episode on it. Speaker 1: (05:01)You may want, if you don't know what it is, you may want to also listen to that episode. I think it's episode 23. I will put that in my show notes. If you're like, what are show notes, Christy. , just go to wherever, whatever platform you're playing this on, right underneath, if you click, there should be information about each and every episode that has all my information, how to contact me, any pertinent information that I talk about during the episode, like this, you know, I'm talking about another episode you may want to reference. All of that good stuff is in every single episode's, show notes, they're all, they all have their own separate show note page on whatever, um, platform you are on. Okay? So back to gaslighting. So if you don't know what gaslighting is it, go watch that episode. But gaslighting is something they do that it really makes us feel crazy and wonder if we are in the wrong and one makes us wonder, are we causing the problem? Speaker 1: (05:59)So this leads to more obsessive thoughts to try to figure these things out. They also give us the silent treatment. This is something, ooh, they love a good silent treatment to control you when they're not communicating. This leads us to trying to get into their heads to figure out what they are thinking. Again, obsessive thoughts and all a part of their big nasty plan to keep control over our minds and our hearts, which it's worked. But if you're out, you broke through again, congrats. But these are things that have created the dynamic. So if you're wondering, how did I get like this? Why am I so obsessed? There's all of these parts play a part into it. Narcissists also play hot and cold games. We call it the yo-Yo, right? They are known for sucking you in, in the beginning with making you feel special, making you feel so alive and like you're the best thing since sliced bread or pink sprinkled donuts. Speaker 1: (06:59)But I'm, I'm a little biased. As soon as you get sucked in, they will start yo-yoing, you creating conflict, being abusive, lying, gas, lighting, cheating, name calling. Maybe the physical abuse starts earlier on it, it usually kind of graduates to getting worse. But even in that very first start of the cycle, right? There's a cycle of abuse where, and I have an episode on that I will link, um, but it starts out all the, like, this is your dream life and it's just this honeymoon, but it's beyond honeymoon usually it's usually a little more, um, they're laying it on a little thicker, really whining and dining and making you feel special and the complimenting all that. Then the yo-yo starts in where they start mistreating you, but you are already kind of sucked in and then it, it's just the cycle that continues, right? They suck you in, they spit you out, they suck you in, they spit you out and spit you out. Speaker 1: (07:54)Meaning the abuse, the lying, the shaming, all of the above, right? So imagine what your brain goes through, right? They're creating this conflict and then making it up to you. And they're princes charming. So they'll buy gifts, make promises, give those compliments. That is the cycle. And that my queens will enhance those obsessive thoughts because it's so confusing and it's involving your heart and your mind and your spirit. It's involving every single part of you creating this dynamic. So of course, of course this is going to be very difficult once you get out. So there are reasons we can get so obsessive in general, even after we have disconnected. That's why it can be so hard for us to escape. And often we can get sucked back in to the unhealthy situation a lot easier with them than someone else who does not create this codependent dynamic, right? Speaker 1: (08:52)A healthier person, let's say when you have a breakup with a healthy individual, it can be hard, but narcissists will make it a thousand times harder. And that dynamic we already have will create it to be more challenging. But again, that doesn't mean we can't do it. I've done it and have helped many clients through this. It is possible. It is possible. And if you would like to work one-on-one with me to get support that is needed on a journey like this, I am offering half off my coaching for the month of May. You'll, so you'll be grandfathered into this pricing for the remainder of your package. So whether you sign up for a month, three months, six months, a year of this mamma, Jamma, Christy, whatever it is, you will be grandfathered in to this pricing that will go up. So I only have two more spots for clients because this summer I am going to take it down a notch so I can enjoy this summer with my daughter. Speaker 1: (09:51)So I will be having, taking on less clients. So I have two more spots open. So go check the show notes for that link to sign up. It will give you the, the app pricing cuz you're a queen. And I just, I can't wait to help more women find peace. Like this is my jam. I'm so excited. So don't forget. Also, I have a free, amazing four minute meditation for you that is in the show notes. That's really cool. So go check that out. It's like a morning mood boost and it's literally four minutes. Everyone has four minutes in the morning, everyone, even the president of the United States. Do you think he wants my mood boost? Should I send him, should I send him my freebie ? Okay, so remember that healing from abuse is a process and it may take time to reduce the intensity of the obsessive thoughts. Speaker 1: (10:41)So be patient and kind to yourself. There's no magic pill, it's gonna do it overnight. But next episode, I will have a few techniques on how I have worked through this in my life and how my clients work through theirs. And we all use different tools. There's a bunch of tools you get to, you know, kind of customize how you want to do it, but there are a lot of tools to work through it and they are successful. So be patient and hopeful. . And remember, you are beautiful. I mean like Superfly, and you are worthy of uplifting and peaceful thoughts. So let's break this cycle. I'll see you in the next episode. Don't forget to subscribe so you get notification for it. Have a wonderful day.
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Does Your Narcissist Ex Miss you? When you go no contact, or they dispose of you, are narcissists capable of missing you? Listen to this podcast episode to get the answer!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Last episode we talked about going no contact. So I thought, well, why not talk about does your ex narcissist, whether it's romantic friend, family, do they miss you? So we're gonna touch on that in today's episode. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:38)I have had this question come up a lot. Does my narcissist ex whatever? Miss me. First of all, why do we wonder that? Because a good narcissist loves to keep us wondering, right? And we also know that they don't really function like healthy humans. So we get very confused by their emotions, by their communication. So they're confusing beings. We are left with many, many questions, aren't we? But I would love to clear this question up for you today. Okay, so do they miss you? It is somewhat of a complicated answer, but I'm gonna break it down. We are going to use an analogy. Yay. It's analogy time. Alright, we are going to compare this to a drug addict. Their drug and their dealer. You my friend, were their dealer. The energy they sucked out of you to build themselves up. The control they needed was their drug and they are the addict. Speaker 1: (02:30)So though this hurt me a lot to hear, and I know it hurts people when I talk to my clients about it, it's hurt. It's really hurtful, but it's something once you break through the pain of that, it's like such a relief and really empowering and helps you on your healing journey. But honestly, the narcissist, the drug addict, they don't miss the dealer. They don't miss you. They miss what you provided them, okay? You provided them the control they needed the energy they sucked out of you, right? For their own energy feed. You know, if you have studied narcissism, you know what I'm talking about. So the life they sucked out of you and to build themselves up, right? They miss that. They don't miss you as a person. And of course they miss how you made it easier to get their drug. But once they get a new dealer, let's say they move on in a relationship or if it's a friendship, you'll see they quickly move on to new people. Speaker 1: (03:26)That is a common thing with narcissists. Then they will dispose or stop coming after you, right? Because you know right away they freak out. They're like, oh my drug, my drug, I need my drug. Where's my dealer? And so they will claw you trying to get you back. They will try everything. They will try manipulation, they will try sweetness and flowers and cookies. Was that just me? And then they will get mad if you're not responding to it, not giving them what they want. And they will get angry. I mean, they try guilt trips. They try everything right in the beginning when you disconnect. It is very difficult. But if they get a new quote supply, as we call it that they can supply, deal them their drug, they will forget about you. That's if you get off lucky, it'll be a nice clean break. Speaker 1: (04:11)That's not often the case, but it can happen. So not to say it lasts forever. They may have a split from their new dealer and come back weeks, months, even years later, looking to see if you can give them what you need. If you're still there, if you, if they still have control of you and they will dress it up like it is you and that you are special. And I wanna stop and take a moment and say, you are special. You're a very special, beautiful flower, but you are not special to them. And that is the part that's like, ooh, I know it hurts. So I want you to repeat. I want like your hand on your heart and say I am special , okay? And we're getting cheesy here. I don't care because I want you to feel that you are special just because you're not special to them that means nothing. Speaker 1: (04:53)They don't know how to treat people, right? Nobody's special to them. It has nothing to do with you. They're incapable of appreciating special people. They're incapable of loving the way we do. Okay? So it's nothing to do with you. So I do just wanna stop and let you feel that and know that you are special. And it, that part has nothing to do with you, okay? They don't work like rational, healthy humans who know how to appreciate and love. Okay? So it's all about control to them. I actually have a little story, story time and Christie, this is just an example of how they do move on and get new supply. And then they, whether or not they have it or not like it, it might be kind of working but not as easy to get as it was from you. Maybe look, I'm an empath. Speaker 1: (05:39)Oh my heart strings, forget it. You, you get me with nostalgia. I'm yours. I'm putty in your hands, right? So one of my narcissists knew this about me, right? And I don't know if he had new supply or not, but probably a year or two after we disconnected, they reached out. I had not learned about narcissism. I didn't know really the whole situation. I knew it was toxic. I got out of it, but I didn't know it on a deeper level. And so I did fall prey again, okay? A little story time that not so proud of, but this can be part of our journey, right? So they had forgotten about me, but then they reached out out of nowhere saying they missed me and please could we get together? I had been so strong for so long, moved on and I think they doubted I would, right? Speaker 1: (06:28)But they were just testing. And I had a moment, I had a weak moment. I said, well maybe just for a short little friend leave, is it right? I asked when and what do you know? They said, ah, I'm actually pretty busy the next few months, few months . Okay? So in an instant though, a light bulb went off in my head and it, and it was hurtful, but it also was like, ah ha. And that's when I started to see this isn't about me. They didn't really miss me or they would've jumped at the chance. It was they were checking if they had control. I always will say this, right? There's two things narcissists do. They're either trying to get control of you or checking if they still have control of you. So they were checking if they still had it. I proved that, I guess they did have somewhat of control over me, but you know what? Speaker 1: (07:17)They could have it. I was so excited to be released , because they turn around, right? And were like, oh, I got control. Well that's cool. I don't really need to see you. I was just checking. So then basically it's another disposal. But I was there for it because I realized this is all about control. And now here's the proof, here is the proof. I did not feel special. It made me realize, no, they don't miss me. All that they just said is bs. I'm not special to them. And that hurt. But I also knew I was special. I feel like, what's that? Um, was that Saturday night Live? People like me, I'm special. I don't remember. But anyway, something cheesy that made me laugh years ago. And now I'm 43 in perimenopause and I don't know what's happening anymore in my life, but I do know what's happening with narcissists. Speaker 1: (08:01)Thank goodness for that. They don't miss you. They miss their supply or whatever you were giving them that they needed and they may move on and not need you anymore. And that's a really good thing actually. Okay? So I was happy to be released from the web. You know that web of the narcissist, it is sticky, it's awful. And though painful to like kind of know you're not special. It was painful, but it was liberating to realize it was never about me. That actually, as much as it can hurt, it can set you free. So it took time to believe though, just cuz I was not special to a narcissist didn't mean I was not special. I mean, there's a lot of confidence stuff that goes on, guys that we have to deal with, with narcissists. I mean, they do a really damaging job on our self-esteem. Speaker 1: (08:52)So it's taken a a while to build that up faster than I thought I could. Though I have gotten to a great spot, I still have my moments. I'm not gonna lie, I still have moments and that's okay. I'm so much better off and more free and more at peace. And it's just so much better on this side of the fence. Like I will, I will take it, I'll take, I'll take those little moments rather than walking every day trying to get validation and walking on eggshells. I know you know what I'm talking about. So, so it took a while to just accept like everyone else in this world, I am special and deserving. And worthy too, right? And I already had people, other people around me that did think I was special and important and valuable, you know? So open your eyes to that too. Speaker 1: (09:37)And also when you do disconnect from a narcissist, you do open yourself up and have more time for better people, more uplifting people, people that love you and don't wanna change you often, especially when we have gone through narcissistic abuse, we focus so much on who is not giving us what we need, wanting their validation that we ignore the people that do find us amazing. So does your narcissist ex-spouse, partner, friend, family member miss you? Nope. No. It is always about them and their needs. But you are freaking awesome and special to others and to yourself and to the big man upstairs. What? Yes, if you're a God person, that is important, remind yourself of that every single day if you're not, and be important to you or whatever higher power you feel a part of, because we're not put here to suffer and we are valuable every single one of us. Speaker 1: (10:41)So it is time to let go of anybody who makes you question yourself. Anybody? You with me? Good. You need to be appreciated. You are worthy of great things and you are special. You're just one of us Queens. Welcome to the club. All right, see you on the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christyade fun.
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Narcissists can get you into their sticky web, but there are ways to get out! Listen to today's episode to get more insight.
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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Yes, Queens. On today's episode, we are going to talk about going no contact. Ooh, this is my fire. I love this, but I know it can be difficult. So we're gonna talk about the challenges and the benefits. And on Thursday we're gonna talk about does your ex miss you during the no contact period? Ooh, ooh, the suspense. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:26)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:47)First things first. I never list. Now that's not it. First things first, how to go no contact. Okay, so this is I I mean it's pretty simple. No contact as far as what it actually means. It's very straightforward. It is going no contact with the narcissist in your life that you know you are going to be a healthier being if you do not have contact with them. If you absolutely cannot and you are co-parenting or something of this sort, you have to go to my Gray Rock method episode. I will link it below. I think it's episode five, but not sure. So I will link it, um, in my show notes. Alright, so going no contact. First of all, narcissist. Uh, they can really deflect. They can twist things. You know, they're manipulators. So one thing you have to be is very, very, very clear in what your decision is. Speaker 1: (02:37)You have to communicate this to them. You cannot do it all. If you're that strong, more power to you, as I've learned, I think it's more beneficial to state very clearly and simply what it is. So I, you could say something like, I am no longer going to be in communication with you of any kind. Please do not contact me. Now the next one, block all forms of communication. You're saying you do not want to contact them. You have made this decision, you need to mean it. And what helps you do that is blocking them. That can feel awful inside. Blocking seems like a really horrible thing, but horrible people, horrible decisions sometimes result in things that are not so comfortable that we are put in a situation where we have to do them. Such as blocking. It is not to be mean to somebody else. Speaker 1: (03:28)It is blocking to protect your peace. If you are on this journey or, and you're saying, I really want peace, I really wanna be fully disconnected from this person, then this truly is the way to ensure that obviously blocking their email, blocking their calls, blocking their texts, blocking their messenger. What are we in 1999? AOL Messenger? No, but any of the messenger apps on Facebook, Gmail, TikTok, wherever you are, all the social medias, whatever way there is a way for them to contact you, put a wall between you because you no longer want that communication. Right? Right. You ha, I'm telling you, you have to really mean it for this to work. Another reminder is to avoid triggering situations because this can can make us waiver where we're feeling strong and we're like, yeah, look at me. I block that mouth all over town. Everywhere. Speaker 1: (04:21)Yeah. And then we get into a triggering situation and all of a sudden we get that little softer side coming out. We're like, oh man, well maybe, maybe I should just unblock to know if they, if there's an emergency or to know, I mean they might. Maybe they're having a hard time. We start to go down a spiral. So try to avoid triggering situations that could lead to that where your heart strings feel tugged at. Don't be going looking at your cute little memories in your photo albums. Does anyone even have photo albums? I am showing my age. I'm 43. I might have some photo albums. Okay, don't go scrolling in your Facebook memories. Is that more modern and up to date peeps? I said peeps to be cool, but you get my point. Don't put yourself in triggering situations. That could be, oh, reaching out to their sister. Speaker 1: (05:13)You're just checking in to see how she is. No, maybe you're just reaching because you are missing them even though it may seem wrong. This is natural that we miss people even when we decide to cut them out of their lives. So it's like having a little access to the person. Maybe you're asking their cousin, oh, have you seen Dean? How's he doing? That's a triggering situation cuz they're gonna start talking about, oh well actually his cat passed away. And then you're like, oh, I should unblock my all my stuff so I can just real quick tell him I'm sorry his cat died. Right? No, stay locked up like a box. Alright, the fourth thing in this part here is focusing on self-care. This is a huge part and you can go back through a couple of my episodes that talk about self-care, how I really in my start of this journey when I disconnected what I did to help myself. Speaker 1: (06:10)But self-care is so important just to name a couple of things. Get your exercise, get your sleep, get support. This is so important. I could not have done my journey after the disconnect. Not even just through it, but after, cuz it's a whole new life. It's a whole, I mean it's a recreation of yourself. I could not have done that without support. So if you do want to work with me, I will mention this. I starting in about a month or so, I'm gonna be doing part-time. So I do have a couple of spots open if you wanna work with me. I will put a link again in the show notes. If you are looking to just have one call or have you know several, um, you can get like package deals. So I will put those below. But you really, really should have support again with somebody who understands narcissism. Speaker 1: (07:00)I cannot say that enough, whether it's me or somebody else, someone who gets narcissism. So self-care includes getting support and help. Alright, so let's talk about those challenges of going no contact. Ah, okay. The guilt is really y'all. Let's just start with the biggest one for, I mean that was huge. I had such guilt and it did not help that family members laid on bigger guilt onto me or you. Let's say you're in a romantic situation and maybe it's your in-laws or your friends even, right? Your friends have so much with you and your partner and you all are buddies and hang out all the time and they don't want that to end. They may even guilt you. So you have your own guilt on top of other people's guilt on top of, of course the narcissist guilt. Cuz you know dang well they are going to throw their guilt all up in that, right? Speaker 1: (07:51)So that is especially why I needed the support I did. The guilt was literally like eating me alive. It was really getting to me. Another challenge is loneliness and isolation. First of all, if this is especially like in romantic situations, a lot of times the narcissists will isolate you so you are dependent on them, right? We got the codependency thing thing going. So when, and if you get to have the glory of disconnecting from a narcissist, you feel great and free, but you also are on the other side and you could be lonely because you have been isolated, you have been manipulated into isolating yourself from your friends, from your family, and it's hard enough to deal with any breakup. You're going to feel lonely in ways, right? Because you're used to having this person, especially in narcissistic situations. If you are an empath with a narcissist, you are codependent. Speaker 1: (08:46)That's just gonna happen. And now you have to untether those cords that have been tied for X amount of time depending on your situation. So you've got loneliness and isolation to deal with. Again, why you need support. The third one is potential backlash from the narcissist. And this is tough and I do wanna recommend, I always will put the, um, hotline number, the domestic abuse hotline. I mentioned this now because hopefully the narcissist in your life is not violent. If they are, I do suggest getting support and also calling the hotline number to guide you if there is any sort of dangerous situation you are in, aside from dangerous situation, just narcissist in general, you're gonna get backlash, you're gonna get guilt, you're gonna get maybe name calling. They'll, they will go through a variety of their own emotions. So they may try to win you with being sweet and then when that doesn't work, they may get angry and call you names, then they may threaten you. Speaker 1: (09:43)Then they may do a smear campaign where they are telling other people bad things about you. So there is potential for that backlash again, why you need support . So I know it's like I'm repeating myself, but I really wouldn't have been where I am today without support. It's, it's just my piece was worth every penny. So the last thing here in the challenges is dealing with the trauma that was already there. You are already dealing with trauma. So the good news is this is the start of your healing. When you stay in a situation, you're, you can't heal when you're still in the situation, you can't heal. So that's the good news. You are starting the healing, but you do have to deal with it. So you may have to do therapy, you may have to kind of dig down and see, well what led me to this? Speaker 1: (10:27)How can I avoid situations like this in the future? All of that stuff, which I actually will be putting out a chorus soon. I am so excited about how to avoid narcissistic relationships like ever getting them again. We love that. So I'm really excited about that. So you're gonna deal with that trauma. So it's also the healing. What can you do to heal? That's stuff I work on with clients all the time. There's yin yoga, there's journaling, there's meditation, there's a billion ways to deal with the trauma. I do suggest therapy. I do suggest mindset work, physical work, taking care of yourself as far as your diet and health, all of that. So yes, with anything like this, there's going to be challenges, but I am telling you from my experience, from my client's experiences, the benefits of going no contact and cutting, like truly disconnecting from a narcissist is so worth any challenge. Speaker 1: (11:20)So the first one is regaining control of your life. Being able to not have to walk on eggshells. Being able to make your own decisions, not worrying about what the other person has to think or say. And you know, I know relationships are a compromise, but if you're in a narcissistic situation, you know what I mean, it is like you can't do anything, right? They want you co-dependent on them. They're gonna decide everything for you. And it's, it's really a stressful way to live. So you get to regain control of you. I, I call it you 2.0. Like look, you get to get your life back, right? This isn't just like normal healthy relationships where of course you're gonna compromise, you're gonna change, uh, dynamics change, that's life, right? You have kids, things change. If you're in a narcissistic situation, you know, it goes a lot deeper and I want you to be free of that. Speaker 1: (12:15)The second is healing from the trauma. So we talked about dealing, but you get to heal. So this is your time. You actually get to feel really good and start your mind, body, spirit, all that good stuff. You get to start off on a new track and you really get to start deciding and creating your own life. Like decide is, I love that word because you are deciding, I, I made a decision to get out of this and now I'm deciding who I wanna be now. And in our childhood it's, it's really hard. We have to listen to our parents and we're born into certain situations and there's something beautiful about starting over when you're a little bit older. Like for me, I mean I was like, gosh, 38, 37, 38 when I started to really unravel and see like, wow, I can actually do things my way, how I want in my life. Speaker 1: (13:10)And I felt really free and it's been like a dream. Like I'm creating, I'm still creating it, but I'm still, I'm like creating this dream life that I never thought I could have. And like, God, I want that for you guys. So just have hope. Hold on to that. Hope that you can do that. And it takes some time, but it's quicker than you think. Especially if you have support, especially with me cuz we move fast. I don't like to wait for stuff. I'm a Taurus, I'm going places, I'm running, like we got things to do. We're not gonna like shrivel up and sit and waiver in the past. And I'm not, I'm not doing toxic positivity where it's like, oh, forget it happened. Like, we sit in it a little bit, we have some tears, we do some stuff, but we also say, well I have this pain and I'm not gonna let it dictate my life. Speaker 1: (13:54)I'm not gonna let it take over my life anymore and I'm going to use it as a fire under my butt to have the most amazing life I can cuz I still can, despite everything I can, I'm telling you. So sorry, I get real passionate about that . All right. Now building healthier relationships is a third thing. This is, like I said, I'm gonna build a course around this because this is so important. Not just with romantic relationships though, really one of the beautiful things in my life is when I cut out a specific narcissist out of my life, it just opened my eyes to like, wow, that relationship really took over and I really let that person get away with a lot and I don't wanna do that anymore. And there are other people in my life that even if they're not narcissists, that just the relationships don't really work for me and I've put up with some crap that I really shouldn't, and I see things in a whole new way. Speaker 1: (14:52)It really lifted the veil off. I will say that can be hard because it's, it's almost like once you see it, you can't unsee it, right? And you're like, dang, Gina. Um, so, you know, with everything there, there's an upside and a downside. But the upside was amazing because I did clear out a couple of friendships from my life and I, you know, I wish them well. There's not like hard feelings, but there were certain things that just weren't sitting well in my body and I didn't feel good about. And it's not like I didn't value our past experiences and we had some great times, but there was just some that was not working anymore because I had a new perspective in life. So it's setting new standards for yourself, for your life, new boundaries, all of that, and building healthy relationships. And when you clear out some of those, which you may, it leaves room for people that you didn't even know existed, right? Speaker 1: (15:48)There's people out there that are really supportive and positive and not negative and not draining, and you don't have to walk on eggshells around. And that was really, really cool for me to experience. All right, the last thing here is improving your mental health kind of with the healing from trauma. It's, it's such an amazing feeling when you start to get your confidence back when you're building this 2.0 version of yourself. It is, it's magical. And I know I sound cheesy, but welcome to me it's just this magical experience of, of empowerment. I mean, that's the only, that's such an overused word, but I, for the first time in my life, and the, and this is just in the last few years, you guys, the first time in my life, I actually feel powerful over my own life and my own choices. And it's, it's just, it's inexplicable. Speaker 1: (16:42)And again, I want you guys to experience that. All right? So I also really want you guys to meet other like-minded people. So this is a reminder that I have a Facebook group for women only on Facebook. I always link it in my show notes, but join that. You will get a free gift from me there. But you can also build community on that page of other women going through what you have going, what you know, whatever stage you're in, there's people in there that have gone through it as well. So I'd love you to join that page. So in conclusion, we'll have a little recap. We talked about how to go no contact, the challenges of going no-contact, the benefits which far outweigh the challenges. I'm telling you of course, if you are in a dangerous situation, it is a different story. I want you to call that 800 hotline in the show notes and really prioritize your self-care and your healing and yourself and get the support you need. Speaker 1: (17:38)I am here. There's therapists out there again, there is that domestic abuse hotline. You don't have to be physically abused to use that phone number, okay? Just a reminder that going no contact, it is a brave and empowering choice. And it might be scary and it might feel crazy and it may still be hard to do. You might have done it a year ago, but you get sucked back in here and there. I get it. I have been there. I understand it is a very, very hard thing to do. The fact you try or trying it all shows your strength. So keep fighting for this. And if you need to replay this 11 times to help, just do that. Whatever you gotta do, reach out to me. You can always email me my emails in the show notes too. And remember, you are brave. You are amazing. And dang girl, you are beautiful. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www. christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade, fun.
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TRANSCRIPT:
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Hello. So the last episode, we talked about the signs of gaslighting, and today we're gonna talk about if you're being gas lit, five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. Speaker 1: (00:16)Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37)All right, does that narcissist got you down? They often use gaslighting as a tactic to take control, right? So I'm gonna talk about five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. First of all, stand firm in your truth. This is where they can make you feel so crazy. You've got to really be confident in the truth and know, okay, this is a narcissist, or this is a person who is trying to gain control so they will go to any length to make me be convinced that their story is the truth and mine is not okay. So you have to stand really firm in that and don't waiver in your conversations with them and even just in your own mind. Number two, and I preface this with, I come from a family of lawyers. Everyone is very big on documenting everything, writing everything down. Speaker 1: (02:29)It has saved me in many a situation. I mean, legally, personally, I, I write everything down and I, with narcissist specifically, I'm going to say, I've said it before, I am very passionate about this. If you are in, let's say, a co-parenting situation with a narcissist, do not have calls on the phone. If possible, have everything through email and through text. You can go through your lawyers and, um, ask them to make this an, you know, an addendum or add it to your, um, you know, custody papers. You should not have to contact them or them contact you about anything other than your children if it is a custody situation. Cuz in my mind, if you can avoid being in touch with a narcissist at all, we'd love to avoid that. So these situations, you're forced. If you do have someone in your family, you do not feel ready to disconnect totally from, or you have a boss or coworker that you think may be a narcissist, these are ways to help you. Speaker 1: (03:33)I of course, will always say, if you can get away from the narcissist, get away from the narcissist. That's the only way to really beat the narcissist . Okay, so we talked about standing in your truth and writing it down, right? Seriously, I take no risks with the narcissist and of course deal with them as little as possible. That being said, number three is that contact should be short and sweet. So if you do have to have the contact, make it clear and short. You don't have to make it sweet, actually, depending on your situation, you can just be clear and short. I would say also be firm. Like I say, stand in your truth. Don't add fluff. Don't try to use emotion to get them to be compassionate. Sometimes we can do that. Sometimes with narcissists we think, oh, maybe if I explain my feelings deeper or how much they're hurting me, no. Speaker 1: (04:24)First of all, they eat that up for supper. They love it, they want that, but also it won't work on them. Okay? Keep your emotions, that whole emotional part to yourself. Guard it with a cage . This is what we call the gray rock method. This is part of it at least, which in it's episode five, I believe on my podcast, goes deeper into the gray rock method. I will link that in the show notes. Um, but basically it's keeping things short and sweet. The gray rock is representative of just blending in, not letting them get a rise out of you not having emotion. Basically, you're a gray rock, and over time they tend to lose interest. And if you don't take their bait, it, it's kind of like they back off there can, you know, there can be patterns of them coming and, and checking to see if they still have control. Speaker 1: (05:16)Like, oh, maybe the gray rock misses me or whatever. But in general, it is a really great method that I have used myself and swear by. This is an important one. And I would say this is definitely hard when you have been, especially if you've been in a situation with a narcissist for a long time, and it's a close intimate relationship, whether it's romantic friendship, family ship, and even if you've been under the same boss for, you know, 10 years, they can have such a hold on you that you are terrified to rattle the cage. You walk on eggshells and I am giving you permission to leave without guilt. And this can look like leaving a conversation. This can look like leaving the relationship. This I know for some will be harder to hear or harder to do than others, but I am here to tell you I was, I was in a situation like that for so long where I was terrified and it wasn't just the narcissist that I was terrified of. Speaker 1: (06:22)It was the other people in our lives that guilt tripped me or me trying to disconnect from this person, right? So you can get guilt from multiple angles and it's hard and it's uncomfortable and that's why I'm a big advocate of getting support through me, through a therapist, whatever it is in your situation, because you really do. I got support during my situation. And yeah, I definitely think you need support when you are leaving a situation completely. But I'm also saying if you're in a conversation and you feel uncomfortable or you feel like they're manipulating you or you feel like you're getting sucked in, you're taking the bait, they are twisting things around, you are allowed to, I mean, take a breath, count to five and just say, I need to go. Whether it's on the phone, you hang up whether you are with them and you, you, you can call it Uber if I mean you, I know you're in like different situations sometimes where you feel like you might be stuck, you're not stuck, you are not stuck. Speaker 1: (07:27)And if it is a, um, dangerous or violent situation, please call the domestic abuse hotline. And that phone number is, um, in the show notes. But the best way to outsmart a gas lighter or a narcissist is to disengage. It's the gray rock. It's the not taking the bait. It's no longer walking on eggshells. It's being in your truth and it's disengaging. The second you feel that visceral reaction of this isn't right. I mean, your body speaks to you. So get familiar with your body. That's why you need those meditations. Go grab my four minute mood boost meditation. Just getting in touch with your body will help you so much when you are trying to just follow your intuition through narcissistic abuse. It's almost like we can, we can lose our own intuition. We can lose our own identity. We have been literally living in fear of someone else or for someone else depending on your situation. Speaker 1: (08:30)Um, so it's crazy stuff, but that's why you need support. So if you want to work with me, um, again, all my information is in the show notes. You can email me. That's probably the best way to do it. Um, so we can talk about in what way. There are different packages I have for coaching. Um, I do yoga and yin yoga really, really helps support the mind body balance. And I just did a couple episodes last week if you wanna listen to those that go in into more about yin yoga. So getting support, whether it's, you know, kind of talk therapy, coaching, yoga, you really need something if you are going through this. The post narcissistic abuse situation is real . Unfortunately, I've gone through it and I just, that's what I, why I do what I do. I I just want to help you guys accelerate through your healing and be strong enough to stay disconnected, to be strong enough and intuitive enough to recognize signs and to be able to not get into these situations, whether it's romantic, whether it's in the workplace, whether it's friendships to break the cycle, right? Speaker 1: (09:38)And you guys can do it. Um, you know, you ju just might need some guidance. That's, that's how I got here. I got guidance. I did a lot, had a lot of education, did a lot of research and my own experience, and I'm so passionate about it and I want, I want to help you. So I am here for you. Please email me and I will talk to you in the next episode. Don't forget, you are worthy of feeling good. You're not supposed to suffer and you're not crazy. You know the truth. Listen to your intuition. Get quiet enough to listen to yourself and start trusting yourself again. All right? See you in the next episode.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)In today's episode, we are going to talk about gaslighting. It is a buzzword, especially over the last few years. So we're gonna dive into it and maybe you're wondering, am I being gaslit? What are the signs of gaslighting? I will let you know. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:17)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.Christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:38)So there are several, several ways that you can be gaslit by a narcissist or, I mean, gaslighting can be a tactic used by people who are not narcissists, but narcissists definitely use a lot of these ways to get what they want. So number one, that is a pretty clear sign, especially if it's a pattern, is getting super defensive when you are just having a normal conversation asking a normal question that they will then turn against you. We'll get into that too. But watching their body language, seeing their response and their defensiveness when you are going about a normal conversation or a normal question, is definitely a sign. Number two, complete denial. They know it did happen, but they're so convincing they can make you believe that it did not. Um, especially over time, like you can really start to feel cuckoo. Like wait, they're so convincing. Speaker 1: (02:40)They look like they believe it honestly. They usually do not believe it, but they are so hellbent on being right and not being wrong that they will even try to convince themselves of another story or in the moment just defend, defend so much so that you start questioning yourself and then they take advantage of that and they can get you to agree with what they're saying or even twisting the story, which is comes to our next. Number three is twisting the story. May like, they're like, maybe it happened, but it's not, it's not what you remember, but you know the truth. Like you're there going, wait, I was there, I remember this happen. And they have this way of twisting the stories, twisting the narrative. They may twist the blame. Well, often they do twist the blame. That's very common, right? So a lot of twisting going on, twisting the story, twisting the blame. Speaker 1: (03:38)And that leads to the next one, which is the reversal. So they reverse everything. Like you come to them with, you know, maybe a request, maybe a boundary, maybe getting further information on something. It could be in conflict, it could not. But once they get that defense up, like we talk about number one, they will what I call the reversal, they will reverse it and deflect away from them having the accountability, right? So that again, it'll make you feel crazy. And then you're on the defense, right? So they are purposely reversing it. So then you're on the defense, you have to defense yourself and it gets away from the original problem that you brought to their attention. And they can do this even by just saying things like, oh, you're crazy or you're dramatic, or Remember when you did this or I was just joking and then you came back at me in, in upset, but I was just joking, right? Speaker 1: (04:36)There's so many different ways that they can do this reversal, but in general, look out for whenever you go to them to talk about something, does it get turned back on you? That is another very clear sign that you're being gaslit. Number five, shaming you for bringing something up. They can, yes, they can make you feel bad about it, like the reversal, they can deny it, but they can also shame you and go into a victim mode and you know, start to make you feel bad. And maybe they say something like, I was just trying to help but you, you know, deep down, like it's not helpful. But I was just trying to help and I was just, oh little, oh me little, oh in all innocent me. But they're not innocent. They are vindictive, they're intentional with what they're doing. And now they're going to shame you for bringing something up because they need the blame to get away from them. Speaker 1: (05:31)Similar thing with number six, dismissing your feelings. When you bring something up, it doesn't matter. It's almost as if their feelings are the only feelings that matter. That is how it feels to be with a narcissist. They will guilt you and do all that other stuff. But at the end of the day, if you ask yourself, does this person seem to value my feelings? Sit with that. If no, they don't seem to ever care about your feelings and they do all these things to dismiss your feelings and to get it back to where they're in a good light and maybe you're in a bad light, that is not cool. That's another sign. Number seven, in general, narcissists do not apologize. It is rare. There's certain situations, and this is where it can get tricky and that's why, you know, if you work with me or one of my clients, that is something that it's much easier on a customized basis to be like, for me to be able to help with because I can hear the language and people can talk me through what they're experiencing and I can, you know, really have an understanding of, okay, this person is, is not sincerely apologetic, right? Speaker 1: (06:40)There's ways and you can learn it yourself too. But I've, I've been through years and years of this education and in my own life that I can really detect it. But just to give a general overview, they generally don't apologize. Like I said, they'll turn things around on you if they do apologize, it would be something, the language could be something like, well, I'm, I'm sorry you feel that way. Or I'm sorry you perceived it that way. I'm sorry you, I'm sorry you. Or if they're really desperate, they, they can do a whole crocodile to your sincere sounding apology. So that's where it can get tricky. But I trust my gut on this a lot too in my, in my past experiences of does this feel like they're just trying to get what they want? Or does it feel like a bulb has gone off in their head? Speaker 1: (07:25)Sometimes? In the beginning of all this, the only way to know that is to see the actions that happen after. So sometimes I know a lot of us don't wanna have regrets. We don't wanna maybe kick people out of our lives without knowing. Well, maybe they were sorry. You don't give a million chances though, right? It's like if they're sorry, they're going to change that behavior because they want to make you happy and they don't want to act that way. Narcissists, they won't. So that's, that is a sign. If after they say they're sorry and the crocodile tears come pouring out and they're gonna do this and they make promises or whatever, it's lip service and the stuff keeps happening. That is your sign Honey bunny. That's it. They, they're not changing for me. More important than an apology though I value on it's nice. Speaker 1: (08:11)But more important to me is the changed behavior after the apology. Okay? So that is a sign though. If in general they really don't apologize, that can definitely be a sign. The number eight, playing the victim. So, well, what about me, right? Like if you're having a conversation and you bring something up and the other person says, what about me and my feelings? That is not necessarily a bad sign. I think it's human nature for us to also wanna feel seen and heard, right? So the difference is if this person is never taking accountability at all and then saying like, oh, what about me and my feelings and did it right? But they're never saying sorry, they're never taking accountability. That is also a sign in a normal relationship, you have a conversation, you share your feelings. Could there be defense or upset? Yes, we're human. Speaker 1: (09:03)So you have to understand the difference of that. And not calling everyone a narcissist that gets defensive or feels like a victim. Cuz sometimes people have insecurities, but is to look for the patterns and also the shared accountability. And that doesn't mean every situation, both people are quote at fault. But over time in your relationship, whether it's romantic or friendship or family ship, whatever, is family ship a word? I don't know. I like it. Whatever it is though. Does the other person ever say, yeah, I really hear you. I see how that could have been taken that way. I'm really sorry. Yeah, another time they might be like, you know, I just don't see it that way. We're gonna have to agree to disagree. I don't, I don't see it that way. Yes, but the narcissist will continually in a pattern, play the victim, not take accountability, maybe apologize, but there is no change to behavior. Speaker 1: (09:52)So those are eight signs. There, there are more. But these, this gives you like a really good starting point. And like I said, if you wanna work with me one-on-one, I have an opening right now. I will say coming up to the end of the school year, I will not be taking on private clients after mid-June except the ones who are grandfathered in that I'm already working with. So if you have been wanting to work with me, you might wanna get in there cuz I have a tight schedule and, uh, with my daughter being home for, for summer, I will be home with her and just working, uh, more of a part-time schedule. So look in the show notes if you'd like to see how to work with me. My website information is on there, my emails down there. You can join my free Facebook group for victims of narcissistic abuse. Speaker 1: (10:43)There are women in there who aren't sure if it's narcissistic abuse, but they've been mistreated and it's, it's just a really good place to hang out and work on thriving together. I have started putting little mini videos in there and, um, I do v i p pricing and stuff in there and on my email list, if you're not on my email list, definitely sign up. I have a four minute meditation. When you sign up for that, you start getting like my newsletters and emails again with v i p pricing and little golden nuggets. My videos will be coming soon through email as well. So if you wanna get more Christy Jade in your life, you can do it by either joining that Facebook group or signing up for the meditation. And then you'll be on my email list and we will end with your feelings matter. Okay? You deserve to feel valued and heard and your voice matters and you are a beauty queen. All right, we'll see you in the next episode.
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Whether you are connected or disconnected from your narcissist, they can still have major effects on you! Here are 5 quick yet effective tips to heal and calm your mind and body.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)Whether you are still connected or disconnected from a narcissist, they can still have power over you. They can trigger you, whether it's in the conversations with them or thinking back on your situation. A lot of triggers can come up. They get in those nooks and crannies and they bring out our insecurities. They make us feel cuckoo bananas, as my grandma used to say. I use other words. So we are going to talk about five quick ways and ways that I definitely used and still use when I am feeling triggered. It still happens in my journey too. You're not alone. Speaker 1: (00:39)Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:59)When we feel triggered and emotional, we want a quick fix. Can I get an amen? So I have found these five things to be the best. They're not the only methods or techniques to use, but these are five that I use and I love. So number one is yin yoga. I discovered this a few years ago and now I teach yin yoga cuz I love it that much. And I do classes, I do one-on-one sessions. But in the moment, even when you are having this kind of visceral reaction to a narcissist or to memories of a narcissist or things that are brought up because of a narcissist, it is so helpful to even just hold a yin yoga position for a few minutes. Yin yoga is so good at releasing the negative, really just, ugh, that awful energy you carry when you're getting triggered. And yin yoga, for me, I, I love all yogas, but yin yoga is my jam. Speaker 1: (02:57)It gets into the deep, deep parts physically and mentally that for me, other yogas did not reach. So I am a big advocate. It is, you don't need to be flexible, you don't need to be advanced in yoga. It is so simple, but so freeing. So with my coaching clients now, I do provide sequences, like customized sequences for them. It's all related to releasing trauma, releasing those negative energies, stagnant crap that's sitting in our bodies. And you can go online, you can find different things. If you sign up with me for coaching, I will create a sequence for you. I also, I'll put in the show notes. I have a YouTube class up. Um, I just made it public so I could share it with you guys. If you want an example, there's like a 45 minute letting go of, of negative energy sequence that I do on there. Speaker 1: (03:50)So you can check that out on my YouTube channel. But in the meantime, you can always go look up, um, yin yoga poses or yoga poses even that are related to releasing negative energy, having to do a trauma, any of that. But if you want something more specific, you can email me at fierce mama m a m a c gmail.com if you want to, you know, get something more customized. Number two, meditation and breath work. So I put these together because with trauma they are an amazing pair. Meditation does not have to be some crazy long exercise, right? It can be beautiful. I mean, I've done some long meditations and been like, whoa, the Holy Spirit just spoke to me. But you, this can be like a very quick few minute activation exercise, whatever you wanna call it. And it might take a little practice to get there where it's, you can drop into that quiet place and cut out the distractions, but you will get there and it's more quickly than you think. Speaker 1: (04:52)So if you pair this with breath work or even just doing the 4 78 technique, which I'll explain in a minute, it will make a big energy shift. So you can do them separately, but together they're so powerful. Just getting in a really quiet space. So you're kind of calming the body down and doing then like stepping into the actual breath work. So for the 4, 7, 8 technique, you breathe in for four seconds through your nose, you hold it for seven seconds and you exhale for eight and you repeat this until you feel like a calm little piece frog. I love this. It's a quick thing. I have taught my daughter to do it. I've taught friends to do it. I've taught my coaching clients to do it. It's so simple, but it really, really does just get you kind of out of your head and breaks that cycle. Speaker 1: (05:43)By the way, if you don't have my four minute meditation, it's a morning boost. I call it meditation. One of my client's favorite meditations I've created. If you don't have it, I will put that in the show notes. That is something you should be doing every morning. It's free. Just go grab it every morning to start your day off. You have four minutes, everyone's got four minutes. If you don't wake up four minutes earlier, it is worth it. I promise. When you start your day in that head space in a peaceful, calm, uplifting, it's a little empowering mind specifically, um, it just sets you off in a better mood. So that like anything coming in that day, anything negative, any stress, it will feel a little lighter. And if you want to, you know, do meditation throughout the day or at night, of course that's gonna amplify your results. Speaker 1: (06:34)But just doing that four minute meditation alone has changed my clients whole day, their energy and ah, I just love it. So that will be in the show notes. We have a lot of things in the show notes today cuz these are all tools and techniques and resources I have. Number three is journaling a plain notebook. We'll do get yourself a cute little pen, cute little notepad, making fun. But get those feelings out. Writing can really help release a lot of pen up, sadness, anger, resentment, any of those fun feelings as a result of narcissistic abuse. Yay. So just get it down on paper. I also created a not My journal, it's called hashtag not My. Um, that's my little coined phrase because as I went on this journey, I realized how much stuff I was carrying that was not mine to carry. Speaker 1: (07:26)And that was a result of, you know, abuse and mistreatment. And we learned to take on others crap that specifically narcissist who we were the victim of. But also we learned that as a behavior that it's almost just comfortable taking on feelings that really don't belong to us. We should not have to carry through our lives. So I created a notebook, and again, I'll put that in the show notes. You can get it on Amazon, but basically it has prompts for every day, every morning to basically just blah, drop those feelings into this notebook. And it's in four little, each page has four little sections. It, it just feels so good to get this stuff off your chest and start your day fresh. So fresh and so clean. Clean. Let's bring it back to the nineties. Was that nineties or two thousands? Number four is mirror work Mirror. Speaker 1: (08:17)I still have my mom's new yorken. Me Mira, it's m i r a Mira No mi rohr work . Can someone say that word right for me? So the premise with this is that you learn to love yourself by directly looking in your own eyes in the mirror and declaring your love. Mm-hmm. . Yeah, Queens. We're about to get crazy up in here, okay? But there is a book actually that talks about this. It's called Mirror Work, 21 Days to Heal Your Life. So Powerful. I will put that book in. Uh, it's from from Amazon as well. You can get it there. I'll put in the show notes. But in the meantime you can just practice saying, I love you in the mirror every morning. I know it sounds a little kooky, but if you wanna go deeper, this book will help you kind of dig up some stuff and looking in the mirror. Speaker 1: (09:07)Truly, this is so powerful, actually more powerful than I thought it was. I was like, oh, I guess it'll be nice. Let me read the book, see how it goes. It's actually really, really powerful and healing. So I know that's a longer term thing to read the book, but in the short term, and just, if you're having a moment just getting to a mirror and looking at yourself in your eyes and you can do affirmations, you can, you know, declare that self-love. You can say, I am worthy this person's feelings and these person's actions do not determine my emotions and my actions. Right? That's huge. That's a huge thing. So saying that on repeat will help you alone. Number six, support. So any kind of support, but support is necessary when healing from narcissistic abuse. This is my opinion, but I'm gonna scream it through the hill, through the hilltops at the, oh no, on top of the hilltops, on top of the hills. Speaker 1: (10:04)I'm gonna scream it somewhere. It's gonna be loud and crazy cuz that's the Italian stallion in enemy. No, I am telling you, you cannot walk this path alone. You should not have to. You shouldn't, you can, but it's, it's gonna take longer to heal and it's, it's gonna be hard, right? It's hard enough even with support, it's doable. I've come so far and I have many clients who we have walked through this together and they are doing amazing. So it's doable, but I'm telling you, without support, it is a lot harder and a lot slower. So therapy is awesome. One benefit of working with me is I give you Voxer access. So if you're having a moment, you can vent it to me on a voice message through Voxer, and I check a couple times a day, usually more so I can jump in there and can help coach you through it. Speaker 1: (10:57)Whether that is talk therapy, reminding you of a great way to break this cycle. Like we're talking about these tools here, or reminding you what a badass queen you are, but having support from someone and the accountability to stick to your healing journey. That might sound silly, but it is a journey and it is a decision. And it's, it's just like anything else when you choose like, I'm gonna start this exercise program, I'm going to eat healthier, right? This is just that in a mental health form, you're working on your mental health and accountability is also huge. So it's the support slash accountability. So if you wanna find ways to work with me, they're in my show notes. You can go to my website, um, you can always email me again, fierce mama c gmail.com with any questions, but you should not walk this alone. Speaker 1: (11:47)And I have a very deep understanding of narcissism. And as I always recommend, even if you don't work with me, find someone who truly understands it and has been a victim themselves of narcissistic abuse and walk through that. I, I feel like I always may get flack for saying that because there are people who study this and don't have the experience. And just from me living through it, I know what it takes to truly understand it in a way that other people don't. So even if it's not me, find somebody who gets narcissistic abuse and has actually walked through it. So let's recap. Five awesome quick ways to heal When you are triggered are yin yoga poses, meditation and breath work, journaling, mirror work, and of course getting that support. All the information will be in the show notes. And let's end with some affirmations. Speaker 1: (12:45)You know, I love me some affirmations. Okay, hand on heart, take a breath. If you, if you're driving, don't touch your heart that you need to touch the steering wheel, okay? But if you are not and you are in a, a safe, calm place, , put your hands on your heart, shut your eyes. And I want you to feel this. You can write it down and add it to your morning affirmations. Okay? I am not going to let someone else's emotions determine mine. I am in control and I am free. Let's do it another time. I'm in the mood for a little extra. I am not going to let someone else's emotions determine mine. I am in control and I am free. Ugh. How's that feel? Yes. Okay, I will see you in the next episode. Have a wonderful week. And again, all this information is always in my show notes in the podcast description, smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka a the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade fun.
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