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On today's podcast I am going to be introducing a three week series on breaking down the 4 obstacles of Anxious Attachment. In these episodes I am going to talk about the 4 major obstacles I have noticed that people with anxious attachment have and how to overcome them using thoughtwork and learning how to develop the skill of feeling hard emotions.
As I really reflect on my life with anxious attachment I see these 4 obstacles over and over again. They are what keep coming up,they are why I am so thankful for the tools I have learned to manage my mind and be aware of my thoughts. They are what I need to know how to process and manage because if I don’t they can make little problems in relationships into big problems.
The first obstacle that occurs often when my anxious attachment is activated is overthinking of anxious filled thoughts, obsessive thoughts, that are most often are negative creating a lot of uncomfortable emotions. The second obstacle is the inability to feel the uncomfortable feelings these thoughts produce, such as fear of rejection or abandonment, overwhelm, and stress. Bringing me to the third obstacle our deep fear of abandonment, the fear that someone is going to leave, or reject us. Our fear of not being loveable and being left, is such a deep fear for people with anxious attachment that when we feel these emotions we don’t feel safe, our brain tells us that we are not emotionally safe and have to take action now to ensure that we stay safe. This inability to feel intense uncomfortable emotions often creates an urgency to hurry up and react to a situation. Which leads us to the final obstacle, the need for external validation, the need for other’s approval or praise to feel good enough, to feel loved, to feel secure, to feel seen or valued.
So to recap, the 4 main obstacles people with anxious attachment encounter are overthinking, inability to feel uncomfortable emotions without taking action, fear of abandonment, and seeking external validation.
This is why it is so important for us with anxious attachment to know what our brain is telling us, why self awareness isn’t optional it is imperative. We have to be aware of what our brain is telling us because these thoughts will run or ruin our relationships if they cause all these emotions undetected.
Lack of self awareness is not a luxury we are entitled to.
If we do not know what our anxious attachment cycle looks like. If we do not know that it is our thoughts that are creating these intense emotions and fears. If we are not aware of our thoughts- we will think it is the triggering event that is causing the problem. We will think our partner is the problem. We will put blame in the wrong place and we will not problem solve for the effective solution.
If I was not aware of my anxious attachment cycle, if I was not aware that my thoughts create my feelings, If I was not aware of all of my anxious thoughts if I was not able to know the difference between what thoughts are true and what thoughts my brain just likes to tell me when these events happen. I would have blamed my feelings on my partner communicating her feelings. I would have made this misunderstanding about her not understanding me, and either made her reaction to what happened the problem or made me the problem by in agreeing with all the mean thoughts my brain is telling me.
To put it simply- when we don’t understand our anxious attachment cycle, when we are not aware of our thoughts- we make problems bigger than they are- we place blame where it doesn’t belong and we justify or get defensive instead of getting curious.
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People ask me Amber what is life coaching? I think of it as mental and emotional maintenance, where you learn mental and emotional tools and strategies to transform your life. its learning and unlearning thought patterns that are keeping you stuck, so that you can get unstuck and get the life that you want. It’s learning how to feel and process uncomfortable emotions so that your emotions don’t control you but you control them.
People ask me what do you get from life coaching? Why should I pay money and join your program? I tell them they should only join my program if they are ready to do the work, only if they are ready for their life to change from the inside out, only if they want to do the work to get emotional and mental freedom.
I share my personal experience, I tell them learning life coaching skills and concepts, being coached and really understanding my brain patterns and the emotions they caused changed my life, saved my life- and it can do the same for them. The value of life coaching to me as someone with anxious attachment, anxiety, and depression is higher quality of life - mentally and emotionally.
The value is being able to live in a body that can grow its capacity to feel hard emotions without being reactive or demanding. The value of life coaching is learning that even though my brain tells me one thing, doesn’t make it true.
The value of life coaching is learning to choose your life, choosing how you want to show up in it, learning what that looks like in real time. Learning about the brain, self regulation, understanding my emotional reaction, being aware of inner thoughts and dialogue that are creating your current life.
Amber you don’t understand I am so busy. Aren’t we all? For me it is worth making the time in my busy schedule to be coached, to listen to podcasts and to join coaching programs. The time I spend in those spaces reduces the time spent in mental and emotional overwhelm and stress.
The skills that I have learned have helped me manage all of the things that life throws at you, while already dealing with so much internally: anxiety, depression, low self esteem. To me, learning the ability to manage my thoughts in the moment so that I can turn the turmoil into peace, turn the chaos into understanding, is worth the time and the financial investment.
I come from a family where mental health challenges are frequent and can become severe and truly impact the quality of life so I wanted to make sure that I took care of my mental health. I wanted to do the work to heal, to understand why I do the things I do, why emotions are so hard, why I never felt good enough, why after all I have done and did I still couldn’t just love myself- and I found life coaching and it was the mental and emotional freedom train I was looking for. Doing the hard and good work changed my life and I know it can change yours too.
What if you are busy AND you can make time for something that will change your life? What if you are busy AND one hour of your life a week can truly change it?
What if it does cost money AND the money spent is an investment into your future self who is able to handle her emotions, who is able to stop her over thinking, who is able to truly believe she is lovable?
Who would you be if you were able to process your emotions? Stop your overthinking? Stop people pleasing? And truly believe you are worthy?
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Fehlende Folgen?
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During these situations - I believed my feelings were true, If I have this feeling it must be true, it must mean I have to reach out- I must have to connect with them- I must really really love them. I really won’t be able to live without them. The hard part about “trusting our gut or our feelings” as anxiously attached people- is that we have to clarify is this my gut, my intuition or is this fear because of my anxious attachment?
You see our anxious attachment can be triggered or activated in situations where we think something is going wrong, where we think people are going to reject us or abandon us or not like us- and especially during breakups. And definitely a breakup because it is our brain's biggest fear coming true - someone is actually rejecting us and leaving us.
Here is the tricky part- we don’t always hear our brain going to this worst case scenario sometimes they are just covered up by thoughts like: “ they don’t like me” “I am not good enough” “ See I knew I was too much” I am too needy” - however these thoughts all lead to our biggest fear thoughts: They won’t stay, they are going to leave. They don’t love me-
When I am working with women who experience this primal panic- this urgency to do something now- they tell me I want to just not reach out, I want to not feel crazy when I don’t reach out-
So what I hear them saying is they feel crazy when their emotions are high, and their brain is consumed with anxious thoughts that make them want to reach out. They don’t want to reach out in a “needy” way.
Before I teach you these concepts I want you to keep in mind as I teach these concepts separately they are simultaneously happening at once. So much is happening at one time inside of our body when we feel this intense urge to do something- half why we feel crazy is because so much input into our brain and nervous system at one time.
I will do my best to break it down- but know when our anxious attachment is triggered we have a lot of things happening at once:
So I teach them a few concepts:
I teach them about this intense feeling called Primal Panic and where it comes from.I teach them that all feelings are true but the thoughts creating them are not always true.I teach them about their thought cycle- and how the thoughts they are thinking right now, are creating more fear on top of their primal panicI teach them about the Urge Cycle and how our brain is seeking immediate relief. -
So to recap
When you get triggered- when you start to have a big emotional reaction- because of someone’s thoughts or behavior write it out
What happened?What am I making it mean- about me, about my relationship?How does that make me feel?Is it true? Is it reality?Other tools and strategies:
A thought download- write all your unfiltered thoughts down for 2-3 minutes. What happened, write it all down. Pull out one thought, how does that thought make you feel? What does it make you want to do? If you do that, what result will you get?
Ask yourself, is this thought serving me? Is this belief serving me? If not, what am I getting when I choose to believe it?
Thank you for listening. Please remember to share this podcast with your friend. If you found it useful or helpful in any way, I would truly appreciate it if you could like and rate it- this helps it get out to more women who could benefit from the information of this podcast.
I want to offer you to come and do this work with me in my one on one coaching program. If you are interested or have any questions please email me at [email protected] you can also find me on instagram @anxiousattachmentsolution I look forward to hearing from you.
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To summarize- The thoughts we think often become beliefs. The thoughts we think also create our feelings. We have thoughts in our head that create our self concept and our belief of our lovability. Right now those thoughts could be telling us that we are not very lovable. So in order to stop believing that we have to create new thoughts on purpose and practice them in order to create new self beliefs, the belief you are lovable. Our brain does something called confirmation bias- where it looks for evidence to prove our thoughts true, so if you believe you are unloveable your brain will look for all the evidence to prove that you are unloveable. If you believe that you are lovable your brain will look for evidence to prove that you are loveable. That is why the questions we ask ourselves are powerful, because our brain is a problem solving machine and will offer us answers to the questions we present to it.
Homework:
Your anxious thoughts may be different from mine. So do a thought download. What are all the thoughts that come up for why you are not lovable? Write them down. What are all the thoughts about how lovable you are, write them down. What new thoughts do you want to believe? Write them down. Now pick two or three to practice this week. Each week add a new thought to your practice list.
If you want help creating lovability, or you want to learn how to do thought work come work with me, have questions email me at [email protected] and set up a consultation call or dm me at TakingBackHerBrain
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I realized today that my brain has been extra mean to me lately and I have been less proactive in thinking thoughts about myself on purpose to neutralize my mean brain. The volume of my negative self thoughts had been getting louder and coming more often, worse I could see myself start to believe them again. My insecurities started getting louder- and I started getting quieter- I let my brain talk to me and I stopped talking back to my brain. My brain whispered “you aren’t good enough, you won’t reach that goal, it won’t last, you’re too much, that isn’t for you, you will never get out of debt, you will never have enough money”... such scarcity, such fear… such sadness followed these thoughts.
Then I got angry with myself. I realized I felt shame and guilt and frustration for this experience- for believing my old thoughts- for allowing them to come on in again and stay for so long- I have worked so hard to develop a secure self worth, to increase my self confidence- and here it is just gone. My brain wanted to tell me that all my progress was gone, and that I was turning back into my past self.
But I wasn’t.
I can never go back to the person who didn’t know what I know now. Negative thought loops, negative self talk, and moments of regression can not take away the years of knowledge, wisdom, self compassion, self grace, and self development that I had created.
I realized the thought “It’s happening again. You haven’t made any progress”
Was a lie…
It simply means I am still a human with a brain and a brain with anxious attachment. It simply means that I need to get back to managing my mind and creating thoughts on purpose. (See past me didn’t know what I know now)
It simply meant that I had to also celebrate myself at this very moment. You see past me would have not known what to do, past self would have fallen deeper into depression and withdrawn instead of being aware of all the progress we have made and all that we now know- it would have just been consumed by these thoughts and feelings and let them take the wheel.
Instead I realized I had stopped using my thoughtwork tools, I had stopped my brain maintenance, I had gotten so busy being busy that I had stopped doing the inner intentional work to build my self concept and neutralize my mean brain.
So I just want to offer that if your brain is telling you that you have lost all your progress because some old thoughts have crept back in, or you are having more anxious attachment triggers, or anxiety is high, or depression is low, or life is life-ing, or you are just experiencing a human experience- remember that you can not go back to the person before-it is impossible- two steps backwards is not all progress lost- never is all progress lost.
So back to the basics-
If you want help getting back on track, or you want to learn how to do thought work email me at [email protected] and set up a consultation call or dm me at TakingBackHerBrain
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5 Steps to stop this cycle
You have to become an observer of your thoughts and feelings. What thoughts are you thinking, how do they make you feel?You have to grow your capacity to feel the intense emotions without taking action. This looks like naming the feeling in your body, where does it sit, how does it feel, while acknowledging how uncomfortable it is to sit with these feelings.You have to grow your capacity to feel the urgency to react and know that you are already safe and you can process these emotions before you react. This looks like practicing thoughts of “I am safe right now, my anxious attachment is triggered but I am safe, I feel the urgency and I do not have to do anything yet”You have to learn how to feel urgency and decide to pauseYou have to learn to give yourself compassion and love in this exact moment. This looks like acknowledging your anxious attachment has been triggered, validating your feelings because they are real for you right now in this moment and still deciding to pause and feel them. Creating safety with yourself. Letting yourself know that you are capable of feeling these overwhelming emotions and creating trust with yourself. -
Do I still have goals and dreams I am working to achieve yes. Have a achieved them all-no, and to be honest I never will because I am a Life Long learner and doer, I will be forever making goals and accomplishing them, or changing paths- and I have come to love my rhythm. So I hope this podcast is a reminder to you that internal successes and celebrations ALSO Count. No one gets to decide what “Made it” - looks like, or sounds like except for you! You get to create your life. You get to define what MADE it looks like and sounds like. That is the best thing about thought work and life coaching- the worldly definitions, standards, expectations can all be DROPPED if you want them and you give yourself the space to CREATE the definitions YOU want, the standards you crave and the expectations you desire.This life is yours, you get to drop these timelines- these definitions of success and create your own. So what does it look like to you? What can you celebrate today? I urge you to practice celebrating yourself because I guarantee you don’t do it enough- and your brain train needs new rails to ride! Success train here we go! So go celebrate you!
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Our brain likes things that are familiar, that “Feel” safe- things that it already knows. So no matter what your goal, or dream is- if it is something “new” or “different” your brain is going to have a hard time adapting to it and it is NORMAL. Do not take this resistance as a signal to stop or that this is not for you- take this brain resistance as part of the process of doing and learning new things. Even things that aren’t necessarily good for us- but are familiar our brian will prefer- which shows you that not all fear is logical- not all fear is in our best interest. Fear of a bear is important, fear that rises from within late at night as you walk- these could be helpful fear that “keep you safe”But fear of failure, fear of being seen, and fear of rejection, fear that really comes from a place of insecurity and doubt- these fears are not fears that should stop you or hold you back. These fears need to be questioned and challenged.These fears are just brain wirings that need to be rewired, these fears are where are brain needs to grow in its capacity to feel hard and uncomfortable feelings and most importantly our brain needs to learn that even though we feel this way WE are still going to show up, and go after our dreams and our goals.Remember that it is a decision, we get to decide what we do when we feel this fear. Do we listen to it and decide to buffer through it and not show up. Do we ignore it and decide to make it mean that these dreams/goals are not for us. Or do we decide that we want these goals, dreams AND we comfort our body and these fears come up. These fears are going to come up because these insecure thoughts and doubts are going to come up.Just because these fears are here does not mean that your insecurities or doubts are FACT. aka true… it just means your brain already processed those thoughts and now you have these feelings.It is learning to challenge and question these doubts and insecurities instead of believing them. It is deciding to believe in yourself on purpose over and over again. It is believing that starting over again and again still gets you closer to success than giving up. It is knowing that this process, this journey is not going to be easy and without fear. It is truly knowing that giving into fear will keep you stuck. Giving into fear will keep you from all the things that you want in life. Giving into your insecurities will keep you small and safe, but at the cost of your dreams, your desires.So we get to decide if the cost is worth the prize/consolation. Is showing up when you are fearful over and over again worth getting your dream or accomplishing that goal? If you KNEW without a doubt that your dream was on the other side of this fear would you give into the fear and believe your doubts or would you walk with the fear and question your doubts?
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I teach my clients how their thoughts create their feelings and I teach them how to take back their power and control.
Do you find that you take everything personally? With relationships? Friendships? Siblings? That text from a partner, from a friend, that conversation with that other human ?
Do you find yourself comparing yourself to other women, comparing yourself to other mothers? Comparing your looks? Your body? Your life? Your parenting?
Do you find yourself working tirelessly trying to get it all done- do ALL the things and then have nothing left for you, your family or your hobbies?
Do you take other people’s behavior, your child’s success or failures and make it mean something about you as a person? Do you take it personally and make it mean you aren’t good enough? You aren’t doing enough
Then this podcast is for you, better yet come work with me so that I can help you stop taking it all personally and stop allowing outside circumstances affect your Self Worth. Let me teach you how to live in this world and still feel good enough. You can find me on IG at Takingbackherbrain or email me at [email protected]
On today's Episode I am going to be talking about one of the Core Components of Emotional Freedom.
Developing a Secure Self Worth: I define a Secure Self Worth as: internally knowing that you are inherently worthy regardless of what happens outside of you or what your brain tells you.
A Secure Self Worth does not let situations, people or anything outside of you determine whether You are good enough.
I teach my clients how to develop a SECURE SELF WORTH so that nothing outside of them can take away their feeling of being good enough. I use the word SECURE self worth because if you are anything like I used to be, your self worth and your feeling of good enough fluctuated through different events, different interactions with other humans. So I teach my clients how to always maintain their self worth and the feeling of good enough. I teach my clients how to
Untying their self worth from all the things outside of them, I teach them how to develop self confidence, and develop unconditional self love and self acceptance. So they can handle any emotion, manage their overwhelm and stress, while maintaining their self worth.
I know there is a LOT and I mean A LOT that is out of our control as humans navigating this world. We are consistently interacting with other humans that don’t operate using our preferred manual. BUT there is definitely one thing that no one can take away from us and that is our thoughts and our feelings. Once you learn your power, the power you have over your emotions, and once you learn that emotions are just sensations in your body, you learn that you are really capable of processing and handling any emotion AND you don’t have to make things mean anything about your worthiness your life will be forever changed.
SO the first component I teach is how to develop a Secure Self Worth. A secure Self Worth is the understanding that no one can give you ‘good enoughness’ title- it can’t be earned, bought, sold or given to you from other people or situations. You just are worthy. It is the understanding that You decide that you are worthy, you believe that you are of value, and that you ARE ENOUGH.
That is it- Your job, your success, your accomplishments- DO NOT give you worthiness, they do not give you the title of GOOD ENOUGH.
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Hello Everyone thank you for joining me today on Episode 28 Taking Back Her Brain with Love: The Art of Emotional Freedom. I am Life Coach Amber Lynn, I teach women the Art of Emotional Freedom through taking back their brain from social constructs, from their harsh inner voice, from anything that is holding them back from living the life they want. Through The Art of Emotional Freedom my clients learn how to develop self belief, self confidence, genuine self love and genuine self acceptance. They learn how to stop seeking outside validation, outside approval and how to stop seeking worthiness outside of themselves. They learn to stop giving away their power. They learn how to obtain emotional freedom, and to stop being controlled by their emotions. My clients learn how to talk back to their brain, to transform their belief in themselves and propel them forward.
First, what is emotional freedom? I define emotional freedom as the ability to have, process and feel any emotion, while not taking on the emotional responsibility of others around us.
We all have a human brain that has a story about who we are, what we are capable of doing, and our limitations. Our brain is designed to "protect" us from social rejection, social humiliation, and death, So our brain has decided for us what is "safe" and what is not safe for us to encounter. Our brain has decided in advance that feeling any uncomfortable feeling is not safe. This means that oftentimes our brain tells us untrue thoughts, that keep us "safe", unseen, unheard as a survival technique. Just because your brain gives you thoughts about yourself, does not mean they are true.
The most powerful thing we can learn is that We can intentionally, consciously rewire our brain to think new thoughts, to create new beliefs about who we are, what we are capable of doing and determine new capacities instead of limitations.
Most of us have brains that are wired to show us everything negative about ourselves, as a result of these thoughts on automatic repeat in our head, we have low self esteem, low self confidence and a really harsh inner critic that is constantly telling us all the ways we are never measuring up. So what? Well our thoughts create our emotions, our emotions drive the actions we take and the actions we take produce the results we have in our life. Low self confidence? Low self esteem? Always trying to prove your worth? ARE ALL CREATED by your thoughts.
So the thoughts we constantly think about ourselves- create emotions towards ourselves- driving us to buffer out of our feelings, because our feelings consist of "should-ing" ourselves, shaming ourselves, or just literally leaving us feeling shitty about ourselves. ULTIMATELY leaving us NEVER feeling good enough.
If we want to start feeling good enough, if we want self confidence, if we want to feel secure and adequate then we have to practice thoughts on purpose to believe new thoughts about ourselves.
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Rule # 1 for having a managed mind
So I had two rules tied for number one, and I still can’t figure out which comes first, so they are tied
All Circumstances are neutral AND You have to Feel Your Feelings
Rule # 2 Our thoughts create our emotions
Rule # 3 Our Feelings Drive our actions
Rule #4 Our thoughts create our results
Rule #5 Other people’s opinions/ thoughts of us don’t matter
Rule #6 Knowing you can feel any emotion
Rule # 7 Life is 50/50 Accepting the feelings you feel
Rule #8 Holding Space for other people to be who they are
Rule # 9 Holding Space for Someone’s Reactions to you
Rule #10 Acknowledging and Accepting Other people don’t cause your feelings
Rule #11 Knowing your nervous response: Fight, Flight, Freeze and how it shows up in your daily reactions, and how it feels in your body
Rule #12 Knowing your brain is not a reliable source
Rule #13 Talking back to your brain
Rule #14 Our brain just wants to only have one thing be true but what if contradicting things could also be true
Rule #15 Making a decision and having your own back no matter how it turns out
Rule # 16 Knowing that any thought you want to think is available to you now
Rule #17 Knowing that any feeling you want to create is available to you right now
Rule #18 Most everything can be develop with a change/ shift in Mindset
Rule #19 Any belief you want to have about yourself is available to you right now
Rule #20 You are inherently worthy regardless of anything you do
So rule number 1 all circumstances are neutral:
Circumstances are anything that happens outside of you. Something someone says. An event that happened. A situation that took place.
You see, when we can metacognitively understand that all circumstances are neutral- which simply means think about our thoughts- and accept that all circumstances are neutral we take our power and control back. Things are no longer out of our control, things are no longer “happeing to us”. We are no longer victims in our own life. We learned that we get to decide what we want to make any circumstance mean to us. When we decide to objectively look at a circumstance and decide what we want it to mean, and not just take things our brain automatically offers, we gain power. You see when we experience circumstances that don’t feel good our brain typically offers us similar negative self talk like:
see you were never good enough, they don’t like you, they don’t care about you, you aren’t smart enough, you aren’t pretty enough, see they never thought you were capable, see you are inadequate.
But when we see a circumstance as neutral we get to ask ourselves Why are we choosing that thought, why are we choosing to believe this thought that our brain just likes to throw at us hoping we believe it, what if that wasn’t the real story? What if the thoughts it throws at us are not actually facts. Or truth.
If every circumstance is neutral- We learn how to manage our mind around it- we learn that we get to choose what we decide to believe.
You have to Feel Your Feelings do
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Episode 25
Not making our feelings mean something
Hello There and Thank you for joining me today on Episode 25! Today we are going to be talking about the importance of feeling our emotions AND not making them mean something that just isn’t true. Oftentimes our brain has programmed us that if we feel fear, failure, or hesitation it is a “sign” that we are making the wrong decision.
This could be anything, it could be about ending a relationship, changing careers, telling someone no, doing anything that is out of our typical behavior or off our current path. It could be about making investments in yourself.
This could be anything that you choose to do and after you feel a feeling. For me it was my decision to change careers from being a Teacher to being a Life Coach. I had so much fear around am I making the right decision, will I make enough money, and if I have fear it must be because I am making the wrong decision. But guess what that just isn’t true.
We often take feelings as a “sign” - a sign if we are doing something right or wrong, if we made the right choice or not- We put all this weight on feelings and give them so much power. Instead of taking feelings to mean that we just had a thought. Feelings are a sign that we had a thought.
Our brain oftentimes gives us thoughts that 1) are not true 2) that are not helpful 3) that are just automatic.
So we have to start to learn to pay attention to when we are giving our feelings more power and less review, we need to review our feelings and see what thought caused these feelings. Instead of just believing our feelings to be true.
What if you feel fear, because you are doing something new- does that fear always mean that you are doing something wrong or that you made the wrong choice? No fear is just a sensation in your body letting you know you had a thought.
What if the ultimate goal was to learn to feel fear, instead of taking action out of fear and away from something new? What if the ultimate goal was to go toward something new AND feel the fear at the same time.
What if fear was just a sensation in our body and it didn’t mean anything has actually gone wrong. What if it was our job to learn to feel our feelings of fear and manage our thoughts about our fear AND go toward our goals.
What if fear of failure was okay. What if you could have the fear of failure AND still take scary steps towards becoming successful. What if the only path to success was cemented with failure and it was our job to learn to feel the sensations of failure without making it mean we weren’t good enough or we weren’t doing it right?
what if fear wasn’t a signal that something has gone wrong, but just a signal that you had a thought that needs some investigation.
What if feeling fear during uncertainty was okay AND you didn’t need to make uncertainty mean that you are making the wrong decision.
What if all this fear - is just your brain's way of keeping you safe from uncomfortable emotions that come with letting go, moving forward or moving on? What if you learned to feel fear and let it be a normal human emotion that you sometimes feel.
Our feelings are created by our thoughts. So go and check your thoughts. Ask yourself, is this thought even true? What if this thought wasn’t true?
Managing our mind and our life comes with learning how to feel any feeling as sensations in our body and not making it mean anything about our value, our worth or our potential. Feelings are just sensations in our body, they are just a signal that we had a thought.
It’s your job to go look over that thought with curiosity and ask how is this thought serving me? Is it keeping me quote “safe” is it keeping my brain safe by keeping me in old patterns?
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Learning to hold space for our kids.
Learning that kids are allowed to feel their feelings, learning that their feelings are okay.
Teaching our kids how to feel their emotions.
When we learn to hold space for ourselves as parents, we soon learn how to hold space for our children to have emotions and feelings.
The more our children learn to feel their emotions, the more their brain learns that these negative emotions are not a threat, the more that the brain learns they are not a threat the less impulsive they become, and same for parents and the more they learn to feel their feelings.
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In today's podcast we are learning what it means to hold space for other people.
Lately a common theme I see with my clients is this sense of needing to make other people feel better. So often we take on the responsibility to make other people feel a certain way…
Sometimes this comes from a place of love (we just want them to not feel the way they feel)
Sometimes this comes from a place of control (it makes us feel so uncomfortable when they feel this way so we need to make it stop)
Sometimes this comes from a place of selfishness ( we want to feel better about something so we need them to feel better)
So I want to teach you all a few things
People are allowed to feel their feelings
People are allowed all the time they want not just need but want to take to process their feelings
People are allowed to not always be happy, joyous, content, etc it's actually normal and apart of the human experience
People are allowed to have their thoughts about your actions even if you didn’t do whatever the thing is on purpose, it is their thoughts that create their feelings, and they are allowed those, it is not your job to control or change their thoughts
Of course you can apologize when you “hurt” someone’s feelings or cause negative emotions, but you have to be doing it for yourself- not for them to change how they are feeling because you are not in control of them
I also want to take about what I learned from my Teacher’s Brooke Castillo and Kara Loewentheil- they taught me the concept of the Manual
When we have a miscommunication with someone- we hurt their feelings or they quote hurt ours we have an internal manual that states what the other person should do
They should forgive me right away or they should change how they feel immediately
They should “know where we are coming from”
Whenever we are “shoulding” someone else we need to take a look at our thoughts
Why is it so important that they change the way they feel right away? What are we making their feelings mean about us? What are we making it all mean?
What we have to learn to do is hold space for other people, their thoughts, their feelings and their opinions:
What this looks like is creating space outside of us. Picture yourself with a belt on with water bottle holders, and inside each of those water bottles is the space for someone else.
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They said it is your turn to be an example of what is possible.
So in order for me to become an example of what is possible “I had to trust myself, trust the process, and decide to have my own back NO Matter how my decision turned out. Within a week of being home from Mastermind, I had decided to request a shared contract for the year 2022-2023, where I will have the opportunity to continue teaching 50% of the time and then I will have the other 50% of the time to create the solid foundation of my business.
I decided to go ALL in on me, on MY DREAMS, and on my clients. I decided that it was time to be an example of what is possible. Am I scared, sure! Am I 100% sure I am making the "right" choice, NOPE but I am 100% sure that I am making the "right" choice for me, at this time in my life. I am 100% sure that I will have my own back no matter what, and I will do whatever it takes to get to where I am headed.
During this process I realized that Accomplishing Goals is a mindset. It is not the action that we take, it is a shift in mindset and belief
Accomplishing goals is learning to create thoughts on purpose. Owning your own life. Keeping promises to yourself. Creating your plan. Your schedule and following it no matter what.
Accomplishing goals mindset means planning ahead of time what I am going to do when I don’t want to do the thing that will help me accomplish my goal. It’s learning to feel uncomfortable emotions, its learning to follow through with promises that I make to myself. It’s learning to say no to things that are no longer serving me.
Accomplishing Goals and Going towards your dream. Building something from your brain, is a mindset of belief: My Life Coach Stacy Bohoem has thing thing called three stages of belief. And they are all thoughts: thoughts about where you are now, thoughts about where you want to be and thoughts about how where you want to be is inevitable. belief that you can do it, belief that it is possible, and then the confidence that it is inevitable.
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Taking action towards your goals, even especially uncomfortable actions, takes a shift in mindset. It takes learning to trust yourself, learning to own your life with authority, and taking consistent action towards your goals regardless of what you’d rather be doing instead.
It's learning how to use your higher brain, it's choosing consciously to plan ahead and follow your plan, to meet your goals.
It’s learning how to stop the buffering and numbing out of uncomfortable emotions.
It’s learning how to stop indulging in false pleasures that keep you numb and in the same place, even when you’d rather be closer to your dreams and taking actions towards them.
It’s learning how to hear what your brain is saying, it’s negative chatter without listening to it and caving into his primitive requests to buffer, over indulge in any activity that takes you away from making progress towards your goal.
So if you have dreams, if you have goals you have been putting off, here is your sign to go be an example of WHAT IS POSSIBLE, even when it's a little scary, even when you don't know THE “how”, but you know it is what you really want!
If you want to learn how to be able to show up like this for yourself, to set goals and go after them. If you want to learn how accomplishing goals is a mindset then you need to set up a consultation and start my 8 week program, where it is tailored to your desired result, where I teach you step by step how to create a goal mindset learning to challenge your doubts and create self belief..
You can also email me: at [email protected] and say add me to your email list, I want a consult.
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It is their love for me, their belief in me, that helps me talk back to my brain when it whispers all my self doubt. It is their support for me that allows me to have the determination to keep pushing through my brain's insecure chatter.
Before thought work, finding self coaching, and hiring my own Life Coach. I knew my sisters "supported me" BUT I thought they were "judging" me way more than supporting me. I always had these thoughts about how they “didn’t approve of me/ my choices” “That I wasn’t good enough” ( which is a common thought error my brain continues to whisper to me, but now I call my brain out!).
I was so worried about how my sisters, my parents, my family saw me and what they thought about my choices. My brain always generously gave me thoughts like “They are better than you are.” “They are perfect” “They make better choices than you do “ …. Basically they were everything I wasn’t.
Now I know, I was projecting my insecure thoughts and self criticism back onto me, but saying "they were doing it" when really it was my insecure. critical thoughts I had about myself.
Thanks to life coaching, and awareness of my own brain, its thought patterns, and the errors it wants to feed me. I finally have the relationships that I have always wanted with my sisters, because I can now manage my mind, own my thoughts and own my feelings. Thought work has brought me emotionally, and mentally closer to my sisters, and for that I will forever be grateful.
I now have the capacity: mentally and emotionally to hold space for my sisters to have their thoughts and feelings, and not make it mean anything about me. While also holding space for myself for when my brain wants to feed me unhelpful thoughts, I can talk back to my brain and really get to the bottom of it without all the mental drama, without arguing and fighting, without hurt feelings that lasted months and sometimes years. I have learned how to manage my mind Own my thoughts and my feelings, and I have learned how to let other people do the same.
Thought work has given me the opportunity to be closer to the most important people in my life, without all the anxiety, overwhelm and drama. Yes it still happens, but it happens less often and with less intensity.
It allowed me to see that what I thought other people were "thinking about me" or how they were "judging me" was really how I was judging myself. It has allowed me to take ownership for my thoughts and my feelings, and allowed me to be more open and honest in my relationships with family and friends. Giving me space to really see how much they really love and believe in me. Giving me space to see that my brain was what was holding me back and creating so much self doubt, in the disguise of "other people's thoughts and opinions of me".
If you want to learn how to be able to show up like this for yourself, and learn how to manage your mind around family members. Then you need to set up a consultation and start my 8 week program, where it is tailored to your desired result, where I teach you step by step how to create emotionally healthy relationships with less anxiety and overwhelm.
You can also email me: at [email protected] and say add me to your email list, I want a consult.
Hey and don’t forget to join my free facebook group!
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