Episodi
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#116. Let's Chat... about what it looks like when we use social media to show and share our grief.
These 'Let’s Chat' episodes are conversations with guests who have experience/expertise in a particular area of loss.
In this episode, I (Claire Sandys) chat to Rebecca Feinglos in North Carolina who is a certified grief support specialist and the founder of Grieve Leave - which offers grief support, education and training for workplaces.
By the age of 31, Rebecca had lost both her parents and was dealing with the end of her marriage, these losses led her to take a year off to process them all, which is what she called her Grieve Leave.
During this time, Rebecca started blogging about her grief and its popularity eventually led her to set up Grieve Leave as an organisation in 2021 to help others. This online community now has an impressive 30,000 members worldwide, who all share their grief, or are looking to help others who are grieving, particularly through the use of social media.
With her experience of seeing and sharing grief online, I was keen to talk to Rebecca about grief in the online world. Does it help or hinder us? How has the internet opened up new areas of grieving for us? And how do we accept those? There's a lot of ground covered in this chat, including raccoons (!) and a question I've never asked before in a Let’s Chat episode (for you regular listeners, see if you can work out what it is.)For more about Rebecca and Grieve Leave:
https://www.grieveleave.com
https://www.instagram.com/grieveleave
https://www.instagram.com/rfeinglos
Viral video of Rebecca & Adele:
https://www.tiktok.com/@rfeinglos/video/7177076659344919850Support the show
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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#115. Have you ever considered the losses that might be encountered by going through puberty early? Have you even heard of precocious puberty? Let alone think about it in the context of grief.
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.
Loss #58 of 101: Loss of agency over your body through precocious puberty
Meet Dannie-Lu Carr, who lives on the south coast of England in St Leonards-on-sea, and is an executive coach, author, singer-songwriter, actor and director.
Dannie-Lu went through precocious puberty (or early puberty) at the age of 8 years old, and she shares the subsequent losses she's encountered in her life since.
This is a very valuable conversation about an area of grief that people might not consider or know much about. We're hoping it will be a useful tool to help adults who might have children they know going through, but also to help anyone that went through it themselves and who is still processing what was taken from them through that experience.
Dannie-Lu shares about why it's only now, in her 40's, that she can talk about it, what she's learnt from it, how it's shaped how she sees herself (especially her body), and what she's gained from it.
For more about Dannie-Lu, visit:
https://dannielucarr.com/
https://portfoliodlc.com
https://flamingleadership.co.uk
Social media:
https://www.instagram.com/dannielucarr/
https://www.instagram.com/dannie_lu_carr_music
Music:
https://dannielucarrmusic.com
Podcast:
https://complicatedpod.co.uk/Support the show
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What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
Episodi mancanti?
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BONUS EPISODE TIME!
... and this episode contains something that I've never shared on the podcast before.
Welcome to The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.
Many of you will know that I (Claire Sandys, host) enjoy podcasting (of course!) and writing, and drinking Earl Grey tea and eating marzipan, but what you might not know is that I also occasionally speak at church gatherings.
This year I was asked to share something at the annual All Soul's service, which is specifically for people to come to remember those who have died. This usually takes place the week of Halloween, or as it used to be called All Hallows Eve.
So my remit for the talk was 10-15 mins on grief, loss, and the hope we have through our faith (you're starting to see why I was asked to do this, aren't you?!)
And because it was SO similar to what I also do on the podcast, and because maybe you are remembering a loved one you've lost, I thought I'd share it with you as a bonus episode.
So here it is...Support the show
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What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
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Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#114. How does the grief of losing someone to suicide differ from other deaths? What emotions and questions does it raise? And what if it's your spouse who's died, and you're five months pregnant with his child?
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.
Loss #57 of 101: Loss of a husband to suicide while pregnant
Meet Rachel Hart, from Liverpool, who recalls the time she was five months pregnant and the police knocked on her door to tell her that her husband had been found dead. She was later told he had died by suicide.
Rachel is no stranger to grieving, having lost both her parents before her mid-30’s, but this kind of grief took her to a whole new level.In this episode, Rachel shares about the blessing that the Covid lockdowns turned out to be (with a new baby), how she managed new emotions like anger that were tied in with her grief, and what people can say (and avoid saying!) when faced with a story like hers. Plus, she shares how and when hope returned to help her look to the future.
And we send many congratulations to Rachel (and her newly wed husband), because they got married within days of us recording this episode.
Charities and organisations Rachel wants to share links to: https://www.instagram.com/calmzone/
https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/
https://uksobs.com/
Nora McInerny books Rachel mentioned: https://noraborealis.com/
For help on language around suicide: https://shiningalightonsuicide.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/Language-guide-for-talking-about-suicide.pdfSupport the show
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What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#113. Life is hectic. Sometimes we simply need to stop for a moment. And that’s what this short episode is all about.
Oh, and the beautiful sounds of the Eternal Forest in Wales…
Welcome to The Silent Why podcast, here to help you navigate loss and grief, and possibly... find hope.
These new, very short, episodes will pop up every now and then to help you take a moment to check in and see how you're really feeling.
7 minutes total, including 2 minutes of time for you and you alone - join me in an imaginary place and allow yourself to press pause on life for a short while.
And for this episode I'm asking you to come for a stroll with me down the peaceful paths of the Eternal Forest natural burial ground in North Wales, listen to the birds, the quiet, and nature just doing it's thing around you.Support the show
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What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#112. What is it like doing chaplaincy work on the frontline with the police? Or experiencing the worst humans can do to each other up close?
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.
Loss #56 of 101: Loss in the role of a Police Chaplain
Meet Jared Altic, a returning podcast guest who is here to talk to us about what it's like to work as a full-time Pastor, voluntary Police Chaplain at his local police department in Kansas City, and podcaster.
Jared Altic has over 25 years of experience serving and counselling military and law enforcement families, responding to families of crime victims and working long term with police in areas of wellness. And we spoke to him over 2 years ago in a Let's Chat episode, and now he's back as part of our list of 101 losses.
In this episode Jared shares why why he does this kind of work, the challenges it can bring to his own wellbeing, how he makes sure his work doesn’t always get the best of him, and the toll being around death can take.
Yet, despite all the horrendous things Jared has witnessed, he’s still a strong believer in hope... for everyone.To listen to Jared's podcast, ‘Hey, Chaplain’, visit: https://heychaplain.buzzsprout.com/
And we specifically recommend an episode we mentioned on compassion fatigue and you can listen to that on any podcast player or through his website: https://heychaplain.buzzsprout.com/1792621/10314453-025-what-is-compassion-fatigue-richard-hartman
To read, or listen to, Claire's top tips on how to speak to people who are grieving, visit: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrievingSupport the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#111. So, is grief selfish? I mean it's largely about something we're sad about. It's something we've lost or miss. So, is it a selfish thing?
Let's open up this can of worms, shall we?!
Welcome to another My Why from Claire Sandys (co-host of The Silent Why podcast). My Why episodes are audio versions of my latest blog post. If you'd prefer to read it, you can find it here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/is-grief-selfish
I overheard a conversation in a charity shop, and it really made me chew over this question all the way home - is grief selfish?
Does that question make you feel uncomfortable? Is it grief-podcast-suicide to suggest it might be selfish? Do we make grief all about us when we shouldn't? Is it possible to get stuck in grief in a selfish way? Do you assume the definition of selfish is always bad? Will people throw shocked faces at me just for posing this question?
Join me to find out.Support the show
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What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#110. Do you find the summer hard, painful, a reminder of things you don't have?
Whether you have children, don't have children, go on holiday, don't go on holiday - things do shift a bit in this month, and because of that, things are a bit different at The Silent Why HQ too.Welcome to another episode from me, Claire Sandys, host of The Silent Why podcast. This one is a bit of an update on what's happening over the next few weeks, and why.
I've decided to repeat what I did last year and take some time to focus on my writing over August, and I'm very excited about it. So this episode tells you a bit more about that, and just generally catches you up with all things Silent Why-y.
If this is a month you struggle with, then check out the blog I mention: The Season of August. Listen on any podcast player or here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/76de59b8/blog-my-why-the-season-of-august
Read: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/theseasonofaugust
And the favourite blog I mentioned: Listen: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/4da01fa4/blog-my-why-meet-my-friend-the-moon
And don't forget you can support the show (and ultimately fuel my tea drinking while I'm writing over the summer) by visiting Buy Me A Coffee or buying a Herman to send to someone. 10% off in August with the code PODCASTLOVE.
And to follow Herman on Instagram go to: www.instagram.com/thehermancompany
Thank you so much for listening to The Silent Why, may your hope-tank never be empty because of it.Support the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#109. What if your loved one doesn't have a 'good' death? How do you cope with the trauma of witnessing someone suffer at the end of their life?
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.
Loss #55 of 101: Loss through a bad/complex death
In this episode we chat to Kay Backhouse, in Morecombe, Lancashire, about the death of her youngest brother, Syd, to neuroendocrine cancer in 2019.
Kay was living in Australia with her family when her brother was first diagnosed, and one day she received some unexpected communication from him that started a chain of events that led her back home.
Sadly, a couple of years later, in a hospice, with his family, Syd suffered a 'bad death' or 'complex death' which added an extra, very painful, level of grief and trauma to Kay's loss.
This is a subject you don't often hear discussed, so we're very grateful to Kay for chatting to us about her experience.
Kay believes that if she’d been better prepared, or educated, about deaths like this, then maybe the way her brother died wouldn't have been so traumatising.
She's now passionate to help others learn more about death, and we believe it's an important topic we should all be willing to learn about - not only in case we go through it, but also to help others.
And Syd's death has had a profound impact on Kay's personal and professional life; the way she views death, sees hope, spends her time, and views the future. This is a conversation that is anything but sad and depressing, it is a story of hope.
For more about Kay, and her book, 'Losing You, Finding Me', visit: https://www.kaybackhouse.com
Listen to our other episode with Kay & Maddy: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7c8f6445/lets-chat-life-in-a-hospice-with-maddy-bass-and-kay-backhouse
Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, if you don't have an Apple device: https://podmatch.com/blog/how-to-leave-an-apple-review-for-a-podcast-from-your-iphone-ipad-or-from-your-computerSupport the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#108. I've always loved graveyards. I'm not sure what it is about them that draws me in, but a little while ago I decided to record my musings as I wander round them.
So that's what these Graveyard Musing episodes are, just me and my phone, in a graveyard. And sometimes I go international (like this one) and sometimes Chris joins me (like this one).
Anyway, welcome to another Graveyard Musing from me, Claire Sandys (host of The Silent Why podcast).
In this musing, Chris (husband) and I are wandering around Moorslede Communal Cemetery in Belgium.
Come with us to explore how different graves are in Belgium, and hear our thoughts as we look around a very crowded cemetery in Moorslede, but also a beautiful one we find on the other side of the road.
For the photos that accompany this episode, so you can visualise what we're talking about, visit: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/graveyardmusingsbelgiumagain
If you want to hear more episodes like this, check out:
Graveyard Musings, Tyne Cot & Ypres, Belgium: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7f63d7e9/graveyard-musings-tyne-cot-and-ypres-belgium
Graveyard Musings: Llanfair Talhaiarn, Wales:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7e418cc4/graveyard-musings-llanfair-talhaiarn-wales
Graveyard Musings: Gloucestershire, England (Part 1 of 3):
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/76b3f1f7/graveyard-musings-gloucestershire-england-part-1Support the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#107. Let's Chat... about what day-to-day life is like working in, or visiting, a hospice.
Let’s Chat episodes chat to guests who have experience/expertise in a particular area of loss. In this episode, I (Claire Sandys) chat to Maddy Bass (Director of Nursing) and Kay Backhouse (Clinical Administrator) who both work at St John's Hospice in Lancashire.
Maddy has wanted to work with people who are dying all her life and is passionate about her work and providing the best possible care, and Kay has experienced the death of her brother in a hospice and since then has started volunteering at St John’s. So they’re the perfect pair to give us an insight into what life is like working in a hospice, but also what it’s like as the family members of someone who is having end of life care.In this episode we chat about how it works when you need a hospice, who pays for it, what the atmosphere is like, why they’re so important, what’s their role compared to hospitals, what would they want people to know about hospices, and how working around grief and death affects their own dealings with it personally.
For more about St John's Hospice in North Lancashire & South Lakes, and some of their own podcast, visit: www.sjhospice.org.ukFor more about Kay, and her book, 'Losing You, Finding Me', visit: www.kay.backhouse.com or www.instagram.com/kay_backhouse
And for the episodes I mentioned about our time doing work experience in a Funeral Directors:
'Wales, work experience, bitey flies, chips and Dave': https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/78783914/wales-work-experience-bitey-flies-chips-and-dave
Blog: Seeing my first dead body: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7af9430b/blog-my-why-seeing-my-first-dead-bodySupport the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#106. Ever felt the grip of serious addiction? Drink and drug addictions can destroy life, but what about the person in recovery who's celebrating being 'clean' while also having to accept the loss of the many things ruined by years of misuse?
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.
Loss #54 of 101: Loss through addiction
We're so excited to share this episode, not only is it an episode that's been requested by those who have been through it, but it looks into a topic that is hugely connected to grief, yet so often overlooked - addiction.
Addiction can cause the loss of health, relationships, family, control, identity, freedom, money, homes, even life itself, and so much more. So when you reach recovery, and are then faced with all you've lost, how do you grieve that?
In this episode we chat to Lisa Newman from the beautiful town of Stroud in England. We've known Lisa for a few years and she agreed to come and talk to us about the loss and grief she’s experienced through addiction to alcohol and drugs.
Addiction entered her life when she was around 10 years old, and in the following decades it took her to some dark places which later saw her homeless, in prison and in-and-out of hospital.
Lisa shares her journey with us including; the grief of now being single and childless, the pain of watching friends have grandchildren, the precautions she has to take to use pain medication, the loss of friends to addiction, the pain and confusion for those around her, what recovery has been like, and the challenges of rebuilding a life while also mourning the loss of the life you thought you’d have.
This is a very honest and important conversation about the power of addiction, the power of being free/clean, but also the live-changing power of hope and gratitude.
Lisa now spends her time helping other people come off drink and drugs, for more about her, visit:
www.recalibrate-recovery.com
www.linkedin.com/in/lisa-newman-recalibraterecoverycoach/
www.instagram.com/lisadoesyogaSupport the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
BONUS EPISODE TIME!
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.
In last week's episode (Loss 53) we spoke to a friend of ours, Laura Burns, about alopecia and coming to terms with the loss of her hair, but she wasn't the only one sat in the podcast studio for that in-person interview.
Quietly perched in the corner was husband, Jonathon (a friend of ours, which is how we met Laura in the first place).
In the episode last week Laura shared about losing her hair at the age of 22 years old through alopecia (in 2011) and the challenges this can raise when dating and choosing what information to tell people and when.
[And you might want to hear that episode before listening to this one, link below].
So, we decided we wanted to chat to Jonathon as well, what's it been like from his side of things, and how has he navigated this with his own health challenges.
Both Laura and Jonathon have had more than their fair share of health conditions. Jonathon was born with renal failure and later had a kidney transplant, and Laura has had brain surgery more than once, so they're not strangers deep, difficult conversations.
In this chat, Jonathon shares his side of the 'wig flying off story', how he's managed his own health challenges, how they communicated about their health when dating, how they've found their way in marriage together, and what part faith has played in that.
How this couple are, and see life, despite all their health challenges, is truly inspiring.
Loss 53/101 Episode (Loss of hair through alopecia): https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7a41eed1/loss-53101-loss-of-hair-through-alopecia-laura-burnsSupport the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#105. What's it like to suddenly start losing your hair at the age of 22? How open should you be about it when start dating?
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.
Loss #53 of 101: Loss of hair through alopecia
Meet Laura Burns, a social worker for an anti modern-slavery charity, but also a friend of ours who lives in The Black Country. Laura married our friend Jonathon in 2022, and we had the privilege of being at their wedding.
This is only our second in-person interview, after nearly 200 podcast episodes! So it was very exciting to chat face-to-face with Laura in our podcast studio.
Alopecia first appeared in Laura’s life in 2011 when she was 22 years old. Alopecia areata is a disease that happens when the immune system attacks hair follicles and causes hair loss, and Laura explains the different types and which ones have affected her over the years.
Both Laura and Jonathon have had more than their fair share of health conditions. Jonathon was born with renal failure and later had a kidney transplant, and Laura has had brain surgery more than once. But it was only recently Laura told us she has alopecia, so we asked if she'd come and tell us about her experience, and she agreed. This was the first time we were hearing her story, so it was a real honour to record it for the podcast to share with you.
Laura talks about what kind of loss alopecia is, the journey to finding the right wig (pop over to our social media to see how gorgeous that is!), how she found the right man 😉, and how it's not always been easy to know what to share with others and when.She also shares some of the more humorous moments, e.g. when her now-husband Jonathon first saw her without her wig - well worth tuning in for.
This is a very honest conversation about a very visual and complicated loss, especially because identity can be so closely connected to our hair. Laura shows us how hope can find a way in and how important gratitude has been to her.
For more information and support with alopecia: https://www.alopecia.org.uk/
PLUS: Tune in next week for a bonus material episode, because after this interview we recorded a chat with her lovely husband, Jonathon Burns.Support the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#104. What's it like to handle a human heart? Or to operate in that small space between life and death? And is there grief for a surgeon when a patient dies during, or after, surgery?
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.
Loss #52 of 101: Loss of a life for a heart surgeon
Meet Mark Field, a cardiac surgeon from Liverpool (in the north of England) who joined me (Claire), in-between commitments at work, to talk about life, death and loss in heart surgery.
Now, this isn't a subject that's discussed much with surgeons, and you'll hear Mark say that even he had reservations talking about it, but it's such an important area to highlight. Just because you work in a career that encounters death, doesn't that mean you find it any easier to face than people in other jobs. And, like many other careers we've covered on the podcast, it's once again surprising how little training is provided to medical professionals when it comes to delivering the news of a patient’s death. Especially when people's responses to bad news are so varied.
I was introduced to Mark through the Aortic Dissection Charitable Trust, and knew this was a man I wanted to speak to when he sent me the best excuse for being late to a Zoom call ever. I received an email just after the start time had passed that simply said: “Sorry Claire. 5 minutes! Trying to prevent death!!”
In this conversation you'll hear about how hard it is when major operations don't end with a healthy recovery, how surgeons control (or don’t control) human emotions, the privilege of working with such a valuable organ, and why hope plays such an important role in Mark's job.
And because trying to co-ordinate the diaries of a journalist and a heart surgeon got really tricky, Chris wasn't able to join me in this episode, so I was flying solo for the first time in 53 losses.
If you want to hear how other careers handle dealing with death, visit www.thesilentwhy.com/letschat and scroll down to 'Jobs working with loss, grief and death' for a full list.Support the show
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What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#103. When a close family member dies, like a parent, it's easy to assume there was love there, but what if you're not sure if you loved that person, or even if they loved you, what does grief look like then?
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.
Loss #51 of 101: Loss of a dad ('that I don't know if I loved')
And yes, this means that as we've reached Loss 51 - we're officially over halfway through our 101 loss list! Exciting! Check out all previous episodes online at www.thesilentwhy.com/101losses or see our last episode where we reflected on the previous ten stories of loss and grief. But there are also many more to go, so back to today's guest...
In this episode you'll meet Thea Rickard, from Bristol in England. Thea's in her twenties and lost her dad, Jonathan Rickard, when he was in his sixties in 2018. About a year ago she produced a short audio documentary called Our Dad (link below) which Chris listened to and then shared with me, because something she said caught his attention: 'Grieving for somebody, or the idea of somebody, who you’re not sure if you loved, is the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered.' Keen to explore what it's like to grieve someone you don't know if you loved, especially a parent, we invited her to talk about it with us on the podcast.
As Thea has reflected on her dad’s life, his relationship with alcohol, his dream to be an actor, the terrifying and the tender moments she's seen in him, she's had to explore what it's like to grieve for a man she wasn't sure if she loved, or even if he loved her. Like she said in her documentary: ‘It would be easier if he was “the villain” of the piece, but he’s not the antagonist in a story, he’s a human being.’
There is so much wisdom and empathy in this chat, well beyond Thea's years, so we know you’re going to appreciate this very honest conversation.To listen to Thea's 15 minute audio project, 'Our Dad', where she talks about her father with her siblings, visit: https://soundcloud.com/thearickard/ourdad
Support the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#102. I've always loved graveyards. I'm not sure what it is about them that draws me in, but a little while ago I decided to record my musings as I wander round them. So that's what these Graveyard Musing episodes are, just me and my phone, in a graveyard (and sometimes Chris!).
Welcome to another Graveyard Musing from me, Claire Sandys (host of The Silent Why podcast).
In this musing, Chris (husband) and I are wandering around Llanfair Talhaiarn Cemetery in North Wales.
Come with us to hear the sounds of the Welsh countryside (a.k.a. sheep!) and hear our thoughts as we look around a beautiful cemetery in a valley in the gorgeous Welsh countryside.
If you want to hear more episodes like this, check out:
Graveyard Musings, Tyne Cot & Ypres, Belgium: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7f63d7e9/graveyard-musings-tyne-cot-and-ypres-belgium
Graveyard Musings: Gloucestershire, England (Part 1 of 3):
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/76b3f1f7/graveyard-musings-gloucestershire-england-part-1Support the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#101. Another milestone reached! We've hit loss number 50 on our mission to explore 101 different types, meaning we only have 51 (!) to go. So we're just half an episode away from being halfway through all 101!
In this episode we (Chris & Claire Sandys) pause briefly to discuss the last batch of losses, 41-50, and what nuggets of wisdom we've taken from each guest.
We're loving every second of talking to others on this podcast, but we're also learning a lot about healthy ways to process our own grief, whether childlessness, pets, relatives, friends, health, or even just the day-to-day losses we sometimes face.
And the not-yet-famous-but-might-be-one-day 'Hermontage' is back! As we, once again, mix together the last 10 guest's Hermans. If you don't know what a Herman is, check out the link below.
Huge thanks to Losses 41-50: Lisa Kolb Ruland, Harry Kind, Chris Lord-Brown and Jonathen Harty (double guest episode), Samantha Langford, Margaret Reed Roberts, Jody Day, Jeanette Koncikowski, Julia Trehane, John Cronin and Catherine Fowler (another double guest episode), and Stephen Downes.
Plus, we end this episode with something very special - The Herman Song, sent to us by an avid Silent Why listener and supporter - John Cunningham.
If you'd like to see our guests and encourage them, pop over to our social media for the latest collage of their lovely faces and hit 'like'.
To listen to the full episodes go to: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/101losses.Support the show
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thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#100. When you lose your dominant arm, what's worse, the emotional toll, or the physical loss?
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to chat about grief and see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.
Loss #50 of 101: Loss of a left arm and shoulder
Meet Stephen Downes from Cornwall, who was diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma at the age of 22 when he found a lump in his neck on Christmas Day, 1997. After intensive radiotherapy that seemed to be it, until he felt another lump in the same place in 2022.
Diagnosed as a myxofibrosarcoma (a rare malignant, cancerous, tumour) Stephen was told he would need to have his left arm, shoulder and three ribs removed or the cancer would kill him. Just weeks later he had a 14-hour operation to remove it all in Derriford Hospital (a teaching hospital with an integrated Ministry of Defence Hospital Unit).
This is a very honest conversation about a very big, and very recent loss. Stephen talks about how others have responded to his amputation, when he does and doesn't need help, whether he minds people asking about it, why this hasn't been the hardest loss he’s had to face, and what mentality keeps him going and persevering to do the things he loves - like surfing.
For more about Stephen:
https://www.instagram.com/the_onearmedsurfer/
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100087628640542
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61557078361569
https://www.linkedin.com/in/onearmedsurfer/
His Podcast: 'Chopped: Strength through Vulnerability': https://open.spotify.com/show/25U9PwuZPoHMzEmqklrtenPlus, the episode we mentioned about the loss of an arm, and a career (Loss 4/101 with Dan Richards): https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/4a76699e/loss-4101-loss-of-a-right-arm-and-shoulder-dan-richards
Support the show
-----
thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. -
#099. Here it is again - Mother's Day.
As many mum's across the UK will be glowing with pride at the presents their children offer, other women will be wincing a little (or a lot) every time they see these words. Well, as a childless-not-by-choice (cnbc) woman I know how they feel, and I'm here to share how I'm learning to mark it without letting it mark me.
This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around loss and grief and to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss. It's hosted by me (Claire Sandys), with husband Chris joining in for the '101 loss list' episodes.For this episode, I'm re-releasing a recording I did last year just after Mother's Day (with a newly added intro for you this year). I had decided to do things a little differently in 2023 and I just switched the microphone on and winged it! Working from a few notes I made on my Supernote, I chatted about why Mother's Day is a challenge, who struggles with it, how I get through it, how we can refocus it, and what I've found to be helpful along the way.
And don't forget if you know someone that really struggles with Mother's Day, why not send them a Herman? It doesn't have to arrive on the day, and it might be just the boost they need: www.thehermancompany.com
For more about our childless journey listen to Episode 3 - Loss of fertility - where we chat in more detail about our experience: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/492a29c1/loss-3101-loss-of-fertility-chris-and-claire-sandys-part-1
For the full blog post by Amy Young that I read from: https://www.messymiddle.com/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
And if there are certain losses you'd like to learn more about from us, or our guests, scroll down the 'Let's Chat...' page on our website to the list of topics and you can see some of our episodes categorised there: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/letschat
Or you can see our full list of 101 losses so far here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/101lossesSupport the show
-----
thesilentwhy.com | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn
What's a Herman? / Buy a Herman - thehermancompany.com
Support the show: buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwhy
Sign-up to my mailing list (only used for sharing news occasionally!): thesilentwhy.com/newsletter
How to talk to the grieving: thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving
Review the show: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Goodpods
Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening. - Mostra di più
